Title: Losing My Religion (5/?)
Author: hermyone_mex (ChindyAlo on tumblr)
Beta: Ca-Bas
Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Rating: PG-13 for now
Warnings: Angst and angst.
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to FOX and RIB and Chris Colfer and Diet Coke and Llamas and Cory Monteith and Canada. I just want to write Kinn, ok? leave me alone.
Summary: Finn and Kurt are married, they have a daughter, they love each other. They have everything to be happy. But life can change in a second and never go back to be the same.
Special notes: The idea of this fic came to me way before Cory's tragic death. I don't want to offend his memory by the general plot of this fic and I'm committed to write this because I love Kinn but also because I want to honor Cory's memory. This fic has a special dedication to him.
CHAPTER FIVE: DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the nights
Some will win, some will lose
Some are born to sing the blues
The next time Finn woke up, Kurt was the only one with him in the room. After he had told the doctor his name, Finn only gave his date of birth and called for his mother (Carole had gasped in happiness at that), before he fell asleep again. But that was pretty normal, the doctor had assured them; Finn was going to sleep and be tired for the next few days and they shouldn't worry about it. After he gave them more information, he left them alone. The three of them had an emotional moment together hugging each other with happy tears because it felt like a real miracle.
It was just that they couldn't believe it; they couldn't believe that Finn had woken up, but it was true. It really seemed like Finn was fine. All right, he hadn't even talked very much and he had barely woken for more than a few minutes to be sure that he was fine, but it had been enough to bring them the light that they felt was lost two weeks ago. They still had to figure out how he was physically and mentally; they didn't know anything about the state of his mind, how his brain was working inside. However for the first time, it seemed like everything was going to get better. The doctor had told them that it might be another three hours until Finn woke up again; that this time they would need to check his brain function more fully and keep him awake longer. Kurt, Carole and Burt decided to stay at the hospital that day and wait for Finn to wake up.
Now, more than three hours later, Burt had taken Carole to the cafeteria to eat something. Initially, she had refused but in the end they both had left. They were there with Mercedes and Max (Mercedes had called him and told him the good news about Finn) while Kurt had decided to stay in the room. Finn wasn't sedated and he could wake up at any moment, so Kurt wasn't going to take the risk of leaving him alone and waking up without anybody around. So when Finn started to move and show signs of opening his eyes, Kurt was with him sitting next to the bed. He was so nervous and excited that he stayed there just staring at Finn's movements and not knowing what to do, his own hands shaking in an almost funny way. The only advice that the doctor had given them was that they should call for him again when Finn woke up and meanwhile, they shouldn't push Finn with information about the accident and not try to make him say or do anything until the doctor was there.
However, Kurt had been waiting for this moment so long; he had dreamed and wished so much for Finn to awaken; that he just forgot to call the nurse, or the doctor, or even his dad and Carole. He leaned into Finn, his body trembling with nerves just as Finn's eyes started to open slowly. He didn't say anything and just looked at him; Finn's eyes were adjusting to the light of the room, and he was probably trying to identify everything that was around him. When he finally looked at Kurt, Kurt chuckled, and his tears started falling. He smiled at Finn and moved his hand but he didn't touch him. He was so scared that this might be only a beautiful dream, and if he touched him, he'd wake up and find out that Finn was still a coma.
He stared at him with a broken smile and Finn looked at him, with confusion on his face.
"Finn?" asked Kurt with a whisper, approaching the bed. He smiled at him. "Hey, you," he whispered delicately, putting one of his hands on Finn's chest. Finn didn't seem like he recognized him, but Kurt didn't stop smiling at him. One of his tears fell on Finn's cheek, and Kurt cleaned it with his finger. "I'm here, I'm right here. You're gonna be okay".
"K-Kurt?" asked Finn after a few seconds of confusion; his voice was barely heard, and he looked tired. However, Finn had recognized him, and Kurt felt warmth in his chest. Hearing him saying his name after everything, it was so wonderful, his voice; an amazing sound.
"Yeah, it's me," Kurt answered taking his left hand and squeezing it softly. "I'm right here"
Finn closed his eyes a bit grimacing in pain; he moved his head a little but closed his eyes tightly. Clearly there was something that was hurting him. Maybe it was better to go and find a nurse, or someone that could call the doctor. What if it was something serious? However, when Kurt tried to move, Finn squeezed his hand weakly and opened his eyes looking scared, so Kurt approached again.
"Hey, easy-easy. I'm here," he said.
Finn looked around without moving his head too much; he seemed lost and confused. "Where am I?" he asked. His voice was a little stronger but still really hoarse.
Kurt hesitated; he didn't know if it was appropriate to answer him, even when the doctor had already told Finn a few hours ago that he was at the hospital and that he had had an accident. This was probably what the doctor had been talking about when he had said that they shouldn't push Finn with information, but clearly Finn was confused. There wasn't anything wrong with helping him with that, right?
"You're at the hospital. You had an accident," he explained, stroking Finn's left hand. Finn listened, but it seemed that he was trying to process the information. "You're gonna be fine, okay?"
Finn frowned and looked around; realization suddenly came to his eyes.
"Ac-ccident? Where?" He looked around like he was trying to find something or someone, but the constant movement of his head and part of his body were too much. He stopped and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing harder.
"Don't move, please. Your arm is injured; you're going to hurt yourself if you move it." Kurt put his hand on Finn's chest and rubbed lightly, trying to calm him. A few seconds later, Finn's breath relaxed and he opened his eyes without moving too much.
"What happened?" he asked with a whisper.
Finn was scared, and Kurt didn't want to talk about the accident, but he knew that Finn needed an answer, or he'd be more afraid, and that wasn't good if Kurt didn't want him to move. Kurt thought he should have called someone the moment Finn had started to wake up.
"You had an accident at the workshop, and you hurt your head and your arm. I- I don't know what exactly happened, though." He lied because he still felt terrified every time he thought about the accident. He just couldn't say it to Finn, because it was too much to handle. The accident, the coma and the seriousness of all his injuries; they were very hard to deal with. He would need to know about it in the future, but right now it was better not to get into too many details. The less he said, the better.
Finn frowned and bit his lip; it seemed that he didn't completely understand what Kurt was saying.
"Workshop…?" he asked licking his lips a bit and frowning even more.
Kurt nodded.
"Burt," he said suddenly louder, although his voice was still hoarse.
Kurt frowned then.
"Oh, go-is he okay? Is your dad okay?"
"Y-yes, Finn. He's all right... did you hear what I said? About the accident, at your work?" Kurt was afraid. Why was Finn asking about his dad? Had he heard something different? Maybe he had trouble hearing. Finn nodded gently; he was still in pain. "I'll go to find the nurse and..."
"Mr. Hudson?" Fortunately, the nurse walked in right at that moment. She approached the bed smiling at Finn who just looked more confused. "I'm glad you're awake again"
"He's in pain," said Kurt, looking at her nervously. "A-and I think he's confused. But the pain, I think he has a headache, but when he moved I think he hurt his arm too. Is that bad? I mean, does it mean something bad?" He was babbling, not even noticing that he was squeezing the sheets beside Finn's body.
The nurse looked from Kurt to Finn with a kind smile. "Headaches are very common in cases like this," she said, being careful not to mention what kind of case she was talking about. "But I'll go to find the doctor. Don't worry Mr. Hudson, I'll go for your doctor and he'll give you something for your pain, okay?" She looked at Finn, who nodded a bit with his eyes half closed. The woman walked away without saying anything else.
Kurt breathed deeply and tried to calm down. He put his hand on Finn's left arm, and stroked it, and hoped that the pain wasn't really bad.
"D-did I crash?" asked Finn, after a few seconds of silence. His eyes were still half closed, but he didn't seem about to sleep again, although, with the pain it was clear he was having, Kurt wished that he would go back to sleep until the doctor gave him something. "Did I hit him?" he asked louder.
Kurt started to feel real scared not knowing what Finn was talking about. What was happening?
"What? No, Finn, you didn't crash. I just told you; you had an accident at your work, in the workshop. But you're going to be fine, ok?" he repeated, making sure that his words were clear and loud enough for Finn understand them perfectly fine. Maybe it was because of the headache that he was so confused. When Finn had headaches, he got confused very easily, and he didn't listen well. Yes, it was that; it was the headache that had Finn so confused and lost. It had to be that.
"Wh-where's Mom?" he asked, opening his eyes, but without moving his head.
"She's in the cafeteria, with my dad. I'll call them when the doctor is here, all right?" he said, but Finn didn't answer. Minutes went by, and Finn seemed calmer, not sleepy, but it looked like the pain was leaving. Kurt felt thankful for that, but he wondered why it was taking so long to for the doctor to show up, or at least a nurse that could give Finn a painkiller. Unfortunately, his dad had taken his cellphone, and Kurt didn't want to leave Finn. So he was going to wait until he could ask someone to go and find Carole and Burt and tell them that Finn was awake. Meanwhile, Kurt stayed next to Finn not saying anything and wishing that when the pain passed, he wouldn't act so weirdly anymore.
"I had an accident at the workshop," Finn said minutes later. His eyes were open, and Kurt could tell by the tone of his voice, that Finn was reacting, and he didn't seem lost. Kurt sighed with relief and nodded at Finn.
"Yes, you did," he said.
Finn looked around, at the machines and the hospital room.
"Is everybody okay?" he asked with a whisper. His eyes were stuck on the machine that showed his heart rhythm. Kurt followed his eyes and then went back to look at him.
"Yes, everyone is fine. It was only you in the accident," he said. Finn turned to him with worried eyes. "But you're going to be okay very soon, I promise you," he assured him with a half smile that Finn at least tried to respond even if he failed.
"My mom is...?" he asked, trying to remember.
"At the cafeteria"
"Right, cafeteria... she's with your dad, right?" he said and Kurt nodded, smiling again.
"Yes, she's with my dad." Kurt saw him trying hard; maybe he was trying to remember every detail since he had woken up, but it seemed to be very difficult, and he didn't know if that would increase the pain, so he tried to change the subject. "Hey, is the pain gone? Do you feel better?" he asked putting his hand on Finn's chest. Finn looked at it frowning.
"A bit better... Umm, is Rachel with them too?" he asked; still looking at Kurt's hand on his chest.
Kurt froze. "Wh-who?"
Finn raised his eyes, and cleared his throat looking at Kurt.
"Rachel; is she with my mom and Burt in the cafeteria?" he asked again. His voice seemed to have recovered his normal tone the more he talked.
"Rachel? Rachel Berry?" On the contrary, Kurt's voice was trembling, and he could feel his heart beating faster in his chest. Finn nodded; the confused expression coming back to his face, as though he was confused about Kurt's attitude. "Wh-why would she be here at the hospital?" This was ridiculous; why was he asking for Rachel? An alarm went off in Kurt's heart, but he ignored it.
Finn snorted, but the movement pained him, so he closed his eyes for several seconds. Then he opened them again and looked at Kurt frowning.
"Dude, because she's my girlfriend?" he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Why wouldn't she be here?" The exasperation was evident in his voice.
"I'm sorry for the wait; I was with another patient," said the doctor, who came in followed by the previous nurse. He walked over next to Finn and smiled at him. "How you doing, Mr. Hudson? We talked earlier, do you remember me?" he asked.
Finn turned to him; the doctor waiting patiently until Finn nodded. "You stung my leg," he murmured, not completely sure, and the doctor laughed.
"Yes, that's right. I stung your leg. I can see your voice is getting better, I promise you that you'll talk just fine very soon. How long has he been awake, Mr. Hummel?" The doctor turned to Kurt now, who was still looking at Finn; his eyes were wide, and he was pale. "Mr. Hummel?"
Finn looked at Kurt half confused, but Kurt didn't answer. In fact, it seemed like he hadn't heard anything the doctor and Finn had been saying.
"Kurt?" Finn spoke and finally got Kurt out from his state of shock. He looked at Finn and then at the doctor with big eyes. The doctor frowned.
"Y-yes?"
"Umm, I was asking you how long he has been awake," repeated the doctor. However, it was obvious he knew that something was happening, and yet didn't say anything about it.
"I- he. Umm like twenty minutes or so," Kurt said distractedly. He looked at Finn as if he was trying to find something in him. Finn just frowned nervously and watched him in silence.
"Alright. The nurse told me you have a headache," the doctor said, turning back to Finn "Does it hurt too much?"
"It's hurting less now," said Finn. However, his eyes were still on Kurt, who wasn't looking at him anymore; instead he was staring at the sheets of the bed.
"Now I need you to tell me how you feel. Besides the pain in your head, what else do you feel? Everything is important; even the smallest detail can be very important. Tell me everything you feel… different or weird," explained the doctor. Finn looked at the ceiling and puckered his lips. Kurt watched him nervously.
"I don't know. I just... I'm tired, and... confused," murmured Finn a bit guilty, as if he was giving the wrong answer.
"You don't have to feel pressured. If something feels different, or if you start having problems talking or moving, tell me. Okay?"
"Umm, well, there's something but it's not about me."
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor, with a raised eyebrow.
Finn looked at Kurt again, but he hesitated. Kurt breathed hard, and his eyes trembled as Finn answered.
"I just, well, he looks different," Finn said, referring to Kurt.
Kurt bowed his head, and put his hand to his mouth
"Sorry Kurt, you don't look bad or anything. You just look... older" murmured Finn. His fingers played with the blanket that was covering his body.
"Older?" repeated the doctor suddenly serious. The nurse that had been writing on Finn's chart was now was looking at Finn with the same expression as the doctor. "Alright, I'll talk with your... with Mr. Hummel and we'll be right back, okay? The nurse will give you something for the pain. Don't worry, everything's going to be fine," explained the doctor, and he walked out of the room.
Finn looked at him confused and scared. But when he turned to meet Kurt's eyes; Finn watched him stand up from the chair, and leave the room too without looking back or saying anything.
The doctor walked to the nurse's area that was in front of the elevators and stopped there. Kurt stood next to him, and crossed his arms; his face was tense and his eyes showed his emotions.
"I look as old as I did three months ago or even before," he said in a high voice. He felt something in his chest, heavy like a rock, and his head was swimming with thoughts. "You know that the problem is not with me, doctor."
The doctor sighed. "Sometimes coma patients have memory problems when they wake up. In most cases they recover their memory quickly; sometimes it takes them hours or days. Just because he doesn't remember the last month or so right now, it doesn't mean he won't remember them ever again," the doctor explained calmly.
"Years," Kurt corrected with a firm expression. He was starting to get angry although he didn't know exactly why. The other man frowned, confused.
"Excuse me?" the doctor asked, and Kurt took a couple of deep breaths before answering.
"It's not months that he doesn't remember; it's years," said Kurt roughly. The doctor raised an eyebrow, expressing clearly that he didn't believe him, so Kurt explained.
"When he woke up he asked me about what had happened; he didn't even remember that he was in the hospital. So I told him that he had had an accident. I know you told us not to press him with information, but I just said that there had been an accident at the workshop, his work. And Finn... " Kurt looked down remembering, and feeling stupid because it all made sense now
"I'm sure he thought that I was referring to the work he used to do with my dad at his shop when we were in high school," he said. And then added before the doctor could object, "He asked me how my father was when I told him about the accident."
"Alright. But sir, that doesn't mean that he doesn't remember the present or even things that happened between now and then." He tried to reassure him but Kurt shook his head with a broken smile "What is it?"
Kurt's anger started to disappear; sadness and pain invaded his being. "He asked for someone else, someone that he hadn't seen in years," Kurt said despairingly. He wanted to moan, to snap something, to go and punch Finn even, because this couldn't be happening. It was ridiculous; it was madness. "Someone that I'm sure he doesn't think of very often."
The doctor surmised the meaning of that 'someone' by just looking at the grief Kurt radiated and he didn't press the subject further.
"Look, I understand, okay?" the doctor began. "But you can't just think the worst anymore. You saw him; he's so much better that I had expected. The damage in his brain was massive. He could have died, or he could have stayed in a coma forever. He could have woken up not being able to talk or think even. This" he pointed at the hallway where Finn's room was, "this is a miracle; a medical miracle. I know this is not very professional of me to say, but the truth is, when he was still in the coma I thought that if he ever did wake up, it was going to be worse. And I promise you that this is the best of the cases I've seen in patients that have been in a coma." Kurt raised one of his hands to his mouth; his eyes were trembling as the doctor explained everything with a tone that Kurt never thought he had seen in him; so human and comforting. "Now what we need to do is figure out how much he does remember and then we'll wait."
"Wait?" repeated Kurt, not understanding what the doctor meant.
"Right now, the first thing we need to check is his short-term memory. He has been awake for a small period of time, and it's worthless to determinate how his long-term memory is if his short-term memory isn't working either, okay?"
"I, yes, but how? Do you think that his short term recall is not working or what?"
"I don't know. We needed to work with him, give him a test, then repeat it to see how much he remembers and how much he doesn't," the doctor explained; his voice having returned completely professional again.
"And how many times are you going to do it? I mean, how long it will take to know if he's okay or not?" asked Kurt. He was calmer now, but still nervous and scared. The doors of the elevator opened and Carole and Burt got out. When they saw the doctor and Kurt, their expressions changed immediately to concern.
"Kurt? What happened?" asked Carole walking quickly to him, Burt behind her. "Is Finn all right?" she looked at the doctor with wide eyes.
Kurt had to explain to them what had happened when Finn had woken up, and both of them had been excited until he told them about Finn asking for Rachel. Then the doctor had told them what he had already said to Kurt about Finn's memory and what they were going to do next. Carole and Burt weren't as upset as Kurt, but they were still very concerned.
"What you need to do now is focus on what is going on and not jump to conclusions when we have not given you a diagnosis yet. We will move step by step, alright?"
"Alright. Step by step," agreed Carole. And then asked shyly, "Can I see him?"
The doctor thought about it for a few seconds before he sighed and nodded. "Yes, you may, but please do not talk about the coma or even mention his memory loss. Not yet. However, he will notice it. I mean, he noticed that Kurt looked older. He's going to suspect that something has happened."
Burt and Carole nodded in agreement. Kurt just looked at the floor; he had been quiet since the doctor had explained what had happened when Finn had woken up.
Kurt stayed out of the room for a moment. He was scared; afraid of what was going to happen if this was permanent. He couldn't even deal with the idea of what was going to happen, but the fear was big. He did his best to ignore it, but the doctor was right. It was worthless to worry about it when they didn't even know if he would remember anything from today, tomorrow. He sighed and entered the room.
Carole and Burt were next to the bed, they both were smiling and Finn was just looking at them. The doctor was the first to talk.
"How you doing, Mr. Hudson? Is the pain already gone?" asked the man. Finn nodded, his eyes on his mother. Carole smiled at him with tears in her eyes, but there was also fear, the same fear all of them had. "You know who they are?"
"Yes, of course," Finn said. Then he looked at Carole's face and then her hair; her gray hair, and it finally started to click in his mind. There was sadness in his face. "I wasn't asleep, wasn't I? The pain in my head, and their looks, I was..." He didn't complete the phrase. Kurt, who was standing next to the door, bowed his head licking his lips. The ache in his chest increased.
"Yes, you were in a coma," said the doctor compassionately. Finn breathed and looked at his body, at his right arm, at the room, and finally at the doctor. His eyes were full of disbelief, rejection, and then pain; so much pain.
"For how long?" The question came out as if it was the hardest question; like he was terrified of the answer, Kurt couldn't imagine what Finn was feeling right now. Waking up and finding out he had had an accident? And that he had been in a coma? No, it wasn't easy, not at all.
"Only two weeks," the doctor answered.
Finn frowned, obviously not believing it, because it didn't make sense, of course it didn't make sense, just like Kurt thought. Finn was looking at the three of them, and all they looked older; different. People don't change that much in two weeks. If the doctor had planned on hiding the information; it wasn't going to work for very long.
"But, how...?" Finn looked at them, especially at his mother. It seemed to break his heart seeing his mother so different. "No, for how long, how much time?" he repeated the question firmly but this time looking at Kurt. Finn was giving him that look that said 'tell me, don't lie to me', and Kurt bowed his head again not being able to stand that look; he just couldn't.
"Finn, you were in a coma only for two weeks, I promise," assured the doctor; using his name as a sign that he wasn't lying. Finn just shook his head. This time he looked for the answer in his mom's eyes. Carole nodded with sadness and pain. "Finn, I need you to tell me what's the last thing you remember."
"What?" asked Finn angrily. "It couldn't be just two weeks, not when they look so... two weeks is not that long," he murmured to himself.
"That's why I need you to tell me what's the last thing that you remember," the doctor said softly.
Finn frowned again and this time it took him longer but he finally turned to the doctor with wide eyes, his face pale. He turned around and looked at the three of them. Then he looked one more time at his own body, but this time he was watching it like he was seeing someone's else body, not his own.
"What year is it?" he asked with a trembling voice.
"Finn, just try to remember and tell me what's the last..."
"What year is it?" he asked yelling. His voice sounded hoarser like that. "Tell me!"
"Mr. Hudson, calm down, you can't..."
"What year is it!" Finn demanded, and Kurt walked to the foot of the bed looking with anger at the doctor, before turning to Finn.
"Two thousand and twenty-two!" His voice was firm and honest. Finn blinked with his mouth half opened; the doctor looked at Kurt annoyed. "Sorry, but he needed the truth; he was going go nuts if you didn't tell him when it's obvious that something is not right."
The doctor just stared at Kurt, who didn't falter at the hard look. Finally, the man sighed and turned back to Finn, who was breathing deeply and blinking his eyes. It was evident he was trying to process the information, but not being able to handle it.
"But I don't... no, how can I. Why can't I...? Oh my God!" Carole walked to him and sat in the chair next to the bed. She took Finn's hand and he squeezed, looking at her overwhelmed. "Why?"
"Shh, shh. It's okay; it's okay," she said with a broken smile. Finn shook his head again.
"Mr. Hudson, please," the doctor said, trying to sound compassionate again. But Finn didn't look at him; he focused on his mother. "It's very important for you to tell me, what's the last thing that you remember?"
"Finn, please, just think. It's going to be fine," Carole said affectionately.
"I... I don't know. I'm not sure," he said, still affected by the news.
"Try to think, Finn. What is it? What's the first thing that comes to your mind? The last memory you have?" Burt encouraged him smiling and trying to sound completely relaxed. Finn sighed; he was tired and closed his eyes trying to remember. Kurt watched him with anticipation, and seconds later Finn opened his eyes looking at the ceiling, not very sure.
"I don't know. I think I was singing, maybe?" he said and closed his eyes again trying to remember more. "No, wait, I wasn't singing, someone else was singing. Someone from Glee club was singing, but I was... swimming?"
"Swimming?" asked Carole confused. "Honey, you never sang and swam in Glee club."
"Yes we did," said Kurt disbelievingly. He was sure of the moment; maybe he didn't remember all the numbers they had done in Glee club, but he still remembered perfectly well that number in his senior year. The whole club had helped Mr. Schue propose to Miss Pillsbury by performing with synchronized swimming. It had been so long since then. And sadly, this only proved what he already knew. Finn didn't remember years of his life. "We did a performance with synchronized swimming with Mr. Schue."
"Yeah!" said Finn. He was glad that at least what he could remember wasn't part of his imagination but then he looked down with sadness. "That's not good, right?" he asked, heartbroken. "So basically I lost my memory... what happened in the accident?" His whole face was sorrowful, and he seemed terrified. And honestly, who wouldn't be after waking up and figuring out that ten years of life had gone by, and you don't remember anything about it.
Still, the doctor tried his best to explain to Finn the same things he had explained to the others earlier. They were going to focus on one thing at the moment. Finn still wasn't very convinced about the tests, and he didn't see the logic in that, but he agreed in silence, looking constantly to his mom for comfort.
"Okay, what was the animal from the card?" Kurt asked. He put down the magazine he had been pretending to read. Finn rolled his eyes and sighed with frustration.
"Dude, I told you an hour ago! Two hours ago I told my mom, the doctor, Burt, and everybody," he complained. Finn shifted, trying to find the most comfortable position on the bed, but with his right arm like that he just couldn't. He was used to leaning on the right side of his body.
Kurt didn't answer, and just stared at him with a raised eyebrow. Finn growled, and looked at the wall in front of him, frowning angrily.
"A horse, and the object is a blue truck and the place is a forest," he said peeved and tired. "Look, my short memory is just fine. Could you stop with the questions, please?"
"Short-term memory," corrected Kurt and Finn snorted. "I'm sorry, Finn but the doctor said you needed to be tested every hour, this is for your own good, at least try to do your part without complaining." He was tired too; it was close to nine p.m., and his eyes were barely staying open. He hadn't slept at all in more than twenty-four hours.
Finn's bad attitude was starting to annoy him. The fact that the doctor had prohibited them from giving Finn any essential information, coupled with Finn not being interested in knowing anything about the future didn't help to improve Kurt's mood either. Who on earth wouldn't be interested in their future if they didn't have a clue about what had happened in the last ten years? It was ridiculous! The only questions that Finn kept asking were about the past. Did we win regionals? Did I pass my Spanish test? Was I finally able to dance without hurting Rachel? The only question he had asked about the future was if everybody was still alive. Kinda creepy… but understandable.
"I... sorry," Finn apologized genuinely embarrassed. Kurt sighed and shook his head making him understand that it was okay.
They didn't say anything else after that. Kurt went back to pretending to read his magazine and Finn just stared at the ceiling; both of them immersed in their own thoughts. Carole and Burt had gone to Finn and Kurt's house to shower and change their clothes. After a couple of minutes of discussion, they had decided that Carole would stay at night with Finn. Kurt wasn't happy about it since he was the one that had always stayed with Finn during the night. However, Burt had told him that Finn would find it weird if he stayed with him instead of his mother. He also made a point of saying that Kurt needed to sleep in a bed for once since the accident had happened. So now Kurt was there with Finn waiting for Carole and Burt to come. Then he would leave with his father to go back to his house and come back the next morning.
At least he was going to see Elizabeth; he really missed her. The past two weeks he had barely had any time to see his daughter. So now he was going to tell her that her daddy was awake again, and she'd see him very soon. Though there was a huge possibility that her own father wouldn't recognize her. The idea of that happening to Elizabeth broke his heart, so Kurt tried to think of something else.
"I did propose her, right? I asked her to marry me, didn't I?" Finn broke the silence with a shy voice. He was playing with the blanket, and not raising his eyes from there.
Kurt gulped, and looked at him tensely. Rachel again. "Finn, no. I'm not... stop it"
Finn turned to him, begging him with his eyes, those eyes, and that hurt Kurt even more. What did Finn expect him to do? Start talking about Rachel? About their stupid idea of getting married when they were still in high school? About what had happened then? No, he was not going through that.
"Kurt, please. I just want to know what happened. I asked her to marry me, that's the last thing I remember, and I really need to know."
"I thought the last thing you remembered was the performance at the pool," objected Kurt with a raised eyebrow and a rough voice.
"I did, but then that memory came and I didn't want to say anything in front of my mom and your dad, I don't even know what happened next and if they know it'd probably be embarrassing."
Kurt blinked slowly and went back to his 'reading'; he felt offended and hurt. It wasn't Finn's fault that he didn't remember, but the fact that he was bringing up Rachel again hurt him, and he just couldn't help it. The whole wedding incident was something that he had never accepted during high school. It had made him suffer more than he would admit to himself or anyone at the moment. And for some reason, now being married to Finn didn't give him the same comfort that it always had given him before when he, randomly, remembered that time of their life.
"Well, you should wait and maybe more memories will come back to you and you won't need me to tell you anything," he said to Finn coldly not raising his eyes from the magazine.
"Oh, dude, come on! Just tell me, and I won't ask you anything else, I promise," Finn insisted.
Kurt breathed faster trying not to lose control, he was angrier. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because she's my girlfriend"
"She's not your girlfriend anymore; she's not your wife either!" Kurt said almost yelling and dropping the magazine. His face was turning red. "Do you see her around here? Do you hear someone of us talking about her, mentioning her to you? No! That doesn't give you the enough information? You're not together anymore, Finn!"
Finn's eyes were wide. "Fine! I get it, okay? She's not here, and we're not together anymore. I get it. Just don't yell at me."
Kurt didn't answer. He was still angry, and he knew that he had been cruel, but he just couldn't believe that, after all the hell he had been through, Rachel was coming back to his life. She was still getting between them, and he hated that he couldn't even tell the truth. He couldn't tell Finn why he felt like that about the subject of Rachel. Maybe it was a good thing that he was going back home for tonight. He needed a break, and he needed to relax so he wouldn't lose control like he was doing right now. As the silence wrapped around them, and the minutes passed, Kurt felt the need to reassure Finn again. He still felt sad, and angry although, not with Finn anymore. He was angry at everything, and he was sad because he didn't know what was going to happen to them. It hurt him to have his husband in front of him, alive and talking, and not be able to tell him how much he loved him, or kiss him. He really hoped that tomorrow everything would start to get better, and Finn's memory would recover. Kurt needed him back completely; he needed his husband.
"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have yelled," Kurt said suddenly, looking ashamed. "I'm just... I'm tired" he lied because there was nothing else he could say without revealing the truth. Finn looked at him with those big eyes. He knew Finn could tell he was lying, but he didn't say anything, and Finn didn't object.
Kurt's phone sounded, and he opened it. "It's my dad," he said, reading the text. "I have to go so Carole can come. I... I'm really sorry" he apologized again, and Finn shrugged. Well, kind of.
"Don't worry, bro. No hard feelings."
Bro. His chest felt so heavy, and it hurt, it hurt a lot. Kurt wanted to cry, but he didn't do it. He just smiled at him; he knew that it looked fake and Finn would notice, but there wasn't too much he could do or say.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he said and Finn nodded. Kurt stayed there for a second; he wanted to lean down and give him a goodbye kiss as he had done every time he had to leave the room, but he couldn't. Even a kiss on the cheek would look weird. So he just patted his knee and stood up getting out of the room quickly, trying to keep his head up. He was trying to demonstrate that he was okay, and not show how much he was suffering inside.
"Eat more, Kurt. You're so skinny that I'm afraid you'll disappear at any moment"
"I'm full, Mercedes. I ate enough," complained Kurt. He gave his food to Elizabeth, who was quiet and sleepy, just like her father.
"You barely touched the meat."
"You know I don't eat that much meat. It's not very healthy and I don't think it's the best thing to eat just before going bed," explained Kurt. He gave more carrot puree to the girl, but she swung her head, her eyes half closed. "All right, no more food for you. Come here." He cleaned her face and unbuckled the seat belt so he could hold her in his arms. Elizabeth buried her head immediately in his shoulder with her eyes already shut. Kurt rubbed her back, smiling. He loved the weight of his daughter when he was holding her; it gave him the tranquility he needed so much right now. "Oh, don't bother, I'll do that," said Kurt softly when Mercedes started to grab for the dishes from the table. The woman just smiled and kept on doing it.
"You go and put that little girl to bed, and then go to sleep yourself. You're exhausted, Kurt," said Mercedes, pointing at him with a finger, and now cleaning the table. Kurt didn't argue; she was right. He still felt bad from what had happened with Finn earlier at the hospital. He had already talked to Mercedes, and now he just felt like sleeping, and nothing more. His dad had decided to stay at the hospital in the waiting room so he could be there in case something came up. "You want me to stay?" asked Mercedes, when she had finished. Kurt had waited until he was sure that Elizabeth wouldn't wake up when he'd laid her down in her crib.
"You have to go to work tomorrow."
"I don't care; I can wake up early and just go home, change, and then go to work. I'm asking you if you want me to stay tonight with you," she said firmly and Kurt nodded softly. He felt embarrassed, but he didn't want to spend the night alone. He felt so sad, and Elizabeth was there, but it wasn't the same. Mercedes was what he needed now, his best friend. "Okay, let's go to bed then."
When they were in bed Mercedes just held him not saying anything, she didn't need to, and Kurt just let out the silent tears. He wasn't sobbing, there weren't too many tears, but each one represented the hurt he was feeling, Mercedes hummed softly until the exhaustion won, and Kurt finally fell asleep.
The next morning Kurt was still tired, but at least his mind was completely awake. Mercedes was taking a shower so she wouldn't have to go to her apartment, change and then go to work. Kurt had already bathed; now he was trying to convince Elizabeth to look at the camera of his phone but she was playing with her shoes. Kurt had given her bath and put her in a dress, that he had bought a month ago for a special occasion. It was a beautiful purple dress and the little girl looked adorable in it.
"Elizabeth, turn to the camera," Kurt coaxed, taking a picture when she did it. However, he deleted it because it had come out blurry. "One more time, turn to me, Elizabeth." The girl was bubbling and then she took off one of her shoes and put it in her mouth "No, don't eat that, honey." Kurt approached her and tried to take the shoe, but she just laughed and bit it. The shoe was now all wet from her saliva. "Oh, Elizabeth, that's new. You don't eat your shoes, you don't eat your clothes," he said to her, and she yelled with excitement. Kurt took advantage of that and snapped another photo. He looked at it not sure if it worked because Elizabeth had her mouth wide open, but at least it wasn't blurry.
"Kurt? What are you doing?" Mercedes demanded, walking to them. Her hair was wet, and she smelled like his shampoo and soap.
"I'm trying to take her picture but she decided that her shoes are edible," murmured Kurt trying to fix Elizabeth's dress, but the girl started to play with his hand. She was really happy that morning, and Kurt smiled at her playing with his hand.
"But why? Why do you want a picture of... what is this?" asked Mercedes looking inside the bag that was next to her cellphone on the night table. There were several personal objects. She frowned and looked up at her friend. "Kurt, what are all these things? Why did you put them in the bag?" she asked although she already knew the answer, Kurt pretended not to hear her while he was trying to put the shoe on his daughter. "Kurt."
"I need them," murmured Kurt still not looking at her, Mercedes raised an eyebrow.
"You need them?" She grabbed an object from the bag; it was a picture of Kurt and Finn's wedding, they were just looking at each other and smiling in the picture. It was Kurt's favorite picture of their wedding. Their eyes were so full of love; someone had taken it without telling them. Mercedes sighed and then took out a cd; it was their wedding video. Then she took out a small book pictures; there were photos from Elizabeth when she was still a little baby, there were pictures from Christmas of last year, Burt and Carole were in the pictures. There was also one of herself with Kurt and Elizabeth and another with Finn, both laughing. "Kurt, what are you doing? The doctor told you that you can't tell him about how is his life now, you need to give him time and see if he recovers his memory naturally"
"He won't," Kurt said. He finished putting the shoe on his daughter. "I'm just going to show him the picture that I just took of Elizabeth and see what happens, all right? I'm taking all that, in case it is necessary."
"Necessary? Kurt, you can't disobey the doctor's orders. If he said that you shouldn't tell him anything it is for a reason. You don't know how he's going to react if you just come up and tell him that you're married, and you have a daughter. It might be bad for his recovery"
"Of course it won't be bad for his recovery. I'm trying to help him recover his memory, okay?" Kurt walked to the other side of the room looking for something in the closet. Mercedes groaned with exasperation.
"No, Kurt, you're not going that. You can't go and tell him that, you know this is not a good idea. You don't even know how he is this morning. You don't know if he has remembered more stuff…."
Kurt turned to her with dark eyes.
"In fact, I do know. My dad sent me a text a couple of minutes ago, and he told me that there is no change. He doesn't remember anything after that stupid performance. Of course my dad and Carole don't know that the last memory he actually has is the moment when he asked Rachel Berry to marry him," Kurt said his voice showing how he really felt. "So that's why I'm grabbing these things, I'm just going to help him to remember that he has a family, that he has a daughter."
Mercedes looked at him with sympathy and sadness, but she was not going to let him do that, not when she knew it could affect Finn.
"It all sucks, I know. So I also know how much it hurts you, but Finn doesn't need to be pushed like that, Kurt, not now. You need to wait, be patient..."
"I've been patient for weeks, Mercedes. I've waited enough; I can't wait longer," he said putting his hands on his hips and then dropping them. "Maybe with one of the pictures he'll remember, maybe that's what he needs."
"No, you need that. What he needs now is understanding; from the people who love him, the people he loves. You don't know how that might affect him. You can't tell if he'll take it well."
"Neither does the doctor. Nobody can tell that, and it's not like I'm going to yell the truth at him. I'll just... give him a push."
"Kurt, please. Don't." She sat on the bed next to Elizabeth and Kurt crossed his arms. He seemed very unwilling to change his mind. "These things take their time; you don't know what will happen today, or tomorrow. You don't know what he might remember from a moment to another."
Kurt snorted smiling bitterly.
"Right, because that's how things work all the time. One moment they don't remember and the next a miracle happens; boom, it's like nothing bad happened," Kurt objected resentfully.
"Okay, that's enough. Sit down," Mercedes demanded harshly.
"What? Are you going to spank me?" Kurt replied indignantly.
"Hell yes, I'll do it if you keep acting like a child!" she pointed to the bed. "Sit down."
Kurt snorted again and sat next to her with his legs and arms crossed, Mercedes took a deep breath before talking.
"I know this is not easy to handle and all you want is for Finn to recover his memory, but you know this is not the way to help him. You know that pushing him to remember is not the best right now. It hasn't even been a week since he woke up. And I know you're tired of being patient but that's the only thing you can do." As she was talking, Kurt's hard expression softened and the same look of sadness he'd been wearing for weeks came back to his face.
"I just want him back," Kurt whispered leaning down his head. He could hear Elizabeth babbling behind him, attempting to eat her shoe again.
"I know, honey. We all want that too. However, it's not your job, and pushing him won't help." She hugged his shoulders. "He's alive, Kurt, he is alive and awake, and he is not paralyzed. Finn can even talk and get angry and cry. Don't you see it? He might not remember things that are important, Kurt. But he's here with us when we all could have lost him in that accident; just... stop seeing the worst when there are so many exceptional things that have happened. If he's going to recover his memory, it's going to happen when it has to. Meanwhile, you'll be there supporting him and helping him to feel better. He still needs you, maybe not the way you would like him to, but he needs his friend, his stepbrother. I'm sure that eventually he'll need his husband too."
Kurt nodded silently, but he felt so despondent. Mercedes put her face in his shoulder holding him around his waist.
"You have to go to work. And I have to take Elizabeth to school and then go to the hospital," Kurt murmured a few minutes later, standing up from the bed. He was still weary and even apathetic, but he didn't take the bag with the pictures. He just grabbed Elizabeth and her diaper bag. Mercedes stared at him with worried eyes. Kurt sighed. "Look, I got it, pushing is not the way to help, and I won't do anything, okay? I'm just... so tired"
"I know, sweetie, I know," she responded sympathetically. "Let's go, okay?" I'll come out in the afternoon. I want to see him awake and hug him. Hey, I could even convince him that he wasn't in coma but he just traveled to the future without noticing."
Kurt smiled softly. "Don't, he'll believe you"
"That's the point," she responded with a smirk.