Inuyasha and I met in kindergarten. We were almost inseparable. We shared everything from snacks to toys, played together and even took naps together. Everything was fine till it wasn't. Things had become difficult at home when my father got laid off and mom would work late nights and long hours just to help my father make ends meet. Sometimes they fought, quietly so I wouldn't notice but I'd hear the harshness in their hushed tones through the walls of my room when they thought I was sleeping.
The school had planned a Flower festival. It was a little cute activity for us children to draw or make things with flowers and leaves and I made my best friend a flower crown. I used some vines from the side of the house and some white and blue flowers from the neighbour's garden. It took some time and multiple tries but I got it done. I thought it looked good and I knew he would like it. I wanted to show my father what I'd done. Maybe it'd cheer him up, I thought.
" Dad, look what I made for Inuyasha for the festival! It's a flower crown." I say, smiling proudly at my handy work while handing it to my father.
Nothing prepared me for him to rip it apart or the slap that followed. The force of it knocked me back, causing me to hit my head against the wall.
"What the fuck is this girlie shit you're pestering me about? Why the fuck would you make this? And for that kid? Always running your mouth about the kid. I didn't raise a fucking ******! He shouted. He grabbed my hair and pulled me along to my room, throwing me onto my bed. I curled in on myself, covering my head with my arms as I feared he would hit me again.
" If I ever hear you talk about that kid again, I'll beat some sense into you!" He shouted again before slamming the door, leaving me in total darkness. I cried myself to sleep that night as quietly as I could, hoping not to anger him again.
I didn't go to school that week, telling my mother I was sick and not feeling well with persistent headaches.
From then on, I didn't speak to Inuyasha, didn't play with him or share my toys. Didn't sleep next to him when it was nap time or even ate with him at lunch. I still remember the look on his face when I pushed him away, confusion and sadness in his eyes, not knowing what he had done to cause my wrath. I blamed him for my abuse. I thought if I hadn't made that crown for him, this wouldn't have started.
When mom wasn't around, my father would push me, slamming me into anything with a hard enough surface as he screamed at me for every little thing I did wrong or nothing at all.
Elementary school was no different but I tried harder to stay out of my father's way. I still hadn't said anything to my mother. My father's eyes held a promise worse than the abuse he was already subjecting me to so I just blamed whatever bruise she saw on my own clumsiness or roughhousing with the other kids at school. I tried to stay away from Inuyasha as well but I'd always catch him staring at me so I'd throw whatever I got my hands on at him to make him stop.
I feared when my father would pick me up and tell me to sit in the front. It was easier for him to shove and punch me against the door on our way home. He was always screaming, always shouting in my ears and it gave me terrible headaches before and after the drive to and from school.
When things got better and my father finally got a job, mom told him she was leaving him and thankfully taking me with her. And of course, he didn't take that very well. When we moved out I told mom about some of the things my father did and said to me. She cried with me in her arms, mumbling apologies for not being more present but I didn't blame her. She was only trying to hold our home together. It was my fault.
We had moved to a neighbourhood that was closer to the school with my aunt Mirai. It was even in walking distance so if mom couldn't pick me up, my aunt would.
So imagine my horror when I saw my father waiting by his car. Why was he here? I thought he was gone for good? I had known peace for a short while but it was ripped away from me again as the fear and anxiety came back in full force. I couldn't move, even as my legs started to shake.
I jumped when I felt a hand grab mine, pulling me forward.
"Come on! Let's go through the back." Inuyasha said, weaving me through the other kids as we ducked under the bush surrounding the school.
" Why are you helping me?" I asked, after I ducked through an opening in the fence leasing to a road behind the premises.
"Because your dad looks extra scary and-and he hasn't picked you up in a while so I thought that was weird. Just get out of here, okay? There's a nice old lady named Kaede at the yellow house around the corner that way," he said pointing up the gap and to the right. "She always lets the kids hang around while she's out in the garden. I'll let your mom know where you are. Just stay there and don't leave."
And with that, he went back through the space in the fence. I didn't get to say thank you even though his attempt at helping was short lived the second my father's car almost knocked me over at the top of the street. The ringing in my ears stopped me from hearing the profanities he screamed my way. curled in on myself again but it didn't protect me from the punches or kicks he let into me. I blacked out after a particular hard kick to my head, later waking up in a hospital. I don't know how I got there. Didn't understand why my mother and aunt were crying around me. I just knew I wanted to forget. Forgetting was better than coping with this reality.
I think I did when I heard my father was sent to prison. Felt something lift from my shoulders when I heard he died of cancer in prison years later. He probably blamed me for that, for ruining his life. I kept pushing it all down, bottling it up for a life where he wasn't here to hurt me.
I didn't need help. I could do this on my own. Just ignore your stupid emotions. You're stupid and you're stupid for letting this get to you again.
Pathetic. Useless. Pathetic. Useless. Pathetic.
Cut that shit out.
The world was spinning when I opened my eyes, rubbing them to correct the haze. It was dark now. I could hear buzzing coming from somewhere and muffled voices from behind the door. Everything was hazy and slow as I sat up from the floor. My body and head ached as if I had relieved the day my father had attacked but it's nothing I can't handle.
Schooling my expression, I picked myself up off the floor and opened the door. Sango and Kagura rushed me, wrapping their arms around my neck and torso. Sango was still apologising, both with tears in their eyes.
Great, we made them worry. Good job, Miroku.
" Guys, I'm fine. I just….needed a minute."
" Love, it's been 3 hours. We've been here trying to get you to open the door. You wouldn't answer your phone either."
" I'm sorry, Miroku. I didn't- I didn't mean to-"
" Guys, guys, please! Just calm down. I-I promise I'm fine," I say trying hard not to let my voice shake.
The sound of feet running quickly came from the stairwell before Inuyasha rounded the corner, panting.
Had he run all the way here?
" We tried to call Inuyasha but he was in an exam earlier," said Sango
"You didn't need to do that, I. Am. Fine."
"No. You. Aren't." Inuyasha quickly added.
"Will you butt out for once?!" I snapped back at him.
" Girls, can I have Miroku alone? Take a break and I'll call you guys in the morning."
" Look, how about we just get something to eat and I'll-I'll be e-even better." I tried to hold onto them but they gently pushed my hands away.
" Please, don't fight him, Miroku," Sango begged.
"Inuyasha, try to be gentle with him," Kagura said as she pulled the tearful Sango away and down the stairwell.
Neither of us moved, staring each other down. The tension's silence filling the space only snapping the second Inuyasha took a step forward. I dashed inside my room, almost getting the door shut but he was quick to block it with his foot, pushing his way in.
I pushed against him, trying to get him out of my way but he tackled me onto my bed.
" I am not fighting you," he grunted.
"What? I'm not worth the challenge anymore?"
I kicked at his legs and pushed against his shoulders as hard as I could but he pressed back.
" You think I can't tell you're shutting down. Fighting would be better than dealing with your feelings."
"Shut up!"
"I'll shut up when you stop shutting me out."
I managed to flip him off of me and the bed and booked it for the door but the bastard was quicker, grabbing my legs and making me fall to the floor.
" Leave me the fuck alone already!" I shout, trying to crawl away, only for him to pin me to my stomach with his weight and arms wrapped around my torso.
" I'm done leaving you alone because you'd just suffer in your own self deprecating thoughts!"
"What the fuck do you know?!" I say, still struggling against his hold
" I know enough! I know you need to cry and get help."
" I don't need help. I don't need to cry and I don't need you! Stop trying to take care of me! I can do this on my own!"
" I will not stop! Even if I have to tie your hands and feet and drag you to the psychiatrist in the morning. I am not going anywhere. I won't leave you. I won't fight you anymore. You've been doing this for as long as we've known each other. You always pick a fight over the smallest thing just so you don't have to deal with your own pain!"
I paused after hearing. Couldn't handle being called out like this.
"That's- that's not-"
" I know because when you pick a fight with me, you'd have new bruises or a limp. You thought you hid them from everyone else but I saw them."
" Stop-"
" You talk in your sleep, Miroku. I've heard you talk to yourself the same way he did. You're not pathetic, you aren't useless or stupid or whatever else he called you. He's wrong . He's always been fucking wrong.
" Inuyahsa, please stop," my struggling was getting weaker the more he spoke. I can feel my eyes water with a heavy emotion and it still hurts.
"I've seen you open up and make friends. You would have never done that before. How could you call yourself stupid or pathetic? Kagome told me you had the whole year eating out the palm of your hands cause you're the only one who takes brilliant notes and is always ahead. That's how I knew you were avoiding me."
Not wanting to ask for help has its benefits sometimes. I tried to be perfect and concise with my work and it filtered in the way I took notes. Someone saw my notes and asked to borrow them. And suddenly I had 16 other students and counting begging for copies.
But that was small and -
" It doesn't matter how small or insignificant you think it is. I know you've opened up cause you smile so much more. All the little things you don't take note of made you softer. So please, Miroku. Don't shut me out again. It'll feel good to let -" Inuyasha paused his whispers at the sound of my sobbing, my shoulders beginning to shake. The tears dripped and ran heavily to the floor below me as I cried.
Inuyasha lifted himself from off my back and pulled me up with him to sit upright, to lean against him. I tried to cover my mouth to quiet my sobs but he pulled my hand away to tangle our fingers together.
" It's just me and you. Just let it out. You're doing so good, Miroku."
I wailed. I sobbed.
I pushed all the bottled up pain, hurt, frustration and sadness out and cried.
It felt like I cried for hours and Inuyasha did not leave, just whispered more comforting words that I didn't know I needed to hear.