Right and Wrong
A/N: This is set after 8x02, when the stupid writers made stupid Beckett leave adorable Castle. Reason one out of a thousand why I hated season 8. :) So, as usual, I aim to fix. I hope you enjoy!
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Kate's hands were shaking so badly, her heart hammering so hard against her ribs, she felt like she had no control over her body. As if her feet were moving on their own, her mouth forming words she didn't believe. The disappointment and pain in Castle's face was like a tidal wave crashing against her defenses, drowning her in her own guilt and shame.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
She'd agreed to be his partner, through life and through hardship. She'd promised him mere hours ago at his office that there'd be no more secrets; she'd do this with him, not without.
Her breathing was short, pained. Her lungs were tightening, her throat closing up with the onslaught of panic. Hot tears filled her eyes, and she struggled to regain control.
She had to do this. Surely she'd made the right call.
Right?
She stood in the hallway, her feet rebelling against her, refusing to move. Half of her was a toddler throwing a tantrum, and the other half was cold and unfeeling, willing to do anything to tamp down on her feelings. To keep her moving forward, toward the judgment call she'd made.
But she didn't want to abandon him. She didn't want to do this.
She couldn't move. She was a bear caught in a trap. Fear was burning inside her veins, making her doubt.
Then she heard movement behind her. Castle had moved to close the door, and now she could feel him lingering in the entryway like her own personal phantom, staring daggers into her back.
His pain was her pain. Her doubt was his doubt.
"Kate," he murmured, and she hung her head with the weight of her shame.
And then he was around her, his warmth delicate and tentative at her back. He touched her shoulder, and she tried to shrug him off but it wasn't enough. His hand clamped down even harder, and her knees weakened.
She sank down, right in the middle of the hallway, and like a mirror being hit with a hammer, Kate shattered.
She pressed her palms to her eyes and curled into herself, moaning, "I don't know what to do to keep you safe."
It was the truest thing she could say in the moment, and he must have sensed that because he sank down to his knees and crouched beside her, hands strong on her upper arms. "This isn't the way, Kate."
She tore her hands away from her face and stared blearily down into the carpet. "They are after me," she urged, emphasizing every word. Then she risked turning to look at him. She needed him to understand. "They will kill you too."
He scowled. "And you think leaving me keeps me safe?"
"Yes!" she all but shrieked. "It takes you out of the equation. I can't drag you down the rabbit hole with me, Castle!"
"So then don't go down there!" he shouted back. Then, he looked around, realizing where they were - out in the open, unprotected. "Just… come inside. We can talk about this."
"I can't." Because if she did, she'd never have the strength to walk back out the door.
"You will. You owe me an explanation, Beckett." With a strength she hadn't seen in ages, he gripped her arm and pulled her to her feet. He was rough, uncharacteristically so. It startled her, but she was too dazed to fight him off. With one hand on her and the other holding her bag, he dragged her back inside the apartment.
He slammed the door shut and tossed her bag to the ground. Then he leveled her with a vicious stare. "Talk."
"I –"
"And no bullshit, Kate. Cut the savior crap. Your life isn't more valuable than mine, so I don't wanna hear it."
Kate clenched her jaw and wiped furiously at her face. Never in a million years would she have thought they would get here. That her actions could leave their marriage dangerously close to the precipice of imploding. But here they were. And it didn't matter that she had good reason, or was trying to take down something bigger than them, the only thing that existed right here, right now, was their hearts - lying bleeding and suffocating on the floor between them, ready for her to stomp.
But the kitchen smelled like burnt chocolate and eggs, and her wound ached, and the fight she'd been hyping up in the bathroom mirror twenty minutes ago was lost in a sea of other emotions jockeying for control. Her strength withered. She just… didn't have it in her anymore.
So she came clean.
"I know what I said. I know I said I'd do this with you, but Castle… you mean everything to me. And you mean everything to Alexis, to Martha. You are our world. And I would never, ever be able to forgive myself if something I chose to do got you killed."
"I'm pretty sure I said cut the savior crap, Kate," Castle growled, and Kate could see he was gripping the back of the dining room chair with white knuckles.
"I know. But you also wanted me to explain. So what's it gonna be?"
Castle shook his head, glaring angrily down at the table, but said nothing.
Kate hugged her arms to her body, as if that would be enough to hold herself together. "I met someone," she started to say, and Castle's eyes lit up like a wildfire as they snapped up to match hers. "Not like that! But… this person, she saved my life. Vikram's too."
"And she convinced you to do this?"
Kate shook her head, mouth desperately searching for the words to explain this as efficiently as possible. "Kind of? She just… she put all this into perspective. She… she doesn't get to see her husband as often as she'd like, to keep each other safe. This is dangerous. No one wants to see the love of their life hurt."
Castle's eyes flickered. "And what do you think you've done tonight? Hell, what do you think you've done the last few days, Kate?"
"I know. I know I've hurt you, but at least you're alive. Vikram said if I tried to call you, the kill team would have gone after you."
Castle laughed, mirthlessly. "Oh, so there it is again. Someone tells you to do something and you just do it. You just take their word for it."
"It's your life, Castle! I'm not about to take any risks!"
He shoved angrily at the chair he'd been squeezing. "This isn't our first rodeo, Kate! We've been in dangerous spots before! And when we work together, when we have each other's backs, we get through it! Don't you see?"
"It's not that simple! These guys are professionals, Castle! Not just killers off the street!"
"It doesn't matter who they are! You let Vikram convince you to isolate yourself from me, and I found you anyway. I helped. Then, we agreed to no more secrets and now some mystery woman tells you to go at it alone, and you just listen to her?"
Kate scoffed, and ran her hands through her hair. "I listened to them because they were right!"
He stepped toward her, a sharp finger pointed her way. "You're so afraid of losing me, but you're willing to push me away? How does that make any sense? How do you listen to those people so easily, and yet you won't even listen to your own husband?"
"Because, Castle! Because you love me. You don't want to be away from me, and therefore your judgment is clouded. You can't see that what I'm saying makes sense!"
He looked at the ceiling and grunted. "Damn right I don't wanna be away from you! But you're so willing to be away from me?" He clutched a hand to his chest, like he was feeling physical pain. Kate could have collapsed from the weight of that gesture alone.
"God, no. Jesus Castle, can't you see how much this is killing me?" She placed both palms atop her heart. "I can't breathe, I can't function, with the weight of this decision. But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do."
"You don't know right and wrong, Kate. When it comes to your mother and her case, and everything surrounding Bracken, you've always seen in shades of grey."
It felt like a slap to the face, and she staggered from the accusation in his words. "That's not true. I've always –"
"No, you haven't." Castle crossed his arms across his chest, his glare softening only slightly. "You attacked the senator. You taunted him in all the ways he taunted you. You played by your own rules, and you know it. Yes, you took him down legally, but the war between you two has never been over, and it'll never be over. You will always find ways to indulge your fury and self-righteousness. But you won. Bracken is dead. None of this is your responsibility anymore."
"But it is. My team –" Kate's throat bobbed, trying to find the words to get him to understand. Her grief over losing them, because of something she looked into? They died because of her obsession. How was she supposed to just let that go?
"I know," he said, and it was softer than she'd expected. "You feel like it's your fault."
A hiccup escaped Kate's throat. "Because it is. I did this. And I have to make it right."
"And leaving me behind, doing this alone - you think that's the best way to avenge them? You think you can do a better job by yourself than with me?"
Her mouth opened and closed. She didn't know what to say, but he was quiet, giving her the time to think. "I don't think I'll do a better job, no. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that stupid search got you killed, too." She scrubbed her hands across her swollen eyes. "I'd never be able to look Martha or Alexis in the face again."
Castle took another step forward and Kate had to tighten her legs to keep from stepping back. "Well, we're at an impasse then. Because I'd rather die by your side than allow you to leave me." He took another step, close enough to touch, but Kate didn't dare. "Anyone who knows you knows how much you love me. Leaving me isn't going to magically remove me from their radar. I'm still a potential pawn. They could use me to get to you whether we live under the same roof or not."
"But at least if I go," Kate choked, "then their targets will be too focused on me to linger on you."
He shook his head and clicked his tongue. "It's a ruse. It's smoke and mirrors. You walking out that door doesn't mean you leave your feelings behind." He brushed his fingers across her elbow, and Kate had to close her eyes. She couldn't look at him right now.
"It's what I have to do."
It was like a mantra now. She had to do the right thing. Letting him do this with her was wrong.
Castle held her forearm. "No, you don't. You can compromise."
She wanted to scoff. She didn't see a way out of this. Surely he had to know she'd tried? That she'd spent hours trying to figure out a way, any way, out of this that didn't involve stomping on their hearts, risking everything she'd worked so hard for.
"How?" She knew she sounded doubtful. Because she was. He'd say anything to get her to stay. (And she didn't know how much longer she could indulge him. She felt like she was running out of time.)
"You want people to think we're not together, don't you?" She met his eyes, and saw the sadness there.
"If the world thinks I've left you, then they won't go after you. They'll know I'm working this case alone."
"Then let's let them think that." He squeezed her gently until her arms fell down by her side, her entire self open and bare to him. "Let's take a rhetorical break. Let's put on a show."
"A show?"
He nodded. "My mother is a fantastic actor, Beckett. I've picked up a thing or two from watching her all these years. If you want me to play the part of a broken-hearted man whose wife walked out on him, I can play that role. If you want me to steer clear of the precinct, I will. I will do whatever you ask of me, but I will not let you walk out that door."
She swallowed hard, and looked into his eyes. He looked like his normal, goofy self. All traces of the anger and hurt she'd seen mere moments ago had evaporated. His hope… It was like the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. She wanted more than anything to race toward it, but her feet wouldn't move.
"You asked me if I trusted you, and I do. I know you believe you need to do whatever it takes to keep me and the rest of our family out of harm's way, and I love you for that. But you need to trust me, now. And you need to give this a shot." He frowned. "It's the only way we're going to make it out of this with our marriage intact."
She heard the implied threat. If she walked out that door, she'd lose him forever.
But at least he'd be alive.
She opened her mouth to decline, to tell him there was no way his plan would ever work, but nothing came out. Her eyes flicked to the fire burning in the hearth, and she was overwhelmed with a longing for home, for normalcy.
She thought of Rita. She and Jackson never saw one another, but at least they both understood and accepted that fact. Castle would never accept that life from her, and quite frankly, she didn't want that kind of life either. Who knew how long it would take to bring down Loksat?
Could Castle be right, here? Was she wrong in her attempt to leave him behind?
The sooner they took them down, the sooner her life could begin anew. Castle had been her partner for years. He'd saved her, in every possible way. He was the yin to her yang and the only person she trusted with this information.
He was her home. And she realized, finally, that there was no way she could leave him behind.
"Okay," she whispered, and bit down firmly on her lip. She pictured her mother, and wondered what she would think of this decision. If she'd be considered weak, or brave. Maybe both.
"Okay?" Castle whispered back, and both hands slid up to Kate's shoulders.
"I never wanted to leave, Castle. You've gotta understand that."
He pulled her against him in a tight hug. Her arms wrapped around his middle and she breathed him in, letting his scent chase away any lingering doubt.
"I know." She squeezed her eyes shut when he pressed a firm kiss to the side of her head. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
She didn't know how long he held her. She felt lulled back to baseline with the stroke of his hand on her hair, his other on her back. Her fingers ached at the strength in which she clutched his shirt, but she never wanted to let go.
But eventually she did. There were logistics to sort out, agreements to make. It felt clandestine and sickening, hopeful and intriguing. It felt both right and wrong, but Kate knew there was no turning back from it now.