Hello lovely, lovely readers.
I am so sorry for the delay with this chapter. I wrote and re-wrote it many different times but it never fully sat right with me.
I would LOVE to hear what your favourite aspect of Jane and Edward's relationship is! It is something I am constantly considering when writing and I would love some of your feedback. Charlotte Bronte wrote two amazing characters when she wrote Jane and Rochester, and there are always so many things to unpack and think about.
Hope you are all really well!, xoxoxox
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As Sunday approached and Henry's baptism drew nearer, Jane felt an increasing sense of worry in herself and the household. Although there had been general happiness and excitement when it was first said that it would be taking place, as the day actually came closer, anxieties began to rise within the family that Jane could not remove herself from.
Jane guessed that Mary would not have been so willing to attend the baptism if it had not been for Father Andrew urging her to do so on his visit. Love after all was a powerful motivator, Jane had reminded herself. Mary had said yes, and after the Fathers visit seemed to have a renewed sense of self and confidence to step out in public as visibly pregnant as she was. But, in the time that had passed since he had come to see her, Mary had had plenty of time to start worrying about what people would say to, and about, her. At dinners she frequently asked what the gathered party thought people would say to her, and what her response should be. The first time Jane had dismissed the sense of worry, but as she had asked the question repeatedly, and with more and more concern, it was clear she was dreading the day immensely.
Diana shared Jane's sympathy for Mary, but Diana also seemed less interested with what people would say to Mary and was instead worried about what people may ask her as the sister. She had learned that some of the Captain's family would surely be attendance as the baptism was happening during regular church service, and suddenly became very concerned with the fact that they would surely ask her difficult questions. When Jane had been surprised with her for reverting to her old way of thinking, Diana had assured Jane that the Captain's family would not sway her from supporting her sister, rather she regretted very much she would have to say anything at all to them.
Captain Franklin could have been very helpful in diffusing the situation, Jane thought. He could have reassured Diana, and by extension Mary, who had also began worrying about Diana's concerns, that what his family thought did not matter at all, for it was what he truly believed. Instead, he took the approach of ignoring such thoughts all together. One day, Jane overheard her husband talking with Captain Franklin in the sitting room. The Captain was telling Mr Rochester how he knew Diana and Mary were upset but could not really see why. Edward had responded that while the Captain had every right, and perhaps reason, to disown his own family, his wife and her sister did not. Because Diana and Mary were generally unknown to them, what his family thought of them mattered very much. After that, the Captain seemed to take a more active role in reassuring them, though they both clearly still had apprehensions.
Jane listened to both her cousins concerns out of respect for their feelings, but in truth, she was forced to separate herself from their fears. She did not have the concern for what society thought of her as Diana and Mary did, for she had married a man that outranked her in station, fortune, and family name and had long suffered for it. Overtime, she had learned not only to stop caring, but to not hear the comments at all. She only wished she could impart the same self assurance on her cousins.
The whole situation had become very complicated for something that was so simple. It was a baptism for their child, nothing more or less controversial than that. Jane had wished many times over that she and her husband could simply ride to a further away church and have a quiet sacrament, but with Father Andrew so excited, such a thing was now quite impossible.
. . .
On Saturday night, Jane had slept for a very short period before tossing and turning for a long time. Although she had separated her own feelings from her cousins fears, she could not help but think over what they were feeling. More importantly, she felt incredibly guilty lying next to her husband that they had been too busy over the past few days, and between dealing with Henry and trying to balance the feelings of everyone in the house she had somewhat neglected him.
The pit sitting in her stomach did not go away the longer she lay awake and tried reasoning with herself, so after much deliberation, Jane turned over and shook Edward's arm gently. He stirred, grunting the kind of way one does after being woken from a deep sleep. His eyes flicked opened and he looked at Jane expectantly. She sat up, sitting cross-legged before him.
"Can I be very selfish?"
He smiled at her, his eyes crinkling at the corners with affection.
"Yes" he said, untangling Jane's fumbling hands. "Despite how very selfish it is to wake me up in the middle of the night, Ms Rochester".
"Do not tell me that" Jane grimaced, "You will make me feel very guilty and then I should not know how to proceed"
"Nonsense. I can see something is on your mind. Come, tell me"
Jane pushed her hair back out of her face and sighed, looking out of the window behind her bed. The night was crystal clear, and there was absolutely no sound coming through the opened windows. All was very still.
"You know how busy it has been the past few days?"
"Mhm"
"And how much we have been torn in opposite directions, trying to accomplish different things in order to help our guests as much as we can"
"Yes"
"And its caused us to be more separate than normal for a little while?"
He raised his eyebrow at her in response.
"Can you please just tell me what your day was like? I would have asked earlier, but I think I was asleep when you arrived upstairs"
Her words seemed to stun him. His face stretched into a smile and he laughed.
"To be clear, you could not fall back asleep because you didn't ask me before bed how my day was?"
"Not exactly" Jane explained, "But in general I am uneasy when I feel we are not on the same page"
"Very well" He said, propping himself up on his arm and looking Jane fully in the face, "Shall I give you the full rundown?"
"Mhm"
"I woke up and had a perfect morning, because I made love to you, and you were struggling very much to remain quiet for the sake of our sleeping guests next door-"
"Mmm, I remember that part" Jane said blusing, grabbing his upper arm affectionately to stop him from continuing.
"Why are you blushing?" he said, clearly very amused.
Jane still found talking about her own intimate life slightly embarrassing. She still did not think of herself as a particularly attractive person, and so found talking about making love to someone she found to be the most attractive person in the world always took her by surprise. She conveyed as much to her husband, seeing surprise spread over his face.
"You? Not attractive? Are you mad?."
"Remember the times you told me I was not a handsome creature? I miss those days"
He smiled, "I was lying. Physical beauty in no way equates true attractiveness. Besides, attractive would be such a shallow word to describe you. It is nothing to intellect, generosity, and kindness. In those ways, and so many others, you are untouchable".
"Continue on" Jane urged, "I wish to hear more"
"Of how beautiful you are?"
"No" she said rolling her eyes, for he had known what she meant. "About your day"
He smiled, "After that we ate breakfast with our guests, and following that I am afraid I spent much of the day in my study, trying to sort out some papers"
"Which papers?" Jane asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Eshton returns tomorrow, and he has much paperwork to crosscheck from his own notes as magistrate. I fear I quite neglected the organisation of such documents, so I had to go through them and try to arrange them in a way he could actually read them".
"Sounds fearfully exciting"
"Cursing myself for disorganisation all day? It was very exciting indeed" he said, leaning forward and kissing Jane's lips briefly.
"And then?"
"Then I watched Henry while you were speaking with the ladies downstairs in the kitchen, and he was quite happier than normal, which was wonderful. He was making faces, and playing with my fingers, all new things for him. I could have watched him all day. But you returned, we traded off roles quickly. I spent the rest of the day with Mr Miller on the end of the estate, his wife is still not back from her travels, and he is quite lonely. I came with more tasks for him to complete, which I think he is quite grateful for at the moment- it keeps his mind off his family".
Ms Miller, Jane's trusted companion on the estate and the women who had helped her through birth and the following months had been gone for some weeks to see her dying sister. She had been estranged from her family after marrying Mr Miller, for he was white, but as her sister lay dying she had asked for her to come, and so she had taken her children to see her many miles off. Her husband eagerly awaited her arrival each day.
"I hope she will be back soon. I hate seeing him with his head hung so low, doing all of his tasks with such a productive ferocity. I know how much he wants her home again with the children".
"I still do not know why she took the children" Edward said, "Her sister rejected her all of her married life and wanted nothing to do with the children before on the account of something as meaningless as race. Now that she is dying, she receives a free pass for her past mistakes to be wiped clean from her consciousness? I certainly was not given that"
"Not a free pass- she is looking for forgiveness. I think we all deserve that".
"I'm not sure Jane. It seems an awful thing to do to your family in life- punishing someone for loving another person".
"You never got the chance to repair things with your family" Jane said, "So you know how painful it is to live with a relationship that is eternally broken".
"I never could have repaired things with them" he said, dislike flooding his voice, "I wouldn't have wanted to. They were such grotesque human beings, I wanted no part of their lives".
"I know that" Jane said, touching his knee, "So if someone did have the ability to, wouldn't you think its a good idea?"
"Perhaps" he replied, "Perhaps if they were not as my father and brother were. Any involvement with them was too much. Good God Jane, angel as you are, you could not have stomached their attitudes and behaviour for five minutes"
"Perhaps you underestimate me, perhaps they would have found me charming and I would have liked them"
"Stop" he said, waving his hand in the air. "I do not need to have that image in my mind".
Jane only laughed, her gaze drifting back to the opened window.
"What about you? What about your day?"
She did not bring her gaze back to him as she replied.
"I spent much of my day feeling very angry with myself for caring about the things Diana and Mary were saying" she replied honestly, "I hated that something had momentarily swayed me into believing it"
Edward nodded in understanding,
"I have not forgotten, Jane, that you did not ask for this social position in life when you married me. You did not care about rank, or fortune, or an old name to carry you in society. I am sure you did not even give society itself any thought. In becoming my wife you have learned in a year what most young women who marry well learn over their whole teenage life, and you have done it wonderfully. But, I also do not forget that you do not have practice in brushing off the things people will say of those who you are close with, because they have nothing more important to fill their meaningless lives with. You do not have a long experience in knowing the upper class will talk about anything and anyone in order to remain entertained. The problem with this is that you care very much about those you love, and do not wish their name to be darkened with inaccuracies. Do not let Diana and Mary's concerns about others useless prattle bother you, for I know it will far more than it should. Tomorrow shall come and pass with nothing significant in between, and they shall feel silly that they were concerned at all".
"Alright" Jane said softly, sighing deeply "Kiss me goodnight and do not forget to wake me up as soon as you get up tomorrow, for I am sure I will not wake up of my own accord and the morning will be too busy to sleep in".
"Okay then" he replied, pulling Jane forward by the neckline of her nightgown and kissing her deeply. When the kiss dissolved Jane touched the side of his face.
"Thank you"
"Do not thank me. I will never tire of you waking me from sleep so I can look upon your face"
"I do not think such will be the case tomorrow morning" Jane said, laying back down in bed and being drawn to Edward's chest.
He chuckled heartily into her, kissing her neck affectionately.
. . . . . . . .
The next morning was a hectic one, but after the previous night's conversation, Jane felt returned to her normal self. She had been reminded of her natural lack of care for what others said or thought of her or her family, and being once again far removed from their concerns, she could be of help to her cousins. She took their concerns in stride over breakfast, giving her confidant and honest feelings of reassurance. She seemed to cheer them enough so that they left to get dressed with a spring in their step that had been missing for some days.
When it came time to leave for church, Diana, Captain Franklin and Mary piled into one carriage bickering slightly while the Rochester's climbed into the other. When the door had been closed and they set off.
As always, Jane had a wonderful conversation for the whole ride with her husband. It always felt too short with him, that they never had enough time to discuss everything they wanted. Jane was reminded of his admirable nature as the bumpy road caused Henry to cry quite inconsolably. At one time, Jane remembered hearing him tell her with disdain that he had absolutely no fondness for children and that his long and distant lack of acquaintance with them was by choice. Now, she watched him move across the carriage and sit beside her, trying to help soothe his baby writhing in her arms with as much passion and intention as any action he did. She had long since understood every fowl mood and bad disposition she had experienced at his hand were not part of his natural character, and now that the circumstances that had caused such in him were gone, he had softened and become the person who he had always been underneath. Jane secretly grieved for all the time he was wasting away under the burden of disappointment, but kept such thoughts to herself. There was no value in reminding him of such times, not when he was so happy.
"You know Jane, I have a great joy in attending church with you"
"Do you?"
"Yes. I have always said you are my good angel, sent from above. I fear no judgement in your presence, though God knows I have much to be judged for. He returned you to me, and perhaps I at last deserved you. It feels strange though, for I have a sneaking suspicion that church, for many there, is far more about judging others than being freed of ones own burdens".
"I agree with you. At Moorhouse, I did not attend regular church service and it worked out perfectly well for me" Jane replied,
"You did not? Why on earth? St John must not have been pleased with that decision"
Jane smiled, "He was not, now that you mention it. But I had just quitted Thornfield, and while living there we did not attend any regular church service. I felt closer to God during that time than I had in my whole life, even more than when I attended church service at Lowood multiple times a day. It was then I learned that God did not reside in any four walls more than he resides in all hearts. And besides that, I had just quitted you, and I was angry that he made me do it. I had much to be angry at in those days, and yet much to be very thankful for. I spoke to God often in my own way, and that did not require me to go to any particular place".
"Mmm" Edward said, eyeing her thoughtfully. "You never have been predictable, Jane Rochester. Who would have thought that a girl coming from an 8 year long nightmare at a religious institution you would have such independent thoughts of religion as you do"
"Well, as you say it was a nightmare. It did little to inspire a rigorous system for religious study in my everyday life".
"Did you explain this to the surely disgruntled St John?"
Jane grinned to herself- he never tired of hearing her speak ill of him. It was hard to blame him after all Jane had told him, for nothing of his constricted and tamed personality was like the passionate and loving fire of her husband.
"Yes, but unlike you he never strained himself to see things from another persons point of view. He dismissed my thoughts, and told me that with an established routine, in time, I would feel much differently. And, perhaps he would have been right, but I had no desire to try his recommendation".
"Though I am not sure I could ever welcome him with opened arms after all he said to you..." Edward began slowly, "Would you wish to see St John again, if given the chance?"
"Indeed" Jane said, without much thought, "He is my family, and he cannot help his narrow way of thinking in the same way you cannot help your grand passion for life and all it contains within it. But perhaps I can only give my answer so confidently because I am sure I will never see him again. St John will serve and eventually die in India, happy in having served his purpose".
"Do Diana and Mary suspect the same?" Edward asked, hesitantly.
"I think not. I believe they still think after a year or two of service he will realise the comforts of home and return. I think that he is willing to stay and die to prove a point".
"Well, so long as they believe him content in doing what he chose, they cannot be unhappy for him"
"No, indeed not" Jane said, simply, "It is so funny, he is nothing like the type of vicar Father Andrew is".
Edward shook his head, "No one is. His good nature unsettles me, for no one is naturally so kind and enthusiastic".
"What a grumpy old man you suddenly seem like" Jane said, smiling up at her husband.
"I am only saying that he seems young, and very unacquainted with the world"
"I was the exact same way when you meet me" Jane added, "Perhaps even more unacquainted with the ways of the world than him".
"But you were not like him at all. You were aware of your limited knowledge- you talked about such openly with an appetite to learn all you could, but also with a critical eye for reason and truth in all that was told to you. Because of such you learned intuition as well as knowledge, and because of your sensitive nature and your ability to have others confide in you, even when you do not ask for their confidences, you could sense much of what I imparted to you without me needing to tell you directly. I can say in full confidence that Father Andrew is not the same way, for you never once appeared young or silly to me in your lack of knowledge".
"Perhaps he does not have an honest teacher as you were to me".
"He could only have an honest partner in conversation if he was completely nonjudgmental of past wrongdoings and misfortunes in the way you were. People like myself, Jane, need someone who can hear a story without reiterating the regret the speaker is surely feeling in relaying it ".
"And yet" Jane said, rocking Henry a little more fervently as he began to fuss, "I can tell you do not dislike him. I think he rather amuses you".
"As I have said, you never appeared young to me in the slightest, so I feel it has been a long time since being around a young person on the brink of knowing the world in all its possibilities. He wears his experiences on his sleeve, and is unaware that the people around him may know more than he does, and have learned things that have dimmed the youthful enthusiasm he has in abundance. That sort of blind pride and optimism reminds me of the shadow of a person I was a long time ago. I like him indeed, for I think him different from the mould of other vicars, and surely that takes some sort of bravery".
"He wishes to see the best in people" Jane joined, "That is a rare quality. I hope his enthusiasm does not dim overtime. I believe you are right, I think he would be willing to turn away from certain aspects of reality in order to keep it. I know he will never be your very close friend remaining the way he is now, for your dispositions, interests and knowledge are indeed too different. But, because someone could not become a close friend does not mean that they are any less valuable".
"You are very right" Mr Rochester agreed, "But I have learned that lesson long ago, on the first day I meet you. You have dimmed every acquaintance in my life by comparison since then. I did not know before meeting you that it was possible to give yourself away to another human being as I wished to give myself away to you. I did not know such likeness and ease of being could pass between people. I did not know another person could know my thoughts if I did not speak them aloud".
"Mmm" Jane rejoined, kissing her husbands cheek. She dared not do more balancing Henry in her arms on the rocky road. Instead, Edward put his arm around her and cradled his wife and son close to him. Jane hardly could have felt more loved in that moment.