Hello friends!
I hope everyone is doing really well. I have had so much work to do with my job but this is such a great outlet for me and writing this story makes me so happy. So thank you, so much, from the bottom of my heart for reading. I love hearing from you, and I love reading how you love Jane and Rochester as much as I do.
More to come soon, lots of love,
xoxo
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Dinner that night was informal as after a day of travelling people were tired and not especially hungry. When finished, Mr Rochester, Mr Eshton and Captain Franklin departed for an after dinner drink while the women went upstairs to a small sitting room.
The sitting room off of the upstairs hallway was perhaps the least used room in the Rochester home. The house had multiple sitting rooms, but the one on the front of the house which looked out onto the drive and gardens was by far the nicest and the warmest. At one time Jane suspected that this smaller room was likely meant for a young woman just entering her teems to sit in with her governess and practice her manners and feminine skills. The walls, void of windows, were a dark maroon and every surface within the space was a dark mahogany. A fireplace burned on the right side of the room which, as small as it was, was far too warm for the space and gave off very little light. Still, the couches in here were exceptionally comfortable and Anne especially liked the space. It made Jane feel less guilty about how infrequently it was used the rest of the time.
As the ladies talked Daniel sat in Diana's lap and Henry rolled happily in Anne's. It was nice to have the children with them, for when Jane took Henry into a room where Mary was but she did not have her own son, Jane worried that it made her feel inadequate and like a bad mother. But tonight, everyone was happy and Jane reflected on how much joy she felt when with these women. They were light and happy, interested in each others lives while also capable of being serious and helpful when such was required of them. They were all different, their personalities varying on different points, and yet they were all complimentary. They passed hours in each others company without one disagreement, one feeling of envy, or one unkind thing spoken. It was wonderful to feel the support of such women. It reminded Jane of her only ever female friend, Helen, who she imagined would have been sitting here amongst them had she survived Lowood.
"So Jane, tell us, how is your Mr Rochester?" Diana asked, "He seems well"
"He is. Edward is doing very well"
"And what does he do these days to keep himself occupied? I know he must always have something on his mind to be contented"
"Edward is always reading or studying about something he finds interesting. Apart from such he is constantly with Henry. Our son is what takes up the majority of our time"
"I can tell fatherhood suits him though" Anne said, a certainty in her voice, "You are so lucky for him Jane, he is such a natural".
Jane paused thoughtfully before answering her friend.
"I think for much of his life Edward felt like a bad person because he betrayed his values and lived a life he was not proud of. He walked around ashamed and unsure that he would ever make a good mark upon the world again. And now he has a son whom he loves immensely. Being a father, loving him, having patience with him, and having a good influence over him comes so naturally to him. I believe it has restored his own faith in who he truly is- not who circumstances changed him into at one time".
"That is to say nothing of the influence you have had over him" Diana said, "I know, Jane, that when you walked into his life you restored every once of good he felt drained from the world. You are both wonderful people, and by extension you are wonderful parents. You are simply the most selfless mother I have ever seen. No nurse, no maid, and doing this all by yourself"
"I love it" Jane replied honestly, "I have loved every single moment of it because I have loved Henry more than I can possibly say. I would not change the way things have been for the world"
She looked over at her child in Anne's lap and smiled, seeing the ways he was so clearly like his father. Anne kissed his cheek before handing him over to his mother. Henry drooled happily looking up into his mother's face.
"I am so nervous for motherhood" Anne said softly, "Please, do not misunderstand me, for I am excited. But how can I possibly feel ready? This child will be here in two months, and although Mr Eshton has had the best clothes, cribs, carriages, rattles, and more brought into the house I feel immensely inadequate. Mr Eshton seems-I do not know, perhaps scared? or overall simply quiet on the topic? I wish he would say more so then I would know what he is thinking. He, I know, will not be a natural father in the way Mr Rochester is".
Jane thought over what Mr Eshton had said earlier as Diana and Mary launched into comforting words. He had said he was happy, but more for Anne than for a baby. Perhaps it was possible he simply did not need a child as soon as his wife and thus was not as excited as Anne at the prospect of a baby coming.
"-well, he locked me in my room practically for a week and that was how it all happened" Anne was saying lowly.
"What!" Mary said, sounding genuinely shocked.
"You are joking" Diana said, her voice filled with surprised excitement.
"No! Mr Eshton just told me one that day that he wanted children and that was it".
"Wow" Diana said, her hand on her chest, genuinely lost for words.
"It was not enjoyable. We were excessively sick of each other at the end of that week and needed a week apart to recover"
"I know" Diana said, looking rather serious, "It is hard to not become tired of your husband. Me and the Captain had our first serious argument the other day"
"Do tell" Anne said,
Jane smiled at her friends excitement, sipping her tea.
"He upset me greatly"
"What did he say?"
"He told me that women had to marry young because their beauty changes overtime and no man wants an ugly wife to which I replied that perhaps a certain youthful beauty fades, but not all feminine beauty and he laughed at me"
"Well!" Anne said, sounding indignant, "He indeed has some nerve"
"Yes, but then the conversation divulged into more and he started saying frightening things like he did not know if he could love me the same if I were not beautiful, and that women must have female companions so that they do not drive their husbands mad with their constant complaining".
All the women in the room let out exclamations of surprise and disagreement as Diana shook her head.
"I know. I was so angry at him, I would not speak with him all night. Then, the next morning, he came to me and said I needed to relax because it was all nothing more than him teasing me"
"No" Anne shook her head, "When men carry on like that it is so ridiculous. As the head of the house a woman is supposed to listen to her husband, but then he plays with her emotions in such a way and what is to be expected then?"
"It was unbelievable. I was so upset with him"
"i did not know this, Diana" Mary said sadly,
"I was too upset to talk about it, Mary" Diana confessed, "But I set him straight after I ignored him for a few days"
"Diana, you cannot be serious" Jane said, laughing, "You ignored him for- how long?"
"A few days. One or two".
"And what was the result?"
"Eventually I forgot to be mad with him and I acted normal with him until half way through the day when he reminded me I was meant to be mad at him"
Anne still looked very annoyed, her arms crossed.
"Well, one time me and Mr Eshton fought because he was upset at me for not arranging his house properly when we were first married. I think it is because I did not arrange the house like his mother did".
Jane grinned to herself, trying to bite back her laugh.
"I mean truly, why would I arrange our home like his mother arranged theirs. It is nonsensical. But he is a man, so he is used to not having his tastes questioned. We did not fight though because of what he said- we fought because of what was not said between us. I knew he was upset but he would not talk about it. It hurt my feelings because I suppose I felt dismissed by him. Though he may have been right. Whenever I try to describe my feelings to him I can never do it in a reasonable manner. I always cry, or over explain, or simply become frustrated and stop"
"Oh Anne, do not let that stop you from expressing your feelings" Jane said, "It is necessary to share your feelings with your husband, especially if you want no secrets or unpleasant feelings in your marriage".
"Jane, do you and Edward fight? If so, I cannot imagine it".
"We have gotten into disagreements, certainly. But I cannot stand to go to bed angry and neither can he. It comforts me greatly to know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, there will be nothing left unresolved between us".
"But the Captain will not do that"
"Neither will Mr Eshton. He prefers to go to bed and hope it blows over by morning"
"Your husbands do not hold all the power" Jane said encouragingly, "I think, if you recognised what power you truly possessed with them you would be able to move mountains".
Anne grinned at Jane while Diana looked thoughtfully at her cousin. Mary smiled.
"She is right, Diana. The Captain always looks for your approval, whether you notice it or not. If you were to withhold it- rightfully of course, then there would be no debates between you at all"
"Mary!" Anne said, looking happily surprised, "Are you suggesting your sister withhold things from her husband?"
"Not withhold" Mary said, "Just realising she has the power to withhold from him if she must"
Just at that moment the door opened and Mr Rochester walked into the room, bowing to his company.
"I am sorry for interrupting you ladies but I was wondering if I could borrow my wife for a moment".
"Of course" Jane said, standing, "Excuse me".
Her husband took her hand and lead her out of the room, down the hall and into their own bedroom with such intentional energy that Jane became concerned. When the door had closed behind him Jane waited in anticipation, but all that happened was he pushed her back gently against the door and kissed her deeply, running his hand down her back and resting it on her backside.
Confused, Jane broke the kiss to look at him.
"What are you doing?"
"Kissing you"
"I can tell that" she said, stopping another one of his advances, "Why?"
"Because I want to"
Understanding dawning on her, Jane shook her head, not breaking eye contact with her husband.
"You pulled me out of tea with the others in order to kiss me? Edward, I thought something was wrong"
"No, nothing is wrong. I just could not stop thinking about you".
Jane reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. He bent his head to kiss her again but she drew him back to read his face. He looked back at her, a full look of expectant love in his aspect. She put her hand on his cheek and caressed it gently before drawing his mouth to hers and kissing him. He lifted her up under her bum so that she could wrap her legs around him as he pressed her gently into the wall. Jane wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled into his kiss. Edward broke the kiss to look up at his wife, smoothing her hair away from her face. Jane wrapped his arms around him to pull him into a hug.
"Well, seeing as nothing is wrong, we have to go back"
"I know we do" Edward said, "But just a few more minutes"
"I'm afraid not" Jane said as she was lowered to the floor, "We have guests who I am sure are waiting to know where I went"
"I actually did have something to mention to you. Nothing pressing, however"
"What is it?"
"Jenny spoke with me as I came up over the stairs. She told me that Molly feels overworked trying to help with Daniel and do her housekeeping work-"
"No, I assured Molly she did not need to be concerned with her housework when the guests were here. Of course two jobs is too much for her"
"I know you would not have told her to do both. It must just have been a misunderstanding. I called for her to meet me and I explained to her that her only concern is Daniel and she said thank you, though to my face she also said that two jobs were not overwhelming for her".
"I will apologise to her when I see her next. But I am glad that has been settled now and not a week into our company's visit".
"I agree. I wonder that Molly did not live in a very strict home before coming here, for she is very timid with me. She practically shook like a leaf walking into my office".
"She is weary, even of me. But as long as she is comfortable now that is all that matters".
Edward kissed her forehead before taking her hand and walking her out of the room.
"How has your night been?"
"Oh, good. We were just catching up with one another. I imagine the other men have joined the women by now. They were following me upstairs"
"Were they? I thought they would simply head to bed after drinks"
"Jane, it's only eight" Edward said, indicating his watch.
"Is it! My goodness, I thought it was far later"
"It feels like that. I think it was because of Henry being so fussy this morning, it has been a long day for us both".
"Probably" Jane replied, "Well, promise you will give me a shake if I start to nod off"
Edward chuckled as he opened the door to the sitting room. Like he guessed the men were now sitting amongst the women, Eshton sitting beside his wife and the Captain lodged between Diana and Mary. As soon as Mr Rochester was seen entering the room Eshton raised his arm in exasperation.
"Rochester, set the record straight for us. Is Russia colder than England?"
"Yes, quite a bit colder"
"See?"
"No" objected Anne, "But it is not really a fair comparison is it? Because it is always winter in Russia"
"Actually, it is not always winter. Summers can be rather warm and beautiful" Edward explained "But you are right in the sense it is not a fair comparison. Russia is situated further north than England is so it is bound to be colder by nature".
Anne looked rather contented as she sat back in her seat. Eshton crossed his arms.
"I should have gone to Russia while I still had the chance. Before I was domesticated with a pregnant wife"
"Dearest, you do realise that you could still go and just take me with you"
"I'm not sure you would enjoy it Anne, it is very different from England. You have never travelled"
"I went to France, once"
"Well, France are our neighbours. Russia is half way around the world from here".
Edward shrugged,
"I find people are generally more alike than they are different, in spite of differing languages, cultures and practices. All people have the same fears, wishes, and desires stored in their hearts and surely that unites us more than if and when we have afternoon tea".
"I agree" Anne said, "I should have liked to travel. It is only that women are not given the opportunity to do so and so it is expected that we cannot".
"It is not only that" Franklin piped up, "Other countries are dangerous. Women cannot defend themselves against the sort of men which lurk about in the world".
"I think it is more that women do not have the exposure to the world they need in order to travel" Jane argued, "For men, they know how to interact with the world- how to be cautious and how to know what requires scepticism because they live lives which expose them to it. Women do not have the chance to learn such locked away in their houses. Women also do not use money often, and money is an invaluable tool for protecting yourself. Most women go through life without ever holding a significant amount of money in their hand. The whole practice of protecting yourself is something which women never get the chance to exercise for themselves".
Eshton looked thoughtful, "Do you mean that women could travel independently if they had the life experience of knowing how to protect themselves?"
"Well not only independently, but also with far more confidence. I have had to travel on my own before- not long distances by any measure, but still alone for days at a time. I saw other women as well as myself being looked upon as constantly needing help, or frankly being incapable of simple tasks, yet the hesitation a woman feels while travelling alone is only that she does not have any experience of life to make her feel safe, for she does not know what obstacles she could face".
"Jane is right" Diana said, "Myself and Mary travelled alone while going to our governess posts. I would have felt confidant travelling apart from constantly worrying about what I may face. What do I know of life? I have always been a girl raised in the same house, with the same people in my community. When I got into that carriage for the first time I was not scared because of myself, but because I had no knowledge of the world at all".
"Mmm" Rochester said in confirmation, "I understand that. I know that women, no matter if they wish for it or not, are not given the chance to experience life before they become wives and mothers. I used to talk to Jane about it when we first meet",
He looked beside himself at his wife,
"You are so full of life, Jane, and so full of curiosity for the world. I could not think of anyone who would enjoy travelling more than you perhaps would have".
"Well, thankfully I have you to live through" Jane said. She turned back to the rest of the group, "Now that I am married, and we have Henry, I do not find myself craving travel or experience in the world. You are so well read, Edward, it seems you can answer any question I have".
"I do not crave it either" Anne said definitively, "I'm not sure I ever would have liked it. But, I still think it is unfair that women who do wish for it cannot partake".
"In truth, Anne, I am not sure that the men of the world are ready for women entering their sphere and threatening to far outperform them in every way".
The women chuckled as Mr Eshton and Captain Franklin raised their glasses.
"Here here, Rochester".
. . . . . . . . .
Although she felt very tired throughout the day, Jane was completely alert that night from the moment she got into bed. Glancing at the clock frequently, time moved at an impossibly slow pace. Painfully slow, in fact. She watched the arm move from 12:45, to 1:00,to 1:30 with an increased sense of annoyance with each passing minute. Henry was not crying, and thus she should have been taking advantage of every spare moment of sleep she could get. Nothing concerned her, nothing was lingering in her mind to upset her, she just was not tired.
Edward had fallen asleep almost instantly, and even tonight the lullaby of his deep and steady breathing was not enough to entice her into sleep. Eventually, giving up on the notion that she would fall asleep if she lay still for long enough, Jane stood up and went to sit in the armchair by the fire. In the warm glow of the flame she was at least able to read. Wrapping blankets around herself, she opened the book on ancient Greece that she was intending to finish but in truth she did not get very far. Her mind quickly became occupied with other thoughts, and other concerns. She mulled over something Anne had told her earlier about a family in town who recently had to give up some of their children because they could not afford to care for them. She spoke of the mother crying, running after the carriage her babies were carried away on, and dropping to her knees when the carriage had turned out of sight. The story had deeply affected Jane, and her heart felt of lead while thinking about it. As a parent one loves their children with more of themselves than they ever could have imagined before. But so many parents, in spite of this insurmountable love, simply did not have the money to care for all their children in the way children need to be taken care of. How unfair this reality was. Even a man who worked around the clock, day after day, night after night, could be unable to provide the care necessary. Jane and Edward, blessed as they were with money, would never have to face such a reality, but so many others did.
Such thoughts were still on her mind as Edward stirred in bed. Jane could see he felt for her in his state between sleep and waking, and that he did not feel her. As he sat up she stood and walked over to the bed, climbing back inside beside him and easing him back onto the pillow. He murmured something sleepily and put his arm around his wife, drawing her close to him. Jane smiled as he kissed her forehead, resting his lips against where he had kissed her and falling back to sleep instantly.
Still time ticked on, and Jane was not able to sleep. It was now two, and she wondered if now she simply could not fall asleep because she had made herself believe that she would not. Not even Henry cried tonight to give her an excuse to get up and do something. So she lay in bed, looking at the wall dully.
. . .
When Edward woke the next morning he was confused to find his wife still asleep beside him. Almost religiously she woke him up every morning but today she slept soundly, in spite of the sunshine and noise within the house which infiltrated their room. Edward sat up, stretching as he reached for his pocket watch on the side table and saw that it was 7:50. He put the pocket watch back down and turned to look at his wife who lay on her back with her arm bent above her head, her palm upturned. Her soft curls fell around her face and from the look on her face one would think there was not a single problem in the whole of the world. Smiling to himself, Edward reached over and kissed her forehead before pulling back the sheets and climbing out of bed. He dressed as quietly as possible before returning and sitting down beside Jane. As much as he did not want to wake her there was a house of guests who would arrive downtown shortly for breakfast and she would want to be up and dressed in time for it.
"Jane" he said softly, but there was no response.
"Jane darling" he continued, shaking her arm lightly.
Stirring, she lazily rubbed her eyes and groaned. He leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to her neck
"No"
"No what?"
"Edward, I am so tired"
"Why? Do you feel alright?"
"Yes, but I did not sleep at all last night"
"Really?" he asked concernedly
She nodded, looking up into his face with no intent of complaining or pitying herself, but with a certain surrender to her situation.
"The last time I looked at the clock before I fell asleep it was three"
"Why did you not wake me?"
"There was noting to wake you for. Nothing was wrong, I just could not sleep. I do not know what was happening with me"
"Well, maybe you should go back to sleep now. I woke you so you would have time to dress before breakfast but you do not need to come down"
"What time is it?"
He reached for his pocket watch again.
"It is a little after eight"
"Time to get up then" she replied, throwing back the blankets and swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
Jane turned to smile at her husband, her eyes droopy and heavy. Edward reached over, taking her chin between his finger and thumb, and drew her towards his mouth. She leaned into him, kissing him back lovingly as he put his hand in the small of her back comfortingly. She broke the kiss, looking up into his face.
"Are you sure?"
"Mmm, I do not want to miss breakfast".
Jane kissed her husband's cheek before using his shoulder as a prop to stand up. She walked over to her closet and flicked through her dresses as Edward turned to look at her.
"What were you doing all night if you were not sleeping?"
"Nothing for the longest time. I got up for a little while to read by the fire but I didn't get much reading done in the end".
"Why? Caught up in your thoughts?"
"Mhm. Also my husband began to stir so I went back to bed".
Edward grinned slightly at her, opening a drawer of his side table and pulling a stack of letters from it and beginning to read.
Jane pulled a light pink dress from her closet, continuing to rub her eyes in an attempt to revive herself as she began to dress. She pulled her corset closed with some effort, much more than usual, and then slipped the dress over, glancing in the mirror at herself. She did look tired, perhaps even more tired than she felt. Sighing, she turned to walk towards the water basin so that she could bathe her puffy face but in catching sight of her husband in the mirror she turned and faced him.
"Edward?" she asked curiously.
"Yes, love"
"What if a couple does not want to have children? How would they prevent it from happening?"
Edward looked up from the letter in his hand smiling in a surprise at his wife.
"Why? Is there something you wish to tell me?"
"No, of course not" she said sitting on the bed beside him, "I was thinking over this last night as I was trying to read. I had never thought of it before because it never occurred to me that I would not want children, but if a woman did not want children, or if her husband did not, how would they go about that?"
"Well, there are measures that can be taken, though scientifically abstinence is the only method known to be entirely effective"
"What measures? Seeing as abstinence is not necessarily a desirable option" Jane asked, pulling up her skirt and rolling on her stocking as Edward responded.
"Well, if a man never releases himself into a women, she can never conceive children. There are also certain plants, it is said, which prevent a pregnancy if a woman takes them shortly after having sex though, again, I am not sure how how effective that truly is".
"Hm" Jane said thoughtfully, pulling off the stocking in realising it was the wrong one and standing to retrieve another pair.
"In certain places I travelled it was much more common for women to induce their own miscarriages once they had conceived rather than prevent a pregnancy from happening"
"How?"
"With certain small amounts of poison, by falling, by consuming certain poisonous plants, or other more crude ways like having a man who calls himself a doctor preform an operation".
"That is horrible" Jane said sadly, sitting back down beside her husband "It seems so dangerous"
"You hear such terrible stories, Jane. None of these methods are safe, and none of them even ensure the result these women are looking for. It is a tragic situation".
"You know" Jane reflected, "I also think of women who already have too many mouths to feed and cannot afford, in any sense of the word, to have more babies. It is a difficult situation that for her to be with her husband there is the possibility of a child every time".
"Here" Edward said moving his wife's tired, fumbling hands and lifting her leg onto his lap so he could put her stocking on instead. "It is terribly difficult. I recognise how lucky we are to never have to worry about such. We could fill this house with one hundred children and still afford to take care of them all".
"Mmm" Jane said thoughtfully, lowering the leg now dressed with a stocking and lifting the other onto her husband's lap.
"But we do not have to worry about such ourselves for some time. Women do not generally conceive until their child stops feeding, and even then it seems to take a while afterwards"
Jane nodded, watching Edward as he pulled up her stocking and kissed the inside of her thigh.
"I am not worried. I just cannot imagine having two young babies at one time"
"No, me neither. I value sleep, my sanity- yours too, for that matter".
Jane smiled as he lowered her skirt and moved off the bed. Gathering fresh courage she stood and took her husband's arm as they went to see Henry before breakfast.