She was terrified, scared out of her mind, but she had one comfort. One love, and her name was the last word on her lips before everything went black.

I'm not sure what was scarier: everything happening, or the fact that I was actually becoming used to it.

I never slept. I lay awake at night, just thinking. And thinking. And thinking a bit more. My head didn't even hurt anymore. It was hollow, like a plastic bag. Like it wasn't real.

I was tired all the time, tired and sick and empty. It was like someone had reached into my heart and ripped my soul out.

Who was Kira? Why were they doing this? Who would ever want to kill so many people? Why were they doing this to me?

I hated Kira. I'd never hated anyone so much before. It was this rage inside me, this volcanic, awful rage. Without Kira, I wouldn't have to be the Anti-Kira. It was their fault.

(The other half of the time, I felt nothing towards them. Tired and hollow.)

I didn't want to kill anyone, but Kira was testing it. They were human, right? Would I be able to kill them? Did they deserve it? What if they were someone I knew?

I hated being strong, but I hated Kira even more. They were a monster.

Mei was right. No matter what, when the time came, I'd kill Kira myself. Then I'd never touch that damn Life Note again.

I tried to sleep.

…

…

Nope, didn't work. I was still awake, my brain churning with 9999 thoughts.

What did it mean to be a hero?

Maybe Kira thought themself a hero. Was L a hero? What about Dad? Myself?

I didn't want to be one. It was too much.

"You must sleep," Guardian told me.

"How could I possibly sleep?!" I demanded.

I groaned, falling onto the ground. My hair was spread out. I sat there for ages and ages, time flying by. Time always moved so slow whenever I couldn't sleep. My chest rose and fell. Guardian laid beside me.

"You have grown up," they told me, almost… affectionate?

"Whatever, Mom," I groaned. I didn't want to hear it.

Guardian stared at me, their eyes hollow. Suddenly, they moved in, pulling me close. It wasn't the same as being hugged by a human. There were so many arms, and their skin was like ice. Yet, at the same time, it was comforting. Not enough to hurt, but secure enough to feel safe. The coldest, yet warmest hug I'd had in a while.

And for the millionth time, I cried and cried and cried. My fists clenched into balls. Guardian was so cold. I didn't want them to let go.

I didn't want to believe Misa was Kira, or the 2nd Kira, or involved in this at all. I couldn't kill her. I didn't want to kill someone I knew, someone I liked.

But I knew I'd have to. That terrified me more than anything.

The ultimate sacrifice…

I opened up the Life Note. I wrote down the names of the people Misa had supposedly killed. All those TV presenters, all those innocent civilians.

I was getting angrier by the second. I couldn't sleep. Blood was pumping, so loud. The tears burned.

When I came to see the task force, I wasn't quite expecting to see Misa tied up in their basement.

I shivered, watching her struggle and cry. How long was it until they tied me up and locked me away, like some kind of experiment?

"Pretty scary, right?" Matsuda asked.

He was shaking badly, reminding me of, uh, myself.

"Well, at least she's locked up," Matsuda added. "She can't hurt anyone."

"If she really is Kira 2," I muttered.

"You don't think she is?" Matsuda asked.

I stared into his warm brown eyes. He was kind of cute, reminding me of some of the boys back at school. Most of them grossed me out - Hideki Ryuga was the only guy my heart was after. But Matsuda wasn't so bad either.

I looked away. Why was I even thinking about boys when I had a girlfriend?!

"... who knows anymore," I sighed.

L must've noticed my staring. He devoured his cake, before turning to me.

"We're not going to lock you up," he said, "for the moment."

"For the moment?!" I stammered.

He returned to his usual dessert. "For now… we'll wait and see what she says. What does your Guardian think?"

"Well?" I looked at Guardian.

"I am unable to reveal the identity of Kira," Guardian told me, "as it goes against our sacred code."

"'Sacred code'?" I snapped. "But they're killing people!"

"That is correct," Guardian replied, "however, our relationship with the Shinigami Realm is… complicated. Eons ago, many rules were created between us. It is a long and treacherous tale, but one of the rules is we cannot intercept what they believe is 'entertaining'."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"While we can give you a Life Note, we cannot reveal the identities of Kira as it will intercept 'the game'," Guardian replied. "We provide tools, but not the answers."

I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throttle them.

"What are they saying?" L asked.

Matsuda reached out, putting a hand on my shaking shoulder. Naomi stood behind me, her brow furrowed. Dad walked over.

"Sayu…" his voice was shaking.

(I suppose it was ironic that I could tell him I was the Anti-Kira, but not the fact I had a girlfriend…)

"They said something about how they can't 'break the rules of the game'," I replied.

"I knew it," L sighed. "We're all stuck in the game of higher entities, using humans as their proxy. They get into our heads, use us as tools, then leave us to die."

I stared up at Guardian. I put my hands over my ears.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I said, running away.

My cheeks were burning. I leaned against the sink, eyeing myself in the mirror. Heavy bags were under my eyes. My hair was a mess. But… I didn't care anymore, honestly.

"So…" I uttered. "We're just like chess pieces."

I felt like throwing up.

"Sayu…" Guardian held out a hand.

But I did not want to hear it from them anymore. Behind the niceties, I knew exactly what they really thought of me.

"You angels like to think you're the good guys, but you're just as bad," I told them. "If you really wanted me to stop Kira, then you'd tell me who they are."

Guardian didn't respond to that. I glared at them.

"I'm just another part of your stupid game," I laughed. "Well… I guess I'm the stupid one for thinking you actually cared about me, huh?"

"Sayu, I truly care for you," Guardian replied. "You are a wonderful-"

"Shut up!" I snapped. "I don't want to hear your crap. You're a liar. You're a killer! I hate you!"

And I was shaking again, my chest heaving.

"You're the real bad guys here," I spat. "We're just your toys."

Guardian made a whimper. I stepped towards them.

"We're going to kill you too," I threatened, "I swear it. You'll never mess with humans again."

I was not an intimidating person in the slightest, Anti-Kira or not. But for once, I didn't care. I was not going to be some puppet. No one was. I would protect humanity from these awful creatures… starting with Kira themself.