Chapter 10 "

Stop crying your heart out"

"Can't hide it,

it's true I still burn for you

Your memory just won't let me go"

Three months later

Charlotte's POV

You had failed them all in the end.
It was plain and simple as that.
You, who prided yourself on always doing the right thing, had declined to see the truth when it was right in front of you.
You had let the one thing you wanted slip through your fingers.
Your failure of standing up and be true to yourself had hurt so many.
The shame of that fact burned like poison in your veins.
You fled to the green hills of Ireland.
To your sister's new home.
Your world tilted on its axis and you needed to find your footing again.

The loneliness you felt seeped into your soul.
You knew that you couldn't stay.
You needed to find your way again.
The right path for you had once been so clear to you.
Now you felt unsteady navigating your new situation.
Alison's happiness with Captain Fraser was front and centre every day.
You tried not to long for what she had found.
But it was hard.
You told yourself that you had had your chance and you lost it.
You hadn't had the strength of character to stand up and reach for what you wanted.
Now you had to live with the consequences.

As days gave away to weeks and weeks gave away to months you started to look for something else than being a burden to your sister.
You applied and got the position as a teacher in the village located not far from Fraser's farm. You moved into a cottage in the village as the first snow fell.
You settled into your new life easily.
You told yourself as you lay alone at night that you were content with your life.
You had what you needed.
You had a roof over your head and food on the table.
You had people around you.
People to care about and that cared about you.
But in weak moments you faltered and you let your memories take over.
For a brief moment in time, you let yourself remember Alexander Colbourne.
This man who you still felt connected to.
You had thought that time would lessen the pull you felt towards him.
You had tried so hard to remove him from every piece of you.
But still, he lingered.
Eventually, you stopped fighting and surrendered to the fact that he would forever be a part of you.
His name was seared into your heart.
His touch branded into your skin.
You would carry him with you to the day you died.
You knew that you had to let him go.
He belonged in your past.
You had made your choice.
You couldn't change that.
All you had to do was stop longing for something that would never happen.
So it was a constant struggle between wanting to hold on and knowing you had to let go.

Alison came to you in a dark evening in the middle of December.
The two of you sat by the fire and you talked.
She visited your little cottage as often as she could.
This time was different than before.
She seemed on edge.
As your eyes met you said:
"What's wrong?"
She rose from her chair and said:
"I'm worried about you, Charlotte."
"Worried about me. Why?"
She moved away from you as you rose from your chair.
"I have thought about it for a long time. I wanted to say something from the moment you came to visit but I held it back. I thought it would all be okay if I just gave you time but now I'm not so sure and that scares me."
"I don't understand."
"I want my sister back. My sister was brave enough to fight for the life that she wanted. The one who went all the way to Sanditon for that life. I want her back."
Her words struck you and struck you hard.
"I'm right here."
A shadow fell over her face as she said:
"No, you're not. You've been different since you came here. It's like you have given up."
"What do you mean? It takes time to settle in."
"It's not that and you know it!"
She was not the person who raised her voice so when she did you took a step back from her.
"Then what do want me to say? I don't understand what you want from me."
She took a step towards you and took your hand.
"I want you to be that person again; that brave, strong woman who went all the way to Sanditon to try to better herself. My sister who dazzled everyone. The one who stood up for what she wanted, who seemed to be not scared of anything."
You saw desperation in her eyes as she spoke.
You wanted to tell her the truth then.
You wanted to tell her that you no longer knew the person she spoke about.
You had buried that person so deep that you didn't know how to get back.
But you couldn't tell her that.
She didn't deserve the pain of knowing that her sister had lost a piece of herself.
So you lied.
"I'm still that person. Nothing has changed."
"Please, Charlotte. It's like you have given up."
Another hit.
Her words stung.
"How can you say that to me? I fought hard to get where I am today."
"I know you did. But is this really what you want?"
"What do you mean?"
"The life you had in Sanditon. What about that? You were happy there. I know it."
You let go of your sister's hand and took a step back.
"That part of my life is over."
"What about Mister Colbourne?"
His name on her lips found its way inside of your armour and buried deep in your heart.
You didn't want to think about him.
Not now.
Not like this.
There was a line between your sister and you that you refused to cross.
He was that line.
He belonged in the past.
He was buried in a part of your heart that you had closed the door to when you walked away from him.
She was now crossing that line; knocking at that door that you needed to keep closed.
"What about him?"
"Charlotte…"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
You backed away even more from her.
You wanted distance.
"I saw the way you looked at him. And the way he looked at you."
His face was before you now.
His smile.
She needed to stop.
"It wasn't like that."
"Then tell me how it was. Because all I know is that you seemed so happy when you were near him. And all I want is for you to be happy."
He was everywhere now.
She had flung that door in your heart wide open.
Memories flooded your senses.
"That part of my life is over."
She moved towards you, reached for you and said:
"But why? I don't understand."
You avoided her touch.
You knew if she touched you now you would crumble.
And you couldn't do that because you were scared that you wouldn't be able to rise again.
"Please Alison, just leave this alone."
You were begging now to leave you be.
To leave your bleeding heart alone.
"I just want to understand what happened. What made you end up here."
"Alison…"
You turned your back towards her.

Silence settled in the cottage.
You could feel her eyes on you.
Begging you to let her in.
To share your pain with her.
But a lifetime of pretending that nothing in this world could hurt you and that you didn't need anyone's help was hard to break.
"You used to tell me everything."
Her words warmed you.
You were so tired of fighting.
So you turned towards the only person you had left and said:
"He told me that he loved me."
She took your hand and said:
"Charlotte, I'm so happy for you!"
"I didn't say it back."
You felt ashamed of how you had acted towards him.
It burned in you like fire.
She let go of your hand and took a step back.
"Why?"
"It wasn't right."
You wanted her to understand that you hadn't set out to hurt him.
You had just wanted to do the right thing.
"It wasn't right? For whom? He loves you. And don't tell me that you don't love him back. It was written all over your face when I saw you two together."
"I was engaged to Ralph. I had made a promise."
"A promise. What about you? What do you want?"
You had let your guard down once and given your heart to a man who in the end broke it.
So when love came into your life once again you were careful this time.
But when you let yourself trust that feeling inside to open up and give the remaining piece of your heart away you were once again rejected.
Something inside of you broke then.
So you chose the easier path after that.
The safer path.
How could you make her understand that you didn't trust yourself to make the right decision anymore?
That the fear of getting hurt again had led you down a path in life that you had never wanted. That choice had hurt so many people.
The shame of that fact was a heavy burden to carry.
"I thought it was the right thing to do at the time."
"The right thing to do?"
"Yes, Ralph is a good man."
"What about mister Colbourne?"
You took a step away from her then as she continued:
"You can't run from this, Charlotte. Not anymore. It will just eat you up inside."
It felt like you were slowly drowning since the day you let him go.
"What do you want me to say!?"
"How about the truth?"
"The truth is that I hurt him badly."
Her face softened then.
"Charlotte…"
"I let him go, Alison. He wanted me to choose….and I chose wrong".
It felt like you were missing a big part of yourself since the day you let him go.
Like you were someone else.
Weaker somehow.
You felt defeated.
She took a step forward, took your hand and said:
"There is still time to set things right."
You wanted to believe her.
You needed to believe her words.
But you kept seeing the pain in his eyes when you broke his heart.
"He will never forgive me."
"Charlotte…."
She looked at you with those eyes and you felt suddenly angry.
Angry at her for finding love so easily.
Angry at yourself for not being able to let go of him.
You should have been sensible enough to know that you couldn't get back what you had lost. You should just move on and not dwell on the past.
But he was everywhere now.
Invading your senses.
Your peace of mind.
"He said he loved me and I rejected him. I broke his heart. He will never forgive me for that."
"Do you love him?"
"Alison…"
"Charlotte, do you love him?"
"Yes."
There it was.
That simple answer to a question you had avoided for so long.
You felt like something lifted from you as you spoke those words.
She smiled at you then.
"Then you need to tell him that."
"I can't do that."
"Don't say that."
What right did you have to walk back into his life after breaking his heart?
He could have found someone who had the strength to stand beside him, trust him, and love him the way he deserved.
You looked at your sister and said:
"It's too late. Maybe we had our chance".
The simple truth was that you were scared.
You were scared to open yourself up to the possibility of love again.
To stand before the man you had given your heart to and ask him to love you.
To believe you.
To hold on to you and never let go.
To never willingly hurt you.
She moved towards you and made you look at her:
"I refuse to believe that. He loves you."
A part of yourself couldn't envision a life without loving him.
You missed him.
It seeped into your bones, into the core of you.
"What do you want me to do? Tell me what to do because I don't know anymore."
She took your hand and made you look at her.
"You need to fight for once in your life, Charlotte."
"But how?"
"Start by writing to him. Tell him the truth."
You looked into the eyes of your sister and saw the road ahead.
You would write to him and hope that he would read it and understand.

You poured out your heart in that letter but afterwards, you were scared to send it.
You carried it with you for days.
You considered burning the letter.
But you hadn't come this far to go back.
So you send it out into the world and you prayed it would find its way to him.
You prayed the letter would be a bridge between the two of you.
That he would forgive you.
That he would believe you.
But mostly that it wasn't too late.