Hello everyone!
Thank you for continuing to read. I am trying my hardest to get chapters out to you all as quickly as possible, so thank you for your patience.
I hope you are well, thank you so much for all the love!
More very soon,
xoxox
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It took longer than anticipated to leave the house. Henry fussed while being arranged in his baby carriage and then needed to be fed the second they went to leave. Then, just as soon as Henry was settled back in the carriage and Jane and Anne were arranging their hats and gloves and cloaks, it began to pour rain. When they had taken off all of their outdoor clothes, however, the rain cleared and the sky changed to an overcast grey.
When the girls finally stepped out onto the street, pushing Henry in front of them, they were immediately meet with the confusion and business of London. Jane was very unacquainted with the city. She had only been here a few times, and it was always with Edward who was so well travelled that it was nothing but second nature for him to move through the streets, even if he disliked it. Anne, like him, was far more comfortable than Jane was. She was nothing but excited to see shop windows and the latest fashions and the life of everyone around here. Today, however, she moved with a slightly different energy. Her cousin's fate plagued her mind, and even the things which made her the happiest were dull and lifeless. Jane tried to engage Anne in conversation as much as possible to keep her mind off of all her worries, for worrying was pointless when there was nothing that could be done on their end. Still, she knew that this was not entirely fair. Jane kept her hopes high that the men were making progress in going to see the naval Captain that morning, for there were very few options besides that. She did not like to vocalise such, but the truth was without a lead from a person close to the young soldier, it would be practically impossible to find them. Edward had said it, and it had been true- many young people disappeared from London and were never seen in such society again.
Anne's anxieties clearly burned in her thoughts as the pair moved onto a slightly less crowded street. She asked Jane if she wanted to go into any stores, and when Jane suggested they walk towards a book store, Anne was all too happy to have a task to carry out. Silence fell between them again as they walked for a few minutes, but Jane eventually spoke.
"I think you would feel much better, Anne, if you shared what was on your mind"
She smiled a little sadly,
"I am sure you are right. It is so many things at present, dear Jane, and I do not wish to burden you with my troubles. You are so busy- you are a mother, and wife, and care for everyone around you. You do not need my extra concerns".
"You know, I lived the majority of my life without friends. My one true friend died when we were both young, and with her death was the end to my ability to have someone to confide in. I learned to take care of myself, but this comes at a high cost. Sharing your troubles is what friends were made for, and I am very lucky to be yours, and so I will hear whatever you will tell me".
"Well, I am not sure if you heard Mr Eshton and I last night. We were fighting"
"No, I did not hear" Jane lied, wishing to save her the embarrassment, "But I heard some doors banging quite late last night".
"Well that is because we had an argument, and he left to sleep in a different room. Mr Eshton thinks I am hiding things from him, which I am, but if he knew what it was then he would agree with me that he does not need to know".
"What sort of things?"
She hesitated before responding again,
"I had another miscarriage".
Though Jane had already know this, her stomach knotted painfully.
"Anne, I am so sorry"
"I know you are" she said, touching Jane's shoulder briefly, "It was quite a horrific event for me. I was home alone. When everything was finished I balled up the bloody sheet and discarded it. Somehow he must have found out about it, or suspected something, but he waited several days before confronting me about it. In those few days he was rather distant, and cold. When he finally asked me what I was hiding, I could not tell him. I could not bring myself to break his heart. So I lied, and said there was nothing. He has not pressed me since, but he has been frustrated and now this situation with Catherine has intensified everything. Though, he has still been very good to me in searching for her. Oh Jane, tell me what to do".
Jane looked towards her friend thoughtfully,
"Anne, you do not need to keep such from your husband. You do not need to keep anything from him. You are not protecting him by keeping these feelings to yourself, you are only taking away the ability for you two to heal together. Excluding him from your confidence only excludes him from your heart. Mr Eshton wants to be a husband to you, but if you take away his ability to do so, he cannot. Let yourself be comforted, Anne. Let yourself be taken care of. Trust him with your feelings, and I promise all will be much better".
Anne looked forward, her mind clearly turning as she continued to push Henry.
"I have excluded him from my heart, Jane. My god, what have I done-"
"Nothing wrong" Jane quickly interjected, stopping her train of thought from going any further, "You were only trying to do a loving thing".
"And I will be loving in the right way, moving forward. I do not want any more late night fights between us".
"And besides" Jane said, speaking low, "I think a man is only ever too eager to forgive his wife and be back in her good graces. Men need their women".
Anne grinned, "Perhaps you are right. Oh look! Let us go into this pastry shop and get some desert. If there is one thing Mr Eshton likes, it is desert".
"Get out of the way, girl!" a woman barked, alerting everyone to where she stood on the edge of the curb. She pushed a small girl on the streets out of the way with her umbrella, causing the girl to topple back and fall over while the older woman simply advanced down the street. Jane rushed across the street to held the child up, brushing the dirt off of her already stained and dirtied dress.
"Are you alright sweetheart?"
The young girl just looked up at the young woman standing before her, her wide eyes searching for something in Jane's face. She swayed on the spot, saying nothing. Jane sighed, realising the young girl was not about to talk to her, and took her hand in hers.
"I am just heading into that bakery across the street now. If you stay here, I will bring you out something. What would you like?"
Again the girl said nothing, but she did not back away from Jane. Her large and innocent eyes pierced Jane to her core, scoring painful sadness onto her heart.
"Very well then, it will be a surprise".
Anne, laboured with Henry's stroller, only then arrived at Jane's side.
"My goodness, what a vicious woman" Anne said, shaking her head, "Ridiculous".
But Jane was distracted by the little girl sitting in front of her, covered in dirt and looking far too thin.
"Stay here, I will only be a moment" Jane promised, touching the little girls shoulder warmly.
Jane and Anne saddled into the bakery, talking angrily about the scene outside. When Jane had her things packaged up, and Anne was still paying, she stepped back outside to give the girl her bread, afraid she would be gone by the time she returned. But indeed the little figure was still standing where Jane had left her. Upon handing her the two loaves of bread, almost too big to fit into her arms, the little girl shot away- darting behind a streetcar and running down a small street.
Jane stood stationary on the spot, thinking over the event until Anne once again reached her side.
"Had she gone?"
"No, but when I gave her the loaves of bread she ran that way. I hope she is gone to eat them both".
"Come Jane, you have done a very good thing. But there are many poor children in the streets of London, and it is too difficult and painful to care for them all. We should start walking home now, there could be news".
. . .
Anne retired to the sitting room when they returned home to write a letter to Catherine's uncle and Jane went to her room to feed Henry. The completely silent house, and indeed the calm room she sat in, set Jane's heart at ease a little more. The rain began again, and sitting by the opened window, listening to the sounds of the water running down the panes of glass and onto the streets, Jane found she was swept up into the peaceful feeling of it all.
She was rocking Henry to sleep in her arms for a very long time that afternoon. He was teething and thus constantly uncomfortable. Jane had much compassion for him, and sometimes the wish for her to be able to take away his pain brought her frustration to the point of tears. He was such a happy baby, and she indeed loved him so well that for him to be in any sort of discomfort without her being able to help was truly heartbreaking. He had whined so much when Jane sat with him that she did not think he would ever sleep, but eventually she saw his eyes begin to droop, and she gained a new found determination to have him rest for a while.
Jane never grew tired of examining his little face. She thought that by now the imagine of him was etched on her heart, never to be removed from it. He had always been like his father in looks, and Jane searched everyday for the emergence of more of his father in him. His hair was dark, black, and curly. His eyes were similarly dark and deep as his fathers, but lately she could see small specks of brown lightening so that they were closer to a light brown. But then again, he had none of the harshness of his fathers face- none of the squareness of forehead or jaw that marked his father as so characteristic. Jane made herself smile when she heard Edward's voice in her mind, telling her that he saw none of himself in their son, only her. He said his cheeks were full and bright like her, and that his smile belonged to her. The thought made Jane feel giddy with happiness, and then it made her heart ache for her husband.
Henry was finally asleep when a carriage pulled up in front of the house. From her spot seated by the window, Jane could see everything that happened below. The door flew opened unnaturally quickly, slamming into the side of the carriage as a young woman jumped from it, marching into the house with her head thrown back and her nose in the air. After her jumped Mr Eshton, Mr Rochester and then Captain Franklin. As soon as the woman entered the house, Jane could hear raised voices, slamming doors, and then the cries of Anne.
Henry's eyes flashed opened, and he began to cry.
"Oh my love, all is well, all is well" she said, rubbing his back warmly, "Did that frighten you?"
He sniffled tears breathing in quickly as his mother kissed his cheek.
More raised voices from downstairs caused Jane to stand quickly and move to the top of the stairs, watching the scene below her unfold. A young girl stood in the middle of the foyer, pushing Anne off of her. She was wearing a bright pink dress and matching bonnet which had become wet in the rain and now dripped all over the floor. Her hair was dishevelled, falling from its bun with neglected care. She looked quite enraged, and shot Mr Eshton nasty looks over Anne's shoulder. Franklin looked weary, but Mr Rochester appeared annoyed and unimpressed.
"You had no right to come and get me- invading my life like I am some sort of child".
"Catherine, you ran away when your parents entrusted you to our care. We did need to come and get you, you were our responsibility-"
"Sending three strange men after me like I am some prize to be won-"
"Catherine" Eshton said angrily, "You are speaking of three married men. Watch yourself. You are not a prize to be won, you are a silly little girl who is frustrated she was caught when she did not wish to be".
"Well, what else was I supposed to think? Three men hurtling towards me and my love and prying him from me"
"Love?" Eshton huffed, "He does not love you Catherine, he loves your family money"
"How dare you!"
"That is enough" Anne said, looking at her husband and then back at Catherine. "That is enough for now. Catherine, go and get changed. You are wet, and there is no need for you to catch a cold. We will resume talking of this later".
"Oh we will?" she questioned, "I am not so sure of that. Tommy will come and get me, of that I am sure. Him and his fellow soldiers will come and rescue me. Then I will be rid of you forever".
"He will not" Franklin reminded, "He is currently being discharged from the army and his soldier friends will want nothing to do with him".
"How can you know that? You hardly look like a naval captain. I do not believe you when you say such".
"Catherine" Eshton warned again,
"Go on now" Anne said, "Meg will show you to your room, and if you try and leave it-"
"What will you do? Lock me in?"
"I haven't ruled it out" Eshton said, looking at Mr Rochester.
"And who is this?" she asked, indicating Jane at the top of the stairs, "Come out of hiding to hear our family drama, have you?"
"You will address her only as Ms Rochester, Catherine. She is our guest here and you will not talk to her in such a disrespectful way again"
"Your wife?" she asked disbelievingly, indicating Mr Rochester
"Yes" he replied plainly, "And my son, whom I am sure you have woken from his nap given how tired he looks".
"Indeed, surely all of your noise have roused him" Eshton said angrily, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to settle a child for sleep Catherine? No, because you are a child yourself with no responsibility"
"All is well, Mr Eshton" Jane answered kindly, seeing his frustration grow and grow.
"I think me having the courage to peruse a passionate romance, and how rare that is, is the cause for all of the attention. I think you came out, Ms Rochester, to see for yourself what a woman who follows her heart looks like. You type, you upper class, wealthy people never understand love. Love within your marriages only last a week, therefore I pity you. All you care about is money. I do not care that my Tommy is not rich, and that means I am a great deal better than you all. This fuss is only masked jealousy".
Edward grinned slightly at his wife, and Jane looked back at him, sharing a look that only he would understand.
"-and I do not like being on display".
"Then I suggest that you start by lowering your voice and retreating to your room" Anne said, "Before you cause any more damage and your father is called for instantly".
"My father would not be half as angry with me as you all seem to be".
"You have not been in correspondence with him" Eshton warned.
Picking up the end of her skirt, Catherine marched up over the stairs, clomping her heels on each step as she went. She passed Jane without saying a word and Meg, the maid, trailed behind her quickly to show her to the right room. When a door slammed upstairs, Eshton sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair.
"Mr Tibs" he said, indicating the Butler, "Please ensure that no one leaves or enters this house without my permission"
"Yes sir"
"I need a drink"
Without saying another word, he advanced into his study. Anne followed behind him so that there was only Jane, Edward and Franklin left standing in the foyer.
"Well, at least she was found" Franklin said, not sounding very enthusiastic. "Though I am sure this is not over yet. Poor Eshton".
"Does the navy allow you to carry any weapons with outside of service? Perhaps that would help"
"You joke Rochester, but Eshton already asked me such seriously" he sighed and looked towards Jane, '"I am sure you have many questions"
"Which I will fill her in on now" Edward said, "As soon as Henry is put down for his nap".
"Very well. I shall see you both for dinner. I am headed out to see an old friend for a while"
"Goodbye Captain" Jane called as her husband moved towards her, "See you at dinner".
He tipped his hat and rounded the corner so that he was soon out of sight. Edward meet Jane at the top of the steps and smiled at her.
"Are you writhing with jealousy Jane? Unable to live beside a woman who has abandoned all principals and morals in order to follow her heart? Is all you care about my money? Have you only ever loved me for a week out of all our married life?"
Jane smiled at him,
"You have finally worked me out, you have cracked this facade of mine".
Edward chucked in his low, masculine way. He took Henry from Jane's arms and held him close.
"Why do you not go and get a cup of tea, love? You look tired too, and I can get him down in the meantime. Then I can tell you what happened this morning".
"You know, I would appreciate that very much" Jane said, sounding a little more desperate than she intended, "Very much indeed"
"Well misses Rochester, come find me when you are ready".
. . .
Jane asked for some tea to be arranged on a tray so she could take some up to Edward as well, but it indeed was more trouble than she anticipated. The busy kitchen staff shoved the tray reluctantly into a waiting maids hands and indicated that she follow Jane upstairs. They were not too impressed that she had asked for tea while they were trying to make supper and this made Jane feel very guilty.
"Do not feel bad, miss. Tea is not much to ask for" the young maid said, seeming to read her mind.
"I did not realise they were so busy down there. I could have gone down myself to make it"
"Oh no you couldn't ma'am. They do not like the upstairs people coming down into their work space. They are just a little understaffed at present for the number of guests staying in this home".
"I could help them"
"So could I" said the young girl, "But they will not have it, miss, and so you must simply enjoy your tea".
"Yes, thank you" Jane said, "Please, I can take the tray from here".
"Very well then".
Jane opened her bedroom door awkwardly, trying to be quiet and balance the tray as stably as possible in her arms. But before she could struggle long, the door was opened and Edward took the tray from her.
"Thank you"
"There is no need to be so cautious, Henry is sleeping in the other room. He went to bed instantly"
"Oh good. You are lucky, then".
"Not lucky- you did all the work already in making him sleepy. It must have taken a long time to settle him earlier".
"A few hours" Jane responded, closing the door behind her.
Off to the right side of the room there were two chairs set up facing each other. Jane brought a table over from near the fireplace for them to place the tea tray on and then sat down opposite her husband. Edward handed Jane her teacup, poured his own tea, and then looked at her thoughtfully over the rim as he drank.
"What are you looking at?" she asked, "Or perhaps the better question is what are you looking for?"
He smiled at Jane's understanding of him.
"I was waiting to see if you would tell me what happened today"
"Should you not be the one to tell me?".
He shook his head once.
"I mean what happened to you to make you sad. I can see in your eyes, Jane, that something has affected you".
But Jane only looked down into her tea, gripping it in her hands. Sometimes his ability to read her, despite her trying to hide it, was quite frustrating.
"I do not wish to talk about it"
When Jane looked up she could see her husband looked confused and slightly hurt. But out of respect, he did not push her. Jane shook her head,
"I did not mean that" she said softly, "I wish I could put it from my mind. It is an issue that I cannot solve, and nor can you, and although it is upsetting, talking about it I do not think will do anything. So it is better that I just forget it, in time-"
"Jane?"
"Yes?" she said quickly, looking at him sheepishly.
"Tell me"
Jane stood and moved to her husbands lap. He smiled at the action of making herself more comfortable and handed her the teacup that she had left on the table. She thanked him briefly before speaking.
"I was in town today, which already felt strange and truthfully a little disorientating. When I am in town with you, I feel safe and at ease. By Anne does not know that I do not understand town, and so she moved with all the speed and comfort of someone who had lived there their whole life while I trailed behind, trying to take everything in. When we were outside this bakery a woman stepped out of a shop and pushed a little child out of the way with her umbrella. The little girl fell back, and I went over, and she was covered in dirt, and grime, and it was very hard to see. I have seen poverty before, but it was not like the poverty in the city. In Lowood, or at Moor House the children were poor, and yet they were still taken care of. They did not have much, but those around them donated what they could afford to give away so that no one was in true want. It was different. These children had no one, and this little girl was so thin that when I touched her, I felt her bone sticking through her shoulder. I bought her these two loaves of bread, and I would have bought her more but I was certain she could not have carried it. She ran away, and I was left standing there feeling horribly guilty with my son who is loved, and taken care of, and warm, and clean and it has been piercing my heart ever since".
Jane's voice broke slightly on the final word, emotion welling in her throat and threatening to overcome her. She took a deep staggering breath and shook her head when her husband went to speak.
"Edward, I know that feeling this way is not wrong. I know that I am the type of person to be soft and malleable, and I do not believe there is anything wrong with that. But it is the immensity of the issue which troubles me. Even if, by some miracle, I could have taken that little girl today and brought her where she would be taken care of, there are still hundreds, perhaps thousands of children of the same fate. The issue can never be dealt with".
Edward threw his head back in the chair so he could have a fuller view of his wife.
"When I travelled the world as a younger man, my heart broke again and again for the hardship I saw, for I had never seen the likes of it- not even in England. I remember coming across this family who were all travelling in an opened carriage, headed up and down this long stretch of deserted road. They were selling their children, trying to get some money and put their children in a position where they could have a chance in life. That image was burned into my mind for weeks after I saw it. It was all I could think of when I went to bed at night. I even thought of sending a private agent into Russia to find them to give them half of the money I had with me. I think I may have, although no one was willing to take the trip into the countryside. Viewing suffering is very hard, and when one's heart is as vulnerable as yours it is so much worse".
"What did you do?"
"I accepted the fact that I could not help everyone, and instead decided it was better to focus my energy where I could act definitely, and my action would mean something. I may have done such, if I wasn't so selfish and consumed with my own life. You do not need to solve an issue, Jane, in order to have a meaningful impact on it".
Jane nodded and was silent for a long time before she spoke again.
"It is just that-" A pause. "I am that little girl, Edward. Or that could have easily been me. I was cast out of my family home. I had no money. I had no where to go. My aunt placed me in a charitable institution but she just as easily could have put me out on the streets. That little girl could have been me, had providence not chosen otherwise. How is it fair that some people have so much, and others have so little?"
"It is not fair" Edward replied honestly, "It is not fair".
He kissed her temple, not immediately drawing back from her.
"But because of you, that little girl today had something to eat. You may not have solved the problem, but you gave her food, and that matters".
"Mmm" Jane mused, putting her head on her husband's shoulder.
"Dear God, Jane. I love you".
Jane lifted her head to look on him lovingly. He guided her mouth towards his and kissed her affectionately.
At that moment they could hear angry voices again down the hall, the shrill shrieking voice of Catherine being the most distinctive one. Jane rested her back against the arm of the chair and tucking her feet into the corner of it. She looked at Edward wearily.
"Is this situation to become worse than it is now?"
He adjusted his position, looking at the door and then back at Jane.
"Catherine put up quite the fight today. In truth, I was shocked at her behaviour, and I believe that means a great deal coming from me"
"Where was she?"
"We found her in a brothel"
"In a brothel?" Jane asked in slight shock.
"She was not working there, but she was staying there as rooms in brothels are often much cheaper than hotel rooms, as you can imagine. You should have seen the looks on both Franklin's and Eshton's faces when they learned they would have to go inside"
Jane smiled, "Why?"
"Well, Franklin was terrified that if he was spotted there, and Diana ever found out, she would tear him limb from limb"
"Quite possibly" Jane said, weighting the possibility
"And Eshton thought that he was likely to catch something just by looking at someone in there"
"Catch what?" Jane asked innocently.
Edward stopped to look at her curiously for a moment before his face stretched into a humble smile.
"There are certain diseases that are spread through sexual contact. Scientists believe it is shared when fluids mix between two bodies. Brothels are infamous for harbouring such diseases"
"And what do these diseases do to a person?" Jane asked curiously,
"It depends. There are several different types"
"Are they fatal to a person?"
"They can be".
"Hm" she pondered, thinking over such in her mind.
"Jane, love?"
"Mm?"
"You need not worry about such a thing"
She smiled and looked at him,
"No, but I did not know of such a thing before now. It is all very interesting. Did you ever meet a person with such a disease? Can you tell by looking at them?"
"Darling, another time perhaps"
She raised an eyebrow. He sighed.
"Yes, and yes. Well, sometimes. But this person had nothing to do with me. Are you contented now?".
"Yes" Jane said, "For now"
"Well, we found Catherine shacked upstairs in this room with her lover nowhere to be found. She was spread over the bed waiting for Thomas Jones to return. I think she thought we had come on some very bad errand, for she screamed upon seeing us appear in her room and tried to run, sheets pulled up around her, waving a fire poker. It was not until Eshton had claimed his relation to her that she finally calmed down enough to listen. We all left, giving her time to change before we would leave but she refused, saying that Tommy would be returning any moment for her and that she could not be carried away by three strange men. But Eshton by this time was furious, and practically dragged Catherine out of the room and down over the steps of the brothel into the waiting coach. Just as she was put inside, this young man came running over and smashed on the window, screaming in the streets that his love had been taken and was being abducted by three men. In truth, coming from the place we were leaving, people had very little sympathy for his pleas. Catherine called Eshton's name to him as we drove off, telling him to come and find her there".
"Good God" Jane said, "What a very bad scene"
"Eshton is incredibly embarrassed. He is well known in London, and it certainly wasn't a flattering position for him to be in. Franklin likewise was embarrassed, for members of the army were waiting there to discharge Mr Jones"
"But you were not" Jane said, knowingly.
"No" he replied simply, "She is just a young, misguided sixteen year old girl swept off her feet by a man who knew what to say to get her into his bed. It was more important to get her out of there than to feel embarrassed about doing so".
More screams issued from down the hall, and Jane sighed.
"I am assuming it would be best to get Catherine out of this house and back to her home before this Thomas Jones can have a chance at finding her. Do you think he will come?"
"Truthfully, probably not. Now that he knows she has been taken back by her family, why would be come here when there are other more vulnerable women to prey on?"
"So it really was just for her money?"
"Entirely"
"Perhaps he thought that by getting her pregnant, such would be a guaranteed prospect".
"I think you are probably right".
"Did she say anything to you on the carriage ride home?"
"Not a word. She only cried great heaving sobs".
Jane nodded, and Edward surveyed her.
"Let's go home tomorrow morning" he said suddenly, "I do not want my family to be around this anymore. We've done what we said we would come and do, but you look exhausted and it has been too hard caring for Henry under all this".
"Alright" Jane responded, finding no reason to disagree with him.
. . . .
The next morning, the Rochester's packed up early and got ready to leave.
It was evident from Anne's face that she was regretting their decision to go very much, in spite of her endless gratitude for them having come into town and taken her with them. Jane began to tell her why they had to go, but she was cut off.
"No, Jane, please. It is very good you are going. Mr Eshton called Catherine's father this morning, and he is on his way here now. It is best not to get entangled in that all, even though I wish you would stay. You are your husband both bring a sense of ease, especially to my husband who at times can become very overwhelmed".
Jane nodded in understanding.
"He may never forgive me after this"
"He may be angry right now, but he also knows that this was not your fault. When all of this is dealt with, and Catherine is safely back home, you will return to your home and everything will resume as normal. You shall see".
"Ms Eshton" a servant said approaching them, "I beg your pardon, but the kitchen staff wish to see you immediately"
"Right, I shall be straight down".
She turned on her friend,
"Jane you will come find me before you leave, will you not?"
"Of course I will"
She smiled thankfully and rounded the corner down over the stairs.
Jane began walking back down over the hallway when she passed Catherine's room. The door was opened ajar and so she could hear its inmate crying, and see her sitting on the bed mournfully. Without thought, Jane moved forward into the room and knocked on the door. Catherine whipped around quickly.
"I thought it must have been you" she said forcefully, "No one else has shown me as much respect by knocking since I have arrived here".
"May I come in?"
"Why?"
Jane paused,
"I am not sure" she responded truthfully, "When I have been upset in the past, without anyone to turn to, I often wished that someone would just appear at my door and offer to sit and listen".
"I do not need anyone to listen" Catherine admitted, sounding defeated, but she did not object Jane's advance into the room. "Everyone treats me like a child, you know. And I'm not. I'm sixteen now. My mother married when she was fifteen, and that is a woman. But because I wished to live my own life in my own way, I am seen as a child. It does not seem to make much sense to me".
"It is not your age which case you in such a light, Catherine. It was because you took advantage of the people who were kind enough to invite you to their home, and then kind enough to trust you when you were sent away with friends of theirs into the city. You broke the Eshton's trust by running away".
"I did not tell them I would not run away" she said stubbornly, "So I did not break their trust".
"But they trusted you would act like an adult, and that you would make the right decisions. You disrupted their lives, for they had to put everything on hold to come and look for you".
"They live a life of leisure, like I do. We are wealthy. It is what the wealthy do. They may not have wanted to come into town, but it was not hugely inconvenient to do so".
Jane sent her an unhappy look,
"Catherine, you know that is not what I meant. People's time is valuable to them, and you caused the Eshton's much anxiety. Because they care for you, they were very concerned. And besides, you cannot have such an attitude towards the people in your life"
"I suppose you mean that I cannot have such an attitude because it disturbed you and your husband as well?"
"We came to help our friends, because that is what one does, if one can. That is not what matters most. What matters is that you must value those in your life. You must value what trust they place in you. You must value what special place you hold for them. To not do such is a betrayal. You said you are not a child, and yet you have continued to do the one thing that children do- you will not take responsibility for your actions".
"I cannot" she said flatly,
A still, full silence filled the air. It was the most truthful thing she had said to Jane.
"Why?"
"Because if I do, if I apologise, it will say to them that what I did was wrong- and it wasn't. I love Tommy, and I wish to marry him. So I cannot say that what I did was not right".
"Loving is not wrong, Catherine" Jane said kindly, "But the way in which you cast aside everything that was right in order to do so was indeed wrong. You can apologise for the trouble you have caused without saying it was wrong to love Tommy".
Catherine considered this for a moment, her mind turning with the possibility of doing such.
"They would never believe me"
"Well, does it matter if people believe you if you are telling the truth?"
"Of course it does"
"But you will not feel at ease again until you do apologise, for you are sorry, and your heart cannot rest if it is sorry for something".
Jane paused before continuing, her tone softening with understanding and compassion.
"Say you are sorry, Catherine. It is not easy. It will be very hard to do. But you must apologise if you want to make this situation right".
"If I apologise- if I surrender, I will have lost".
Jane shook her head,
"You lose only by losing your family, your reputation, and your life. You lose nothing by admitting a fault. You are a young woman, Catherine, you need support. And I suggest doing such before your father arrives, for if Mr Eshton is less angry upon his arrival, all the better".
Catherine nodded solemnly.
"You are very easy to talk to. You are honest".
"That is very kind of you to say" Jane answered, "I used to be a teacher of girls your age".
"You were a teacher!?"
"Yes, for a while in a school, and then for a while as a governess".
"Goodness, I find that hard to believe"
"It is very true".
"And your husband married you anyways?"
Jane smiled,
"He did, perhaps even because of it".
Catherine sat pondering her answer as Jane stood.
"We are leaving now in a few minutes, and so I will have to say goodbye to you now".
"Oh" Catherine said in surprise, "Goodbye then. And-", she stopped herself and willed herself to continue, "Thank you"
"Of course" Jane said, touching her shoulder, "Take care of yourself, Catherine. All will feel better soon".
As Jane reached the door, Catherine called out.
"He is not coming...is he?"
It was half bravery, half regret which filled her voice. Jane turned to look at her.
"Perhaps it is better to understand it this way, Catherine. Any man who loves you, and respects you, would not have put you in the situation that this man has. Real love does not ask things of you that is wrong".
Catherine nodded and Jane sent her one final encouraging look before closing the door behind herself.