A/N
Song: What About Now by Daughtry. Dialogue straight from Book 1 is highlighted in bold. For some extra fun: Grab your dog-eared copy of the original Fifty Shades and follow along the graduation scene so you can see the changes I made. Thanks to E.L. James and Amy Grant for the inspiration. You will find the lyrics to Amy's song Children Of The World sprinkled throughout the chapter..
Chapter 9: What About Now?
Four days later
The auditorium filled quickly, and the voice of excited voices got louder and louder.
"Good luck, Annie. You seem awfully nervous."
Holy crap! Why has Ray picked today to be observant?
"Yeah, my baby girl has gotten a degree. I'm proud of you, Annie."
"Aw...thanks, Dad." I love this man.
Ray gave her a bear hug before joining the other parents and spectators.
Ana made her way to the tiered area reserved for the new graduates. The gym was so crowded she felt uncomfortable in her black gown. Suddenly, she felt too hot for comfort. Speaking of hotness, her eyes naturally searched for HIM, scanning the sea of faces.
He must be here somewhere.
Her inner goddess raised her hand.
Who?
I was referring to Christian...who else?
Thankfully, Jose wasn't here today. He wasn't due to graduate for another year, and besides, today he'd been called away for a job interview. Since their breakup, the man had become her shadow, a pain in the neck, constantly nagging her to reconsider her decision.
The chancellor appeared on stage followed by three vice-chancellors and senior professors, all decked out in their black and red regalia. Last on stage was Christian, clad in a classic grey suit. He looked somber and self-contained, standing beside the chancellor.
"Look at him!" One of the girls sitting beside Ana elbowed her companion.
"He's hot!" the other girl said.
Ana stiffened.
"Christian Gray!"
"Is he single?"
"He's gay," Ana quickly replied.
"Really? What a shame."
"Oh, yeah...I read that in the Enquirer, exclusive interview with Leila Williams, his ex-fiancee."
He looked so handsome, so confident. His eyes scanned the audience a few times and almost connected with hers.
Ana felt a warm flush spreading between her legs. The memory of him inside of her made her bundle of nerves vibrate and clench.
Why won't he look at me?
A wave of unease washed over her, recalling his texts asking whether she'd already made THE appointment.
This could only mean one thing, he'd changed his mind about her. He wanted nothing to do with her unless...
Unless she met with Dr. Green for emergency contraception.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. Was it?
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late
Baby, before it's too late
What about now?
Next thing, the chancellor was giving Kate the floor. It was time for her valedictorian speech.
And to think that Kate could have been the one who had interviewed him that day. Kate with the (potential) unwanted seed growing inside her.
No. No way.
For one Kate wouldn't have given Christian Grey the time of day.
What had she called him the other day after he learned he'd been stalking her, following her every move?
Creepy?
A big round of applause for Kate. The chancellor introduces Christian as a great benefactor of the university.
Ana's heart skipped a beat as Christian surveyed the audience behind the lectern.
Throughout Christian's passionate speech about combating world hunger, Ana thought about the children of the world, about every single boy and girl. And how if there was a God up in heaven, how he must delight in each one...for each one has a destiny. Yellow, black, or white, they're all precious in their father's eyes; all they need is the light of love to lead.
"I have known what it's like to be profoundly hungry...this is a very personal journey for me."
Say what?
Ana couldn't imagine Christian suffering at the hands of his family. This must have happened before his adoption. Her heart sank at the thought of a hungry gray-eyed little boy.
Finally, it was time for her and the other three hundred and ninety-nine students to begin the process of collecting degrees.
Christian shook her hand with a warm, guarded expression. "Congratulations, Ms. Steele. Do you have a problem with your phone?"
Ana frowned as he handed her her diploma, ignoring the charge of electricity cursing through her.
"Problem? No."
"Then you're ignoring them," he pointed out sternly.
Ana started moving away as she was holding up the line.
"Hey, we cannot wait much longer. It has to happen before it's too late."
Before it's too late.
The ceremony took another long hour to conclude. It was interminable.
After the ceremony, both Ray and Carla approached her. She was surprised to see them together. Carla must have come in late, probably toward the end of the ceremony. So typical.
"You look radiant," Carla said, giving her a half-hug and kissing her cheek.
"Thanks, mom."
"What's this thing about you getting engaged? And then not?" Carla regarded her curiously.
Ah, so that's why she came. She wants all the juicy details.
"I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to catch up," Ana said non-committally. "Hey, look, there's Kate!"
At her first opportunity, Ana steered away from the group and headed for the nearest restroom.
Just as she turned the corner, she suddenly bumped into someone's hard masculine chest. Before her next breath, he was pulling her elbow and steering her into what looked like a men's locker room.
Oh, my, what does he have in mind? She wondered as he locked the door.
"You have any idea what you're doing to me...ignoring me like that?"
His possessiveness made her insides vibrate like a violin. God, she needed to move to safer territory. Otherwise, she would be giving herself to him with wild abandon...again!
"Explain your food issues to me."
"Anastasia," he murmured, running a hand through his hair. "I just can't right now...I'm worried sick about you. I can't eat, I can't sleep..."
"Welcome to my world."
"Thank you, that's exactly what I want. Your world, my world."
"You know I didn't mean it that way, right?"
"I want to be everywhere you go; I want to breathe the air you breathe."
Her inner goddess was impressed. This adonis of a man had more power contained than a ticking bomb.
"I have to go. My mom and dad are waiting to take pictures."
"Wait," he whispered, sweeping her into his arms. "You know it's going to be good, don't you, baby?"
Her breath hitched, and her insides melted. Apparently, her inner goddess had already forgotten that she was supposed to still be upset at him for how things had ended last time.
Right then, they heard Kate's voice roaming the hallway.
"Ana? Ana, where are you?"
"I gotta go."
He cursed under his breath before releasing her.
"Please call Dr. Greene before it's too late."
...
The waiting room was expansive. It served three different doctors on the same floor. There was a large fish tank in the middle of the room. It was a nice addition, for sure.
While she waited, Ana watched various children approach the fish tank and point.
One little girl in particular caught her attention. Ana guessed she was not quite yet three. She was quiet and well-behaved, but the best thing about her was her smile.
"Watch out!" Ana cautioned the child as she nearly tripped walking to the fish tank. She was carrying several toys with her.
"I'm okay, I'm okay!" she announced in a cute little voice. She smiled shyly at Ana before turning to see if her mother was watching. She was not.
How adorable!
Ana's smile widened.
The cute little girl was blonde with bright blue eyes. Time and time again, Ana caught the child staring at her as she made several trips back and forth between her mother's sitting area and the fish tank.
The child's mother sat with her back against the wall, her nose buried in a magazine.
"What's your name?" Ana asked the toddler.
"Her name is Sienna," her mother answered, looking up from her magazine.
"What a beautiful name," Ana replied.
Sienna beamed with pride, puffing out her little chest. That was just beyond adorable.
"We have a Toyota Sienna van," the mother chuckled. "Hubby and I don't have the greatest imagination, I know. But hey, at least we didn't name her Apple or Blue."
"Sienna is a gorgeous color."
"I'm Vivian, by the way."
"Ana."
Right then, the receptionist called Vivian to fill out some forms.
"I can watch Sienna for you while you do that."
"Really? How nice."
"I'm a teacher...well, I just graduated."
"Ah," Vivian smiled. "That explains it. Well, knock yourself out."
Much to Ana's delight, Sienna came to her, clutching her favorite doll to her chest. The doll was a Raggedy Ann/ cabbage patch with bright red hair.
"Hey...what's your baby's name?"
Sienna shrugged her shoulders and puckered her lips in response.
"Maybe I can help you give her a name. What do you think? How about if we call her Adriana? Yes?"
"Cat," Sienna mumbled.
"You wanna name her Cat? That's a fine name too. It reminds me of my favorite book in the whole wide world...it's called The Cat in The Hat."
Sienna decided to reward her with a full- dimpled- smile.
"It was written by the MOST talented author, the Great Dr. Seuss, the master of rhymes...I wish we had a copy for us to read," Ana said, scanning the magazine area for children's titles. There was nothing there except for a few coloring books.
Sienna settled herself on Ana's lap. "Big grl pa-tty," she said, pulling the doll's undies down and setting it on the empty seat beside them.
"Oh...yes, big girls go potty!" Ana chuckled.
"Big grl! Big grl!"
"You're a big girl too, Sienna."
Sienna beamed.
The two of them continued playing until Vivian returned.
"They haven't called you yet?"
"I got here half an hour early," Ana replied.
"I wish I had that kind of time. Once you have kids, you're everywhere late," she paused, studying Ana's face. "You look too young to have kids. Are you pregnant?"
"I'm actually twenty-one," she answered defensively. She was tired of being mistaken for a high schooler.
"So you're just here for a routine checkup?"
Ana shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Her gaze drifted to the fish tank. By now, Sienna had joined two other children in play. The three of them were giggling and pointing at the fish. The older of the three tried to impress the other two by recounting facts about ocean creatures he'd learned through the Discovery channel.
"Are you here for a pregnancy test?"
"Not exactly," Ana signed. "We...ah, didn't use a condom, and he wants me to get plan B."
The other woman shook her head. "Men. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Well...are you pregnant?"
Ana shrugged one shoulder. "It's only been five days. Isn't it too early to know?"
"Oh, trust me. You would know," Vivian smiled knowingly. "Believe me, when you're pregnant, there's a part of you that just knows the minute it happens."
Ana opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Her inner goddess bailed out on her just when she needed her the most.
"It's my turn," Viviansaid, gathering her child's toys. "Sienna come and say bye to the nice lady."
"Bye-bye," Sienna waved, curling and uncurling her fingers.
"Bye, sweetie, I'll miss you."
Vivian let out a chuckle. "Really? You're welcome to babysit anytime. As a matter of fact, I insist! Here, take my number!" She said, pulling a business card from her diaper bag and handing it to Ana.
"Ms. Steele?"
"Yes?"
"I apologize, but Dr. Fraiser is running behind schedule."
"Oh," Ana mumbled. Great!
Right down, her phone vibrated in her pocket. Having nothing better to do, she decided to answer it.
Holy cow, it was Christian again.
Well, she might as well ask the question that had been burning her soul.
What's going on with you? Why don't you like children?' She typed.
I would not make a good father, Ana. Too much baggage.
Sounds like Freud talking. I never liked him. He's too negative.
Are you seeing Dr. Greene?
No...my own doctor.
You don't want children...ever?
Correct.
Did Leila agree to this?
We're no longer together, you know.
Answer the question, Mr. Grey.
Yes, we had an agreement.
Do ALL your women always end up agreeing to whatever you say?
Only when it comes to what really matters.
...
Dr. Fraiser welcomed her with a handshake and a warm smile. Her office was beach-themed, the artwork on the walls depicting various beach landscapes. Every picture was a variation of the same scene by the same artist.
After the examination, she ushered Ana back into her office, settling behind her expansive desk.
"It is too early for a pregnancy test," she said, launching into an explanation of emergency contraception. "The pill works best within three days of having unprotected sex. But don't worry, I'm confident that in your case, we can still prevent a pregnancy," she concluded, handing Ana the medication.
Ana took the container and examined it. But instead of tucking it away in her purse, she set it down on the edge of the large mahogany desk.
"How does it work exactly?"
"It prevents ovulation."
"Is it possible that ovulation already happened?" Ana asked. "According to one of my apps, it already did."
"In that case, we can cross that bridge when we get there. If you've already conceived, this pill won't stop the pregnancy, but there are a couple of other ones that will. They must be taken together within 48 hours for them to work."
Ana nodded, the lump in her throat thickening. What if she left it to chance? She wondered.
"Are you okay? The kind doctor asked. "You seem like you're about to cry."
"I'm normally NOT this emotional. I never thought I would feel this way. But I'm not ready to be a mom. I just graduated, and..." she paused. "I'm taking so much of your time...and your next patient?"
Dr. Fraiser smiled kindly. "Take your time, Anastasia. My patients are used to being patient."
"It's just that I have my life all planned out you know."
"Life happens when we're busy making other plans."
EXACTLY!
"I do want children one day. Just not today. I can't possibly be anybody's mom," she sniffed.
Dr. Fraiser handed her a tissue and Ana wrapped it around her fingers.
"I need to prepare, I swore to myself I would be different than my mom."
"Unfortunately, parenting comes with no manual or even a 24-hour 800 number."
"My mom was more interested in having a man in her bed than being a mom," she said, stretching out the Kleenex and threading it through her fingers.
"I'm sorry. Sounds like there's a lot you need to get off your chest."
"My dad was more nurturing to me than she ever was. He read to me; he spent time with me. That's why I always thought it was important for my kids to grow up with their father. In case I mess up, you know. They would have at least one good parent."
"I understand."
"I think you should be a therapist."
The kind woman smiled. "Thanks, but I think I'm happy where I am. Besides, I'm fifty-five and still struggling to pay my student loans."
"My parents divorced. I absolutely hated bouncing from one house to another every other weekend. So I need to be in a committed long-term relationship before kids come into the picture."
Doctor Fraiser nodded.
"And I'm not in a serious relationship right now. And he...Well, he says he doesn't want any children...ever."
"I hear that a lot in my practice. Accidents happen all the time. In fact, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans."
Ana smiled at that. "He wanted me to come here. Well, actually to an OBGYN of his choice. That's the first thing he said after we...you know..."
"Do you think you and him might have a future together?"
"No. I need to forget him. We come from different worlds, and he doesn't want a family. I hate him!"
"You hate him?"
"He's very arrogant. And I hate how powerless I feel...And he has disturbing stalking tendencies."
And yet, you dream of him night and day, her inner goddess whispered.
"The worst part is that we have no future together, but he won't let go. The only way it could ever work is if I agreed to be childless for the rest of my life."
"You want my opinion?"
"Yes...please."
"You'd have a better chance at moving on if you didn't have such strong feelings for him."
"Huh?"
"You say you hate him and you're very passionate about it. Love and hate are two different sides of the same coin."
Ana pursed her lips in defeat. She certainly couldn't argue against that. Every word this doctor spoke was gold.
However, they say one should never lose hope. Perhaps, in time, she could forget Christian Grey and start over with someone new.
"Maybe I should take this now before it's too late," she sighed heavily. "And it's just that I don't think I could take the other two pills you mentioned. I don't think I could."
Every life, every beating heart
Has a searching soul inside
Ever needing, ever seeking out
The meaning of life.
"It's not like me to be this emotional..." She sobbed, dropping her gaze to her fingers, which had done a fine job shredding Kleenex to smithereens.
"I understand, it's normal to feel conflicted. You're not alone feeling the way you do."
Ana smiled, her eyes brimming with unshead tears. It was nice to feel validated.
Once again, she reached for the cylinder container, carefully examining the label.
"You don't have to take it now...you can do it at home."
"No. I will probably put it off if I wait. May I have a glass of water, please?"
"Sure."
While she waited for Dr. Fraiser to return, Ana thought about Vivian back in the waiting room.
"Believe me when you're pregnant, there's a part of you that just knows the minute it happens."
Her inner goddess raised her hand somewhat timidly.
You know it's true, she whispered.
Ana stilled and really, really listened.
It happened.
It did.
Ana exhaled deeply. Definitely not what she wanted to hear.
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading
From all the things that we are
Are not saying
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late
What about now?
"Here you go, Ana," Dr. Fraiser said, handing her a cold water bottle directly from her mini-fridge.
"Thank you," Ana said, fastening a large piece of duck tape tightly around her heart.
Moments later, her shaky hands undid the lid and dropped the tiny pill into her outstretched hand.
Her inner goddess shed a tear in mourning for the life that could have been.
A wave of sadness threatened to overcome her, as she pictured herself and a little girl sitting on her lap. An angel who looked like a carbon copy of Sienna, except with curly copper hair and deep gray eyes.
Sienna's eyes widened in delight when Ana got to read their favorite part.
And then he fell down on his head. This mess is so big, so deep, and so tall. We cannot pick it up... there's no way at all.