Dear readers,
With everything happening in the world right now, I want to wish everyone much love. I know it has been a scary time, and people feel so much uncertainty, but I have seen so much good in the world recently too and part of that is how you all continue to read this story. I honestly enjoy writing so much and your support means everything to me.
With that said, stay healthy, stay well and I hope that this chapter, and those coming, can bring you some small measure of enjoyment.
Much love!
xoxo
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Jane woke up feeling more refreshed than she had in a long while. She had slept so solidly, without waking once, that she felt confused by the date and the time. Turning over to look at her husband she found his side of the bed to be cold and empty. Confused, she sat up, pulled back the blankets and stood. She did not need to look for him long, however, for her first guess of where he was was correct. In pushing opened the door of the nursery she found him and her son asleep on the couch, Edward's hand resting on Henry to hold him in place on his chest. Jane smiled to herself, her heart warming at the sight of her family before her. Crouching down before them, Jane kissed her son and smoothed the soft hair on top of his head before kissing her husband's forehead and running her hand along his cheek. When she did, he stirred so that she could lift Henry gently from his arms. Their baby sleepily yawned, cuddling into his mother as she kissed him good morning.
"Morning" Edward said, sitting up with some effort.
"Good morning darling" Jane said, kissing the top of his head "How long have you been in here?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure. Most of the night"
"It must have been a hard one then"
"No, it was not. My mind was full of thoughts of you".
Jane was caught off guard by his unexpected, loving words. Edward smiled at the unexpected blush which spread over his wife's cheeks and pulled her onto his lap, kissing her neck.
"My mind was turning with thoughts of how much I love you, and how much I have learned of loving you over the course of our marriage".
Jane put one arm around her husband's shoulder as she listened contentedly.
"And if we had more time, and if Henry did not require feeding, I should shred every item of clothing from you right now and have you here on this couch".
Jane looked at her husband, still at times embarrassed at the honest way he talked of his love for her. She told him as much as she unbuttoned the front of her nightdress and began to feed her son, relaxing back into her husbands embrace.
"Why? Have I not shown you adequately how you are absolutely everything to me?"
Jane smiled, "You know you have. But, at times I wonder how you can feel the love for me that I feel for you. It just seems so unlikely that two such people should find each other in this wide world. When you talk of wanting me in such a way it just reminds me how unlikely, but how real you and I are"
"Tell me how much you love me" he implored lowly,
Jane rested her face against his shoulder as she spoke.
"Every time you pass over my mind I feel a rush of emotion. I feel love, and hope and comfort and disbelief that one day all of this will pass away as some horrible false illusion. But then with the renewed sight of you all such fades away, because I know that with one wordless look you would reassure me of everything. For the love I feel, the wanting of you- always, the very beating on my heart in yours cannot be the things of illusion. And then I am soothed, and I see you and I can see nothing but you".
Edward kissed her neck sensually as she spoke, running his hand through her loose curls.
"Jane" he began in his lowest and most genuine tone, "I do not know how else to tell you the ways in which I love you, only that if I could live forever, and every dream I could imagine would come true, my memories of love would be, until the end of time, of you".
"I know" Jane said softly, emotion running through her voice as she received a kiss on her cheek. She touched her husbands face affectionately, looking at him before Henry squealed happily. Jane smiled down at him and handed him to his father,
"I must go change"
"No don't- stay"
"I must"
"Stay"
Jane stood and bent to kiss him deeply.
"I must". She kissed the top of Henry's head, "Your father is going to burp you"
Edward only grinned at his wife as she left the room and walked over to her own closet.
"So, is your intention to speak with Mary today?"
"Yes' Jane replied, flipping through the dresses hanging before her, "But I must catch her in a moment where speaking to her alone will not arouse suspicion. I do not want to embarrass her into telling others before she is ready".
"Well tell me if I can be of assistance in creating a diversion"
"I have no doubt you could do such with ease"
"I heard that guilty smile Jane"
Stopping at a simple brown dress with small pink flowers on it, Jane slipped off her nightdress and stood in front of the mirror, intending to change quickly. As she tried to do up the back of her dress, however, she realised how tight it was. Peeling the dress back down she smoothed her hand over her stomach, thinking that it must have been bigger. Her mind instantly flashed to pregnancy, but she quickly realised such would be impossible. She did not feel pregnant, nor with Henry so young could she even be pregnant. Last time she had known instantly, but this was not the same feeling. In fact, the last time she was pregnant she had had an overwhelming amount of feeling to assure her of it. Turning on the spot, Jane walked back into the nursery and stood before her husband with her dress hanging around her waist. Edward looked up at her when she entered.
"Could you help me, please?"
"Mm, come here" he said, laying Henry in his crib and standing to help his wife.
Jane stood as straight as she could, but Edward, like herself, struggled.
"Well, Jane, I am apparently much better at removing your clothes than helping you put them on-"
But with one last tug, Edward managed to finally close it. Jane put her hand on her waist in turning around to face him, sighing in amusement.
"Goodness, what a production".
"Well you look beautiful in it, regardless" Edward said kindly, "Though if you are uncomfortable in it you should wear something else".
"Do you think I have put on weight?" Jane asked, turning to her side.
"If you have, I did not notice. Does it matter?"
"No, not in the slightest. I was only wondering"
"Well as I said-" he commented, putting his hands on her waist and kissing her fleetingly on the cheek as he moved towards the door, "You look lovely but I must dress too".
Jane smoothed her stomach absentmindedly in thought before Edward called out from the other room
"You may have to try again with Henry, love, I am not sure that I managed much with him".
Jane picked Henry up from his crib and held him in her arms, patting him on the back as she bounced him up at down. Nothing happened for quite some time, however- he only smiled happily in her arms.
"You must have Edward, he seems content"
But at that moment Henry burped his milk all over Jane's shoulder and arm. Pulling him back from her shoulder, Jane thought he had a rather guilty look on his face.
"I spoke too soon" she said kissing his cheek briefly before bringing him into their room and laying him on the bed.
"What is it?" Edward asked before seeing the arm of Jane's dark dress covered in his spit,
"Henry, you have covered your mother, and that dress was not easy to get on this morning either".
She grinned as she grabbed a washcloth from the dressing stand and whetted it. Edward turned, now fully dressed himself, and took it from her.
"I'll look after him, you change"
"Thank you" Jane said, making note of the time as she flicked through the closet for a second dress.
. . .
Downstairs, Henry's parented tried to get him to eat some solid food instead of just breast milk. He liked certain berries, and certain foods mashed up such as carrot, but this morning they were trying him for the first time with apples which had been brought in from storage.
"Okay" Edward was saying, trying to cut the pieces of apple small enough so that he could not choke, "Try this"
Henry pouted and threw his head from side to side in his high chair.
"Come on, just try a little bit" Edward said, holding the apple close to his lips, but Henry was no more encouraged to eat it than he would be one of his wooden blocks.
"Look, your mother will eat it" he continued, feeding the piece of apple to his wife.
"Mmm" Jane said enthusiastically, "It is so good".
Henry smiled and shook his hands excitedly.
"I think she wants more"
"Mmm" Jane said, eating another bite.
"Okay, how about you try?" she asked, taking a piece of apple from her husband and feeding it to Henry. Once he tasted it, he smiled brightly and began reaching for more.
"Good boy!" Jane smiled as Edward fed him more.
"There you go" Edward said, "Well done Henry".
At that moment, Captain Franklin and Eshton rounded the corner talking happily.
"Good morning Ms Rochester, Mr Rochester" Eshton said, sitting down on the other side of the table, "How are the young parents this morning".
"No worse for wear"
Jane smiled, "How did you sleep?"
"Oh excellent"
"Yes" Franklin said, "I feel very easy here. I could have slept all day long"
"I know the feeling" Edward said, "Jane woke me up this morning on the couch in Henry's nursery".
"Truthfully?" Eshton said, looking weary, "God, I hope that will not be me when Anne gives birth. I am afraid I need my sleep or I become rather cross".
Edward laughed,
"You should anticipate less sleep than you are used to. That- or a very frustrated wife".
"Well, we will be having a nanny" Eshton said, "Neither I or Anne can deal with the demands of a child as you two have, of that I am sure".
Jane smiled kindly,
"Of course you could. But it is hard, and so if having a nanny relieves some of the stress of this big life change, I think it a very good thing".
Jane secretly agreed with Eshton in a sense. She was not sure that either Eshton or Anne could take care of a child without burning out and becoming quite defeated. If Jane was not married to such a strong partner, who loved her enough to be fair with her, it would have been the same for her. Having a baby and raising them as your required much emotional strength, even on the days when it felt like there was nothing more that you could give, and Jane could recognise how difficult that was. Neither Anne or her husband had grown up around children, nor did they have any experience of children. Their world included nannies, governesses, and the help of many people to raise children. If having a nanny made that process easier for Anne and Eshton for their first child, such was a positive thing.
At that moment Anne and Diana rounded the corner,
"Good morning" Edward said, all of the men standing to greet the women entering the room.
"Good morning" Diana said happily, "Jane, Mary is up in her bedroom with a headache. Do you have anything she could take for it?"
"Of course" she replied, "I will go and bring it to her"
"That is okay, I can bring it up to her if I know where to look", Diana offered,
"That is kind Diana, but I do not mind and breakfast will be served any minute".
"Very well" she said sitting down, "I am quite hungry"
"Jane, darling, do you know where the medicine case is upstairs since it was moved?"
"Yes, I'll be back in a minute. Excuse me, please"
And with that she departed for Mary's room.
. . .
Mary was sitting on the edge of her bed, her head hung low and her arms seeming to be the only thing tethering her to the mattress. If it was not so necessary to talk to her Jane would have given her the medicine, turned around, and left her on her own. Still, what she had to say was important as Father Andrew could return at any moment with his proposition, and Mary deserved to know what he had said before committing to anything.
"Oh Jane" she said, looking up when she entered, "I am so sorry. You must be wishing to start breakfast and I am holding you up"
"Of course not, Mary. I can see you are not feeling well. Here- I've brought you some medicine"
Jane handed her a class of water along with some darkly coloured fluid,
"The doctor left it here for us the last time Edward was sick, seeing as he did not deal with his illness well. I believe it works well but it is rather bitter and will probably make you tired, so there is no need to feel rushed in coming down to breakfast".
"Thank you Jane" Mary said, "I appreciate it"
"Of course!"
"I felt well, or at least I did when I woke up. Now I have a very bad headache"
"I remember having those at times when Henry was first born. Stress and a lack of sleep made me rather prone to them"
Mary smiled in understanding,
"Me too. But I am sure this will help me a great deal".
She drank the dark liquid and then took great sips of water to wash it down before turning back to her friend.
"So how was your day yesterday? I did not get a chance to speak with you when we returned home. Did you feel better after staying home?"
"I did" Jane said, "Well, for a little while I did"
"Oh really? Why? I hope the boys were not too much for you"
"No, of course not. I love being with them", but Jane stopped herself before continuing. She sighed and looked to her cousin with as much honesty as she could muster.
"Mary, I need to speak with you about something that happened yesterday afternoon. I am quite reluctant to say anything as, in a way, the news I have is not mine to share. But as my friend I cannot let it go unsaid"
"You look very concerned, Jane"
"I am. But I wish to only be honest with you. Yesterday, Father Andrew came here during the afternoon while you were gone and expressed a wish to propose marriage to you"
"Oh" Mary said, stunned to a point of complete silence. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again as quickly, looking down at the floor.
"What did he say?"
"He told me that after much consideration he had decided he wished to take on you and your son on as he believed it was part of his mission from God to be brought here to care for you both".
"I see" she said slowly, not lifting her gaze.
Mary was quiet for a very long time, so long that Jane did not feel as if she could say anything, for she did not know what thoughts would comfort Mary's clearly turning mind. When she finally did speak, Jane was relieved to find her voice steady and calm.
"I do not know what to say. I do not know what to think. At one time, such news would have been the happiest of my life, but now it is not"
"Really? But I know how fond you are of him".
"Do you remember when he first left, Jane, and I felt very sad and angry because I thought if only Daniel had been his son, Father Andrew would have forgiven me? You told me never to assume I needed to be forgiven, and not to accept the sympathy of anyone who thought I needed forgiveness. I did not believe you at the time because I could not believe such for myself. But now, I do not feel the same thing anymore. Daniel is my son, and he will be with me forever. I believe you told me such because you knew that I could not marry someone and constantly question if he thought ill of me because of Daniel".
She sighed deeply, closing her eyes,
"Jane, I could not look into his face every morning and wonder if he loved me as much as he could have had I not had a child that was not his. As it is now, I am comfortable, well taken cared for, and mostly very happy. Who would I be to throw away such abundance when I am not in need of his charity?".
"No Mary. You will never need his, or any other mans charity because you are worthy of much more than that. Father Andrew's love for you did not stop him worrying of what others would say, and that cannot be enough to marry. But I must admit that you seem more resolved to your decision than I anticipated you would be"
"Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking on my own recently. I think I loved the idea of who Father Andrew could be to me, but I cannot let that blind me to the truth of who he actually is".
"Me too, for I must admit that I also liked him. I thought you two a very good match for one another. But like you, the truth of his behaviour recently has revealed a different side to him that I cannot welcome into our lives. I am just so angry that he thought he would be doing you such a service by returning to your life and offering you something you could not refuse. He ended his friendship with all of us abruptly, but in ending what was between yourself and him, he truly did show more of himself than any of us ever saw".
"You are right, of course you are" Mary said, "And now that my mind is made up I simply do not want to face him. I know that he will protest, and fight for me to see his perspective, and although I have no intention of complying with what he wants, I do not wish to see him beg either. Jane, could I not just turn him away?".
"Well, you could" Jane said compassionately, "but I am sure that if he believes he even has the smallest chance of winning back your affection, he will not rest. I cannot help feeling that Father Andrew will not like his feelings being made into a mockery by your refusal. At least by speaking to him face to face, he will hear and see your intention clearly"
Mary nodded solemnly and Jane reached for her hand.
"I promise you, Edward will not allow him to stay longer than necessary".
"So he knows?"
"He does. I am sorry, but he could tell I was upset yesterday and-"
"No, no, of course I do not mind if he knows. If anything I am glad he does. As you say I would like someone to be around in case he does linger, when the time comes. Does anyone else know?"
"No"
"I will tell the girls after breakfast, or after I speak with him- I shall have to decide soon"
"Of course, but take all the time you need to. I just wanted you to know before hearing anything from him that you have the support of myself and my husband, and I am sure every other person in this home. You will never be alone".
"Thank you Jane" she said, reaching over and pulling her cousin into a tight hug. "I do not know what I would do without you. You are so wise, and so loving that I could never feel alone so long as you lived".
She paused, looking tearful for the first time,
"I will never forgot the way that Mr Rochester took me from that house I was living in, how he shed no judgement upon me for my situation, but was only concerned for me. I am sure, Jane, that you both saved my life that day. Surely I would have withered up and wasted away if left there any longer".
"I know' Jane said gravely, "I am only angry with myself that we did not come to investigate sooner. I wish I had been there to meet you that day, but Henry was only an infant and-"
"No. I am glad you did not see me in such a place" Mary said definitively, "Imagine, Jane, what my brother would have said".
Her voice broke and Jane shook her head as she placed her hand on her shoulder.
"St John is a very long way away, Mary. But like the rest of us I know that he would have been extremely sorry".
"Jane-" she said, seeming to think of something that induced panic within her, "Does St John know of Daniel?"
"No" she said reassuringly, "He does not. None of us felt it was our place to write him".
"I am glad. St John would surely judge me, of that I am sure, and I could not live with such judgement from him. I have long since accepted that such was not my fault- that I did nothing to provoke such violence, but I am not sure he would believe such. As you say, he is far away and even though I love him, he does not need to know this".
Jane nodded as Mary yawned sleepily,
"I think you are right. That medicine is making me feel tired".
"Then I will leave you to rest for a while. Shall I have the kitchen save you a plate of breakfast?"
"No thank you. I believe I shall not be down before lunch"
"Very well" Jane smiled, "Rest well then, and I hope you feel better when you wake".
Mary nodded and pulled up her covers as Jane left the room. As she began walking away from the door she thought she heard a faint, "Thank you", but was too far down the corridor to know for certain.
. . .
When breakfast had ended Jane and Edward departed for a walk with Henry to gain some relative privacy from their busy home. The Eshton's and the Franklin's had gone into the sitting room to play cards and had not found it strange the Rochester's chose to walk instead, which was good given that Edward was anxious to hear what Mary had said and if someone else had come along discussing such would have been impossible. Jane walked close to him as she relayed all that was spoken between herself and Mary, her arm interlocked with her husbands as he pushed Henry's pram along the gravel path of he void, sleeping garden.
"And so she intends to speak with him and to end the matter as quietly as possible when he does come- if he comes".
Edward tensed at his wife's words. He turned to Jane and shook his head.
"I do not want him returning to this house"
"But Edward, she must refuse him-"
"Locking the door and bolting him out is a refusal"
"But if he believes he has a chance with her then he will not leave her be"
"I do not care. If he is not allowed inside this house she will return to Franklin's house never to see him again"
"Until she returns to this house for the next holiday"
"We cannot anticipate so far into the future, Jane"
"And her future cannot be left so uncertain on account of us"
"Bolting the door is not uncertain"
Jane paused thoughtfully.
"Edward, imagine what such would be like for Mary. She could never gain any closure if you do not allow her a chance to confront the man who has brought her so many mixed emotions over these past months. It would always be an unresolved chapter of a book she could not close, and such is unfair".
"I understand that, Jane but as your husband I must also take into account the way he upset you. There was a way to come here and offer a proposal of marriage to Mary without hurting you. He knew that and chose to act another way. He hurt you because he was angry at you and I cannot forgive such".
"I know, but this is not about me"
"No, but think of the way he treats all women. Look at the way he has treated Mary! He made her feel loved and now he has made her feel like she is a spoiled, wasted woman with nothing to offer a man"
"This is not about him either. This is about Mary, and her having closure from Father Andrew so that she can move on in life. She must have a safe place for such to transpire, Edward".
He stopped walking and sighed heavily, his breath visible on the morning air as he looked to the trees.
"No, you are right. She must be in a place where she is safe to do whatever she feels necessary".
Jane squeezed his arm and Edward reached over to kiss her forehead.
"The thought of having you here at his arrival has already given Mary much comfort. I think she finds you a great stabilising force in her life".
"Well, I hope to whatever small degree I might be helpful to her, I can be. That poor girl has known nothing but hardship these past months".
Jane nodded, looking at him admirably as she considered every ounce of his immense compassion.
"I am so incredibly lucky to have you- to be able to share everything with you".
He looked down at her, the words which felt shallow in comparison to her feelings penetrating him deeply. He smiled briefly before stopping their walk and drawing her into a deep kiss that ended in low, honest words of love. He kissed behind her ear in the soft place that made her feel weak at the knees before smoothing her cheek with his thumb.
"Are you cold, Jane?"
"Just a little".
"Come, let us return to the house then".
As they walked, Edward removed his scarf and put it around his wife's neck. She did not object, for she knew there was no point.
"So, when did Father Andrew say he would return?"
"He did not say specifically, though he seemed set upon it when he left. I should think either today or tomorrow at the latest".
"Well, Jane, I cannot lie and say I would be happy if Mary chose Father Andrew. After all he has done, and after the terrible ways he has acted I am not sure I could have accepted him as a brother in law. I will be glad to see the back of him and never have to interact with him again".
"But he will still be the priest here?"
"I am willing to bet that he will be out of here and headed to London to marry Eliza Spencer the moment Mary refuses him in order to rebuke any claim made that he was rejected by another woman. I think then he will be truly out of our lives".
They rounded the corner of the garden so that the front drive of their house came into view. At the front of the house was a carriage and as they approached Jane saw Father step down from inside.