"This is intolerable," muttered Jonathan Crane, glaring at the police officers from behind the bars of the jail cell. "Trapped in holding pens like common criminals – why can't they just take us back to Arkham?"
"Yes, then at least we could get some sleep," agreed Tetch, who was lying on one of the long, wooden benches trying to do just that. "But nobody could sleep with the accommodation in here."
"Because, genius, the asylum isn't open yet," retorted the desk officer, who had just hung up the phone. "They don't process patients until the doctors get there at nine. So you're our problem until then."
"I wasn't aware Arkham had a curfew," said Crane. "But then I suppose we don't usually get captured at this time of day. Batman usually isn't out and about this early."
"Just our luck he was today," snapped Ivy. "You guys have to remind me to never work with animals and children ever again. And by children, I mean Harley. How could she do this to us?"
"Pamela, you know by now that she'd do anything to protect Joker," retorted Crane. "Including abandoning her friends to Batman."
"Must be nice for J to have that kinda loyalty in a woman," growled Two-Face, who was awkwardly attempting to bandage his broken arm with his good arm. "Don't tell me you couldn't have stopped that rhino with your plants, Pam."
"You should have got out of its way," she retorted. "I told you to run, but you don't listen to me, only to the coin. This is a good lesson for you not to depend on the coin so much in making very obvious decisions. I'm teaching you self-reliance, Harvey."
"I bet that's J's excuse when he abandons Harley too," muttered Two-Face.
"What was that?" snapped Ivy. "Are you comparing me to J?"
"If the shoe fits," retorted Two-Face.
"You take it back, or I'll break your other arm!" shouted Ivy.
"Threats of abuse – also like J!" snapped Two-Face. "Maybe that's why you hate him so much – he reminds you of you, and there must be a lot of self-loathing there!"
"What are you, a shrink?" demanded Ivy.
"No, but I am, and I'm telling you both to shut up!" snapped Crane. "Honestly, this day just can't get any worse, can it?!"
"Oh, it can," murmured Tetch, staring out between the bars of the cell as two familiar figures entered the station. They were dressed as police officers, but that did little to disguise their true identities from those who knew them well.
"Good morning, I'm Officer Barrow, and this is Officer Parker," said the male officer, smiling broadly behind hastily applied flesh-colored makeup. "We've come to transfer the prisoners to Arkham Asylum."
"O…K," said the officer on duty, studying them suspiciously. "I don't think I've ever seen you around here before…"
"It's our first day on the job," interrupted the man.
"That's why they gave us such a crappy assignment!" laughed the woman. "Hazing the new recruits, right? You must know how it is."
"Yep, both a dangerous and a tedious job, dropping off the freakshow at the old nuthouse!" chuckled the man. "We're like a glorified taxi service for psychos!"
"I was under the impression that we had to hold the prisoners here temporarily since Arkham isn't open to receive patients this early," said the officer. "My sergeant just got off the phone with them…"
"Yeah, but you know how overcrowded we are here at the station," interrupted the woman. "We've got direct orders from Commissioner G, and he wants us to drive the prisoners over to Arkham and wait with them until they open so we can free up space here. So that's what we're here to do."
"Commissioner G?" repeated the officer, raising an eyebrow.
"What, you don't call him that?" asked the woman. "I thought everyone did. It's what all of us down at the 92nd precinct call him - good old Commissioner G!"
The officer continued to study them both suspiciously, his attention finally fixating on the man. "Aren't you a little old to be a rookie cop?" he asked.
"Wow, that sounds like ageism to me," retorted the man, drawing himself up. "I haven't been so insulted since that time I was accused of being a little short for a stormtrooper. What's your name? I think I'll have to report you to your sergeant for your discriminatory remarks."
"No, sorry, I didn't mean…" began the officer, instantly apologetic.
"It's too late for apologies," interrupted the man. "Then again, if you let us take the prisoners without further ado, I guess I could overlook your unprofessional behavior, just this once."
"I really can't do that – without the proper authorization, I'll lose my job…" began the officer.
"You're about to lose your job for the ageist remark, buddy," interrupted the man. "At least you'll just be fired for incompetence if you let the prisoners go with us. While you'll be fired for discrimination if you don't, and that's much more socially stigmatizing, particularly these days. We prefer idiocy to prejudice in our clown world."
"I'm truly really sorry…" began the officer.
"Take your apology and shove it – just give us the prisoners," said the man.
"Well, that was lucky, seeing as how your disguise was convincing no one," commented Crane, as Joker and Harley came over to unlock the cell door.
"You know, a thank you would be nice," snapped Joker, seizing him by the arm and dragging him out of the cell. "Mind your step," he added, suddenly tripping Crane up so he smashed his face into the bars. "Any other smartass comments, freaks?" he demanded.
Everyone was silent as they were led out of the station by Joker and Harley, who promptly bundled them all into the waiting police van. "Did you hotwire this?" asked Two-Face, looking around.
"No, we highjacked it," said Harley, as she and Joker climbed into the front seats and drove off. "There were a bunch of cops cleaning up the damage we did with that whole vault thing – apparently driving a large building through the city creates quite a few civilian casualties."
"Yeah, rubble and destruction everywhere, and it's not even breakfast!" said Joker proudly. "Pretty great day so far, if you ask me."
"No one did," retorted Tetch.
"Why are you all in such a bad mood? We got you outta there, didn't we?" demanded Joker. "You could at least be the slightest bit grateful for that."
"Why would we be grateful when you got us locked up in the first place?" demanded Ivy. "You dragged Batman out in the daylight, you released a rampaging rhino, and then you turned tail and ran when it all got out of hand!"
"And then we got you outta jail," finished Harley. "So we're square."
"I think we're a little more than square – hijacking the van was hard work, and I had to put on makeup and everything," said Joker, gesturing to his face. "I think you guys owe me for the jailbreak."
"Forget it – we saved you from being crushed by that vault first, so if anything, you owe us," retorted Ivy.
The sound of a police siren prevented further argument, and Joker glanced in the review mirror to see a cop car following them. "Harley, pull over," he said, beginning to unbutton his uniform. "And stay calm. I got this."
"What are you going to do?" asked Harley.
"You'll see," said Joker, reaching under the seat and pulling out a blood-spattered lab coat, stethoscope, and glasses.
"I hate to even ask where you got that," said Two-Face, as Joker climbed over to join them in the back of the van.
"There was a doctor helping a wounded person when we hijacked the van," explained Joker, pulling on the lab coat. "He met with a hilarious accident. You ever hear the one about the doctor who amputated the wrong leg? It was like that, only it was his leg, and they were both cut off."
"You stay the hell away from me!" commanded Two-Face, as the van slowed to a stop and Joker approached him.
"Relax, Harv - this has gotta look realistic, and you're the only one who actually needs medical attention," snapped Joker. "So stop being such a baby, or I'll have to do a dead baby joke, capiche?"
He seized Two-Face's broken arm, who howled in pain as the door to the van opened. "Is there a problem, officer?" asked Joker, adjusting the glasses on his nose.
"Yeah, this van was reported stolen from a crime scene," said the officer, shining his flashlight around the van. "And it just happens to be full of criminals."
"Criminals who are being escorted to Arkham – the desk guy should have filled you in," retorted Joker. "They don't have the space to hold 'em at the station, and this one needs medical attention," he added, nodding at Two-Face, who was suppressing a grimace of pain. "I got a call to come to GCPD, and the prisoners and I were escorted to this van. I don't know how the van got there, and I don't care – I just care about fixing my patient," he said, twisting Two-Face's other arm.
"If you break my good arm, I'll break your face!" shouted Two-Face.
"As you can see, there's already been some violence along with the threats," said Joker, gesturing to his blood-stained lab coat. "But it's still my duty to help people, no matter how ungrateful they are."
The officer said nothing, examining the inmates closely. "What's your name and where do you work?" he asked, turning the flashlight on Joker again. "I'll need to call in to confirm your story."
"I'm Dr. Walter Freeman, and I'm based at Gotham General," said Joker, glancing at the nametag on the lab coat. "And I don't have time to answer further questions – my patient needs urgent care," he said, twisting Two-Face's good arm again so it snapped. "Can't you see how much pain he's in?" he shouted over Two-Face's yells.
The officer shut the van door to drown out the noise, and Joker instantly released Two-Face's arm and commanded, "Drive, Harley."
"Where?" she asked, slamming her foot on the gas.
"I think we need to get outta town for a little while," said Joker. "They're gonna be on to us pretty quick since we fled the scene and all, so I think this is the perfect time to take a nice, long vacation."
"I'm not going on vacation with you!" snapped Ivy.
"Would you rather go back to jail?" demanded Joker. "Because you can always jump out anywhere! Though I bet it'll be kinda a bumpy landing!"
He snapped his fingers. "And speaking of bumpy landings, I know just where we can go! Harley, take this next exit! We're heading to Gotham Airport!"