Canon divergent early s9: April explains her religious guilt to Jackson, without shaming him/freaking out.
Its hard - getting him to understand what's going on inside her head. She knows that her post-coital freak-outs never actually help the situation, and only seem to make him more confused and hurt as to why she keeps wanting to have sex with him in the first place, so for once, she's trying to explain how she feels without the use of metaphors. As he sits at the front desk next to her, she lets out a breath to compose herself, not wanting to get this wrong.
"You know how, when you're a kid, your parents will give you these rules to follow or tell you to do something? Like, you've gotta eat your vegetables and do your homework, or don't skip school and be kind to others?"
"I mean, my mom wasn't around as much as your parents probably were, so sometimes it was the nanny telling me that stuff, but yeah."
"Well...that was kind of what church was like too. There were all these rules we were taught to follow based on the pastor's interpretation of the bible, and you're kind of told what is considered right or wrong. No sex before marriage, being gay is a sin, don't get divorced, be conservative...stuff like that, and when you're in a small town and everyone believes the same things...its like, you're not taught how to think for yourself or think about how your beliefs might differ, you know? so I just thought...I won't have sex until I'm married, because the church says its wrong, and I want it to be special, and I guess...I didn't think that I was missing out on anything because guys weren't interested in me anyway."
There's silence for a moment, and he wonders what he's supposed to say to that. He's never had all these rules to follow in the way that she has, as he was never raised to believe in a higher power, and didn't feel as though he'd missed out on anything by not having that. If anything, he was grateful to not have any guilt or shame to unpack, as he hated knowing that April was beating herself up about what they'd done when he didn't regret it one bit...but he also likes to think he knows April, and knows that she doesn't fit the conservative, old-fashioned mould that she was raised to fit. She's a good person: kind-hearted, accepting of everyone, a believer in science and logic, and someone who deserves to know that.
"Okay...but April, you don't have to believe these things just because it's what you were told. I don't pretend to know anything about church or God, because I don't believe in any of that, but you can still have faith and be your own person, right? It doesn't have to be so by-the-book. From what you're telling me...I know you're not like that. You don't believe all that other stuff, so why be hung up on this?"
"I know...I know that now. Thats what I'm saying," She explains, making eye contact with him as she shifts awkwardly in her seat, "I meant it when I said that...that I loved having sex with you, and yeah, at first I was upset because I thought...well, now I'm not going to be a virgin for my future husband, but then I realised...if someone is mad or upset that I'm no longer a virgin, or shames me for it, then thats on them. I don't think Arizona and Callie are going to hell for being gay, or Owen for cheating and getting a divorce, so I shouldn't be shaming myself, either. It's okay to grow...and I really am sorry that I made you feel guilty for sleeping with me. Thats not what I want."
"Its okay, I get it now." Her freak-outs may have hurt him at the time, but hearing her explain her feelings like this means a lot, and he's starting to understand her faith more (even if he's not sure he'll ever understand what its like to believe in that way). "So...does that mean you're okay with sex before marriage now? You're really okay with your decision?" He needs to be sure, because he still doesn't regret it, and he needs to know that she won't, either.
"I mean, I'm not saying that I've suddenly unpacked years worth of guilt overnight, but...yeah, I think I at least want to be. I uhm, would really like to keep having sex with you-I mean, uh, if you want to that is, if not its okay, I know you'd probably prefer something less complicated and-"
He cuts her adorable rambling off with a gentle kiss, which shocks her a little when her eyes flutter open again and she sees him looking at her adoringly whilst tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I'd really like to keep having sex with you too, but how about I take you on a date first?"
"A date? Really?"
Her voice jumps an octave, almost like she's shocked by the proposition, and it makes him realise that they've never really defined what all of this meant. He hates to think that she thought that maybe this was just sex for him - that they were friends with occasional benefits and nothing more. He would never use her like that.
"Yes, April, a date. You know that this isn't just sex for me, right? I have feelings for you, a lot of feelings, so I want to do this right."
"Okay, yeah! I'd love to go on a date with you, and I do too. Uhm, have feelings. For you, I mean." She feels so giddy that she finds herself stumbling over her words, but the look on his face tells her that he doesn't mind. If anything, he finds it endearing.
"Great. How about I pick you up tomorrow at seven?"
"Seven sounds great."
They kiss again, and he manages to pull her off of her own chair into his lap for better access, causing her to giggle. She's not sure how long they're remain like that for, getting lost in each other, until the sounds of their co-workers manage to startle them and force them to stop.
"Ugh, gross. Get a room. Preferably one with a lock. Some of us are trying to work here," Alex grumbles, practically slamming his charting down on the counter.
"Damn, sex really changed you Kepner. Clearly still can't get enough of that Jackson action, huh?"
Jackson is about to jump in to defend her, when April surprises him by sticking up for herself, "Actually, Jackson and I are going on a date tomorrow, and I don't care who knows it, or how much crap you give me for it. I'm happy, so you guys can suck it."
He can't help but feel proud of her as he adds, "What she said."
There's a pause for a moment, before Cristina can't help herself from making an inappropriate comment, "Oh, I think you'll be one sucking it, if you know how."
Alex lets out a scoff, before shutting his chart and mumbling, "Jeez, Yang. I'm outta here."
As Cristina lets out a loud laugh, she finds herself wandering off to find Meredith (because of course, she had to be the first person to tell her about this new recent development). Jackson's pager goes off shortly after, causing him to sigh, but April encourages him to go anyway, remembering that she has some notes she needs to type up on the computer anyway.
They both couldn't help but smile as they got back to their work day, finally feeling at ease now that they had some clarity, and feeling excited as to what was to come.