Impasse
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
Prognosis
After undergoing a series of tests, Bella was eventually diagnosed with Dissociative amnesia, a type of dissociative disorder that involved an inability to recall important personal information that would not typically be lost with ordinary forgetting. This disorder was usually caused by trauma or stress. Her diagnosis was based on history after ruling out any other causes of amnesia.
When the consultant sat down with Bella and her parents to give the official diagnosis, she felt like she had already heard it all before. Something tugged at her subconscious, a vague feeling of recognition, of whispered words in the night telling her the exact same thing, like something out of a dream.
"What's the future prognosis?" Charlie had asked, always the practical one. Renee sat next to him, a blubbering mess, as Bella did her best to comfort her.
"Well, Bella has what we term as localized amnesia. This Memory loss affects everything within a short, specific time period in a person's life. However, we are hopeful that her memories will return in time." The consultant explained, trying to put a positive spin on things. This was mainly for Renee's benefit, to calm her anxiety.
"So, my baby girl will eventually be normal again?" Renee pleaded, dabbing at her eyes with the edges of her shirt sleeve.
The consultant looked at Renee skeptically. This was not his first rodeo. He had been forced to deliver bad news to many families during his long, distinguished career, but he had never come across anyone as self-absorbed as this woman. Instead of focusing all her attention on comforting her only child, the child had been forced into the parenting role. Bella was the one affected, it was unnerving watching her soothe the older woman's frazzled nerves. The consultant could see that Renee's histrionics were irritating the woman's ex-husband, who kept shooting her annoyed glances. He was clearly embarrassed by the whole spectacle.
The consultant cleared his throat, brushing aside Renee's ignorant question. "Recovering from something like this is not always a straight forward process." He was speaking directly to Bella now. "You may experience flashbacks. People with dissociative amnesia often develop flashbacks as they regain their memories. A flashback is more than just remembering something unpleasant. People who have had them describe them as reliving a traumatic event or experience to the point where they can't tell it apart from reality."
Bella grimaced when he said this, but she didn't make a fuss. Unlike Renee, who began to sob loudly as if she was the one affected.
"Oh, baby girl, this is terrible."
"I'll be fine, Mom." Bella murmured.
"Ren, calm down." Charlie chided her.
Renee shot him a dearth glare, dabbing at her eyes again, further smudging that black mascara that ran like a black river down her cheeks.
The consultant bit back a weary sigh. He felt sorry for the girl, having such a flighty mother. He had read extensively through Bella's notes and was glad to see that she was currently living with her father. He seemed a much more practical and solid individual. Her future recovery would be much brighter with his support rather than the mother's.
"Is there any medication that Bella should be taking?" Renee piped up. "I mean I take Xanax. Maybe she could – "
"I wouldn't advise Bella taking any kind of medication at this point, Madam." The consultant cut in tersely. "There aren't any medications that can specifically treat dissociative amnesia. But many medications can treat associated conditions, like anxiety or depression. Treatment can help if, and when, memories do resurface. For many, the memories they regain are upsetting or overwhelming. Mental health therapy can help a person cope with those feelings and manage them in a healthy and safe way. We prefer to explore that route first."
Bella hushed her mother when Renee opened her mouth to issue a retort. She was extremely vexed by the interruption. So, to distract her, Bella spoke up herself, finally asking the one question she wanted to answer to.
"How long does dissociative amnesia last?"
The consultant gave her a sympathetic smile. "For some people, dissociative anemia may last weeks or months. For others, it may be permanent. When you're finally discharged your healthcare provider can tell you more about what you may expect with what's happening to you."
"Okay. Thank you." Bella replied politely.
"Well, that's not very helpful." Renee sniffed indignantly, her crocodile tears drying up as her resentment continued to build.
"Ren!" Charlie warned again. "Dial it down!"
"I will not!" Renee snapped back at him. "I am entitled to my say, Charles Swan. You can't tell me what to do. We are not married anymore."
"Thank god." Charlie muttered under his breath.
Bella felt her face burn with mortification as Renee shot Charlie another death glare. She was acting more like a recalcitrant child than normal. She didn't like being told off.
"I just want our daughter to be normal. What's wrong with that?" Renee demanded.
Charlie tensed, his cheeks pulsing with the effort not to yell back at his former wife. He was as embarrassed as Bella at Renee's juvenile behavior. The sooner they left Pheonix and returned to Forks the better. He was sure that his ex-wife had just gotten sillier and more selfish since marrying Phil.
The consultant cleared his throat and continued to speak as if nothing had happened. "I don't think there is such a thing as normal. The outlook for dissociative amnesia is as unique as the person who has it. With treatment, many people can regain their memories, manage the feelings that come with them and continue with life as usual."
"But – "Renee interrupted.
"Mom, please, let him talk." Bella pleaded, finally losing her patience.
Renee's mouth shut like a steel trap. She slumped in her seat, looking very sorry for herself.
The consultant gave Bella another sympathetic smile, which she returned weakly.
"The severity of dissociative amnesia often corresponds to the severity of the underlying cause or contributing factors. The more severe the trauma that causes the amnesia, the more severe the amnesia and its effects will be."
"I see." Bella murmured.
"It's important to remember that this isn't something you can control, Bella." The consultant said. "Your mind does this on its own to try to protect you. You also can't force yourself to remember. Instead, it's best to focus on being patient. Many people regain lost memories with time."
"Okay."
"It's also crucial for you to feel you can trust your mental health provider. Trust is very important to effectively treating and managing the effects of dissociative amnesia. Not everyone "clicks" with the first provider they see. You may feel discouraged if that's the case for you early on. But it's important to remember that this is common, and many people need to see more than one professional before they find someone who's a good "fit" for their needs and personality."
"We'll make sure to explore all the options." Charlie put a steadying hand on Bella's shoulder. She was beginning to look overwhelmed. "We've got a great support network at home. And I'll be there whenever Bells needs me."
"That's good to hear." The consultant smiled, relaxing his posture as the session came to an end. He had many other patients to see. Bella was just one of many. "Well, if that's all?"
"Thank you." Bella said again. "You've been very informative."
"You'll get through this, Bella." The consultant replied encouragingly. "I can see you're a resilient girl. You'll be fine."
"Thanks, Doctor." Charlie shook the consultant's hand.
"You're very welcome. Now I must go." The consultant bid them goodbye and finally took his leave.
"Well, that's good news, isn't it?" Jacob said a little while later. He was perched on the edge of her bed, looking at her enquiringly. "He said you're going to recover."
Bella took a deep breath to calm herself, ignoring the spasm of pain it triggered. She stared at him, and he stared back. There was a look of confusion on his face.
"No." She said slowly. "I'm not."
Jacob's forehead creased. "Of course you are. Don't be so negative. You'll get through this. I'll help you every step of the way. I promise." His warm hand reached for hers.
"You're wrong." Bella insisted. "I won't."
"Really, Bella." Jacob was anxious now. "You'll be out of here in a few days."
Bella gazed up at him despondently. "You misunderstand me. What I mean is I don't want to recover. I don't want to remember. I'm going to try every minute of every day to will myself not to."
Jacob frowned as what she was saying sunk in, his long fingers wrapping around hers gently. "Bells, I don't think it works like that. Why don't you want to remember?"
"Because I'm afraid to." Bella admitted in a pained whisper. "Whatever really happened to me was so traumatic that my brain blocked it out."
Jacob's expression turned grim as he thought this over. "Has Cullen said anything more about what happened? Other than the official version of course."
"I haven't seen him again." Bella was grateful for his warm touch. His thumb was caressing the palm of her hand and she found this action soothing. "Dad's been keeping him away."
"Go Charlie!" Jacob laughed humorlessly.
"Yeah, he's been great. Mom not so much."
"Is she still being difficult?" Jacob sympathized. He had heard all about the long running saga of Renee's most mortifying moments. He couldn't believe that any mother could be so self-centered.
"She's still in a fit of pique with dad. She's not staying in the hospital tonight, instead going home to sleep in our old house. Even though the other day she was terrified to spend the night there because there was a break in nearby."
"It must be tough trying to keep the peace." Jacob commiserated.
"It is." Bella agreed, emitting another weary sigh. "Is it bad that I'm glad I'll be going home to Forks soon? I need a rest from trying to shore up her ego. Its exhausting. Phil can have the pleasure when I'm gone."
"You need the rest. All this arguing isn't good for you." Jacob squeezed her hand in empathy. "How are you feeling now?"
"I'm fine." Bella lied.
"I don't believe you." Jacob said gently.
"Am I that much of an open book?"
"Only to me." Jacob's smile was like a sudden beam of sunlight illuminating the darkest corners of the room. He stood up, reluctantly letting go of her hand. "It's getting late, I better go."
Bella felt forlorn. "I wish you didn't have to. I feel better when you're here."
Jacob's smile widened at that admission. "That's good to know. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise. But I better go before Nurse Ratched calls for security to come and drag me out."
Bella laughed lightly. "Thanks, Jacob."
"For what?"
"For being such a good friend."
"No problem." Jacob gifted her with another one of his sunny smiles. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He finally left, taking all his warmth and sunshine with him.
A/N-thanks for reading!