Hey hey! I'm the worst, but it's written through roughly to the end, so I'll try an update weekly! Please please please review and let me know what you think !
The sun rose early two days later; an effect of the moon rising so early. Lily and Tonks were ready, having apparated into her room at headquarters just moments before it crossed the sky.
As they rushed down the stairs into the kitchen, James turned the corner, thankfully having heard them he was not startled. He grabbed his wife quickly and Tonks skidded to a precarious halt. He looked exhausted. Lily's heart broke.
"It was that bad?" She asked him. Tonks held her breath.
"Not exactly. It was long. Very, very long. But once he was all wolf the anger died out." Lily worked to follow the things her husband wasn't saying. "Leave him there for a bit." He said, walking them into the kitchen and pulling out cups for tea. Tonks wasn't having it. She had to see him, to know he was okay.
"James I-" He cut Tonks off gently with a wave of his hand
"I know Tonks. I do. And I know you don't want to be told what to do, and that you have every right to go down there. And I won't stop you. But I think it would be better for you and Remus if you stayed here for a minute. Please." Something about the tone in his voice caused her to sit down and listen.
"Just tell me if he's okay." She begged, as Lily wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. James was at a loss for words. He couldn't lie to her, but he couldn't tell her the truth. He made a compromise.
"He actually, physically, has no cuts or anything. I think the transformation was more painful; well I know it was. We heard it. But it happened so early… he didn't want us waiting down there. And then by time it was real… we just barely got there in time to make sure he didn't hurt himself. But i don't think the potion did anything. But he's not hurt. And we're fine." Lily saw right through him, he prayed Tonks wasn't as observant.
She was.
"So he's down there beating himself up mentally about something?" She asked. James hesitated a moment too long. Lily let out a discouraged breath. He was beating himself up for hurting her, wondering the damage he would have inflicted if he'd hit her instead of the wall.
"Oh." Tonks rubbed her hands together, her eyes locked on the table. "Should I leave?" The question was a whisper. James turned his back to her as he made tea, he didn't want her to see the pain in his eyes. He knew what Remus was going to do. What Sirius was trying to talk him out of doing.
"I'm sorry Tonks, I don't know." The defeat was evident in his voice. She nodded her head. Chewing on her lip for a moment she looked at Lily.
"I don't know how to do this." She said, her eyes letting Lily in to the parts of her spirit only Remus had really ever seen. "Is it me?" She asked both the Potters, yet no one in particular. James ran a stressed hand through his messy hair.
"Tonks I'm sorry I don't know. I can't figure it out either. I've known him for so long and he's never-" A crash from downstairs cut him off. They all hesitated only a second before James threw the door open, wishing at the same moment he hadn't done it.
Sirius's shouting prevented the men in the basement from hearing the audience they'd acquired. So Tonks, Lily, and James stood at the top of the stairs and listened.
"... Do it then! Break her heart and break yours in the process! Ruin your friendships and run off on some dangerous mission because you think you're so able to save the world. Go be a Gryffindor! But so help me Moony if you die out there I will not be the only one to resurrect you just so we can kill you again!" Remus stared his friend down, letting the weight and the truth of what Sirius was saying sink in.
He was being a Gryffindor prat as Dora would call it. But he was too far committed to back out now just because Sirius said some true words.
"I have to do this. Did you see the pain I caused her? Sirius I took her darkest fears and spit them in her face. And I didn't even care I didn't-"
"Forty- eight years Moony. Forty-eight years until this moon comes again! You think that one slip up into anger is enough to deny your ability to care for her? That it zeros out all the years of perfection you've had?! I've said worse to you and James, and Lily! What's my excuse? I just have an alarming ability to be a fat git, but I guess now it's your turn if you're just going to give up on her that way." Sirius was livid.
"I have to do this, padfoot. I have to go to the colony, and I have to do it now. The red moon passed. This is the only way." Remus slipped back into his old ways. Into denying himself happiness, into disregarding any logic his friends had for him.
"So that's it then? When do you leave?" Sirius was giving up, he knew it was futile now. Remus would just have to see for himself.
"Four days. You heard the patronus just as well as I did." As he said the words Lily gasped from the top of the stairs, giving away their poorly concealed location. Remus choked on his next breath as both men peered around the corner.
Sirius cursed loudly, Remus froze.
The look in Dora's eyes could have killed him. Maybe she wanted it to. James tried to mask the disappointment in his own eyes, but Remus saw right through it. He was letting everyone down, and he couldn't bring himself to care enough to stop.
Throwing caution to the wind Sirius looked up at Tonks. "Can you try and talk some sense into him? Because he won't listen to me." Remus could have punched the man next to him.
"Come with me." Tonks said, and without waiting for his reply she walked away, he heard her going up the steps. Remus waited, considering his options, before following her anyway.
"Don't hurt her." Lily whispered desperately as he passed by.
"I have to do what's best for her." He said, slowing down.
"Maybe what you think is best, isn't actually what's best." James countered. Remus just shrugged, walking up the stairs, into her room where she sat on the bed, her back to him, just like she had a few days before.
"Do I get to say anything?" She asked, not turning around. He left the door open, he didn't want her to think this would be a long conversation.
"You can say anything, Nympha-" She spun to glare at him. He caught himself with the fire in her eyes. "Tonks," He corrected, his voice too soft "You can say anything. You know that." He didn't want her to hate him, but then again that may be the only way to get her through this without giving her false hope.
"But will it change anything? Will I just be wasting my breath?" She was so angry. He could taste it in the air. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to give her what she wanted, everything she wanted. But he couldn't.
"I have to go on this mission, Tonks. It's my contribution to the-"
"Dammit Remus!" She hit the bed, he stood firm, wanting to wrap his arms around her in comfort. He couldn't give in. "You don't have to. You're choosing this. Because you think this is what you deserve. You beat yourself up for making a stupid mistake, and wallow in your self pity until you find a cause just enough for your own opinions on self-punishment. You do not have to do this, and dumbledore is a fool for making you feel like you do." He knew she didn't mean the words about the headmaster, he hoped she didn't.
"You think far too highly of me." He resigned to saying, knowing he was setting himself up for an argument.
"You should try it sometime." She shot back, standing up and walking over to him. "I love you." She said desperately, looking into his eyes. He had to look away.
"I can't." He whispered, bracing himself for the hit he hoped she would take at him. To his horror she stepped back.
"This is not over." She said, he knew what she was saying, he knew she wasn't the crazy ex girlfriend type. He knew she realized he loved her too.
"I leave on Saturday morning, six o'clock to catch the pack before the head off to their new location. I'll be leaving my wand here, and won't have an easy way to communicate. I can't leave you here worrying about some foolish old werewolf who shouldn't have given you such hopes for a positive future. This is over." He said the words, letting them cut straight into his heart. The pain was maddening, heavy, and dark.
She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. There was a beat of miserable silence, and then she apparated. James ran up the stairs when e heard the pop, telling Lily to go to Tonk's flat. He figured it wasn't Remus that left. He rushed into the pink witch's bedroom, seeing his best friend standing hopelessly in the middle of it.
"Remus." He began, walking over and setting a hand on the man's shoulder. "You don't have to do this mate. You were happy. Be happy." He begged with the man, knowing it was futile. His reason for joy just left him standing alone in her bedroom.
"I can't. It has to be this way." James shook his head, but remained silent.
Four days later three friends stood at the door of Grimmauld place. Nobody said anything about the absence of pink hair, but they all felt it. Just as Remus gave one last hug to Lily, she slipped a piece of paper in his hands.
"Come back to us." She whispered.
He nodded to her. "Three weeks. I'll see you at the meeting in three weeks." He reminded them, and himself. He could handle the small increments of time. Three week spans away from his best friends, from the woman he… don't think about her. Not now. She deserves more. He took one more steadying breath and pushed away from them all, with a loud pop he disapparated to the forest, where he stood alone and opened Lily's note.
Remus,
The curling script was not Lily's and not what he expected to see. But it was writing he knew well. It's beauty did not match the clumsy had that owned it. He felt his eyes prick with tears as he saw her writing form his name. He kept reading.
I missed the chance to see you off. I didn't want to make it harder for either of us. It has taken me four days to figure out what to write here. But I still don't know. I don't know what you want me to say. So instead of starting an argument we would never get to finish, here:
Come back alive. Whether you come back to me or not. I do not want to exist in world you are not in. Stay safe. Stay in touch with James when you can. And whether you want them or not, expect more letters.
You tried to return it, but I'm leaving my heart with you.
~ Tonks.
She had a point, he did try to return it. He folded the letter and set it in his coat pocket. The woman was relentless, and since she wouldn't be seeing him anytime soon he let himself smile. She wrote to him. All the pain he put her through and she still cared for him.
He hated himself for it.
Pressing on into the woods, he tried to shed the personality he put on himself over the last years. Every step pushed him farther away from normal life, from real love, from simple living. It all had to stay behind him. He slipped into the darker parts of the woods, keeping his breathing even, his steps slow. There was no rush. A twig cracked in front of him, he resisted the urge to reach for the wand he knew he didn't have. He saw the figure behind the tree's and heard the dark chuckle. Victory.
"Greyback." He called into the darkness. "I come needing a pack." He heard a snarl from behind the trees. He couldn't imagine the mans anger during the red moon.
"What, your precious leader wasn't good enough for you?" Greyback stepped out, taking a few steps closer to Remus.
"No, he decided I wasn't good enough." Remus spat the words, hating that he had to say them outloud, knowing he would have to continue. "The bat just doesn't understand. I left him, but he doesn't know I'm here. I'm willing to work for you, as a spy to him if you will give me safety in a pack." It was a long shot, he knew it. But If Greyback said no all he would have to do would be to wandlessly apparate back to Grimmauld.
"You'll tell me everything I need to know about him and his little army?" Greyback's interest was peaked. Am I that believable? Remus nodded, keeping his face as impassive as possible.
"Anything you need." He lied easily. This was his life. Lying to people. Lying to Dora. No.
"Come with me." Greyback turned and walked deeper into the woods. Remus shuddered one last time, setting his hand on the note in his pocket and marching deeper into the woods.
The weeks passed by quickly, and before he knew what was happening he was six weeks in. Greyback had yet to allow him to leave for a meeting. He had gone six weeks without interaction with his friends, instead of the three he thought it would be. He knew they would be worried sick. The letter's from Tonks had all but ceased, and he'd had no idea how she managed to get them to him. He was sitting on his bunk in the tent, when he pulled them out.
Remus,
If you have things to say write them and leave them where you found this letter, I'll get them. Don't lose hope.
Tonks
Don't lose hope, she said, like she knew he would be fighting to keep every human part of himself no matter how hard it would be for him. She knew him so well.
Remus,
Harry keeps writing. He asked us about you, why you weren't giving your insight in the letters anymore. I lied to him. Come back home.
Tonks
She was using the boy he loved to try and bribe him into changing his mind. He hated and loved her for it. He wrote back asking what Harry needed help with, her next letter ignore his question.
Remus,
See writing back wasn't so hard. I may hate you, but I was glad to know you're still okay. Any women from the pack catching your fancy? Just kidding, I mean I hope you're happy, but I don't think you are.
You don't write enough for me to believe that.
Tonks
He began to crave the friendship her letters made him feel, brushing over the part where she mentioned hating him. He couldn't imagine the pain it was causing her to write him these things after he had treated her so poorly. He couldn't let her hang onto hope he would come back to her. It wasn't right. He couldn't be that selfish. He did the only thing he knew do to.
He wrote back
Tonks,
Please, don't keep writing. I can't have you hurting yourself this way. You know I'm not for you. Find true love, someone who will treat you the way your deserve. Please pass on greetings to everyone.
I'm sorry. I truly am. But you deserve better.
Her response was very quick, and enough to crush him again. Yet he kept the letter, and read it anytime he needed to feel close to her.
I know you're alive, because the letters disappear. But I'm worried about you. I received your last letter. And I guess I'll listen. If you want me gone so much, I'll stop. I'm sorry I bothered you for so long. It won't happen any longer.
Please, just don't die.
He hated himself for writing back to her the way he did. He loved her, and he hated himself for that too. He felt Andrew shift in the bunk under him.
"Reading again?" The young boy called up. Remus had taken a liking to the kid. Andrew got pulled into all this pack stuff just about a year ago, but he wasn't darkened by it. Not yet.
"Just thinking." Remus replied. Andrew didn't understand why someone would write letters to a wolf, Remus was thankful he could show the boy that there was still good in the world. But the meeting was coming up, he was waiting for Greyback to give him permission to leave for a few days. Apparently the decision would be made today.
"Think he'll let you go?" Andrew asked, reminding Remus of Harry and Ron with all the questions he had. Remus shrugged, knowing the boy couldn't see him.
"I hope so." He said, just as the tent opening was tossed open, and the man himself walked in.
"Okay Lupin." Greyback said. "You get four days. If you fail to return I will come for you." The threat was left incomplete. Remus knew it was his life on the line. He nodded. "Go. Now." Greyback said.
The full moon was in six days, so he would come back just before it hit. He could handle that. Four days with his friends. He threw a goodbye to Andrew he waved with a sad smile, and rushed through the tent door. He walked briskly through the woods, not thinking about anything except a warm shower and his friends as he disapparated back to Grimmauld place. It wasn't until he was standing outside the door he realized it was five in the morning, and everyone would likely be sleeping. He knew the door would open to his touch, but he wasn't sure he wanted to startle everyone by walking in to early. He stood on the porch, debating, but the rain that had begun to pour down made the decision for him, as he pushed the door open and stepped gently inside.
The hallway was empty as he expected, but he heard voices from the kitchen. He did not see the brown haired witch at the counter, and could not make out the words of padfoot as he spoke to her. Remus didn't know she fell asleep on the counter, and didn't know the conversation that had happened between Tonks and Sirius as he stood outside
Just moment before Remus opened the door Sirius walked down the stairs, leaving James and Lily asleep. He appreciated the quiet time in the morning, but when he got to the bottom he saw his cousins black coat resting over the railing. Seeing her sleeping on the counter he made sure to be quiet until he knew she must wake up to get to her missions. It was her day to patrol the hogwarts grounds undercover, as dumbledore had recently left and couldn't leave it unprotected. Sirius shook the woman's shoulder after getting her a mug of coffee.
"Dora." He called gently, knowing the speed of her reflexes. Without lifting her head she had her wand pointed directly at his face. Sirius stepped back, hands up, knowing she wouldn't blindly jinx him… hoping she wouldn't blindly jinx him.
The mop of mousy brown hair lifted from the counter, and tired grey eyes looked up at him. Her wand dropped, and she cracked the tiniest of smiles.
"Sorry Sirius, didn't mean to knock out there." She said, running a thin hand through her hair and standing up. She gestured at the white mug on the counter. "One for me?" Sirius pushed it toward her and she nodded, thankful.
"Apparate to the gate then go patrol from there?" Sirius asked her, referring to the mission ahead of her. She gave a small nod still holding the mug as if it were a life raft. Sirius didn't ask any other questions, only watched her eyes stare blankly at the floor as they had for weeks now.
"Padfoot, you awake?" He heard Remus call up the stairs, trying to hide the surprise in his face. He watched as his baby cousin's eyes went from hopelessly broken, to intentionally guarded in a second. She tugged at the shirt that fell off her too thin body waited for Sirius to speak.
"In the kitchen Moony." He called uncertainly. "Didn't expect you to be back today." Sirius called, keeping his voice level, watching as the woman in front of him quietly tossed papers in the bag she carried with her. She was preparing to leave, Sirius reach toward her.
"Stay cuz." He whispered, hoping she could feel welcome here still, wishing she wouldn't run out like she was planning to. Her eyes darted up to him as the door was swung open, Remus didn't see her right away because of where she was standing, Sirius noticed the dead look in his eyes that matched the one in hers.
"Yeah well things weren't going well with the wolves, and the coming of the full moon I just needed to come- what are you looking-?" Remus's words fell short as he turned and saw his Dora, no not his Dora - Tonks - standing behind him, bag on her shoulder ready to slip out. He drank in her figure, the hair that she couldn't morph, the eyes that she kept guarded, and the clothes that fell of her too thin form in every way they shouldn't.
"Nymph- er, Tonks…" He didn't know what to say, he felt his heart falling. He felt his world crashing again over his head. She looked at him expectantly eyebrows raised.
"What Remus?" She asked, waiting for a completion of the sentence he never meant to start. The man's head was blank, and he stumbled over words as he tried to think of something intelligible to say to her.
"I… uh I didn't know you had a mission today." She tossed hair over her shoulder, glancing at Sirius, obviously annoyed.
"I do go on missions Remus yes." She had to take the edge from her voice, it bit through him every time she spoke. "You're home from your wanderings then?" She said it with more venom if that were even possible, but everyone in the room knew what she really meant: don't go back, you're safe here.
"Just for a few days." Remus responded, ignoring the break he saw in her eyes. Translation: I'm not staying, I'm never opened her mouth as if to argue like she normally would. Lupin prepared himself for the fight, so when she snapped her mouth closed and dropped her head he was in no way prepared for the second wave of nauseating loss that rolled over him. Nymphadora Tonks never gave up. Until that moment.
She simply shook her head and turned to walk out.
"Dora!" Sirius called, louder than necessary to get her attention. She stopped but didn't turn. "Come back here tonight, we have a meeting." He reminded her lamely. Both men watched as she took an angry breath. "Of course Sirius." She said.
"I'll clean out your bedroom so you don't need to sleep on the counter." He said, grasping at straws with her.
"I don't think that's necessary." She said. She would not be staying, not if she could help it.
"I'm going to do it anyway. You're always welcome here." He said. She nodded, and pushed through the door. There was a familiar crash that sent Remus just inches away from the door before Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him back, slipping out the door himself.
Remus would have sworn he heard Dora crying, but the door swung shut again, and he was sure Sirius charmed it so he couldn't hear anything.
He walked around the island, and opened the hidden chocolate drawer that Lily must have continued to fill for him, trusting he would return. He would forever be indebted to that woman. He ate small bits of chocolate as he waited for Sirius knowing that no matter how badly he wanted to he could not push through the door and embrace the woman on the other side. She deserved better than that, he never meant to see her here, he would have to start being more careful about when he came around. He hoped Greyback would give him more chances to come back. But if every time would be this painful maybe it would be better to stay away. Sirius pushed through the kitchen door angrily, not looking at Remus as he did so.
"Padfoot is she-"
"That's my baby cousin. You know that Moony?" Sirius was livid, Remus wasn't anticipating this. He knew better than to interrupt, letting his friend continue on the rant. "That's my baby cousin and you just break her heart and walk all over it. And the ridiculous part is that you love her so much it's breaking you too!" Sirius was shouting, looking like he was ready to reach across the table and kill Remus with his bare hands. "What if she dies out there Remus?!" Sirius shouted, throwing his hands up. Remus couldn't stop the swell of anger that filled his chest at the thought, he lost control.
"Don't say that!" The horror filled him at the thought of his Dora, dead. "Don't you ever say that Sirius! She cannot die!" Sirius wasn't done though, almost as if he hadn't even heard Remus speak he continued shouting.
"She- Nymphadora Tonks, my little cousin could die! Alone and broken because you're too big of a bloody prat to realize you belong with her! You love her Remus!" Suddenly more enraged than before Remus stood, and chair falling behind him.
"Of course I love her!" He shouted back at Sirius, no longer allowing self control to rationalize his words. "Who wouldn't love her?! She's brave, beautiful, strong, fiercely loyal! She cares so deeply for everyone around her! She cares about me! ME! She fights for what she believes in, she doesn't let the anything bring her down… she's amazing padfoot…" Somewhere along the way he had stopped yelling. "She's amazing and she deserves so much more than what I can give her." Sirius simply looked at his best friend, and tried not to let his jaw drop in the much deserved surprise when the kitchen door swung open and his cousin walked in.
Remus's eyes grew like saucers before he even turned around, as if he could simply feel the fact that she was in the room, which he kind of could.
"I forgot something." She mumbled weakly, walking over to the counter and slipping a stray sheet of paper into her bag. Remus didn't move, Sirius wasn't even sure he was breathing. Tonks looked up at him wordlessly before slipping out just as silently as she came in, never more thankful for not tripping than that moment.
Remus looked at Sirius. "This is not good."
For once Sirius agreed.
The shouting had woken James and Lily up, and they both came downstairs just seconds after Tonks left. Lily embraced Remus in a long overdue hug, and James looked at Sirius hard.
"I take it Tonks was here again?" He asked. Sirius nodded, gesturing to the still full mug of coffee she had left sitting on the counter.
"Remus, don't go back there." Lily begged, taking a card from Moll's book and forcing him to sit in a chair while she made him inordinate amounts of food.
"I very much have to this time. Greyback made that clear. If I want to leave I'm going to have to leave of my own accord, or get kicked out." He admitted. He had considered it multiple times. But he couldn't. Not yet.
"Then do it. Get kicked out. Please don't stay there." She pleaded with him, as she warmed up the soup over the fire. "Please. It's not the same without you." He heard what she really wanted to say: Tonks is not the same without you.
"She can't even morph." Sirius whispered, clearly worried about the woman. Remus felt the tension in his neck as he remember the look in her eyes when he finally saw her. She looked like someone had died. Maybe a part of her had died. He killed her.
"I have to do this." Remus argued lamely, believing the words less and less every time he said them. It wasn't true, and they were all coming to know that. He didn't have to. It was a choice. And it wa quickly becoming more difficult to make.
" There are ways. But not if you're unwilling." James said, setting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "We can get you out if you would let us."
He looked at the faces of determination on all his friends. He felt his walls breaking. Tears pricked his eyes.
"Let's talk to Dumbledore." Sirius said gently, getting a nod from Remus.
"Will she be okay?" Remus asked. Lily let out a sad sigh, and James nodded.
"She has to be."
That was not exactly what Remus wanted to hear.
"Molly will be here soon to prep food for tonight. Why don't you go upstairs and rest. You probably haven't gotten proper sleep since you left." Lily encouraged. She was right, he hadn't. He nodded, standing slowly, and pushing through the door.
He couldn't live like this.
The sound of people downstairs woke Remus up, and he quickly composed his exhaustion before making way to the steps to go down. He hit the top step when the door opened again. He waited in the shadows not feeling ready to greet anyone warmly just yet.
"You have to at least tell Mad-Eye." He heard Bill Weasley's voice fill the foyer, followed by a huff he knew all too well.
"Listen Bill, if it happens again I'll tell him. But it's my job to do this. I'm still shocked it wasn't a fake lead. Maybe the Minister is finally putting some truth to the claim the he's back." Tonks argued, draping her robes over the edge of the railing as she always did. Remus watched the shadows as Bill Weasley pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her own arms around his waist, Remus fought the urge to tear them apart. Of course she moved on. Why wouldn't she?
"I'm glad you're okay." He said to her quietly. She nodded into his shoulder.
"Me too." They pulled apart, she brushed off her robes. "Shall we get in there then? I don't want everyone to turn when we walk in." Bill grabbed her arm as she pushed forward.
"He'll be here tonight, Tonks." Bill said. Me. He's afraid for her to see me? Tonks nodded at him.
"I know. Which is why I'll be leaving immediately." Remus cringed at the anger in her tone. She really didn't want to be anywhere near him.
"You should just tell him Tonks." Bill said Tell him you're together now. He saw Tonks shake her head.
"It wouldn't matter anyway. He doesn't care anymore. He told me as much." She huffed, and Remus was suddenly very confused. If she was with Bill why did she care what he said to her.
"Yeah but I know if it were Fluer I was trying to protect I would want to know how she felt even if she figured I didn't want to hear it. Even if I told her I didn't want to hear it." Remus felt guilty for eavesdropping. This was a conversation he was definitely not intended to hear. But he couldn't stop now.
He watched Tonks grab Bill's hand silently and lead him into the kitchen. He waited a long beat before descending the stairs after them and hoping James could convince Dumbledore that he could no longer continue on the mission with the wolves.
He walked into the kitchen casually, dropping into the seat James had pushed out for him. He was thankful for the way his friend always seemed to know exactly what he needed. Mad-Eye started immediately upon his entering, and he knew the headmaster was giving him space from the onslaught of questions that was sure to follow his sudden return. It was in that moment that Remus realized the old headmaster would not be here as he was in hiding rfom the ministry. That meant it was up to Remus and Mad-Eye to decide when it was too dangerous for him to continue the mission. Mad-Eye would never relent to his wished, Remus believed, not when he thought there was still so much that could be done.
Six weeks, yet it had felt like a lifetime. He leaned back, not hearing the words Mad-Eye said about guard duty at the department. He realized they must have upped the numbers to three people on certain nights. They were exhausting themselves, but they had to. Voldemort couldn't get his hands on that prophecy.
Remus's attention was only peaked when he saw Tonks stand up to give a report.
"Things at Hogwarts aren't going great. Umbridge is destroying education. But the kids seem safe… enough. They are watching their backs. Though I'm really not sure what to make of this whole 'Dumbledore's Army' thing. We can't do anything about it now. They are learning defensive spells, and that's all that matters. They'll be back for easter soon enough. And if we have anything to ask them then, we can. I think they are safe though. I would caution to say it ay be putting them and us in more danger by having anyone there." Tonks gave her opinion to Mad-Eye before sitting back in her chair.
Moody gave her a nod of agreement, they locked eyes for a minute, and she nodded again.
She stood from her seat and pushed out the door without looking back.
"Miss Tonks had some work business to take care of." Mad-Eye explained, and then continued on with the meeting as planned. He skipped over asking Remus any questions, which the man was unspeakable thankful for. The meeting was adjourned, and with a speed none knew he possessed Alastor marches over to Remus and all but dragged him to the library.
"You're done." He said as he tossed Lupin into the couch where he once spent long afternoons reading with Dora in his arms. He tried to quell the memories as Moody's words sunk in.
"What?" He stuttered, looking at the man in shock and confusion.
"You do whatever you have to do to get out of that colony. I'm not going to watch you kill yourself for nothing; and kill that girl for less." Even Mad-Eye knew that Tonk's struggles had to do with him. Who didn't know?
"Everyone knows. You're done. I don't give a rats ass what Dumbledore has to say about it. You go and get out. If you think it's safe enough don't even go back." The question was there. Is it safe?
"He threatened me, if I didn't go back." Remus began, but he saw Moody's careless shrug. "But I don't know if he'd really make good on it. He's no idea where to find me. But I don't think it does anyone any good for me to go into hiding." Alastor nodded, his magical eye whizzing around as he did.
"Did he let you in on any pack secrets?" Moody asked. Remus realized where this was going, and shook his head with a ghost of a smile on his lips.
"No." If he didn't know any better he would say Mad-Eye smiled too.
"You're officially off the mission. You start guard duty after the full moon. I'll add you to the chart and get you the information you need." He walked out, his fake leg clomping the ground as he did.
Remus fell against the couch with a sigh. He felt a weight come off his shoulders. He knew this wasn't over. Dumbledore would want him back if things escalated. But for now he could breathe.
James pushed the door open with a smile.
"That was easy." He said, Remus could only nod. "People are leaving, we'll see them out then come get you when it's just the ones that matter." He said with a wink. Remus was again thankful beyond words for the way his friends cared for him.
When everyone was gone he sat at the table with his friends and the Weasley's, consuming more of Molly's soup in one sitting than he had in probably his whole life time. They spent the evening filling him in on the various activities he had missed in his time away. He tried to ignore the confused looks Bill gave him periodically, and worked to just be thankful that the pack was temporarily behind him.
Time went by much faster than nay had realized, and soon they were all stifling yawns, and bidding one another goodnight. Remus followed the Potters and Sirius up the steps, thankful for the easy routine they fell back into.
The next four days flew by and Remus nearly forgot he was supposed to have been going back to the pack already one day ago. The full moon was the next night, and he was beyond eager to spend it in the basement, even if it was wolfsbane free.
He sat with Lily at the table, James and Sirius working in the basement to clear everything out for him.
"Harry wrote again. Things are still hard for him… but do you think there's something going on with he and Ginny?" Remus cracked a smile. Of course there was, but James and Lily were still new to watching them interact. "Oh my!" Lily clapped excitedly at the look on his face. Her excitement died quickly when a large patronus bound into the room.
Set the wards! The announcement was a cry of terror coming from the animal, one that sent Sirius bounding up the stairs. There was a pop of apparition up stairs and without thinking Remus worked with James to set an anti apparition spell before the friends rushed up the fight the intruder, wands ready.
They ran with reckless abandon all the way up to the attic. The attic where Remus first realized he loved Dora, and where James loved her too, but differently. The attic where his deepest fear changed.
"Wait!" Lily called them all back, the terror in her voice freezing all three men to the floor. She pushed ahead of them, dropping to her knees next to the figure who had collapsed on the floor in a sobbing heap. It took Remus a beat too long to figure out who the own of the mousy brown hair was. And why her robes seemed stained with red paint.
"Oh my…" James didn't even finish. Lily was already crying. "Get my some dittany. Anything!" She was hysterical. "NOW!" that was enough to jolt Sirius awake. He rushed to the washroom to get what Lily needed. Remus couldn't move.
Lily rolled Tonks onto her back, taking in the torn clothing that hung from her body, and the four, very deep cuts that ran up her stomach. Tonks appeared to be passed out, her breathing shallow, her face pale. Sirius threw the vial to Lily who caught it quickly, and began to mutter healing spells.
"Call Mad-Eye." Lily ordered, and again Sirius was the only one who seemed coherent enough to comply. He sent a non corporeal patronus to the man, telling him to get here as quickly as possible.
Finally James came to it. "What's happened?" He asked, his voice dead as he took in the sight before him. Before Lily had a chance to answer Mad-Eye appeared in front of them. His eyes took in the sights before he rushed to the girl on the ground.
"What spells have you done?" He asked Lily urgently. She answered as best she could, fighting through tears; Alastor nodded, leaning over the brown haired woman and continuing to do spell work. He didn't say anything to anyone, but worked tirelessly for what felt like hours but could have only been minutes. Tonks' head rolled to the side, and her breathing evened out. If it wasn't for the gentle rise of her chest Remus would have believed she was dead. Mad-Eye leaned back against the wall, hanging his head.
"What happened to her?" He asked. Nobody had an answer. Mad Eye hit the floor. "How the hell did she get here like this?" He shouted. Lily ran a hdn over her face and took a steadying breath.
"She patronused, telling us to set the wards. Almost at the same time she apparated up here. By time we got up here she was like she was when you came in. I wasn't able to ask her. She passed out." Mad-Eye nodded, he waved his hand in her direction, gesturing to her stomach
"They look like scratch marks. But they are wand slices. Someone was trying to kill her I believe, and she must have put up a damn good fight. You move quick Lily, good job. Anyone else and she probably would have died." Remus's breath caught with Moody's words. "We'll get to her flat when she wakes up. Check the damage. She's got a room here?" He asked. Sirius nodded, and moved to pick her up.
"Someone stay in there with her incase she wakes up." Moody said. "I have to get back. I want to be the first to know when her eyes are open." Lily nodded as he left.
"I'll stay with her." Lily said as the group walked with Sirius into Nymphadora's room. He set her on the bed and nodded.
"We'll be downstairs, call us when she wakes please." James said, he and Sirius made to the door. Remus hesitated, looking at the woman on the bed who would appear to be sleeping peacefully if not for the drying blood all over her body, and the tears of her clothing. He could not figure out for the life of him what happened. With a sigh, he turned to the door and followed the men out. They walked down and into the basement, setting wards on the walls so nothing would be too greatly damaged during the transformation. They worked slowly, and had to do the spells over multiple times, because their minds were upstairs in that bedroom with the women. Nobody said anything; it was hard to figure out what to say, especially when there was no way of knowing if she would really be okay. Remus wondered for the hundredth time if they should have taken her to Saint Mungo's, where she could have gotten certain healing, but Mad-Eye must have known something they didn't, because if he thought that was best he would have done it… right?
Lily's stag patronus rushed around the room, and without words summoned the men upstairs. The importance of setting the wards forgotten they rushed up the flights of stairs and into the room, where Tonks was leaning against Lily, whose eyes were filled with tears. Tonks' face was blank, an expression Remus knew they'd all gotten used to, but one that still caught him off guard.
"Tonksie?" Sirius asked, taking in the sight before him. Her eyes trailed up to him, almost as if she didn't even see him when he first walked in. A smile ghosted her lips, but it wasn't real, and it wasn't strong.
Moody apparated in. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the girl.
"Again, Nymphadora?" He asked her walking over. James was very confused, but knew better than to ask for clarification when Mad-Eye was like this. "It was worse this time." Moody added. If Jeames didn't know any better he would say Alastor almost seemed worried. He wondered if Mungo's was going to be in Tonks's future, he hoped not.
Alastor dropped into the chair that was next to the bed, and looked at the woman.
"What happened?" His voice was far gentler than anyone had ever heard from him before, and Remus felt himself drawn to it. Nymphadora didn't even look his way. Her eyes were cloudy, almost like she needed sleep. Mad-Eye patted her arm to get her attention. He asked again. Tonks nodded, her head trailing up to his slowly, she blinked to clear her head then looked more firmly at Moody.
"Greyback found out how to get into my wards. Said that one of his pack members spoke in their sleep. But that doesn't… I don't know how he knew." Remus felt all the warmth drain from his body, feeling his legs give out. Sirius was there and helped him slide to the floor. Tonks didn't notice. "He came in unannounced, and I was ready. I was! But I wasn't ready enough. They're wards! Only four people even know how to get through them. I set them myself Mad-Eye. You know they're not easy. But he did it. And he was standing in my kitchen when I rounded the corner. I hesitated just a second in confusion. All I saw was the back of his head, and I didn't understand what was happening. But he was ready. I'm not even sure what spell he used. But then he said…" she took a shuddering breath, and looked down. Lily seemed to know what was coming next, as she leant down and whispered something to Tonks who shook her head.
Mad-Eye watched, ever patient. Remus needed to know how this story finished so he could go kill the wolf.
"I can tell it." Tonks whispered to Lily, then looked back at Alastor. "He kept saying Remus was a traitor to two sides, and that if Dumbledore was already punishing him, the pack had to find a new way to ensure justice was paid. He asked me where Remus was, and I really didn't know. So then… well you know what happened." She looked at Moody sheepishly. I don't know! Say it! Remus screamed in his head.
Moody locked his eyes with Remus, even his magical eye grabbing the man's stare as if he could feel the panic welling inside Lupin's brain.
"He crucioed you." Moody said, looking at Remus. Dora nodded. Lily wiped a tear again, Ramus slumped further in on himself if that was even possible. "A long time." Moody said. It was almost a question, but he clearly knew the answer.
"Nothing I couldn't handle." She said with a shrug. But Remus heard the fear in her voice. It was a close call.
"You shouldn't have tried to apparate. You should have splinched." Moody chastised her.
She huffed, Remus imagined her eyes rolling.
"I've never splinched before. Can't say I've been in worse situations, but I made it. Had I stayed he would have killed me." She said it casually as if it wasn't her death they were discussing but the weather.
"You gave him information? He must have stopped the unforgivable if you're here." Moody questioned again. Tonks nodded.
"Yep. I realized what he thought was happening. Then I realized Remus must be-" she cut off with a gasp, looking at Lily. Without saying anything she slowly turned until she was looking at Remus who was set on the ground, supported by Sirius. His face was a mask of pain and terror that cut through both Lily and Tonks.
"Oh." The young witch said. She rubbed her hands over her face before turning back to Moody.
"I… I realized he must have left the pack, without warning. And then remembered that his way in was agreeing to be a double agent. So he was feeding greyback false info, while making him believe it was real. So once I figured out all that, I was able to run with the story. He showed up to the meeting, and Dumbledore being such a powerful legilimens was able to figure out Remus was two timing us. So he was getting his due back at headquarters - which I didn't mention a location of, or the secret keeper. But anyone could figure out based on what I didn't say. He seemed satisfied. So he cut me three more times, played around with unforgivables a bit. But he got cocky, his spells got weak, so I got the upper hand. Meaning i got my mind enough to cast one spell and get out." Moody looked at her, pride in his eyes.
"You had a wizard, slicing into your skin with magic, twisting your brain with a curse. And you are able to stay coherent enough to fabricate a story, cast a patronus, and apparate without splinching." Tonks nodded. "Well done Nymphadora!" He praised her, clapping his hands on her shoulders.
"Amazing." James whispered from Remus's other side, the latter who was still trying not pace his breathing, as he had begun to feel like he was going to pass out.
"Can you stand?" Moody asked her, his voice a gentle tone that would only ever come out with the young witch sitting there.
Her brown hair bounced as she nodded her head slowly, almost uncertainly. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and set them on the ground. Rising to her feet shakily she looked at Mad-Eye.
Remus heard her breath catch from across the room. Thankfully Alastor was ready, and he stood up, pulling the woman into his arms as she fell into tears again. He held her tightly, as she cried into his shoulder clinging to him. Lily slipped off the bed and rushed over to James who held her tightly. Remus blinked away tears.
Tonks composed herself quickly, and looked up at Moody. "Alright. I'm okay now." She said. He nodded, clearly not believing her, but not arguing.
"You'll be staying here for a while. I'll go to your flat and check everything out. Write your parents. Tell them you're staying out of town for work and not to owl your flat. They can send anything to me and I'll be sure to get to it you." Moody went on authority mode. Tonks just nodded to him.
"Do you still have clothes here?" James asked her. She looked up, thinking for a moment before nodding slowly.
"Yes, I'll be fine with what I have." Moody nodded, and Sirius stood up walking over to her.
"I'll go now, and be back tonight after dinner with essentials. Owl Molly to while you're at it. She should know you'll be here." Tonks nodded again. Moody patted her shoulder once before walking out the door and apparating out.
Silence filled the room. Remus was still frozen to his place on the floor. He watched Tonks drop her head so it rested on Padfoot's shoulder. He wrapped arm arm around her and pulled her into him. Nobody spoke for a very long time.
Tonks shifted. "Could I shower off in the washroom? I just feel…" She didn't finish. Remus tensed, thankful when James was brave enough to ask what they were all thinking.
"Did he hurt you... " He trailed off fighting to find the words. "Beyond the cuts? Did he… come on to you?" Tonks spun around her eyebrows up in surprise, shaking her head quickly before wincing at the wicked headache the motion caused.
"No no!" Then the smallest of smirks twisted her mouth. "He tried I think." Remus failed to see why that was funny. "So I jabbed him with a fork." She chuckled weakly at the memory. "You would have thought I stabbed him in the heart."
Sirius leaned forward in interest. "Well where'd you stab him?" He asked. Her back was to Remus, but he still saw her shoulders shake once with another chuckle.
"Right by his eye I think. Mine were closed, so I couldn't see. But I think there." James shook his head.
"Only you Tonks." He ran his free hand through his hair, standing and pulling Lily up with his other hand. "Go rinse off. Lily and I will polyjuice and go get some food for us all for dinner. Sound good?" Tonks stood up, grabbing Sirius for support as she swayed. James watched her cautiously but didn't say anything.
Then very quickly before Tonks could turn around James grabbed Remus by the shoulder and drug him to his feet.
"Pull it together. Don't scare her more." He whispered tightly into Remus's ear. Tonks turned, rubbing her tired hands over her face, stifling a yawn. Her face faltered when her eyes landed on Remus. She walked up to him slowly.
"I can stay at the Weasley's if you don't want me to stay here." She said slowly, trying to figure out why he looked like he had seen a ghost.
"Nymph-" He caught himself remember the way she snapped at him last time he said her name. "Tonks," He began again keeping his voice gentle. "Of course I want you to stay here. But…" He took a deep breath. "The full moon is tomorrow night. You were just attacked by a werewolf… I…" His chest hurt, it ached to realize how much she would hate him now. "I don't want to scare you." He watched her unmorphed eyes change with her emotions. The dark rings from not sleeping making them seem even larger than they normally were.
He saw confusion, sorrow, frustration, more sorrow, anger, fear, then back to confusion.
"I'm not afraid of you, Remus." She said slowly, as if he was the one who needed the comfort. She made sure to hold his eyes in hers when she said "You're not greyback, and you never will be." She waited a beat, taking his silence as a resolve not to fight, and she walked out to shower.
"Moony, remember that time you said you would never deserve someone like her?" Sirius asked, walking over to his best friend. Remus simply nodded, unable to form words.
"You were right." James began. "But you better pull it together and fight for her, because that's all you'd have to do to deserve her. Remind her what she means to you." James and Lily walked out slowly, leaving him with his thoughts, and Sirius who didn't seem to know how to feel.