Bella's Point of View
The last few weeks have been difficult, to say the least. Adjusting to my new life was proving to be a bit of a challenge. Every day seemed to blend together, most of my time was divided into long hunting sessions during the night hours, practicing self control and learning how to safely use my new strength and speed. I couldn't call what I was doing, as living. It all just seemed like I was following steps to a survival guide. There wasn't much enjoyment to be found, but there was one thing.
Between hunting and training, Edward always had time set aside to bring a ray of sunshine to my existence. Sometimes we would take long walks into the forest, or he would play his piano for me. It gave me something to look forward to. Without him, I'm not sure I would be able to adapt to this life. Especially when I knew how much my absence is hurting Charlie.
That's something I never wanted to do. To hurt or worry my father. He didn't deserve it. I wanted to… just visit him and let him know that I'm okay. But I knew it would be putting him in danger, it's selfish for me to put my own feelings before his safety. I would stay hidden away, out of the public eye. Until the others decide on where they would move and when. Before traveling, Carlisle felt it would be for the best, if I got the basics of being a vampire down to a science. Settle into my new body and gain a little confidence in myself.
I wasn't sure if that was a possibility for me. I never was a confident person, when I was just a human. And with the loss of Rene, so fresh in my mind, it had taken an even bigger strike on my confidence. I had felt so incredibly alone and lost in this world. Part of who I was, was stripped away from me. Even more so when I was turned. I lost part of my identity. And the rest of my family. It was hard to find reasons to smile these days.
Rosalie was tagging along for my hunt today. They never let me hunt alone. Not as long as I'm in this newborn phase. Other than Edward, she was a comfort to be around. She had shared her story with me, on the situation of how she was turned and how she feels about it now. I had the sense that I could relate to her feelings. If it had been my choice, I'm not confident that I would have wanted this life. Not if it meant keeping me from the last person I had left. Charlie.
"How are you feeling today?" Rosalie wondered as she strolled next to me. Her movements were graceful, dignified. And her beauty made the world around us pale in comparison. I don't think I could ever get used to it. Even though it was a blow to my feelings of inferiority, I enjoyed spending time with her.
"I don't know, it's all the same, isn't it?" I replied as I picked the leaves from my tangled hair. Hunting was a messy business. I always ended up getting a bit dirty. Rosalie on the other hand, she looked perfect. Not a smudge, or a rip in her clothing. Even her honey blonde hair stayed flawlessly swept over her shoulders.
"It can feel like that sometimes. But you are doing really well. Carlisle is confident that we will be ready to move soon. By the end of the week, I think."
I'm not sure that is good news. Or just another set of steps that I'd have to go through. There weren't any other options. I had to go with them, they would protect me and help me figure all this out. Without them, I could end up hurting someone… or worse. But it still felt like I was forced to be here.
"That's great,"
Rosalie paused as her eyes scanned over me. "You're not happy." She assessed. "Is it because of Charlie? You wanted to see him."
"Well, that's partly the reason. I can't imagine leaving Forks, without saying goodbye. If I would have known a few weeks ago that my days of seeing him were coming to an end so soon, I would have cherished our time together more."
"That's understandable. It's probably one of the worst parts of this whole thing. Losing everything and everyone you ever loved. Never growing old, frozen, never moving forward." Rosalie appeared lost in thought for a while.
I decided not to reply and allow her some space with her thoughts, probably of her past. It was a delicate conversation, for both of us. Even all these years later, she was still haunted by the life she had desperately wanted and was ripped away from her.
Closing my eyes, I listened intently at the world around us. I could hear every quiet breath of the small animals that scurried around the forest floor. The tiny heart beats and rushing of blood in their veins. The trickles of rain plopping down to hit against the smooth rocks that liter the path back towards the Cullen house. In the distance, the weather was shifting, I sensed the wind approaching and the smell of rain on the horizon. A storm was coming.
"If you want… maybe we could stop over and see Charlie." Rosalie spoke up after a while.
I turned to meet her gaze. "Carlisle warned me to keep a far distance from Charlie. If he sees me, it will only mean trouble. I could hurt him."
"I think you have proven yourself. You can handle seeing him. And it's not like I'll let you go alone. I'll be there, if anything happens."
Just the thought, it would be a possibility filled me with excitement. If I could just see him. One more time. I didn't even have to talk with him. I think it would make me feel better. It would be some form of closure. But I was afraid. I've never tested my control around an actual human-being. I've only come into contact with human blood bags. Taken from the hospital that Carlisle works at.
"I don't know Rose. I'm not sure it would be worth the risk. And if I did lose control, you would not have the strength to stop me." It was true. I've been freshly turned, my human blood still resides in some of my tissue. This meant my strength far surpassed any of the Cullens at the moment. Even her husband, Emmett, couldn't put up a fight if I was to lose control.
A thoughtful look came to her face. "What if we bring along a second person? So if you do lose control, you will be able to be stopped."
"Who would be willing to disobey Carlisle's wishes like that?"
"Well, not normally, but I'm certain Edward would. There isn't much that Edward wouldn't do for you." She now gave me a brilliant smile.
There was a tight clench in my chest at the sound of his name. As if pulling out a cork from a bottle, thoughts and feelings rushed out. I couldn't hide the smile that came to my face as well.
"I don't think that's entirely true."
Rosalie rolled her eyes, before giving me an elbow to my side. "Come on, isn't it clear, you're special to him. He acts differently around you."
"He is just trying to help me through this, just like the rest of you." I argued. There was just no way Edward thought of me as someone special. He was a kind person, he wanted to help me. And I would be eternally grateful for that. I couldn't ask for more than that.
"Whatever you say," Rosalie shrugged her shoulders. "Never-the-less, I'll speak with Edward, I'm sure we could take a trip to your old home and try to spot Charlie. We wouldn't be able to talk with him, but you can at least see him."
"Thanks Rose," I couldn't contain my excitement. This would be something else to look forward to. I would get to see my dad. I just hoped that it wouldn't end up making me feel worse.
Suddenly, there was a shift in the wind, bringing a familiar scent along with it. I froze instantly, my body moved into a crouch as fear took hold of me. I held my breath, forcing back the urge to growl.
Jasper appeared in front of us, his eyes downcast. Alice stood in front of him with her usual cheerful smile.
"Don't come any closer." Rosalie spoke cautiously, keeping her eyes on Jasper. There wasn't aggression in her tone. But there was a sternness that I appreciated. I wasn't ready to face Jasper, I was still completely terrified of him.
Alice held her hands up, her smile turning more sheepish in nature. "We aren't here to cause any trouble,"
"Why did you bring him here? You know Bella isn't ready to talk to him. If you have something to say, you can come on your own. Not corner us out here." Rose said with a click of her tongue.
There was an audible wince from Jasper, but he still wouldn't lift his gaze off his feet. There was an aurora of guilt surrounding him, pouring off him in waves. It was palpable. I felt his emotions sweep through me. Was this his way of showing his regret of his actions? By sharing his emotions with everyone in his proximity. I knew he had a special ability to control the feelings of those around him. It was a scary power.
"Relax Rose, we were just on our way to hunt." Alice said gently, before taking Jasper by the hand to guide him past us.
I held my breath, until they were far enough away. I couldn't look at either one of them. I couldn't look at Jasper, because of the trauma response it invoked in me. I couldn't look at Alice, but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Ever since I took my first steps into this life as a vampire, Alice has tried to be nice and welcoming, but I couldn't stand seeing the guilt and pity in her eyes. The pain she might have felt. Jasper was someone she loved dearly, of course she would never fault him for what happened. It was an accident. He didn't truly want to hurt me.
But I didn't see him that way. With rose-tinted glasses. I didn't know him personally. He put me through the worst injuries I've never imagined. And he did so, with the full intent of drinking my blood, until I was dead. I couldn't let that go. A lapse in control, or not. He attempted to kill me. It wasn't something I was going to forget and forgive easily. Maybe it was unfair. But that's how I felt. Someday I may find it possible to forgive him. But that was unclear.
"Are you alright?" Rose asked as we continued our walk back to the house. She placed a single hand on my shoulder.
I nodded, trying to smile. "I'm fine, it's silly, I should really get over what happened by now. But…"
"No, you have every right to feel this way. He is the man that hurt you… he tried to kill you. And now, because of him, you're… a vampire." She frowned deeply. "You are handling this situation better than I did. When I had the chance, I killed the man that hurt me. I took my own revenge. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."
Her words comforted me a little. I was really glad that Rose understood what I felt. It was nice having someone around like her. I truly think we will be great friends.
"Thanks, I appreciate you saying that."
"No matter what, I'm here for you, okay?" She replied, pulling me in for a one armed hug.
Just as we came into view of the house, my eyes went right to Edward as I hugged Rosalie back. He had been waiting for us on the front porch.
His butterscotch eyes danced with emotion, a crooked smile across his face. The tightening in my chest started again. The one thing I was thankful for, was the fact that I could no longer blush. Rene used to say my face was an open book. She always knew what was on my mind. But now, the blood no longer was flowing. My emotions could be better hidden now. Less embarrassing, still a little depressing. Especially with my thoughts turning to my mother.
"How was the hunt?" He asked, reaching his hand out to me.
I took his hand, being careful with the pressure that I used, to give it a squeeze. "It was good. I'm completely satisfied now. Hopefully I won't have to go back out for a while."
"Well, if you do, I'll come with you next time." He chuckled easily.
Rose smirked, watching between the two of us, but remained quiet as she folded her arms across her chest.
The thought of getting some time with Edward was a thrilling idea. Perhaps I will go out hunting again today. Just to get a few hours alone with him. It was embarrassing to admit how fond I was of him.
In moments like this, I was relieved that he couldn't read my mind.
"That would be great," I smiled warmly. It was the first time today that I was able to give a genuine smile.
Edward and Rosalie exchanged looks for a moment. Wordless. But I got the sense they were having some kind of conversation. Edward was reading her thoughts. Maybe she was discussing the plans of seeing Charlie.
But the look of annoyance on Edward's face made me second guess that initial assumption.
"Well, I'll give you two lovebirds some privacy. We'll talk about the details later." Rose said with a smug grin in our direction. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, before moving up past the two of us to go inside.
I could hear Emmett approaching her instantly in the doorway, pulling her in for a passionate kiss. I didn't turn around to look, I kept my eyes forward, wanting to give them privacy. It was bad enough that I could hear them, no matter where they were in the house, I didn't want to see it.
Edward leaned over, his lips just inches from my ear. "Would you like to take a walk. There is a place I'd like to show you." His voice was so smooth and quiet.
My body shuddered and my breath caught in my throat for a second. He was so close. His scent was intoxicating. For a moment, I lost my train of thought, but it only took a faction of a second to gather my composure.
"I'd love to." I replied eagerly.
His hand remained in mine as he led me forward. We started out in a slow run, chatting about our day, just enjoying each other's company. At some point, we decided on racing. Edward really enjoyed running and he was the fastest of everyone. I had yet to win a single race against him. So, it was no surprise when Edward blasted forward, leaving me in the dust.
I kept him within sight and there were times that he slowed down for me to catch up. But finally, we paused at the opening of a field, blooming with the most beautiful arrangement of flowers and plant life. It was like stepping into another world.
I was swept away with emotion as I took a few steps forward, letting my hands go out to lightly touch the flowers. So green and vibrant. Butterflies danced around the air, birds were chirping off in the distance. But it was so quiet here. Peaceful.
"What are you thinking?" Edward asked curiously as he followed me. We walked to nearly the center of the field, before I lowered myself to the ground.
"This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen."
Edward chuckled, taking a seat next to me. "This is my safe haven. A place I can come to, to be alone."
"It's incredible. Almost feels like we aren't in Forks anymore."
His smile widened. "I thought the same thing when I first discovered this place. I was hoping, if there was ever a time you wanted some peace, or I'm not around to help you through hardships, you will be able to come here."
I chewed my lip, letting his words sink in. "Does that mean you aren't always going to be around… to help me?"
Edward raised a brow, tilting his head to the side slightly. "With your permission, I'd never leave your side. But I don't want to assume you would want that."
If my heart could still beat in my chest, I could imagine it would be racing right now. No one has ever said something like that to me before. I didn't know the context behind his words. Did he mean this in a friendly way, or a romantic way? I didn't want to embarrass myself, so I just decided to take this as an offer of friendship. It was the safe route.
"Of course, I'd love nothing more than for you to always be around. You've helped me so much. So, I can't let you go anywhere. Not without me."
He exhaled for a moment, as if he had been holding his breath. Relief washed over his expression. "I'm glad you said that, because I had no plans of ever leaving."
That thought excited me even more. It was nice to have someone that cared for me. I had thought I would be alone in this new world. No parents. No friends. Nothing to look forward to. But there was. Edward Cullen filled that empty void. And I couldn't help, but cling to him.
Cautiously, I leaned over, letting my head rest on his shoulder. Tension left my body, almost immediately. He froze for a second, and right when I thought he was going to pull away, his arm came around me, pulling me closer to his side.
It felt so right, being here in his arms. I wished that I could stay like this forever. But I knew that wasn't the reality I was living in. Edward didn't see me that way. He was just kind. A friend, comforting another friend. That's all this was. Honestly, that's all I could ask for. He has already done so much. It would be selfish to want more… Even though I knew deep down, I did want more.
"Edward," I said quietly.
"Yes?"
There was so much I wanted to say. But I wasn't brave enough to put my feelings into actual words. You make me happy. I feel safe with you. You are my reason.
"When I found out I was a vampire, I really thought my life was over. Ruined. I have nothing. I am nothing. But I'm alive. And I'm learning how to be happy again. And that is thanks to you."
Edward was quiet for a minute. I couldn't read his expression, but I felt him pull me a little closer. "Since I've met you, I can't think straight. I can't make sense of my own emotions. All I know, is wherever you are, is where I want to be. Forever."
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this update. This story is a lot of fun to write. Edward and Bella are beginning to work through their thoughts and feelings. They are beginning to put the pieces together, but they aren't there yet.