CHAPTER EIGHTY-TWO

EVOLUTION

17x04 Kingdom of the Blind

Emily slid into the passenger seat, her eyes immediately darting to Dave. "Who were you talking to?" she asked, her voice tinged with suspicion.

Dave's expression shifted as he changed the subject with an awkward clearing of his throat. "Garrity dropped all charges."

Emily's posture straightened, a fire igniting in her eyes. "Good. I'm going to arrest him myself," she said with determination. "Where is he?"

Dave's brow furrowed. "Nobody knows. Why do you think he set you up?"

Emily's gaze drifted, her mind clearly racing. "I don't know. And a-as crazy as he is, it just doesn't make sense."

"A conspiracy theory?" Dave ventured.

Emily's reaction was immediate, "Oh, don't say that," she muttered, shaking her head. Her voice firmed as she continued, "No. We stay focused on what we know."

Dave studied her for a moment before asking, "You need to go home?"

Emily's jaw clenched visibly as she turned to face the windshield, deliberately avoiding Dave's searching eyes. "No, I have a change of clothes at the office, and I'm not sleeping until I find that little prick."

Dave's voice softened as he broached the subject they'd both been dancing around. "And if you go home you'll have to face JJ…"

Emily's head snapped toward him, her eyes flashing a clear warning. Dave hesitated, then pressed on, his tone apprehensive. "You know, Emily… I've been married four times, three of which ended in divorce, but I know enough to know that I shouldn't be the one you call after spending a night in a holding cell."

"Dave," Emily cut him off, her voice sharp. The warning in her tone was unmistakable, shutting down any further discussion on the topic.

Dave raised his hands in surrender. "Okay," he conceded, turning the key in the ignition. The engine rumbled and filled the silence between them.

As they sat there, Emily's posture sagged, her head coming to rest in her hand. The thought of having to explain this to the director — to the team — to JJ —pressed heavily on her. JJ was already so angry. And what she said about her was right… her recent behavior had been reckless.

Emily closed her eyes, picturing the faces of her three children who needed her love and attention, and the kind, hopeful expression of her wife who deserved so much more than Emily had been giving lately. Perhaps this was some twisted confrontation with her own mortality. The unfairness of her situation burned in her throat. It wasn't right that this was happening to her, but her response wasn't right either.

After a couple of minutes, Dave's voice broke through the quiet. "I gotta admit I'm surprised it took this long for this to happen."

Emily turned to him, her expression initially sarcastic. But as their eyes met, a small, humorous smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

JJ paced the office, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She stopped and turned to face Emily, who was leaning against her desk, looking both defiant and ashamed.

"Do you have any idea how it feels to find out something like this from Dave instead of you?" JJ asked through her teeth.

Just then, Dave appeared in the doorway of the office before stopping immediately. He backed out so promptly it would've been funny in any other situation.

"Brian called me to meet him and then he turned on me," Emily explained, her voice tight with frustration. JJ's eyebrows were raised, mouth a hard line, head shaking in disbelief. She took a deep breath, trying to organize her thoughts.

"Yeah, I know, you keep saying that," JJ said, her voice strained as she tried to maintain her composure. "But that doesn't answer why you called Dave instead of me," JJ said frustratedly, her eyes searching Emily's face for answers.

Emily stared at the floor, not really seeing it. JJ's words echoed in her head. She knew why she'd called Dave, even if she didn't want to admit it. It was that talking to JJ lately, felt like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and boom - everything explodes. Nothing felt safe. Emily realized how much she'd been overthinking every little thing, always trying to guess how JJ would react. It was exhausting and scary as hell. But the worst part was the nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her she was one screw-up away from messing this up for good. She couldn't lose JJ. She couldn't. But lately, it felt like everything she did just pushed them further apart.

"I... I didn't want to worry you," she muttered, hearing how weak the excuse sounded even as she said it. JJ let out a bitter laugh, turning away for a moment. When she faced Emily again, her eyes were sharp with hurt and frustration.

"Worry me?" JJ's voice was low, trembling with disbelief. "Emily, do you have any idea what it was like getting that call after spending hours wondering where you were? Finding out my wife spent the night in jail from someone else?" She shook her head, her words gaining intensity. "That's a hell of a lot more terrifying than any call from you could have been."

JJ paused, swallowing hard before continuing, her voice cracking slightly. "And the kids, Emily. God, the kids. They kept asking when you were coming home, and I..." She trailed off, then met Emily's gaze directly. "I had to lie to them. Because how could I tell them I had no clue where their mother was?" Her final question hung in the air, heavy with accusation and pain. "Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

Emily winced at the hurt in JJ's voice. She pushed off from the desk, taking a tentative step towards JJ. "I thought... I thought I could handle it on my own."

"On your own," JJ repeated, her voice flat. "Because that's worked so well for you lately." The words hung in the air between them, heavy with unspoken frustrations and fears. Emily's shoulders sagged under their weight. "I don't want to do this here," JJ admitted, crossing her arms and looking down at her feet. "Can we talk tonight? About - a couple of things?"

Emily saw a vulnerability replace some of JJ's anger. It threw her off guard a little bit. Emily looked at her wife with concern.

"JJ —"

"Excuse me, Emily?" A voice from the doorway.

"Not now," Emily said sharply over her shoulder without even looking at who she was talking to.

"I need to talk to you and Rossi," Tyler continued cautiously. "It's urgent. Gold Star urgent."

Emily sighed and turned back to her wife. "Tonight?"

JJ nodded and left the office.

"Hey, you about ready to go?"

JJ turned to look at her wife. "Go? I thought -"

"It'll wait -" Emily said quickly. She let out a vulnerable breath then added, "I want to go home with my wife." Her eyes locked with JJ's, conveying a depth that words couldn't.

JJ felt a hesitant swell of hope. She'd been so ready to confront Emily about everything, but after her emotional day with Sydney Voit, and seeing the apprehensive affection currently shimmering in Emily's eyes, she faltered. Suddenly, everything seemed overshadowed by the glimpse of the intimacy they'd been missing recently.

"Yeah," JJ said in a whisper. "Let's go home."

"Mama!" Charlotte chanted when she caught sight of Emily. She slid off her chair and ran over to her. Emily bent over to greet her and took her into her arms. She kissed the top of her head and closed her eyes.

"How's my baby?" Emily whispered against her blonde hair. "Mama missed you so much." Emily continued walking into the house. As they came around the corner JJ caught sight of Sandy. She was standing between Michael and Henry, helping them with their homework. All three of them looked up.

Emily's arms tightened around Charlotte. She closed her eyes and breathed her in. "This is the best part of my day," she whispered into Charlotte's hair.

JJ felt her chest ache at the words. There was so much tension between them, but when Emily said things like that, the undeniable love she held for her wife swelled in her chest. Emily opened her eyes again, and looked at JJ for a moment, taking in the softness that had momentarily replaced the frustration. She set Charlotte down gently, giving her another quick kiss on the forehead.

"Hi mom!" Henry said happily. "You wanna see me do multiplication?"

Emily slid her long trench coat off and folded it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. "Multiplication?" She said with slight exaggeration. "When did you get so smart?" Emily came around the table. "Show me what you can do," Emily said, leaning over the back of Henry's chair and peppering his neck with kisses. Henry giggled at his mother's tickling.

Michael scooted out of his chair and wrapped an arm around one of Emily's, leaning his head against her. Emily turned to him with a warm smile, but snuck a glance at JJ. She was leaning against the doorframe, arms wrapped protectively around her. And her eyes - her eyes were brimming with emotion.

Once they put Charlotte to bed, Henry, Michael, Emily, and JJ all sat down to watch a movie together. Their boys sat in the middle of the couch, sandwiched between them. Emily wrapped an arm around Henry and he laid his head against her. JJ watched them, her mind racing. She could feel the hurt of Emily's deception still simmering just under the surface and mixed with it - the worry about Emily's health. Yet, despite the turmoil, JJ felt the familiar undeniable swell of love wash over her. They hadn't told the kids yet that Emily was sick, they would have to soon. But JJ couldn't help but imagine what it would do to them if Emily died. They would never be the same. She would never be the same.

The movie ended, and Michael immediately began protesting, "MJ, can we watch another? Please? I'm not even tired."

"No, not tonight," JJ said firmly.

"But we don't have school tomorrow, and I—"

"I said no, Michael!" JJ snapped, raising her voice. Michael went quiet. JJ felt a vague pang of guilt for snapping at him. She felt like a live wire, like any small thing could set her off. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Why don't you two go up and brush your teeth?" she said. "Mom and I will be up to tuck you in."

Michael nodded. "Okay," he said quietly. He and Henry went up the stairs and JJ turned back to stare at the blank TV screen, shaking her head.

Emily was staring at her - she could feel her gaze even if she didn't say anything.

"Jay -"

"Don't," JJ cut her off softly. There was remorse in her voice. But beneath that, there was an unquenchable anger, and deeper still, an undeniable pain. She stood from the couch and began to make her way towards the stairs. Emily got up and followed her.

So far, this night had not gone the way Emily hoped it would. But now that the kids were in bed, and it was just the two of them, she hoped to make the most of it. Emily watched her lead the way into Michael and Henry's room. She followed JJ into the bedroom and watched as she tucked their kids in. When she was done, she closed the bedroom door and turned to Emily.

JJ took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I shouldn't have snapped at Michael like that." She said remorsefully.

Emily took a tentative step forward. "You're under a lot of stress."

JJ's gaze met Emily's, and for a moment, the raw vulnerability in her eyes took Emily's breath away. "That's not an excuse," JJ whispered. Her eyes swelled with emotion, throat tightening. "I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and the one thing I want more than anything is the one thing I can't have."

Emily's brow furrowed, confusion mingling with a glimmer of fear. "What's that?"

JJ smiled painfully, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You," she rasped out. The weight of the word hung in the air between them. "Every time I'm near you, I feel myself being pulled in…"

Emily shook her head. She felt her heart constrict, anguish and guilt washing over her in waves. "Jay, I'm right here," she whispered back.

"You are but you aren't," JJ said, her voice tinged with frustration. Emily felt her throat constricting with emotion. JJ studied her for a long moment, her expression a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Finally, she released a shuddering breath, her shoulders sagging ever so slightly. "And I know I'm partly to blame but… I miss you," she confessed, her voice cracking with vulnerability.

Emily's breath caught in her throat, hope and longing blossoming in her chest. She took a tentative step closer. JJ held her gaze, her eyes shimmering with a mixture of love and trepidation. Emily took another cautious step, her heart pounding. The air between them felt charged.

"I see how angry you are," Emily began softly. JJ shook her head, but didn't meet Emily's eyes.

"Not at you…" JJ whispered. At least not for this. She added in her head.

"But you're angry," Emily said softly.

JJ stared back at her impassively. Emily waited, but she never said anything back. Emily knew that her diagnosis was going to affect JJ, she'd be a fool to think it wouldn't - but she hadn't expected this. They felt so disconnected. Emily hated the feeling. It reminded her of how she felt before they'd admitted their feelings for each other. Like at any moment the world would prove to her that JJ was never hers to keep.

"I miss you too," Emily finally said.

JJ let out a shaky breath. "He called it a 'contagion,'" JJ whispered. Her voice sounded small and weak.

Emily narrowed her eyes and shook her head in confusion. "Voit?" She asked.

JJ nodded her head. "...infecting me with anger…" Emily listened intently. JJ let out a heavy breath, "I don't know, part of me wonders if he's right," she confessed roughly. "If I'm letting this - this rage and helplessness consume me in all the wrong ways…"

Emily gave her wife a tight, aching smile. JJ shook her head and dropped her eyes from Emily's again. She could feel the tears begin forming in her eyes.

"I am trying, Emily. I promise, I am."

Emily reached out a hand and grabbed JJ's arm. The physical contact was the straw that broke the camel's back. JJ instantly fell into Emily's arms. Emily let out a relieved sigh, hugging her back tightly. They stood there like that in the dim light of the hallway for a long time. Emily squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed slowly comforting circles on JJ's back.

Relief washed over JJ first, the comfort of Emily's arms… she hadn't realized how much she'd been craving this closeness, this connection with her wife. But guilt followed closely behind. Guilt for her anger, for pushing Emily away when they both needed each other most. And underneath it all, a current of fear still ran strong. Fear of losing her, of watching her suffer through treatments, of facing a future without her. The thought made JJ's arms tighten around Emily instinctively.

As Emily rubbed her back, JJ felt a flicker of hope ignite in her chest. But even as she clung to that hope, a nagging voice in the back of her mind reminded her of the conversation they still needed to have. The truth about BAU-gate hung over them like a shadow, and JJ knew she couldn't keep it to herself much longer.

For now, though, JJ pushed those thoughts aside. She focused on the warmth of Emily's body, the steady beat of her heart, the familiar scent that was uniquely her wife. In this moment, in the quiet of their home with their children sleeping nearby, JJ allowed herself to simply be held and to hold on.

"I love you," JJ whispered into Emily's shoulder, her voice muffled but sincere. She felt Emily's arms tighten in response, and for the first time in weeks, JJ felt like they might just be okay.