July, 1988
"YOU MOVE SLOWLY onwards, deeper into the dungeon's shadows. Once or twice you think you see a shadow pass you... was it just the flicker of your torch, or something else? Would you like to investigate?" narrated a ten year old Dungeon Master, who was sitting on the floor of his room at night, illuminated only by a desk lamp. In front of him was a giant book, a map, and a figure of a witch placed on top. His younger sister sat across him, mimicking his position on the floor and listening intently to his words.
"Umm... No."
"Very well. You move along the corridor... You see that the walls are slick with an unknown substance and that your feet crinkle as you walk. Looking down, there are a bunch of tiny skeletons underneath your feet. You think you can see it, though—at the end of the corridor—a door."
"What's the liquid on the walls?" asked the little girl.
"Roll for investigation, Sarah."
"Which one was that?" Sarah asked, clearly puzzled at the amount of dice in front of her.
"Here, let me."
He took the largest one from her hand but before he could let it drop to the table Sarah interrupted him. "No, no, Alex! I want to do it."
The two of them surveyed the dice as Sarah rolled it across the table. It hit Alex's handbook and flipped over to reveal the number 20 on its topside.
"That's the best one!" cheered Sarah.
"You sample the liquid with your gloved fingers and bring it under the light of your torch. It's green, and you notice that it's almost... alive... swerving and bubbling. You remember a book you once read about creatures of the Far Realm, Beholders, whose blood carries these exact properties and is green in colour."
"That's that giant eyeball with teeth you've got a toy of."
"Not a toy," Alex countered with a frown. "What do you do next?"
"Alright, I open the door."
"You approach the door and try to open it. It's locked. You notice that despite the blood that's splattered all over it, this door is unlike anything else you've encountered so far; the structure of it appears to be untouched by time and all the elements—"
"Elements?"
"Yes. You know, fire, water, earth, air?"
"Oh. But what if—"
"Quick! You hear the faint but unmistakable sound of footsteps behind you. What will you do, O Mighty Sorceress?" asked the Dungeon Master.
"Hide! I'll use the spell of invisibility!"
Alex sighed a long frustrated frown. "You're not an Illusionist, we've been through this. You already chose your school of magic."
"Well then I want to switch."
"You can't."
"Why not?"
"Because you just can't. Even if I allowed it, you definitely can't just switch in the middle of a dungeon. It's against the rules."
"You're the Dungeon Master, just change the rules."
"No, that would destroy the whole purpose of the game, Sarah, you can't cast an Invisibility spell."
"Why not! I've seen you do it!"
"Well in my friends' campaign, I was—"
"I'm talking about real life!"
Alex regarded his little sister with an expression of bemusement. "What on earth are you talking about?" he asked, clearly annoyed by the whole debate.
"I'm serious, Alex," she persisted. "I've seen you do it." Then she dipped her head lower conspiratorially and spoke in a whisper. "Remember that day you and Liam broke mum's candlestick?"
By now they had completely forgotten about the game in pursuit of the argument.
"We didn't break it and I know you've got no proof, so go on and rat to Mum all you want."
"Well that's because you made it invisible, see? I saw it happen with my own eyes."
"Rubbish."
"It's not rubbish!" Sarah yelled.
"Keep your voice down!" Alex hushed, but to no avail. There were footsteps approaching from the hallway.
The two children hastened to clear the mess from the floor, stashing the books and figurines quickly into the chest underneath Alex's bed before their mother could see what they were up to. The streak of light from the door illuminated their guilty faces and the woman's figure soon stood leaning against the doorframe like a palace guard.
"You two devils still up, then?" she said crossly, though her face wore an understanding smile. "Pack it up, you've an early morning and you haven't even packed for the trip yet."
"I have!" Sarah exclaimed with pride as she returned to her wheelchair.
Alex barely slept that night, kept awake by what his sister had said. He knew that she always had wild ideas about the world, and that Mum and Dad sometimes indulged her fantasies, probably out of guilt, but he also knew that magic is where they would draw the line. Besides, he was only trying to do what a big brother was supposed to, and not fuel any of her false hope. She could never walk and she needed to accept that.
While it was nice to believe in dreams, it wasn't very nice at all once you finally realise that you were wrong.
The backseat of the car was unusually silent during the trip. Sarah didn't utter a word the entire time and Alex began to wonder whether he had been too harsh on her. Then again, maybe she was just giving him her usual cold shoulder because he hadn't let her cast Invisibility. Little sisters weren't meant to play Dungeons and Dragons.
"Here we are, Pickmere lake," their dad announced, pointing at the sign by the road, and suddenly Alex wasn't thinking about Sarah anymore, but about meeting his friends for the first time that summer vacation.
Liam waved at him from over at his family's spot with a look that clearly said 'Come here right now, I've got something amazing to show you'. And amazing it was. His new dice set came with numbers already engraved into it, unlike Alex's which you had to fill in with a biro or a crayon.
"Wicked, eh? Check out this one."
"Yeah."
"You wanna try 'em out?"
"Err... Please tell me you brought the handbook with you," Alex said awkwardly. "I couldn't sneak it past my mum."
"You're a shit Thief, Alex. Stick with Barbarian, it suits you better," Liam teased. "Yeah I brought it, but you know this means we'll be playing my campaign? That is... if you don't prefer Sarah over me by now."
"Shut up, she's been a complete menace all summer. First she stole my Efreeti because she lost her boy barbie then kept him hostage 'til I agreed to do a whole campaign just for her, but she doesn't even want to play! She doesn't wanna learn, I tried for two weeks and she still doesn't know what school of magic she is—wanted to just switch it up in the middle of the dungeon!"
The other boy chuckled. It's only funny when you don't have siblings, Alex thought.
"Where's Pete?" asked Alex.
"Dunno."
The two turned around to look for their friend, but it was not their friend's car they saw driving up towards the clearing, it was Geoffrey's mum's. Alex's muscles tensed immediately.
"What are the chances that it's just Geoffrey's mum come to have a dip?"
Liam shook his head in defeat. "It's a family vacation spot, mate."
And then they saw the prick. And the two other pricks that came out of the car right after him. His friends.
Alex and Liam's eyes snapped to meet each other in unspoken panic. They never told either of their parents that they were being bullied at school, and the blow of them ever finding out about it would hit ten times harder than Goeffrey's soles at your back.
"We can't let him see us, Alex," Liam said, the hand holding the dice now limply resting next to his body in fear.
"Come on."
Alex and Liam wandered off some distance away from the swimming site and found a secluded spot near an old fishing pier behind a thick patch of pine trees. Alex had borrowed some picnic sheets from his mother which they sprawled across the dirt and then laid out the chequered map of today's battle encounter onto it. It was half an hour into the campaign when Pete finally stumbled upon them.
"And where the fuck have you two been?" he exclaimed, panting. "Have you any idea who I just ran into out there?" It then dawned on Alex that he wasn't clutching his chest because he had been running, but because he'd been clocked by Geoffrey and his mates.
"Yeah. We know," Alex said simply.
"That's sort of why we're here."
"Didn't think to let me know?"
The other two shrugged apologetically and that sort of settled it. There existed an unspoken code between the friend group, one which implied that it was every man for himself when it came to Geoffrey. If you got caught you couldn't run to your friends for help, because that would just end up in each of them getting smacked. It was the lesser evil.
Liam took point as the Dungeon Master and led them into the goblin camp where they would meet their current objective: get the escaped elven prisoner and escort him back to Cormanthor, where the Elven Court would bestow justice upon him. As expected, the encounter was easy and short. However, once Alex had got the bright idea of using Detect Illusion, the group found out that the prisoner was not the elf they were looking for, but a goblin in disguise.
"Bloody typical, Liam," Alex said, "it's always just a bunch of dead ends in your campaigns. What's next, the clue scroll we got from the priest isn't really a clue scroll but a mimic? Our gold's just conjured up and about to expire any second?"
Pete sniggered. Meanwhile, Liam stared blankly at Alex; clearly, Alex had guessed one of those correctly. Before they could check on their gold or the clue scroll however, the boys were distracted by the sound that had come from the trees nearby, like that of a twig being snapped in half. Squinting his eyes, Alex could barely make out the shape of...
"Sarah?"
He had jumped to his feet quickly to pull back the curtain of pine branches behind which Sarah was hiding. A twig had got itself stuck in the side of her wheelchair—which is what had made the noise—and she was now struggling to tug it out.
"Here," Alex said as he helped her get loose. But as soon as he was done helping her his face took on a more grim expression. "What are you doing here?" he asked sternly. "You know Mum told you to only go on the paved roads, right? Wait, did you even tell her where you were going?" The guilty expression that crossed Sarah's face for a split moment told Alex everything he needed to know. "She'll be worried sick. I'm taking you back right now. Let's go."
As he made to circle around her, Sarah yelled, "No! Stop, stop, stop!"
Alex sighed.
"I'll go tell Mum, I will, but can I please watch you play after? Please."
He looked from his friends to Sarah's pleading face and rolled his eyes. He'd feel like the biggest prick in the world if he said no right now. "Fine."
"There she is!" echoed a familiar voice from the forest.
"There! Right there!"
"I told you, man!"
A band of boys were coming towards them, and behind them, a stocky blond kid somewhat taller than Alex, whose stomach always seemed to bulge outwards from his trousers regardless of how athletic he was—Geoffrey. As he approached, Alex was reminded of the way a gorilla lumbers across the jungle, stepping heavily, with arms spread out wide and fingers curled tightly into its fists.
Alex cursed under his breath so that Sarah wouldn't hear.
"Oooo, look, there's Alex!"
His lip set in a straight line, Alex summoned whatever confidence he had remaining in order not to bolt right off.
"So what's this about, Alex, sneaking out on your mother to play your creepy game?" Geoffrey asked as soon as he'd caught up with them. He took one look at Sarah and the smirk of opportunity spread across his lips. "I'm Geoffrey," he said to her, "Alex and I are best mates in case you didn't know."
Sarah glanced at her brother for approval but Alex could not bring himself to say anything.
"What, is your girlfriend deaf as well as handicapped?"
"She's my sister you prick!"
"Sister!" the others chorused with laughter.
"Sarah, we're leaving, let's go," said Alex at once.
Geoffrey was quicker. He brute forced his way past Alex to take control of the wheelchair then proceeded to wheel Sarah the other way around, right over the spot where they had set up their game, crushing one of Alex's miniatures in the process. "By all means, allow me," he said politely. "Hmm... grand spot for a picnic," he told Sarah, whose knuckles were white from how hard she was clutching to her armrests. "Say Alex, why didn't you ever tell me you had a sister? Wait... don't tell me you've been hiding her because you're embarrassed for Chrissake."
"It's none of your business..." Alex muttered into his chin.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Thought so."
The taunting grin on Geoffrey's face had Alex's fingers twitching inside his pockets, but all the boy could do was stare at the ground and endure the onslaught, because no amount of pride could ever set aside the truth—nobody at school except his closest friends knew about his fascination with Dungeons & Dragons, nor anything about his home life, and especially not about Sarah. Nobody except Geoffrey. He would pathetically comfort himself with the idea that he had done it for her good. But that's all it was—an idea, a lie. He hadn't done it for Sarah, or for anyone else, he did it for himself. He did it precisely to avoid the humiliation that was happening at this very moment.
"Where're your friends? They run off already?"
Alex shrugged. He was as equally a coward as his friends. It doesn't take a pair of legs to run, after all.
"They always run. Bunch of little twats, I say. Seems this place is free then. C'mon, how about a swim? Hey, Alex, your sister can swim, right? I mean... I don't suppose you really need your legs for it?"
"I can try," Sarah said.
"No you can't," Alex replied firmly.
"Why not? You can just waddle your arms around like this." Geoffrey demonstrated in a taunting fashion(on Sarah). "Dogs can do it."
"She's not a dog, let go of her, bastard."
"Woah, woah, woah... calm down. Have some respect, she thinks she can do it, she can do it, don't be a prat."
It was not until Geoffrey began to roll Sarah farther down towards the shore that the leaden weight in Alex's stomach gave way. He kicked his heels off the ground and rushed over, seizing the larger boy's arm by surprise and twisting it backwards with force. "Leave her alone, leave her alone!" he yelled through his teeth. As though possessed by some sort of instinct, his foot lashed out and connected solidly with Geoffrey's thigh. That soar of relief was only but a fleeting moment in Alex's life, because when Geoffrey swerved around with a menacing yell, Alex was reunited with the humbling taste of blood in his throat.
"You little shit!"
During the dizzy second that it took for Alex to pull his hand away from his nose to notice that it was bleeding, Geoffrey was already upon him. He seized him by the shoulders and pushed him backwards into the dirt, knocking the air out of his lungs. Out of reflex Alex had gripped a handful of the brute's shirt to steady himself, which instead knocked Geoffrey off balance, his foot sliding through the mud as he toppled over Alex, trapping him underneath his weight.
The two boys struggled against each other, Alex kicking his legs to try and get up, and Geoffrey keeping him steadily rooted to the ground with one hand, while the other, now curled into a fist, plastered itself across Alex's cheek, over and over, each time a singe more scathing than the one before.
"Nobody fucks with me! Nobody fucks with me, you hear!"
"...sorry...I'm sorry..."
"Just wait you fucker, I'll tell everyone about you and your freak sister! You think I wont tell everyone? You think I won't?"
"... please... I didn't mean to..."
"Geoff, look!"
The shout had come from one of Geoffrey's friends, but consumed with anger as he was his fists paid no mind to the call, not until the other two tugged him away and pointed over his head.
"Look, mate!"
The sky spun above Alex as he got to his elbows, slowly regaining his breath. Geoffrey's head hung limply above him, his eyes narrowed at the sight of the scene before them. On the pier was Sarah, standing just barely. Her elbows trembled to support the weight of her body as she clutched onto the wooden mooring, leaning over the murky water. The rotted planks creaked ominously beneath her thin frame. She was pale and shaky, but the indelible transfixion that had crept into her face was almost enough to take Alex's breath away.
"Sarah, stop," Alex said flatly. The fear he felt at that moment was enough to strip all emotion from his tone.
"It's alright! I think I can do it!"
"No! No, you can't! Wait, wait! Just wait!"
"It's okay!" Sarah said once more. "You'll be there if I need you! Just use your powers!"
"Please, listen to me!"
A splash, and then the sound of another boy cheering. Those were the two noises Alex last could hear before he too flung himself into the depths of the water after his sister, only to reemerge moments later, breathless and shivering, without Sarah.
He didn't get there in time.
"Now, which one o' yeh can see 'em?" Hagrid's voice brought Alex's mind back to the present. In front of them in the open field the great skeletal creatures flapped their wings, eyeing the crowd of students with caution. Alex blinked the haunting memory away and raised his hand.
The afternoon sun was long lost behind the thick gloomy clouds hovering over the castle grounds and chill wind now whistled through the forest, making the yellowing leaves of the willow tree that Alex settled himself underneath sway. He huddled into his jacket, drawing a scarf over his lips, meanwhile prodding at the stillness of the water with a fallen branch.
And then, a rustling noise from behind took his attention. Instinctively, Alex drew his wand from his sleeve and pointed. The trembling shrubs gave way to the dark, skeletal form of a Thestral, its misty white eyes gouging Alex and asking for permission to approach, its exhale a haunting rattle like wind through a pipe. Strangely unsettling.
"Bugger off!"
When the beast did not move, Alex dug one of the stones from the dirt and shot carelessly in its direction. It gave a rattling snort, shook its boney head, then turned and slowly retreated back into the trees.
Alex sighed and returned to solitude. He was glad to be rid of it, he wanted nothing to do with Thestrals. Sure, Hagrid went on and on about how lovely they were but Alex did not care, not for anything that sparked these dreadful bouts of melancholy. He smiled at himself foolishly for believing that one day he might be rid of the memories.
As his gaze drifted between the great castle in the distance and the lake in front a chill fell upon him—there was Sarah's face unmistakably staring back up at him from the water. He quickly whipped the image away with the branch and stood up to combat the chill in his spine. That's when he saw the pale shape approaching him from behind the tree trunks. He squinted and immediately recognised Luxanna.
She was mumbling something to herself, probably unaware that he could see her. He had come here by broom, how had she managed to follow him? And why? Despite their friendship having become official, Alex couldn't shake the feeling that Luxanna did not truly see him as such. Not that he blamed her whatsoever.
Friendship used to come easy to Alex, at least in the Muggle world. But those memories were reminiscent of another life, one where he was not a wizard, one where Sarah was still alive. His childhood would haunt him for the rest of his life, that was the price of ignorance.
He forced a smile when he called out for her, "Lux!"
"Alex!"
"What are you doing here?" asked Alex once she had reached him. Nonetheless, just the sight of her had already cheered him up slightly.
"I was looking for you, obviously," she said matter-of-factly, not betraying an ounce of worry.
"Well, you found me."
"Why did you wander off? I saw how you reacted to those... Tesstrolls. That friend of yours, Spinster, explained everything to me. It must mean you saw somebody die, doesn't it? I'm lucky to say I never have. Who was it?" she said all this without pause, but upon noticing Alex's frown, she simply added, "Oh. You don't have to talk about it."
Luxanna wasn't much for comfort, but surprisingly enough her clumsiness and her disregard for social cues was rather sweet in its own way. That was her take on compassion, he figured.
"No, that's alright," said Alex. "Sit down. I'll tell you everything..."
Alex began recalling the story of his little sister's death, of her disability, of how his primary school bully had teased her that day, and of how much Alex desperately missed her. But most importantly, he told her about how much Sarah loved magic and of how she believed in it with her whole heart. As Luxanna sat beside him and nodded along, Alex quickly found himself sinking into a wave of calm. He could hardly recall the last time he'd openly spoken about Sarah to somebody who wasn't his mum.
"Sarah always wished to be a witch. When I received the letter I couldn't believe it, I actually thought Geoffrey had sent it, can you imagine? But then Professor McGonagall came in not long after... and told me that I'm a wizard I—" Fighting against the lump in his throat proved to be a losing battle, and Alex soon sank into a wave of sobs, his shoulders trembling. "I hated myself..." Alex continued with shaky breaths, "I hated myself for failing Sarah, and I hated magic for failing me that day. What's the fucking point of being a wizard if I couldn't save her back then?"
The two sat side by side with only Alex's quiet sobs breaking the silence. Luxanna said nothing but continued to gaze off into the distance, perhaps lost in her own reverie and not even listening to him. It didn't matter—for Alex who had nobody, just her presence was enough. Then it suddenly occurred to him that despite everything, Luxanna would not be sitting on a damp wooden dock in the middle of the woods if she did not care.
"Lux, your skirt..."
"All of this and you still can't stand up for yourself?" replied Luxanna, ignoring his comment.
"What?"
"Warrington and Montague," she continued, now meeting his gaze, "after all that, you still let them get away with it."
"What am I supposed to do?" Alex said pathetically.
"Even your sister fought back, and she was 9 years old!"
"That's not the same, that's—"
"She fought no matter the cost."
"The cost? The cost was her dying for it..." Alex countered, but that wasn't even the truth. Sarah didn't die to prove the bullies wrong, she died defending him. She never would have considered diving into that water had Geoffrey not attacked him. She never would have even been in that place if Alex hadn't been a miserable sod who couldn't fend off his bullies. You're still a miserable sod who can't fend off your bullies, a small voice told him. Merlin, he was tired.
"That's not the point. She didn't know she was going to die; she only knew she did not stand for being belittled, or her brother being belittled. And what have you done with that? Did you learn nothing? Are you going to keep being a bystander, or are you going to honour that little girl's memory by sticking up for yourself for once?"
"I can't stand up for myself, Lux, I just can't, I'm not like you. Soon as I see those two, I freeze up, it's no use, it's like I'm incapable, I think I already proved that plenty."
"No," Luxanna said sternly. "You only proved that you're so adamant not to succeed that you've actually damned yourself into incapability. By believing it, you've made it true."
It was a rather philosophical statement. Had he not known Luxanna any better, he'd have thought she was mocking him, but the sheer adamancy of her words told him that, despite the level look on her face, she was emotionally invested enough to nag at him. She expected better from him, except Alex wasn't sure if he could ever truly meet those expectations.
A distant sound of the bell was heard from the castle in front of them, marking the end of their lunch break. Luxanna got up and dusted off her skirt.
"Let's go," said Luxanna as she got to her feet, "we have a Yule Ball to prepare for."
"A what-now?"
Despite Luxanna's great protest, Alex insisted on taking them back to Hogwarts by broom so as to not be late for Charms. They landed safely on a balcony some distance away from the prying eyes of the Astronomy Tower, Luxanna's white knuckles still tightly wrenched around his waist.
"I love flying," he said pensively. The paleness of Luxanna's face showed that she evidently did not share the sentiment.
Once he had pried her fingers off him (and with great effort) she muttered something about getting caught, and '... a lifetime's worth of detention.'
"Always glad to have a prefect with me," he said. Luxanna frowned at his comment.
"Since you like flying so much why don't you..." she began as they walked down the corridor, but he knew exactly what she was about to say and interrupted her.
"Forget about it. Warrington would never let me join the team." Alex had long since given up hope of ever joining the Quidditch team, his love of sports was another thing he had left behind in the Muggle world. "Now, what's this ball thing you mentioned?"
"Ah yes, my father told me about it. The ball is most important, Alex, it's customary to the tournament. You might've noticed that you were required to bring dress robes this year. You'll also need a date. It's quite formal, you see."
"Oh, you've got somebody in mind?"
"Goodness, no. How about you? What about..." she paused, apparently trying to decide how much was polite to ask. Alex felt a warmth in his chest to know that she was even remotely interested in his personal life.
"I dunno..." said Alex, blushing. His thoughts drifted to the handsome Italian and the serene night they had spent out in the garden talking. Antonio was the sort of naturally charming boy to make just about the most stern person feel comfortable, and conversations with him flowed as if they had known each other for years. "I wanted to ask this Beauxbatons bloke, but I'm not rightfully sure that he's..."
"But you fancy him, you're..." she paused again, and Alex was almost sure she was about to say 'gay' but shirked away at the last second. "You should take your chance and ask."
"Yes, I fancy him, but he's just gonna end up going back to Beauxbatons and forgetting about me."
"All the more reason to ask so that you know you're not wasting your time."
The two friends entered the Charms' classroom after having battled a strenuous amount of stairs. Alex couldn't help but overhear how immediately upon their arrival all of the classmates began whispering about the Witch Weekly article. A week had passed and the rumours were still as lively as ever. Alex turned towards Luxanna to see if she was alright and surely enough, just as he had expected, Luxanna appeared as unbothered as ever, engrossed in rereading and jotting down her final touches on the colour-changing charm essay.
"Say, Lux..." he said. Luxanna didn't answer so he just continued, "What are you going to do about the Weasleys?"
At the mention of them, Luxanna's head whipped around. "Nothing, I'm sure they are more troubled by the rumours than I'll ever be. I mean, did you hear that Howler? That was beyond embarrassing... It'll have to do for now," she added with the slightest curve of her lip—a strange motion for somebody as forbidding as Luxanna, and yet the smile was no more telling than the face she usually displayed. For somebody who usually wore his heart on his sleeve like Alex, Luxanna's motives were a sore mystery. Perhaps she preferred to keep it that way, always leaving a trail of uncertainties behind her; she never even explained how she had managed to tweak that Ageing Potion a few weeks ago.
Alex couldn't help but wonder whether she had ever smiled sincerely, or laughed for that matter. He hoped to be there when she finally did.
"Good evening my dear students. Settle down now, please!" The chattering and whispering quietened once Professor Flitwick entered the classroom and settled at his desk. "As we prepare for this year's O.W.L. examinations, I'd like you to be mindful of..."
"Ow!" Alex exclaimed, looking over his shoulder. Something had just hit him in the back of his head. Two desks across, Triss Selwyn was lounging back in her chair with a taunting smirk plastered on her face, clearly trying to get Luxanna's attention by picking on her friend.
Without much consideration, Alex leant down to pick up the ball of paper. He drew his wand, aimed it at Selwyn's feet and carefully muttered a shoelace binding jinx. He then sat up, and with an unapologetic look on his face levitated Selwyn's bag from where it was hung over her chair and spilt its content all over the floor, a mischievous satisfaction worming its way into his chest.
Selwyn was so scandalised by this that she immediately jumped from her seat in protest, but no sooner before she could take a step, she tripped on her own feet and stumbled over the desk and onto the floor with a loud scream and a clatter of furniture.
Luxanna whipped her head to the sound, then raised her eyebrow at Alex whose smug expression was apparently incriminating enough for her to realise exactly what had happened.
Alex could swear that he saw a quick smile flash across her face.