"Is that... a patronus?" Theda asked in a hushed voice as if she were afraid she might scare the doe off. "Did you cast it?"
Severus said nothing, still entranced by the sight, but the look in his eyes was answer enough. Neither of them moved an inch, each waiting to see what the deer would do. For several moments it just stood there, cocking its head slightly to the side as if trying to assess them both. Theda cautiously stood from her crouched position in front of the grave.
"I don't believe it," Severus finally uttered, finding his voice.
"What?"
"Lily... Lily's patronus," Was all he could muster.
Theda's head snapped back in the direction of the doe which was still standing at the cemetery gates, several meters away.
"How can you be sure?"
"I'd know it anywhere," He replied, his mouth still agape. "Hers is identical to mine."
Theda's eyes widened.
"I've heard that a patronus can sometimes take on a new form after a traumatic event, but I've never known of that actually happening to anyone."
He nodded, his mouth finally closing as he gulped.
"It used to be a mongoose, but when Lily died, it... changed."
The shimmering blue doe suddenly began to walk in their direction, its pace slow and graceful. Severus clutched his wand at his side as he looked around, half expecting this to be some kind of diversion leaving him vulnerable to a sudden attack from somewhere in the darkness between the trees.
"I don't understand... How is this happening?" Theda asked.
"How should I know?" He muttered. "You're the mystic who believes in ghosts walking the earth on the winter solstice."
"I didn't say I believed it, just that many witches and wizards throughout history-"
"Yes, yes, I know!" He interjected. "Either way, you know more about this kind of thing than I do, so I don't know why you're asking me anything."
"I thought perhaps you had said something to her that might have, I don't know... triggered this?"
"No, I didn't. All I said was..." He cut himself short as the doe slowly approached them, her ear twitching slightly as she closely examined them both.
The patronus alternated her gaze several times between the two of them, her occasionally blinking eyes like shimmering pools containing all the secrets of the universe. After she was satisfied with her assessment, she slowly approached the bouquet of delicate blue flowers resting at the foot of the headstone. She gave them a curious sniff before looking up at Theda, her tail wagging ever so slightly.
Theda held the deer's gaze for a moment before politely whispering, "You are so beautiful... Is it alright if I take your picture?"
When the deer did nothing that could be interpreted as any sort of protestation, Theda smiled softly and crouched back down so she and the doe were at eye level. She held the camera up to her eye, focusing the lens as she artfully framed her shot, making sure to get both the doe and the headstone in the photo before clicking the shutter button.
"Thank you," She said gently as she stood back up, her camera hanging by its strap around her neck.
The doe took a step closer before nudging Theda's empty hand with her nose. Theda gave her head a gentle pat as the doe continued to nuzzle into her palm.
Severus continued to stare unblinkingly in a state of awe at the glowing blue figure as he felt he was beginning to understand the significance of this curious portent. Surely, he thought, this was some kind of sign, Lily's will made manifest.
"Amazing," He muttered, his voice soft. "It's almost as if..."
"She's giving us her blessing?" Theda finished for him.
"You think so too?" He asked with an air of doubt in his voice.
"Well, I'm not sure what else it could mean, unless you have another theory?"
He shook his head, a small smile creeping across his face.
"I think it's safe to say that she likes you," He said, observing as the doe continued to nuzzle her head at Theda's side.
"Most animals do," She said as she scratched behind the doe's ear.
"Yes, but this isn't exactly an ordinary animal, is it?"
"I suppose not. I never knew you could touch a patronus... It feels so strange. Almost like a gust of wind; not quite solid, yet you can clearly feel it as it gently grazes your skin. Come see for yourself."
He remained motionless, keeping his distance.
"I'd better not," He whispered, his eyes betraying a hint of trepidation. "I think she's intentionally keeping her distance from me."
"Why would she?"
"She's probably still angry with me... I certainly would be."
"Severus, that's your own feelings of guilt talking. If she's come to give us her blessing, I think it's safe to say she isn't angry."
"Yes, but... How do we know that's what this is about?"
"Don't overintellectualize it. What does your heart tell you?" She asked.
As he quietly contemplated what it was he felt in his heart he found his gaze drifting from the doe to Theda's soft, encouraging smile. He opened his mouth but before he could speak, the doe slowly approached him, leaving Theda's side with a newfound interest in him.
She cautiously stopped just a step or two away from his feet. She didn't move any closer, but she lowered her head, almost seeming to nod in approval.
"I think," He finally answered, "This is my absolution."
Theda slowly approached him, taking his hand in hers, her fingers surprisingly warm as a light shower of snow began to fall once again.
"There you have it. This is confirmation that she forgives you." She smiled up at him. "More than that, I think she truly wants you to find the happiness you've always lacked."
He remained silent, his hand gently squeezing hers as if to say that he was too tired to argue any further.
"The meaning of the doe is obvious," She continued, "But I still don't understand how something like this is even possible."
He held the doe's gaze for a long moment, mesmerized by her knowing stare.
"Perhaps some mysteries are best left to the imagination," He softly replied.
The doe glanced back toward the headstone before turning back to the two of them, watching curiously as Theda rested her head against his shoulder. They stood like that a moment longer until the nearby snapping of a twig seemed to startle the ghostly deer, causing her to scamper away. Severus looked over his shoulder, still cautiously brandishing his wand.
"Is everything alright?" A voice called out in the dark.
Theda looked over to see the shopkeeper who sold her the flowers approaching them from the shadows.
"We're fine, thank you!" She shouted.
"It's awfully cold out," The man gruffly spoke as he continued toward them. As he approached, Severus could see that he was a large, red-faced man with a walrus mustache and a tobacco pipe tucked into the corner of his mouth. "My wife sent me to find you. She was going to give this to you but you left before she had a chance to fetch it from upstairs."
His gaze lingered for a moment on the flowers he'd sold her resting at the foot of the Potter headstone before handing her a thick shawl lined with crushed green velvet and red and gold tassels.
"Oh, wow, it's beautiful!" She said as she eagerly wrapped it around both her shoulders and Severus', desperate for the warmth it offered. "She didn't have to do that. Thank you, Mr... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."
"Fergus."
Theda nodded her head in acknowledgment.
"You have my appreciation, Fergus. And please tell your wife I said 'thank you!'"
"Tell her yourself," He replied with a slight huff. "She's down at the Seven Swans."
"The Seven Swans?" Theda repeated.
"The local pub. I'm headed there now. You can join me if you like. There's a hot cider in it for each of you, on me."
"That won't be necessary," Severus began before Theda cut him off.
"We'd love to."
The stillness of the empty cobblestone streets was explained away the instant they entered the pub, where it seemed the whole town had gathered. A busty barmaid handed them their large mugs of piping hot cider as Fergus left a handful of galleons on the bar.
"Where's that bloody woman nipped off to now?" Fergus mumbled, his eyes searching the room for any trace of his wife. "She said she'd be here."
"No harm done," Theda replied as she warmed her fingers on the sides of her mug. "We're going to have a seat," She continued, noticing Severus' uncomfortable body language, "But please let us know if you find her."
She and Severus made their way to a table in the corner of the room. They sipped their drinks while taking in the ambiance of the pub. The exposed wooden beams were all adorned with beautiful garlands, red ribbons, and wreaths. Floating candles illuminated the room in their warm glow. The air smelled of cinnamon and orange peels. A portion of the floor was opened up for dancing as a piano in the corner began playing a jaunty tune all on its own. Those who weren't dancing were partaking in other various forms of merriment - some sharing stories, others exchanging gifts, while a few pairs off to the side did their best to concentrate on their games of Wizard's Chess despite the raucous environment.
"This is perfect," Theda cheerfully observed as she watched the young men twirling their partners on the dancefloor as onlookers formed a circle around them, clapping and singing along.
Severus was about to quip that the lively display was more or less the epitome of his personal hell, but the sight of Theda so content was enough to persuade him to hold his tongue, not having it in his heart to dampen her spirit.
"So what are our plans for the rest of the trip?" He eventually inquired.
"Wouldn't you prefer that it be a surprise?" She replied.
In truth, the idea of surprises usually filled him with a sense of anxiety and dread, but he knew how much joy the prospect brought her, so he ultimately decided he would trust her to orchestrate whatever it was she had planned.
"Fine, fine... Can I at least know where we're staying tonight? I'm exhausted."
"I thought we'd find accommodations somewhere here in the village."
"Do you think anything will be available this close to Christmas?"
"I don't see why not. I can't imagine many people visiting Godric's Hollow of all places for the holidays. The streets are empty, and it seems like everyone here knows each other, so I assume they're all locals."
"Hmm. We'll see, I suppose. Now, hurry up and finish your cider. I'd like to find a cottage or something before everyone starts to turn in for the night."
"It's barely 7:00, Severus. The night is young."
"It feels much later."
"That's fair, we've had quite a long day."
She began taking bigger sips of her cider, trying to rush for his sake.
"You don't need to gulp it down, just don't sit there nursing it for 30 minutes the way you like to do."
"You know me so well," She chuckled softly.
"That reminds me... Who is this Callum you mentioned earlier?"
"Oh, that's right. I can't believe I've never mentioned him. He was at Hogwarts with Marius, Hugh, and me. We didn't really get to know him until our seventh year, but it was one of those indescribable friendships where it feels like you've known each other forever."
"How did he die, if you don't mind me asking?"
She went quiet for a moment, her gaze pensively drifting to the contents of her mug.
"I'd rather not say... Not tonight, anyway. It's still hard for me to even think about. I'll just say it was very unexpected."
"Of course. Forget I asked," He quickly assured her, not wanting to spoil her cheery mood.
"We never talk about it, the boys and I... As a matter of fact, Callum's death is the reason we didn't speak for nearly ten years. It wasn't that we had a falling out or anything, it just wasn't the same after that. Our friendship just became marred by the constant reminder that one of us was missing."
He nodded, reaching for her hand across the table.
"That must have been hard, losing all three of them as a result."
"It was, but I tried to keep myself busy with work so their absence would be less palpable, which worked pretty well for a time. That being said, it has been nice reconnecting with them in recent months. I think perhaps enough time has passed for us all to have done a bit of healing."
"You seem to attract... A lot of male friends," He observed, a slight hint of insecurity in his voice.
"You're not jealous, are you?" She teased.
"Of course not," He scoffed, trying to sound nonchalant.
"It wasn't intentional," She laughed. "I'd say, if anything, I seem to attract a lot of misfits, being one myself. It just so happens that some of the ones I shared the closest bonds with happened to be male, but I promise I have female friends too, though we've all sort of grown apart."
"Marius and Hugh... They're lovers, yes?"
Theda nodded.
"And this Callum, was he...?"
"Gay?" Theda interjected. "No, he wasn't gay."
"And you two never...?"
Theda shook her head.
"I told you before... Douglas is the only man I've been with."
"You told me he was the only man you ever loved, not necessarily the only man you'd been with."
"A minor technicality," She confirmed. "Either way, both statements are true. He was my only love, and my only partner."
Severus became lost in thought, his mind suddenly replaying what he had accidentally witnessed during Theda's first training session - Theda's first time making love with Douglas. He shifted in his chair, suddenly becoming quite agitated as feelings of insecurity began to flood through his body. While Theda was far less experienced than most people her age, he was even more inexperienced. In truth, he had never so much as held hands with anyone before Theda, let alone...
"Looks like Fergus tracked down his wife," Theda suddenly spoke, jostling Severus out of his spiraling trance. She took one last swig of her cider, emptying the mug. "I'd like to thank her for the shawl, then we can leave."
He rose from his chair, trailing close behind her as she weaved in and out through the crowded room towards the bar.
"You found her!" Theda cheerfully shouted. Severus tried to hold back a small laugh as he realized she was more than a little buzzed off of one mug of cider.
"I'm glad my husband managed to catch you before you wandered too far," The woman spoke. "You're not at all dressed for the snow and I was afraid you'd catch your death."
"I've experienced much worse," Theda responded, a slight chuckle in her voice. "Thank you so much for letting me use your shawl! It's beautiful."
"You're very welcome. Keep it, if you like."
"Are you sure? It looks so well-loved, I wouldn't want to take it if it were a treasured family heirloom or something along those lines."
The woman shook her head dismissively.
"It's no great loss, truly. It hasn't been with me for very long. I bought it at a charity shop because I thought it was so lovely, but to be honest I never wear it. It doesn't suit me as well as it suits you. Keep it, I insist."
Theda smiled gratefully.
"That's very kind of you. This is exactly the kind of thing I would wear. I shall treasure it always."
Fergus grabbed his coat from a hook by the door, his wife sensing he was ready to leave.
"Well then, I think I better say goodnight. Happy Christmas to you both."
With that, the older couple ducked out of the pub.
"What a sweet woman," Theda mused, wrapping her new shawl around her shoulders.
"Yes, quite. She was right, it suits you."
"You think so?" She asked, admiring the detailed embroidering, the ambient light of the candles allowing her to get a better look than she'd been able to manage in the darkened cemetery.
"Oh, most definitely. Now you look every bit the mystic vagabond I know you to be," He teased. "You could open a little shop in Hogsmeade and read people's palms."
"Very funny," She said, rolling her eyes.
"I'm serious," He continued, though it was clear from his tone that he was not serious at all. "We just need to get you a nice headscarf and a crystal ball, maybe some tarot cards..."
"That won't be necessary as I already have a perfectly good deck, thank you very much," She quipped.
"Even better," He continued. "I should have guessed as much, what with your-"
Before he could finish his thought, someone started repeatedly banging their mug on the bar, and a moment later the rest of the pub's patrons were doing the same, a sea of eager faces all staring right at the two of them. Severus searched Theda's eyes in alarm for some clue as to what was happening.
"I think they want us to kiss," Theda quietly spoke, her face quickly reddening.
"What!? Why on earth would you think that?" He asked in a panic, feeling as if the room was suddenly spinning around them.
She nodded up at the ceiling, and to his horror, he realized they'd been caught standing underneath the mistletoe. His heart rate began to skyrocket as she took a step closer to him, taking his hand in hers. The color drained from his face as the rhythmic banging of mugs continued, everyone's eyes fixed on them.
"We don't have to if you don't want to," She whispered reassuringly. "We can make a run for it."
As he parted his lips to respond someone begin to chant, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" It didn't take more than a brief moment before the entire pub was chanting in unison.
Severus' thoughts were running faster than he could keep up with. What did he want? To kiss her, that much was clear to him. But here? Now? Were they really about to have their first kiss here in front of all these people? Was he really about to have his first kiss here in front of all these people?
He suddenly became aware of the dryness of his mouth, the sweatiness of his hands in hers.
No. He couldn't. Not like this. He wanted to run. To dart out the door and disapparate before anyone could stop him. He wanted to hide. This was his worst nightmare. The way they were all staring at him, the chanting, the laughing... It all felt far too familiar. Too much like his recurring nightmares fueled by memories of his childhood years.
Theda gently squeezed his hand, grounding him, breaking him out of the swirling haze of his intrusive thoughts. He caught his breath as he looked into her eyes.
"Just lower your head so I can kiss you on the cheek. That won't be as embarrassing as sprinting out the door," She spoke, just loud enough for him to hear over the continual chanting.
A kiss on the cheek? That didn't sound so bad. But what kind of a man would he be? He'd lived through true horrors most people couldn't even imagine in their wildest dreams. Was he really this scared of a little kiss?
In truth, he was terrified. What if he did something wrong? What if he tried to kiss her and missed? What if everyone could tell he was a bad kisser? What if they could tell he was having his first kiss at 32? What if they all laughed? What if it was enough to make Theda feel sickened by him?
He'd always been insecure about his lack of experience with women, never having admitted the extent of it to anyone, though he was pretty sure Theda had guessed. He felt ashamed. Imasculated. He felt like a child.
He moved a little closer, leaning in, preparing to offer her his cheek. But as he looked into her eyes, he felt himself being pulled in. His vision tunneled, his hearing quieted as he saw her lips begin to part. His mind went completely blank as he allowed his body to take over.
His eyes fluttered closed, but somehow his lips managed to find hers, perfectly locking into place as if they'd rehearsed it a dozen times. His knees weakened, his stomach flipped as he wrapped his arms around her, closing the gap between their bodies. He felt her arms snaking around his neck, her soft lips drawing him even further in. He could taste the cider on her breath, but there was something else too. Something he couldn't quite place. The subtle sweetness of her natural taste, which triggered something primal from within him.
He lost track of time, feeling as though they'd been stuck like that forever, like they'd never been apart. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Eventually, Theda began to pull back, gently breaking the kiss, bringing him back to the middle of the little pub in Godric's Hollow, under the mistletoe, with the woman he just realized he loved.
As he looked around, he was met not with mocking laughing, but with clapping and cheering. His gaze returned to Theda, whose warm smile and affectionate eyes gave him the validation he so desperately needed. He was beaming with pride, which felt as unfamiliar to him as the sincerely joyful smile plasterd across his face.
She pulled him into a tight hug as the other patrons returned their attention to their prior conversations, losing interest now that they'd seen what they wanted to see.
"Miss Desmond..." He softly spoke, his lips just inches from her ear.
She laughed softly.
"I think you can call me Theda now."
They walked together, arm in arm through the little village with no real destination in mind, both still coming down from the adrenaline of their first kiss. They came across a small gazebo along the water, which was little more than a pond but still managed to beautifully reflect the light of the crescent moon as the clouds began to part. Theda took both his hands in hers, playfully spinning around like a child with no sense of decorum before taking a seat under the shelter of the gazebo.
"That was perfect," She laughed. "I definitely wasn't expecting something like that to happen tonight."
"I was expecting it even less," He softly spoke, a content smile on his face.
"I still can't believe our first kiss was in front of all those people," She laughed. "It's been years since I'd kissed anyone. I was afraid I'd forgotten how."
"Really?" He asked, his eyes widening. It had never occurred to him that she might have also been nervous.
She nodded.
"What about you?"
For a moment he considered making up a story in an effort to hide his embarrassment at never having kissed anyone before, but in the end he decided to just come clean.
"That... That was my first kiss," he sheepishly confessed.
"I had a sneaking suspicion," She admitted.
"Was it that obvious?"
"No, no, not at all. In fact, I was surprised. I had assumed it was your first just based on our previous conversations, but you seemed like you knew what you were doing so I was second-guessing myself."
He chuckled softly.
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not lying! That was perfect, truly. Much better than my first kiss with Douglas. Now that was an awkward kiss."
"You'll have to tell me all about it sometime," He said, feeling even more proud now that he knew he'd outperformed Douglas. "But before we get ahead of ourselves, there's something we need to talk about."
Her smile quickly faded, feeling slightly alarmed by the sudden seriousness of his voice.
"What is it?"
"Earlier, when we were back at Spinner's End, I remembered something. Something Lily had said to me years ago."
Her eyes widened as she recalled their earlier conversation.
"Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Are you going to tell me what it was?"
"No."
"Why not? Severus, you-"
He held his hand up, interrupting her protestations with a dismissive gesture.
"I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to show you. Did you happen to pack the pocket pensive I gave you in your little silk bag?"
Theda nodded, opening her bag and removing the ornately carved little box. She opened it up but was surprised when he set his hand down on top of it, closing the lid.
"Before we do this, I... I need to say something."
Theda shot him a curious glance.
"I'm listening."
"There's a lot you still don't know about me. Things I've kept hidden... Things I didn't want you to know. Things no one knows."
The rosy color seemed to drain from Theda's cheeks.
"Why?"
"Because... I was ashamed."
"Severus... You know you can trust me. When have I ever-"
"No, you don't understand." He interjected. "This is different. This isn't one small mistake that can be so easily forgiven. I've done things... Horrible things. Unspeakable, unforgivable things."
Theda's heart sank as she silently processed this sudden shift in the mood.
"What are you talking about?"
He let out a long, frustrated sigh.
"Mere words cannot do it justice. If I were to try to explain it... Well, I would be tempted to skew the details of my actions in order to portray myself in a more favorable light. Even now, I have a hard time admitting to myself the extent of my sins, let alone confessing them to someone else. Especially someone whose good opinion I desperately fear losing."
She moved herself closer to him, gently wrapping her shawl around both their shoulders as they sat on the icy steps. They sat in silence for a few moments, Theda's mind reeling as she began to recall details of their previous interactions that had seemed like nothing significant at the time. Madame Pince's judgemental stare as the two of them perused the library. The fear in the eyes of Neville Longbottom whenever Severus was in the room. The warning Professor Binns had given her back in Hogsmeade.
"You're scaring me, Severus..."
The words stung like ice in his veins, but he knew he deserved much worse.
"I know... I'm scared too. But I need to do this."
"Why now?"
"Because you deserve to know the truth. I've wanted to share these things with you for a while, but I was afraid of what you'd think of me. Even so, it can't be avoided forever. Before this goes any further, you need to know what I am. What I've done. What I'll spend the rest of my life trying to atone for. I'm a sinking ship, Theda. And if, for some insane reason, you still wish to be with me after learning the extent of my mistakes... You risk being pulled down along with me."
She gently took his hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze as she placed the tiny pensive in the other.
"Well... No point in dragging it out. Show me."
His eyes widened.
"I'll never understand you. How can you be so undaunted, after everything I've just said? You should be running for the hills, and yet... You stay, even after I've made it clear that the acts I mean to show you are unspeakable. Why? You could leave now. I'm not forcing you to stay."
"I know."
His eyes began to well with tears.
"...Why? Why are you still here?"
She forced a sad smile.
"You can't build that kind of suspense and then expect me to just walk away."
An incredulous half-smile tugged at his mouth a tear trickled down his cheek. Theda gently wiped it away with her thumb.
"Before we do this, I just want you to know that I intend to reserve my judgments until I've gotten the full story," She stated assuringly.
"Thank you. That's all I ask."