Hello dear readers.
Please forgive me for how much time has passed since I last uploaded. There have been a lot of personal reasons, but certainly not because I have fallen out of love with this story. I am really excited to write more!
Thank you, thank you for all of your love and support. I am truly so appreciative of it.
Please let me know what you think!
xoxox
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Three days later, Jane found herself creeping into her husbands bedroom, not knowing if he would be asleep, balancing a tray of food in her arms. She had taken an unnaturally long period of time trying to get up over the steps without spilling it. So long, in fact, that she wondered to herself if it would even be warm for Edward.
She had woken up in the middle of the night to take care of a crying Henry and, after rocking him for what felt like hours, she looked up at the clock she saw that it was only just turning four o'clock. Still, she was with him, holding him, pleading with him to sleep until the sun rose and then there was no possibility of him falling back to sleep.
Jane was so tired that she felt sick herself. She hadn't slept in three days, but for the sake of not making her husband feel guilty, she tried to act as awake as possible when she was near him. In her quiet moments spent with Henry, she found that she could barely keep her eyes opened long enough to know that she shouldn't be falling asleep.
She turned the doorknob of the bedroom and stepped inside, instantly annoyed with what she saw.
"What are you doing?"
Edward was standing in the middle of the room, buttoning up his shirt in an suspiciously fast way. He still looked pale and sallow, but he had more energy than he had had a few days ago. Still, Jane was annoyed with him for being out of bed at all, and laid her tray down a little more forcefully than she intended. At the sound of clattering china, Edward looked up at his wife and bit his lip.
"I'm sorry" he said, looking guilty, "I just cannot stay in bed any longer".
"I know you want to be out of bed, but you have to rest. You're still not well, and you will make yourself worse by overexciting yourself. Please".
Jane had a feeling that had her voice not been tainted with the smallest amount of desperation he would have tried debating with her. But, instead he sat back down on the bed and began unbuttoning his shirt once more.
"Thank you" she said, picking the tray up once more and bringing it over to her husband. There were two bowls of soup and two slices of bread on the tray, for Edward was not contented to eat if he was not sure his wife was eating as well. It suited them both, for it gave Jane the opportunity to relax, if only for a few minutes.
"No, thank you. This looks wonderful, and I am hungry".
"Are you? I am glad to hear that".
"Mmm. Did Henry get to sleep?"
"No. But Jenny took him for a little while so I could come in here and be with you".
"I swear Jane- when I am allowed to be around Henry again you will be sleeping in this room for a week. You look absolutely exhausted".
Jane smiled slightly, "You need not look so guilty"
"I feel guilty".
"I know. But it cannot be helped. You cannot predict becoming sick when you have an infant".
"All the same, I wish there was some way to repay you"
"Marriage is not about keeping scores and tracking debts. There is nothing to repay. But I would be very happy indeed if you ate all of your soup and bread".
He looked at her meaningfully before picking up his spoon and eating. They ate in silence for some minutes, with Edward suspecting that Jane would appreciate the quiet time over a discussion. She did not notice the silence, however, for her mind was void of all thoughts. It was not until Edward lent over and picked up a letter from the side table that her attention was drawn to him again.
"We received a letter this morning" he said, an odd smile of amusement and pride spreading over his face, "From Mr Eshton"
"Oh?"
"Mm, he was writing to me of how well things have been since we left"
"Really? Oh good. That is such a relief to hear"
Edward raised his eyebrow at her,
"I thought surely it would be a horrible scene when Catherine's father arrived. I thought Anne would be traumatised for life-" she paused, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because Eshton said it was all because of you- because of what you said to Catherine before we left"
"Well, I did not intend to go in and speak with her. But her door was ajar, and I heard her crying. In that moment I felt for her".
"What was she saying to you?"
"Nothing at first. I could sense that she felt very confused, and unsure of how to move forward. She wanted to put all this behind her, and apologise, but her pride had her bound up in complexities of feeling- like she needed to defend her actions. I told her that it was okay to be wrong, that perhaps fully acknowledging her part in the affair was the most vital thing to moving forward. I hoped it had settled her, but I am glad to hear it has"
"Mmm" Edward said "As such a young girl, doing what she did, how could she not be confused".
Jane looked at him thoughtfully, "You sound like you have compassion for her, at least more than I perhaps do"
"Well, I may have done many things in my youth, but I never ran away with a woman to have a love affair. Still, I understand being young and searching for yourself in spite of what you are told you must be, and feeling like you have to prove yourself to the adults around you. The problem is, sometimes adults do know better".
"I admit, that was not an option for me"
"No, of course" he said with understanding, "It is solely an upper class problem. While you spent your late youth starving and freezing in that cursed Lowood school, Catherine spent her time deciding whether or not she would marry a young man of her station and rank. The luxury of even being able to decide makes it all seem trite, and unimportant".
"No" Jane objected, "It matters at least to her, for it is all she has known. She deserves to be treated with respect, in that regard"
"Well I doubt anyone has an immense amount of respect for her now, but in time she will regain the trust of the adults around her- or she will marry a rich man of her station who will take her out from underneath her parents care".
"Well" Jane smiled, "At any rate, I'm glad she is home now where she can properly looked after until that day comes. In spite of everything, I did like her in a way. She was passionate, at least. And she fought for what she thought was right, even if those things were wrong in the end".
Edward coughed deeply, covering his mouth with his sleeve. Jane rubbed his leg affectionately but she then felt a wave of emotion rush through her, and she stilled her hand. She must have done a poor job of hiding this however, for he looked up at his wife and his face stretched into a slight smile.
"I am fine, Jane. My cough has gotten much better"
"I know that" she said, wanting to sound bright, but her voice faltered and was instead low and soft. She closed her eyes before continuing.
"It is just that- you know that for all of my life I was alone without another person to look to. I moved through the world believing my life would remain the same, a stagnant pattern of lonely independence. But then I met you, and your love took me out of all of that, and suddenly I was no longer alone but rather I was fused to another human being in a way that meant I could never be removed. I cannot tell you the fear I had when I thought that part of my soul would be torn away. In that moment I could not imagine a way that Henry and I could go on without you".
"You need never be without me" was the low, gentle reply filled with strength and honesty.
"I know" Jane said, squeezing his thumb reassuringly as she spoke, "Sitting here with you now, seeing that the colour has returned to your face, I can trust your words. But a few days ago was the first time I felt the fear of losing you, and now, with Henry, I fear that it all holds a different meaning. How could Henry grow up without you? How could I live without my soul".
"Jane, Jane, if I cannot kiss you and comfort you you must not look that way. It will surely break my heart. Be at ease, and push all other possibilities from your mind for there are no other possibilities. Souls like ours were not meant to be separated".
He paused, sighing before continuing,
"I was put onto this world to love you, Jane Rochester. And you were put into this world to do the same"
"Mmm" she said in agreement, still thoughtful about what he had said. Edward touched her face with his hand, moving his thumb over her lips. She looked up at him.
"And to think" he said, more to himself than her, "-that at one point you did not believe you were made for love"
Jane shook her head, "I did not think I was"
"You weren't, for general love- you were made for mine"
Jane smiled at him, her heart swelling.
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes"
"Good, I am glad"
But her smile faded, and Jane observed him meaningfully.
"What is it?"
"I wish very much you were not sick at this moment?"
Edward smiled at her, confused,
"-all I wish to do right now is to make love to you".
His face stretched into the widest grin as his amused eyes pierced her soul.
"You know what I am going to say to you"
"I do, and the answer is no, Edward. We cannot. I can't become sick when I have you and Henry to tend to".
"I can kiss you in a way you will not get sick"
Jane looked at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"...or, more like in a place where you will not get sick"
Jane bit her lip, shaking her head.
"You will make me blush"
"I like seeing you like that"
Jane glanced at the clock and then sighed, laying down her remaining bite of bread.
"I must go"
Edward nodded, but grabbed her arm as she moved away from him.
"Jane, love, if you become too tired, come back here. You can have the bed and I will rest by the fire in a chair. You have been working too hard, and I worry about you".
"People put up with much harder everyday. I am well".
"I know that, but it still doesn't take away from the fact that you are taking care of a husband and an infant and not sleeping well in between. Promise me".
"I know. I promise if I become too tired I will return".
Jane squeezed his hand, but he only smiled up at her,
"I know that you will not, even though you have promised me now"
"In truth, probably not" she smiled, dropping his hand from hers. She ran her thumb along his jaw and then departed to check on her son.
. . . . . . .
Jane woke the next morning with a horrible pain in her neck. She pulled her head off of the arm of the sofa and sat up slowly, rubbing the throbbing area gingerly.
She had not meant to fall asleep in Henry's nursery, but it had grown late by the time he had settled, and she supposed that she was too tired to move into her own bedroom. Had she known she would wake up so stiff, however, she wouldn't have chanced it no matter how tired she was. She stood and stretched slowly, feeling the strain in her body intensify as she began to move. Creeping from the room, she closed the door behind her and went downstairs for some breakfast.
Jane ate alone quickly, and then prepared for the meetings of that day. Without Edward it would be impossible to have any meetings with anyone outside of the estate, because surely they would not take Jane seriously as a woman, but she could carry on with servant meetings so that things did not fall behind in the house. Edward was still weak, and to inflict the burden of caring for his staff onto that would surely set him back. So, Jane was happy to do so in the meantime.
She sat at Edward's desk in his study and rummaged through it, looking for the staff files for the weeks meetings. But when she had located them and simply was waiting for the first servant to arrive, she felt her eyelids becoming heavy and her cheek slipping from her hand as she begged herself wordlessly to stay awake. Three sharp knocks on the door roused her once more, and Jane called out for the person to enter. With this order given, the door was pushed opened and Ivan entered, one of the older male servants who worked as a footman.
"Good morning, mistress"
"Good morning Ivan, please have a seat"
"Thank you ma'am"
He sat down opposite her at the desk, though he felt strangely far away.
"I am sorry that Mr Rochester cannot be the one meeting you today. I am sure you are anxious that I see to your needs as he would, and I promise to do my best"
"Oh miss" he said in slight surprise, "I am grateful you are seeing me today. I know the master is unwell, so I appreciate you using your valuable time to see me".
"Of course. And what was it you wanted to talk about?"
"Well ma'am, I spoke with Mr Rochester last month about an advance in my salary. I asked because my son just had a baby miss, and he and his wife don't have much. I wanted to send them my paycheck in advance so that they could be comfortable, and not worry. Well the master was kind to do it for me last time, and I wished to put the same petition to him today".
"Oh, how wonderful" Jane said, "Is the child a boy or a girl?"
"A girl, madam"
"What is her name?"
"Angela".
Jane smiled,
"And does your son live near here so that you could visit them?"
"No, not really madam. My son moved a few counties away to find work. Because of that, I do not get to see him often".
"I see. Well, Mr Sacks, I do not want to keep you too long, for I know you are very busy and have much to do. The advance in your salary will be no problem. I will see to it that you are given it by the end of today so that it can be sent to your son as soon as possible. As for visiting your son, please know that whenever you wish to go and see him and your new granddaughter, inform John, and your transport can be arranged. You could even take him the money yourself, if you wanted".
"Oh, Ms Rochester, thank you so much" he said, standing and clutching his gloves in his hand, "That is very kind of you. Would Mr Rochester have any objections to me leaving him for a few days?"
"No. I can speak for my husband when I say that he would have no objections to you spending time with your family".
"Thank you" he said, bowing, "Thank you very much Ms Rochester".
"Of course. Thank you for all you do. Just tell John whenever you wish to leave".
As Ivan left the room, Leah stepped into the room.
"Good morning miss. I just wished to inform you that Henry is now awake and inside his room and the master was asking after you".
"Thank you" Jane said, "I am just meeting with one more member of staff here and then I can take care of Henry. Is it possible to ask Jenny to sit with him for just a few minutes?"
"Of course miss. She said to take your time and that she was happy to stay with him".
"Please tell her I said thank you"
"Of course. Shall I send in Michael now?"
"Yes please".
. . . .
Half an hour later, Jane found herself ascending the steps to go and see her son. She felt guilty that she had not been there when he woke up, and that his father was not there either. But while Edward was sick, the matters of the house still needed to continue, and the staff could not be let down. After taking Henry from Jenny and thanking her for watching him, Jane sat with her son for some time, feeding him and playing with him.
Now at six months old, Henry was changing seemingly everyday. He was gaining a curiosity for the world, wanting to touch and play with everything around him. He could sit up now with help, and often rolled around his stomach to try and reach the things he was curious in. He was often smiley, happy, and repeated the noises that his mother and father made. Though this was only babble, it made Jane smile every time because she knew it was Henry trying to communicate. It made her feel incredibly happy for the future but longing for time to slow down, just a little bit. She kissed his chubby cheeks and held him close to her chest until his feeding had made him tired and he once again fell asleep. When he had been lowered into his crib and tucked up in blankets, Jane left the room to go and see her husband.
She pushed opened her bedroom door to find Edward sitting up in bed reading. Usually his face lit up upon seeing his wife enter a room, but today Jane could tell he was a little contrary and grumpy. She did not blame him. For such an active person, being confined to a bed for days on end must have felt endless. She advanced towards him and kissed the top of his head, trying to convey in that gesture as much affection as she normally would impart with a normal kiss.
"Good morning"
"God afternoon is more like it" Edward said, glancing at the clock on the nearby table, "It is near one".
"Is it? I never noticed. Today has been so hectic".
"Has it? Why? It has not been because you were in here with me" he sooked, "I have never seen a man, who is the head of a house, be so denied by his family. I have not been allowed to see my son in days which has been extremely hard, and my wife does not think to come in and check on me, or even sleep with me anymore. I need not mention how I have not even been able to kiss my wife these past few days ".
Jane smiled at him, unable to contain her amusement.
"-and if you were not sleeping in here with me it meant that you were asleep in Henry's nursery, and I cannot imagine you slept well in there on that tiny sofa. So now I am concerned for you overworking yourself and not getting a good nights sleep"
"I made out fine in the nursery, except for being away from you".
"You are lying to me. I can see you holding your head differently. Are you stiff?"
Jane bit back the urge to change the subject,
"Yes, a little"
"Are you alright?"
"Mhm, just a little sore".
Edward looked unhappy, but Jane shook her head.
"I know you are frustrated, and that being stuck in this room has been hard-"
"Near impossible"
"Yes, near impossible" Jane continued, "But in doing so you are ensuring that you get better so that you can remain a husband and a father to us. For that reason alone I cannot be selfish by grieving your kisses"
Edward sighed,
"Well this better be my last sickness for a long time, because a man can only take so much".
Jane took his hand in hers and held it smugly.
"How do you feel today?"
"Truly, I feel much better. Almost back to my normal self"
"You look better. You also sound better".
"And you sound tired. Come on, tell me of your morning. Why was it so busy?"
"Well, mostly because I meet with Ivan and Michael"
"Jane love, you did not need to do that"
"I know, but I did not want our staff to feel like their employment was not of the utmost importance to us, no matter what was happening in the house".
"Well that is very true, and very important. Thank you so much, darling, for taking that on. What was it that they wanted?"
"Ivan wanted another advancement in his pay to send to his family"
"Which you approved, yes?"
"I did, and I told him that he was free to bring the money to his son if he wanted in order to see his grandchild"
"Very good. When he wants to go, John can arrange for one of the carriages to bring him. And what did Michael want to talk about?"
"He was making a complaint about another one of the boys working in the stables. He claimed that Joshua was not doing his own work, and that he was forced to make up for his shortcomings by doing extra"
Edward rolled his eyes,
"Those two are always fighting. I already tried separating them by giving Joshua employment within the house, but ultimately they wished to be working together again. What was his complaint? That Joshua was not making sure the horseshoes were under proper maintenance".
"Yes, actually"
"Michael complains of that weekly. Well, perhaps I shall have to take more concrete steps words separating those two, or have a serious conversation with them. The amount of squabbling between them that all amounts to nothing is excessive. I know that they are only boys, but they are boys who will soon be men, and if they continue to act like children they will not be taken seriously wherever they go in life".
"No, I agree with you. Part of being a mature person, and also a mature servant, is learning how to get along with those in your household, even if you have conflict with them. You will be doing them both a favour by having a serious conversation with them".
"Mmm, I will take care of it when I am out of this wretched room. Was there anything else?"
"No. Mail came this morning about business, but there was nothing else".
"Alright" he said warmly. He paused, looking at his wife before continuing. "Thank you so much, Jane. Truly, for everything. You have been incredible in dealing with all of this".
"That is my job"
"Well now I am concerned that I will not have an job when I am better. It seems you are more than capable of running this household without me".
"No, please. Come back and run the household. The mathematics I had to complete this morning was making my head spin"
He smiled,
"Did it?"
"Mhm. I think my brain has turned to mush since having Henry".
"That is not true" Edward said, "Only very early in the morning and very late at night".
Jane lay back on the bed, closing her eyes and putting her hands folded on her stomach. She did not bother to open her eyes for a very long time.
"You know" she said, her thoughts not able to leave her alone, even in darkness and silence, "I did not like the feeling of sitting across from them at that desk. It made me feel oddly superior, and because I was born to be a servant like them, I could not be comfortable in that role forever".
"I know. It is strange, at first. When I returned from Jamaica, my father and brother both dead, I felt completely unprepared for the job of running an estate. What knowledge did I have over those men? those women? I had nothing but rank and fortune that had been the result of pure luck. I hated having staff meetings, and could barely meet the eyes of those I spoke with. But, I have learned much since that makes understanding my role easier. Although it is not fair that some live with so much while others live with so little, I can at least provide the best working environment I can with the power I possess. I have seen some of the servant halls in other homes I've visited, and I flatter us, Jane, that our house is comfortable and safe for our servants. The servants do not want a friend in their master, as much as they may want a friend in their mistress" he said, flashing a meaningful look at his wife, "-they want a fair employer. Someone who says what they mean, and does the things he says he will do. With that, an employer does his duty".
"But you do far more than that" Jane interjected, "You are more than fair and honest. It was clear today from the way Ivan spoke that he respected you, and was perhaps even fond of you".
At that moment, there was a knock on the door.
"Mistress? Sorry to disturb you, but Henry has woken up"
"Thank you" Jane called back, "I shall be right out".