Whaaaaat? I didn't disappear for another 12 years! Praise be! xD
Let me tell you: this chapter was ROUGH to write. I've dreaded it ever since I wrote the outline for it in 2012.
We dig a little deeper into Helga's psyche in this chapter. Our girl has got some deep-rooted issues!
SEND IN THE CLOWN! AKA: Big Bob Pataki.
Helga's POV:
It took a lot of convincing, but I finally got Arnold to agree to let me go see Louis on my own. After hearing just how much pressure he's been feeling, I knew that he needed a break from everything. My poor, sweet Arnold! It broke my heart to see him so full of doubt. I wish I could make all his worries go away. Life has an uncanny way of kicking us when we're down. All I can do is be there to support him, the same way he's always supported me. But for now, I needed to talk with Louis. His phone call was a jumble of words equating to "Danny. Denial. Paternity test." I understood his words enough to gather that Danny had been informed about the affair, and that he didn't believe Louis could possibly be the father. I needed to get a fuller picture. Quite frankly, I was expecting bloodshed at the scene. After all these years of spending my free time with a bunch of frat dudes, I've learned that nothing makes the boys act more animalistic than the whole 'My woman! NO TOUCH!' bullshit.
As I approached the frat house, I was relieved that there weren't any campus police officers or cop cars out front. That's one good sign. But I did see Liz sitting on the front steps, alone, with her face in her hands. Shit… I'm not adept at dealing with other women on a good day, let alone a pregnant one who's undoubtedly having a very shitty day. A part of me wished I could just, ya know… sneak by her, but that would probably be considered 'cruel'. I could hear Arnold's voice in my head saying, 'Talk to her.'
Dammit football head! You beautiful, kindhearted bastard.
"Hey, Liz." Ugggggggh.
She lifted her head, startled by my presence. Her eyes were rimmed with red, but she hadn't been crying now. Thank God. "Helga? What are you- Ah… I guess Louis called you." She moved over on the step, clearing a path for me. "He's inside, if you're wanting to talk to him."
"Thanks." I went up the steps, reaching for the door handle. 'Talk to her, Helga.' Why must my inner voice be Arnold of all people? I turned back around, tentatively walking back to where she was sitting. "Are you okay?"
"I have to be." She never took her gaze off the cobblestone pathway that led to the sidewalk, almost as if in a trance. "Our actions always catch up with us. I've accepted the results, no matter how unpleasant they may be."
"Unpleasant? You mean the baby?" I inhaled sharply, realizing I've already said something insulting less than a minute into our conversation.
She glanced over her shoulder at me, eyebrow raised. "Absolutely not. It's not the baby's fault." There was a long pause. "I meant… The damage that's been done to others, because of something I did."
Everything in my brain was telling me to drop the conversation and go talk to Louis, but, against my better judgement, I plopped down next to her on the step. "Look… I'm not going to pretend that I understand the nuances of your relationship with those two, but… It seems like there's a lot more going on behind the scenes than any of us could ever understand. Neither Louis nor Danny ever told us about your previous relationship with Lou. I don't really know why it was kept a secret-"
"It wasn't a secret, per say. I suppose from Danny's perspective, it was a blemish on his perfect record."
"What the hell does that mean?" I scowled, already feeling disgusted.
"Danny is a complicated guy." She laughed, shaking her head. "He's been in a one-sided rivalry with Louis since they were kids. You may not believe me, given that you know Louis now… But when he was younger, he was a popular guy. People loved being around him. He's charming, kind, funny…" the slightest hint of a blush formed on her cheeks. "Anyway, he didn't have a problem making friends. Danny on the other hand? He was very shy and reserved. Nobody understood how two people who were so different from each other could be best friends. I think being compared to Louis ate away at Danny for a long time. He didn't want to be seen as 'less than', so he… changed."
"You mean he became the self-centered, insufferable buffoon he is today?" I drawled.
"The persona had to be crafted over the years. He wasn't always like he is now."
"I always figured he had some sort of deep-rooted insecurities, but I wouldn't have pegged him as the jealous type. Especially not towards Louis. He always used him as the butt of a joke. I thought it was just some razzing between friends." My blood began to boil, thinking of all the times he would say obnoxious things right to Louis' face. "He was actually trying to destroy his confidence."
"I didn't know how bad it had gotten…" she placed a hand over her deceptively flat stomach. "I don't know if he ever really loved me, or if I was just a tool to torture Louis with." Tears began forming in her eyes. "I was stupid."
"What exactly happened this morning? Louis didn't give me a lot to work with." I had already decided I would beat Danny's face if the situation required it. Arnold be damned, I choose violence.
"It was strange. Very strange. When he woke up this morning, I told him I needed to tell him something important. Once Louis joined us, I spilled my guts. I didn't mince my words. I told him exactly what happened, and when it happened. After I finished, all he did was look directly at Louis and say 'You screwed her? Finally?' like he was talking about the weather!" The tears began rolling down her cheeks. "Louis got really upset. I'm pretty sure he was going to hit him if I hadn't stopped him."
"He didn't even care about what happened? What the actual fuck!"
"I told him that it's over between us, that I can't do this anymore… And that's when he demanded a paternity test. I don't know why though! I admit I was in denial when I first found out, mainly because of the shame I felt. But I know Louis is the father. The dates match up perfectly according to the doctor, along with the baby's measurements."
"So… are you going to do it?" I sighed.
"Yes. Because the alternatives would be worse. I don't want to end up in court over something that can be settled privately."
The front door opened, causing both of our heads to whip around. I let out a sigh of relief when Louis emerged. "Helga! I thought you weren't coming." He studied the scene before him, contemplating. "Did I interrupt?"
"No. Not at all. Helga was just listening to me babble." She chuckled. "So… where's Danny?"
"He took off a little while ago with some of the other guys." Louis looked tired. As if he hadn't slept all night. He slipped by us on the steps, crouching in front of Liz. "You okay?"
"I will be. Once everything is said and done." She still had a hand placed over her stomach, which Louis immediately took notice of, looking panicked. "I'm fine! I do this a lot lately when I feel stressed, kind of like I'm telling the baby 'It's okay'. You know?"
"Can I?" He moved his hand closer towards her, waiting for permission. She nodded, and he placed his hand over hers. "It's okay" he whispered. "Dad's here too."
I couldn't really describe what I was feeling, seeing such a private moment between them. Disgust? No… Confusion? Maybe. It was actually very sweet, and it kind of made me sick at the same time. I'm 100% certain my parents never told me I was going to be okay, in utero or not. There was an undeniable ache in my chest. I knew their baby was going to grow up feeling safe and wanted. It was the kind of love I never got to experience.
"You're going to be really good parents."Both turned their attention to me, like they forgot I was even there. "Your kid might be part of the accidental baby club like me, but they'll be a happy mistake."
"There's no such thing as a mistake." Liz held my gaze, smiling. "You were meant to be in this world, just as much as the rest of us 'planned' kids."
"Arnold would agree." Louis teased. "But in all seriousness, thank you" his gaze traveled back to his hand that was still on top of Liz's. "I didn't… know it was possible to love someone you've never met."
The ache in my chest intensified, and that's when a familiar feeling hit me:
I wanted to cry.
** One Month Later** - July
I didn't miss being back in the Pataki household. Not one bit. During the one month waiting period for our apartment, Arnold stayed with his grandparents, and I was stuck with Bob and Miriam. There wasn't any kind of grand 'welcome home!' waiting for me. Miriam saw me come into the kitchen with a duffle bag on my shoulder and assumed I was kicked out of school. I kindly reminded her that Olga had dragged them to my college graduation ceremony in the not-too-distant past. I got the usual response with "That's nice sweetie." as she continued to blend another one of her special smoothies, numb to the rest of the world. Big Bob heard all the commotion and joined us in the kitchen. He was irritated at the sight of me just being in the house again. "What's the girl doing here Miriam!? Isn't she 18 already?" All in all, it was exactly how I pictured it would go. I was never welcome in their world to begin with. I had to practically beg him to allow me to stay for one month. I needed a bed and a shower, that's all. My old bedroom had been filled with excess electronics from Bob's store, the boxes nearly touching the ceiling. There was a single path in and out of the room, and nothing more. I spent every night hoping I wouldn't get crushed by a wayward box. Nobody would come looking for me in that house. My only solace from that hell hole was Arnold. We both had a couple of weeks before our jobs officially started, so we made the most of it. I surprised Arnold with a trip to the beach, renting our own little bungalow on the surf for a few nights. It was magical. I hadn't seen Arnold relax like that in a long time. The only thing that mattered in that moment was us. I never wanted it to end.
Alas, time is cruel. We had to join the 'real world' and endure all its unpleasantries. I started my job at 'Sina Publishing House', located in a high-rise office building in downtown Hillwood. I've always heard rumors about novelists being a little… zany, but I had never encountered people quite like the authors at Sina. I was assigned to work with an author who went by Lucy. Just Lucy, no last name given. Her pen name was K.J. Strath, which surprised me, because I've read a few of her novels before. For our first introductions, I was greeted by her sitting on the floor in the middle of a darkened room 'meditating', with incense surrounding her. Of course I had to get the weirdest of the weird authors. Lucy was eccentric, completely reticent in her writing methods, and most importantly; she liked to order me around like a dog. The word 'assistant' had been thrown around during my interview for an editor position, but I never thought it would equate to a literal assistant. I hadn't touched a single manuscript, nor have I contributed in any meaningful way.
"This fucking sucks!" I repeatedly bumped my head against the headrest of my car while we were sitting at a red light. "I had to pick up Lucy's dry cleaning today. DRY CLEANING! What the hell am I doing with my life, Arnold?"
"Baby. Give it time." Arnold grabbed my hand from the center console and gave it a kiss. "It almost seems like she's… I don't know, testing you? Seeing if you'll stick around."
"My dream is to write, to see the world. How the hell is doing someone else's chores going to help me get there? It's demeaning! I got a college degree as a decoration for our apartment, apparently." I knew I was pouting, but I couldn't help it! Lucy was insufferable.
"Look on the bright side-" Oh, Arnold! I've longed to hear you say those words once again. "We're moving everything into the apartment tomorrow. We can be together alllllll the time!" He gave my hand a squeeze. "You can get sick of me instead of Lucy."
"Believe me, you're a saint in comparison to that devil woman." I released his hand and reached over to teasingly brush my fingers over his crotch. "She's fucking me over, but you get to fuck me. Big difference, Arnoldo!"
"Stop it!" He laughed, grabbing my hand once again. "Behave yourself, you're driving! Plus, we're already here." We pulled up to the boarding house just as the sun was setting. Arnold usually kisses me goodnight and takes off into the house, but tonight he seemed hesitant. "Do you… want to stay with me tonight?" My eyes widened at his proposal. During the last month, he had refused to let me stay over to engage in anything remotely sexual. He refused to 'defile' his childhood bed. I've stayed over a few times just to sleep, but nothing more. "No sex." He gave me a knowing look.
"Fuck!" I whined. "What if I finally let you do that thing?" I grabbed his hand, placing it on my breast as an invitation to ravish me. He instinctually squeezed it without a word. "Hmmm?" my eyebrows wiggled. "You can do it as much as you want."
The sound of his gulp was audible. His eyes were still fixated on my chest. "You've tricked about this me before. Plus, you've always said you don't want to do it."
I leaned over the console, kissing him. "We haven't gotten to do anything in weeks. I think I would let you do anything right now. I mean anything." From the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar hardness forming in his pants. "Anything." I repeated.
He closed his eyes, leaning back in the seat. "It's only one more night. That's all we need to wait. Please?" I could tell that he was using every ounce of self-control he had in him to refuse me. "I want to spend my last night in the boarding house with you lying next to me. No kinky stuff, no… thing, either. Can we?"
I let out a long sigh, "… Okay."
"Okay?" his eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Yes, okay." I kissed his cheek. "We'll play by your rules this time, Arnold. I'll be a blushing virgin for the night! I promise."
"Thank you."
I'm going to pounce on you the second we walk into our apartment, football head.
Once dawn broke the next morning, Arnold and I got to work. We started moving his boxes downstairs from his old room to load them into the moving truck we would be picking up at 8. We had to stop by my storage unit to empty it out, and unfortunately, we had to stop by Bob and Miriam's to pick up the last few items I had brought with me.
"You don't have to come inside, Arnold. Those idiots are bound to be up and about by now. Nobody should have to deal with them." I rolled my eyes.
"I want to." He opened the passenger door of my car, smiling at me. "It'd be rude of me to not greet your parents as your boyfriend, you know?"
"Don't say I didn't warn you, football head." We got out of the car and made our way to the stoop. My hand hesitated, holding the doorknob for several seconds. This is the last time I'll ever have to do this. I opened the door, peaking inside to make sure Miriam hadn't passed out in the hallway again. "Okay, let's do this." In the distance I could hear Big Bob watching his morning gameshows, screaming the answers at the tv like he always does. "Bob? Miriam?" I halfheartedly called out, hoping they would ignore me.
"Keep it down Olga. I'm watching my shows!"
Arnold met my dissatisfied gaze, shrugging. I took him by the hand and walked towards the living room. Bob was lounging in his chair with an entire box of doughnuts resting in his lap, still oblivious to our presence. "Dad-"
"For the last time, I'm watching my shows, Olga! Go bother your mother. I think she fell asleep under the table again." He stuffed another doughnut in that stupid hole in his face.
"We're sorry for the intrusion, Mr. Pataki. It's my fault." Bob threw his box of doughnuts on the coffee table next to him with a huff. Here it comes. "I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Arnold. Helga and I grew up together. I'm actually her…" he cleared his throat. "Boyfriend… We're moving in togeth-"
Bob was starting to turn a bright, angry shade of red. "I don't give flyin' crap who you are, just take the girl and leave! We served our time with that one, she can fend for herself now. Not my responsibility anymore. Now go! And take all the junk you brought here with you, Olga."
"It's Helga." Arnold corrected, tightening his grip on my hand.
"Arnold," I whispered. "Let's just get my stuff and go. Please. It's not worth it." I pulled him out of the room without incident. As we walked up the stairs, I felt sick to my stomach. I was seething. I hated this place. I hated the way it made me feel. I hated them.There were photos all over this stupid house that haunted me every single day that I was forced to stay here again. Olga was prominently featured in almost every single one. I stopped towards the top of the stairs, observing the single 'family' photo I was in. It was crooked on the wall, and clearly hadn't been touched in years. Arnold watched me in silence as I removed the photo from the wall, dusting it off with my fingertips.
A miserable child amongst three other deceptive smiling faces. A horrific wound that left a scar so deep, it could never truly heal… I was only a child.
"Just a child." My fingers tightened around the frame. Arnold touched my shoulder. I'm pretty sure he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear it. All I could hear was the sound of my last thread of sanity snapping. "Wait here." I gave Arnold a look before stomping back down the stairs. I stood in the entryway to the living room, throwing the picture frame as hard as I could against the wall near Bob. "FUCK. YOU." I screamed it at the top of my lungs with every primal feeling of hatred I possessed.
He nearly fell from his chair at the sound of glass shattering. "What the hell is wrong with you!? What did you just say to me?"
"You 'served your time', Bob? Really? WHEN?" I vaguely heard Arnold barreling down the stairs. "You wrote me off when I was barely two minutes old, you son of a bitch! You called me a disappointment!"
"Helga!" Arnold grabbed me by my shoulder, but I shook him off.
"You didn't raise me! I raised myself. You and that thing you call your wife are USELESS!" My blood pressure was through the roof, and my heart wouldn't stop pounding against my ribcage. "I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't ask to be born! Your only fucking job was to love me, and you couldn't even be bothered to do that!" My breath hitched when I realized I was getting lightheaded from my erratic heartbeat. "I'm not your daughter. I'm just 'the girl'. I refuse to accept that this is who gave me life!" I gestured at him. "People like you don't deserve to procreate." When I took a step closer towards him, he visibly flinched. Good. "And despite your best efforts, Bob, I survived that concentration camp I call 'my childhood'. You couldn't break me then, and I refuse to let you break me now. I'm done. I don't need you!" I turned back towards Arnold. "Forget my stuff. Let's go." He nodded, taking my hand.
Just as we were walking out the door, I heard Bob mutter "Ungrateful bitch."
I practically lunged back towards the door, but Arnold wrapped his arms around my torso, physically preventing me from going back inside. "Helga!" He grunted during our struggle, holding me even tighter. "You said what you needed to say, baby. You did it." I stopped struggling and fell into his embrace.
"I'm not his daughter! I'm not!" I growled. "I refuse."
"I know." He soothed, "You're my sweet, beautiful Helga. That's all that matters."
I suddenly felt exhausted. The adrenaline was leaving my system, and my entire body was going limp. "I want to go home. To our home." I pleaded.
Arnold reached into his pocket, producing two keys on a keychain and placing them in my hand. "You're free now."
I never thought I would enjoy the sight of three handsome men struggling to get a king-sized bed up a narrow spiral staircase, but here I am, watching the shit show unfold. Arnold, Louis, and Gerald were all holding the bed above their heads with wobbly arms. They had been going at it for the last thirty minutes. I, on the other hand, have been exiled to our new living room to 'relax'. After the horrific events at the Pataki prison, Arnold refused to let me help with the rest of the move for the day. He called our friends, and they came to help without question. Louis brought Liz along with him, he claims it was just because they were at a doctor's appointment to finally get the paternity test done to appease Danny, and to get her 12-week ultrasound so Louis could see the baby for the first time. He practically broke the door down in excitement with images in hand from the ultrasound. "Look at my freakin' baby! Aren't they so cuuuuuute?" The black and white photo in question was vaguely disturbing to me. There was a clear silhouette of a tiny human, sans-detail. It made it seem so… Real. "We got to hear the heartbeat, too. It was amazing! They couldn't get a clear shot of the gender yet, so we're going back in two weeks to find out!" The smile on Liz's face as she watched Louis hype up his own kid said it all. There was still something there between them, even if they hadn't acknowledged it yet.
Despite all his excitement about their kid, I personally think Louis brought her along as a distraction for me. They conveniently showed up with a basket of yarn, and crochet hooks. Liz was planning on making her own blanket for the baby, and Arnold enthusiastically encouraged me to learn how to crochet from her. 'It's calming!' he says. I'm perfectly calm… Well, sort of. I mean, I only had a slight mental breakdown in front of him a few hours ago. What's so strange about that?
Fuck.
"This isn't so bad, I suppose." I did the basic stitch Liz had taught me, making a long chain that dangled off the edge of our brand-new couch.
"My mom taught me how to crochet when I was young. I used to make blankets for my Barbies." She chuckled. "I was a hyperactive kid, and my mom said that this was the only activity I would sit still for." Liz held the beginnings of her blanket up to examine it. She had made a lot more progress than myself, given she has years of practice, and hers was going to be for a baby- "By the way, thanks for letting me hang out here today with you guys. We had to see Danny this morning for the paternity test. He insisted that their cheek swabs had to be done at the same time." She sighed. "He really doesn't believe Louis is the father. I feel terrible about the whole thing… for a lot of reasons."
"Does he still talk to you?"
"He's texted me a few times, asking how I'm doing. Moreso concerned about the baby than me." She seemed conflicted about the situation with him. Which was understandable, given the complexities involved.
I leaned in and lowered my voice "What about Louis? Are you two… getting back together?"
Her eyes widened at the mere suggestion, shaking her head. "No, nothing like that. At the end of the day, we'll always be friends and co-parents. That's all I can do for him right now. The last thing I need is to bungle another relationship."
"I understand. It's a smart decision. Life is hard enough without having to deal with those guys." My gaze traveled to the three stooges on the stairs. "When do you think I should tell them that they could tie some ropes across the mattress and pull it over the loft railing?"
She glanced over her shoulder at them. "We don't want to ruin their fun, right?" To further emphasize her lack of interest in helping them, she leaned back against the couch to get more comfortable. In that position, I instantly noticed the faintest bump starting to show on her stomach since the last time I saw her. "Babies really terrify you, huh?"
My eyes snapped up to meet hers "I'm sorry! I wasn't trying to stare." I became hyper focused on my stitches, hoping she wouldn't ask me any more questions regarding my thoughts about children. I need a distraction. "Arnold!" I bellowed. There was a domino effect of crashing and cursing sounds behind us. Arnold popped up next to me just seconds later, breathing heavily. He was covered in sweat. God, he's sexy. "Lunch." I pointed to my belly. "Break time?"
"Arnold, you little… bitch!" I glanced towards the stairs, Louis was currently laying upside down at the bottom step of the stairs, the mattress was pinning his legs down. Gerald was up a few steps from him, also currently being crushed by our mattress.
He looked over towards them and winced "Sorry!"
"Man, if you don't get this fucking demon mattress off me in the next 10 seconds, I swear!" Gerald was completely wedged against the railing, glaring directly at Arnold.
"Oh crimeny! Use some freakin ropes and have two of you start pulling it over the loft railing while me and someone else pushes to give you momentum from below, you dumb fucks! You guys act like you're dragging it up a skyscraper." I groaned. We would be sleeping on the couch tonight if it were up to them. The three of them seemed to ponder my words, silently accepting the fact that they're morons. "Now, feed me! I require sustenance." I held my hand out to Arnold.
"Yes ma'am." He played along, grabbing my hand and giving it a kiss. "What shall we have?"
"Ask the pregnant one" I gestured to my left.
Liz blinked in surprise "Uh… A-anything is fine with me. My morning sickness has gotten a lot better! Pick anything you want."
I jumped when Louis' head popped up between us from behind the couch, crouching down to rest his chin on his arms. "You're actually a total sweetheart, aren't you Helga? So considerate!"
"Oh please!" my eyes rolled. "I just suggested she choose."
"Thanks for your help, guys!" Gerald had finally escaped from underneath the mattress, brushing his clothes off. "I say we get tacos from that new food truck that's been parking near campus. Louis and I can go pick it up and bring it here… Plus we can buy some rope on the way back." He grumbled, kicking the corner of the mattress.
"Sounds good." Arnold nodded in approval. "I can finish unpacking some of our bedroom stuff while you're gone."
"I can help-"
"No! I- I mean, no, I'll be fine. It's just a few small boxes." He reassuringly patted my hand.
I was really starting to get irritated. He was acting like I was on my death bed, unable to lift a finger. I was fine! "I want to help you." I said, my voice was much firmer than before. "It's my home too." I wasn't looking at anyone but Arnold, but I'm sure everyone else in the room was waiting for me to lose my shit, all of them tense in anticipation.
"I know." He knelt in front of me, eyes still full of concern. "We're going to be unpacking for a long time! Probably weeks." He laughed. "I beg you, please… Just for today…. Relax, and don't worry about anything else. Please." His request was emphasized with another kiss to my hand and pleading eyes that were practically staring into my soul.
"The three of us will go pick up lunch!" Liz suddenly got up from the couch. "I needed to stretch my legs anyway." Our eyes met, and she gave me a knowing nod and smile. "Come on boys!" She grabbed Louis' shirt sleeve first, followed by Gerald's, leading them to the front door.
As soon as they were gone, I removed my hand from his. "Why are you making this so weird, football head? Just stop it! I'm perfectly fine-"
"Helga…" He went to his knees, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my midsection. "I don't know what to do." When he finally lifted his head to meet my gaze, I gasped at how distraught he looked. "How do I take away the pain for you? I feel so useless…"
My poor beloved. I think I traumatized him this morning with my outburst.
"The scars run too deep, my love." My eyes softened at his pained expression. "You can't erase what's been done, but-" I took his hand and placed it over my heart. "There's still a heart beneath the scars. It beats only for you, it always has… It may not be beautiful, but it's yours."
"And mine is yours." He copied my actions, placing my hand over his heart.
I leaned in for a kiss. After a few seconds I pulled back, my face scrunched up in disgust. "Ya know… this was weirdly intimate, and kind of cringey! What on earth are you doing to me football head?"
"Well, I am a sap according to you." He smiled, hoisting himself back on his feet.
"We were supposed to spend all day having sex on every surface in this apartment, not sitting here being mushy like we're in a teenage romcom! This fucking sucks." I puffed out my bottom lip.
"We're taking a raincheck on that for now." He took my hands and pulled me up with him. "You wanted to help me, right? Let's go to our room and sort through the boxes."
"Yes sir!" I saluted, secretly relishing the fact that he called it our room.
It may not seem like much, but a simple act of normalcy helped calm my nerves. Today did not go how I planned it out. I wanted to leave everything behind at the Pataki household. All the complicated feelings, the anger, the confusion. I suppose I should have known better. The human brain will eventually get tired of deflecting decades of emotional trauma. Arnold worries about me, and my happiness, which is something I'm still adjusting to. Today had been hard on both of us, for different reasons. I felt guilty that he had to witness the destruction of my family ties right in front of him. All I can do now is move forward and forget that the people who gave me life ever existed. I have my own life to live now. It can't be that difficult.
Right?
The rest of the day seemed to fly by. The sun had long since set in Hillwood. Our friends had gone home, leaving Arnold and I in our newfound domestic bliss. Brushing our teeth side by side before bed seemed like a bad cliché, but dammit, I loved it. "I gotta hand it to you Arnoldo, I didn't think you guys would ever get this thing up here." I sprawled out on my belly across our bed, complete with new sheets. Once they tried my suggestion, the bed magically made it up in the loft. Let's just call it a 'July miracle'. "You know…" I tapped my fingers against my chin, staring directly at my adorable boyfriend standing at the side of the bed. "We could still-"
"Nope!" the spot next to me dipped as he joined me to lounge on his back. "It's been a long day. We need a good night's sleep."
"I'd sleep even better if you let me ride you for a bit." I reached over to squeeze his balls.
"AHH, no!" My hand was promptly removed. "Don't make me handcuff you." He moved to the head of the bed and went underneath the sheets. "Come to bed, baby. We have plenty of time to christen our new bed another day. Okay?"
"Fiiiiiiiine!" I grumbled, forcing myself to get under the sheets with him.
He leaned over for a kiss before turning off the lights with a remote. "Good night."
Fuck… There was no way I was going to be able to sleep tonight. I was hoping to exhaust myself with his dick until I was tired. Too many thoughts were still swirling in my head, and I couldn't make it stop. The entire apartment was dark. Only the faintest glow from our alarm clock could be seen. For some reason the darkness felt… unsettling, and I didn't know why. I tossed and turned a few times, attempting to ignore the strange ache in my chest that's been haunting me lately. I'm not afraid of the dark! What's triggering it now? "Enough." I whispered to myself, frustrated. I closed my eyes, trying to think about anything else.
I could hear a little voice echoing; "Mommy! Daddy!" It was dark. Everything was cold… on the floor? What? - "MOMMY! DADDY!" small hands are pounding on a door. The handle seemingly miles out of reach. There's a deliberate bang on the other side of the door. "SHUT UP! GO TO SLEEP!" a loud male voice screams into the void. The little voice begins fading "I need you... I'm scared." Tears. So many tears. Only silence and darkness await.
They weren't coming.
I remember now… I was only a baby.
"HELGA!" I opened my eyes. The bedroom lights were on. Arnold was sitting up, grasping me by my shoulders, his eyes completely frantic. "You were screaming in your sleep! What happened?"
The ache… It won't stop. "It hurts." I grabbed a fistful of his shirt. "It hurts!" tears burned in my eyes.
"What hurts? Helga! You're scaring me!"
'It's okay. Dad's here too.'
'She can fend for herself now.'
'… I was only a baby.'
'That's the first and last disappointment we're ever having.'
'You were meant to be in this world.'
'I didn't ask to be born!'
'You're free now.'
I screamed. My God, I screamed with everything my body had in me. Every ounce of pain I've endured, every emotional scar, everything. I wanted to release it from my body. I couldn't carry this stupid weight anymore. Arnold grasped my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. "Helga." Tears were in his eyes as well. "I'm here."
"It hurts!" I cried, thumping my fist against his chest. "Why?" my hands grasped his forearms. "Why… didn't they love me?"
Arnold pulled me into a tight hug, soothingly stroking my hair. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise." I collapsed against him, sobbing uncontrollably. I haven't cried this hard since I was a small child. Somewhere along the way, I taught myself to not let them make me cry. I didn't think the tears were being stored away somewhere inside of me, waiting to burst like a faulty dam. I hate myself right now.
"I'm sorry." I sniffed, feeling completely helpless.
"Don't ever apologize. You've done nothing wrong." He whispered softly, like he was putting a restless child down for a nap. I don't know if it was his soothing whispers, or the warmth of his arms, but my eyes slowly began closing after a while. A deep sleep soon found me. A soft voice repeated in my dreams like a sweet melody...
"I love you. I love you. I love you."
** One Week Later **
Arnold has been keeping a close eye on me ever since my unexpected meltdown. Every night he insisted on keeping close to me as I fell asleep, holding my hand, letting me know he was there. He informed Professor Marsden that he needed a little while longer before he could join Jason for the archiving process due to a 'family emergency'. I had to practically grovel at Lucy's feet to allow me to work from home for a short period. She graciously allowed me to delegate her emails during my absence from the office.
Ever since the incident, Arnold and I talked a lot about what happened, and I was honest with him about where my head was that night, as well as the weird feelings I had been having leading up to it. He asked if I would ever consider seeing a therapist to get an outsider's opinion. Doctor Bliss was the last therapist I've ever seen. The thought of spilling my guts to a total stranger made me feel leery. More importantly, I was still reeling from everything, and trying to gather my thoughts. All I've ever wanted was to let go of the past and forget about the childhood that I was robbed of. I'm 22 years old, and I'm just now remembering being locked in my bedroom as a toddler? It disturbs me to know that there are probably even more things I've made myself forget. Did I want to face memories that could potentially be worse?
"Penny for your thoughts?" Arnold was leaning against the kitchen island, watching me on the other side. My breakfast remained untouched in front of me.
"You'd need more than a penny, Arnoldo." I sneered, stabbing a piece of scrambled egg and putting it in my mouth, hoping that would appease his watchful eye. He continued to watch me with an eyebrow raised. I took another bite; "Mmmm, soooooo good!" I let out an overtly sexual moan and threw my head back. Hell, if he was going to watch me and expected some kind of show… I'd give him one.
He wasn't having any of my shenanigans this morning. "Should I let you have some alone time with your eggs, baby?" His coffee cup lifted to his lips, presumably hiding his smirk.
"Crimeny! Does nothing turn you on anymore?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized I was sitting there with a major case of bedhead, and toothpaste stains on my shirt. I'm a mess.
"You turn me on plenty. I promise." He set his cup down, turning his attention to the cabinet behind him and grabbing a box of cereal and a bowl. With cat-like reflexes, I left my bar stool, wrapping my arms around him from behind. "H-Helga?"
"How much?" I squeezed tighter, making sure he could feel my breasts against his back. "On a scale of 1-10?" my right hand slipped inside his shirt, fingers playing with the waistband of his pajama bottoms. He was gripping the counter like his life depended on it. "Tell me…" I finally moved my hand inside his pants.
"You know it's 1,000!" He grabbed my wrist, breathing a sigh of relief when my hand was finally removed from his pants. I let out a loud huff and fully released him. He turned around; despite knowing I could possibly punch him in the gut for rejecting me. "What's gotten into you all the sudden? Why now?"
"It's called spontaneous sex for a reason, football head! You seemed to fucking love it on graduation night!" I grabbed my plate of eggs and toast from the island and promptly dumped it in the trash, pushing my way past him. "I won't do it ever again. Sorry." Arnold hadn't been this opposed to sex since we first started dating. He thought we needed to 'communicate' better back then. What the hell was his problem now? All we've been doing is communicating!
I stomped up the stairs to retrieve some clothes so I could take a shower. Maybe some icy water could quell my burning rage. Arnold stood in the middle of the living room, calling up to me in the loft, but I refused to answer. If he was going to be cold with me, I was going to do the same. I intentionally slammed the bathroom door shut as loud as I could, signaling the end of this conversation I refused to have. I turned the water on in the shower, getting in before the water could warm up. It was like needles hitting my skin. Good going, Helga. Keep screwing everything up. I'm sure he loves living with a lunatic!
As soon as I left the bathroom, there was Arnold, waiting on the edge of our bed. "Sit." He pointed at the spot next to him. When I made no attempt to move, he pointed again and spoke with a firmer voice. "Sit down, Helga."
"Yes master." I mockingly bowed. "Would you also like me to roll over?"
"Helga, I swear-"
"Fine! For fucks sake." I begrudgingly sat down a few feet away from him, arms crossed, and head turned in the other direction.
"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to make it seem like I was rejecting you."
My head whipped in his direction. "You did reject me! You didn't even want me to touch you!"
I flinched when he scooted closer. "I was just surprised. I didn't expect you to suddenly shove your hand down my pants during breakfast! I didn't know what prompted it, so I panicked." He cupped my cheek in his hand, rubbing his thumb over it. "I'm sorry."
"No…" I sighed. "I'm sorry. Okay? I know I've been erratic lately. I shouldn't randomly attack you when I want your attention. It's not the best way to get the message across."
"I'll give you all the attention you want, baby." He leaned in, brushing my damp hair to the side, kissing and nipping my neck, drawing a moan from me. "Just talk to me. I need to hear you say it."
"I want-" My ringtone went off. "Son of a BITCH!" Arnold reached across the bed and handed me my phone. Louis' name flashed across the screen. I angrily put the phone to my ear; "Louis, for the love of God! If you aren't being murdered, maimed, or run over by a tractor right now-"
"I'm the father!" His voice was shaky. "We got the results."
"Oh…" I paused, not sure what to say.
"I'm happy… but I'm also…" his voice trailed off. "… Feeling guilty at the same time, because I'm happy. I feel like a piece of shit for being excited."
"How's Danny taking it?" I glanced over at Arnold, he seemed to understand what Louis was telling me.
"I didn't talk to him yet, and I don't know if we'll ever get to talk about it. I would imagine he's struggling right now." He sighed. "He's been putting on a brave face ever since he found out about what happened. I know how he is. He'd rather self-destruct than admit he's hurting. I'm worried about him, as strange as that might sound coming from me."
"He's your best friend, Louis. It isn't strange." I had a sneaking suspicion I knew what he was getting at. "… Do you want me to talk with him?" Arnold's eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Please. I would do it myself, but I'm the last person he wants to talk to right now."
"I'll figure something out. Alright?" My brow furrowed in frustration. Why did I have to be a softie right now?
"Thank you… and Helga?" I hummed in response. "Be kind to him for me. Not everything is black and white. Please remember that."
"Don't get all philosophical on me, bucko!" I laughed. "But I get it… I won't be an asshole. In fact," I cleared my throat "I think I already know what I need to say. I'll give him a call in a bit and see if he'd like to come over and see our new place."
"That's a good idea." He sounded much less worried than before. "He'll be happy to see you. I know it."
"Yeah yeah, enough of the chit chat! Go take care of your baby mama." I teased. "I'll talk to you later!" I promptly hung up the phone, tossing it to my side.
"So, you're inviting Danny over?"
"Yeah…" I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. "This might sound weird, but… Do you think you can make plans with Gerald this afternoon? I need to talk with him alone. Is that okay?"
"Of course." He reached for his phone on the nightstand, already prepared to type out a message to Gerald. "Maybe the four of us could go get dinner together sometime? When he's feeling up to it."
"I'll ask him." I grabbed him by the chin and kissed him. "You're way too sweet, you know that?"
"Am I?" He set his phone next to mine before lunging and pinning me against the bed. "We have an outstanding raincheck, right?" He leaned in close, brushing his lips against my ear "Tonight. We're fucking even harder than we did in the closet. But this time you get to cry out all you want." I moaned way louder than I should have at the mere thought. He leaned back to look at me "Sound good then?" The smile on his face was deceptively innocent.
"How do you expect me to function for the rest of the day, football head? Shit!" I squeezed my legs together, trying in vain to subdue the throbbing going on in my nether region.
"I think you'll do just fine, baby." He released me from his grasp and sat back up. "Anyway, I'm gonna text Gerald. I think we'll go bowling or something."
"You little bastard." My teeth raked over my bottom lip. "You'll be the one screaming tonight."
"I look forward to it." He glanced up from his phone and gave me a wink.
Today was going to be the longest day of my life.
Danny: "Just left my place. Be there in 10 minutes."
I was surprised when Danny readily accepted my invitation to come over. I didn't mention that Arnold wouldn't be joining us, but… There were things he and I needed to talk about amongst ourselves. Over the last few weeks, I had done a lot of thinking about the situation amongst our friends, and what role I would play going forward. I had a lot of stuff I needed to get off my chest as well. Communication isn't always my strong suit, so I had to mentally psyche myself up in order to do this without incident.
I had just finished getting dressed when there was a knock at the front door. My first instinct was to gasp when I laid eyes on him. He didn't look anything like himself. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his blue eyes looked washed out… and… dear god, the boy was wearing an old hoodie and sweatpants. He usually refused to leave the frat house without dressing to the nines and checking himself in the mirror 75 times minimum.
Keep it together Helga old girl. Don't be rude.
"Hey Danny." I motioned for him to come inside.
"This is a really nice complex. Very 'Arnold'." He smiled weakly. "Where is he anyway?"
"It's just me. Arnold is hanging out with Gerald." His eyes narrowed slightly, trying to figure out what the catch was. "I wanted to talk to you about some stuff… If that's okay." I moved across the living room and plopped down on the couch.
"So does this mean you don't hate me anymore?" He was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Ugh.
"Sit, please." After a few tense moments he hesitantly sat on the other end of the couch. "I never hated you, Danny. Actually, I wanted to apologize to you… For how I've handled things."
If looks could kill, I'd be 6 feet under. "You immediately disowned me the second Louis told you Liz was his ex, and you haven't spoken a word to me since those two told me about their romp in the sheets." He grimaced. "And you expect me to believe you held no malice this entire time?"
"I didn't handle any of this very well. My track record in the friendship department is lacking." I sighed, rubbing my temples in frustration. "It's not an excuse for my behavior though."
"I thought we were friends. I didn't realize it was only Louis-"
"That's not true!" I frantically shook my head. "That's exactly why I wanted to talk to you about this whole mess. I'll admit, I share a bond with Louis. During all the drama that happened between Arnold, Gerald, and myself, he was the only person who would tell me the whole truth when I needed to hear it. But that doesn't mean I don't have a soft spot for you, too. When you guys came to my dorm for my birthday… I was so happy. It made me realize just how much your friendship meant to me. You weren't just my poker friends. You were my real friends. In case you haven't noticed over the course of the last four years, I don't exactly have a large collection of friends. And I never intended on befriending frat boys!" I laughed. "But you two wiggled your way into my heart. It's infuriating, because I hate letting people in."
He took in everything I was saying in silence. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "… If you care about me the way you say you do, then why did you villainize me when Louis impregnated my girlfriend? Why was I the bad guy?"
"I had a knee-jerk reaction. It was wrong… and I regret it. I only heard the story from Louis' perspective. I shouldn't have assumed you were intentionally being malicious… But…" the question was sitting on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn't sure if I should ask it.
"But what?"
"Well, there are a few things I still don't understand. Mainly about your relationships with those two. But… to be honest? I don't understand you. I thought I was the one who perfected the art of pretending to be someone else. I think you took my crown."
"I'm sure you've already heard all the humiliating details from those two." He crossed his arms with a huff. "Something along the lines of; 'Poor little Danny, he's so insecure! He can't stand being in Louis' shadow.' Am I right?"
"Not in those exact words… But sort of. Liz said it was a one-sided rivalry."
His eyes darkened "You can't have a rivalry with someone you stand no chance of beating." I gave him a pointed look, eyebrow raised in question. "Are you that intent on humiliating me further? I'm not great at spilling my guts either, ya know…"
"Humiliating you?" My head tilted to the side. Ah, he doesn't want to lift his 'mask' for me. "I have no intention of humiliating you. Being honest with someone can be kind of… Freeing. It took me way too long to figure that out. You saw the mess I created!" I laughed. Calling my 'one of the boys' charade through college a mess was an understatement.
"Your psychobabble isn't going to work on me. There isn't anything interesting for me to tell you. It sounds like you've already been given the cliff notes about my past." Danny was just about as stubborn as me. It's no wonder Arnold gets pissed off at me when I shut down.
"Fine, if you want to be that way, then can I ask you a specific question?"
"I can't guarantee I'll answer, but fine. Shoot."
You little brat.
"What did Louis do to you when you were younger? I can't understand why you thought you needed to change yourself into a new person to outdo him."
His gaze lowered to his lap. I think I hit a nerve. "He didn't do anything. Louis was always a good friend." His voice wavered slightly. "He was everything I wasn't. Everyone around us loved pointing it out. 'Louis could have any friend he wanted! Why choose the weird rich kid?'. I'm sure he's heard it a million times as well behind my back."
"Were you jealous?"
"In a way, I guess. But not for the reasons you're thinking. I didn't aim to 'outdo him', as you put it. I wanted to… prove something. It just spiraled out of control after a while."
"Crimeny! You broke his spirit, Danny. You encouraged an unhealthy image of himself, I've seen you do it with my own eyes! Plus, you swooped in and started dating his ex-girlfriend, dangling her right in front of him. It wasn't 'out of control'. You were being mean." He glared at me with an intensity I've never seen from him before. Did I go too far?
"Do you seriously think I dated Liz for years to torment him? I love-… loved her. Was it wrong for me to date her before he was over her? Yeah, I'll own that one. I was a dick." He opened his mouth to say something else but stopped himself, choosing to look away from me instead.
"I'll accept that you weren't intentionally trying to hurt him by using his ex. I'll chalk it up to sheer stupidity on your part. But… Admit it, Danny… admit that you were slowly picking his confidence apart. There's no excuses for it."
"Fine." He sucked in his breath, clenching his teeth. "I wanted him to feel the way I did. Okay?"
"Did hurting him make you feel better? Was it worth it?" As a former bully myself, I already knew the answer.
"No." His expression softened, showing genuine sadness. "I lost everything. I'm not proud of what I've done, but what can I do? Louis and Liz are having a baby together. They seem to be happy about the outcome. Cutting me off is easy for them."
"That's not true. I've seen the fallout from their end. Louis is disgusted with himself for betraying you. He was the one who called me earlier, worried sick about you. He asked me to be lenient, and to give you a chance. Neither of them seems to think you're a monster. So… Clearly your friendship runs deeper than you give them credit for."
"He was worried?" If I didn't know any better, I would think he was on the verge of tears. Louis was right; Danny was trying to put on a brave face.
"Absolutely." I scooted closer to him on the couch. "There isn't an easy answer to any of this. Things are fucked up. But that doesn't mean that Louis doesn't care about you… or that you completely stopped caring about him. Life is fucking complicated."
"I don't know where to go from here." He sniffed, willing himself not to cry. "I-… I can't watch them raise their kid, knowing what happened. I've lost everything."
"You still have friends." I placed my hand on his shoulder. "You didn't abandon Arnold during his fight with Gerald, and we're not going to abandon you now. I'm not an expert, but… I think this is what friends are for?" I shrugged with a chuckle "At least that's the bullshit I hear on old 90's sitcoms."
"Thanks… Helga." Whenever my first name was being used, I knew he was being genuine.
"Oh, before I forget! Arnold wants the three of us and Gerald to get together sometime. Whenever you're feeling up to it. We can have some fun!" I nudged him. "Raise some hell, like old times."
"I'd like that." He smiled.
Danny stayed over for quite a while after our 'talk'. It was rare for us to spend alone time together when he still lived in the frat house. He's actually a pleasant person to talk to when he isn't trying to act like a 'bro'. He talked about wanting to get his master's degree in environmental engineering, and possibly moving back home to California one day to 'fix the fucking drought problem!'. I gotta give the guy credit, he's not stupid. If anything, his goals made me respect him even more. My dreams were hardly considered noble, but they were mine. I want to see the world, be inspired, and write! With any luck, maybe Arnold would be by my side. I'm sure there was plenty of ancient crap for my little anthropologist cutie to study while we globetrotted.
After Danny left, I decided there was enough time to surprise Arnold with a batch of brownies when he came home. Chocolate was sexy, right? That boy owes me some sweet, sweet release! Arnold loved all that domestic crap, so what would work better than presenting him with homemade confectionaries on a platter, and myself? I'm admittedly a terrible cook, but boxed brownie mix was hardly rocket science. I was aiming for sex, not Top Chef. While they were baking, I changed into a nice pair of underwear with a matching bra. "Not bad." I examined myself in the bathroom mirror, fluffing my hair and adjusting my boobs to look fuller in my bra. If this didn't get him in the mood, nothing would! Lo and behold; the brownies turned out perfectly. Thank you, Betty Crocker! Now all I had to do was wait for my beloved to return. I hadn't heard from him in a few hours, but I knew he would be home in time to cash in on his promise.
There was a rattling sound at the front door around 10pm. Showtime! I quickly hopped up on the kitchen island, posing myself with the tray of brownies in one hand. Arnold emerged shortly after, closing the door behind him. His eyes immediately flicked over to where I was sitting. "Welcome home…" I held out the tray towards him "Sweetie."
My blood ran cold when I noticed the rage in his eyes. "You tried to have sex with Jason when we were fighting!?"
The tray dropped from my hand, followed by the ominous sound of glass shattering.
"… Oh, y-yeah… Kinda?" My eyes widened at my own blatant admission.
What the fuck is going on?
What the fuck indeed, Helga. LOL