Shinobi Guy
Crossovers: A mix of many shows made by Seth Macfarlane and Matt Groening. Better yet, Matt Groening and whatever Seth didn't steal, haha.
Pairings: Naruto x Hera (Blood of Zeus version)
Land of Demons
As Naruto walked up the hill where everyone else was watching. Ignoring Temari and Shikamaru's comment about the volcano he caused, almost as if they had this idea that they could have stopped Moryo themselves without causing such destruction. He put down Shion who thanked him for a good day's work. Though she had an odd request for Naruto.
"Naruto in time, Moryo will return and a new priestess will have to seal him away." Shion said.
"Ok." Naruto said already understanding that fact.
"Well you help me grow this power when the time comes?" Shion asked shocking the group behind her.
"Uh, like teach it ninjutsu or something?" Naruto asked.
Shion sighed as did everyone else. Apparently the metaphor about growing power is a universal slang for sex. Because Naruto didn't understand anything until Shion decided to be specific.
"I'm asking if you would bare my child!" Shion practically shouted.
Naruto once again found himself having stolen the heart of a movie girl. Something that often happens during filler. Often times he dislikes these girls but some are ok. Though he was sure there were still a few movie and filler girls out there. Seriously, how does Naruto attract these girls when Sasuke gets all the girls in the academy? Sure those girls were trash, but come on!
Maybe Konoha is a village full of cock blockers.
"Yeah…" Shion smiled while everyone else looked even more shocked. Until Naruto finished his sentence, "…no. You were super mean to me for most of the time and you can't just ask a guy to have sex with you." he said surprising her.
"But this is a rare opportunity!" Shion argued.
"I'm not looking for free sex!" Naruto argued back.
"I need a strong heir!" Shion yelled.
"That's the problem! You're basically telling me that my value is in my biology!" Naruto yells and further surprises everyone by using a good argument. "However, I do have a gift that I was meant to give you." he said.
Shion smirked thinking she could use this to her advantage. She extended her hands, ready to "graciously" accept it. Only to hear a clicking noise as a pair of hand cuffs.
"What?" Shion asked.
Naruto suddenly pulled out a police badge, "Priestess Shion, you are hereby under arrest for the unlawful imprisonment of a deity." he said.
"This is not funny Naruto Uzumaki!" Shion exclaimed while glaring at him.
Then suddenly everyone took cover as a purple sentient with ram horns appeared. Followed by several police squad cars. One of them revealing a chubby man with yellow skin and blue hair appeared.
"That's her right there officer!" said the deity.
The police officer nodded, "Well if it isn't Officer Uzumaki. Good job young man, one of these days you'll be promoted to Eddy or even Lou." he said pointing to his subordinates.
"Chief Wiggum, I think you mean Seargent." Lou said.
"Lou, now is not a good time. Now book 'em." Chief Wiggum ordered.
"Naruto-baka! What are you doing!?" Sakura screams.
"They're also accessories to a crime." Naruto said pointing at the shinobi.
Everyone glares at Sakura who paled in fear. All before they were dragged into the squad cars.
Several months later (yes, a court trial takes a crap load of time)
Tsunade rubbed her temples as she sat in the court room. Apparently the mission was annulled as Shion and the Land of Demons apparently committed a crime. One that Naruto made sure was revealed, proving once again that Naruto is an idiot but actually the most capable shinobi. As she was lucky that the charges were dropped for Sakura and everyone else.
Sadly Shion got the short end of the stick.
"All rise, honorable Judge Gilgamesh!" the bailiff announced.
Then a blond man with red eyes and a judge's robe appeared, "Mongrels, you may be seated." He said snobbishly
(The People's Court Theme Song)
"Today's case will be Priestess Shion of the Land of Demons versus God of Darkness of Remnant." the judge announced as he looked over the case files. "How does the defense plead?" he asked.
"Not guilty! Your honor, Moryo is a demon!" Shion argued.
"Objection!" exclaimed a man with spiky slicked back hair. "Your honor, I have solid proof that my client is indeed the God of Darkness. As he was tricked by his older brother and sealed away by the family line of the Priestess!" he said.
"You have no proof!" Shion yelled.
SLAM*
Gilgamesh slammed his gavel down, "Be silent you blond haired mongrel. With what Mr. Phoenix Wright has stated. It is clear that Moryo is merely a name you have given Mr. GoD before forcefully imprisoning him. However, the issue with God of Light will be investigated and held on a separate date." he states.
Shion paled as she could sense the glare on GoD's nonexistent face. Her family just locked away a god and she's paying for it.
"Now, may the officer in charge of the arrest please step forward." Gilgamesh requested as Naruto arrived in full police gear.
Naruto then sat down as he was sword in with a holy book. Promising to tell nothing but the absolute truth or face punishment as Gilgamesh sees fit.
A long case later
Gilgamesh closed his eyes as he crossed his arms, "I have come to a decision." he said.
"Your honor, it's up to the jury." the bailiff said.
"Yet I am the one in charge of the punishment, am I not?" Gilgamesh asked as he opened his eyes with a smirk.
The bailiff sighed and nodded. The jury didn't need to hold a meeting or anything. They sided with God of Darkness and saw the Land of Demons as the criminals.
"Your honor, we the jury hereby declare Priestess Shion and the Land of Demons, Guilty. Of holding a deity under unjust imprisonment, slander, and contempt against a divine being." said one the lead juror.
"Very well Priestess Shion and her nations will compensate God of Darkness with the removal of her dojutsu and no longer pass on her bloodline as well as compensate Konohagakure for their hard work and involvement. This case is dismissed!" Gilgamesh said slamming the gavel as balloons suddenly appeared.
Shion cried while Naruto packed up his things and shook a few hands. Leaving while ignoring the shocked looks of his fellow Konoha ninja and Hokage.
Later that night
No one knew Naruto moved into a nicer home in a less populated middle class area of Konoha. So once he entered the home and safely secured the locks. He crashed onto his couch and smashed his face against a pillow before letting out a loud groan.
"I hate court! Why do I have to be the reliable one!?" Naruto asked out loud. Naruto rolled onto his back and stared at the cieling. "Hera? Why can't people be more like me?" he asked sounding egotistical.
"Because no one wants to be a loudmouth, arrogant, ramen eating glutton who wants a ridiculous profession that while has it's merit, becomes thankless in the end." said a female from another room.
"Hera where are you?" Naruto asked.
"In the kitchen." Hera answered as Naruto went wide eyed.
"Do you know what happened the last you were in the kitchen!?" Naruto asked.
"A fire happened." Hera said without a care.
"And do you know why that fire happened?" Naruto asked glaring at the doorway to the kitchen.
"Hmm, I'm not sure actually. I was setting up the table while you were handling the stove." Hera replied sounding annoyed.
Naruto's face contorted to one of nervousness, "Oh right." he said.
Naruto was the one that started the fire. While he didn't want to be the stereotype of making Hera cook because she's the woman or cook himself to seem like a good guy. They chose to work together and take turns. Though it appeared that Hera has actual skill in making food.
So after a moment of silence, Naruto spoke up again, "Watcha makin'?" he asked.
"A fine dish that would make even Poseidon and Hades cry tears of joy." Hera answered proudly.
Naruto smiled as he started making his way towards the kitchen, "That sounds amazing!" he replied.
"Yes, for you darling. I have taken the liberty to make boiled potatoes with a single grain of salt added for flavor." Hera said just as Naruto entered the kitchen. Then laughing at his frowning face, "For your hard work. I will add another grain of salt." she said with a smirk.
Naruto immediately walked closer to Hera and slowly pushed her against a wall. Hera closed her eyes as Naruto placed his lips close to her ear.
"How dare you? How dare you Hera?" Naruto whispered as Hera groaned. When he started moving his palm around her throat, "How dare you tease me?" he asked now chuckling as he started kissing her neck.
Hera started to giggle as she gently pushed Naruto away. Only for the younger blond to grab a hold of her and twirl her around. Before they knew it, the two were moving around almost as if they were waltzing.
"Enough dear, dinner first and then we fool around." Hera said as she kissed her lover's cheek.
A few minutes into dinner
Naruto nervously tapped looked at his food. It wasn't him thinking that Hera was poisoning him or trying to threaten him. He still felt nervous about everything going on up util two years ago.
"Hera, is this fine?" Naruto asked.
"What's fine?" Hera asked curiously.
"All this. Are you sure you want to be with me of all people?" Naruto asked nervously. "I'm not trying to convince you to dump me or anything. I'm just asking if I'm uh… you know? That thing where I keep you happy?" he asked.
"Pleasure?" Hera asked.
"Yeah that, I mean two years for you was probably a blink of an eye." Naruto said adding the account of him aging while Hera herself cannot.
Hera sighed, "Do not worry about such trivial things Naruto. Only a fool should worry about small details." She said trying to calm him down. Naruto still looked a bit unsure, "Darling, I care about you. If you are concerned with being with me. Try not to worry about the future, but rather now." She said making him feel a bit better.
"Ok Hera." Naruto said smiling at the goddess.
Naruto briefly stared at Hera before slowly trying to reach for her arm. Wanting to holding her hand in a gentle embrace. Only to stop as he heard a knock at the door making him frown.
"I'll got get it." Naruto said as he stood up leaving a disappointed Hera.
At the door, Naruto was faced with an angry bearded man who was clearly taller than him. From the looks of his anger and the deadly aura he emitted.
"Bring me…"
"We don't want any!" Naruto shouted as he slammed the door on his face.
The elder man looked shocked, "Did he just slam the door on my face? Me? The All Father Zeus?" he asked before knocking again.
Naruto sighed as he answered the door again, "What?" he asked.
"I demand…"
Naruto slammed the door again. Leaving an annoyed Zeus outside of his home. Once again having to open the door again to the God of Lightning.
"Yeah?" Naruto asked.
"I am Zeus! The almighty….
Yet again, Naruto slammed the door on his face. At this point, Zeus had to try a new tactic without gathering attention. It's bad enough that he slept with another human woman and caused a baby to be thrown into an ocean before growing up and turning into a demon. In hindsight, it could have gone much worse seeing now that everyone lost their respect for Zeus after that.
In actuality, they mostly hated him after Hera just left his ass for sleeping with Electra. Even if she was an abused queen, one of her twin children literally became a demon that's killing the Greek of his world.
"I demand this door to open at once!" Zeus ordered.
"No." Naruto said from behind it.
"Please?" Zeus asked.
"No." Naruto replied again.
Zeus balled his fists and immediately moved onto the next stage of his plan. Begging and crying at the door in hopes that his ex wife opens and listens to him.
"Hera I'm sorry! Forgive me!" Zeus pleaded with tears streaming down his eyes. The door did open, "Beloved!" he yells happily.
Only for Hera to toss the boiling water she used for the boiled potatoes at his face. Zeus fell onto his back as he cradled his face. Being unable to withstand the pain.
"Hera I'm the All Father, not Superman!" Zeus yells as the pain was too much for his skin to bare.
"Well now you know my pain!" Hera yelled as she slammed the door shut.
Hera sighed as she took a seat on the couch. Holding her head as she felt the headache coming on. Naruto sat beside Hera and placed an arm over her shoulder. Both trying to drown out Zeus who was still screaming about the boiling water on his skin.
"Hera, I may be in pain but I will not leave!" Zeus shouts from the outside.
Naruto and Hera sighed as they held each other. A few minutes went by with Zeus recovering just enough to keep banging on the door. Kurama, the Kyuubi no Yoko, who had some freedom from the seal then appeared in the living room.
"What's up with the old guy?" Kurama asked.
"Hera's ex won't leave her alone." Naruto answered.
"I see, just wait here. Despite my nature, I am a pleasent person and I can speak to him on a formal manner." Kurama said surprising the two. "That's right, I will personally talk to him and convince him that Hera does not want to see him right now. Sound good?" he asked as he walked towards the door.
Once again the door was opened, "Hera I… what is this?" he asked looking at Kurama.
Kurama suddenly grew to the size of an ox and snarled loudly as his nine tails came to life. Before the God of Lightning realized it, he was tackled down by Kurama who dragged him to the porch where he was excessively chewed on by Kurama. Who continued to grow as well as slamming him on the ground several times. It's a good thing they had so few neighbors, because this was more disturbing than that time Courage the Cowardly Dog was attacked by that giant mole.
So after giving Zeus a good lashing. Kurama reverted to the size of a puppy and went back inside.
"I took care of him." Kurama said making Hera sigh in relief.
"Thank you Kurama. Though I think dinner is ruined." Hera said with a frown.
"It's fine Hera, I'll just pack everything up while you go off to bed." Naruto said as Hera kissed his cheek.
The next day
The next morning, Hera awakened to find Naruto cuddling up to her. Normally this was something she found awkward as when she's in her usual size. Her height makes it difficult and she ends up finding Naruto's head on her breasts. At least now with an adjusted height, she doesn't have to worry about such a fact.
'I wonder if it's his day off.' Hera thought as she reached for Naruto's whiskered cheeks.
When the phone on the bedside drawers started going off. Naruto let out an annoyed groan as Hera sighed and answered it. Wondering who it could be since so few people had access to telephones in this primitive village.
"Hello?" Hera asked.
"Mother! You have to come back to Olympus!" Said an eager voice.
Hera sighed again as she pinched the bridge of her nose, "Ares, what could be so important that..."
"Mother." Ares interrupted. "Time is going by very very very slowly and my heart is beating backwards!" He said in a panicked voice.
Hera raised a brow at this, "What makes you think your heart is beating backwards son." She said.
"Normally it goes, Goop Boop! But now it goes, Boop Goop!" Ares answered.
"Ok, do is there any other problem you may have?" Hera asked.
"Uh uh, I can see sound. I can hear color. I FORGOT HOW TO SHIT!" Ares screams.
Hera closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Ares, have you been drinking or eating any strange plants?" She asked now concerned with her son's health.
"NO! Ijust took some wine that Dionysius told me to not drink because it was filled with bacteria or something. But that's not the reason why I contacted you mother!" Ares exclaimed.
"Then what is your reason?" Hera asked now sounding annoyed.
"I measured my butt crack three times and it was longer each time! I'm splitting into two people!" Ares answered fearfully. "OOOH! There's several more jugs of wine over there. I will finish them all and contact you again later mother." Ares said before hanging up the phone.
Hera groaned, "This is another reason why I left my husband." She said.
Naruto yawned as he woke up, "I knew there was more to it than infidelity." He said as he tried to sit up.
"Well the girl you thought you loved was abusive. While Zeus wasn't the same, he wasn't the most responsible person either." Hera said as she started getting up from bed.
"Well I have the day off today from both jobs. So, you want to do anything today?" Naruto suggested with a grin on his face.
"Hmm, let me think about that one." Hera said as she went into the bathroom.
A while later
As Naruto had gotten dressed and started brainstorming about what to do with Hera today. Kurama came walking in on all fours with a grin on his face.
"Good news everyone!" Kurama announced just as Hera came downstairs.
"The fox is excited. Why is he excited Naruto?" Hera asked only to see Naruto shrug.
"I have finally finished all my payments and am now the proud owner of a brand new shipping company." Kurama said as he looked smug. The fox then jumped onto a chair and stood tall, "I call it, The Planet Express!" He said proudly.
Naruto shrugged, "Good for you. I'm heading out with Hera." He said.
"Hold on! I need help!" Kurama said.
"Just put an advertisement for work." Hera said as Kurama thought about it.
"Good idea!" Kurama replied.
An hour later
Kurama answered the door expecting someone to accept his job request. When he opened the door, he saw one of his younger siblings in chibi form. Chewing on the application notice he put all around the village.
"I don't even want to know why or how you're here Isobu." Kurama said to the turtle like bijuu.
"I live in a dumpster and need money to survive." Isobu replied making his brother sigh.
"Come in, let me explain what's going on." Kurama said as the turtle nodded.
"WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!" Isobu says as he runs into the house.
With the couple
Naruto and Hera arrived at one of the forests with a woven basket. Both stopping to find a spot in the forest to sit down. Naruto unsealed a scroll and revealed a soft blanket for him to put down. Naruto gently took Hera's hand and lead her down before taking out the contents of the basket.
"This is nice." Hera said. "Though I've seen other lands with more technology. More things for young people to be distracted with. It's nice to stop and enjoy the lands we've created." she said.
"Hera, there's still the concept of war. We humans can't function without that… and greed… and gluttony… and…"
"Shush Naruto, don't ruin the moment." Hera said interrupted.
"Ok, maybe something besides eating ramen and training is nice." Naruto said as he put an arm over Hera's shoulder.
After a brief moment of silence, the two began to dig into their meal. Naruto making sure that he uses a napkin and eats at a normal pace. Seeing that Hera had to scare the manners into him when they met. Though in return, Naruto had to teach Hera how to enjoy herself without being strict. One of those things being able to enjoy real food that wasn't put on a giant silver platter, handled by a skilled chef who would take three hours before presenting something the size of a pea.
Hera giggled at the thought, "Something funny?" Naruto asked curiously.
"Just reminding myself of the day we met and everything after that." Hera answered happily.
Naruto chuckled, "Yeah, worst backpain but the greatest day." he said.
Flashback
Hera growled as she cleaned off the dirt on her clothes, "You despicable human! How dare you tackle me into the… oh my Elysium!" she yelled.
"Sorry for ruining your dress lady, but I saw this thing fall from the sky." Naruto said as he pointed to a giant hammer on his back.
Just a few seconds ago, Naruto was looking at the sky thinking he saw a shooting star in the middle of the day. Only it turned out to be a hammer. Unfortunately, Hera was walking around and minding her own business when it appeared that the hammer was aiming for her. So Naruto tackled her away causing him to be hit and now he was stuck with the hammer on his back.
"This really hurts." Naruto said as he tried to stand only to hear a loud crack.
"Let me move it." Hera said as she tried using her telekinesis but with no success.
Instead Naruto felt more pain from the slight movement, "I think you made it worse." He said as a loud pop was heard.
"Oh no, maybe I can try to move it by hand." Hera said with no progress.
"I need a doctor." Naruto croaked as more popping could be heard.
Then suddenly in a streak of thunder, a blond man appeared, "There's my hammer and... I screwed up." He said.
"God of Thunder! Is this yours!?" Hera asked.
"Queen of Olympus? Never mind my hammer, what are you doing in this world?" The man asked.
Naruto let out another popping sound, "Could someone please do something about the hammer!?" He yelled.
The man panicked, "Oh right! Hold on!" He said as pulled off his hammer. Then chuckling nervously, "Haha, sorry about that. I was having an argument with Loki when my hammer slipped." He said earning a deadpan expression from Hera.
"Your hammer just slips and barrels into the Elemental Nations?" Hera asked.
Thor looked away, "It may have slipped and... tried to hit Loki in his stupid face." He answered, though he was partially honest.
Hera sighed, "Boy how do you... *POP* feel?" She asked.
"I'm gonna die. I don't want to die! I'm not gonna be Hokage if I die!" Naruto panicked as his back looks like it was run over by a truck.
Thor scratched the back of his head nervously, "Well, should one of us call a doctor." He suggested.
Hera glared at him then looked away, "Well I cannot contact Asclepius. I have issues that I do not wish to discuss." She said.
Thor decided not to say anything. It was pretty much public news that Zeus was okay infidelity. Though it sounded like Hera actually tried to take a break from Olympus instead of cursing the random bastard child Zeus conceived this time. So with a sigh, Thor remembered that he was at fault.
"What is your name boy?" Thor asked.
"Naruto." Naruto answered.
"Ok Naruto son of man. I will personally bring you to Eir. Also let us make up our own stories. Mother will be greatly angered if she finds out I attempted to rearrange Loki's face again." Thor said as she lifted up Naruto over his shoulder.
"I should come to." Hera said surprising Thor. "He did save him after all. Your hammer was meant to hit me until he shoved me out of the way." She said.
Thor snorted, "A man who fancies the ladies. A goddess no less." He told Naruto who groaned in pain from having a shattered spine.
In Asgard
Odin sighed as he stared at his son, "A human with a broken back, the Queen of Olympus and I'm assuming this had something to do with rearranging Loki's face. I'm starting to wonder who the real troublemaker here is." He said.
Thor gave a nervous chuckle, "Is Eir in her office today?" He asked.
"I'm afraid that boy needs a brand new spine entirely." Odin said.
And that's how Naruto got a godly spine that could handle Mjolnir and other godly weapons from shattering his back. That and Odin and the other gods gave Naruto a free gift as compensation. Apparently Naruto cannot die if his execution is caused by another person's stupidity. Which varies and is something Naruto does not wish to test. Ever!
End of flashback
Naruto gave a weak chuckle, "I still feel my back pain." He says as tears run down his eyes.
Hera rolled her eyes, "You are not an infant. So stop crying about it. It couldn't hurt more than a small pinch." She said. Naruto proceeded to gently pinch her side, "Don't do that!" She said giving him a light slap.
Naruto smiled as he pulled Hera closer, "Oh so who's the baby now?" He asked.
Hera pushed him, only for Naruto to grab her and pull her onto him. Hera giggled at the playful fight as the two rolled around for a good minute until she was still on top. Naruto gave her a chaste kiss. One where Hera kissed back with much passion. Both continuing their romance until they were interrupted by a kunai.
Hera glared as she used her telekinesis to lift the kunai and throw it back to it's owner.
"AHHH! SHIT!" The goddess and semi-human looked up to see Anko clutching her shoulder.
"The hell are you doing here?" Naruto asked.
"I go where I want. What the hell are you doing with an older woman gaki?" Anko asked.
"This is a private outing, what are you doing here you perverted woman?" Hera asked with a glare.
"Aren't you pretty old for the gaki?" Anko asked.
Hera glared at the woman and despite this not being her domain. She still had her full power as the Goddess of Women, Marriage and Childbirth. Often times also having a say in family and other things. Hera also had some ability to cause storms and create clear skies so that was another perk in her title. So just as Hera was about to perform one of the many things to make the Snake Mistress feel nothing but suffering, a park ranger came.
"Hey that's innapropriate. You should be ashamed." Said the park ranger.
"Hey look, it's Ranger Tai." Naruto said.
Tai suddenly walked up to Anko and handcuffed her, "You are violating the dress code of the forest." He told her.
"WHAT!? Since when is there a dress code!?" Anko asked.
"Since the staff meeting that ended 30 minutes ago." Tai answered as he started checking Anko's pockets.
"Meeting!? I didn't know about a meeting!" Anko replied.
Tai ignored her as he pulled out her dango, "Do you have a license for this?" He asked suspiciously.
Anko looked fearful, "Ah... that's not mine." She lied.
Tai glared at her, "A likely story." He said.
"Wait! Those two were kissing on the ground." Anko said referring to Naruto and Hera.
"So?" Tai asked.
"Arrest them!" Anko demanded.
"There's no law against kissing in the forest." Tai replied.
"But there's a dress code?" Anko asked with wide eyes.
"Yes." Tai said as he dragged Anko away.
Then suddenly a crow appeared and clawed at Anko, "What the hell!?" she asked.
Tai chuckled, "You gotta love crows. Crows are fun unlike ravens. I hate ravens, one of them terrified my youngest daughter." he said as Anko continued to resist arrest.
Hera sighed, "Well she ruined the moment." She said as she stood up.
Naruto frowned before coming up with an idea, "Don't worry, this date isn't ruined. I still have some stuff planned." He said as he took Hera's hand.
Back with Kurama
Kurama stared at the group he built for his delivery service. He had his brother, Isobu, and the neighbor who lives next door, Alexander Fox.
Isobu stared at Alexander, "Kurama, how in the hell did Asura-nii resurrect?" He asked.
That's right, Alexander was just an alias. A really weird one, when in fact this was actually Asura Otsutsuki. The proginator of the Uzumaki and Senju clans. To summarize how this is possible, let's just say it involved tricking Hades while in his own domain when Naruto accidentally got killed one day. Unfortunately before Naruto could escape, they accidentally grabbed the wrong person because Asura passed on his chakra to Naruto so it got confusing.
At least Hashirama isn't here.
"It's an interesting story Isobu." Asura told the turtle.
"Focus!" Kurama yelled. "Anyways, today we will be going over the yearly plan. Sadly, I don't know how to handle paperwork." He said.
Asura raised his hand, "We should hire a bureaucrat." He suggested.
"Are you volunteering?" Kurama asked.
Asura raised his hand again, "Lots of words hurt my head." He said.
Kurama face palmed himself, "Where exactly would I find a bureaucrat?" He asked.
A minute later, a beautiful buxom women in a blue dress with short red hair came in. The reason being that she was putting down a plate of tea for everyone.
"Hey Aria, by chance can you handle sitting in a room all day while working on paperwork?" Kurama asked.
Aria smiled at Kurama, "Kurama-kun, as the Goddess of the Seal. I am a benevolant deity and kind one at that. However I cannot complete your request due to the fact that I have a soul." She explained.
Kurama shook his head, "I'm not asking you to be a lawyer. I'm asking you to be a bureaucrat." He said.
"Oh, the answer is still no. For I wish to keep my soul." Aria said as she sat down by Asura.
"Useless goddess." Kurama muttered.
"What was that?" Aria asked.
"Nothing!" Kurama spoke up.
Isobu turned his oddly shaped head around as he noticed the awkward silence, "I was told there would be anchovies during this meeting." He said.
Back with Naruto and Hera
As Naruto promised, he had more planned for Hera. In reality, he had no idea what to do so he discreetly made several dozen clones to run around and come up with ideas while he was on his picnic date. So they found a concert where they played beautiful crafted music that would make even the gods cry. Or so the advertisement said.
"They say the original progenitor created the humans in his own image. Which leaves me wondering if even gods are imperfect themselves." Hera said.
"I don't know Hera, but let's keep an open mind because some things never stay the same forever." Naruto said as the two patiently awaited for the singers to arrive.
In a matter of moments, two men with unique hairstyles appeared. Then suddenly the music was blasted at full power as if this was the sign of the apocalypse.
"I LIKE SPAGHETTI! I LIKE SPAGHETTI!"
Naruto's eye twitched as he realized he may have screwed up. When he turned his head to face Hera, he found her giggling as she shakes her hips to the music.
"Humans have such strong vocal chords." Hera said complimenting the singer's effort.
Naruto chuckled as he danced alongside Hera as everyone else was too entranced by the unique musical lyrics. Then Naruto had a reason to feel like he screwed up. As it now looked like the apocalypse was in full swing. No doubt it would be Hera who would want to cause the apocalypse by what was happening now.
Because the singers were literally kicked off the stage as Zeus stood on stage. Wearing leather that didn't fit him too well and had a guitar in his hand. The small amount of irony was Zeus was using an acoustic guitar instead of an electric guitar like genre of the concert demanded.
Hera sneered as she saw her ex stand on stage, "What is he doing here?" She asked in a dangerous tone.
"Hera, I think..."
Suddenly Poseidon also appeared beside his brother. Wearing a leather outfit that looked very uncomfortable along with a pair of sunglasses. Most likely to hide the disappointed look on his face from having been dragged into this mess. The crowd only had one reaction to the fact that gods had hijacked their show.
"BOO!" Someone screamed.
Zeus chuckled as he raised his hand, "Yes, Yes, hold your applause. I Zeus and my favorite brother, no offense Hades." He said as if Hades actually cared enough to show up to the concert. "Will now perform music. Music that you humans will love because it was performed by the gods themselves!" He said excitedly as lightning surrounded his body.
The human crowd remained silenced and were actually impressed by the display of power. So they patiently awaited for the allegedly amazing music Zeus and Poseidon could perform. With the strum of his guitar, Zeus lead the song that he personally wrote and convinced Poseidon to take a part of after many late night sessions.
"This goes to my love Hera!" Zeus said as he pointed towards Hera in the crowd.
The goddess immediately slapped a fake mustache on her face, "I'm not the goddess Hera, I'm... Amaterasu." She said.
Everyone turned back to face Zeus, "Whatever! I'll win her back!" He said before singing.
I can't poop in strange places
(Strange places)
I can only poop in my home
It's as though I'm watched by strange faces
(Strangefaces)
It's why I never rome
Everyone was already disgusted by Zeus singing a song about his parcopresis. Even Poseidon looked like he had enough of his brother's stupidity.
"Zeus I want to leave." Poseidon told him.
"What!? Don't leave mid-song!" Zeus told him.
"I do not want to sing along with you about your issues with defecation!" Poseidon said angrily.
"It's almost over! So calm down!" Zeus said making Poseidon groan loudly.
I've left Ares alone with Strangers
(Strangers)
To satisfy my fecal needs
I've put my whole family in danger to poop
Home bowl, home bowl
You know just what I need
Home bowl, home bowl
Everyone started to boo once more and even began to throw things. Poseidon actually started using his guitar as a baseball bat to knock away various projectiles aimed for him. Zeus just laughed it away thinking everyone wanted more. Only to frown as Poseidon left without another word. Leaving Zeus alone on stage to come up with another song to calm down the masses.
"This is to all your ninjas in your village!" Zeus said with another strum of the guitar.
Everyone calmed down yet again expecting a good song to play this time.
I love drinking and race cars and big old fat women
And Izanagi is awesome
He rose on Thanksgiving
Someone got mad and stood closer to the stage, "Don't you talk about Izanagi-sama!" He yelled.
I eat Funyuns and tater tots
I shoot squirrels with my guuuuuun~
CRACK*
Zeus winced as he felt someone throw a bottle of sake at his head, "You! I saw you!" He yelled before the crowd threw more garbage.
Eventually they had enough and some dark haired woman in a white outfit lifted Zeus and threw him off the stage. The All Father of Mount Olympus received so much negative criticism, everyone moved away as he crashed onto the ground. Making him another victim of a stage dive fail. Although, everyone looked happier to see the woman on stage as her sisters appeared.
"Ladies and gentlemen of Konoha! I am Brunhilde, and we are the Valkyries!" Brunhilde exclaims as fireworks go off around her.
Zeus looked up with great surprise to see everyone being more excited to see those valkyries instead of him. He quickly stood up to look for Hera only to see that she was gone.
"Damn, where is she now?" Zeus asked as he stroked his long beard.
Outside of Naruto's house
Shizune stood outside out of the address she was given. Shizune was sent by Tsunade to look for Naruto and request his report from the mission in the Land of Demons. Even if it was considered a farce due to the Priestess having committed a crime without realizing it. Though they still got compensated and needed an after action report. So when she personally went to visit her surrogate little brother, she was shocked to hear he got a home on the farther side of the village.
Shizune had to be honest, the neighborhood was small and quiet. Yet the house was nice and in great condition. As she looked at the address again, she confirmed that this was Naruto's new home.
"I wonder how well he's been keeping it." Shizune said as she ringed the doorbell.
"Oh boy! I bet it's the anchovies!" Said a voice inside.
Once the door opened, Shizune was met with some kind of chibi turtle creature wearing Groucho glasses. Leaving her in an awkward position as she just stared at it in confusion.
"Where's my anchovies?" Isobu asked.
"Ahh…" Shizune wasn't sure how to respond.
Inside the house
Kurama sighed as he finished his presentation, "And that is how money is meant to be handled Asura." he said.
"Ooooh." Asura said as he scratched his head.
"That probably explains why Indra kept returning my wallet with less and less many every time." Asura said as Aria sweat dropped.
"Asura, I think you should have realized that Indra is like his Uchiha descendants. THEY ARE NOTHING BUT A GROUP OF DIRTY THIEVES AND LIARS! WITH THE TALENT AND SKILL EQUIVALENT TO A DRUNK WALRUS!" Kurama screamed angrily.
"He's a nice guy." Indra said trying to defend his brother.
Everyone gave him questioning looks, "Asura, he created the Curse of Hatred because some plant man told him to." Aria said.
Asura looked nervous, "He's adopted." he lied.
That's when Isobu arrived with Shizune, "This lady was outside our door and she did not bring my anchovies." he said as Kurama scrambled to put on his Groucho glasses.
"Is she the bureaucrat we're looking for?" Kurama asked.
"I…" Shizune tried to say.
"I think so. She looks like she enjoys sitting down and doing nothing but paperwork." Isobu said.
"You mean, hand over paperwork right? Like a secretary?" Shizune asked.
"Hell no! The bureaucrat handles all the paperwork without caring if their life loses meaning by sitting there all day until death." Kurama explained as Shizune paled.
"Welcome aboard bureaucrat!" Asura said as he shook Shizune's hand.
"I never signed up for this!" Shizune exclaimed.
With Naruto and Hera
Naruto looked at the street sign leading to a cluttered messy and seemingly shady spot. Despite Hera's objections, he managed to get her to follow him. Revealing a secret part of Konoha that looked like something out of a latin fairy tale. Heck, even some of the people were speaking another language. Fortunately for Hera, her goddess status let her understand humans regardless of the language barrier for some reason and vice versa.
"How exotic, now I know how Quetzalcoatl lives." Hera said she was mesmerized by the culture.
"Silly Hera, we're dominantly Catholic." Naruto said.
As the two started exploring. Neither noticed Hinata had started following them. As she immediately got concerned once she saw her crush with an older woman. Seeing the glimpse of the secret part of the village. Hinata ran to tell someone, most likely her sensei or teammates to ask for advice.
A little while later
Naruto stopped with Hera in front of a small house where a man with a straw hat sat outside drinking a bottle of water. From the look of his attire and condition, it was safe to assume he had been working outside all day. Most likely exhausted and just wanting to relax from a hard day's work.
"Tio." Naruto calls out.
"Eh?" the man looks around before noticing Naruto. The man sits up and squints his eyes, "Sobrino?" he asked.
"I'm home." Naruto replied.
The man stood up and grabbed Naruto by the shoulders before patting him on the back, "Hey, what took you long? Are you so famous your forget the familia!? You know your abuelita is always asking about you!" he exclaimed.
"Tio, we're not alone." Naruto said as he gestured to Hera who looked confused.
"Lo siento senora, my registered name is Gin Namikaze." Gin said as he wiped his hand clean with a rag to shake Hera's hand.
To best explain Gin's name when he said registered. It's best to start at the beginning, despite Hashirama's futile attempt to create peace by making hidden villages. All it did was get a bunch of clans to work under a single banner against others with the same idea. Making it worse because Hashirama thought giving away the most powerful creatures in the world would be as a sign of peace. Like giving away guns to small children and now they don't want to give those guns back.
Anyways, the village has been shitty since the beginning. To where new clans would often have their names changed. You wouldn't even want to know what the Hyuga used to be called over 60 years ago. Though unlike the Hyuga, the Namikaze clan pushed for the registered name act. Meaning that while they refuse to accept name changes to fit into the culture of Konoha. They could also keep their legal names for more important documents and it did help with identity theft despite needing two sets of IDs.
Though it was a weirder story as to how Naruto found out about his extended family in this side of the village. However, that would be a tale for another day. Today, Hera would get to see Naruto's legal name that he was given at birth that he didn't know about until he was 8. To be fair, even he had difficulty being able to pronounce it back then.
Luckily Gin was there to say it out loud, "Everyone, guess who's here! It's Nemesio Uriah Olas Vento!" he said outloud just as the many cousins, aunts and uncles came out to greet Naruto.
Most importantly, came the grandparents. They weren't clan heads but some of the most respected people in town. Touma and Kaede Namikaze as the village would refer to them if seen in public. Their real names or Ernesto "El Hierro" Olas Vento and Catalina Olas Vento.
"Basta! What's going on?" Don Ernesto asked.
Naruto waved his hand nervously, "Hola abuelo, abuela." he said shocking his grandparents.
"Nemesio." Catalina said with a gasp.
Then suddenly Don Ernesto drop kicked his grandson, "Como estas Naruto!?" he asked.
Naruto managed to stand still despite the heavy blow, "I was good… until you decided to drop kick me." he said holding his gut.
Catalina hit her husband on the head with a cane, "Menso, our grandson hasn't seen us since his training trip and you decided to attack him!? Not only that, but he brought a beautiful woman too!" she said with her hands on her hips.
Don Ernesto chuckled as he rubbed the lump on his head, "Jaja, I wanted to test his manhood amor." he said.
Catalina raised her cane at him again, "That is not a good excuse Ernesto!" she yelled. However she briefly moved her head to the side, "Although Minato was a bit girly. Kushina was the real man in the marriage." she said mocking her deceased son. "Speaking of which, who his this hermosa?" she asked.
Hera grinned, "Hera of Olympia madame." she said as she gave Naruto her hand.
Naruto in turn held it up to reveal a beautiful ring, "And my fiance. Mi vida." he said making some of the females smile with glee while the men patted him on the back.
"Time for a celebration, vatos!" Gin shouted.
Later that night, Tsunade's office
"Where is Shizune with that paper work?" Tsunade asked with a sigh.
Suddenly the rookies and Team Guy arrived along with Sai, "Tsunade-sama! Naruto-kun is with an older woman and heading to a new part of town!" Hinata yelled.
Tsunade just stared at Hinata with a blank expression, "Hinata while I do care about Naruto no matter how much he annoys me. Unless he's in mortal danger, I don't have the right to meddle in private affairs." she replied before going back to… drinking apparently.
Not to mock the sannin, but without Shizune. It appears that Tsunade has lost her source of paperwork apparently. So now she was free to drink as she wished until the paperwork or catastrophic level danger was on the way.
"But he could be in danger!" Sakura added in agreement with Hinata.
Tsunade sighed, "And if we were to see what Naruto was up to and nothing is wrong. What exactly do you want me to do about it?" she asked.
Everyone was silenced, many of them realized the Hokage had a good point. Sai who was the newest spoke up next.
"Yes, why exactly should we be concerned with Naruto? I'm not saying this to be rude, at the moment. However, it's not like he's popping into your lives." Sai said.
"He broke into my compound to spy on Akamaru!" Kiba exclaimed.
"Kiba that was filler. Nobody remembers filler. Do you remember that ninja ostrich?" Tsunade asked.
Everyone did remember the ostrich, but no one ever wanted to think about it.
"Also Hinata, why are you always concerned with Naruto?" TenTen asked as she wasn't in her class.
Hinata turned bright red, "W-Well y-you s-s-see…"
50 minutes, 7 bottles of sake, 8 chip bags and an extended period of napping while standing up
Followed by Hinata often clamming up during her stuttering
Shikamaru stirred away having heard Choji loudly throw away another empty bag of chips. He looked around in confusion to see some of the shinobi in the room look somewhat surprised and even giddy.
"Hinata! That is so romantic!" Ino said hugging the shy Hyuga.
Sakura sighed, "And that idiot doesn't realize it yet." she said.
"What happened?" Shikamaru asked.
Before Choji answered, Tsunade spoke up, "What happened was you didn't need to sit through a painful session of stuttering. I may be drunk, but I realized something important today about Naruto and Hinata." She said.
Hinata put on a brave face as Ino and Sakura smiled. Only for TenTen to beat Tsunade to it.
"Hinata has an obsession and Naruto already had his violation of privacy invaded?" TenTen asked.
"Exactly." Tsunade said.
"Shisho! Hinata just poured her heart out!" Sakura exclaimed.
Tsunade rubbed her temples as the headache started kicking in, "Sakura, aside from the ointment. I have not heard one romantic thing and I was almost married at one point." she replied dryly. "Also I still fail to see the issue of Naruto hanging around an older woman by what? A couple years? It's better than some 50 year old cougar." she said.
"Hinata! Naruto is in danger and Tsunade-sama is too drunk to help! We gotta save Naruto guys!" Sakura yelled as the girls minus TenTen left.
"The passion of one's love is very youthful, however I am not one to encourage obsessive stalking." Lee spoke up for the first time.
"I think Neji already left." Shikamaru pointed out.
Either to stop the girls or because he stopped caring so long ago, he decided to walk out and leave.
"Guys, I'm not encouraging anything. I think we should go look for Naruto, only for the sake of him not filing a restraining order." Choji suggested as the men minus Kiba nodded.
The Inuzuka leaving to go help the girls for some reason. Tsunade sighed as she stood up just to meet the woman. Just to make sure everything is alright. However, just as the men left and Tsunade prepared to leave herself. Jiraiya popped in through the window.
"Hime wait!" Jiraiya said grabbing Tsunade's attention. "Before you say anything, I was listening in. But let me say this, that side of town… those kids are gonna die." he said.
"Excuse me?" Tsunade asked.
"The Olas Ventos family live there and they don't take kindly to certain groups of people." Jiraiya answered nervously.
"Who and what are they?" Tsunade demanded.
"…They're Minato's family." Jiraiya said earning a surprised expression. "Also the kid knows about his parentage." he said earning a more shocked look. "To be fair, this fault is on us. Since I conviently forgot that the Raikage would rather let the Hachibi destroy Kumo than to face Don Ernesto." he said finishing his revelation.
Meanwhile outside of Konoha
As per orders, Kakazu and Hidan otherwise known as the Zombie Duo were told to capture Naruto so they could extract Kurama. Unaware that most of the fox was free to leave at will. Regardless the fox doesn't like the idea either way. The two Akatasuki members continued to make their way through the forests outside of the village when they were stopped by a strange individual with a dark Luchadores mask with a cloak covering his body… he was also standing on top of a horse.
"Akatsuki, dangerous criminals working for equally dangerous criminals. For reasons I've yet to fathom." the man said.
"That's us, who the *bleep* are you?" Hidan asked as he got his scythe ready.
The man removed his cloak revealing a very boney body. Kakazu was sure that he's raided tombs where the ancient bodies were as equally as boney as this man. However that didn't make him any less cautious around the man.
"I… am… El Nacho."
(The Mask of Zorro OST - Zorro's Theme)
Kakazu immediately tried to pull Hidan away, "Hidan, this man is very dangerous! Don't let the fact that he looks like a starving child fool you!" he exclaimed.
"WHAT!? I'll send his ass to Jashin-sama!" Hidan yelled as he dashed for the man.
However in a split second, Hidan was suddenly under the horse with El Nacho still standing on top of it. Showing off his "glorious" body to the world. It's a good thing he wasn't naked but at the same time he was wearing spandex as if he really is a Luchadore.
"As I said, I am El Nacho." he said as Hidan was slowly being crushed by the horse.
Kakazu tried to back away, when suddenly another horse appeared and landed on him next. Breaking three of his masks in the process without the man even having a chance to use them.
"He's more dangerous than I've heard." Kakazu said.
"You will not obtain the jinchuriki you bastardos." El Nacho said.
"I thought you said you had no idea what our purpose is." Kakazu said.
El Nacho remained silent for a moment, "I am El Nacho, you killed my father. Prepare to die." he said.
"Someone get this freak and his stupid ass horse off of me!" Hidan screamed.
"El Nacho took the cake and ate it too!" El Nacho said.
"Who the hell is this guy!?" Hidan asked now feeling very confused.
"He just said…"
"I am El Nacho and you are a bad listener." El Nacho responded as the horses refused to move.
Hidan grew a tick mark on his head, "Listen you little…"
SNAP*
The moment El Nacho made a snapping sound with his neck. The horses went wide eyed and started stumping their hooves on the Zombie Duo. Good thing they were allegedly immortal as they wouldn't die but would have to spend the rest of their lives in therapy for their shattered spines.
"El Nacho, does not support cursing." El Nacho said.
"Screw you!" Hidan yelled.
SNAP*
"AHHHH!" both immortals screamed in pain as the horses started stomping in place again.
"El Nacho does not tolerate disrespectful behavior." El Nacho said ignoring the screams filled with painful agony.
Back at the Namikaze party
Hera couldn't help but to enjoy the little festivities that the Namikaze, or rather the Olas Ventos, were creating. They were more energetic than the humans below Mount Olympus and filled the tables with various foods and alcoholic beverages that aren't normally seen by the Greek or the Asian style within most of Konoha. Although the family does leave their side of the village often, it appears that they prefer their own little mini culture.
"Enjoying yourself Hera?" Naruto asked as he wrapped an arm around Hera's waist.
Hera giggled, "I think I'm getting a bit exhausted. So much dancing and partying." She said as she hugged her husband-to-be. "Don't get me started on all the gossiping and the conversations. Abuelita, as you call her, never seizes to entertain me." She added.
"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself Hera. I was afraid my family wouldbe a bit too much." Naruto said.
Hera gave her a smirk, "Naruto, have I ever told you where Aphrodite came from?" She asked.
"The goddess who allures men with her pretty face?" Naruto asked.
Hera nodded as she leaned close to his ear and whispered, "Aphrodite is actually Ouranos's..."
Naruto's face switched from entertained to disturbed in a split second, "Remind me to put a bag over her head if I see her." He said.
Hera giggled, "The thing I love about this place is not everyone is a freak or a psychopath." She said.
Naruto scratched his head nervously, "Well there's one guy but... we don't talk about Bruno." He said fearfully.
Then three women came out, "We don't talk about Bruno-no-no-no..."
"Girls, we don't have the money for a lawsuit." Naruto interrupted causing the women to disperse. "Anyways, let's enjoy ourselves. You never know when the days go bad again." He said.
Hera smiled before embracing Naruto, "Always optimistic and genuinely kindhearted." She whispered.
Naruto chuckled, "And you are my one and only queen. That is, if you really want me as your consort." he whispered back.
"No, be my king. My real king." Hera said before giving him a chaste kiss.
Both kissed for a solid minute before breaking it up and dancing together at the center with everyone else. Meanwhile Zeus was glaring at the couple. He rolled up his sleeves, as he still didn't take off the leather outfit, and attempted to march over to them and take Hera by force. Only to feel a hand grab him by the shoulder.
"Zeus, how have you been compadre?" Zeus shivered as he slowly turned his head to meet Quetzalcoatl's bright smile.
"C-Coco?" Zeus asked.
"Zeus, you know you are always welcome around my followers. The only catch is the poll tax for crossing boundaries remember?" Quetzalcoatl asked, her smile never leaving her face.
Zeus nodded nervously.
"So please tell me. Where's my money?" Quetzalcoatl asked.
"Um I… uh… you see… money is the root of all evil so. You know?" Zeus answered nervously.
The cheerful goddess laughed at his reaction, "You are such a jokester Zeus. But really, where is it?" she asked now sounding a bit aggressive.
Zeus took a deep breath and composed himself, "I'm sure we have another way to pay off the debt." he said flexing his muscles.
For some reason thinking he could pay her off with free sex. Although that was Zeus just trying to score another woman in bed with him. Likely getting another bastard child he will likely ignore or forget.
Quetzalcoatl smiled, "Yes we do. Though there is a side fee for it." she said as her teeth were suddenly sharpened. "You can pay me back by urinating blood, pendijo!" she said.
Zeus tried to run only to find a woman in a tiger costume hold him in place, "Please Coco! I'll pay you back! I swear!" he pleaded.
Queatzalcoatl ignored him as she cracked her knuckles and neck, "This is also payment for that raven you tried to have sex with." she added.
From then on, the locals could only hear Zeus screaming and begging for the Aztec goddess to stop hurting him. For some reason Hera got excited.
"What is the name of this music? Could someone turn it up?" Hera asked.
"AHHHH! NOT THERE! ANYWHERE BUT THERE! THAT'S HOW APHRODITE WAS BORN! AHHHHHHH!" Zeus screamed as the sound of flesh being ripped off was heard.
Hera nuzzled her head into Naruto's chest, "This it it. This will be our wedding song." she said as the screams did not seize until at least for another hour.
And thus was the introduction of the Shinobi Guy's Story.
How will Hera and Naruto's wedding go?
Will the girls of the Rookie 9 realize that they can't force Naruto to love Hinata?
Will Shizune escape her divine punishment of doing nothing but paperwork?
Will Kurama's business actually be successful?
Who is El Nacho?
Will Seven Deadly Sins Part 2 be updated?
Find out next time on… Shinobi Guy!
Theme Tune Plays:
It seems today that all you see
Are disgusting harem stories and lemons you don't want to see
But where are those good old writing values?
On which we used to rely!?
Lucky there's a Shinobi Guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us…
NOT REGRET THE EXISTENCE OF HUMANITY
He's
Our
Shinobi Guy!
NOTES
This may sound weird, but here are the versions of the gods.
Greek: Blood of Zeus
Aztec: FGO
Norse: Marvel Comics
Also if you guys don't like Hera as a pairing. I can change the story a bit and add a poll of who you would rather see if this continues in the future. Since I'm doing the Total Drama idea first.