Mercury. No last name given. A mage who claimed to not only be several decades older than he looked, but also made the ridiculous assertion that he wasn't human.

Many members of Fairy Tail knew him as an odd man who lazed around Magnolia most days and only went on missions when he was in desperate for money; this information was also backed up by the man himself, who often found himself lying in the guild hall and complaining about the cost of living being higher than it used to be as though to further flaunt his suspicious identity – despite this, his wallet was never empty, and his tab never reached too large of a tally.

For all intents and purposes, he was a Fairy Tail mage – it was just that he showed up one day several years ago, claiming to be one of them, and nobody knew him. Surely there was no way for a man who nobody recognized, not even Macao and Wakaba (and everyone knew that they had been there the longest, save Gildarts), to be a real member, right?

He had the guild's marking, and Master Makarov apparently did have a way of checking if one was officially a member. Actually, it was less of a 'check,' and more of just a, "God, who let you back here?" and there was no more discussion to be had about it.

When asked how long Mercury had been in the guild, he usually dodged the question. When someone did drag an answer out, it was more often than not merely a joke – "Go ask your grandmother," or "What do you mean? I've always been in the guild" – but sometimes, very rarely, did Mercury get that wistful look on his face that gave away a great deal of history, as though he was walking down memory lane.

And despite his claims of not being human, there was very little to prove them. Sure, his face seemed to remain young, and his body never seemed to grow or change, but he had two arms, two legs, and whatever else a human would have.

If you asked the group that used to be his former team, though, they'd nod and say, "There's no way that guy's human," as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

But the original suspicion that he'd faced in the past was now long gone, replaced with disinterest. He was a Fairy Tail member. No one doubted that much – even if his guild emblem hadn't been hidden beneath his shirt, there was no way a man as eccentric as him wouldn't be a Fairy Tail mage.

Though, any new members would probably just peg him as a lazy man who acted more like a decoration most days.

And now here he was, doing exactly that.

It was a peaceful day – no Natsu, who'd been off on a job, and no Erza, who had also been called away on an S-Class mission specifically requesting her. Mercury was at his usual position since becoming inactive: the bar. It just felt so nice to have a place to relax, and it wasn't every day that the guild was this quiet, either. He knew he better make as much use as he could before Natsu returned and all hell broke loose.

Sure, he could relax at home, but where was the fun in that? His house was boring. Stale. He was the only one there. It didn't have the feeling of aliveness that the guild had.

The guild was the one place that he felt truly at home in Magnolia.

He fell into a peaceful sort of dozing that could only be done at the guild. Ah, if only he was allowed up on the second floor; Laxus had told him that there was a couch up there somewhere. It would have been nice to sleep on it, if only to say that he had done it.

When, with mild annoyance, Mercury heard the door slam open, he knew that his peaceful days were at their end. He generally was a pretty light sleeper, but even the heaviest of dozers would wake when they heard swell of chaos rising just after Natsu slammed inside like a rocket

With his head to the table, there wasn't much he could see, but he could most certainly imagine what was going on; Natsu was definitely one of the more predictable members of the guild.

First, Natsu would jump forward with his flaming fists, and then either Gray would attempt to intercept. They claimed that their rivalry was not due to their magic natures, but Mercury had an odd sort of feeling that if they'd been born using different magic, it wouldn't have been nearly as severe. Regardless, Gray would soon lose his clothes, assuming he hadn't already, and Elfman would insert himself into the fight under the guise of manliness, thus dragging in whoever happened to be nearby, including Cana, Loke, and Laki.

Cana sighed heavily at the sight - it seemed like she'd get dragged in rather quickly today.

But Fairy Tail had no idea what was in store for them today. Only Mercury was aware of the fact that the Master was upstairs going over paperwork, and "hell breaking loose" wouldn't be close to describing what was soon to happen. In fact, Mercury had already briefly gone over the stack of red envelopes that had come in the mail, pulling out the ones that were deemed less important, completing what was needed and filing them away in the cluster-fuck of a room Master called an office before the slightly younger man had even woken up that morning.

And he had left that heavy stack describing exactly what had gone down in the previous week right in the middle of Master's desk. All of the little "incidents" that Fairy Tail found themselves in.

Of course, the Master would never actually be mad at his family, not for something as small as this. Even if Natsu had destroyed an unprecedented number of unrelated houses, a historic clock tower, a church, damaged a castle, completely ruined an entire astronomical observatory, and demolished a major trading port.

Which Natsu had, in fact, done.

It was then that Mercury's attentive ears picked up on something new, something strange. A woman – and a new one at that. She must have entered at the same time as Natsu, meaning she came with him.

Holy hell and lord above, if there was one, Natsu had come here with a woman.

Did Mercury even want to know what the kid had done to drag her along? Natsu always acted like he hadn't interacted with a woman in his whole life - which, granted, was probably true. The kid had been raised by a dragon, after all, and Mercury doubted a dragon father would ever find a way to give "the Talk" in a normal, human manner.

And he knew for a fact no one in Fairy Tail had given it either.

(Gildarts had tried. He fell under the weight of every single other male in the guild, including Master Makarov, because no one wanted Natsu to turn out like the man who would make a pass at anything with breasts.)

Instead of sitting up, Mercury listened to the new girl and Mira exchange pleasantries; the blue cat that always followed their fire dragon slayer was also there, but when was he not? A day without hearing Happy chatter about nonsense was like a day without seeing the sun.

Through his spot face down at the table, the water mage felt the way that the floorboards and wooden walls shuttered as the Master used his magic to grow to an unbelievable size. It had always been incredibly ironic to him that a man who was so small could use magic to magnify his size, and it was something that Mercury often teased Makarov about when they were both in a good mood.

As predicted, he called out the most problematic members, said, "to hell with the magic council", and gave a short motivational speech that ignited the passion of the young mages down below.

All in a day's work for the Master.

Makarov came down afterwards and spoke with the new girl – Lucy, as she was introduced – and Mercury figured he should probably give himself an introduction as well. Wouldn't want her to think he was just a lump at the bar, after all.

Even if he… kind of was.

Mercury sat up, trying to push away any remaining sleepiness with a half-faked yawn. It probably was not the best look for new members, but it wasn't as though he cared; the reputation of people like Natsu far exceeded anything a nobody like him could ever hope to achieve, so it wasn't a risk to behave a little silly once in a while.

Or, uh, all the time. It wasn't like Mercury was trying to impress anyone.

He took a quick glance around to see that everything was just as it was when he'd gone to sleep. Cana was returning to her keg, and Mira was still behind the bar, turning to dispense whatever beer Master had requested.

The only difference, he noted, was that there was a new blonde girl sitting on Makrov's other side.

Mercury took a brief glance at the woman – the girl, he realized. He wasn't great at guessing ages, but there was no way she was older than eighteen. She was blonde, as noted, but also had brown eyes, and her hair was pulled up in a style not too different from his own; though, while his was out of habit and convenience, her hairstyle looked to be as though she wore it like that because it was cute.

She was cute, but, like in the way a little sister or a daughter was cute.

The water mage mumbled a quiet "yeah" to Mira asking if he was fully awake. He wasn't. His back ached, and that was entirely his own fault.

Then again, it always ached because of something. Did he get to pull the, "I'm old" card yet?

"I had a dream that the guild got in trouble again, and Master started lecturing us until he got bored. And then he went on his usual rant about magic and the council," Mercury joked, wiping the last of his remaining sleepiness out of his eyes.

If that didn't wake him up, the enormous fist that slammed into his head a moment later did.

"Ouch."

It didn't actually hurt. Just kind of…. Stung, enough that Mercury could tell that Master actually was a little bit annoyed about the whole thing.

Well, who wouldn't be, knowing that they would surely have to play the innocent fool to the Magic Council to get out of all the trouble they'd caused?

And, surely, they'd be letting Councilman Yajima dine here for free for the near future, too.

"So you were awake. What do I keep you around for if not to keep those brats in line?"

"My wonderful personality?" No, a wonderful personality was exactly what he was lacking. If anything, his sole role in the guild these days was definitely to help Master do the paperwork.

Mercury braced himself for another smack, closing his eyes briefly, but the Master chose to start working on his third beer of the night.

Wow, he was stressed.

"Lucy," Mira called for the blonde, "this is Mercury. He's a useless man who does nothing but hang around the guild."

"Hey, hey," Mercury interjected, "don't go telling her that. I'm on break." Right after the effort to get up and introduce himself, too.

"And how long have you been on break for?"

He hadn't come up with an answer for that one, even if Mira was just kidding. It had been quite a long time since he'd gone out in the field, hadn't it? Could he possibly get through this entire story without going on a single job the entire time?

Despite his introduction already being messed up, Mercury decided it couldn't get any worse if he gave her his actual introduction. He reached out a hand between Master Makarov's eyes and the rest of his beer, waiting expectantly for Lucy to shake it.

After a moment of thought, she did. Well, it would have been especially awkward if she hadn't.

"My name is Mercury. You can call me Merc, or Yuri, if that's cooler. I'm ninety-seven years old, and I primarily use water magic. Nice to meet you, Lucy," Mercury gave his normal introduction.

To her credit, she didn't look too surprised. It usually took a moment for people's brains to catch up to their ears after his introduction; some even skipped over the "ninety-seven years old" bit entirely. Most thought he was joking.

But he most definitely was not.

Her eyes widened in shock as the expected thought process clicked in her mind. 'This guy can't be older than 30!' or something along the lines of that - that was what most people said when they actually realized what he said. She turned to Mira for confirmation.

"If you're wondering whether what he says is true, it is."

Mercury could always count on Mira to defend his honor. If he was going to be called a liar, he'd rather it be for an actual lie he got caught in; at least, that way it would be true.

He still had his reputation to keep up, though, so he thought he'd take it a little further. "Why does no one ever believe me?" Mercury said dramatically. He sat back a little further, stretching what was left of his aches out of his back.

"You look like you can be my grandchild, you fool. Nobody's going to believe you if it sounds like such an obvious lie!"

"Then… how can I convince other people?" Mercury did his best to pretend to be hurt, channeling his inner Romeo so that it looked like he might start to cry. He wouldn't, of course; Mercury's tear ducts had long run dry.

"You can start off with–"

"Now, Master, he's just trying to rile you up," Mira sighed, even though she never got tired of the act, either. "Hasn't he done this enough times that you're used to it?"

Master sputtered, "I – you – Merc!" His face had already begun to turn a brilliant red, though not from shame. From alcohol.

Master Makarov was an alcoholic if Mercury had ever seen one. He kept that piece of information to himself though.

"You're calling me a fool now, too? Have you picked up all of your mannerisms from Porlyusica, or are you trying something new?" Mercury taunted.

The guildmaster was already slurring his words. Maybe Mira should force him to quit drinking, especially if he was going to be such a lightweight about it, but then again, wasn't this so much funnier?

"I," Makarov coughed, "have not spoken to that woman in years. I'd have more luck speaking to a dictionary, because at least that has words other than 'fool,' 'idiot,' and 'nincompoop' in it."

"But a dictionary doesn't have that face of hers that you find so cute."

"It doesn't matter if it's lacking her face, as long as I don't have to hear her prattle on about why I'm destined to die early!"

Makarov did not deny that he thought Porlyusica's face was cute.

Mercury heard the tail end of a comment, knowing it was about him but not what had been said. At least, he assumed it was a compliment; Mira probably wouldn't just stand by if he was being slandered so easily like that, especially by a new member. "Don't let him hear you say that, Lucy, or you're going to inflate his ego even further."

He laughed. Lucy probably wasn't going to insult him, but Mira sure would.

"Too late. My ego's already larger than you can handle."

And as though anyone was talking to him anymore, Makarov said, "Yeah, well, screw you." Happy took that as his shot to jump in, too, beaming as much as a cat could while saying, "Any bigger, and Mercury's head is gonna blow up!"

That was a little far.

"Yeah, yeah, my ego's huge – don'tyou have to go make sure Natsu doesn't go steal your fish or something?"

"Gosh, you're right!" Just like that, Happy flew off.

He was too predictable. Annoyingly so, sometimes, but at least he was cute enough that Mercury could usually forgive him for it.

"To answer your question though, Lucy, there's a real reason why Mercury looks so young," Mira said. The barkeep made direct, pointed eye contact with the water mage, to which he just gave her a simple shrug.

Lucy seemed like a good girl already. She wasn't loud or obnoxious like… well, ninety percent of Fairy Tail, so she was already part of Mercury's nice list. That being said, he wasn't very good at understanding the true nature of people from a short conversation like this one.

He'd already been tricked enough by that sort of thing.

"You and Master have both given your seal of approval, so I don't mind if you tell her. You're both much better judges of character than me," he explained.

"You'd be a better judge of character if you stopped relying on Mira to do it for you!" Makarov retorted.

"Maybe you should take your own advice, Master. Weren't you waiting for Mira to say anything before you came down? I find it really odd that you waited until right after she introduced Lucy to go on your little rant."

"So you were just pretending to sleep –"

"No, I was asleep alright. You're just so easy to predict that I can do it with my eyes closed."

"Don't you get uppity with me, brat! Don't you forget that though you're technically older than I am, you're still young enough to be my grandson!"

It was nice, arguing with Makarov. He got snippy, but never enough to be intentionally scathing or rude; neither Mercury nor Makarov ever intended real harm on each other, even if their "discussions" could get a bit…

Intense? Was that the right word for it?

But neither he or Makarov had their hearts totally in it today. Mercury was half listening to him, half listening to Lucy's reaction, and he thought that the guildmaster was probably doing the same.

Though Lucy looked like a sweet girl, how would she react to knowing that one of the members of the guild she'd just joined wasn't human?

How many humans chose to simply reject what they saw, rather than admit that something was different from them?

Lucy didn't seem like she cared.

There was the obvious shock, and denial – Mercury would give anyone that, regardless of whether or not he was worried they'd listen – but after that, she just seemed to… accept it? Nod and move on?

Or maybe she'd just never gotten a moment to think about it, because just after Mira stopped talking, a chair slammed into the barkeep's head. She crumpled like a wet paper doll.

And Lucy looked horrified.

"M-Mira?!" She jumped around the bar and desperately tried to pull the woman up like they were in a soap opera.

Mira would be fine. She may not have been able to use magic very well anymore, but she was as sturdy as a brick wall and hit just as hard as one, too.

"So," he turned back to Makarov, who was starting to droop. Again, Mercury was stunned by how much of a lightweight the man was, "I see you didn't mention the incident regarding Lizard's Tail?"

Mercury left that letter right on top of the pile in Makarov's office. Intentionally, actually, though Makarov had chosen not to bring it up.

"Don't even get me started on that boy," the guildmaster hissed.

"He's your grandson."

"Yes, but he was your friend, too. I'm not taking full responsibility for this one."

Well, then who would?

"Pretty sure you told me that if I'm going to start another fight with him, I shouldn't talk to him at all if I can help it," Mercury muttered, remembering the last interaction he'd had with the lightning dragon slayer. It hadn't been peaceful. "Do you want me to go try to teach him a lesson or something?"

The very thought of having to interact with Laxus put a grimace on his face.

"No," Makarov said after a moment of thinking, "he needs to figure things out on his own. But I do wish he had someone around that wasn't encouraging his antics."

If you could call wiping out a dark guild to the point where not a single person was recognizable mere 'antics.' Even the Magic Council, who was famous for not caring about the status of dark guild members so long as they were brought to prison, had sent Fairy Tail a request to tone it down. Laxus was growing more cruel by the day, it seemed.

"Right. Well, he's going to have to grow up sometime," Mercury mused. "I can't have been the only one to tell him to piss off with his crappy attitude."

Actually, maybe he was; everyone else seemed too terrified to do anything about it, or wasn't around long enough to cross paths with the dragon slayer.

"I worry about that," Makarov admitted. He was much too tired and drunk to continue the conversation about his problem child grandson, though, and put his head on the bar counter much like Mercury had been doing recently.

And Mercury would never admit it, but he was worried, too. It was just a problem that they'd have to wait out. He felt like things were being put into motion that even he could not predict.