AN : / I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. You might think I'm going a little fast regarding the processing of emotions (or not^^) .
Jax helped me again on this chapter.
That night, sitting on the porch of her house, Arizona cried herself to sleep in her ex-wife's arms, as she allowed herself to feel all the emotions and pain she had been hiding for years.
When she felt the blonde was deeply asleep and totally exhausted by the emotional storm she just underwent, Callie stood up slowly and carefully, carrying the vulnerable woman inside.
She laid her down on the couch, grabbing a comforter from Travis's room and covered Arizona with it.
She was about to leave with tears rolling down her cheeks she turned to look at Arizona
« I'm sorry, for everything... » she whispered. « I wish we'd done things the right way, but we messed it up. »
….
The following days had been busy for both women. Callie was looking for a new place. She couldn't get herself to stay in the apartment she once shared with Penny.
Those days were over, and she was questioning herself about why she had fallen for the redheaded woman. She was confused and remembered what Arizona told her the other night.
Her ex-wife had admitted to herself that she was still in love with her just a few weeks prior. Was that right? Was it even possible?
Of course, she still had feelings for Arizona, but were they really the same feelings that she felt before?
Before Terry's death, before they failed each other and their family blew apart?
Because those fateful events didn't stop her feeling things for other people, She went on dates, she had some one night stands, before eventually settling with Penny.
Had she loved Penny? Mark had always told her it wasn't love, that she was just flattered that a younger woman was into her and that she knew how to manipulate Callie, playing on her unresolved issues.
She had enjoyed her life with Penny, at first. She was easy, funny and everything was fresh and exciting.
But was it true love?
She needed to be honest with herself if she wanted to move forward. Arizona's words echoed in her mind again. Accepting the truth to move forward.
Arizona needed to accept the fact she was still in love with the woman who had hurt her so many times, and it couldn't have been that easy.
No one had hurt Callie the way Arizona did too. But it was time to move past the pain, the anger, and the loss.
Callie eventually found a three-bedroom condo not too far from the hospital. She was relieved to be settling down and to be able to have her children with her.
Arizona had been really exhausted for several days after her break down. It had taken her a lot of energy to get back to work and above all to face the moments she shared with her ex-wife.
Callie apparently still cared and even if she was still not sure about her feelings, it felt good to know.
She had thrown herself into her work trying to get her mind busy. But she had allowed herself to think about Terry, about the time she got to spend with her beautiful son and even if it still hurt, for the first time, she felt grateful.
As soon as the realization hit her, she knew she had to talk to her ex-wife.
They had a lot of unresolved tension and feelings to talk about. And it was more than time to do it.
It would help both of them to move forward with their lives, and it would ease their relationship for their children's sake.
….
Callie was smiling. Her children were at her new apartment and they were running everywhere, carefree, looking at everything and discovering their new bedrooms.
« It's so cool Mama! My room has a big window. I love it ! » Travis hugged his mother. « It's awesome! »
The words made Callie smile a little more.
« I want a room for Mommy. » Olivia said sadly as she joined them on the brand-new couch in the lounge.
« Liv', baby you know that Mommy has her own house where she lives with Granny, and I have my new apartment where I live, you know that right? » Callie explained.
« Why I never live with you two? » The little girl cried. « Travis live with mommy and you in another house when he was a baby. I see the pictures I want that too. »
« Oh, my baby, come here... » Callie opened her arms and welcomed her crying daughter. « I'm so sorry sweetie. I know it's hard sometimes and me and Mommy are trying to do the best for you. I know something that will make you feel better. »
Both kids raised their heads in surprise.
« We are going to the indoor playground with mommy this afternoon! How about that? »
« Yay! »
…...
As they arrived at the playground, Arizona was already there.
She was wearing a simple black and white flannelled shirt with dark blue jeans and brown boots, and for the first time in years, Callie saw her smiling widely as their children ran to meet her.
As Callie approached, Arizona's smile grew more nervous, but it was still here.
« Hi » she greeted the brunette
« Hello there... » Callie nervously replied. « So, this is the new place to be when you're under 10? »
« Yes! All my friends are talking about it! » Travis smiled. « Thank you, thank you! »
« Let's get inside! » Callie continued as Olivia settled between her moms and took both their hands.
The family entered and Arizona gave some instruction to Travis and Olivia before letting them go play.
« Me and Mama will be just there, and we will be watching you all the time, okay? »
« Okay mama! » Travis excitedly said before kissing her on the cheek and leaving with his sister to discover the new play area.
The two women watched them running, both children looking very happy.
« Let's go grab a coffee? » Callie asked, unsure of her ex-wife answer.
« Sure... »
They ordered their beverages and settled in the parent's corner where they could watch their children.
Callie put her coffee cup on the table and took her laptop from her bag.
« Don't mind if I do this here? I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on... » Callie asked Arizona. She didn't want to argue with her or to play a game of silence for the time remaining.
« Oh... Sure, go on. » Arizona replied, visibly not thinking Callie would act like that.
Noticing the hint of disappointment in the blonde's tone, Callie put the laptop back in her bag, not knowing what to expect.
« You know what, it can wait... » Callie stated. « There's no urgency. »
Arizona smiled nervously and took a sip of her coffee, avoiding Callie's eyes looking expectantly at her.
A silence settled between the two women, both of them wanted to talk but were nervous to begin the talk they knew they needed to have.
« I'm sorry... » Arizona broke the awkwardness. « I'm sorry for the other day. I shouldn't have been so vindictive to you when we were at the restaurant. All... My feelings for you are not your fault. »
« Don't be sorry... »
« Please let me finish... I know it's not your strongest suit but please, hear me out. »
Arizona's comment made Callie smile.
« Thank you for putting me in my place, you know... I was so self-absorbed I... It made me process a lot of things I was keeping hidden. It wasn't like an epiphany, but it made me realise things... » Arizona said, her eyes filling with tears.
« We don't have to do this now. » Callie said.
« I think I have. I have to admit some things I was not able to admit, but some things you were right about. » Arizona explained as Callie knitted her eyebrows.
« I'm listening », the brunette sincerely said.
Arizona looked in her ex-wife's eyes and saw nothing but compassion. She was about to say out loud something she never thought would.
She closed her eyes and inhaled heavily, trying to stop tears from falling. Now was the time.
« I forgive you Callie... » Arizona said. « I forgive you for everything I felt you put our family through. Because I have always put the fault on you. I wasn't able to see how my behaviour had affected you and the kids. I... I didn't do it on purpose of course, but still. It was easier blaming you for pushing us to keep Terry, it was easier blaming you for sending divorce papers to me without talking to me. But I was not myself, and I don't think I've been myself ever since. But what happened the other night, I don't know... It made me realise that I was as responsible as you in that disaster. »
Arizona sighed and looked at Callie who was sitting in front of her, stunned by the unexpected words she had been waiting to hear for so long.
Arizona took Callie's hand in hers and added. « I hope that one day, you'll be able to forgive me and that we will be able to co parent those two as a great team. »
Callie, with tears in her eyes, stood up suddenly and walked out of the building as fast as she could. She felt like she was in the twilight zone.
A few weeks ago, she was living with her redhead girlfriend, barely speaking to her ex-wife, and out of nowhere, three years of anger, sadness, guilt and reproaches were asked to be forgiven.
Was it real? Was she dreaming?