The next day Jay lies in his hospital bed on his side, the one without the bruised rib, which is the position he determined through trial and error made things marginally easier to manage. Not that he was managing. He had continued to decline. The nebulizer mask over his face was administering medications which he was confident were the only reason he was still breathing at all. The breathing on its own was bearable, but he wouldn't call it easy. It felt like he was breathing enough for moderate exercise, except he wasn't moving at all. Well, apart from the shaking. He could no longer tell if the shaking was shivering from the fever, or a side effect of the breathing medication. He felt a cough coming, and willed it to go away, but he knew it was pointless. His whole body shook as he coughed, pain shooting through the bruised rib, muscles crying out from overuse, air now competing for right of way. Thankfully it stopped after only three. That made it one of the smaller ones. He took some gasping breaths, making up for the lost airflow before he went back to breathing normally. This wasn't fair. He was in the hospital this time, but he was still stuck playing the waiting game of endurance. Fighting with his body, fighting with the air. He didn't want to do this again. He glances up at Zane, who is sitting on the chair beside him, looking at the monitor which was showing Jay's heart rate and oxygenation levels. "I want Cole.." says Jay weakly. He was thankful that Zane had stayed with him all this time, but he needed someone a bit more human right now.
Zane looks down at him. "Of course, I will go get him."
Zane leaves the room and less than a minute later Cole comes walking in. Jay had suspected he was waiting somewhere in the hospital, getting fed up at Jay's constant refusal of visitors. He comes over to the side where Jay can see him, pulling over the chair so he can sit closer to the bed. "What's up buddy? You wanted me?" asks Cole gently. He is taken aback by how rough Jay looks, sweat on his forehead, lines under his eyes, the way he is lying perfectly still, and didn't waste any energy looking over at Cole as he entered the room. If Cole had realised how bad it was, he would have pushed his way in sooner; but from what Zane had been telling him things were under control.
Jay takes a few strained breaths while looking up at Cole with hollow haunted eyes. "Am I going to die?" Asks Jay quietly.
Cole blinks, getting deja vu from when he was washing Jay's hair. He reaches out, taking Jay's hand, (the one without the cannula) and squeezes it reassuringly. "No, no, of course not. You're in the hospital, the doctors are looking after you."
Jay clutches desperately at Cole's hand and starts crying, small snivelling sobs, which trigger another coughing fit. Cole leans over, rubbing his back, not sure what else to do. "There there, I got you."
Once the coughing fit passes Jay gasps between sobs, "I can't.. I just.. I can't do it.. Cole, I can't.."
"Can't what?" Asks Cole, still squeezing Jay's hand.
"I want to stop.. It hurts.. I'm tired.. Please.. I want to stop." The crying isn't helping his breathing, but Jay is beyond caring.
Cole reaches out with his free hand and presses the call button three times.
"Jay, I hear you ok, you're tired, it hurts, I'm going to get you some help with that ok? But you can't stop, not yet. You need to keep breathing, you need to keep fighting. Just a little bit longer."
"I can't.. It doesn't end.."
"You can, I know you can, you're the strongest person I know. Look, I know I'm not Nya, but I need you to do this for me. I need you to just keep breathing."
A nurse walks into the room, before she has a chance to speak Cole is yelling, "You need to do something for him! Can't you see how much pain he's in, can't you see how exhausted he is?"
The nurse glances between the sobbing Jay, and now faltering readouts and says "I'll get the doctor." before running out.
Cole stands there trembling in fear and anger. Jay is no longer talking, but he does continue to breathe, tears running down his face. Thankfully it is only about 20 seconds before the doctor and nurse come running back into the room. The doctor examines the display, pressing buttons to look at the history. "How long have these stats been dropping?" she asks the nurse.
"It only just started, they were holding in the high 80s for the last three hours." says the nurse.
"Jay, how are you feeling?" says the doctor, leaning over the bed to look Jay in the eyes. Jay is still sobbing, staring blankly ahead, not looking at the doctor.
"He's exhausted!" says Cole forcefully. "You need to help him!"
"I was hoping not to have to do this," says the doctor with a sigh, "Jay, how would you like it if we gave your body a rest? We'd put a tube down your throat and have a machine help you breathe for a while."
Cole is horrified, "Can't you just give him more meds or something?" He asks.
"I can stop?" asks Jay weakly with a small spark of hope.
"Yes," says the doctor to Jay, "we would sedate you so you are not fighting with the machine." Jay's eyes glaze over, and the monitor starts beeping incessantly. His sobs cease and the hand Cole is holding goes limp.
Cole's eyes go wide in horror. "Jay? Jay!"
"Ok, I guess we're doing this now." says the doctor calmly before pressing a button on the wall. "Code blue." she says before coming back over to Jay. "You need to leave." she says to Cole, while rolling Jay onto his back, removing his pillow and lowering the bed so it is perfectly flat.
"I'm not leaving him." says Cole with determination.
"Ok, but you stay out of the way, and you don't say a word."
Cole nods, moving the chair back into the corner of the room and taking a step back.
The room becomes a flurry of activity, two more medical personnel come in with a cart. The doctor is gloved, and given an intubation kit which she expertly slides into Jay's throat on the first attempt. A bag is attached which a nurse starts squeezing, shortly after the monitor stops beeping, with the O2 levels getting back into the normal range. The doctor gives a small sigh before turning to Cole and saying. "We're going to take him to the ICU and get him connected to a proper ventilator."
Cole looks at Jay's now limp body. Chest rising and falling in time with the bag. "Did he, did he stop breathing?" He gasps, voice cracking.
"Only for a moment, there will be no lasting damage." assures the doctor. "I didn't realise how exhausted he was, otherwise I might have suggested this sooner."
"He's had a lot of practice," says Cole glumly, "at breathing when it's hard."
He watches them wheel his friend out of the room, and then collapses into the chair, now the only one left in the strangely quiet room. Tears form in his eyes as he remembers Jay telling him in the kitchen 'You have no idea how close I was to giving up'. Last time he couldn't speak, couldn't tell them. "Ninja never quit." Cole mutters between sobs. A fresh wave of guilt washes over him, how could they have left him struggling on that couch for so long? How he could he have left Jay on that cliff for so long? He promised next time would be better, next time he would get help faster, so why did it still feel like he was too late?
He had been building a wall in his mind, trying to convince himself this was different to what had happened with his mother.
'Am I going to die?' Those words had shaken the wall and it now came tumbling down. He rode the wave of memories, seeing her get sicker, seeing her bed ridden, seeing her lifeless body as his father dragged him screaming from the room.
He couldn't do this again. They had only just lost Nya, her loss still weighed heavily on his mind. But at least she had gone quickly, at least there was hope she still may return. He couldn't lose Jay too, not like this. Please, not like this!
Zane comes back into the room and says, "There was a commotion, where is Jay?"
Cole is now openly crying, struggling to find the words to answer. Zane walks over to him, putting hands on his shoulders. "Cole, where is Jay?" He sounds concerned.
Realising it probably looks like Jay is dead, Cole forces himself to say something. "They took him to the ICU.. They had to intubate him.. He stopped breathing."
"That is unfortunate." says Zane calmly, removing his hands.
"Unfortunate?" says Cole with a scowl.
"Yes, it means the other treatments were not effective."
Cole stares at him for a moment. "Didn't you hear me, he stopped breathing!"
"Yes, I heard you. And you said he was intubated successfully. There is no need for alarm."
Cole now understands why Jay had asked for him. Something was wrong with Zane, his compassion must be broken or something.
"How could you sit there watching him struggle like that for hours and not do anything?" snaps Cole.
"He was achieving the necessary oxygenation levels." replies Zane calmly.
"He was in so much pain, he was ready to give up!"
"He did not tell me."
"Well, you should have noticed!" adds Cole angrily before storming out of the room. He needed to find the ICU. He needed to get away from Zane, before he did something he would regret.
Once at the ICU the doctor tells Cole about the risks of ventilation. "It can have some pretty serious side effects, which is why we only use it as a last resort. If he stays ventilated too long, his muscles will start to weaken, and there could be cognitive impairment. Mortality rates also go up significantly when ventilation is required."
"You're saying he could die?" asks Cole. Just like my mother.
"I'm saying, he is getting the care he needs, and we will do everything we can to stop that from happening." Cole nods, somewhat comforted. "The antibiotics aren't working as quickly as we were hoping, I have ordered some more blood work, we may need to add another type.. We have to treat the underlying infection before he has any chance of coming off the ventilator."
"How long will that take?"
"Can't say for sure, ventilation for pneumonia normally lasts 3-6 days, but he is an asthmatic, so it could be a little longer."
Cole glances over at Jay through the window, he looks so still and lifeless. "Is he in pain?"
"Ventilation can be uncomfortable, so we will keep him sedated, and he has a constant dose of painkillers in his IV along with the other meds."
Cole nods, "So he's out cold? He can't hear us?"
"He is sedated, which keeps him relaxed and in an altered mental state. Many patients report being somewhat aware of their surroundings while sedated. He likely won't understand what you are saying, and won't remember most of it when he wakes up, but the sound of familiar voices can be comforting." She puts a hand on Cole's shoulder for comfort. "Don't give up on him just yet, he's strong."
Cole organises a roster of people to sit with Jay during visiting hours. Himself of course, Jay's parents, Kai, Lloyd, and even Zane is reluctantly included. They talk to him, read him Starfarer comics. Tell him about their new jobs, tell him to keep fighting.
Lloyd bumps into Cole on his way out of the ICU.
"Hey, um, thanks for coming." Says Cole awkwardly. Jay had told him when they next saw Lloyd they needed to be supportive of his new job. This wasn't exactly the reunion Cole had been expecting.
"I thought this would be easier." Says Lloyd with a sigh. "If something happened when I wasn't in charge, when I wasn't around.. Why do I still feel like I've let him down?"
Cole sighs and turns to face the direction that Jay is in. If more people were at the monastery that day, they may have gotten to him sooner, but he may have ended up here anyway. "There is no changing the past." Says Cole, surprised to hear himself repeating Zane's words. "Also, there's no way he would blame you for this."
"I know, but I still feel like crap." Says Lloyd, it was probably just the fluorescent lighting, but Lloyd's green eyes briefly flicker purple.
"Yeah, me too." says Cole. Leaning on the wall, crossing his arms, holding himself in a pathetic attempt to self-sooth.
Lloyd looks at him, the dark lines under his eyes, messy hair, dishevelled clothes. "Dude, when was the last time you went home?"
Cole blinks, unable to answer. The past few days felt like one big blur.
"That long?" says Lloyd with a sigh. "Here." He flings a set of keys at Cole. "My apartment is closer than the monastery. I need to go to work, but if you need somewhere to clean up and take a nap.."
Cole had managed to catch the keys, which he thinks is a good indication that he doesn't need a nap. But he knows Lloyd is right, he doesn't need to be here 24/7, Jay likely wouldn't even realise he was gone. "Thanks." He says to Lloyd. "Maybe in a bit." Honestly he was just trying to avoid them walking out together, having to choose between awkward silence, or filling the gap with meaningless conversation. He didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.
Lloyd gives a nod of approval. "I'll text you the address." He says, before making his way down the hall.