Thank you again for your kind messages! For those of you asking if there is more - yes! I wrote the story in lockdown as a passion project with no intention to publish as it was an anxiety distraction. That same anxiety kept me from publishing for four years but I decided I wanted to share it! So there will be a few more days of editing but hopefully should have the complete story up in the next couple of weeks! I hope you all enjoy!
It's a month later when I meet up with Grace alone. It has been ever so peaceful, given I haven't heard from Christian once. The document filed by Judy led to much commenting online, people seemingly confused by the complete lack of details. She kept the figures and custody details from the published version. I really don't care what people think. Christian hasn't seen his children once, nor has he made any bid to. Of course, Elliott has seen them plenty with Kate and Grace and Carrick have been round on two occasions to visit.
Grace has invited me for afternoon tea at trendy bar in Seattle and I have decided to join her. I've left the house on very few occasions since the ruling. I don't like journalists coming up to me and sticking cameras and microphones in my face trying to get an understanding of the ruling. Grey doesn't seem to like it either. He threw one camera to the floor when pushed too hard whilst trying to get into a meeting with a potential acquisition.
"So how are you getting on?" Grace asks me as I give her a smile. "Honestly Ana."
"Things are good. I love having the kids around. I'm excited for the next one. And I've met a lovely man called Errol," I say with a broader smile.
I sense a look of disappointment on her face. Surely she must know there is no way that Christian and I will ever get back together? The man nearly broke me. "Errol?" She asks. "That's an unusual name."
"He's lovely. It's early days. But we've had a good few dates. And he's been looking after me so well with the pregnancy," I continue. Grace still doesn't look happy.
"What about Christian?" Grace asks me as I stare at her. "I don't mean for dating. I mean that he's not involved with the pregnancy," she clarifies quickly. Oh good. She doesn't expect me to take her love rat son who also happens to be verbally abusive back.
"Christian knew where he stood after arbitration," I shrug. There is truly nothing more to say. If Christian wants to disclose the details of the arbitration to Grace that is entirely up to him. I have nothing to hide.
"But couldn't he maybe come to a scan? Or see the children occasionally?" She presses as I shake my head.
"I have sole custody. That isn't really how it works," I say, an edge now in my voice. "You know nothing about your son," I say looking to her firmly. My blue eyes are defiant.
"I'm sure he hasn't been the best husband. I know he worked a lot and wasn't happy with the idea of a third baby but-"
"No Grace. They're excuses. Christian was cheating on me," I say angrily. Grace looks horrified. I can see hurt in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" She is desperately clinging to some notion her son isn't a monster. That she can't bear the fact the little boy she raised has done this to his wife.
"In that I caught him at it, yes," I look at her dead in the eyes. I am abrupt and serious. Her eyes are swimming with tears.
"This is all my fault," she says starting to sob. "We should have tried harder. Got him more therapy" She picks up a napkin from the table to dad her eyes.
I shake my head. "This isn't your fault Grace. But Christian has not been a good husband. He's not a good person. Period. I'm sorry."
Grace dabs at her eyes again, careful not to remove her carefully applied make up.
"Ana, I don't want to know why Christian agreed to sole custody. I know there is a video. I think I now understand what it is. I don't want details, he's my son," Grace sighs. "But please let him apply for custody without humiliating him."
"Humiliating him? Grace what do you think he's done to me?" I can't hide the hurt in my voice. I've always loved Grace. I even offered to still let her see her grandchildren. She knows who her son is. She's seen the monster he can be. Can she really not understand why I want to keep my children from him?
"Ana, I know. I know Christian has treated you terribly. But he loves his children," she looks at me imploringly. "They love him too. And anything you release, it will hurt them too. Please Ana," Grace's voice is wavering. I've never seen her so genuinely upset.
"Fine. Let him file for custody. But it'll be visitation. He's not having joint custody," I say firmly. I see relief wash over Grace but there is a stabbing in my stomach, my chest unbelievably tight.
Christian doesn't mess around with his filing. He has clearly been waiting for go for some time as when I sit down the following afternoon, I receive a call from Dora. "Ana can you switch on your TV? It's going out live now. We've just heard," she says gently as I turn on News 24.
"I'm stood outside the superior court in Seattle where earlier today, local entrepreneur Christian Grey has filed for joint legal and shared physical custody of his children. Mr Grey and his ex wife, Anastasia Steele, finalised their divorce privately last month and no settlements were made public. Mr Grey's filing today confirms sole custody was granted to Mrs Steele in their multi-billion dollar settlement. In the hearing today, which lasted just 21 minutes, Mr Grey and his solicitor went before a judge to file for access to the former couple's two young children, Theodore and Phoebe, and a third unborn child who is expected this spring. The case is expected to be heard later this month in front of the superior court."
The reporter finishes and I flick the TV off in disgust. One of the reasons I wanted a private settlement was to protect our kids from this kind of attention. I sip a glass of Diet Coke and silence my phone as Kate tries to call.
The funk continues as we await the court date. I can't leave the house, I'm too anxious to see any media. I don't see Grace and Carrick any more. Kate comes round. Ray visits regularly. But I don't have the energy to see anyone. I am miserable. Scared that I will lose my children to the monster I just faced in the arbitration at Foxglove LLP.
The 28th February arrives and for the first time, I am expected in court. Grey was so keen to keep this out of court yet he is the one who has brought us here. I am taken into court with Dora and Euan and sit on one side of the court room in a pew. The court is closed as it is a child custody case. Kate and Ray are both there for me and my stomach drops further when I see Grace and Carrick are sat on Christian's side of the court room. They both smile warmly at me but I don't return it.
The first time I see Christian Grey in nearly two months he looks almost ghoul like. He is pale and looks like he has died a thousand deaths. I'm shocked. I never thought he was that bothered about his children. He is in a smart grey suit, a blue tie the only colour to his otherwise monochrome outfit. He is flanked by two lawyers I don't recognise although I expect Foxglove must be somewhere around. He walks past me without turning his head.
As he sits in the pew opposite me I notice his fingers for the first time. They are bloody around each nail, with the exception of the ones covered by plasters and I know he has been chewing them. I am shocked he has done this to himself, that he has let this previously occasional habit take over in such a way. The blood is dry but they are raw and look painful. He is chewing a thumb as he sits. He doesn't look my way at all, one of his solicitors gives a quick glance in my direction.
Even with his fingers the way they are, I feel nothing but disdain for this man. Nothing but fury that he is daring to challenge the custody arrangement, the only thing I wanted out of our divorce settlement. He doesn't rest back in the seat like his usual cocky self, he sits upright, waiting for a judge to arrive. I realise I have no idea what case he is planning to present and unlike in our divorce proceedings, I feel on the back foot.
We rise as the judge arrives. Grey has two solicitors, neither of whom I recognise. One is a man who is perhaps early 30s, the other a woman in her 40s. The woman has dark hair tied in a tight bun, the man has brown hair and is good looking. I wonder where Foxglove and Stein have disappeared to.
"Please sit," the judge says as we take our seats again. "We are here to listen to the case of Mr Christian Grey's bid for joint legal and physical custody of Theodore Raymond Grey and Phoebe Grace Grey. Miss Anastasia Steele currently holds sole physical and legal custody. Can I confirm both parties are present?" Euan stands and confirms my presence. The male lawyer confirms Grey's.
"Who is representing Christian?' I whisper to Dora.
"That's Ryker Foxglove, a senior counsel at Foxglove LLP and Jemma Sachs, of Harts Green. They do mostly child custody cases," Dora confirms to me as I look at them. I understand the inclusion of a custody lawyer given the case but I am surprised that Grey doesn't at least have Stein by his side. Did he really piss them off that much in our arbitration?
Ryker stands to start the case for Grey. "My client would like to speak and give a personal statement in his bid for custody." My stomach clenches. Grey is standing up and holding some papers in his heavily plastered fingers. He has a look I have never seen on his face before. Could it be anxiety?
"Thank you for taking the time to hear our case today," Grey begins slowly, sounding almost uncertain. I didn't expect to be hearing his voice again so soon and it sends chills through me. "I wanted to talk about why I am requesting custody today," he is glancing at the sheet and back up to the judge. She seems to already by feeling sympathy for him from the concerned look on her face. I glance sideways at Dora who looks far from impressed.
"Almost five years ago, I became a father for the first time when my little boy Theodore was born," he says, his voice still slow and steady. Seriously, he's playing the emotional tugging at your heartstrings card? I know he will know we were expecting a female judge and has set this up accordingly.
"Becoming a father is the best thing that ever happened to me, and Theodore and Phoebe are the most important things in my life. When I lost custody last month I felt shattered." Oh cry me a river, Grey.
"I know that my behaviour during my marriage to Miss Steele fell short of being a good or even adequate husband. But I do believe I have been, and am, a good father and I want to be a part of my three children's life, when my youngest is born in May," he continues. His voice catches. It actually catches. Is Grey going to cry in court for this?
"I think that having their father in their life will benefit them. I am requesting a joint custody arrangement so that I can be there for them as they go from toddlers to grade school to teenagers and become young adults. I cannot imagine not being a part of their life and if the past month has taught me anything, I don't want them not to be a part of mine," his voice catches again. Grey has not written this, I am sure of it. Jemma has written it and just had Grey read it to garner sympathy.
"Thank you, your honour," he says sitting down.
"Thank you, Mr Grey," the judge says giving him an encouraging smile. I shake my head as Euan looks thoroughly unimpressed. My anxiety balloons as Jemma continues presenting his case, before Euan and Dora present ours. I don't speak and Grey doesn't speak again. He just sits there, examining his fingers. His elbows are on the desk, his head is bowed. He looks a broken man but still I cannot help thinking it is an act.
As the cases are finished, the judge thanks both legal teams and looks at us both. "I can see that you have both worked on well rounded cases and I appreciate your time in doing this," she continues. I cannot look at her. I can't look at him. I just stare straight ahead.
"Having heard the cases in full today, my ruling would be that Mr Grey and Miss Steele share joint legal and physical custody of both Theodore and Phoebe, as well as the third child when he or she is born."
Tears start to splash down my face. In my peripheral vision I see Grey looking at his legal team in delight. "In practice, I think Mr Grey will need to be understanding of some flexibility over how this will work in the case of child number 3 as I think it would be a reasonable expectation that certainly as a newborn, the child will spend the vast majority of time with its' mother, although I think a 50/50 split is and remains appropriate for Theodore and Phoebe." I gasp and he looks my way finally. His eyes may appear sincere but there is a brooding look of malice etched onto his face. I look away at once.
"My final recommendation would be both parties sit and have a discussion about how the arrangement will work in practice for the benefit of their two young children," the judge concludes.
"I'm so sorry, Ana," Euan says as he rubs my back gently as the judge leaves. Kate comes around to hug me tightly, Ray has his arm on my shoulder. The Grey party is leaving out of the far door without interacting with me. I can see Euan and Dora are disappointed, not just for me but with the judge as well.
Grey doesn't talk to any of the waiting reporters, which doesn't surprise me. He forcibly pushes one camera out of his face as he walks between Taylor and Sawyer to his car. I see him disappear into the back of the car outside of the court house and that is my last glimpse for the next week.
The following Monday I am back at the offices of Mardell & Co. Euan proposed it as he felt it would attract less media attention than Foxglove LLP and Grey's lawyers seemed to be on board. Kate drives me to the office and parks around the back. The black Audi Q7 is already there, which means Grey has arrived.
I am fully prepared to run into Grey but I am unprepared to find him stood by the back doors of the building with Taylor. Grey is smoking a simple cigarette. In all the time I have known Grey, I have never seen him smoke and I am shocked. It is clearly not his first time smoking as he doesn't seem to be struggling at all. What shocks me the most is how vehemently he has been against it in the past, disgusted by the fact his birth mother did.
He stares straight ahead as Kate and I walk past. His fingers no longer have plasters but there is still a significant amount of scabbing. His nails are clean at least and not marked from smoking.
"He smokes now?" I mutter to Kate as we enter the building and she shrugs a little.
"Elliott said his mom had told him. Apparently he's up to about 20 a day at the moment," Kate explains as we walk up the boardroom. We head in, Ryker and Jemma stood outside.
"And he's changed his entire legal team," I muse to Kate as I take a seat in the oak panelled room. There is a painted fire place at one end. All the chairs are green leather back and comfy. There is no TV for Grey to smash off the wall in this board room.
Kate smirks at me. "Well you know why that is, don't you?" She says, her usual Kavanagh lightness contagious.
"Because he needed custody specialists?" I say as I set my papers down, hanging my navy blue felt jacket on the peg.
Kate laughs. "You obviously don't know Grey as well as you think. Directly after the arbitration he fucked Felicity in her office at Foxglove LLP. Her father was unimpressed and is refusing to work with him."
I am shocked. Grey has never shown an interest in blonds. Nor a vanilla relationship. Or whatever fucking his legal associates is. "But what about his… predilections?"
"I think he just wanted to unwind the only way he knows how," Kate says with a snigger as she sits next to me. She quickly wipes the smile off her face as Euan and Dora join us, exchanging pleasantries before Grey arrives with his new legal team.
Grey today isn't wearing a tie. He has a pressed white shirt under a plain grey suit. His hair is a little longer than the previous week and it looks like he has bothered to comb it into a style. His hands are in his pockets and I can smell smoke coming off him. So he now smokes and fucks random women? Blond women. The last blond woman that I know of that Grey was intimate with was Elena Lincoln. I shudder at the thought.
"Anastasia, Miss Kavanagh," Grey mutters in our direction before shaking hands with Euan and Dora. He is curt with them as he takes a seat, setting down a couple of pieces of paper in front of him and looking down. He clasps his hands in his lap.
"Thank you for your case last week," Euan begins. Ryker is warmer than his father and Stein. He gives me a kind smile which I do not return. He has a MacBook in front of him and is clearly opening up his files. "So per the judge's recommendation, we are meeting today to sort a custody arrangement that works."
Jemma clears her throat. "Yes, we think the legal aspect is probably the best place to start," she begins. Euan looks surprised but doesn't interject. "Mr Grey is keen to express his desire to keep the children in private education and that they both start kindergarten at The Little School as previously agreed, Theodore this September, Phoebe in September 2019."
Dora makes a note. "I believe Miss Steele is happy to continue with a private education. However, a different school has already been chosen for Theodore which is more suitably located in relation to Mrs Grey's new home."
Grey looks up. "You don't live near me any more?" He asks me directly, his tone accusatory.
"She still lives near Seattle," Dora says firmly as Grey continues to look at me.
"Where?" He presses. "You don't have permission to move my children away from me. We've just got joint custody," he snaps slightly at the end.
"I moved in November, Christian," I say calmly to him. "I live near the Puget Sound. In Olympia."
"Why?" He barks at me. He's pissed.
"What do you mean why? I found a nice house and it is closer to Ray and to Errol's school," I continue as calm as I can manage. This man is ridiculous. We're divorced and he still thinks he has a say in where I reside.
"Who the fuck is Errol?" Any sense of calmness is gone from his voice. I feel like he is going to jump up in a minute. Euan's face is unimpressed. Ryker looks totally unsurprised but I can see Jemma is baffled.
"He's a man I'm seeing," I say slowly. "Not that it really concerns you," I add.
"You're seeing someone? And you want to move closer to him?" Grey is snapping at me and we haven't even been sat in the room for ten minutes. Clearly he has not been on his crazy stalkery as he would have known all this and it wouldn't be coming as such as a shock to him.
"Mr Grey," Ryker interjects. "This has no bearing on our case. Just be quiet. You can have your say soon," he adds to placate him. Grey glares at him before fixing his smouldering gaze back on me, almost willing me to drop dead. "Ms Chattall, please continue."
"As I was saying, Mrs Grey has chosen a school which is closer proximity to herself, which is St Michael School, an excellent elementary school," she continues. "I am sure Mr Grey will be able to take a tour."
Jemma looks up. "Well this is something that needs to be reviewed. I'm afraid Miss Steele can no longer make these decisions alone and Mr Grey has a joint input on his children's education." I got the measure of her wrong, I think darkly as Grey gives me a simpering smirk. I ignore him.
"I suggest Mr Grey take a visit then," Dora replies smoothly. "As you wanted to start with legal custody. Healthcare."
"Mr Grey will continue to pay for the children's healthcare under the scheme through his business, Grey Enterprise Holdings if Miss Steele is comfortable with this?" Ryker confirms which Dora agrees to. "In terms of religious upbringing, at this stage the children are being raised as agnostic, which is Mr Grey's continued preference. Is this something that needs a conversation?" He asks.
"It does not," Grey snaps slightly as I shake my head.
"I intend to continue to raise them in this manner," I say with a small sigh. Kate and Elliott raise their children in the church, much like Christian was and I can't help but admire it. Grey was always dead against it and it isn't something I had even considered until today. I'm not going to bring that up right now however. I'm sure it's an argument Grey and I can enjoy on another day.
"So physical custody," Dora continues.
"Yes, the judge recommends 50-50 so we just need to work out days," Jemma says firmly as Grey gives me a spiteful glance.
"I think given the age of the children that may be ambitious," Dora says firmly. "I think given Mr Grey's schedule it would be best suited they are only in his physical custody when he feels he can be readily available. Farming it out to a nanny will not benefit the children at their age."
"Fuck you!" Grey snaps at her. I see Ryker grab Grey's knee under the desk to physically restrain him from standing up. "I have a right to have the children 50% of the time."
"Not if you speak like that you don't," Ryker mutters and I want to laugh. Jemma gives Ryker daggers.
"50-50 is fair," she continues. "We were going to propose they stay with Mr Grey from pick up on Wednesday and return to Mrs Grey on Saturday evening. That way they each have a weekend day and a split of the week."
"No," I say shakily. "I can't not see them for nearly 4 whole days." Kate rubs my arm and I can see Christian glaring at Ryker, still smarting from his earlier comment. I suspect Ryker doesn't want to work with Grey any more than his father does, probably also unimpressed with Grey's behaviour with Felicity. I sense all ties with Foxglove LLP will be severed after this meeting.
"I would suggest, based on attachment psychology, if days are to be divided equally, there is more of a mix. It will not do children of 4 and 2 any good to be away from their mother for that extended period," Dora continues.
"But they can be away from their father?" Jemma challenges Dora.
"If you have read the details of the discovery we shared with you, you will see Miss Steele and the nanny, Hope, are sole caregivers. Mr Grey just puts his head in occasionally," Dora says nastily.
I listen to the back and forth, my anxiety increasing. Grey is jumping in, mostly to swear at Dora and Ryker but is it going nowhere. Kate looks about to say something when I interject.
"I want to speak to Christian," my voice is barely more than a whisper as I hold back tears. "Please," I look up at his face. He looks surprised by my request, his eyebrows shooting up.
"Mr Grey, I would advise you against this," Jemma says at once but he doesn't turn to look at her.
"I'll have a word with Anastasia," he says as he stands slowly. Euan offers us his office. Grey holds the door for me as we leave the room. We walk in silence to Euan's office and Grey sits uncertainly on the side of the desk looking at me.
The smoke smell has faded and he smells more like his usual self, the Creed coming through. He's rested on the desk, his hands holding the wood of the side.
"Please don't take my children, Christian." I'm crying now, stood there in front of him trying to cover my face. He doesn't move.
"Do you want to sit down?" He suggests, indicating a chair in front of Euan's desk. I shake my head.
"Please Christian, don't do this. Please," I whisper. "I can't be without them."
"Ana, I know you think I'm just being awful. But I do love them too. I really do," he murmurs as my shoulders shake.
"But you're never there. You'll be at work most of the time. Please Christian, you can't," I sob harder. "Please."
I hear him sigh. I can't see his face but he loosens his grip on the desk. "Can I have one weekend day? I'll pick them up in the morning and return them in the evening. Then maybe one night after school they stay over and I drop them the next morning?"
I let out the loudest sob yet and then bury myself in his chest. I don't know why. I do know why. Overwhelming gratitude. His chest smells just like him. He hesitates a little then wraps his arms around me. "It's okay," he says rubbing my back. I feel his lips in my hair. Not in a romantic way. More like he may kiss one of his children.
"Thank you," I whisper against him as his strong hands continue to rub my back.
"Please may I come to the birth?" He asks me quietly. "I'd like to be there."
"Yes, yes of course," I murmur back into his chest. I know I would never have agreed if it wasn't for him being reasonable about the days. But the fact he hasn't taken my children from me, I'd have probably agreed to marry him again if he'd asked just now.
"Do you think we should head back in?" He suggests gently to me. I'm aware my arms are around his waist, under his suit jacket. He doesn't seem to be flinching with me touching him. But I can tell from his eagerness to move he still hates me. His brief moment of compassion doesn't change that.
I nod eventually and he holds the door for me as we head back in. Grey explains what we have agreed as Kate holds my hand under the table. Even she seems surprised by Grey's actions.
"But that isn't what the judge recommended. A 50-50 custody arrangement is what was advised. Mr Grey. I strongly advise you reconsider as these are your rights that are being rescinded," Jemma says at once. Grey doesn't look at her as he is whispering to Ryker who is typing up the arrangement on his MacBook.
"This isn't legally binding. We are simply here to help facilitate," Dora reminds her testily as Jemma glares back at her. I can't help but wonder what the history is here because they seem to hate one another.
"But this is not what the judge recommended is in the children's best interests," Jemma retorts quickly.
"But it is sensible," Grey says finally with a sigh. "I am at work a lot. I get to see them twice a week. Anastasia can be a lot more readily available. And things will probably evolve as they get older," he continues.
"Mr Grey. I think that might be the first sensible thing I have heard you say," Euan says, making me and Kate laugh. Jemma looks unimpressed as Grey shoots Euan a sardonic look.
"So are we done here?" Grey asks standing up. He offers me his hand for the first time at one of these meetings and I shake it briefly, before he shakes both of my legal team's hands. He leaves with Ryker, Jemma still huffing behind them both. I intrinsically dare her to have a go at him about it and see where it gets her.
"How did you get him to agree?" Kate asks me once everyone has left. "Did you suck him off in there?"
"Oh, Kate, that is disgusting!" I exclaim loudly but can't help but laugh as I pull my jacket back on. No, I'm not happy to miss two days a week with my children. But it is only one bedtime. And a lot better than it could have been. I feel like a weight has been lifted.