It's been a few days trying to get back to his life. He meant each word. She could always come to him. But she didn't. A part of him wished she would. A part of him wished she wouldn't. He saw Eloise at breakfast this morning but he couldn't bring himself to talk to her. She knew. All of this time she knew and she didn't tell him. He was writing in his journal like a mad man lately. And it helped somehow. It helped to understand his own feelings.

One night he decided to take a walk late in the garden. Some fresh air wouldn't hurt. When he saw Eloise and Benedick sitting on the swings smoking. At first, he wanted to turn around and walk back, but something kept him walking in their direction.

"What a scene I'm witnessing, my dear family members." He said standing behind them.

As they both turned around in shock, Benedick spoke. "Do not tell our mother."

"I won't, don't worry." Colin laughed at them. "Do you have another one?"

"I wouldn't think you are a smoker, brother." Benedick said as he reached out and gave him one of his cigarettes, as Eloise looked at both of them in disbelieve.

"Everybody has their own secrets. It's not our place to tell." Eloise said. Colin knew exactly what she meant. She was talking about Pen.

The three of them shared some light conversations with jokes. Light atmosphere appeared for everyone of them. And just as both Colin and Eloise were able to release that intense feeling inside of them, Benedict asked. "So, what's going on between you and Penelope? I haven't seen you two together lately."

"Um… we've been just busy, brother. Nothing out of ordinary." Colin answered, finishing his smoke. "Will you excuse me and Eloise?" He looked first at El as she held her breath and then at Benedict. "We have something to discuss."

"Oh, yeah, right, sure." Suddenly Benedict felt like a third wheel. Saying that, he left, but not without one last glace at two of them.

"Colin…"

"Did you…"

They started talking at the same time, after Benedict was far away to not hear a thing. Colin sat on the other swing and turned to Eloise, as she waited at him to go first.

"Did you forgive her?" He asked suddenly.

"I want to." Eloise looked up at the stars. "Did you?"

"I am trying." He said, looking down. "Unexpectedly I am not mad at her for being Lady Whistledown. I simply can't understand she didn't tell me but she told you."

"She told no one. I found out on my own."

"How could she write all of those things about you… I thought you were best friends." He said looking at Eloise now, as she looked up at him.

"Now I see she was right. She opened my eyes in a way she couldn't, even when she was telling me that to my face." Eloise said exhaling a deep breath. "Sometimes it can be harsh but refreshing to read something like that about yourself."

"She almost ruined your debut!" Colin raised his voice but in a caring way.

"Or she might saved me from something much worse." Eloise chuckled. "Her words might cut deep, but this season she is holding back, I would say."

"Remember what she wrote about me in the beginning of this season?" Colin asked.

"Wasn't she right though?" Eloise asked, as she got up. "You returned different, even I didn't like that change, brother. Ever since that issue you've been more yourself than ever before."

"Maybe you're right." He answered, thinking… Was it indeed that article that brought him back, or was it something else?

"Do you truly love her?" Eloise asked. What a complicated and at the same time simple question.

"I do love her. But…" He looked up looking at Eloise. "But I am not sure I know her truly."

"She is still the same person, Colin." El said.

"I can only hope so." His glance vanished somewhere, deep in thoughts. Was it indeed true? He loved her, but he was so confused about everything that happened lately. Even though writing helped him, there was still something inside of him keeping him from talking to Penelope even. It felt hard to even thinking about talking to her. But as soon as his thoughts came back to that night, they shared he could not stop thinking how great it felt simply laying near her body in the middle of the night. Knowing she was all his.

"So, are we good? Are you not…" Eloise started, as Colin looked back at her and got up.

"We're good, Eloise. I am sorry for overreacting back then. It wasn't my intension to be this rude." He apologized. Truly. Sincerely. He truly meant it. Everything just happened so quickly…

"You had every right to be. But I am glad, we're good." Eloise said in the end and wishing him a good night walked away, leaving him on the swings, swaying alone with his thoughts.

What was holding him back to forgiving Pen? What was the true reason of this tension inside of him? Was it trust indeed? Suddenly he thought of what's next. They will get married. That he was sure of. But what's next? Leaving in a fear of her secret one day being out and his family name ruined for good, just because of him being in love?

And even before the wedding… will she publish something yet again? Will she come to him? Or will she do it on her own, as she always did? Should he let that hope to even take a step into his mind? Now he thought he indeed wanted her to come to him first.

That night he drank himself to sleep, only to have at least a few hours without thinking about all of that.