Chapter 11

I hope you'll be missing me like I will miss you

"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light"

Colbourne's POV

Afterwards, there was an emptiness in your life that was almost palpable.
You felt adrift since you had lost her.
It was like you had become untethered.
The plain and simple truth was that you broke apart when she left.
Loneliness seeped into your soul.
You tried to steady yourself again.
You had done it before.
But it felt different this time.
It was like you were missing a vital part of yourself.
So you searched for that missing piece by travelling.
You met new people.
But you found yourself searching for her in every new room you entered.
You searched for her in other people.
You wanted that thing you had felt with her back but you could never find it.
She haunted you.
The fact was that she had left permanent marks on your heart and you fought a losing battle to lessen the pain of those marks.

The letter arrived on a sunny morning in April.
You recognized her handwriting on the envelope at once.
You found yourself hesitating as you went to open and read her letter.
As much as you wanted to read and analyze every word you still feared the contest of the letter. So you carried her letter in your pocket for days without reading it.
There were days when you managed to fool yourself into thinking that you had managed to banish all the memories of her to the back of your mind.
There they would stay locked up.
That fragile wall around your remaining heart that you had built and maintained since she left your world was rattled by that letter.
You took out the envelope containing her letter on weak nights when your spirit was low.
You turned it around in your hand and let your fingers trace her words on the envelope.
You even let yourself imagine what the letter inside would say.
It was weak and childish but for a brief moment, you let your imagination win.
You imagined she would say that all was forgiven and she was coming back to you.
But also that those three words you had told her that night in the cottage were reciprocated.
It was foolish and naive but you let yourself indulge in the fantasy.
But you never opened and read the letter.
As days turned into weeks and weeks gave away to a month the letter became a life raft.
It was the only thing you had left that would connect her to you.
So you clung to it.

She walked back into your life one warm and sunny afternoon two months later.
You sat by your desk writing letters when your housekeeper announced that Charlotte Heywood had arrived.
Your chest felt tight as she was shown into the room by your housekeeper.
You rose from your position behind your desk as Mrs. Wheatley closed the door behind her and left the two of you alone.
Charlotte Heywood had changed.
The first thing you noticed was the fact that the light she always seemed to carry with her didn't shine as brightly as before.
There was a weariness in her eyes as they met yours.
But still, her presence seemed to shift the atmosphere of the room, tilting your world just a little.
She still could affect you.
That power scared you more than anything.
She spoke first:
"Mister Colbourne..."
You cut her off before she could continue:
"Won't you sit down, Mrs Starling? I will ring for some tea."
You pointed to a chair in front of your desk and turned to ring for tea but she stopped you from speaking:
"No, thank you."
She sat down in the chair you had pointed to and placed her hands in her lap.
You sat back down in the chair behind your desk and faced her.
You let yourself remember for a brief moment your first meeting in this room when she entered your world and changed everything.
She looked up and your eyes met.
You spoke first:
"I must congratulate you on your nuptial. Are the two of you planning to honeymoon by the sea?"
Her expression changed as she answered:
"No."
The tone of her voice sounded harsh in the stillness of the room.
"You came back to Sanditon."
Your words seemed to somehow rattle her but she recovered quickly as your eyes met.
"Yes. I did."
You wanted to ask her so many questions but you found yourself scared of the answer.
So you let the silence settle between the two of you.
A part of you still felt the sting of rejection, of the pain she caused.
You needed to draw a line in the sand when it came to her.
You couldn't afford to let yourself be that open again.
All it had gotten you was pain.
You had learned your lesson.
You needed to show strength.
Her face softened as she spoke:
"How is Miss Markham? And Leonora?"
You wanted to take a stand then and there to show her that her presence would not rattle you. You wanted to show her that her leaving hadn't affected you.
You forced yourself to not let your emotions show as you said:
"They are doing just fine."
"Can I see them?"
She hadn't come back for you.
That thought seeped into your mind then.
You felt like such a fool to even have considered it.
She was married after all.
She was not yours.
She had never been yours.
"They are not here."
She seemed to shrink back in her chair a little by your answer.
You wanted to push back.
"I hope your family is well and Mister Starling…."
Your words faded to black as your eyes met hers.
You saw something shift in her eyes then.
Her eyes darkened as she said:
"Ralph, mister Starling is fine."
In the end, she had picked him.
You could not forget that.
You had not been enough.
What did she want from you?
Had she come here to see you suffer?
"Is Mister Starling back in town?"
A shadow fell across her face then.
"It was a mistake to come here."
She rose from her chair and started to move towards the door.
All you had to do was let her go.
You had made your stand.
Her coming back had not broken you.
But still, a part of you wanted answers.
You rose from your chair and said:
"Why did you come here?"
She stopped by the door.
You walked around your desk and took a step towards her.
She turned towards you then.
Her eyes reflected pain as she said:
"How can you say that to me?"
You were taken back by the pain reflecting in her eyes.
You had been so sure that she had come back to cause pain.
To show you how happy she was.
But now you were not so sure.
You took a step closer to her and said:
"Mrs Starling…"
She cut you off by saying:
"Why are you saying that? Why are being so cruel?"
Her face twisted in pain.
"What are you saying? I don't understand."
"You keep calling me Mrs Starling. That is not my name."
You felt lost.
Was this just some game to cause you more pain?
"You are the wife of Ralph Starling. "
"No, I'm not. I wrote you a letter…I explained."
Her words struck you and struck you hard.
You took a step back.
"Your letter…. I never read it."
You saw pain move across her face at that moment.
It was like something in her eyes flicked and died.
"You never read it?"
"No."
"Then all of this was a mistake."
Then she turned around, opened the door and walked out.

The emptiness of the room was deafening after she left.
You stood there looking at the door taking in what had just happened.
You had been there before, standing in that room watching her walk out of your life.
All you had to do was let history repeat itself and just let her go.
But you kept seeing her face and the pain in her eyes as you told her that you hadn't read her letter.
She had come back to you for a reason.
You could not walk through life not knowing why she had come back.
You went after her.