Hello all,

Thank you, thank you, for all the amazing support I received on the last chapter. My heart is so full, and so inspired. I hope you like this chapter as much as I do!

I hope you are all safe and happy, and more to come soon!

xoxo

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Edward had been right. The gardens looked particularly lovely in the last glowing hues of the winter afternoon. The light, which came seemingly from all directions, fell freely through the empty trees so that everything was equally illuminated in a way it would not be in summer when leaf-covered branches shaded so much of the ground beneath. The majority of the snow which had fallen was now melted, leaving the earth with its dead leaves, sticks, and fallen branches mostly visible. Still, the air was as crisp and cold as it would be during a winter storm. The afternoon was still and felt the way that winter often did, that the cold and frost would be eternal and the flowers of spring and the sun of summer were just distant memories.

The vivid clarity of the world around her made Jane feel tethered to the present moment. She walked slowly with her husband, realising that they were not moving in any particular direction nor towards any specific destination. Although it was silent between them for a long time, Jane was not uncomfortable. The assurance of an explanation kept her from pressing Edward for answers. It was enough that he had made her a promise. The only sound that could be heard was their footsteps crunching against the cold earth until Edward's voice broke the silence. When he spoke, his tone took Jane by surprise. It was assured yet filled with so many emotions that she could not make out which one dominated him.

"I am afraid I do not know myself at present, though I know enough to say that I am quite ashamed of my actions towards you" he started, and it was another moment before he could proceed. "I am not the kind of man who is a stranger to his thoughts and feelings, but these past few days I have felt things I have never experienced before and processing them has taken me outside of myself. I am very sorry that your feelings, which are more precious to me than my own, have been hurt while I have tried to make sense of myself".

Jane held his arm still tighter, looking at him meaningfully.

They turned out of the well cared for part of the garden and instead entered the grove of trees behind their home which in summer could have been the inspiration for the illustrations in any book of fairytales. This change in direction away from the enclosed garden into this seemingly endless nature indicated that they would be talking for some time. The thought was comforting.

"Jane, when John passed away I found myself deeply affected. In fact, I was more saddened by his loss than I have ever been at the loss of another person- more than even my own father or my brother. I cannot tell you the profound effect this realisation had on me".

"John knew you from childhood" Jane supplied quickly, "He knew you better than either your father or brother did. It is only natural that his death affected you in such a way".

"Yes" he agreed, "But I only wish that was it. I could have coped with such"

He sighed and softly continued.

"When you left for your walk Henry woke up almost immediately. I went to get him and sat in the window seat so that I would not fall back asleep. I remember feeling very relaxed and happy. Looking into Henry's face, knowing we have another child on the way, I did what I often do when I am alone- I thought about how grateful I am for what I have been given. I am not sure whether I can describe the feeling, but it is one I have known well since our marriage. Looking out over the world, seeing the sun pour life into the fields and trees I could not help but feel in my own private moment that I could be anywhere in the world, with any person, doing anything, and I would not be as happy as I was then. Shortly after, Michael ran in to tell me that John had collapsed downstairs. I had the doctor sent for immediately and went downstairs where John had been placed on one of the servant boys' beds. I could tell instantly how unwell he was. He was pale and weak, but still breathing rasping guttural breaths. I am not sure that image will ever leave my mind" he said, his voice trailing away weakly.

Jane rubbed his arm, not able to take her eyes off of his face.

"When the doctor arrived it was clear that there was nothing to be done. Leah was brought in to sit with him and the doctor remained with her. I took my leave, understanding that when next someone left the room it would be to tell that he was gone. And it was. The doctor came out to inform me that he had passed. At once grief flooded me. I was not sure that John ever knew the impact he had on me. That was a mistake I will carry forever. I am still not sure whether or not he knew that I looked up to him in a way that I never could look up to my father or brother. I am not sure if, in spite of the part of my life of which I am not proud, he knew that I always appreciated his lack of judgement. At this uncertainty I felt a horrible strangling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted you instantly. I wanted to talk to you, to make sense of my feelings through you. I retreated back to our bedroom, laid Henry in his crib, and looked out the window in the hopes of seeing you returning-".

Jane watched as he brought the palm of her hand to his mouth. He kissed her quickly before putting her hand once again on his arm. The action seemed to comfort him.

"I am sorry" Jane said, so softly she was not sure he had heard, "I am sorry I was not there for you".

He shook his head.

"No. Please don't".

Silence fell between them again and Jane waited patiently.

"Looking out of our bedroom window and knowing that I could not see you anywhere caused the grief inside of me to begin twisting and distorting everything good I have ever known. Ugly thoughts consumed me. My mind flipped horribly to the possibility of you being the one who was gone. For a split second the vision of what my life would be without you blinded my sense and I was paralysed with the possibility. If I felt this grief at the death of John, how could I imagine, let alone live through the grief of losing you".

Jane's heart stopped and a lump formed in her throat.

"Then you returned" he continued simply, "And I could not look at you, for I no longer felt that I could comfort myself by loving you. Although the moment of panic had passed the fear of it returning had not. Stupidly, blindly, I thought pulling away from you would protect me from hurt- and though I was not foolish enough to believe that I could unlove you, I wondered if loving you less would mean I would grieve you less if something happened to you. And then I hated myself for thinking such, and all of my grief turned to bitterness. How could I have imagined doing that to you?".

Jane turned on her husband, stopping them in their tracks. She felt her eyes burn as she lay her hand against her husband's cheek. She felt her lip quiver but was determined to speak clearly. When she looked into his face, however, she realised that words could wait. At this moment they would be insufficient. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck, stepping on her tiptoes to hug him tightly, savouring the feel of him. Only an instant of time passed before she felt his arms enclose her equally close. She smoothed his hair and felt him shake with the emotion which he had been repressing. There were no sobs and no tears, yet his profound sadness moved her beyond expression.

"I have known grief in my life, so I know the fear which consumed you" she started, drawing back to look into his face. "Before I met you I had lost the only person in my world that I had ever cared for. Her loss had taught me the pain of grief, which stayed with me in the cold and dark Lowood school and beyond. Because of this, I realised the moment I began loving you how much that pain would be intensified if something were to happen to you. Such emotion was inconceivable to me- is inconceivable to me. And yet I must live accepting it, for I am in love with you, and I cannot stop loving you".

She breathed deeply, brushing her thumb across his cheekbone. This was the hardest test yet of containing her tears.

"Happiness and grief are not opposites of human experience. They are both equal consequences of choosing to love another person".

"Mmm" he breathed softly after a time, some realisation moving gently over his face.

"And.." she started again slowly, "I am aware that in the end, I will very likely be left without you- not the other way around. Even if we are both granted long, happy lives you are still nearly twenty years my senior. If you are given the longest life possible I will still be forced to live without you, and I know when that moment of separation comes my heart will be shattered forever".

Emotion choked her, but this was battling an old foe. The idea had crossed her mind many times before which made it easier to combat the feelings clawing at her now, seducing her to fall into frightening thoughts.

"But you, Edward Rochester. You are all there is for me. What am I to do? You are the centre of my world. You are the beginning and end of all I think and plan. I could not live without your love, no matter how long we had together. If I must take the possibility of grief to experience your love, I accept it wholeheartedly".

He looked at her for a long moment, a range of emotions moving across his face. Before she was drawn to him, his lips kissing the top of her head and holding her against him, she thought she saw the smallest fragment of pride flick across his face. She had not noticed until that moment how much her feelings had needed to be shared. Of course Edward had known what she feared, or could have easily guessed them, but there was something about saying them to his face that made her heart burn now with relief. His hand cradled the back of her head protectively, and he drew her face back to look at him.

"I had not realised it" he said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "But I am a fool for not realising you would know exactly what I felt"

"No, not in this circumstance. Grief sits very differently inside of different people"

"All the same" he contradicted, "I made you a promise that I broke. I promised you I would never keep anything from you".

But Jane only shook her head.

"You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. I was only upset that you told me all was well when it was not. I may not always have an answer for you, or a solution to offer, but I want to be there for you always".

"You are" he assured seriously, "That is something that I have never been unsure of".

Jane looked down at the ground but her husband raised her chin so that she was looking up into his face.

"I love you" he said, and his lips were instantly on hers. With one hand on her face and the other in the small of her back, he secured her against him, leaving her feeling lightheaded with the rush of sensation. She heard a small moan of relief escape her lips but she was too distracted to care. When they broke apart she looked at him intently.

"I love you ".

For the first time his face softened. He pecked her lips again.

"You make me feel as if everything in the world is right".

She blushed under his words,

"Everything in my world is right- more than right. And you are at the center of the reason why".

He smiled a genuine small smile before kissing her nose and forehead. He drew back, sighing.

"You are cold, my darling. I'm sorry. I have kept you out of doors too long"

"I am freezing" Jane admitted, honestly not noticing until he had mentioned it.

"Then come, I shall take you home".

He wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in his warmth.

"Thank you" he said, kissing her forehead, infinite love contained in the action. "I will never know why I, with all my flaws, was given you. Not only as a wife, or a comforter, but as a friend".

Jane smiled before her face turned serious. He took his own scarf off of himself and wrapped it around her before tugging her gently in the direction of the house. The scarf now around her neck smelled of him, the unique and intoxicating aroma would be recogniseable to her anywhere. She clung close to her husband, knowing this comforted him as much as herself.

"Jane" he said suddenly, something pressing stopping him in his tracks. "I must tell you this now, and I promise I shall only ever say it to you once. You said at the moment of our final separation your heart will be shattered, and I in all humility know that this will be true. But I need you to know in case I am taken from you sooner than either of us suspect that I cannot think of you ever existing in a world where your heart is in pieces. If God takes me from you, then I want your happiness more than anything else, even if that means remarrying and creating a new life for yourself where you must forget me".

"I know" Jane said, moved by his selfless heart "But I can assure you of this, for time or circumstance will not change my feelings. You are the love of my life. You are the only love I will ever know. I could never look at another living being as I look at you. I have tried. I tried when I thought you and I could never be and it was impossible. You are the only person I could ever give my love to. And if indeed we are separated then I shall wait until we are reunited, and keep my love until then".

He drew her to his mouth again before his lips slid to her forehead.

"I just needed you to know" he said softly.

Jane would have responded but her husband bit his lip and smiled lazily, tugging her gently again.

"Come. I need to get you home right away".

. . . . .

Jane woke the next morning slowly, savouring the feeling of her body which was heavy as lead and just as immovable. She stretched ever so slightly, not having the energy to extend her body past the point which proved how little she had moved in the night. She was stiff, one side of her body tingling and coming back to life as she relaxed into a different position. The bed was the perfect temperature, not too warm and not in any way uncomfortable. Even the minimal amount she had moved had allowed a rush of cold air under the blankets, making her aware of how perfectly content she felt. She would not open her eyes- not yet. She had experienced quite a tiring night, and had not managed to sleep until quite late. Surely a few more minutes would do no one any harm.

She did not know if one minute, one hour, or one day had passed when she was next aware of her surroundings. A comforting feeling spread over her as her husband pulled her into the present with feather light touches. His hand felt large and warm over her back as his fingers grazed her skin. She was not sure at first whether it was dream or reality, but suddenly she felt his lips drag softly across her neck and there could be no doubt. Her eyes fluttered opened and she smiled sleepily at her husband, but instantly she could see that his face was too serious. He was surveying her and Jane realised that his touch was more curious then it had been soothing.

"Edward?"

Wordlessly, he pulled back the blanket she was laying under.

Jane looked down at herself and could not help the surprised gasp which escaped from her lips. There was a collection of shadowy bruises covering the skin, on her breasts and stomach, with one particularly distinct bruise in the shape of fingers on her thigh. She ran her finger over them gingerly but they did not hurt. In truth she felt quite like herself, if not a little stiff. Perhaps the heavy feeling in her bones had been in fact due to more than simply sleeping in one position all night.

"Well, they look much worse than they feel"

Edward looked into her face, ignoring her comment.

"Jane, you look as if you have just come out of a boxing match"

"Mmm, and clearly the loser"

He looked perplexed.

"Was I this rough with you?"

"No," Jane said quickly, telling the honest truth. "I felt not an ounce of pain last night. Quite the opposite, in fact".

He kissed her lips automatically when she leaned forward but it was too distracted and quick to be satisfying. Jane smiled, however, and turned on stomach. His eyes widening, Edward ran his hand over where there were more bruises, these a little darker and pronounced.

"Now those" he said, turning Jane onto her back again, "- I might have suspected".

Jane grinned to herself and closed her eyes.

"Goodness Mr Rochester. Perhaps you should apologise to me more often".

But he was still too consumed with his own thoughts to respond. He bent his head and kissed certain places on the base of her neck which no doubt were also bruised, though she could not see for herself. When his head resurfaced, Edward ran his finger over his wife's lips and drew her to him, kissing her with painful gentleness.

"I am so sorry sweetheart".

"You do not have anything to apologise for"

"Jane, look" he said, turning over her arm. Another hand-like bruise, though this one was very light. She pulled her arm back.

"Do you remember the last time I was pregnant? The smallest thing would cause me to bruise. I imagine it is simply the same this time around".

"Mmm" he said, not sounding completely convinced.

Jane sighed and pulled the blankets up to her chin, looking seriously at her husband.

"I was having an absolutely wonderful morning until you began poking and prodding at every inch of my body. I would like to rest for a little bit longer, if you do not mind".

He nodded, smiling to himself.

Jane turned her back to him and could not help but smile to herself as he wrapped his arms around her again.

"Tell me" he said in her ear, his voice sounding alluring in its soft musicality, "Why was your morning so wonderful?"

"I feel very good" Jane replied honestly, "Tired from last night but perfectly warm and comfortable in your arms"

"Mmm, good" he replied, kissing her cheek, "Because in a few minutes I am sure our son will be awake. He was crying at four o'clock"

"This morning?" Jane asked in surprise, "But I did not hear him"

"I know" he said, his voice sounding amused, "You were quite incapacitated".

Jane took a deep breath.

"It does not signify, for I am very eager to see him".

She rolled onto her back again and looked up into the face of her loving husband. He smoothed her hair, his eyes warm and full of feeling.

"Darling, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that we are going to have another child in just a few months"

"I know" Jane whispered, "I still cannot believe it. We must not be intimate with each other for at least two years after this child is born".

Edward chuckled, burying his face in his wife's hair.

"I am not sure I can agree to such" he said, "Though I wholeheartedly agree no more children for a little while after these two. We cannot be outnumbered so quickly".

Jane laughed once, smiling as her husband bent his head to kiss her.

"How many children will we have?"

"As many as you want" he replied simply.

Jane thought for a moment, pondering what she did want.

"You know, when Henry was younger I was so tired all the time. I was tired of only sleeping for half an hour at a time, I was tired of constantly worrying about his well being, I was tired of trying to be a perfect mother and wife and mistress to this house"

"But now?"

"Now," she continued, "I feel like I have become rather balanced, as if I have worked things out, if only temporarily. I feel as if I could have twenty children in this home and love and cherish every second of it".

"Mmm" he said thoughtfully, "At first I felt so inadequate to care for him. Now it is so routine, yet so rewarding. I love him far more than I could have imagined possible. There are simply no words".

"You are a wonderful father" Jane said, truth and honesty brimming in her voice. "The most wonderful father that any child has ever known. I should remind you more often".

"I am not perfect"

"No" Jane agreed, "But you were far wiser than I was, for you already knew that neither you or I could be perfect parents. Because you accepted this, you moved past difficulties much easier than I did at first. You had perspective. I envy you that".

"You need not. You have been, as far as I am concerned, the best mother, the best wife, and the best person I have ever known".

Jane ran her fingers through his hair, thanking him silently. Edward moved over her, tracing his hand up and down her leg so that her mind went void of everything else.

"How was your tea yesterday?" he asked, not seeming to realise how distracting Jane found his tracing fingers to be.

"Very nice. Anne greatly raised my spirits".

Edward's face darkened,

"I was unspeakably unkind to you yesterday as you left. I am sorry for that too"

"I know" Jane assured, stroking his hair.

He kissed her collarbone, prompting her to continue.

"The next time I see Anne I am sure it will be after the baby's birth. She was so large she could barely sit in her chair"

"And is she excited?"

"Mmm, very. She is positive that it will be a boy"

"Or hopes" Edward said wisely, "I know Eshton wishes to have an heir very much"

"I know. But either way there is time. They are both young. If having a son is so important, and this baby turns out to be a girl, they will have the time to try again".

"Indeed" Edward said, "Did Anne tell you they were fighting over names?"

Jane smiled,

"She mentioned something about it"

"Well, Eshton also wants a son badly because he hates the name Anne has chosen if the child is a girl".

Jane smiled, raising her eyebrow.

"Anne told me Eshton is simply stuck on family tradition and does not like her choice"

Edward laughed,

"Eshton has no tradition to speak of. No, he simply hates the name"

Jane grinned.

"I think it is rather suiting, for them at least. We shall see, I suppose".

"Speaking of names" Edward continued, "What about our child?"

Jane shook her head,

"I shall have to think on it, as I know you will"

Edward laughed,

"That we will".