Two. Out on the platform, because they were already in contact everywhere else.
If Anna was organized enough, she would have counted the days she'd been separated from Elsa. If she went back and did the math, she'd be surprised. Seventy-two wouldn't feel right. The hours were agonizing and slow. While yes, Anna was addicted to her phone before leaving for college, she now kept it charged and in her hands at all times. She was always waiting for it to chime and alert her to a message from her sister. Anna responded in whole poems dotted with emojis, while Elsa was frugal with her words. Anna read and reread each message days after receiving them.
Seventy-two was a lot. Without Elsa, Anna felt a hole in the pit of her stomach. It wasn't entirely unlike the void her parents left. The main difference, this one could fed. A picture of Elsa, a message from her, and even talking about her to her classmates helped soothe the need to get a taste of her. Anna hadn't heard from Elsa in over two hours. The last message she sent was a picture of her view from the train coach. Anna ignored the mountain range and honed in on the slight reflection on the window. Elsa's face was there, mostly covered by her phone.
Anna stared at the edge of Elsa's mouth for a wasteful amount of time. She forgot she was supposed to be working on the assignment spread out in front of her. She promised Elsa she'd be done and ready to spend the entire day together. After many failed attempts at finding a good weekend for a visit, the sisters had settled for a day trip. Elsa would have to turn around and head back home after only a few hours. Anna checked the time. She was behind. At this rate, she wouldn't be able to pick Elsa up at the station.
Els, I'm still not done with this project. : I need a few hours….at least. I'm soooo sorry. Do you think you can meet me at the library on campus? Please don't hate me. /3 3 !
The moment the text was sent, Anna got a response.
K.
That was all it said. Anna didn't have a chance to feel disappointed. The phone chimed again.
I could never hate you.
Anna lined the screen on her phone up just right for both Elsa's picture and her last text would be illuminated. She gave the screen a little tap every few seconds to keep it from timing out. She channeled everything she had into her schoolwork. It took her a while to find her rhythm. She was well in it when someone set a white plastic bag down right next to her. Anna was ready to bark at whoever would be annoying enough to choose her table. A warm breath at Anna's ear drew back her spite.
"You look cute when you're concentrating," Elsa said while reaching up and smoothing out the furrow on Anna's brow. The simple touch washed over Anna.
Elsa's mouth was stretched out. She was smiling with her teeth. Her cheeks were up to her ears and her eyes were arched. Elsa looked happy. That rattled something inside Anna. The vibration damaged the fragile structure that kept her functioning. She felt her insides collapse into each other. Her body went stiff. The only outward reaction she had was to her face. Anna's facial muscles contorted and pulled inward. The pained expression scared Elsa. She grabbed her sister's shoulders and pulled her deep into her chest. In response, Anna bunched her sister's jacket into her fists. Elsa let Anna fall apart there.
"I needed to see you so bad," Anna cried. She repeated her words into Elsa's chest.
"I know," Elsa soothed. "I'm here." Anna's sobs filled the library. As Elsa swayed her little sister, she shoved her own reaction down. Keeping herself steady, she dared not think about how her sister's face distorted. They stayed in this embrace for a long while. When Anna waned, her body fell flaccid into Elsa's embrace and every so often would shudder. The two held each other, both wondering when the sense of longing would be fulfilled.
It was Anna who was the first to remember that a world outside existed, or more accurately, Anna's stomach did. "Is that sushi?" She asked her sister as her nose began to register that gamey smell. The bag Elsa had brought held two large square styrofoam containers stacked on top of each other. If Anna was right, this wasn't just sushi, it was a feast.
"It is," Elsa answered. She loosened her hold on Anna and ran her thumbs under her sister's eyes. While she was able to dry Anna's tears, the sadness lingered. It was par for the course. Even after three years of grief, neither girl would ever be rid of it. Anna managed to crack a small smile. Satisfied that the bout of mourning had passed, Elsa pulled away to work on the knot on the top of the bag. "I thought I'd save us some time and get you fed," she said as if they had not just exchanged tears.
Anna needed a moment to recalibrate. She blinked at her laptop screen a bit, then looked over at her drafting project. There were far too many of those throwaway bits from her eraser on the table. She brushed them off her project as her eyes scanned the room. There were quite a few people whose focus had been disturbed by the sisters. To save herself the embarrassment, she chalked it up to jealousy. Anna would be gawking if she saw a platinum blonde roll in with expensive-smelling food and lean into some geek.
The more Anna looked around the more she realized she was avoiding Elsa's stare. Her sister was finding space around Anna's project to set out the food. "When was the last time you ate?" She was asking when Anna caved in and ground herself in the present.
"I've rediscovered my affinity for Pop Tarts. They make a decent enough breakfast." It was well past noon. Anna responded to the dirty look Elsa gave her with a sheepish grin.
"How have you survived seventy-two days?" Elsa asked as she finally took a seat.
"Pop Tarts, Elsa. I have survived on Pop Tarts." Elsa smacked Anna on the head with a pack of chopsticks before handing them over. She then pulled out a mental thermal bottle from her purse. She took a small sip before also offering it up. Anna took too big of a mouthful. Both the heat and booze burnt her stomach.
"What the hell is that?" Anna's recoil disrupted the quiet of the library yet again. She ducked her head.
"It's sake. Rice wine," a laugh was begging to slip out of Elsa. But she held it back. She straightened her back and shook out her hair. "This entire meal is wasted on you."
Anna rolled her eyes. "My palette would be far more refined if only you'd come and feed me more often."
Elsa sighed in response. "Yeah, I know all the best spots around here." The banter ended there. Anna tried to ignore her guilt but it backfired. She was suddenly pissed her parents were gone. In another life, they would both be here pouring over their coursework and arguing over food menus.
"Are you going to eat and work at the same time?" Elsa mocked. Her eyes raked over Anna's project, taking in how unfinished it was. She was giving Anna a pass. Their time together would be spent in the plastic back chairs of the college library.
Anna was at school to become a drafting technician. She'd picked this field for a list of reasons, none of them being passion. It did rely on some of the technical skills she had as an artist. But she married to the idea when she heard it required two years of study, half the time of typical career paths. Anna would have decent job prospects after she graduated. Something she could do anywhere, including the small city she'd grown up in and where Elsa was still living. Anna hadn't expected it to be so intensive. She didn't have a lot of time outside of classes for anything other than her coursework. Even if she wanted to eat better or sleep, she ran a deficit. There was never any time to catch the train back home. The commute itself was four hours. Anna. As much as she wanted to drop everything and run back home on the weekends, she refused to fail. Not a single day without Elsa would be spent in vain.
The hours added up. All Anna did was work and eat, and work and eat. She fell into an easy pace. Without the pressure to be done in time, she found herself enjoying the work. Even more so because Elsa was over her shoulder asking questions. She fangirled over Anna's line work and even dipped Anna's sashimi in soy sauce and plopped it into her mouth. The commentary was what Anna needed to breathe some life into her studies. She hadn't realized how hard it was to sit alone for hours with the light of her laptop her sole source of company. Anna found herself wishing she had an extra parent who could drop dead and force Elsa to stay.
Anna hadn't caught herself grinning at the thought of killing off loved ones to entrap her sister. But Elsa did. She watched Anna go from deep into thought to donning a shit-eating grin. Elsa was content holed up in the library. She had an endless supply of magazines and free range to sit and watch Anna. If losing her parents gave her anything, it was Anna. Yes, Anna had always been her ever-present kid sister, but she'd grown to be something far beyond that. The easiest way to put it was that Anna was her everything. The hardest way was that, well, everything meant everything. In all aspects of Elsa's life now, she was unsatisfied by anything or anyone that wasn't Anna.
That made their separation that much more difficult. Elsa's life at home was innate. If she wondered why time inched by or why all colour seemed muted, it was because Anna packed up all meaning and left. Elsa regretted encouraging her sister except she didn't. It was a paradox, to care for Anna like any sister would, but to also have a green side. One that longed for Anna to put her above everything else. Elsa wanted to be the centre of Anna's world, for her to drop everything the way Elsa had when their parents died. In college, Anna's life was expanding while Elsa's flatlined. It was a mixture of long days at work and lonely nights in an empty apartment. The only life she had left was the heart palpitations that shot off when thoughts of Anna livened her day.
"I can't believe I never see you," Elsa broke Anna's concentration. Anna didn't look away from her laptop to respond.
"Why don't you come to see me?" There were vast and different answers to that question. Even the safest response was hard to put into words.
"Cause then you'll know how sad I am." Elsa wasn't expecting Anna to smile at that. It cracked paired with a small heh, only to fall right after. She shut her laptop and swung her legs, pointing her all attention at Elsa.
"You want to know the happiest I've been in a long while?" she said. The intensity in Anna's eyes was imitating. The fluorescent lights showed off a slight tint of green in them. They rarely shone like that.
"No." Elsa shrugged.
"That week, right at the end of summer when we were both sick. And we just locked ourselves away from everything. And hid in the garage when the realtor brought people in to see the house." Anna's eyes were rolling back as she spoke. She was transported to those handful of days when they had silently vowed to forget their grief.
"Oh yeah," Elsa meant to agree wholeheartedly but something about Anna's praise made her wither.
"You're the cure to my sadness," Anna's eyes were still so damn intense. Elsa had to look away. She wanted for another swig of sake but knew the bottle had already gone dry. "Why are you shaking your head?" Anna asked. Unaware that she was doing so, Elsa froze.
"I don't know. That's a big job."'
"No, it's not. You don't have to do anything but just be, Elsa. I had a million ideas for us today. Like a band playing at the cafe nearby, and there's a sketchy but cheap place to get pedicures, I've always wanted to try. I saw a flyer for an all-you-can-eat sushi place, so there's that. And I even considered rock climbing… outdoors… in November." Anna was counting her plans on her fingers. Her eyes pointed off to the side as she tried to recollect all the things they could be doing. She got stuck saying "Um," and then shrugged. "My point is, I'm not disappointed that we aren't doing any of that stuff. All I need is you."
Elsa wanted to agree. There was nothing wrong with reciprocating that feeling. It sounded sweet coming from Anna but played back in her voice it came off selfish and sinister. She had no idea why. But she couldn't leave Anna hanging. "I'd have gone rock climbing with you," Elsa gave in and said.
"Oh I know," Anna answered with a wink. She stared back down at her work for a moment and then shut her laptop. "If we go right now, I can walk you back to the train station," she suggested.
Elsa opened her mouth, about to protest, but Anna put up a hand. "Ah, I can cut into my beauty sleep to finish this up."
They packed up their things in a comfortable silence. When Elsa stood up, she realized she was a bit light-headed from the rice wine. She felt her cheeks and they were warm. It reminded her of her father, who'd grow more and more red-faced with every drink he'd pound back. Anna must have noticed because she offered they'd get some coffee for their walk.
Anna's shoulder rubbed against Elsa's every so often as they shared the sidewalk. It was dark out early this time of the year. The sun was low in the sky. The array of colours was vivid but snuffed out by the cityscape. "Being here is so weird," Anna mused. "Like back home, even if I didn't know someone I recognize their face. It's kinda nice that everyone we walk past has no idea we're essentially orphans."
The observation seemed abrupt to Elsa. A couple that walked by and didn't give them even a glance. Back home, there wasn't an encounter that did not meld into pity. "I hadn't thought about that," Elsa said. She smiled at the next person and the reaction had not even a tint of sadness to it.
"I know right? I go on a lot of walks. The best part is that none of these fools know anything about us. Heck, they don't even know we're sisters." Anna's voice cracked in enthusiasm. Elsa watched the up curl of her lip as she spoke. "Like back home, everyone knows every detail of our family's business and dad's drinking. But here, they don't even know we're sisters." At that, Anna switched her coffee from one hand to the other. It freed her up to take hold of Elsa and interlocked her fingers with hers. Neither of them was wearing gloves, their skin was cold, but between their palms, a subtle warmth grew. It didn't come from nowhere, Elsa felt hot inside. She couldn't blame the sake. She stared at the connection and matched it with Anna's choice of words.
Anna pulled her along, there was an ease in her step. She was fighting off the cold by rubbing her thumb along the back of Elsa's hand. Anna's wide eyes were scanning the dusk. The next time she walked down this street, she'd try to hone in on this feeling. Anna didn't mind being alone but she hated being without Elsa. The more they walked, hand in hand, the more she felt Elsa relax.
"When I'm done school, this is going to be our life," Anna made this promise into the impending night. Elsa dropped her head on Anna's shoulder. The tension she'd felt before shed. She allowed herself to feel. She didn't ignore the desire she felt, because she did not want to lock up the ease and the comfort. Anna was right. Without the watchful eyes of neighbours, acquaintances, and even friends of friends, Elsa felt free to get closer to Anna.
It was dark when they made it to the train platform. Elsa had made this trip home a few times. The last night she was here, she stood under the same lamppost numb to the news of her parent's crash. She shook off the thought. Anna's smile was starting to fall. They'd arrived in time. Their goodbye started now.
"Come here," Elsa pulled at Anna's hand. Her little sister fell into her embrace. Anna burrowed in deep. Starting at their cheeks and down to their intertwined knees, Elsa and Anna were in full contact. Both were neither wanting nor willing to let go. "I needed this," Elsa said. Her breath was still warm when it reached Anna's ear. Elsa tilted her neck and placed a kiss on her sister's red hair. Anna hummed and tilted her head. They were so close their lips grazed.
A peal of nervous laughter spilled out of Anna. "Oh, sorry," she said but Elsa's stronghold gave her no space to retreat. Elsa seemed comfortable there and even pushed her lips into Anna. "I don't want to go," she said against her sister's mouth.
"I wish you could stay," Anna responded. Elsa rubbed her lips along Anna's as she spoke, as if caressing her words. She pressed in at the same time Anna leaned in deeper. It was just a peck. They both pulled back, but only for a brief moment. Elsa repeated the kiss once and then again. She continued. Each time she pressed her closed lips against Anna a little longer. Anna pursed her mouth at each kiss. She took each one in, feeling the void she'd been carrying around close in on itself. Her arms were in Elsa's jacket. She had the seams of her sister's sweater bunched in her hands. Anna yanked, trying to get more of Elsa. Elsa obliged, almost stumbling as her body fell closer to Anna. Anna sucked in the little bit of air between them, trying to get her fill.
Why was it now, as the speaker cracked on and announced Elsa's train, that Anna's longing finally settled? Their lips clicked when the sisters parted as if saying their own farewell to one another. Anna's desperation came back full force as Elsa stepped back.
"Message me," was all Anna had in her to say.