There are two big occasions not long after the birth of Harry that means I have to spend additional time with Grey. After what I told his mother, he has made no attempt to communicate with me at all. Pick up and drop offs have been done solely via Hope or Taylor, or else family have helped out. If it wasn't for the fact the children disappear for two days a week Grey may as well not exist.
Sooner or later though, I do have to see him. The first of these is our eldest's 5th birthday. Teddy wants a space themed birthday party and given I am only 3 weeks postpartum, I have handed the reins over to Christian on this one. Of course, I say Christian but what I of course mean is that his people will have done the work, but I'm sure he will have been happy to sign off on the check.
Christian has met Harry on 3 occasions since his birth, on all occasions the visits have lasted around 2 hours and overseen by Kate, as I am not ready to be part from my newborn for longer yet. Grey has been surprisingly understanding about this as far as I am aware, although as Kate has collected Harry and brought him back on each occasion, I haven't had to communicate with the man himself. Communication regarding Teddy's birthday has been done through Kate or Grace as well, but I know that I will not be able to avoid seeing him at the party.
Kate is helping me get the children ready for the party and comes into the living room as I am breast feeding Harry. She has the car seat all ready for him. "You know you could have brought Errol today," she suggests as she gathers up a bag for Harry.
"I'm not even thinking about introducing him to the children yet Kate. And it's Teddy's birthday. This is about him," I tell her for what feels like the thousandth time. Teddy and Phoebe have had so much to adjust to since last September, moving homes, seeing then not seeing then seeing their father again as well as a new baby sibling. Introducing a boyfriend simply isn't fair.
Kate gives me a small smile as I burp Harry. "But he's allowed to meet Harry," she says warmly as she reaches to take my second son.
"Harry isn't quite going to register," I say with a small smile as she starts to buckle him into the car seat for me. Kate has been a godsend these last couple of weeks. For the first week, my mom came, but she had to return to Georgia for Bob after a week. Ray has been around a lot but Kate has been happy to stay nights and help me out. I never anticipated being a single parent would be so difficult. Not that Christian was a huge amount of help, but we did have Hope around. She has continued to be retained by Christian but I finally get to be a mother my way. I'm not squandering the opportunity of not having a nanny. I get six months maternity and that will give us plenty of time to adjust.
The venue Christian has chosen is a large warehouse in central Seattle. I park up outside, quite a few cars I recognise already there. I cannot see the fleet of Audis however so I assume Grey has yet to arrive. Grace greets me right away, hurrying over to give me a hug and take Harry for a cuddle. Carrick heads over, kissing my cheek.
Things have been incredibly awkward with Grace since my admission at the birth. I am sure she is mortified about the confession but I think her actual discomfort comes from worrying about what I suffered at the hands of her son. She no longer seems to be trying to be team Christian and actually seems to have registered that Grey Jr is not the idyllic husband she had hoped he was. I of course haven't seen her interact with Christian but I am sure I would certainly enjoy that.
"Happy birthday, son," Carrick says warmly to Teddy, cutting through my train of thought as he scoops my now five year old up. We head inside to a brightly lit atrium with coffee machines for the parents and comfy chairs. I speak to a few of the other moms from Teddy's daycare while he plays with them. The host comes to speak to me about a few things.
I feel a tug at my sleeve. "Where is daddy?" Teddy asks me, chewing his lip. His huge blue eyes are wide as he looks around the room. The million dollar question. Where is Christian Grey?
"He'll be here soon," I say soothingly, really hoping it is true. Not for me of course. My ideal would be to never see the man again. But Teddy really needs him to put in an appearance. The host is telling me they are ready to start and given the restlessness of the kids in the waiting room, I am keen to move through.
"I'll give him a call," Grace tells me with a smile as she heads to call Christian. So she is on speaking terms with him. Teddy goes back to his friends but I can see him repeatedly glancing at the door, willing his father to come through it. I sorely hope he is not going to be disappointed. Grace's face as she walks back over tells me he will be.
"He said he's caught up with something," she says quietly, angled away from Teddy.
"Did his highness deign to say what?" Kate snaps right away. Which was my thoughts exactly except I wouldn't have blurted it out in earshot of Teddy.
"I think a work call. He says start without him," Grace looks saddened as she has to deliver the message. Unlike Kate, I don't shoot the messenger but my heart is constricting for Teddy. I can see in his face he knows.
I walk over to Teddy, crouching down to his height. "Daddy is stuck in some traffic," I tell him gently, smoothing his curly red hair for him. "But he's going to be here very soon. Shall we go and see the room while we wait?"
I can see tears in his eyes straight away. I put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I don't want to go in without daddy," Teddy says tearfully.
"I know, I don't either," I say softly. Lying through my teeth of course. Grey not being here is ideal for me but it absolutely breaks my heart for my first born. I can see genuine anguish in his face. But I can't let the day slip. "Daddy will get here as soon as he possibly can. You know he will," I continue to lie to Teddy, feeling horrible, especially as I have no idea when Christian may put in an appearance. "So shall we go see what we have and then we can show daddy when he gets here?"
Teddy chews his lip. His concerned little face looks so much like his father's when he's trying to work something out. "Okay," he agrees eventually taking my hand.
The host leads us to the main doors and swings them open. The theming is impeccable. The ceiling is lit with stars and a huge soft play area has been set up, each object themed to look like a different planet. There is food laid out which is all in keeping, with all the food named appropriately, "Sunshine Lemonade" and star shaped sandwiches. There is an enormous cake in the shape of a spaceship. I can tell Teddy and his friends are awed as they run to play.
While they are on the soft play, I hope Teddy has forgotten his father is missing for a few minutes. Kate's face is thunderous as she watches Ava climb up a slope. I sigh, keeping in sight of Teddy but pulling my phone out to call public enemy number one. It rings twice. Then goes to voicemail. The arsehole has the audacity to blank my call.
"Wait until I get my hands on him," Kate says through gritted teeth.
"Just, not in here," I say firmly as I try again. The arsehole pulls the exact same trick. Grace is hovering nearby. "Did he give a time?" I ask her, keeping my voice calm and collected. I know she is still upset deep down I took his children from him. Maybe now she understands why… I think darkly.
"He just said he'd leave as soon as he could," she says with an apologetic look.
"He's not fucking left?" Kate says way too loudly. One of the other mom's does not look impressed. But right now I don't care. Escala is at least an hour from here in traffic. How long can I actually stall Teddy?
I try Grey again. And again. Half an hour passes before he texts me. Wrapping up. Nothing else. Just two words. My fingers are shaking. There's an itinerary to this day. They're sitting down for sandwiches and party food in half an hour. If he misses the cake I think I may actually have to murder him. I show Kate the text.
"Some people don't deserve sperm," she spits. Elliott is heading in our direction. I know given I let slip to Grace about Christian's hobbies that she has also told him. He has not reacted in front of me. I didn't really expect him to. Elliott hates Christian for what he has done to me but I know when Elliott looks at Grey he still sees the broken little boy he once was.
"He may not have any when I'm done with him," I hiss back. Elliott looks at me, clearly awaiting my verdict. "Has he spoken to you?" I ask him, far too aggressively.
"No, I've been trying to call him. I think he's actually blocked me," Elliott says, trying to laugh. He demonstrates ringing Christian. Straight to voicemail. This is not how I envisioned spending Teddy's big day. I move away from our huddle in the corner and join Teddy on the soft play. Ray is helping Phoebe through a tunnel. If she has noticed her father is missing it isn't evident.
"Annie," Ray says warmly. With the usual Grey shenanigans this has been our first chance to speak. "Phoebe has been telling me all about her usual soft play she goes to," he says gently, rubbing his granddaughter's back.
"Can I go on the big one?" Phoebe points at the highest piece of equipment.
"Gosh, do you think Grandad will make it up?" My step dad teases her as she beams.
"Yes! We can go together!" She shouts, running as Ray takes off after her. I manage a smile as I watch them but it fades quickly. Teddy is watching the door again. I see him spot me and walk over.
"Where is daddy?" He asks and I can sense tears on the way again. I get down to his level, my arm around him.
"Well, daddy says the traffic is really bad. He is doing his very best. He keeps calling me," I continue to him gently.
"What did he say?" Teddy asks me, his beautiful blue eyes meeting mine.
"He says he so so sorry and he's really sad he's missing the big day. But he's going to be here so soon." I mean who actually knows when Christian will be here. Wrapping up is hardly a useful definition of time.
All too soon, everyone is having lunch. Teddy is sat on Ray's lap as he eats a sandwich. I use the moment to try Grey again. Nothing. It doesn't even ring. Either his phone is off or like Elliott suggested, he has blocked us. I know it is highly unlikely the former, Grey's phone is never off. He is constantly on, waiting for his next deal.
I try and try to stall the cake but by 3.30, over an hour since Grey's message, I know it is no use anymore. Grace keeps telling me he is on the way but I am doubtful he is actually being any more communicative with her than he is with me. As they dip the lights I hold Teddy on my lap. He won't stop checking the door. Again and again.
We sing and he blows the candles out and his wish breaks my heart. It is barely audible. "I wish daddy will be here for my sixth birthday." Tears are in my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks. I rub his shoulders, letting him blow out the last candles before the cake is taken away to be cut. I see Grace and Carrick head out and I know they're looking for his car.
Elliott leans over my shoulder and shows me his phone. It is a text from Taylor, timed at 3.39. About 15 minutes away, Elliott.
I shake my head. I need some air but I can't also leave our son on his birthday. I take a deep breath, helping Teddy and Phoebe each get set up with a piece of cake. "Shall I save a piece for daddy?" Teddy asks me. His voice is full of defeat.
"Daddy is so nearly here. He'll have some cake," I say squeezing his shoulder. At least Taylor on his military time will be accurate. I don't actually believe he would lie about something as important as this.
Teddy finishes his cake and follows a friend back to the soft play. A lot of the children and parents are starting to leave. Grace and Carrick are back in, clearly with no sign of Christian. I see Kate head for the door and smirk a little. If he arrives now, he will certainly regret being late. I move to help Phoebe climb up a slope, helping her down the slide when the door finally opens.
He is there. Face is brooding. He's dressed in black dress pants and a white shirt which Gail has clearly pressed. It's obviously for his work conference as even Christian Grey wouldn't attend a five year old's birthday party dressed like this. Or attend the last few minutes of it. Kate has him by the shoulder of his shirt and appears to have half dragged him in.
Teddy spots him and stops at the top of the slide. He doesn't move to go to his father. Christian shoves his hands in his pockets and moves to clear the room to Teddy. Everyone is watching him and I can tell he is uncomfortable with the attention. As Grey reaches him Teddy crawls backwards into the soft play, away from his father. My heart constricts.
"Right, show's over," Elliott says quickly, moving to encourage people back for more sandwiches as I try to say goodbye to one of the moms. I'm watching out of the corner of my eye as Grey tries to talk to our soon. It's pretty obvious Teddy has moved further out of reach.
You could go in there with him, Grey, I think as I watch him try and talk to Teddy through the netting of the soft play. I expect he's trying his business negotiation skills, not talking to a five year old boy. I spot Teddy higher up, his knees up to his chest and I know he is crying. I can't see Grey's face but I can tell from the way his shoulders have sagged he is defeated. Grace walks over to stand next to her youngest son. I can't hear what they're saying.
Grey's next moves appear hesitant. He bends down and removes his dress shoes before standing and assessing the situation again. Grace has clearly told him to get into the jungle maze of the soft play and I can tell he is not thrilled. Why he needed to be told to do that I'm really unsure. Clearly he is going to have to go to Teddy's level and speak to him. I roll my eyes at Kate as we watch Grey. She has an unmistakable grin forming on her face, excited to see the Christian Grey clamber in a children's gym.
Grey pushes his hair back before crawling into the first tunnel. I would love to see his face as his body language alone tells me how much he is hating every second of crawling up the slope and along the upstairs passageway, made to look like Saturn's rings, to get over to Teddy. Elliott may have initially tried to divert attention but we're all watching now. All the friends have gone and it's just me, Ray, Kate and Elliott and Grey's parents. Waiting.
Grey is in there for an eternity. Kate and Elliott are grinning at each other, I can tell Carrick is amused. Grace matches my worried expression, but it's for Teddy, not Grey. Although I am silently willing Grey to get stuck. None of the other parents have attempted to crawl this high. The top tunnel where Teddy is is definitely child friendly only. After an eternity they both emerge. Teddy encouraging his father down the slide.
My little boy looks happier, more relaxed and is holding his father's hand. I don't know what Grey has said but somehow he's worked his usual magic and got his eldest back on side. I'm so disappointed in Christian. Disappointed and angry.
"Daddy says we can all go for a birthday dinner tonight," Teddy says brightly as he heads over, hand in hand with father of the year. Kate looks pissed, I don't think Elliott or Carrick are thrilled. Grace of course wraps them both in an embrace. I love Grace but I can't help but feel agitated by her reaction.
"So where are we going?" She asks Teddy directly.
"Daddy says I can choose," he beams at her.
"That's great Ted. Can I just borrow Daddy for a few minutes?" I say, trying to hide the edge in my voice. Grey's eyes shoot to my face. Teddy might not be able to tell the smile is fake but his father sure as hell can. Grey narrows his eyes, a look of anger on his face.
"Ted and I are just going to-" he begins, that voice that once sounded like melted caramel gut punching me.
"Christian, we're speaking outside, now," my voice is more dangerous that I ever imagined it could be.
"Excuse me a second, Ted." Grey grabs his shoes, sliding them on as he follows me. I'm walking at a pace. I'm sure sparks must be flying from my heels.
I march outside, into the carpark. As soon as the door closes, I turn to face him. His glinting grey eyes are adjusting to the sunlight. He pushes his hair back. "What?" He asks testily.
"What? What? Are you fucking serious Christian?" I shout at him and he looks around fervently, trying to spot photographers.
"Keep your voice down," he hisses at me. He moves to turn us away from the main road, taking us towards the side of the building.
"So what? You turn up 3 hours! Yes 3 hours late! And it's all okay because you're going to take him for dinner?" I snap at him, my voice coming out shrill.
"I had a meeting drop. I couldn't miss it. It's a one time opportunity so I-"
"I don't want to hear it! Your son's fifth birthday is a one time opportunity!" I shout at him. I don't care who hears us. He is still looking around, like he doesn't want to to arrive on TMZ. Well, think of that before you act like an arsehole Grey.
"Keep your voice down," he hisses at me. A bubble of spit from his rage is forming at the corner of his mouth. I see that vein on his head start to throb.
"You fought for custody of our children! Fought! But when it matters you're not fucking here!" I bellow and see people on the street turn to look. "Keep walking!" I shout at them, unwilling for Grey to be proved right.
"Where are your manners?" He spits at me, the bubble from his lip hitting me in the face. He's unbearably close, I can smell Creed aftershave on him. At least it's not smoke. The smell makes me sick to my stomach because of him. I step back, laughing.
"Manners? Manners? Like you have them? You never say please or thank you-"
"Oh change the fucking record!" He raises his voice slightly now, the vein by his eye popping too. He's pissed. He moves closer again.
"And while we're on manners, manners involve turning up to events on time!" I screech at him. "Or at least having the fucking decency to let someone know! Not blocking calls from your family!"
"I did let you know," his teeth are gritted, his voice more level. "I had to go into airplane mode because you wouldn't stop calling. I didn't block you. How old are you?"
"Not as old as you. Your looks are fading fast," I spit at him. They're absolutely not. He's still as gorgeous as he ever was. But this anger is not a good look on him. And I don't find him attractive any more.
"Grow up," he sneers at me. "Just grow up and realise adults have priorities."
"Yeah they do, Christian. Their children. Their own flesh and blood. And you've really hurt our little boy," I say, barely more than a whisper, tears in my eyes.
Grey stops and blinks for a second. "I'm going to make it up to him," he says in a level voice. "Come on, let's go inside." He pulls a tissue from his pocket and hands it to me before turning on his heel, terminating the conversation. He holds the venue door for me as I dash away tears. He's not looking at me.
Phoebe runs out to greet us. "Mommy, daddy, I've done a big poo in my knickers!" She shouts, fairly sure this is the first time our two year old has spoken to her father today.
"Well daddy would like to sort that out," I grab the changing bag and throw it at him. The look of pure horror on his face I'm sure is the only moment of joy I'm going to get from him today.
The second occasion I have to see Grey falls later in the summer, in mid June. By this point, I have begun very slowly introducing Errol to my children. They know him only as mommy's friend at the moment but given the occasion, being Joel's christening, Kate is keen to encourage me to bring Errol along. This will be the first time he has seen Grey since the birthing incident.
About a month ago, Kate sat me down to ask me to be Joel's godmother. My delight couldn't fade, but was surely punctured when she told me they had asked my ex husband to be the godfather. She repeatedly told me she understood if I wanted to decline but I adore Joel and I would love to be his godmother. The thought of standing at the front of a church with Grey again however has made me physically sick.
I know Kate wasn't initially keen, but it was also her husband's decision and she agreed to ask Grey. I have very few details of the conversation itself, as I know Kate is keen to shield me from interactions with Christian Grey but I can't imagine how he can sincerely stand in the eyes of God and say he will protect this child. He can't even protect his own as evidenced by how much he hurt Teddy at his own birthday party.
On the Sunday morning I dress in a lilac gown with a white shawl over it. Errol looks nervous as he pulls on his suit. It's strange seeing a shop bought suit, given all of Grey's were tailor made for him. Naturally, it doesn't fit as well as something Grey would wear but I think he looks super handsome. I give him a quick kiss.
"You look beautiful," he murmurs. He helps me get Harry ready in a tiny little pair of suit bottoms and shirt. Grey has the eldest two, having had them for the first time overnight at a weekend since we agreed custody. Grace asked me directly, as they wanted to take them to a show on the Saturday night and I accepted. Idly I wonder if Grey bothered to attend the show or if he left them with his parents while he worked.
"Say, do you think you and Christian will baptise Harry?" Errol asks me as I laugh.
"I think Grey would have a heart attack if I suggested it," I say as we get him buckled into his car seat, the absolute best money can buy. I slide him in the back of Errol's VW before getting in the passenger seat.
Errol shrugs a little as he joins the main road. "So why is he even being godfather?" He asks me, glancing over at me.
"Even Grey knows better than to say no to his brother asking him to be godfather," I look back across at him, plugging my phone into his aux cable. Grey would die if he saw the inside of this car. There is no tech, no push start. It's Errol's first automatic car.
"So why is he so anti church?" He asks me.
"I think he feels maybe God let him down," I muse. "Or maybe it's just not on his priority list. Anyway, he never wanted to get Teddy and Phoebe baptised. It wasn't for lack of trying on Grace's part," I add. She couldn't understand why we didn't want to bring them up in the family of the church. Having never been overly religious myself it wasn't a priority and with Grey being so dead against it, it never happened.
"How did God let him down? He has like a bazillion dollars, the nicest houses in the world and 3 gorgeous kids," Errol says in disbelief. "And his car isn't bad either," he adds as he manually adjusts the aircon.
"Cars," I correct him. "He has seven I think at the moment. But I don't know. I don't think things have always been as easy." Again, I don't want to discuss Grey's early life. No matter how I feel about him, it really isn't my place.
The church is local to Bellevue, where Grace and Carrick go each Sunday. We park up and I climb out, letting Errol get Harry out and hold him close to his body. The roar of Grey's R8 makes me look up as he pulls into the carpark followed by a Q7 SUV driven by Taylor with Sawyer in the passenger seat. Grey parks next to the blue Golf climbing out.
He has dark glasses on, a dress shirt with navy blue bottoms. He has no tie or jacket on yet and I can only assume he has them in the car. He moves to let Teddy and Phoebe out of the back.
"Mommy!" Phoebe exclaims excitedly running over to me and hugging me.
"I missed you," Teddy beams up at me. His little blue suit matches Christian's except for Teddy has shorts on the bottom, a trait I can only assume Christian has picked up from British royalty because no child actually goes about like this. Phoebe is in a pink dress with her hair in what I can only assume was Grey's attempt at a French plait. I move to let it out to redo it.
He furrows his brow at me as Taylor appears with Grey's blazer and tie. "You drove here in this?" Grey asks by way of greeting, kicking at the back tyre of the Golf, presumably to check the pressure. "I'm not happy with my son being in this," he adds.
"It's a pleasure to see you again, Christian," Errol says darkly.
"It's not safe," he snaps as he takes the tie from Taylor, wrapping it around his neck. Oh I would love to tighten that around his throat, I think as he begins to thread it through his collar.
"I do have the report of the safety inspection inside it which says otherwise," Errol says tartly as Grey pulls the tie up. He doesn't bother looking at Errol, choosing to peer inside the car like he's some kind of mechanic now. "Would you like to see the engine?" Errol offers him sarcastically.
"While I have an understanding of an engine from high school physics I don't think I can perform diagnostics," Grey retorts, snatching his jacket from Taylor and shrugging it on.
"You don't need to, because a garage has done that," Errol says irritably. "And there's nothing wrong with it."
"We'll see," Grey mutters. "Anastasia," he adds looking at me for the first time, now he's finished humiliating Errol.
"It's nice to see you on time," I give him a broad smile. I give nothing away in my tone of voice as Teddy is watching us intently. I finish the plait in Phoebe's hair, twisting the blue hair tie through.
"Can I hold my son?" He asks, gesturing at Errol. Errol moves to pass Harry across. By child 3, Grey does at least seem to have a grasp of how to hold his son correctly. It isn't something that came naturally to him and I spent much of Teddy's first few weeks reminding him to hold the head up.
"I'm going to hold your hand, Errol," Phoebe says warmly, taking my boyfriend's hand as Grey looks thoroughly pissed. I see a little frown form on his face as Errol and Phoebe walk ahead. He's jealous, so jealous that his daughter has chosen Errol over him. I expect at this stage it is just novelty though. They barely know him.
Kate and Elliott are stood at the door to the church. Kate has Joel in her arms. He is now 1 year old and sat up, beaming at everyone. He has lovely blond curls, not unlike Kate. Ava is her proper twin though. I've seen photos of her at that age and I could not pick out the difference between her and Ava.
"Ana," she says warmly, giving me a one arm embrace as Elliott gives me a warm hug. He shakes hands with Christian, a move that will never fail to amaze me between siblings.
"Christian, I am delighted you are on time," Kate says giving Grey her absolutely fakest smile. "I was thinking, how will the ceremony ever proceed if there is a company to acquire in Seattle?" I smirk, unable to hide my amusement and I can see Elliott is mirroring my expression.
"Katherine," he says stiffly. He looks like he is going to offer his hand but stops himself. She doesn't hug him but warmly embraces Errol. Grey looks at his feet then back at Elliott, hoping for someone to be on his side.
"You guys are down the front," Elliott says, tapping Grey's elbow, the closest physical contact Christian seems to allow from his family on a day to day basis. Grace and Carrick are waiting for us near the front. Grace hugs me tightly and moves to hug Phoebe and Teddy. I give Carrick a hug. She warmly embraces Errol as well, kissing his cheek.
She looks at Christian awkwardly. I know she still doesn't know how to react to what I told her in the hospital. She gives him a very swift peck on the cheek. Carrick shakes Errol's hand. They have met him on a couple of occasions when helping move Harry between mine and Christian's homes in the past few weeks and seem to both like him.
Grace holds Harry as Kate and Elliott arrive and we sit down. The ceremony starts beautifully with a hymn before the service begins. Grey is flopped at the end of our row and I am sat next to him, knowing we will both need to move to the front. Kate and Elliott head to the front with Joel as the vicar invites us up.
Christian stands, buttoning his jacket as we walk to the front. My heart is thumping. Being stood at the front of a crowd in front of everyone with Grey not only brings back memories of the wedding, but I know that everyone will have talked about the divorce and will be watching the two of us intently.
"I would like to address the parents and godparents," the vicar says warmly as we stand near the pulpit, the font positioned directly in front of us. Joel is babbling loudly in Elliott's arms, making repeated reaches for the bible the vicar is holding.
"I ask of you all, will you pray for Joel, draw him by your example into the community of faith and walk with him in the way of Christ?" He asks us. Grey is stood on the end, the other side of me as we speak in unison.
"With the help of God, we will," we say together. How Grey doesn't burst into flames saying this I will never know. He does have the good grace to look a little uncomfortable, his hands behind his back as he speaks.
The vicar continues. "And will you care for Joel and help him to take his place within the life and worship of Christ's church?"
Grey bites his lip, clearly unsure whether this is even something he can agree to. His voice is a little more than a mumble as we repeat "With the help of God, we will."
The vicar moves to address us directly as godparents. Grey has his hands in his pockets and is chewing on his lip.
"Anastasia and Christian, as godparents to Joel, I will ask you both to turn away from all things that are against God. Not just the wrong in your own lives but to stand against the wrong in the world," the vicar says encouragingly and I'm sure I hear someone snort behind us. I sincerely hope that this is aimed at Grey.
"Um, with the help of God, we will," Christian says slowly, clearly also having heard the noise behind us as I echo his words.
"And can I ask you both to turn positively towards Jesus, your companion and guide for the amazing journey ahead?" We both comply and I'm sure even Grey himself is aware he must be moments away from bursting into flames at the front of the church.
Joel is christened and I think we both breathe an inward sigh of relief that we can move out of the main view of the congregation, who I feel are far more on focused on how Grey and I are interacting than poor little Joel on his big day. Grey moves to take Joel from Elliott as we head back to the seats, balancing him on one hip and bouncing him a little.
Joel seems delighted to be with his uncle, his arm wrapped firmly around his neck, his free fingers in his mouth as we join in another hymn. I'm surprised they have any relationship, as Kate has never mentioned taking him to see Grey. I start to wonder uneasily how much she is shielding me from her and Elliott's interactions with my ex husband. I know it isn't my place, Elliott and Christian are brothers, but I can't help but feel a little envious of this relationship.
The photographs are taken back at Grace and Carrick's place. It's one of the few times I have been here since the divorce and it still seems strange. I take a deep breath as we walk outside, the lawn having been adorned with flowers and a small children's play set to keep the children entertained. I can tell Kate is going to avoid asking for a photograph of just the godparents with Joel but Grace is keen to proceed.
Grey gives me a tight smile as we walk up the lawn to the bench being used for photos. He sits down with Joel in his lap and I settle at least a foot away. Either the photographer is totally oblivious to the issues with Grey and I or is just really enjoying our awkwardness.
"Could the godparents move a little closer?" He suggest as Grey and I give each other dark looks before shuffling closer. Still at least six inches away. "Um, maybe a little more?" He suggests. I don't look at Grey as I move to directly next to him, smiling for the photo.
"Now, Ana is it?" He asks me. "Could you hold Joel and both stand next to one another? Christian can you put your arm around Ana?"
Grey's face currently looks contemptuous. I think his anger at this point could be any number of things, the divorce, me taking his children, talking to his mother or perhaps simply because he doesn't enjoy Volkswagen's engineering.
As he places an arm around my shoulders I feel a shiver run down my spine. Like someone has tipped an icy drink down the back of my collar. I'm sure he is aware of me physically jolting. We both manage a smile for the camera and I am relieved when the next set are taken, as Kate and Elliott stand in between us as human shields.
Grey moves off as soon as the photos are taken to go inside. It is a big house but I still feel uncomfortable heading in to breastfeed Harry. I use Grace's study, leaving the door a little ajar as I feed my small son. He is now 10 weeks old and is smiling and laughing with ease. Grey has spent a little more time with his now, enjoying a full six hours the previous weekend but having not seen him this week at all.
He stands at the doorway watching me, hands on each side of the door frame. He's watching far too closely and I feel exposed. "So you're really letting this Errol meet our kids?" He asks me without preamble. His voice is unusually soft.
I roll my eyes at him and I see his face twitch. "We're still on this?" I look back down to Harry, who is still feeding greedily. Despite being early he's hit all his milestones on time. I wonder if any of the family have been keeping Grey up to date or if he even cares?
"I don't even know the guy and he's going to be what, some kind of father substitute?" He says bitterly. He's still staring at what I hope is Harry.
"He's not going to be a father substitute," I say firmly, not looking at him. How could he possibly be a substitute? He'd have to be the starting player with Grey substituting later in game if Errol moves in as we plan in the coming months. "And you maybe would know him if you hadn't decided to put your fingers on his throat the first time you met."
"Because you shouldn't have been sleeping with him while you were pregnant with my baby," he says petulantly. His jaw juts a little, almost like a spoilt child.
"What did you think would happen? I'd get more pregnant? The baby would suddenly become his?" I'm openly mocking him and his furrowed brow tells me he hates it. "Or were you worried he'd give me an STI? That reminds me, is your syphilis all cleared up?"
Grey shoots me a very dirty look. "I'm fine thank you," he says darkly. "I had some antibiotics."
I snort slightly as I burp Harry, letting him rest upon my shoulder as I adjust my dress. "Well I'm glad they could fix it and it wasn't more serious," I can't keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I hear heels in the hall and I give Grace a small smile as she arrives.
"What are you two talking about?" She asks with a warm smile.
Grey jumps in very abruptly. Given what I said in the hospital I don't think he trusts I wouldn't tell his mother this too. "Errol," he says very fast looking to his mother, like he's hoping she will jump in and tell me to dump him. "I don't think it's right he meets the children."
"Well Christian, I think that Errol seems lovely and he and Ana have been seeing each other a lot so I'm sure that you can concede on this one," she says gently, like he's still ten years old. And concede? It's none of his business. They're going to meet Errol whether Grey likes it or not. And I suspect he does not.
"Have you seen the death trap he drove them in here today?" He says irritably.
"It's a car Christian and you need to remember not everyone is as fortunate as you," she responds to him, still like he is about 20 years younger than he actually is. Perhaps that's just when Grey last had a decent relationship with his mother…
"He's not a charity caee," I snap at once, standing with Harry against my chest. "It's a decent car made by a highly regarded manufacturer. It's ten years old and is fine."
"Exactly," Grace says quickly. "And anyway I'm sure at some point you will want to introduce a lady to the children," she adds for good measure.
"Well that's not happening," I say abruptly. "Do you not remember what I told you at the hospital Grace?" I add for good measure. This is clearly not something either of them have discussed. Grace's face burns scarlet as the colour drains from her youngest son's cheeks.
"You know you had no right to tell anyone about that," Grey takes a dangerous step towards me.
"Christian, we raised you better than this. Where did we go wrong?" Grace asks him and I can see tears filling her eyes. I feel nothing but sadness for her. Yes she raised him but she wasn't responsible for those first four years. Although surely she could have done a better job of protecting him from Elena Lincoln?
"My sexual preferences do not concern you," he snaps at Grace. "Or you," he spits at me. "So why don't the pair of you just leave me alone?" His face is clouded with rage, his fists starting to ball at his sides.
"Christian, no one minds what you do in bed if it's two consenting adults. But you're so rude all the time. What happened to you?" Grace continues firmly, clearly keen to get this out in the open with her son now it has reared its ugly head again.
"I speak to people how they deserve to be spoken to," he says nastily, more to me than to his mother. "If they don't like it, they can either consider bettering themselves as people or getting the fuck out of my life."
"Well if you carry on speaking like that Christian, they will get out of your life," Grace has tears flowing down her cheek. Christian either hasn't noticed or doesn't care.
"Good! I hope they do! I hope you all stop fucking interfering. I'm terminating this conversation," he turns on his heel and storms out of the office. I hear a door slam somewhere in the distance and I assume he has gone to his childhood bedroom.
Grace wipes a few tears as I move to give her a one armed hug, still holding Harry. "Why did you never tell us what he was doing to you? We could have helped," she says gently as she rubs my back.
"It's fine, Grace. It's over," I murmur back to her.
Thank you to everyone who's commented, followed and favourited so far! I appreciate every one of you! We have a further four chapters to go! I have included a teaser below, if you don't want to know, stop reading now! See you very soon!
The next one is going to be a lot lighter (and we get to meet Alyssa and find out her deal) before we get really dark for the final few chapters. I hope you will all enjoy.