Chapter 6

"Sakura, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to support you," the man said on the phone.

"Don't worry. I have my family and my friends… But I appreciate the feeling," she answered with the hole pressing against her chest. She felt like she was drowning but somehow she was still breathing.

"Well, you know what you have to do now," there was a slight pause. "You can't sink into depression. You have to be strong. You must go on with your life. You will get over it and be happy with someone else."

She was stunned.

"What did you just say?"

"That you will be happy again one day, someone will come and help you be happy."

She let out a sarcastic laugh, with malice, with hatred.

"Who? You?"

"If you don't talk to him he's going to drive me crazy," Meiling reprimanded me. "Kenji is about to file for a restraining order."

"You could block him just like me," I replied, taking a sip of my coffee.

"He's my family, Sakura. Although I don't talk to him either, I can't just cut him out of my life."

"I'm not going to talk to him."

"Why not?" Tomoyo asked.

"Because I do not want to."

"Okay, he screwed up the situation when… the accident happened," Tomoyo looked down. No one mentioned the accident in front of me if they could avoid it. "But he has been trying to apologize and explain the situation for years. What's wrong with giving him the chance? He's been here for almost a month now."

"I don't want to be that person, Sakura, but Yukito wouldn't like to see you full of resentment," Meiling added.

I got up abruptly and they looked at me worried.

"I have to go. I have a date."

"Sakura…"

"Girls, I'm fine. Was it a low blow? Yes, very low. But I understand what you're trying to tell me. I will consider it. I promise."

With friends like this, who needs enemies? I knew they were right but forgiving Syaoran was difficult. Because forgiving him would mean letting him back into my life and I couldn't allow it. I could at least hear him, that didn't mean forgiving him. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I had missed him terribly. He had been my best friend, my confidant, my first love... and that was the problem.

I have been hanging out with Dai a lot lately. We talked a lot about our grief and it was comforting to have someone who understood my pain in some way. I had also had the confidence to date other people. Dai was a good man and on our third date, he let me know that he was also seeing other people and hoped I wouldn't think of him as a player. I wasn't fazed because I didn't think we were exclusive or anything. He encouraged me to go out on dates with other men too.

On our fourth outing together, he helped me create my profile on Tinder. It had been weird saying that I was a widow, trying to remember what hobbies I had, and what I was looking for in a man. To be honest, I wasn't looking for a man, just company to help get me out of my depression. Most of my dates had gone well, but some had those pitiful looks that made me leave early. There were also the creeps who had been victims of my pepper spray. The last one had put his hand very high on my thigh, I shuddered with disgust just thinking about it.

Before entering the restaurant, send a message. After unlocking the number, of course.

At my house at 8:30 pm. Don't be late or I won't open the door for you.

I did it for my friends and my Yukito. He really wouldn't want to see me like that.

The date that day was mediocre. The restaurant was very noisy and we couldn't converse very well. Everything was going well until I mentioned my love for animated movies and he shouted his great hatred for anything that had to do with children. Maybe he thought a 33-year-old woman without children would feel the same way? It was nice up until that point and the date took a nosedive after that. It would make my friends laugh, especially Eriol and Kenji.

When I got home he was already there. My heart skipped a beat. Even my hole seemed to not know what to do at that moment. Kero barked angrily inside the house. I approached and he raised his hands as if I were going to attack.

"I didn't come armed," he said somewhat nervously.

I snorted, amused by the situation. I didn't really laugh, but my snorts and huffs were how someone would know that something was funny to me.

"Nor I. You're lucky, I ran out of pepper spray. But I still have my dog."

I entered my house and left the door open for him to come in too. I greeted Kero and let him out into the backyard.

"You look good," he said, sitting on my couch. "I imagine you were with your little friend from the cafe."

There was reproach in his voice but I ignored it.

"That is none of your business. Now tell me what you want."

He sighed.

"I want to apologize. Sakura, I'm really sorry. The last time we talked I was an insensitive jerk. When I said move on with your life, I didn't mean to suggest that you were going to replace your family. Much less was I trying to suggest that I wanted to take Yukito's place. I wanted to help but, obviously, I didn't know how."

I did not know what to say. I knew that hadn't been his intention. I knew him better than anyone. But at that moment, with my life shattered, the suggestion of creating a new one had been an insult, a blasphemy.

"I understand that but see it from my perspective."

"I miss you. I miss talking to you, hearing from you. Meiling never wants to tell me anything, I imagine under your orders. I got desperate and came. I had to see you. I needed to know that you were okay and that your existence was not my imagination."

"I…"

Kero barked at that moment and we both jumped. I went quickly for him to let him in. I had to put distance between the two of us to think clearly. Kero looked at Syaoran suspiciously and Syaoran rolled his eyes. Apparently, they were destined not to get along.

"Listen, I can't forgive you. I know it may be unfair, and you really make a good point, but the memory of your words hurts me. I don't know if I can have you in my life. The truth is," I paused. The memory of something deeper came to me, another void that had healed over time decided to show up, "You have hurt me a lot. It's not just the funeral. It's how easy it's always been for you to hurt me."

Syaoran seemed to shrink in his seat. The memory had reached him too.

"Listen, it's late and I work tomorrow. Thank you for your apology. Despite everything, I appreciate it."

I got up to open the door.

"Can I see you again?" he asked, getting up.

I sighed. Did he ever give up?

"How long will you be here? I mean, you've been stalking me for like a month now."

Maybe I could hang out with him and Meiling so I wouldn't have to be alone with him again. A courtesy before he returned home.

"I live here. I transferred to Tomoeda Children's Hospital."

I froze

"Why did you do that?" I was terrified. I could see him every day. There was no way to escape.

He shrugged.

"Hong Kong was feeling bored. They approved my work visa, hired me, and I moved here," he approached the door and I finished opening it.

"Well," I was still in shock, now what? "I'll talk to Meiling and we can meet another day. That sound good to you?"

He gave me one of those smiles that used to melt my heart. The hole still couldn't decide if it was going to shrink or kill me.

"That sounds good. Good night, Sakura. Goodbye, stuffed animal," he said to Kero. He left my house and I stayed there not knowing what to do.

Syaoran was here in Tomoeda. He wouldn't leave. I looked at the photo on the tablecloth thinking how funny the situation would be for my husband. I smiled wistfully and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel the hole in my chest trying to kill me.