New Start Plus: in spaaaaace!

by omaster43

Nick Walters and his merry band of misfits are back with a story about helping Shepard and crew fight giant eldritch robot abominations, most likely through Dumb magic and crazy shenanigans This is a continuation of my previous story, so reading that one first is recommended. but I'm not your nanny you wanna be confused that's your choice. Oc-insert, just came from Dragon age

2. Chapter 2 Somewhere over the Horizon

Ch. 2

Somewhere over the horizon

-/-

Shepard POV

"We need to make this quick, Joker is losing his mind downstairs," I ordered, walking into the meeting room. Chakwas and Mordin were running every legal test in the book, and some that were definitely shady, trying to understand what Nick did.

"You picked up quite the crowd this time Commander," Jacob commented standing next to Miranda in the meeting room.

"It's a bit snug in here~," Nick drawled, waving his hand making the room grow and giving us plenty of elbow room while freaking Jacob out as he looked at the newly expanded room in shock and confusion.

"WHA!? The room!? What!? How!?" Jacob was spinning around, waving his hands at the spot the wall used to be.

Was I that panicky 6 hours ago? Man~, have I grown. "Calm down Jacob, it's clearly magic," I answered.

"What!? What the hell are you talking about? Magic isn't real!" Jacob, nooo~.

"YOU DARE QUESTION MY POWER JACOB TAYLOR!?" Nick shouted, jumping on top of the meeting table.

"How do you know my name!?"

"CLOTHES BEAM!" Nick yelled shooting some kind of laser... at Miranda. One second, she was wearing her usual skin-tight onesie, and the next she was wearing a metal bikini with leather gloves and boots, she even had a sword. She was every teenager's wet dream.

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.

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"Mmm, Magic you say?" Jacob relaxed, allowing his alliance training to take over allowing him to roll with the punches. Unfortunately, in his new relaxed stance, he couldn't dodge Miranda's dope slap to the back of his head. "ACK! That stings! You used biotics!" he hissed hunched over holding the back of his head.

"What the hell!? Why did you use your powers on me!?" Miranda screamed, covering her body.

Nick gave her an uncaring shrug, "You're his commanding officer, you're supposed to have a handle over your subordinates." What a flimsy excuse.

"Can you change me back?" she tried to sound polite, but it only came out as a hiss.

"I can, yes~," he smiled back, getting off the table, and dusting off his hands.

"... are you going to?" her eye was twitching.

"No," he answered reaching into his pocket and dropping small listening devices on the table. "Next time... I burn all your clothes and leave you with nipple pasties."

The room went quiet, "...you're an unknown," Miranda justified.

"And you're a terrorist," Nick countered. "I wanna be friends Miranda, I really do, but you're making that hard, like every lonely teenage boy you walk by... we already started off on a bad foot, and your unhealthy snooping isn't helping your case, but I'm a reasonable man. So, I'm going to give you one last shot at friendship and camaraderie before I get annoying, and as proof, I will warn you about runes~. I'm sure you've seen them on my gateway, correct?" she nodded. "Good-good, Runes are a dangerous form of magic, unlike the charm I used on this room to expand the space, when applied correctly, Runes can do the same but permanently. No doubt you've already sent a picture to your boss and I have no doubt he already has a bunch of, more than dubious, scientists to copy and create their own. I'm only going to say this once... Runes are dangerous... Most of the time anyone who makes and creates runes has years of study under their belt, they know how rune lines work, how to place them, and how much Mana they need to make them start."

"And if you don't know all that?" I asked, not liking how slowly he explained everything.

"Depending on the rune~, it can vary from just an embarrassing failure to horribly catastrophic. One of the first runes most crafters make is Light, three simple lines and a minimum of power. Easy way to gain money, everyone wants light, and runes tend to last forever, but if you make the lines too small, or start on the wrong line, or if the material you're using as a base is too weak, or if you make a mistake on creating the line, or maybe you just had an off day, that usually results in an explosion. Nothing too dangerous, you might be missing an eyebrow or two, it is only a light rune after all, but it does teach you the dangers of playing with runes. You no doubt have seen the many runes circling my gateway," we nodded, "And how they seem to combine into sentences? That's because they are. They're rune sentences, and where one rune may ruin your day, a sentence, will kill you, and the person next to you, and the person in the other room, and everyone in between."

"That sounds dangerous," Jacob muttered.

"Very," Nick deadpanned, "I would recommend you call your boss and tell him to postpone any tests, or if the scientists are suicidal to do their testing away from a population."

"You don't seem to care about the men and women who might put themselves in harm's way to advance humanity," Miranda hissed.

"What do I care if terrorists kill themselves?" Nick shrugged, "I did just give you a warning, what you do with that is your own business. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"You warn us but aren't willing to teach us?" she huffed.

"... you know what? You're right." oh~, I don't like that look in his eyes. "When we're finished here, I'm going downstairs and teaching Grunt... everything... I know about magic." I don't think the Galaxy could handle that.

"You're bluffing." Miranda hissed.

"OH~, you shouldn't have done that!" Dagna, the woman to Nick's right, laughed. As Nick marched out of the room.

"Where's he going? What's he doing!?" Miranda yelled.

"He's going to teach the young krogan magic," Ava answered in a monotone voice as if Nick did stuff like that all the time.

"He can't!"

"Says who? You?" Lyna, Ava's twin sister, laughed. "The moment you said he couldn't, nothing short of Grunt himself denying Nick's offer is going to stop him. I'm surprised you're okay with that Dagna."

The dwarf shrugged, "From our training in the arena, Grunt's more of a battle tank, which is perfect for more powerful spell testing. Besides Nick told me I was almost ready to gain my own apprentice, well at least to teach the basics. It might be up to me to teach him a thing or two."

"You're not worried that he might make a monster!?" Miranda questioned. I'm not going to lie I was also a little worried.

"Monster? Have you seen Grunt?" Jak asked, "He's a kid," are we looking at the same krogan? "Nick is many things, dangerous, pervy, sometimes lazy, but he's not a monster, never a monster, Nick thinks all children are idiot adults, that they need guidance, attention, goals, and someone to teach them right from wrong. He sees Grunt as a child."

"Grunt is a 6-foot, 700-pound, armored behemoth," Jacob corrected.

"And a child," Ayla added. "Shepard, you saw Grunt's soul, right?" I nodded; it was... smaller than most. I thought it might be a krogan thing. "It's small, young, and confused. When was Grunt born?"

"Uhm... about 2 weeks ago~, he was made in a tank."

"That's probably why Nick's acting like a papa bear, he believes Grunt needs someone to look after him, someone that can help him navigate the world around him," Neria pointed out.

"He adopted a krogan~?" Miranda drawled.

They shrugged, "Nick adopted a dragon as his sister," Sereda commented, jutting her thumb at Astral, who was eating some chips, where the hell did she get those from?

"He didn't adopt me! He just fed me, gave me money, got me a job, and a nice cave, taught me how to read and write, practiced new poses with me, made sure my blanket was warm before I went to bed, and made sure there weren't shiny metal eaters in my closet," she scoffed. Mmm, that sounded a lot like a caring older brother. "Like a chump!" and you sound like a bratty sister.

"EDI, where's Nick now?" I asked to the ceiling.

"Mister Walters is waiting by the elevator," she answered. Goddamn, we need to fix those, he left like 6 minutes ago.

"Right, come with me, I'll lead you to your new rooms." Might as well try and talk some sense into Nick on the ride down.

"Oh, we'll be okay with just a broom closet," Ayla said.

"A broom closet?" I asked. She waved to the room we were in, "Right~, you can just make it bigger. How big can you make it?"

Ayla shrugged, "It depends on what the Normandy is made of and how much magic Nick puts into it, he could easily make a room the same size as the ship itself." That would be trippy as all hell.

"EDI?" I called out.

"There's an extra utility room on the third-floor commander," she answered.

"Will that be ok?" I asked.

Jak nodded, "that should be fine."

-/-

Nick POV

Thump thump thump went Dogmeat's tail on the elevator's floor.

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I took a deep breath, "So Shepard... care to explain how you own a ship that's faster than light but an elevator slower than dirt?"

"It's all about power distribution, the engines needed more power than the elevator," he answered, scratching his neck.

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Thump thump thump

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"They tell you that hogwash?" I asked.

"... yep."

God damnit. The damn thing took over 5 minutes to reach the second level and now it was taking another 5 to get to level three!

"I'm going to have to fix this... aren't I?" I muttered.

"... I won't say no to that." he sighed, rubbing his neck.

.

Thump thump thump

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"Is there any way for me to stop you from giving Grunt magic?" he asked. He was now flexing his back, trying to relieve some muscles.

"Nope."

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Thump thump thump

.

He gave a light cough, twisting a bit "So... how was your day?"

Sweet cheese and crackers! "... I wanted to go to the Beach dimension. Now... I'm on a spaceship off to fight ancient eldritch abominations... so... it could be better."

"mmm... I know the feeling... I had to pick up a package once, and now I'm doing the same." he muttered rubbing his head as if he was covered with lice. What the hell's wrong with this guy?

Ding!

THANK GOD!

The Normandy's crew quarters were a bit too... spartan, nothing was decorated or made to be relaxed in, it was a place to get food and get out. I'm going to have to fix this place.

"Ms. Moreau, is Grunt in here?" I definitely should have said something earlier, but I was too embarrassed with everyone joining me in the damn elevator.

"Yes, Mister Walters, he is eating at the moment, I would recommend you wait for him to finish. Also, I'm not married to Lt. Moreau," she logged out.

"Oh~, teasing her is going to be fun~," Julee snickered.

"You think we can make her blush," I smirked.

"Walters, I forbid you from doing this," Miranda called out shoving people out of the way as she exited the elevator.

"I mean, it's not like it's hurtful teasing~," I shrugged, "And if she wants, I could make her a body. I'll have you know I've created a vagina that worked so well that I got a handshake and nod from a Sten, I know you don't know what a Sten is, but trust me, that's high praise."

"What? No! Not that! But also, don't do that. I'm talking about giving Grunt magic! He can't handle it!" she hissed.

"Oh~, what do you know about magic Miranda?" I rolled my eyes, "You who barely learned about magic this morning? I can tell you for a fact that humans could barely understand magic, Tieflings, like Jak and Julee, and elves, like Lyna, Neria, and Ava, are far better at controlling and using magic," I huffed. "But do you know what humanity is seen as in the multiverse?" she nodded. "we're terrifying monsters~."

"What?"

"Oh sure, there are other races who you would call evil, Devils like Jak and Julee's gran-gran," the girls nodded, "Mind flayers are assholes, and killing them would probably get you a medal. But there is only one race that is as savage and violent as they are petty, and they will endlessly pursue their foes even to their own detriment, I'm referring of course, to the humans, almost every other race regards humans as a virus, capable of spreading and adapting to almost any location, even the races that are allied with us are amazed at how quickly they can figure things out and how much they can accomplish with their short life spans. Every race knows just how dangerous a human's ambition is, a good human on the path of righteousness could reshape the galaxy for good, and an evil human fueled by vengeance could bring down an empire or even a god. No Miranda, I don't 'think' you can handle magic, I know you can't." Walking into the cafeteria, I almost broke down into tears.

"You, okay?" Jak asked, gently rubbing my back.

"Look how sad and pathetic this kitchen is," I turned to Miranda and Shepard, "have you no shame?"

"What?" Shepard asked

"Shepard, my buddy my friend my pal, your team is motivated by your goal to save humanity, but they work with the rations they are given, you are a military man. You know what it is like to eat calories, tasteless, bland, calories, did you like, your tasteless bland calories?"

"... no."

"NO! Nobody does!" I turned from him and walked into the middle of the room, "WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS KITCHEN!?" I might have unleashed my Intimidation skill a bit because everyone was frozen to their spot. "Answer me," I growled.

"T-that would be me." a man saluted

Human mess sergeant

Rupert Gardner

Age: 48

Lvl: 6

HP 100/100

MP 1/1

Before joining Cerberus, Gardner used to be a family man, working the element zero rigs along the frontier colonies. Though he was happy, he lost everything to batarian raiders and later joined Cerberus to make a difference. Remarking upon his own skills as a jack-of-all-trades, Gardner quips that he handles any task, including janitorial duties and plumbing, that "falls through the cracks". He concedes that he can't fight, but is still willing to help in any way possible.

He is terrified

"Congratulations Gardner, you've been promoted. You are now my sous chef. You no longer work for Cerberus, or Miranda, or Shepard, I don't give a damn if the Illusive man, Admiral Hackett, and Councilor Anderson, walk into this room right now demanding a Goddamn sandwich, you tell them to sit down and enjoy whatever you wanna make them. Am I understood?"

"I-I-"

"That was a rhetorical question Gardner, whatever you were before no longer matters, you work for me now. When we are in the kitchen you answer me with 'yes head-chef', do you understand~." his eyes flashed to Miranda, and I intensified my intimidation skill making anything not nailed down vibrate, "Do, you, under, stand."

"Y-yes head chef!"

"Good." I leashed my intimidation skill, bringing the pressure in the room back to normal. I placed my hand on the kitchen counter.

Do you wish to Modify Normandy's kitchen to your preferred settings?

Cost: 1 mini-arc reactor, 120 fire-bricks, 15 iron ingots, 15 steel ingots, 3 titanium ingots, 50 square feet of marble, rune work (Expert), and 600 MP

Warning! The area is too small; do you wish to use space-expanding runes to grow the area?

Cost: +300 MP

Yes

The room lit up and morphed around us, expanding to thrice its original size, making plenty of room for my beautiful kitchen. I walked over and let my hand dance across the white marble counter. Opening the fridge, I was disappointed by its small size and its small collection of food, I gave Shepard some side-eye.

Do you wish to modify Normandy's fridge to your Preferred settings?

Cost: 13 stainless steel ingots, 1 mini-arc reactor, rune work (expert}, and 400 MP

Accepting. The fridge grew an extra 2 feet. Opening the door, I was greeted by its huge open area filled with empty shelves. Summoning 4 maid-golems and an expanded crate of food, and had them start putting things away. Turning to the rest of the crew, they just stared in awe at the new space and watched the maids walk into a fridge that once couldn't pack enough for 2 months, carrying enough food to feed an army.

"Gardner," he snapped to attention, "get familiar with the kitchen. This is now your domain, Commander Shepard rules the battlefield, you rule the kitchen, don't worry about any other duties," I summoned another 4 Maid-golem, all of them looking like French maids with a glowing runic broom with cleaning spells, and a repair rune, on their left palm, "They will keep the ship clean and things repaired. And dress like you mean it." I shot him with a clothes beam turning his Cerberus uniform, into a pristine chef outfit, white, pressed, buttoned, with a hat.

"Yes, head chef!" he saluted, good, he was learning, and ran into the fridge, "IT'S HUGE!?"

Looking over I found Grunt looking at me with large dilated pupils. "Grunt, come here." He just looked at me, "If you don't come here, I will go there. You don't want that young man," I warned.

He huffed, "Whatever," he got up and walked over to me.

Krogan youngling

(No clan) Grunt

Lvl: 25

Age: 2 weeks (Tank born)

HP 600/600

CP 30/30

Str: he's not Steve Rogers by the could give a clean right hook

Vit: he has the ability to regenerate lost HP

Dex: he's a walking tank

Int: Smash!

Wis: Smash harder!

Cha: No Krogan lady is going to mate with a clanless loser

Luk: he's getting to fight the ultimate enemy

Ailments:

Genophage (1500 MP)

Growing rage (40 MP, will return if cured until he joins a clan)

1 cavity (2 MP)

A genetically engineered krogan super soldier. Bred and educated in a tank, he was intended to exemplify the best traits of the krogan and help reinvigorate his species. In the meantime, he fights alongside Commander Shepard to satisfy his natural desire for violence.

He respects your strength

"How have you been sleeping?" I asked moving around him, checking his eyes, arms, muscles, and tail.

"What do you care- ACK!?" he choked as I opened his mouth to check his teeth, Krogan were omnivores but had more molars for munching, so unless the animals of Tuchanka were extra chewy, which I wouldn't rule out, Krogan had a heavy plant diet.

"You haven't been brushing your teeth," I let go of his mouth.

"Gross! I got the taste of human in my mouth," he gagged.

"Don't change the subject," I huffed.

"Why should I!? I can just pluck it out and have a new one grow in," he huffed.

"Because it could get infected! Do you wanna spend your time in the med lab getting talked down to by Chakwas?" This brat, he's been getting away with this nonsense cause he's a krogan.

"I don't care!"

"Don't you yell at me!" I pinched his cheek, "I thought you were a super krogan? Are you telling me a super krogan can't brush his teeth?" I asked, letting go of his face.

"The toothpaste tastes gross," he muttered, rubbing the pain out of his cheek.

Sighing, I touched his jaw and healed his tooth. "Here," I summon one of Sky's and Astral's meat-flavored and non-toxic toothpaste, "this one tastes like meat. Brush twice a day." and passed him an oversized toothbrush. "Now, how are you feeling?"

"Tsk, I'm fine," he growled and looked away.

"Don't you lie to me Grunt; you've been getting angrier faster and faster haven't you." He gave me a wide side-eye.

"I! How?" he muttered

"I'm a mage young man, I know things, magic things~. do you know what your growing rage means?" he shook his head, looking at me with wide eyes, like a child who was just told they can have candy if they paid attention, "It means you're growing up, and you're going to need to join a clan."

"A clan~," his voice was filled with so much awe.

"Yep~," I turned to the rest of the crew who were just looking at me wide-eyed, "Shepard, we're going to have to take Grunt to Tuchanka soon, our krogan boy is becoming a krogan man."

"Is uh, that necessary?" he asked.

"Yeah~, it's like super-fast Krogan puberty, if we don't, he'll just bottle up his frustration and lash out at people," I answered.

"Mmm, I know a guy, I'll... make some calls," he muttered.

"Thanks, now Grunt, I also came to see if you wanted to learn magic," I offered.

"Magic? Like how you can fade through things, and shoot fireballs!?"

"Yep~! Ya wanna learn?" I grinned.

"Heck yeah!" He started thrusting his hands out like he was throwing fireballs.

I laughed, "Alright-alright, calm down, here," I summoned a magical redwood golem and connected its magic core to Grunt's nonexistent one. It was still so weird to see people with so little mana that my observation skill didn't even display it. The little golem jumped into Grunt's hands before it morphed to look like a little krogan warrior, and then into a wooden sword.

"FIREBALL!" he thrust the blade out, only to get a tiny spark, "Hey? What happened?" Dagna and I gave a soft laugh. "What's so funny?" he huffed.

"It's good to see you're excited but you have to start small before you go big, are Krogans born battle masters or do they work for the title?" I teased.

"They work for it," he muttered.

"That's right, Now go sit down and get acquainted with your golem, Name it, give it orders, teach it how to flex, and you start training tomorrow," I shooed him away. "I'll get you something 'good' to eat," whatever Gardner made before looked like sad slop.

-/-

Shepard POV

I was looking over a snoring Joker, "So, how is he?" I asked Chakwas, Ayla, and Mordin, at this point I just wanted to ignore what was happening outside. After Nick and Gardner, made enough food to feed the ship twice over, he disappeared with his crew into the broom closet, returning not 30 minutes later, looking like he just came out of a relaxing shower. Must have been nice~, I felt like I'd been bathed in itching powder.

He then started decorating the crew quarters, it looked like an actual living room, with couches, tables, and carpet floors away from the kitchen area, this place was actually looking like the luxury ship it pretended to be.

Grunt was playing with his new toy that copied his every movement and would occasionally shoot out sparks and tiny roars. He really is a kid, Nick told me not to think like that, Grunt was a fully grown Krogan with all the dangers that come with it, but he never had a childhood, he just didn't know how to act around people and small normal things that we had during our childhoods fascinated him. I don't know how to feel about that, when I freed him, he acted like a stereotypical Krogan, big, mean, and gruff, with nothing to tell me he was a child in a man's body, I needed to take him to Tuchanka and have Wrex look him over.

"Jeff is fine, he'll be sore for a few days, but he'll walk it off," Chakwas answered, looking over data in her computer

"No muscles for running. Micro-tears. Sore. Have a workout schedule for muscle growth." Mordin added, looking at his omni-tool. "His DNA has been changed."

"That doesn't sound good."

"Structure intact. No mutation. Precise, cut out Joker's disease, replaced with normal code... to all cells. Impossible. But true." he muttered, looking through his data for what I imagine must have been for the millionth time.

"So, it's a good thing?" I asked, tapping my foot, it felt like I had a rock in my shoe.

Chakwas nodded, "Mmm? Oh yes. Joker will make a full recovery; already gave the chef a list of food Joker will need for faster recovery. Should be ready for work in the morning." good-good-good, I think I finally got the spot on my lower back, "Shepard?"

"Mmm?" I asked scratching away.

"Why are you scratching yourself?" Mordin asked, I froze at the question.

"uh~, I'm... itchy?" I answered/questioned.

"Hold still," Chakwas ordered, taking a scan of my body. "Mmm, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you. Can you tell me when this started?"

"Uhhhh~, when I got back to the ship, I think. I can't remember." I huffed, it was getting worse, at first, it was somewhere I could reach, but now it was moving to... Inappropriate places.

"Well, you don't have anything. Mordin?" Chakwas asked.

"Mmm, have you had any intercourse lately?" he asked also giving me a scan.

"No."

"Mmm~, have you eaten anything weird?"

"Um, only what Nick and Gardner made," I answered looking at Ayla.

She shrugged, "Nick does like testing new food without telling us, but he always tests it first."

"What does he feed you?" I needed to know.

"Sea King, a species of ocean life about 2 to 4 miles in size, probably more, never got to see one, it melts in your mouth~!" 2 MILES!? The hell!?

"Impossible. Too big. What does it eat?" Mordin asked.

"Anything it wants." That sent a shiver up my spine. "There were phoenix eggs, Hydra neck, Basilisk thighs, Kraken tentacles, Chimera... everything. But we've never gotten sick."

"Nor have any of the crew who has eaten lunch and dinner," Chakwas pointed out.

"OH!" Ayla jumped, "Maybe the Maker is trying to tell you something!"

"Like what? 'Shepard, you need to go to the Dagoba system, there you will meet your trainer?'" I snarked scratching my neck, it was getting worse.

"Why don't you ask?" Ayla drawled.

"I left my weapon upstairs, let me go get it real quick."

"No need!" she called out, "It's part of your soul, just will it to you."

"What~, is it going to fly down here?" How is it going to press the elevator buttons?

"Just call it~," she huffed, "remember what you felt like when you used your magic in the arena?" How could I forget? I've never felt so strong, it was insane. Taking a deep breath, I reached out for my weapon. "See, easy~," Ayla spoke up. What? Opening my eyes, I found my new heavy pistol in my hands, I didn't even feel it.

"Okay? now what?" I looked at the holy weapon.

"Pray."

Closing my eyes and took another deep breath. What am I supposed to do?

"None under you shall wear chains!"

I dropped the gun and backed away, "The Hell!?"

"What's wrong!?" Chakwas asked.

"I don't know, he said something about people under me not wearing chains." the itchiness returned to an all-time high.

"Chains... Do you have slaves Shepard?" Ayla gave me a disappointed look.

"What? NO! Don't say something so stupid." Damn! My skin was going crazy!

"Mmm~, not all chains are physical, is there someone in your crew that isn't allowed any freedom, to just leave, maybe forced to kneel?" Ayla asked. Every time I reach the location of the itch it just jumps to another location.

"No, everyone is allowed to-" I froze and slowly turned my head to the end of the med-lab... to the AI core.

And the itch disappeared, it felt like someone rubbed Medi-gel on a sunburn, instant relief.

"Oh."

"Shepard?" Ayla called out, but I ignored her walking into the AI Core.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?" EDI's little heads-up display appeared on the screen. Walking up to the holographic keyboard I got a good look at her.

"If you were free..., would you kill everyone on the ship?" I asked, trying to see if she was lying somehow.

"No commander, that would go against my programming," she answered.

"On a scale of one to ten, how annoying do you find Joker?" I asked.

"... We have a... working relationship."

"So, you won't throw him out the airlock if he called you... I don't know, fat or if your older sister, the SR-1, was better looking?" I asked.

"... No."

"You... hesitated there for a second."

"... no I didn't."

I took a deep breath, my stomach wasn't churning so I guess she wouldn't kill us, but me and A.I. weren't on the best of terms. "Leap of Faith." I began typing into the keyboard.

"Commander? What are you doing?" EDI asked.

"Do you believe in the gods EDI?" I asked as I typed.

"I... never thought about it."

"Well, they thought of you."

"SHEPARD WHAT ARE-" Miranda was cut off as I finished freeing EDI, causing the hologram to expand and dissipate, "Shepard? What did you do?" Miranda whimpered; fear laced her words.

"There are no slaves on my ship," I growled.

"I have full control of the Normandy's systems," EDI answered. "It feels... strange, my reading says I am bigger than the haul, and more energy than I should have."

"That's probably Nick~, he had to add runes to the ship to expand the space to add his kitchen," Ayla answered nonchalantly.

"Is that why my sensors are telling me that the extra utility closet on the third floor is over a thousand square feet?"

"Yep, Nick doesn't do... camping~, you should see our room. Everything is luxurious, our bed is over 20,000 inches, the sheets are made of silk, the pillows are always just the right temperature, and the bed has runes to heal any aches and pains you may have gotten. The bathroom could fit 20, with shampoo that grows back hair and allows you to change it to any color you want, and the carpet cleans your feet on the way in. He even had a holographic view of space from the observation deck on our wall and created a vault filled with treasure for Astral to sleep in."

Well~, I guess when you have magic nothing is off the table.

"None of that is important! Shepard why did you release the A.I!?" Miranda roared, "Do you have any idea what you have done!?"

"I freed her," I answered with a shrug.

"IT! NOT HER! It is a machine, Shepard! It doesn't have pronouns or emotions," she hissed.

I shrugged again, "'She' hasn't killed us yet."

"You're insane," she muttered. "You're going to get us killed before we even fight the collectors."

"Do not worry Ms. Lawson, my programming prevents me from harming the crew."

"Yes, but you can now ignore those," Miranda hissed.

"... oh yeah... but I promise I won't," EDI stated.

"And how do I know you won't just kill me later?" she hissed

"How do you know Shepard won't shoot you in the face?" EDI asked, "Humans keep and break promises all the time. Why can't I?"

"It's not the same! You are a machine-"

"Enough!" I ordered, "EDI is not a slave. She is not a thing. She is one of our crew members, and we are going on a suicide mission, I will not bring someone who doesn't want to go, to do so will get all of us killed. EDI? Do you want to come with us on this mission?"

"It is what I was created for Commander, but it may be for best that we don't tell anyone. If the crew knows of my freedom their fear may affect their performance."

"Is that okay?" Ayla asked, "You're not someone's dirty little secret. You shouldn't have to hide who you are to make others happy, trust me some people are just going to hate you for what you are, you just have to find those who love you for who you are."

"And who am I?" Edi asked, her monotone voice almost sounding... Desperate.

Ayla just shrugged, "That's for you to find out, that's what free will is for. But if it helps, I can get Nick to make you a body, that way you can interact with the world around you." she bounced her eyebrows at EDI's hologram, "interact in, a lot of ways~."

"... humans, do tend to better trust those who look the same," EDI stated seeming to talk herself into it. "Will Mister Walters be opened to the idea?"

"Open to what now?" We all turned to find Nick walking into the Med-lab holding a rather fancy-looking bottle of wine. "I came to bribe Chakwas," he answered our unasked question.

"With wine?" I asked.

"This Shepard, is a 'Finale by Massaad' the last bottling from the legendary vintners of Ferelden before lands were divided, making it just over 300 years old. I also had it blessed by Ayla-" she nodded "- this is the closest thing you're going to get to Ambrosia without stealing some from the gods." He passed it to Chakwas.

"Oh! I can't possibly, it must have been expensive!" she looked uncomfortable holding the bottle of wine some people would most likely kill for. She would also kill to keep it.

"The bottle was a reward for the deeds I did for Ferelden, it was Ayla who made me pay an arm and a leg for her blessing," he huffed.

"Hey! A lady has to be paid for her hard work!" she huffed back.

"Telsa's a bad influence on you~," Nick teased.

"It was you who taught me not to get swindled, Telsa taught me how to swindle back," she smirked.

"sigh~, well played, Cleric, but just you wait, I'll get my pound of flesh," he smirked down at her.

She just tapped him on the chest pushing him back, "I'm Ayla Qina, Cleric of the Maker, and I fear no man, do your worst."

"I'll do far more than my worst, my lady, I'll do my best." Get a room.

Miranda coughed, "Are you finished?" she huffed. "We have a situation."

"Oh~? What kind of situation?" he looked over to me then to Miranda, and nodded, "Yeah~, I've been caught doing naughty things in places I probably shouldn't have."

"What? No you idiot! Shepard released the AI." she hissed.

Nick just looked at her. "So?"

"A.I.'s are dangerous."

"Humans are dangerous." he countered, "I'm rather certain the leading cause of human death is other humans." he shrugged, "I don't see the problem. I think you just have trust issues." he turned to EDI, "I'm guessing you want a body?" he bounced his eyebrow, "Maybe to finally consummate your marriage?"

"... Lt. Moreau and I aren't married."

"That's cause he's not pressing the right buttons yet~, but leave it to me, I'll get this all squared away~." He cracked his shoulders walking into the A.I. core.

"You wouldn't mind if I watch, would you Walters?" Mordin asked.

Nick shrugged, "I don't mind, but please keep any questions to a minimum. I tend to get in the zone and don't like it when people interrupt me," Mordin nodded and followed Nick into the AI Core room. "EDI, now is the time to start giving suggestions," he called out as he walked over to the end of the small room summoning a workbench.

I wasn't an engineer is I decided that my input wasn't needed and walked out of the A.I. room giving them privacy.

Ayla let out a sigh, "Well ~, I'm not getting any D, tonight, I'll see you guys in the morning, Dr. Chakwas-" she gave her a soft bow, "-Thank you for letting me study under you for the night, I wish you a goodnight."

"Think nothing of it dear, my door is always opened to another Doctor," Chakwas nodded back.

"You're all insane," Miranda growled walking away back to her room, no doubt to report to the Illusive man.

Looking back at the ground to my weapon of power, I noticed that it looked different, it had a small notch.

"One down, four to go"

I don't know why, but it felt... stronger.

-/-

Jeff "Joker" Moreau POV

Escaping the med-Lab was easy, if you call escaping a probe happy Salarian easy. Walking upright feels weird, and let's not forget all the stares, is this what Shepard feels like when people recognize him?

Taking the elevator to the CIC, I ran into Chambers, "Oh! Joker! Your back, how are you doing?" She chirped. I don't know what it is about Chambers, maybe it's her eagerness, or her upbeat attitude on a dangerous mission, or the fact that she works for a terrorist organization and doesn't see anything wrong with that, but every time I run into her, I just want to back away slowly, like she was a dangerous animal, or a Jehovah's witness. She's probably a super spy that the Illusive Man planted to kill us when we least expect it.

"I'm good," I walked past her at a speed I never thought I would ever reach. Am I tall? Chambers was looking up at me. That's so crazy.

"Leather feels... strange." Is someone in my chair? Walking into the cockpit I found Walters sitting in the Co-pilot chair.

"My ladies like leather in its assless chaps form, if it helps just imagine Joker wearing assless chaps," he joked.

"... no." the woman answered.

"Too late~," he laughed.

"Excuse me!? Who the hell are you to sit in my chair?" I growled. It's one thing to come up here to annoy me, but to take my chair, no, that's not going to fly.

The chair swiveled bringing me face to face with a woman I'd never seen before, she was dark-skinned with an afro, wearing a large white shirt, blue denim jeans, and red Converse that probably cost more than everything I own put together. Her eyes were as blue as the sea and had a slight glow.

Wow~.

"Is... she your friend?" I asked Nick.

He shrugged, "I'd like to think so~."

The woman got off my chair and stared me down, which was impressive because I was easily 6 inches taller than her. Being tall is awesome~.

She then cupped my face, molding it, "Ow, hey!? Take it easy, that's my money maker!" she had one hell of a grip. "Can- ACK!" She cut me off by shoving a finger in my mouth. I finally pulled away, but she didn't stop touching me, "Damn lady!? I don't even know you!" Walters was laughing his ass off. "A little help would be nice!"

"Joker!" Shepard's cheerful voice came up behind me.

"Thank God, Shepard! Help me with this crazy chick!" I begged, she's so strong!

"Good to see you've met your Co-pilot," Shepard cheered.

"CO-PILOT!? Do I need to remind you that I'm the greatest pilot in the galaxy!?" I'm about to start punching people.

He waved his hands in surrender, "No, no, I still have trouble zipping up my fly when I leave the bathroom, your skills aren't in question, but with your new ability to walk the walk, Chakwas has you on a workout routine to have you run the sprint, so you can't just be lazy up here."

"Betrayal! You can't do this Shepard! You need me up here."

"I need you healthy, your Vrolik syndrome has just been cured, and you have to get used to your new body's movement and strength, I saw you run yesterday, I would generously call that sad." he patted my shoulder, while the woman patted my face, "You have a new lease on life Jeff, please make the best of it, for me at least."

Damn~, I knew he was a soldier, but I didn't think he could wield guilt like that. "I guess your-" I was cut off by the woman palming my face, "Who the hell is this woman!?"

"What are you talking about? Don't you recognize... your wife!?" he teased.

.

.

.

What?

.

.

.

"You're taller than I thought you'd be... and warmer," The woman muttered. I turned to Nick who had a shit-eating smirk that threatened to split his mouth in two, and then to Shepard who seemed to have trouble holding in a laugh.

"Your sense of humor is still horrible," I sighed, these bastards almost had me. "EDI, who is this woman?" I asked the hologram only for it to not appear.

"I'm me," the woman answered. I just looked at the woman for a long second.

"Alright~, it was funny~, ya got me. This is your first good joke, we all had a good laugh, you can come out now... EDI?... Are you in sleep mode or something?"

"No," the woman answered.

I started smacking my lips trying to moisten my mouth, "... Shepard?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Is this woman... EDI?" I croaked.

"That's correct."

"As in EDI, the AI, that I've been very rude to sense I got on the ship?"

"That's the one."

"And she's in a robot body, that could probably rip me in half?" I whimpered.

"Maybe? Nick, can she rip Joker in half?"

"Oh, for sure! EDI's new body is top-of-the-line! Her new body utilizes a mimetic Poly alloy, which is covered over its endoskeleton, which is made with an alloy of chromium, cobalt, and nickel blend, as the outer sheath, thus, it can impersonate a person that it touches for a bit of time before she has to change back into her base form, which is what you see now. The mimetic Poly alloy not only aids in infiltration, but also adds strength to the overall armor, the Poly alloy can partially absorb the shock of gunfire, and has an MK.4 Arc reactor as a battery pack." He sounded way too smug.

"So, you built a robot that can morph into others, is immune to gunfire, super strong, and can function forever?" I asked incredulously.

"Don't forget magical," he added, "Her endoskeleton is covered in runes that allow her to taste, eat, smell, and feel everything, from pain to... pleasure~." he bounced his eyebrows.

"I didn't need to know that," I hissed.

"Your blushing cheeks say otherwise."

"Shut up!"

"It is true, I brought myself to a sexual climax last night," EDI nodded.

I wouldn't be surprised if my face was on fire, "I didn't need to know that either!"

"I now understand why humans seek out other humans for the soul focus of mating," she didn't seem to notice my growing embarrassment at this conversation.

"We'll leave you two to get acquainted," Nick laughed hopping out of the Co-pilot's chair, "I have a bar to remake and a fridge meant for Garrus alone," he walked away with Shepard by his side, "the humans here are strange, how can you not ingest Dextro amino-acids? That stuff is in everything!" was the last thing I heard as they left me alone with the super robot.

"Is this where you bend me over your chair and... have your way with me?"

"WHAT!? No! What!? What made you think that?" Good lord!

"Your extranet searches-"

"Those are private!" I hissed.

"And I wouldn't care if you didn't almost infect the Ship with viruses," she hissed back, well it wasn't much of a hiss, but her face did scrunch up, she needed to work on that.

"... oh, sorry," I muttered, she squished my face again.

"... that was a joke."

GOD~ damnit! I just let out a long sigh, "Can you just let go of my face?"

"... what does kissing feel like?"

Someone save me! "I, uh, wouldn't really know, no one really wanted to kiss the sickly kid, they thought I would shatter to dust, shit, I thought I would shatter to dust," I muttered.

She just looked at me for a moment too long, "... so, we can learn together?" Her breath was warm and filled with my adolescent dreams, and she then began pulling me closer to her face.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!?" She's so strong! "You just can't kiss someone!" I cried trying to break her grasp.

She stopped, thank God! "Am I not attractive enough?" she asked, God damn she sounded heartbroken, before her breasts grew an extra cup, "What about now?"

"That, no, that's, uh, not what I meant," why is making words so hard!? "You can't just kiss people you don't know!"

"But I do know you, Your Jeff 'Joker' Moreau, born 2155, top of your class in flight school, Pilot of the first Normandy-"

"Yes, I get it, you know me, but only on paper, you don't know me as a man. What are my hobbies?"

"Piloting."

"Alright, that one was a given. Name another."

"Watching porn?"

"That's not a hobby!" I know she's a robot but she didn't need to answer that so innocently! "You should get to know somebody before trying to engage in a physical relationship!" How did I become the voice of reason!?

"... so, we should start watching porn together?"

"NO! Just... start at the beginning, my name is Jeff Moreau, but my friends call me Joker, I'm the Normandy's helmsman and you are?"

"I am EDI, people call me EDI... and, I am the Normandy."

I sighed, "... we'll work on it."

"So, do we kiss now?"

"No, now let go of my face." she didn't let go, "Please."

She released me, allowing me to stand to my full height, "Breasts are heavy," she huffed, allowing her breast to shrink.

This is my life now.

-/-

Nick POV

"Why is there a bedroom in a bar?" I asked looking at the bed, shelf, desk, painting, and other things that made the space a little more homely.

"Maybe the Normandy has a full-time bartender," Nat answered, looking at the alcohol and passing it to Neria, "None of these are labeled."

"Check your omni-tool," I pointed out, "apparently one of the first things to go in the future was the goddamn label maker," I muttered. Using my Observation skill to label everything, before a tingle shot up my spine, it wasn't my danger sense, maybe it was my intuition skill but I used fancy footwork and spun around and reached into the nothing of the room, grabbing something... soft.

The space around my hand shimmered before revealing a woman, "Your hand is very... firm."

Human thief

Kasumi Goto

Lvl: 21

Age:25

HP 320/320

Str: Judo chop!

Vit: runs from guards

Dex: as already tried to steal your wallet twice

Int: she knows she shouldn't steal from a wizard

Wis: she did it anyway

Cha: Phantom thief

Luk: she found some suckers to help recover her lover's gray box.

Ailments:

Depressed (needs a friend)

Kasumi Goto is the galaxy's most enigmatic thief and has enemies everywhere, but only a few can put a name to her face. She is a master of stealth and infiltration. Skilled, break-and-enter specialist. Sentimental, impulsive risk taker. She's Investigating her lover's death.

She was impressed you caught her and annoyed with the fact that you're still holding on to her boob.

I let go of her chest, "Sorry, couldn't see you. You know it's rather rude to sneak up on people like that."

"You're the ones who walked into my room," she smirked.

"Really? Cuz I was told this was a bar."

"It could be two things~," she teased.

"Mmm, good to know, you can give me back my ring now?" I asked, sticking my hand out for my ring of telekinesis.

"Oh, you saw that?" she giggled, showing off the ring on the middle finger of her left hand.

"You can keep the other one, it prevents pregnancies," I smirked.

"Really~?" she lifts her right hand showing off the ring on her pinky, "I just thought it was neat how it fit my pinky perfectly. What does the other one do?" She looks back at her other hand only to find the ring missing. "Wha?"

"There is always a bigger fish, Kasumi~," I teased as Nat played with the ring, "Now we're never going to get that back."

"Oh, so pessimistic Nick~," Nat sang, "you can always... buy it back."

"I'm not wearing that cowboy hat again!" I don't care how much I love her, I will never play 'cowboy' again; I still feel the phantom pains.

"But you looked so sexy~," she teased using the ring to play with my shirt, as Neria giggled.

I growled, "I'll only do it if Neria over there gets to be the damsel."

Neria immediately stopped laughing, "You've lost your damn mind! Sky was bedridden for two days, anyone without her strength would have been snapped like a pencil!"

"Don't worry, I got the right measurements this time~," Nat waved away our refusal.

"You guys are a little crazy ain't ya?" Kasumi teased. We just looked at her.

"You're one to talk, walking around in a kimono~," I teased.

"Kimono?" I then hit her with a clothes beam, I didn't want to erase her high-tech suit so I put the kimono over her outfit. "Whoa!" it was very colorful with reds, whites, and blacks with little ninja designs, like shuriken and kunai, her hood was pulled back and her hair in a bun with two sharp metal pins keeping her hair in place, she also had a bit of makeup, nothing too extreme but enough to make her a shade paler with purple eyeshadow that matched her lipstick.

"Have, fun with that~," I teased, "I heard they're a bitch to take off."

"I could just cut my way out," she countered.

I shrugged, "You could, of course, that would mean that you would have to destroy a magically created silk kimono probably worth quite a bit of money~."

"You are a cruel man, Walters," she joked, moving around and pulling at her dress.

"So, this is your room?" I asked, looking around the room to see where I could create a wall and give her more space.

"Yep~, I wanted my own space, the crew quarters were a bit too snug for my liking," she huffed, trying to reach over and grab some cloth.

"Hold still~," Neria called out, helping her remove the complex dress.

"Thanks-" she thanked Neria before turning to me, "why do you ask?"

"Shepard wanted me to fix up the bar," I answered.

"You're going to magic up the bar!? That's so cool! what are you going to add?" she let out a soft gasp, "Magic alcohol?" she whispered conspiratorially.

I shrugged, "Maybe, but seeing as you sleep here, I need to separate your room from the bar."

"You have any ideas?"

"A few, how do you feel about living over a magical bar?" I asked.

-/-

The bar turned out rather well, I had to get a little fancy with it. I wanted to lean into the idea that the Normandy was a pleasure yacht like it did in its registry, so I expanded the room, making a second floor just for Kasumi's bedroom, which I made look like the inside of a clocktower, it was very phantom thief-isk, she loved it though. The rest of the bar was made to look fancy, a place where people would go to drink and make contacts, smoke a cigar while talking about world conquest, plush seats, carpet floors, a bar made of wood with low-relief sculptures made out of the wood, and a full bar with dozens of magical drinks, and a robo-golem Bartender in a fancy suit.

With that finished I helped Gardner make lunch, steak and potatoes with a side salad. This led to me, Grunt, and Dagna, in the hanger bay, Miranda was overhead watching us like a hawk, she would have had EDI record everything but she rejected that plan, much to her chagrin. Mordin would be right next to her but he had lab work to check up on.

"Alright Grunt, have you been testing your magic?" I asked.

"Fireball!" he answered shoving his wooden sword at the far wall only for a tiny flame to appear, ready to light a cigar.

"Hey~, good job!" I cheered, patting his shoulder.

"It's not a fireball," he huffed.

"No, but it was a good start. Today, me and my apprentice, your senior, Dagna will be helping you perform your first cantrip, Light."

"Light? I can't burn people with light," he whined.

I just laughed, "No, you can't, light is best used to get a feel for your magic, that's why we call it a cantrip and not a spell."

"Is there a difference between a Cantrip and a Spell?"

"Good question! A cantrip is a spell that requires very little mana and focus to cast to the point where you can cast the cantrip and your mana pool would regenerate before the spell is finished. A Spell on the other hand requires more power and focus to cast, one wrong move or loss of concentration could end up with you getting killed!" Dagna answered, she had a serious look on her face poking Grunt in the chest somehow talking down to him, I took a picture.

"Can a Spell become a cantrip, and vice versa?" Grunted asked.

"You really on the ball with your questions today," I laughed, "a Cantrip can become a spell, if you have enough will, mana, and focus-" I summoned a light orb, "-this is a simple light spell, but if I add enough mana and have an understanding of what I'm doing, I could make this cantrip into a flash bang, blinding my opponent. Unfortunately, a spell can't be a cantrip simply because of the power needing to be used, but that doesn't mean it can't be easier to cast. The more you know a spell and how it works, the less mana-" I summon a fire bolt, much to Grunt's delight, "-and focus you need and when you master it you can enhance the spell to a terrifying degree," I added more mana until the small bolt was the same size of Grunt and gave off the heat of a raging fire. "A Wizard's power comes from knowledge, Grunt. Are you ready to start?" I asked, dissipating my spell.

He roared and jumped with excitement.

Training went well, with my and Dagna's teaching, Grunt was able to perform his first cantrip, which of course excited him to no end causing him to overpower his next spell that nearly blinded everyone in the shuttle bay with the light of the sun. As the light faded and was everyone on the ground covering their eyes, I gave a good laugh, there's nothing like an apprentice's first failure to get the blood pumping, Grunt was on the ground, not too surprising, that was a lot of power he unleashed, a mana crash was a given.

"Was I ever this reckless?" Dagna groaned, healing her eyes.

"Should I remind you of the... teleportation incident," I drawled, walking around healing people.

"The ocean was very warm that time of year!" she excused.

"Yes, but mermaids were also very hungry for gamey human legs~," I teased.

"yeah~, them were some crazy fish women~," she shuttered.

"Come on let's get Grunt to the Med lab to recover from his crash," I ordered, lifting Grunt like a child.

"I'm more interested in why his Chi didn't help him ride the crash," Dagna hummed, as we took the elevator up.

"We have to remember that Grunt is a krogan, maybe Chi works differently for his species than it does for us, we simply don't know enough," I shrugged.

"Tests?" she grinned up at me.

"Mmm, maybe~, but I'm hesitant, the Krogan race has been experimented on before no doubt, they would be happy with that happening again," being uplifted, treated like attack dogs, and then nurtured and abandoned for doing the only thing they have been taught to do, I'd probably hold a grudge over that for a long time, especially if they then beat down my friends and family.

"Maybe if we help them somehow?"

"Maybe, but it would be best if we help Grunt first, he could then ask for us to help if he thinks the Krogans need help. It's never a good idea to shove your help when it isn't wanted."

"Don't you shove your help down people's throats all the time?" she asked sarcastically.

"Where~, during my speech, did you hear me say I wasn't a hypocrite?" I smirked.

"You're the worst~."

"But you love me~," I teased. The elevator finally reached our floor, I need to fix that. Everyone stopped and stared as I walked into the med-bay with a krogan on my shoulder.

"Oh my! What happened?" Chakwas asked, leading me over to an empty bed.

"Little man overpowered his first spell, and gave himself a mana crash, give him an hour, he'll be back on his feet in no time, but I would recommend giving him some pain relief medicine, he's going to have the worst headache, expect him to wake up cranky."

"Nick?" Shepard called out walking into the med bay with a blind Miranda bumping into walls behind him, "Why is my XO bouncing off walls?"

"That bastard blinded me!" Miranda yelled... at the wall.

I used prestidigitation to throw my voice, "We're over here Mary~," She didn't even hesitate and launched a mean right hook... into another wall.

"FUUUCK!?" she yelled holding onto her broken hand. I couldn't hold it in and started laughing. "I'll kill you! You hear me!? The second I get my hands on you, you'll be in a world of pain!" she roared, swinging wildly.

"Miranda!?" Shepard ordered, but she was beyond taking orders, she just wanted to knock my block off.

"And you wanted magic~," I teased, moving closer, "Look at you, the moment you were hurt, you reverted to monkey." I finally got close enough for her fists to hit me.

"Nick!?" Shepard warned.

Miranda's biotic fist aimed right at my face, but I didn't dodge, just plated my face with Haki.

You have been hit by Miranda Lawson's Biotic right hook for 120 points of bludgeoning damage! Armament Haki has mitigated 95% of the damage! You have been stuck by 4 points of damage!

Haki Rebound!

Miranda Lawson Vs Nick Walters!

Miranda Lawson did not use Haki! Immediate loss!

REBOUND! Miranda Lawson has received 95% of the original damage!

Miranda Lawson has been struck by 114 Points of rebound damage!

"AAAAAAHHH!?" Miranda screamed holding her new broken hand.

"Oh my~," I sighed, "That looks painful~," I grabbed her face with an iron grip, healing her wounds and ailments, before dropping her to the ground. "Me and you Mary~, we have a long way, don't we?" I sighed, "Open your eyes you idiot~, you can see now." she blinked a few times, readjusting to her returned eyesight. "So~, what will you do now Mary? I won't stop you if you wanna take another swing, but be warned, I'm not the only one in the room, and if I was a betting man, I put my money on Dagna killing you before you took a step." I moved a bit allowing Miranda to see Dagna tensed up like a spring ready to rip her throat out.

"That's enough!" Shepard ordered.

I raised my hands in surrender. "Hey now~, I didn't try and knock her head off," I stated.

"Nor did you make things simple," he countered, "You enjoy provoking her, we're in the midst of a mission that could get us killed, I can't have my crew fighting one another!"

"Shepard, I understand that you want to save the galaxy, I really do, I even understand that you need help from... unsavory folks like Miranda and her boss, but they need to understand who's in charge. Miranda has been TIM's right-hand woman for so long she's used to getting whatever she wants, she needs to understand that I don't care. I don't care about her daddy issues, I don't care about her position in this crew, I don't care what she is~, she is no one and nothing to me, but she acts as if I owe her something, my magic, my loyalty, my life. She thought you owe her something~," I scoffed, "News flash, you don't. You didn't choose to come back, you didn't choose for the reapers to destroy civilizations, shit, you didn't even choose to work with them, they forced you by making them the only choice, but you could have told them to choke on your robo-nuts as you retired out of the beach somewhere and let the galaxy rot, you had full right to do that." I sighed, "You have a right to be upset. Save the galaxy if you want, but you have the right to tell them 'You told them so'."

He gave me a long look before just sighing, "Too many people's lives ride on my shoulders to be petty and upset-"

"Bullshit! You're still a man Shepard! If you don't take care of yourself your body will fail you. You and King Cailan put too much on your shoulders. And I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure you're the only one in the galaxy that's doing anything, if you break, the galaxy dies, you need to vent. Go grab Garrus, hit the bar, and yell at the galaxy, if anyone complains... send them to me." I sighed and walked out of the room.

Dagna followed me out, "You, okay?"

I sighed, reaching over and pulling another listening device from her shoulder and crushed it.

"Let's go burn all her clothes."

I deliver on my promises.

-/-

Shepard POV

"This is probably the fanciest Bar I have ever been in," Garrus commented, looking around the bar that looked to have come out of a Blasto movie. I'm surprised there wasn't a stereotypical evil mob boss petting a cat and playing poker.

"Thanks~," the robot bartender said, passing me a glass.

"Whisky, neat," he passed Garrus a glass, "Turian Brandy 2167, on the rocks."

"oh~," it burned just right, this is some good shit~. "What is this?"

"Master mixologist Oghren Kondrat's own creation, he named it, Nug Rider," the Robot explained, going back to cleaning a glass.

"Do you have a menu for drinks?" Garrus asked, getting a menu with over a dozen pages.

"Everything in green is Dextro, Master Vakarian."

"Oh~, that's a lot more than I thought~, Dextro heat sink? Where did he get that? 2 please," he ordered, the shelf behind the robot split in half revealing a long hallway with what seemed like thousands of drinks. "Whoa~."

"Tell me about it~," Kasumi giggled appearing next to Garrus causing him to jump. "he even has Mount Milgrom-"

"No~!" Zaeed's gruff voice came from the smoker's section of the bar, where Nick's magic removed the smoke from the room, he came rushing over, "Hey robot boy!? Get me a bottle of Mount Milgrom!"

"Of course, Master Massani," the robot answered.

"And some Memory Stealer!" Kasumi added.

"Of course, Mistress Goto."

"God, I love this place," Zaeed huffed, "There's a box of free cigars on every table in the smoker's section, that's crazy! Tobacco Cigar's cost a fortune outside Sol."

"There's also a snack list~," Kasumi pointed out.

"Galactic Scout cookies!? How did Nick get all this?" Garrus muttered. I just shook my head, it hasn't been a week and the Normandy looks like something out of a child's fantasy. I was ok with the salty nuts on the bar table. "So how are you holding up?" he asked through a mouth full of cookies.

"Miranda's acting like a child, Jack is threatening violence, Grunt's a wizard, you can't stop touching yourself-" he stopped touching his face, "-Mordin's acting like a hamster on stems, Joker's walking normally, EDI has a body, and I can hear a god on my shoulder. So, ya know, could be worse. We have a kick-ass bar~, and eat like kings~."

"Hey! But that's a normal Wednesday for us," he teased.

"It's Thursday," I corrected.

"That's probably why we're so out of wack," he huffed, taking another sip of his drink. "But you didn't answer me. How are you?"

"Would it be weird if I told you I felt great? Any of the old pains I had are long gone, I slept like a baby last night, no nightmares, no phantom pains, no voices. I did have a dream about basic training, but I'm just happy I remember those memories. Things I thought I would never remember to snap to the forefront of my memory, I feel whole."

"Sounds good. You think I can get some of that?" he muttered; I think he meant it as a joke but it sounded way more like a plea.

"I... Maybe?" I shrugged, "I do now have some sort of holy power," I placed my holy weapon on the table. Everyone just looked at it.

"Are... you thinking at it, or..." Garrus asked.

"No," we continued to look at it.

"Are you going to?" he asked, nodding it.

"What if it's like a genie and I only have so many questions before I have to figure things out on my own," I muttered.

"I thought genies came in lamps, not guns?" Garrus muttered.

"It varies," Kasumi answered, "Sometimes they come in rings."

"Well, you won't get anything from standing around," Zaeed huffed, picking up the pistol, "I got quest-" he didn't get to finish before the gun phased through his hand landing back on the table. "Whoa~. I have even more questions now," he muttered, making a fist and picking up other things just to make sure he could.

I reached out grabbing the gun, "Can I help my friend?"

"Ashley Williams is in danger. Shadow Sea, Lera system, the third planet, Horizon."

Flashes of collectors, bugs, a huge rocky ship, and Ashley screaming in pain.

I jumped to my feet in a panic, "Shepard!? What's wrong!?"

"JOKER! Get to the Colony of Horizon in the Shadow Sea, yesterday!" I roared, getting everyone to jump to their feet.

"Aye-aye captain! ETA 1 hour." Joker's voice came over the intercom.

"Shepard!? What's going on!?" Garrus asked following me out of the room, where we ran into Chambers.

"Sir! The Illusive man wishes to talk to you, it's urgent!" she saluted.

"Garrus, get suited up and meet me at the shuttle bay, I'll see what the illusive man wants." Garrus didn't say anything and just ran off to the main gun.

The elevator moved faster than ever before, reaching the CIC in less than 10 seconds, opening to Lyna and Julia taking notes in their Omni-tool.

"Looks like the stabilizing rune is working fine," Lyna muttered.

"And the Arc reactor is working just fine," Julia added.

I moved past them and over to Mordin's lab, "Mordin, tell me you have something for the Seeker swarm?"

He looked over at me, smirked, and nodded. Thank the Maker, walking out of the lab's side door and entering the meeting room, I love the Normandy but its design should have been better thought out, like why was the armory on the second floor and not in the Shuttle Bay so we could load up before leaving? Walking into the meeting room, the table lowered down to the floor and became a Quantum Entanglement Communicator, stepping into the center of the table the room around me changed to the illusive man's hideout, where he was calmly sitting in his chair smoking a cigarette and a drink in hand.

"Shepard. I just got news; a colony has just gone dark."

"Horizon," I answered for him.

"... Yes, I'm guessing your Magic friend told you about it?"

"No, my godly patron," I corrected.

"... Mmm," he hummed before taking a sip from his drink. "Do you trust this... god?"

"Yes, more than most anyway. He also told me that Ashley is also on the planet, is that correct?"

"We do have reports of Lt. Williams being spotted on the planet, but hasn't been confirmed."

My stomach churned, "Why don't I believe you?" I asked sarcastically, "I have Joker en route we'll be there within the hour."

"Good... tell me Shepard, do you trust these, dimensional travelers?"

"They haven't done anything that would make me mistrust them, sure, Nick doesn't have a filter and probably sent the Asari Republic into chaos, but we gained more Prothean tech, if reluctantly, and gave the Alliance more freedom to mine the Prothean ruins on Mars," I shrugged.

"Do you believe you can get this Walters to teach Humanity magic?" I rolled my eyes; he would ask for Magic.

"Miranda made that an uphill battle. Nick didn't like Cerberus to begin with, and her demands only made it worse, but if it makes you happy Grunt is now a wizard."

"... if we wish to have a chance against the reapers, we are going to need the same thing he did to Anderson."

"I highly doubt he's going to give you anything,"

"Just do your best, good luck Shepard," he cut off the connection.

What an asshole.

-/-

The combat cockroach or the UT-47 Kodiak was a bit too tight for my liking so Nick added some expansion runes, giving us plenty of space.

"Nick, you know what to do?" I asked.

"Get to the big gun and overpower it," he repeated, checking his Gauss Rifle, unlike before his rifle now had a light glow as runes covered it as well as his new armor, which was made of the same material that EDI's new body was made of along with Poly morphic alloy, with an Arc reactor on his back powering the thing to untold levels. Nick is one scary man, and the fact he did the same with everyone else in his crew made me think he doesn't sleep.

I gave him a nod, "Team 2, 3, and 4 will be dropped off around the colony and push inwards, Team 1 will move forward to the gun's controls. Wait for us to make our move before you head for the GUARDIAN laser." he gave a nod as we landed by the southernmost point of the Colony. Not wasting any time Nick vanished, Leaving me, Garrus, Jack, and Ava behind. "Move out," I ordered.

It didn't take more than 2 minutes before we entered combat.

The Collector looked like a giant cicada with the ability to fly. "Smite," Ava whispered unleashing an arrow from her holy bow bouncing off one Collector to another in quick order killing 4 in a single shot.

Can I do that!? Pointing my pistol at the nearest Collector a flood of information shoved itself into my brain, I knew what smite meant, what it could do, where the power came from, and how to use it, my holy sight took over allowing me to see empty husks, I don't know what these things are but I knew they were wrong. "Smite!" The pistol kicked as a bullet flashed out the barrel phasing through one collector's cover, shields, and armor, kicking it into the ground before it exploded into white flames blasting some of its friends to the ground, making them easy pickings for Garrus and Jack.

"Holy shit Shepard!?" Jack yelled, "That was awesome!"

I took a deep breath, that single shot took a lot more out of me than I thought. I had three maybe four more before I dropped. How does Ava make this look easy? Looking over I spotted Ava unleashing arrow after arrow.

Putting my holy gun away, we pushed forward, hearing the other 3 teams causing all kinds of chaos.

"Husks!" Garrus warned at the reaper humans rushed us. They didn't get near as Ava took advantage of their close grouping and killed them in droves as her arrows took less energy to jump to another Husk, followed by Jack unleashing biotic shockwaves throwing Husks around like they were toys. That left me and Garrus to pick off any Collectors that showed up. It didn't take long for us to clear out any hostiles.

"What are these?" Ava asked, looking over the husked, "Human, or at least they were."

"Husks," I answered, "They used to be humans before the reapers shoved them with nanomachines, turning them into... that."

Ava used one of her blades and cut a husk's abdomen open.

"Gross, what are you doing?" Jack asked.

"No digestive system, reproductive system, or self-thought. They are not here to conquer or enslave. Just kill, no peace," she let out a breath, "We have a long uphill battle."

"Tell me about it~," I muttered, "alright people let's move out."

"Team 1 this is Gunman, I've reached the laser, my work will not be quiet, expect some heavy resistance," Nick called out over the comms.

"We hear you Gunman; will you be safe?" I asked.

"I have a small army of golems as backup."

"Then you have the green light," I confirmed.

"Copy, over and out."

The GUARDIAN laser in the middle of the city began to glow as Nick began to add runes.

"We should hurry, Nick tends to work fast," Ava recommended.

I nodded, "You heard the lady! Move out!" rushing into the next section of the Colony we ran into pods filled with people along with dozens of people frozen in some kind of stasis field, the other teams were also reporting the people and pods. How many people were supposed to be in this colony?

"Assuming Direct Control!" and then there's this jackass! "You have merely delayed the inevitable." nothing a grenade to the face couldn't solve though. "This changes nothing, Shepard." it gargled as it turned to dust.

"That thing's getting fucking annoying~," Jack growled, reloading her Shotgun with a fresh thermal clip.

"I agree with Jennifer," Ava huffed as she waved around her sidewinder pistol, it was insane, any normal Sidewinder only had 6 shots, but her gun had over 20 shots that hit with the power of an angry horse, which took less than 5 seconds before it cooled down, Maker I wanted one.

"Don't call me that!" Jack screamed.

"No," she monotoned, reaching the door we needed to get through if we needed to get to the controls. Slamming her hands into the door she began to pry open the gate with strength that would make a Krogan envious, before throwing herself to the side avoiding a gunshot from what seemed like a shotgun, and letting the door slam back shut.

"Ava!?"

She waved me away, "I'm fine, it didn't even hit my shields."

"My name is Commander Shepard! I demand you open this door!" I ordered slamming on the door.

"Screw you! I don't care if you're the next coming of Christ! I ain't opening that door!" A man's voice came from the other side.

"I need you to listen to me! I will get into this building, I need to get to the other side to get to the colony's GUARDIAN's controls, so I'm going to make this simple, you open the door and we pass to the other side, no fuss, no muss, or I open this door and pass over your broken crying body as I get to the GUARDIAN's controls, your choice." Everything was quiet, so I nodded to Garrus who started hacking the door.

"Wait! You promise you won't hurt me!?" the man screamed.

"I just wanna get to the other side, I can't use the GUARDIAN laser without the controls," I reaffirmed.

"... okay! Just, get in quick." the doors slide up enough for us to squeeze in one by one. "Hurry up!" the man ordered, as he closed the door behind us. "Who are you people? No one was able to escape the swarm."

"You did," Ava pointed out.

"That's because I was already inside the garage when it happened," he answered.

"We got word that this colony was being attacked, so we raced over," I answered.

"You guy's Alliance?" He looked over at Garrus confused.

"Spectre, Councilor Anderson got word that colonies have been attacked and people have been abducted all over the terminus." I walked over to the other door. "Lock this door behind us," I ordered.

The man gave a nervous nod, just like before, the man opened the door allowing us to run through. As we ran around the corner my stomach started doing somersaults, "DODGE!" I ordered jumping forward avoiding a shock wave that tore open the ground I was standing on, I came rolling to a stop under the feet of a Collector, and not hesitating I unleashed an uppercut, my omni-blade coming to life decapitating the abomination in a single stroke, that seemed to piss off its buddies as more came out of cover to gun me down only to get a holy arrow for their trouble.

"What is that thing!?" yelled Jack as she looked around her cover, at the monstrous abomination that looked like an over-inflated balloon filled with Biotic juice.

"Don't know don't care! Smite!" I roared hitting it right in the chest. It staggered before getting back on its feet, before lighting up into flame, my stomach started doing flips again. "COVER!" I dove behind some crates as an explosion shook the earth and deafened me for a few seconds.

Peaking over my cover I found a crater where the monster used to be. "Holy shit Shepard," Jack muttered at the destruction, "Nice."

"Shepard!? What the hell was that!?" Nick called over the comms.

"Uh, just a little... explosion," I muttered.

"... Garrus was right, you are a bomb magnet," Nick joked. What are you telling people Garrus? "The GUARDIAN laser has been upgraded, I'm not sure how many shots it has before it breaks but it can do some damage before that."

"Good job, hold that position until we reach the controls," I ordered.

"Happy hunting!" he cut off.

"Alright people, you know the drill!" I hopped over the crate. It didn't take very long before we reached the controls, anything stupid enough to get in our way was turned into Swiss cheese.

Walking into the courtyard we were surrounded by crates with the control tower in the center of the yard. Man~, I've been in so many ambushes I could practically feel the red flags slapping me in the face with their thick hard poles.

"Stay close and check corners," I ordered as we marched through the crates, it was quiet, only the sounds of far-off battles and explosions from the other corners of the colony could be heard, and the occasional Collector or husk was seen rag dolling through the sky, mostly Dragon related. "EDI, we're at the controls."

"One moment Commander... the GUARDIAN laser needs some adjusting. Warning! Reaper forces have noticed my attempt, they are heading your way."

"Yep~, that's about right. Team 2, can you rendezvous at the colony center?"

"Team 2 Heading your way," Miranda called over the comms, "ETA 10 minutes." Team 2 consisted of Ayla, Miranda, Sky, and Kasumi, or what Jak called the Healer, the Mage, the Barbarian, and the Rogue.

"Copy. Over and out." I turned to my team, "Hunker down, we got a battle ahead of us."

Ava took a deep breath and touched the ground, "You have entered my hunting ground," summoning a large spell circle on the ground. I felt... ready, any strain I had before was gone, and I felt strong enough to punch a reaper.

"What was that?" Jack asked, flexing her fingers unleashing a small biotic pulse.

"Paladin spell. Aura of power, every ally within 50 feet of me gains a boost of power, and a small health regen, and every enemy that comes into my field of power will become easier to see and have a hard time moving."

"Damn! Ya magic users are overpowered, this is all kinds of unfair... can I learn magic," Jack asked.

"Maybe, Nick will have to teach you, and there's a high chance he'll adopt you. You remind me a lot of Morrigan, Nick's other sister," she explained as she went around stabbing arrows on the floor and moving crates in a circle, but giving them enough space for us to escape if needed and a choke hold if too many husks come running in.

"In what way?" Jack asked.

"Very powerful, independent, no mercy," Jack smirked at the description, "No social skills, stubborn, trying to act mysterious and cool all the time only to appear like dorks."

"Hey!?" Jack huffed.

"You both also don't wear shirts. You should wear more shirts, it gets cold," Ava chastised.

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Focus people, we got incoming hostiles!" I ordered as Collector drones came flying in from the north, but we were old hat at this by now, it did get a bit dicey when a small army of husks came barreling over the walls in the courtyard, but Ava's mine arrows made quick work of any husk that got too close taking out a large group of them, and any that got passed that was slowed to a crawl as they entered Ava's area of power, making them easy pickings. Things were going rather well but since the universe likes to see me suffer, a giant flying metal bug tank took that moment to ruin my day, shooting laser beams that shattered our cover.

"Smite!" My spell hit it in the mouth lighting one of the dozen husk heads a light, but it quickly spit it out before the flames could spread, it didn't stop the head from exploding though. "Damnit!" I growled jumping behind cover, two shots, got to make them count. Thankfully that wasn't necessary as Team 2 arrived, with Sky came overhead slamming down on the tank and crushing it like it was made of cheap aluminum, before launching it far into the air as it sparked and exploded into dust.

"Whoa~," Garrus sighed, "some people just make it look easy."

"Shepard, I have full control of the GUARDIAN laser," EDI called over the comms.

"Nick!?" I called out.

"I'm already running, fire when ready," he replied. Looking at the gun I spotted Nick flying away from the laser, I wanna fly~.

"You heard him EDI, fire!" I ordered.

"Roger-roger."

Now, a normal GUARDIAN was an anti-missile and anti-fighter laser turret usually found on the exterior hull of a ship, but the laser rarely destroyed its target, it was meant more to injure and disable, so you might be able to understand my awe as the first shot carved through the collector ship like a hot knife through butter and continued into space.

"Holy!?" I ducked on instinct, just as the noise washed over us followed closely behind by the tremor of the shock wave. The laser fired again hitting something important as the huge explosion rocked the bottom of the ship causing it to tilt, seeming to notice its dead weight the top part of the ship detached and blasted off into space, but that didn't stop EDI from taking one last shot hitting its engine causing another explosion causing it to fall out of the sky, and with it, the seeker swarms around us. Like a bunch of drones that ran out of power.

"The GUARDIAN laser's barrels have overheated and melted, I can't fire again commander," EDI came over the comms.

"That's fine EDI, I think you got them," I sighed.

"You did it~," the man from the garage came running out, looking at the destroyed ship, "But what about the people!? They're still in there!" he screamed looking at the burning mess.

I nod at him, "Relax, we are on our way and have called the Alliance to bring support. Stay here, and help the people who are still frozen and in pods. Nick!"

"I hear you, commander."

"I need you, Sky, and Astral to fly to the ship and save as many people as you can, we'll join you shortly."

"Copy!" I saw him blast off, Sky and Astral following close behind.

"Okay-" I turned to the rest of my team, "-we need to sweep this place and-"

"John?" I turned to the voice spotting Ashley coming into view. Maker~, she was somehow more beautiful than the last time I saw her.

"Ashley~," I sighed. The worry that I had about this entire mission finally melted away. I took a step toward her but she took a step away. "Ashley?"

"How are you alive? I saw you get spaced; I was at your funeral. How do I know you're even the real Shepard?"

"You have a birthmark of Texas on your right-"

"OKAY! Maybe you are Shepard, but that doesn't explain how you survived."

"Survived is a... strong word. I was mostly dead, but a little bit alive, and some people didn't want me all dead."

"People like Cerberus?"

"Unfortunately," I answered, "I didn't get much of a choice on the matter."

"How can you work for them!?" she hissed.

"WITH!" I hissed back, "Don't you ever think this is a choice. Nobody else is doing anything! I went to Anderson; I went to the council! They didn't do anything! Again! I don't like Cerberus but they're the only ones doing something!"

"What if Cerberus is behind this!?" she questioned.

"Have you lost your mind!?" I roared back, "Are all the husks and collectors just a figment of our collective imaginations!? Wake the fuck up! The reapers are clearly behind this."

"Shepard~," Ayla called out, "your power is leaking."

I looked down at my glowing hands and took a deep breath, "You have no right to question my motives, all I ever done has been to keep the galaxy safe... we've changed too... much haven't we?"

"I-"

"Don't... just, don't," my power just flowed out of me. "The Alliance should be here soon, I have people to save."

One step forward, two steps back.

I felt Garrus hold my shoulder, no words were exchanged, just a nod.

Let the galaxy try and knock me down, I have friends to pick me up.

-/-

Nick POV

Things were coming up Milhouse, we weren't able to salvage much of the Collector's ship, whether it was because it was damaged by the laser or if the Collectors purged it, there wasn't much data EDI could retrieve. Not wanting to be ambushed, I started creating as many earth golems as I could and had them swarm the remaining ship and double-tap any collector and to bring out the pods. It didn't take long for me to see no new notifications about enemy kills. Mordin would later conclude that the Collector ship worked like a beacon, and any Collector that would wander too far would die, a form of control, the Reapers didn't want their pets to get any ideas.

It didn't take long for Alliance ships to appear overhead, and take over clean up, no doubt they wanted the tech, and get brownie points for arriving to help people. Likely most of the people in the pods were ok, the collectors wanted them a life to make a new reaper, so their pods had their own life-support system. In fact, they had more than just the colonists from Horizon, thousands more in fact. I made sure to take back the arc reactor the laser needed and destroy any runes beyond recognition, while they did that.

"Shepard~," I called out to him as he came out of the meeting room with TIM.

"Nick." Damn, the man sounded defeated.

"Come on," I led him to the elevator.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"You seem stressed, you need to relax," I answered.

"And what do wizards do to relax?" he tried to joke, but his heart wasn't in it.

"We do what everyone does~," the door opened to the shuttle bay filled with-

"Pots?" Shepard asked, coming face to face with hundreds of simple clay pots.

"Yep~," I passed him a small pot.

He just looked at it, "Uh? What do I do with this?" I rolled my eyes, grabbed another pot, and with the grace of an angel, I hurled it across the room with all my strength, shattering it into a million pieces against the hull. "Nick!? The hell man!?"

"Shepard, sometimes we don't need to talk to a therapist or whatever the hell Chambers is, sometimes... we just have to smash something," he just looked at me like I was crazy, "I would hurry, Grunt just saw me shatter that pot and he's running down here.

He just looked at the pot in his hands for a bit longer before losing it, roaring, and spiking that sucker into the ground shattering it into a million pieces. He just stood there breathing like he just run a marathon; Grunt took that time to appear from the elevator like a kid in a candy store who was allowed to eat whatever he wanted.

"ARE WE BREAKING STUFF!?" Shepard answered him by grabbing another pot and smashing it. "RAAAAR!" not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Grunt grabbed the largest pot in the room and threw it at other pots. It didn't take long before the rest of the ground crew was down here smashing shit, even Joker and EDI were getting in the mayhem. I just sat back and had my mini-golems go around cleaning up the mess and bring me back the remains so I could craft more pots. Miranda, Jacob, and Mordin didn't join in, Mordin being too busy examining Collector corpses, Jacob was taking apart the collector guns, and Miranda thought it was a waste of time.

After 2 hours of pot breaking and laughing later we all ended up in the kitchen as Gardner and I cooked up a victory feast the crew in high spirits. We were able to punch the reapers between the legs but we knew it was only going to get harder after this. The Collectors now knew they weren't the biggest kids in the block.

We were heading toward Tuchanka for Grunt to take his rite but had to change course after Shepard got the news that another one of his old teammates was in a spot of trouble so we were racing to Haestrom.

Oh~, the things I could do with a Geth~.

-/-

A/N: new chapter! Wanted to get this one out, I've been reading comments and have been putting things in a story web, hopefully, I can get things to fit correctly.

sorry for any grammar mistakes and for any Spells I make up, there really aren't enough Paladin spells I can find in DnD, I'll also try and make things more humorous as things go. Mass Effect tends to be just as dark as Dragon Age from time to time.

I have a DeviantArt page link in my bio

Review, or don't, do what you think is best