Don't
A/N: This is post 5x8. I hope you enjoy!
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Kate really thought she'd been used to the fear by now. Thought it would be woven into her DNA - just another part of her that she dealt with on a daily basis - like one would a chronic illness. But each time Castle's life was threatened, the fear almost paralyzed her. It gripped her by the neck and squeezed, and it took every ounce of her energy to fight against it, to do whatever it took to bring down whatever force threatened him.
This time had been no different, but oddly, she'd been the one in restraints. He'd been the one who'd been free.
Her heart leapt out of her chest, straining toward him like a retriever struggling against its leash to greet its master. She ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck, and was unashamed to breathe his scent deep into her lungs. He whispered reassurances into her ear, and she couldn't stop the wide smile that broke across her face at the feel of his body, safe and whole, against hers.
When they finally were able to slide into the back of the cab, Kate was almost buzzing with adrenaline. She'd been awake all night, but other than the slight pressure behind her eyes, she barely noticed.
Castle told the cabbie to take them to the 12th precinct, and Kate nodded to herself in the dark. There were a few loose ends to tie up before they could go home and get some sleep. She wondered, after the night they'd had, if Captain Gates would still rely on her to be on-call tomorrow (or today, rather, since it was pushing five a.m.). She certainly hoped not. All she wanted was a hot bath and to sleep in Castle's bed all day.
"That was a close one," Castle sighed wearily and flopped back into his seat. He wiggled a little, trying to get comfortable against the stiff leather.
Kate bit her lip. "Too close." She thought about their smashed phones, her missing badge and gun. They'd been completely defenseless, and she knew Leo very well could have killed her. Could have killed them both.
Sensing her lingering tension, Castle took her hand in his. He smoothed his other hand over top of her thigh. "We're okay," he murmured, and leaned over to nuzzle his nose against her cheek. It caused a bottle rocket to go off in her chest, and she had to suck down a shaky breath to keep herself from either hurling herself at him (which she knew the cabbie would not appreciate) or burst into tears (which he probably wouldn't appreciate either).
The lack of sleep must be making her emotional.
"I know. But it was so close…" she whispered back, and pressed her free hand against his cheek. It was warm under her touch, just a hint of stubble growing in.
Castle, finally understanding the gravity of Kate's mood, pressed his mouth against the side of her head. He left a trail of tiny kisses from her temple to her jaw and finally to her lips. She closed her eyes and held her breath, savoring the affection and sincerity of his touch.
When she finally opened her eyes, she saw the city lights reflected in his as they hovered inches away from her own. He looked resolute.
The love he felt for her burned so brightly in his gaze, it might just eclipse the city itself.
Kate's heart shuddered in panic.
"Kate, I –" he started to say, but Kate leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips.
"Don't," she murmured, lips hovering so closely to his own. She inhaled through her nose. "Don't say it. I know."
He'd said he loved her months ago. And she'd shown him, in so many ways, that she felt the same way. But, knowing she wasn't quite ready, he'd refrained from saying it again. Not even in the burning embers left in the wake of their lovemaking, or in the silence of their shared peace in the darkness of the night - he'd been careful to show her his love, not say it.
But now? She could tell the words were right there on the tip of his tongue.
It was one thing to hear him declare it before they were even together. He even reminded her once, shortly after they'd gotten together officially. But saying it now, when they were approaching six months together… she still didn't think she was ready to say it back, despite the big step they'd taken in introducing their parents. And if he said it, and she didn't? It might destroy him. She wasn't prepared for the fallout of that hurt.
He narrowed his eyes in confusion. Kate tried to smile. She wanted nothing more than to reassure him.
"Some things don't need to be said for them to be real," she whispered, and threaded her fingers lightly through his windblown hair.
She almost said 'please.' She almost begged him to understand. But she didn't need to.
Castle put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. She settled against him, once more breathing him in, committing this moment to memory. He seemed to understand, and that was more than she could ask for.
She thought about how much she loved him all the way back to the precinct. And she knew, without a doubt, that one day she'd be brave enough to tell him.