A/N: TW for suicidal thoughts.

All along, it was all for her. Before long, she would be crowned as queen.

You know, despite everything I went through, I still believed life was pretty great. I wanted to believe humanity had hope.

There were good people. Maybe some bad people, but good always won, didn't it?

Life was simple like that. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe everything was okay.

Why did I have to be wrong?

I hadn't got out of bed for a while. It was a nice bed. The duvet was purple, one of my favourite colours. The pillow was soft, Mom brought up breakfast, and sleep came easy.

Days kinda slipped in and out. I felt older, younger, then I felt nothing. I was sick for a while. Mom was crying. Dad watched me, his expression hard to read. My brother held my shoulder, but I barely even noticed.

Had it been a week? Weeks? Or maybe only a few hours.

Mei came in, keeping me up to date with homework and assignments and all the latest gossip. She said everyone missed me. She missed me.

(Then

Then

Then….

It happened.

It shouldn't have happened. It wasn't fair. No no no.)

The sickness was welling up. My vision was blurry. I swallowed, thickly. Guardian was talking to me, I think. I could barely hear them.

Was that Matsuda? He was offering me a hot drink. I could barely taste it.

Was that L in the distance? Or was that God? God, sitting on their throne, laughing at me, tearing me apart, my stupid, stupid little mind. Run away, they dared me. Run and never return.

I was so tired of all this. I didn't want to do it anymore. Hell, I didn't even want to be alive. I was ready to throw myself into the sun, but I wasn't a Phoenix, so I'd just burn into a pile of useless ash.

Misa came, finally freed from her awful prison. She leaned next to me, smiling, offering me laughs and hugs and warmth. Somehow, she made the sky a little brighter, just for a few moments. She usually brought treats as well, which was nice.

I felt I should've been lucky, being surrounded by so many kind people. But it just made the pain worse. I was letting everyone down.

"Sayu…"

It was Dad. Dad kneeled beside me, his brow knitted. He looked so much older, like he'd aged ten years in a few weeks. All my fault.

My hair was greasy. Dad put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "My little girl. You shouldn't have been dragged into this."

His voice was creaking, sounding as old as he looked. My eyes welled up, tears glistening. I swallowed.

The Life Note was sitting on my desk, watching me as intently as Guardian themself. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to go back in time, telling myself to ignore the Life Note.

But it had chosen me. In the end, I couldn't escape it, no matter how many times I closed my eyes.

I slept anyway.

My brother visited me a lot. Of course, he still had his studies and his own investigation, but he made time for me, he always did.

"Sayu…" Light's brow furrowed even deeper. He looked as old as Dad.

(All my fault.)

He pulled me into a gentle hug, his hand combing through my hair. My tears stained his shirt, but he didn't seem to care. I felt him trembling. I swear I heard him mumble something into my hair, something incoherent, something along the lines of I'm sorry.

"Lightie…?" I asked.

My brother pulled back, immediately snapping out of it. His eyes softened.

He sighed. "Get some rest, Sayu. It's really late."

I couldn't tell how long I'd been awake for. I hardly noticed the time anymore.

I went back to bed. I wanted to hide under the covers and disappear forever. My brother stood up, turning to leave.

"Wait, Lightie…" I reached out.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I've been making it hard for you…"

"It's alright," Light told me, his smile gentle. "It's been hard on all of us. Mom and Dad are proud of you. Plus, we're gonna stop Kira, aren't we? You're the Anti-Kira."

I was so relieved he was on my side. What would I do without him? I wish I could've had even a scrap of his brain skills, but it was fine otherwise. He made me believe in myself.

I nodded. "We got this." I swallowed. "You won't leave me, will you, Light?"

"I won't," Light promised, giving me a rare smile. "Seriously, though. It's really late."

I sighed, turning over. I heard my brother sighing, deeply. Almost like it was painful for him to breathe.

He leaned over, kissing the top of my head, just like Mom. Then he left me in the dark.

I didn't sleep much, but I did cry.

I got a message from an anonymous number, but I knew who it was.

University, it said. 6pm.

I didn't want to go, but not like I had anything else on. Dad was out, Mom was in bed. Light was doing work. I was almost alone.

Guardian was silent. They didn't bother talking to me anymore. I would've never listened.

That afternoon, I snuck out.

Naomi was ahead, dark hair swaying in the wind. I ran towards her, hugging myself. It was a nice day. The sunset stretched around us, glowing orange.

"Sayu," she looked at me.

"Hey, Naomi," I greeted, my tone lacking any enthusiasm.

She breathed, deeply, like a teacher about to give you a bad mark.

"If Kira was someone you knew," she said, "could you forgive them?"

"Depends who it is, I guess," I said. I crossed my arms. "I know you think my brother is Kira. And I bet you think Misa-Misa is Kira. They're not. They're both innocent!"

"Then who?" Naomi asked.

"I don't know!" I shouted, feeling tears already. "Why did you ask me to come here?! Did you just want to make me feel worse?!"

"Why did they choose you?" she asked. "If you can't make the ultimate sacrifice… then Kira wins."

"I will kill Kira!" I insisted.

"Even if Kira was your brother?" she asked. "Even if they were your friend, Mei?"

I thought about it all. I had resurrected both those killed by Kira and the 2nd Kira. I'd saved so many people. So many lives… all in exchange for one. Could I do it?

I pictured Light, smiling at me. Then he was grinning, evilly. A red gleam came from his eyes.

Then he was smiling again, the brother I'd always known.

"I…" I swallowed. "I don't know…"

"There is only one way," she said.

People appeared everywhere. My father was there. I saw L, I saw Matsuda, I saw Ray, everyone was watching. I was on top of the world, and I hated it.

"What is this?!" I cried out.

"This is how it was always going to be," L said.

Light approached before me, but his expression was impossible to read.

"Lightie…" I muttered.

"You can't make the ultimate sacrifice," my brother said, holding up a gun, "but I can."

BANG

And then I was gone.