Title: Losing My Religion (3/?)
Author: hermyone_mex (ChindyAlo on tumblr)
Beta: Calienteyfria
Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Rating: PG-13 for now
Warnings: Angst and angst.
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to FOX and RIB and Chris Colfer and Diet Coke and Llamas and Cory Monteith and Canada. I just want to write Kinn, ok? leave me alone.
Summary: Finn and Kurt are married, they have a daughter, they love each other. They have everything to be happy. But life can change in a second and never go back to be the same.
Notes: I couldn't post last week because I was really busy with the end of the semester at my University, but now I'm free so I'll post every week. Thanks for reading :)
CHAPTER THREE: LEAN ON ME
Call me...
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Nights at the hospital were the worst, at least that's how Kurt felt. There was always this depressing environment around him that it made him feel suffocated, like if the quiet of the night at the hospital increased the amount of sadness in the already sorrowful picture of sick people, and even when it was broken by the nurses and doctors that worked at night, they didn't talk that much like those that worked during the day so it was saddest. And in this case, everything seemed worse because of people with neurological diseases looked so lifeless, they were in the seventh floor of the hospital that was for neurological treatments, it was a real nightmare and Kurt had learned that this floor was very depressing. Or maybe it wasn't like the hospital became in a more depressing place during nights, maybe it was just that at night, when he was left alone with his thoughts, his feelings, his fears and Finn who was still in a coma... so everything submerged him even more in this state of deep sadness.
Kurt was sat in his chair next to Finn and trying to focus in the book he has in his hands since he couldn't sleep. It was four in the morning and he was really tired, his body practically screaming him in pain for not giving it a properly rest, but he kept ignoring it. He put the book next to Finn's leg and then crossed his arms, reading was worthless if he had read the same phrase more than six times and still not knew what it said. He heard a knock at the open door (it was prohibited to be closed, except when the patient needed a bath or be dressed) and looked up to see the nurse with Finn's clinical record in her hands. She smiled nicely, as always, and came in.
"Good night, Mr. Hummel," said the nurse watching the machines next to Finn and making notes. She was the only nurse that talked to him without looking at him as if he was a freak or talked to him with a hasty voice, in fact, she was really nice. "Can't sleep? There's an empty room next to the elevator, you can go and try to sleep there if you want to, I won't tell anyone," she said with a smile and Kurt sighed frustrated.
"It has been four days" Kurt exclaimed bitterly looking at Finn, his eyes were closed and breathing thanks to the tube across his throat. It was the image of that tube keeping his husband alive what couldn't let him sleep. It was a really traumatic picture and he just couldn't get used to that. But also, he couldn't stop watching the machine, he was afraid that it could turn off any moment, even when he knew that it was highly unlikely. "Four days. How?" he murmured despondently.
The nurse looked at him patiently, she knew that Kurt had trust her since the beginning. She had been the one responsible for informing him and his family about the progress of Finn's brain surgery. Honestly, she had also seen that the man tried hard to not complain with the doctors but she also knew that her co-workers not always were understanding with the patient's family, especially when the diagnosis and recovery of the patient was so uncertain as it was the Finn Hudson's. Kurt Hummel looked like he was losing his mind with desperation but he just sighed one more time and kept talking.
"I mean, four days ago they finally closed the wound because his brain was not inflamed anymore and they removed the medicine that kept him in a coma," he explained. She already knew that but she listened to him without interrupting. "And he's still in coma. Why hasn't he woken up?" He asked knowing that she didn't have the answer, knowing that the doctors didn't have the answer. Nobody had it and he hated it.
After five days of the accident and the success of all the surgeries, the doctorts had decided that Finn's brain was in his normal size and the bleeding hadn't came back which mean that he was recovering well. They introduced him one more time to the operating room to close the wound in his head, it hadn't last as much like the last brain surgery and the neurosurgeon had said that everything had gone well and now it was about time to expect Finn to wake up. He couldn't ensure anything since brain injuries were always different and each body reacted different, so all they could do was wait. And that's what they had done; during the last four days they had made an schedule where Carole, Burt and Kurt were switching hours to stay with Finn. But Kurt was the only one that had stayed with him at nights, after the first night with visit allowed that Kurt had been the one who had stayed all night with Finn experiencing an environment even more depressed. So he had decided that he didn't want his dad, and he definitely didn't want Carole staying at the hospital during night, not when everything looked so dead... even Finn.
The nurse, her name was Eva, stopped what she was doing and walked to him. She could see the dark circles under his eyes. The man was exhausted which didn't help him to handle everything that was happening, although, she couldn't imagine that someone actually could handle that. She wasn't married but didn't need to be to know how horrible would be to have your husband, the person you love, in the same condition as was Finn Hudson.
"I know this is hard for you, Mr. Hummel," she said but he didn't look up, he was rubbing Finn's hand, the pain visible in his eyes. "But you have to trust that he's going to wake up, it hasn't been that much time. And I know that every minute is an eternity for each of you, but believe me when I say that there's still hope. Don't lose it."
Kurt shook his head.
"I'm not stupid, you know? I know that after some time, when a person is in coma, even if they wake up, their brain had been without the appropriate function so much time that they're not the same as they were before the coma." His fingers drove from Finn's hand to his cheek and he rubbed it softly. "Every minute he's still like this, means that there's more possibilities that he's going to have some damage that won't be able to repair." Then he sighed. "We don't even know if he's going to walk again, that's not enough? It just... so unfair," he murmured with his voice broken, but stopping the tears easily.
After the first days of the shock of the accident and crying for everything that had happened to Finn, Kurt hadn't cried again. Not that he didn't feel like that, but it was like he couldn't do it anymore. He felt like if he was in this weird trip when his body was there, sat next to Finn waiting for what it seemed impossible to happen while his feelings were trapped in the middle of his heart, all fighting to free and they couldn't escape. So he was there, feeling all this thing that he couldn't describe, he was also not able to liberate from this sensation of falling that he was feeling since the moment that John had told him about the accident. He was falling and he didn't know where.
Eva looked at him not saying anything, she knew that there's was nothing she could tell or do to make him feel better. She had seen the same attitude before with the patient's family countless times, especially when the patient had lost all chance to survive or waking up from a coma. And no matter how many times she saw it, it was always hard to handle, she tried her best to make them feel better even when it wasn't part of her job. She was a human after all, and she just could not ignore when she saw someone in so much pain. But she could also tell when someone didn't want help, even when they needed so badly.
Kurt felt the nurse's hand on his shoulder but he didn't move.
"You should go to sleep, I'll stay here with him if you want me to," said the nurse and Kurt shook his head.
"No, I won't leave him," he said curtly not even bothering to look at her and she sighed leaving the room without saying anything else.
When he heard the steps of the nurse leaving the room, Kurt stayed looking at Finn's face, not rubbing his cheek anymore. He had avoided talking to him, it was so painful to see Carole talking to her son when he was like that. He didn't want to experiment the same frustration that he knew that she was feeling every time she begged his son to wake up and nothing happened. When his dad had been in coma when he was at high school, everybody had tried to make him hold onto something, some God that helped him to not lose the hope, and Kurt had hated it. Because it wasn't like if he didn't believe on purpose. He just didn't believe, he couldn't believe in some God when he had never seen the need and motivation on that. And that time he had believed in something, he had believed in his father and both of them, and Burt had woken up and everything had gone well. But this time... he believed in Finn, he believed in his love, he believed in their marriage even when the day of the accident they had had that fight that had made him doubt about it for a second. But he wasn't blind, he wasn't stupid, and he knew that this time everything was so different from what had happened to his father. So different and so similar at the same time. He had discussed with his father the day he had suffered the heart attack, he had had it in the workshop. Finn and he had fought, and Finn had had the accident in the workshop. It hadn't been in the same workshop, and his father hadn't had an accident, he had just gotten sick and unexpectedly that almost cost his life. Yet, they were so similar.
So, if there was a God, Kurt thought, he was probably laughing at him right now for making him go through the same thing for the third time in his life. One of them he, God, had won when his mother had died. Another one, Kurt had been blessed at not losing his father. This last one, it seemed about to be won by God again. So, what should he do now? Start to believe in God and then have someone to blame? He couldn't pray, he didn't want to pray; he wanted to scream to someone, anybody, and blame them for making this again, for making his life a hell every time they wished it. Or it was better to not believe and just blame to his damn fucking bad luck?
"You must to be enjoying this, right?" he asked to Finn with a bitter whisper. "You must love being there and knowing that I'm dying because you won't wake up. You love it, uh? You must being laughing at me because you know that if you die I'll stay here alone wishing die too but not being able to do it because we have a daughter that I can't leave, even when all I want is you be here with me. You love to be the one that who'll be gone while I'll be here suffering every single day?" He didn't notice that his words weren't whispered anymore and that he was staring to raise his voice. "You're a coward, Finn! You're coward if you die and leave me here when you know that I can't... I just..." The tears, all the feelings that he had been holding were breaking him and now he was standing in front of Finn and yelling what he couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop. He was tired of hiding his feelings from everybody, to pretend that he was the stronge one when he felt like the weakest person in the world "Wake up, damnit! Don't be a coward and wake up because I'm not leaving, did you hear me? I'm not leaving you! Wake the fuck up!"
He felt the arms around his shoulders making him walk backwards but he didn't care, he didn't care about anything but the angriness he felt with Finn right now.
"I'm not going to forgive you if you die, Finn Hudson!" he screamed while a stronger arm put him backwards and sat him in a chair next to the door. "I'll never forgive you if you die. Did you hear me? Never!"
"Mr. Hummel, please, Kurt!" it was Eva, the nurse, she was kneeling in front of him and holding his arms and looking at him with concern "Please, calm down," she said stroking his arms "No!" she said to another nurse, a young man that had a syringe in his hand and obviously wanting to sedated him but she didn't let him. "He has to calm down by himself, ok? Just give it time. He needed this"
Kurt wasn't yelling anymore, his sobs breaking the silence around.
"Please, Finn. Please" he begged with a whisper, his all body trembling for the crying. "Please"
"Shhh, shhh," Eva was stroking his arms giving him warmth and helping him to calm down, the other nurse had resignated and when he saw that Kurt wasn't going to scream again or do something stupid, he left them alone but didn't close the door just for precaution.
Minutes passed and Kurt's sobs finally stopped, there were still tears falling for his face but he wasn't trembling anymore and now he was just with his eyes closed and breathing deeply. Eva raised from the floor and brought the chair that was next to Finn, she put it in front of Kurt and sat looking at him without saying anything. Kurt finally opened his eyes, there were so red and puffy, his face was a disaster. She handed him a handkerchief that was in her uniform. He finally looked at her with a look of desolation.
"He's not waking up again, right?" he whispered with pain. She stroked his cheeks.
"I don't know," she answered honestly, cleaning with her hands the tearst kept falling for his face.
"Is just... I feel like he's already gone, you know?" he said and she felt like crying too, she didn't let that cases like these affect her that much, but this time she couldn't help it. "But I'm not ready to say goodbye. I can't."
"Then don't do it, there's still time. Anything can happen, ok? Don't say goodbye," she said and hugged him, following her instincts.
Kurt hugged her back and looked at Finn for a few seconds before closing his eyes and letting that the hug made him feel better. After several minutes, she conviced him to go to the empty room and sleep for a few hours, his body was so tired and the crying and screaming increased the fatigue that as soon as his body touched the bed, he fell asleep.
Although supposedly he had chosen the nights at the hospital to spend the day with his daughter and resting and go to the hospital just for a couple hours to talk to the doctors about Finn's progress, Kurt couldn't stay all day at home even when he knew that Carole and his father were with Finn. And after the emotional break he had had two nights ago, he had this urge to be with Finn all the time. So today he had called Mercedes and asked her to stay with Elizabeth at home. She had said yes so he could go to the hospital. When he was on his way, Max called him to his phone asking him if it was good time to visit him and Elizabeth. He said that he had accidentally cooked more food that he could eat so it was better to share it with someone and not waste it. Silly excuse to be around and help him with everything he could and not leave him alone, he thought, but Kurt really appreciated it. Thanks to Max, he hadn't stayed at home alone with Elizabeth while Carole and Burt were at he hospital and Mercedes was at her work during the days. But now he was on his way to the hospital so he told him that he could go to his house and eat with Mercedes and stay there and play with his daughter. Max was really good at playing with kids and he loved Elizabeth, well, everybody did.
Kurt got out from the elevator breathing with relief because he didn't see around the nurse in charge of seventh floor. She seemed to hate him and he knew that she'd be happy to draw him out from Finn's room if she saw him without the visitor's badge. Since he hadn't communicated with his dad or Carole, he knew that they'll send him back home if he call them from the entrance of the hospital. He tried to sneak up to the elevator and he had had the luck of not finding any security guard in his way. He seemed surprised at not seeing his father or Carole in the room. There was nobody but Finn in there, but nothing had happened, right? Were they talking to the doctor about Finn and without telling him? Finn was right in front of him and he was fine, well, not fine... but he didn't look paler and the machines were working as always. But what if something had happened and they hadn't called him because they didn't want to worry him?
"Kurt?" asked someone behind him and he jumped with surprise. He turned to see Eva who was smiling at him. "Well, I think I caught you." She was grabbing a small tub with water inside and a bag in her other hand.
"What are you doing here?" he asked rudely, then he softened his voice, embarrassed. "I mean, I thought you only worked here nights." She entered the room and put the things on the little table next to the bed.
"I do, but the nurse that's here during the day is sick. I'm taking her shift. Extra money is always well received at home, you know?" she said and then looked at him seriously, they hadn't talked about what had happened two nights ago because she had been really busy. Now that he was there, she wanted to talk to him. "How are you?"
Kurt sighed, crossing his arms and finally entered the room, and then he kissed Finn's cheek as he always did when he got there.
"I'm... I think I can say I feel lighter," he said and she smiled softly. "I don't think I'm fine but I can breathe better, it that makes any sense?"
"Yeah, it does. You took away a load off. You needed that explosion, it's not healthy to hide all your feelings," she said, he thought that she was going to judging him for all the things he had told to Finn.
"I know is not healthy. It's just that all this is over me and I don't know how to control it." He combed Finn's hair with his fingers, looking at him with sadness. "I miss him so much." Then he looked at her and then remembered something, "Do you know where is my dad and stepmom? They were supposed to be here."
"I asked them to leave so I can give him his bath," she said opening the bag, and grabbing soap and a sponge. "I think they were going for some food, so you can find them in the cafeteria," she said and then looked at Kurt who was staring at her with wide eyes. "What?"
"I-I didn't know you bathed him," he said and she raised an eyebrow and he felt embarrassed. "Which is stupid because this is a hospital... and patients must be clean all the time," he said. "Sorry, I just didn't think about it until now."
"You can help me if you want to," she suggested walking to the door and closing it. Then walked to the bathroom and started to wash her hands.
"What? How? Isn't that... illegal or something?" he asked nervously and she laughed.
"Of course not, in fact, the family almost always helps. Don't know about your husband because I'm never been here when they give him his baths, but is very normal that a family wants to be around and help when the patient is being washed. It's part of the recovering, not the bath, but the interaction with someone that they feel close to," she said and Kurt looked at her, unsure. She sighed. "Look. I was honest when I said that you needed to explode the other night, because it wasn't healthy to be like you were. But you also need to get closer to your husband. Nobody really knows if someone that is in coma can hear and feel what is happening around them until they wake up. Sometimes not even then because patients tend to forget everything about being in coma when they woke up" she explained and walked to Finn again but didn't start to washing him yet "But there's something that I can tell you: when the patient is in coma, the family that's just there sitting and waiting, they suffer more than the ones who are trying to make a connection with the patient."
Kurt looked at her and then at Finn, his eyes still full of doubts.
"So you're saying that if I help you to wash him, even if that implies to see the fresh scars in his arm and his hips, I'll feel better?" he asked making an expression of confusion and she shook her head with a soft smile.
"No, what I'm saying is that you shouldn't mark the distance with him when you know it doesn't help you at all. You know that that doesn't help you feel better," she said and Kurt frowned.
"And what makes you think that I want to feel better?" he asked bitterly and she sighed "I'm sorry but the only thing I want is for him waking up."
"But you can't do that. And you don't know if he can hears you, but if he does, you're not even giving him a reason to wake up," she said with patience "When his mom was here, she was singing to him, and she told me that she also reads to him and talks to him about your daughter." She smiled brighter, "I didn't even know you had a daughter."
Kurt just looked at her, if it had been another person trying to make him talk about his family, he would have answered rudely and then called for another nurse. But Eva had something that made him trust her and she had been so nice with him since the beginning that he almost felt like she was a friend. But it was really difficult for him what she was asking him to do. He didn't want to talk to Finn. It hurt so much and what he had said two nights ago made him feel guilty even when he didn't really know if Finn could hear him. He didn't want to lose control again and feeling even worse with himself.
"I know that this is hard to handle and you feel miserable, but you can't be like this all the time," she said with sadness and he didn't make a move. "But you have to try. You know that is proven that music can be therapeutic for sick people? I bet you can sing," she said with a playful smile and he tried to not smile but couldn't help it.
"Yeah, I can," he admitted.
"Ok, let's make a deal. You sing to him while a give him the bath, what do you think?"
Kurt frowned a little.
"That you have a really kinky mind?" he said without thinking about it and then they laughed, but Kurt suddenly put a hand over his mouth like if he had said something horrible and closed his eyes with pain and then looked at Finn guilty.
"Hey, it's ok to laugh once in a while," she said, but Kurt shook his head putting down his hand and not raising his eyes from the sheets of the bed like if he had done something really bad. "Kurt, listen, you're not killing him by laughing," she murmured and he shook his head one more time.
"I know but, it's just feel wrong to do it with all this and especially when he's here like this," he whispered taking Finn's hand and breathing deeply. "I'm sorry, Finn," he said. She sighed walking to him and sitting next to him, Kurt turned to see her smiling."I know that there's nothing bad with laughing, but I just... can't do it without feeling that I'm hurting him, you know?"
"Well, that's stupid," she said putting his arm around his shoulders. "You think that crying is the only way to demonstrate that you're worrying for him? That you miss him and love him?" Kurt only shrugged. "I think it's time to you to stop this, it's not good for you and it's not going to help Finn."
"What do you mean?" he asked turning to her and she made him stand up and walked him to the bathroom.
"Wash your hands, you're going to help me," she said crossing her arms with determination. Kurt looked at her quite surprised.
"I really don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to hurt him," he said nervously and she smiled.
"You're not going to hurt him because I'll tell you what to do,"
"Why do you want me to do this? It's not like... giving him a bath is not going to make him wake up," he said sadly and pointing at Finn.
"You don't know that. And I'm doing this for you," she emphasized "You need to stop thinking about how bad he is and that he might die any minute, or that he's not going to wake up. You already had your moment of break down, and that was just fine because you needed it," she said firmly and Kurt was looking at her with wide eyes "But you can't go back to that. You need to see what you do have. You have him alive, he's clearly fighting for his life, he might still in a coma but I'm sure he's fighting to wake up. So if he's fighting, you should do the same and fight for him."
"How?" asked Kurt sourly. "I can't make him wake up. And talking to him is not going to bring him back," he said calmly. "I'm not like him. He's the one that never loses hope, he's the one that always think that everything is going to be okay no matter how bad it looks. He's the one that can make our daugther stop crying by just talking to her," he said with a sad smile because it was true. "I'm not an optimistic person, I don't know how to think that things going to be fine when everything keeps falling apart. I'm sure that if I were the one in the coma, he'd be doing all that stuff that family always do. He wouldn't be like me just acting like if I were expecting the worst. Trust me, I don't want the worst. It's just... I can't help to think that that's going to happen when he's been like this for days and he's not seemed like if he's waking up again. I want to fight for him, I do. I just don't know how to do it."
"Wash your hands," repeated Eva. Kurt stared at her, but she just stayed there looking at him and he sighed and finally did what she had asked. When he was done, she walked to Finn and he followed her putting in the other side of the bed. The first thing she did was take the wet sponge and the soap and passed them down the Finn's cheeks, being careful not to remove the tube in his mouth that helped him to breathe. Once that his cheeks were covered with a white layer of soap, she took a new razor from the bag. Eva looked at Kurt doubtfully.
"Do you want to shave him while I start to wash him?" she asked and Kurt nodded, that was something he could do easily, right? So Kurt rolled his shirt sleeves and took the razor from Eva's hands. He leaned over Finn and started to shave his cheeks; he had never done that before. They had this nice and lovely routine where they met each other in the bathroom every other morning to do their cleaning and they both shave at the same time, but never to each other. But this was nice and he got to help Finn with something, it wasn't the big help but it felt good to do something and not just stay there feeling helpless.
Once he had finished, Kurt went to the bathroom and cleaned the things he had used, when he came back to the room he saw that Eva had removed the hospital gown that Finn was wearing. She wasn't looking at Kurt or saying anything. He stayed there watching Finn's body, there were few healed cuts in his chest that he didn't know he had, there were also some bruising here and there that looked minimal compared with his head bandaged and his arm that she didn't touch. When Finn was fully naked she passed the damp sponge with the soap from his neck to his chest, the hair on Finn's body stood by the contrast of the warm water with the air, although the water wasn't cold nor the air, and Kurt felt fascinated by that reaction so natural, so lively and encouraging coming from the his husband's body. Eva continued avoiding the right arm carefully when she cleaned around it. Kurt saw motions attentively and then, without even thinking about it, he took a sponge that was in the bag and she passed him the soap with a small smile. Kurt imitated her moves but washed Finn's long legs, his thighs, and then, with a different sponge, his genitals. Everything felt so intimate, and not because he was washing Finn's private parts but because for the first time in days, Kurt felt close to Finn. He felt him there with him like he hadn't felt him in days that were becoming a painful eternity. His hands were washing his stomach now and it saddened him to see that Finn looked a bit thinner but it was really minimal so he decided to no worry about it, besides the doctors had told him that coma patients always lost weight but always it was normal and that kept them well fed. Eva was drying what she had washed around his arms.
And it was in that moment when Kurt felt that Finn wasn't weak as he had thought since the accident had happened. He could feel the fortress in his muscles, he was feeling the warm of his body, he traveled with his fingers what he had touched and cherished from all these years. Sometimes when they were having sex, others in which they just touched to each other, to know and recognize by touch every part of his body. Finn was there, he could feel it, he could feel him. It was so wonderful and Kurt chuckled a little for that and feeling warmth in his heart, a warmth people called hope. Eva put all the things in the bag and left the room closing the door behind her, Kurt hadn't even noticed. Kurt covered Finn's body with a blanket, kissed his chest and then his forehead several times, smiling at him and taking his hand in his and stroking his hair with the other hand.
"I promise you that I'll fight for you," he said to Finn still smiling. "And you have to promise me that you're not giving up, okay? Because I'm not" he promised him and kissed his forehead one more time.
Half an hour later, Eva entered in the room with a clean hospital gown for Finn. She saw that Kurt was singing while his fingers stroked his husband's hair, she barely could hear him. It took her a few seconds to recognize the song, she hadn't heard it for a long time and noticed that, in fact, Kurt could sing very well, she smiled and didn't make any sound and left the room again as she heard the end of "Here Comes the Sun"by the Beatles.
Mercedes opened the door and entered to the house talking happily to Elizabeth who was in her arms. The little girl listening to her and playing with her hair.
"Kurt?" she asked, putting her diaper bag on the table that was besides the entrance. "We're here!" she announced, walking to the living room but not finding anybody around there.
"We he'e!" repeated the girl and Mercedes smiled at her. Elizabeth applauded with happiness.
"Yeah, we're here," she said to Elizabeth and walked to the kitchen to find Kurt there with Burt. "Oh, Hi, Mr. Hummel," she greeted.
"Hello, Mercedes," he said standing up, opening his arms. He smiled at his granddaughter and started to talk like a child. "Why, who's here? Isn't the most beautiful girl in the planet?" he said. Elizabeth screamed with happiness practically jumping to his arm. "Ouch!" exclaimed Burt, smiling even more. "Well, don't know how you do it, but you're heavier everyday, little monster!"
"Dad!" complained Kurt, while Mercedes kissed his cheek as a hello. "Could you do me the favor of not calling my daughter horrible nicknames, please?" he said not angrily, and Burt started to tickle her tummy, the girl laughing hysterically. Kurt put a sad smile.
"Oh, I used to call you white peanut all the time when you were two like this little beauty, and you're just fine," said Burt smiling to his granddaughter. Kurt just rolled his eyes not bothering to complain about that.
"So what did your boss say?" asked Mercedes sitting next to him. Kurt sighed and looked at his cup of coffee with resignation "Oh, don't tell me that that bastard fired you. He can't!"
"No, he didn't. But he's not happy," he explained. "He understands what is happening and that I can't be there right now, but I'm in charge of an entire part of the magazine. He needs me there," he said looking at his dad. He was giving his fruit salad to Elizabeth and talking to her. "He can't fire me but he can put me in administration and put someone else in my place."
Mercedes opened her mouth with surprise.
"He didn't! It cost you three years to get that place!" she screamed and Burt looked at her with a frown because she had scared the girl "Sorry. It's just... so unfair"
"I know, Mercedes," said Kurt shrugging. "I still have the position, but if I don't give him an advance of the articles that are supposed to be published for next week, I'll have to go back to administration. And honestly, the last thing I want to do now is check and write articles about clothes and fashion. So there's nothing I can really do."
"But... is he going to give you back your job when you have more time?" she asked and he just gave her a look that said 'do you really think that?' and Mercedes just sighed with frustration. "I'm so sorry, Kurt," she said and he shrugged again.
"It's ok, I really don't care about my job right now," he murmured. "If he wants to take me back to administration, so be it. I won't stop staying with Finn or here with Elizabeth, they're way more important that the magazine or my place in there."
"But it's not fair," she murmured and Kurt smiled sadly.
"Life's never fair, Mercedes," he said with a sigh. "It never is."
"I say that you should sue his ass if he takes you back to administration," said Burt, talking to them with a rough voice. "He can't do that, Kurt. You're not taking vacations of dismissing from your duties because you want to," he said, making jump the girl in his arms because she was staring to get irritated. That didn't calm her down, and Kurt looked at her before raising her arms and Burt gave her to him. "Kurt, where are you going? I'm talking to you," he said when Kurt left the kitchen and followed him to the front door, while Kurt was looking for something in the diaper bag. "Kurt, I mean it, if you don't sue him, I will"
The girl started to cry and Kurt kept looking in the diaper bag ignoring his father. He finally found what he was looking for: a set of keys. And Burt knew that there were Finn's keys because they were on the key chain he had given to him years ago. The girl took the keys and started to play with them making a rattling sound. Burt sighed with sadness looking at his son.
"Kurt, I know this is hard and you're in pain. I know how do you feel," he said softly while Kurt was now seeing his daughter and wiggling her in his arms. "But you can't let that this ruin what you've worked for so much time. You can't let this ruin your future."
Kurt laughed bitterly and finally looked at him.
"Ruin my future?" he asked angrily "Dad, my whole present is ruined! Do you really think I give a shit about some stupid job?" he asked and Elizabeth was staring at him with wide eyes. Mercedes, that had followed them, walked to Kurt and took the girl without saying anything and took her upstairs.
"You have a daughter, Kurt. You should give a damn about your job since it's the money you earn what feeds her," he answered. "You think I don't know how you feel? I know how hard is all this, but you just can't give up. I didn't left my job when your mom died, Kurt..."
"Finn's not dead! This is not the same!" he screamed breaking the silence and tranquillity in the house. Then nobody said anything else for a few seconds.
"I know, son. But it's been two weeks, we don't know if he's going to..."
"Don't!" warned Kurt, he knew how much time that had happened, he had counted, almost unconsciously, every single hour that had happened since the accident. But It didn't mean that he was ready to hear what his father, what everybody was thinking. Besides, the doctors kept telling them that there was still brain functions, that he wasn't losing them but neither gaining more. There was still hope and Kurt had meant it when he had said to Finn that he wasn't giving up. So to think that Finn couldn't wake up, that could die, it wasn't an option for him, not anymore.
"Look, Kurt. I know that he's not dead and that there's still hope. But you just can't stop your life when you have a daughter who needs you."
"I'm not leaving her, dad. And I'm not stopping my life, it's just that Finn is more important that my job."
"I know that. But you can't afford losing your place when you have to pay the bills at the hospital that are getting higher everyday."
"Finn has a really good health insurance and what I'm paying is minimal, Dad. And even if they took me back to administration, my salary will be good enough to feed my daughter without any problem." He crossed his arms and looked at his father with hurt. "I didn't think that you would care more about my job than my husband, Dad. Your step-son."
"That's not fair, Kurt. You know I love Finn like if he was my son and all this is killing me as much is killing you and Carole. But I also have to see for your welfare and Elizabeth's. And what you're doing with your job isn't right. You think I don't know what you're doing?" he asked, and Kurt turned his face avoiding his eyes. "You're ignoring the reality, you're pulling yourself from the rest of the world like if you were also in coma."
"That's not true, dad" exclaimed Kurt watching him again with indignity.
"Yes you are, Kurt. When was the last time you slept more than four hours?" he asked, as Kurt rolled his eyes. "Don't act like that's not important. You barely eat, you've lost weight, you stay here but don't rest. You call the hospital every hour to ask about Finn. And don't think that I don't know that you call Anne or Mercedes to take care of you daughter so you can go and sneak to the hospital when you know Carole and I are getting lunch," he said and Kurt snorted not saying anything. "You think that that's healthy? You think that Elizabeth doesn't notice that something really bad is happening?"
"What do you want me to do then? Pretend that everything's just fine and Finn is on a business trip? Trust me, Dad. The least I want is that Elizabeth is affected by what is happening. But I can't do that much, when I'm with her I do my best to be happy and play with her, but she misses him, Dad. It's not only about my attitude, she misses Finn. I can't make her change that. She might not be able to understand what's happening, but she knows Finn isn't here. She's a human too and she has the same right than us to suffers while Finn is gone, Dad."
"But you're letting her suffer more than she can support at almost not being with her. She misses you too, and I and Carole try hard to be with her when you're at the hospital, but is not the same for her. She needs her fathers, and you can be with her but you're not even trying."
"I do try!" he objected "You know that I love my daughter with everything and I'd never hurt her no matter what happens with Finn. I try to be for her as much as I can and not letting that my feelings for Finn's state affects her. Why are you insisting so much with this?"
"Because I don't want you to do to her the same I did with you when your mom died!"
Kurt was speechless for a moment.
"What are you talking about?" he asked in a whisper.
Burt breathed deeply with sadness before answering.
"When your mom died, I wanted to die too, Kurt," he said "And everybody told me that she had left me the best thing I could ever ask: you. I knew it, I loved you so much, but I was in pain and I couldn't stop thinking about her, and you've always been so much like her that I couldn't be with you without seeing her in your eyes, and in everything you did." He cleared his throat. "So it was easier for me to work harder and give you all the presents I could, to buy you all the things you wanted it rather than spend time with you. And one day, I realized that you weren't a kid anymore, that you were at high school, telling me that you were gay. All I could think was that I had lost your childhood, that you had grown up in front of my eyes and I had missed it. I knew you were gay and I never did anything to help you to face the world even when I knew how mean people are with gay kids." His voice was broken now "You lost your mom when you were just a kid and you lost me too, and you have no idea how sorry I am for that. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you alone when you needed me the most."
"Dad... Dad, that's not true. You were there for me, you always have. You're a fantastic father" Kurt approached his father but he shook his face, tears in his eyes.
"I'm not, Kurt. I never was for you the way you needed me. I left you grow up without being a proper dad for you. And I know you never stopped loving me for that, but the childhood you had it wasn't the best and I could have done so much for you to be a happier kid and I didn't. I'm so sorry, Kurt."
Kurt put his hands over his father's shoulders.
"It's okay, dad. I know that it wasn't easy for you, and you might not see it but you were for me the best dad I could ever had. You never tried to change me even when I knew you got scared every time I asked you to buy me clothes that boys didn't wear, or never tried to change my dislike for sports even when your friends used to laugh at my complains about what you saw me watch on tv." He smiled at his father "And you don't know how much I thank that you always supported my sexuality even when it scared you at how much I was going to suffer for that in Ohio. You are the best father in the world, Dad." He could feel the tears beginning to fall. "And I promise you that if Finn... that if I stay alone with Elizabeth, I won't leave her alone, I'll try to be the best dad for her. I promise you" Burt nodded wiping his tears and Kurt hugged him without letting go for a few minutes.
"Here, let's go clean the kitchen up and then we can go to the park so Elizabeth have fun with us, what do you think?" asked Burt seconds later. "Carole said that she could stay with Finn all day so we can hang out a little." Kurt smiled to his father.
"Yeah, that sounds good. Let me tell Mercedes to come back. I think we scared her a bit," he joked and Burt smiled. "I'll be right back to help you with the kitchen said and climbed the stairs. Mercedes and Elizabeth were in his room, the girl was quiet and watching the children's storybook that the woman was reading.
"Sorry about that," apologized Kurt, sitting in the bed next to his daughter. The girl was still quiet and he kissed her head. "I promise that I won't fight again with your grandpa," he said to his daughter.
"He's right, you know? About your job, you should do the best to keep your place," suggested Mercedes looking at him with a raised eyebrow, and Kurt nodded with a sigh.
"I know, I'll have to get done with what my boss asked for next week."
"I can help you if you want. I'm the one that taught you everything you know about fashion after all," she said with a playful smile and Kurt laughed still carrying his daughter. The girl looked at his smile amazedly and put her fingers over his mouth and Kurt kissed them, still smiling.
"I thought I was the one that had taught you everything about fashion," said Kurt and Mercedes shrugged with a smile. "Anyway, you're already helping me enough with everything. I'll do it myself, don't worry. But thanks."
"Always a pleasure" she said as usual.
"So my dad wants to go to the park, you wanna come with us? We haven't hang out with Elizabeth lately and I'm sure she'll love to go to the playground," he asked and Mercedes seemed nervous "What?"
"I already had plans..." she murmured, blushing. "But I can go with you if you want to, I can change my plans to another day, don't worry."
Kurt frowned.
"What? You don't have to change them for me. Mercedes, you've been there for me this whole two weeks, every time I needed you. I'm sorry, I've been selfish with you."
"You haven't been selfish, Kurt. Don't say that, ok? I understand that was happening is really important and you can't think of anything else. Besides, you're my best friend and I'll be always there for you, and I know you'd do the same for me." She followed him and Kurt smiled at her.
"Of course I'll do it. So, what plans do you have for today?" he asked putting Elizabeth in the bed, the girl jumped to the book and started change the pages pointing the pictures in there and talking out loud.
Mercedes blushed even more.
"I ha-I have a date" she said embarrassed and Kurt blinked with surprise.
"Oh," he said softly and Mercedes shook her head firmly.
"You know what, forget it. I'll call and cancel and go with you to the park, this is silly, I shouldn't be dating when you're with all your problems. I'm sorry," she stammered and Kurt frowned.
"Hey, hey! You're not cancelling anything, Mercedes. And who told you that you should stop enjoying your life just because mine sucks at the moment?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and crossing his arm, a completely diva pose.
"You're my best friend," she explained and Kurt shrugged, not understanding.
"So what?"
"So what? I shouldn't be dating when all this is happening to you, it's insensitive on my part. I should be there for you and supporting you all I can," she murmured and Kurt shook his head approaching her.
"Listen to me Mercedes," he said firmly "First: there's nothing wrong with you dating, no matter how bad my life is. No, I haven't finished yet," he said when he saw that she was about to object. "It'd be insensitive of me to ask you to stop your world just because mine is not working well. Second: You are already helping me and supporting me all you can, so don't think that I'll feel bad if you go out and have fun. I wouldn't be a good friend if I stop you to live your own life. So you're going to your date and have fun and then call me ant tell me how was it, just like always, ok?" he asked smiling her and Mercedes smile sadly. "It's okay, I promise you" he assured to her.
"Fine. But you call me if something happens, ok?" she said kissing his cheek and Kurt nodded.
"I promise you." then he looked at her with a playful smile "So who's the lucky one? Do I know him?" he asked and she blushed againg, Kurt laughed "Oh I know him, right? Who is he?"
"I'm not telling you!" she said smiling and Kurt growled like a child.
"Oh please, tell me, please, please, please," he said and Mercedes laughed shooking her head.
"P'ease, p'ease!" repeated Elizabeth from the bed and both adults started to laugh at that.
"See? Even Elizabeth wants to know, you'll have to tell me who is it" argument Kurt taking her daughter in his arms, the girl still repeating 'p'ease'
"Kurt?" it was Burt in the door from the room, his face was very serious and his eyes were red and Kurt felt a pain in his chest. Something had happened, he knew it at the moment he saw his father expression.
"What is it?" he asked with fear and his heart beat faster when he saw that his dad has his phone in his hand. Burt sighed before answering.
"Carole just called. It's... Finn woke up," he said with a broken voice and with a huge smile on his face.