The Rebel In Jet Turbo Mode
By Rob Morris
MCDUCK MANOR, DUCKBURG
Scrooge McDuck tried to see if he heard his great-nephew correctly.
"Ye want to hire a solicitor to do what?!"
Louie spoke again, wondering if it was the request or Scrooge's hearing that was the problem.
"I said I want to hire a lawyer to sue Uncle Donald."
Scrooge had no problem with his hearing, though he kind of wished he did at this point.
"Lad, I admire your drive to make money. But aside from the remote prospect of my shuffling off to one of several afterlives I have options on – Elysium seems very inviting – your Uncle Donald has nae money to be sued against – and very nearly none at all! Ye of all people have to know that."
Louie shook his head.
"It's not his money – though I have some suspicions – I want. It's his release from one aspect of his guardianship."
Scrooge was not certain he wanted his most ambitious kin released from any authority he was presently under.
"Alright, I'll bite – what would that aspect be?"
Louie smiled, again not entirely reassuring his elder.
"I want the right to undo the crime he committed against the three of us."
Scrooge pondered.
"Life on the houseboat? Oh, lad – I would have been ill prepared to take you boys in until not long before we met up again-"
"NO! I mean – I mean no. My name – he robbed me – robbed all of us – of the awesome names our Mom had set aside for us. I could have been REBEL!"
Scrooge wiped his brow.
"And ye shall always be such to me, lad. Look, yuir Ma is a woman of high spirits, and when she laid your eggs, the prospect of motherhood had her giddy – mayhap a wee bit too giddy at times – and your Uncle oft seemed on the verge of talking her down from such things – calming her down."
Louie froze briefly.
"Uncle Donald calmed her – calmed anyone?"
Scrooge recalled anew how recently his niece had returned to their lives. In the frenzy of things, it had seemed far longer.
"Ye haven't seen much of this, but – while no one loses it quite so often as your Uncle – on those occasions where your Ma has lost her temper – it can actually far exceed his own."
Louie breathed in.
"I'll - take your word on that one. But she's becoming an awesome parent. Why couldn't he have respected the wishes of his own twin sister?"
Scrooge rolled his eyes.
"Is this the same Mother Of The Year who set a barely-reformed AI Drone as your keeper rather than just sit you down and explain how dangerous time travel is?"
Louie shrugged broadly but hesitatingly.
"So she overcompensated – she's still feeling her way around – but I am convinced she had the names right. But she says that she has to respect all Uncle Donald did while she was gone, and he won't budge. So I just want to borrow one of your attorneys or find a way to get one – for free – that can take my righteous case to a judge. Can you imagine what our lives would have been like as Jet, Turbo and Rebel?"
Scrooge ignored either diverting one of his solicitors for this nonsense, and the insanity of a lawyer taking this Pro Bono. He instead went to the great weakness in Louie's statement.
"I think you would have been the toughest boys around – even more skilled than Webby at hand to hand combat..."
Louie's eyes went as wide as saucers, just as Scrooge had hoped as he lowered the boom.
"...because with names like those, ye would have been in fights every day since before pre-school."
Louie deflated on all fronts.
"So you won't help me, because you think he did us a favor. Alright – but two more questions."
"If they're not even remotely like that one, fire away."
"They're not. So one – Uncle Donald did his best, and was always there for us. Mom is trying her best, and never stopped trying to get back – should probably retrieve her leg to prevent any cloning, but I digress – and you have been awesome..."
This time, it was Scrooge's turn to be put off as Louie finished.
"So Where Is Our Father?"
Scrooge coughed, and seemed to be choking.
"Next question!"
"Uncle -"
"I SAID NEXT QUESTION!"
For a brief moment, Louie saw something of Donald's pre-temper face on one of the calmer men he had ever known, and it was scary.
"Fine. Leave that one alone. Got it. So – why does Uncle Donald talk the way he does?"
Scrooge looked calmer, but now anxious in a nervous way.
"Your uncle – he gets – excitable – and that – distorts his words. When he's calmer, he's - easier to understand."
Louie now rolled his eyes.
"Wow. Verbatim from Mom. You must have rehearsed that one. Okay, I'll drop that too."
Scrooge tried to find any reason.
"Speaking of attorneys, or lawyers, or solicitors – I have to get with mine and determine whether Webbigail is all you boys' cousin, aunt or great-aunt – heh – laws on clones are kind of a new legal frontier, ye ken."
Louie watched him almost dart away, and the schemer in him saw the way to at least get nearer his last two questions.
"Speaking of Webby – where's Lena at?
(Continued in next short piece)