Based on a quote that fic_sg posted on Twitter as a prompt. It's a tag to 100 Days and Shades of grey. The quote is at the end.
It had been one of those weeks, hell one of those years, when he really thought about it. Things just hadn't been going well. Between his extended vacation on Edora and his super-secret mission to ferret out the NID, he knew he'd royally screwed up his relationship with his team.
He threw himself onto the sofa and sighed. He had no idea how to fix what had been broken, with any of his team.
Teal'c seemed to have forgiven him, he'd been understanding about everything at least, but their relationship wasn't the same.
With Daniel he knew that the doctor was angry at him, Daniel wore his emotions on his sleeve. But even with him being that easy to read Jack had no idea how to approach Daniel to try and start mending bridges.
He punched the pillow under his head a few times. The team was on stand down for at least the next few weeks, Hammond, Janet, and the base psychiatrist had all seen that something was up. They'd decided that it would be safer for the team to take a few weeks off.
Jack had had several meetings with said psychiatrist, on orders from Hammond, just to make sure that Jack was actually as ok as he was saying he was, but Jack hadn't really been taking it seriously. He knew what the problem was, his team had lost all trust in him, he just had no idea how to fix it.
Sam was his biggest problem. As close as they'd gotten over the last few years he just couldn't work out how she was feeling. She'd been off since he'd come back from Edora, in fact, she'd seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth on his return for about a week and a half. He thought they'd begun to get past whatever it was that had happened when he'd been called away by their allies to try and sort the NID, and he had said some things he really regretted.
Looking up at the ceiling he scowled. "Stupid Maybourne," he muttered to himself. Then he sighed again, it wasn't entirely Maybourne's fault, he had to accept some of the blame for himself.
Looking back on his frankly awkward interactions with his team since his return, he suddenly realised that whenever he was around them they were also providing support for Sam. He hadn't seen Sam alone since his return from Edora, whenever he'd come to see her Teal'c and or Daniel had also been present, as if they were protecting Sam from him.
But Sam didn't need protection from him, he would never hurt her. Then he realised something, he had hurt Sam in some way with his recent actions, other than the obvious harsh words they'd shared in the hallway, even if he hadn't meant to.
He sat up suddenly, an idea coming to his mind about how he might manage to start fixing this. Maybe if he managed to get Sam to at least consider forgiving him for whatever it was he'd done, then maybe Teal'c and Daniel would also start to forgive him. Then he sat back, first though he'd have to work out what he'd done. The only thing he could think of was what he'd said after he'd retired, but this had been going on since before then.
Something had happened to do with Edora but he had no idea what, he had after all been stranded away from home, and his team. He had no idea what on Earth he could have done.
He then sat up again as he came to another conclusion. He didn't know what he'd done, so maybe he should go over to her house and ask her. He knew she'd be in, or at least nearby.
Having made his decision he got to his feet and headed for the door, slipping his feet into his shoes and grabbing his keys and jacket on the way out.
Jumping into his truck he started the engine and turning in the direction of Sam's house.
When he reached her street he slowed down, he didn't want to hit any kids who might be out playing in the street and then pulled onto Sam's drive, parking up behind her car.
Quickly he killed the engine and got out. He paused for a moment, wondering if he should have brought flowers or something as a peace offering, but then realising he was here now and if he left he may not come back.
He locked the truck then walked up to Sam's door. He raised his hand to knock and saw that his hand was shaking slightly. He paused, took a breath, and told himself to get a grip before he rapped on the door.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the curtain twitch as Sam looked out to see who it was. He kept his eyes on the door though, hoping that Sam wasn't so upset with him that she'd ignore his knocking. He was glad to hear the sound of someone moving around inside the house and then after a few anxious moments to door opened.
"Sir," Sma greeted, her voice and facial expression both guarded.
"Hey Carter," Jack replied, keeping his voice light and friendly, "Do you mind if I come in?"
Sam's already guarded expression became completely blank as she looked back at him. "I don't think that's a good idea, sir," she said in a voice devoid of anything even remotely like an emotion.
She started to shut the door but Jack reached out and used his hand to stop it. Sam's eyes flicked between Jack's hand and his face and for a second Jack thought she was going to slam the door, his fingers be damned. "Please Sam," he said softly. Seeing her like this made him really want to fix whatever it was he'd broken.
Sam contemplated his words for a second before she let go of the door and walked back into the lounge. Jack took the open door as permission to come in. he walked in and shut the door behind him. He also toed off his shoes and dropped his jacket and keys on top of them. Once he'd procrastinated as much as he could he made his way into the lounge.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected to see, but his kick-ass Major Samantha Carter sat as far as way from the doorway as possible, with her feet tucked up under her and a cushion clutched to her chest. He had never seen her look so fragile before, even with everything that they'd been through.
"Do you mind if I sit Carter?" he asked. He didn't want to push too hard right now or make Sam feel any more uncomfortable than she clearly already was.
Sam shrugged, and since that wasn't a straight no, Jack sat on the chair furthest from her.
They looked at each other in silence for what felt like an age before Jack cleared his throat. Sam jumped slightly at the sound and then resumed her staring, waiting for Jack to speak.
"So I know I screwed up," he started, "I should have told you, Daniel, and T what was going on." Sam just continued to stare at him. "But I was ordered not to, they wanted your reactions to be real, to sell it all to the NID."
He knew that was a lame excuse, and Sam clearly did too. "You've ignored orders before," she pointed out in a quiet voice.
Jack noticed the lack of sir in her statement but ignored it. Right now he'd take any type of talking, or emotion from his second in command, he really wasn't going to stand on ceremony today.
"Yes," he admitted, "And you have no idea how much I regret following that particular order." He looked her in the eye and tried to hold her gaze, but there was something hidden deep in her emotionless eyes that forced him to look away. "But I did follow it and I screwed up our team." He looked back at Sam and saw that she was still staring at him.
"And then you saw me in the hallway," Jack continued, his eyes darting around the room, resting on Sam every so often before continuing to roam the room. "And I said some awful things to you." His gaze landed back on Sam and he held her's as he continued to talk. "I didn't mean any of it," he said honestly, "But I needed to make sure that everyone believed I'd gone rogue." He sighed. "And the easiest way to do that was publically fall out with my team." He shook his head and looked back at Sam's face. She blinked a few times but otherwise didn't respond. "And then Daniel came round," Jack continued, "And I'm sure you heard what happened there." Sam gave a tiny nod. "Well, there was a chance that my house had been bugged so I had to act like an ass to sell the con."
He looked Sam straight in the eye, this time holding it and not looking away. "I'm just thankful that it wasn't you who came to the door," he said in a rush. This got a response from Sam. Her eyes widened slightly in surprise. It wasn't a lot, but it was something. "If you'd come to the door I probably would have blown it all," he admitted.
"Why?" Sam's voice whispered from behind her cushion.
Now it was Jack's turn to stare at Sam in silence. "Because I hate the thought of hurting you," he admitted, his voice quiet, "Any more than I already had in the hallway." He looked away as he spoke, concentrating his attention on a point on the wall off to Sam's side.
"We drew straws," Sam said in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Did you now," Jack said, his gaze coming back to land on Sam. He was pleased to see a slight smile on her face, although it vanished quickly.
"But there was something going on before that," Jack then said, getting back on track, "Ever since Edora there's been something wrong between us." He gestured between the two of them. He'd been looking at Sam as he spoke and saw the look of pain cross her face as he mentioned the planet of his forced vacation. The look was only there fleetingly though and her emotionless mask slipped back into place.
"There," Jack said, his voice suddenly increasing in volume, "There was something." He regretted the increase in volume as Sam shied away from him. "Sorry," he muttered. He sighed and looked down at his hands. The tremor was back. He clasped his hands tightly together to hide it.
"I obviously did something," he muttered, his voice going back to the quiet it had been before, his eyes firmly on his hands. "But I have no idea what." He got up and started pacing, but making sure to give Sam her space. He stopped in front of her, with a few feet between them, and stared down at Sam. "What did I do?" he demanded.
He stared at Sam, and Sam stared back at him. He didn't speak, waiting for Sam.
They stared at each other until Sam suddenly broke. She jumped to her feet, throwing her cushion at Jack as she did so. He stepped back in surprise as the cushion hit him in the chest. "You gave up," she half yelled, half sobbed, as she got right in his face. "What happened to no man left behind?" he demanded, punctuating each word with a finger stab to his chest. "What happened to always coming home?"
She was sobbing properly now, her finger jabs losing all force behind it until Sam was basically just pushing him in the chest. "I worked myself nearly to death to get you home," she told him between sobs, "And then when Teal'c finally gets through to you, and then we came through, you'd given up." She paused as a particularly heavy sob choked her up for a moment. "You'd given up and you'd started a life there, and it didn't look like you even wanted to come home." Even the pushing had stopped now and Sam's hand was just resting on his chest. "And then you retired and said you were going back to that planet." She sobbed again and pulled away from Jack, turning her back on him. "It made me feel like everything we'd done to get you home was for nothing, that we'd ruined your happiness with Laira."
Her shoulders were still shaking as more sobs racked her body.
Jack just stood there, his mouth open in shock. He had no idea that Sam had worked so hard to get him back, but now he understood why everyone had seemed so cold towards him once he'd gotten back, while Sam had been away from the mountain. Now he realised she'd been at home, recovering from what he'd put her through.
"Sam," he said, his voice so soft it was barely hearable, "Please look at me." He slowly reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off and kept her back to him. "Please Sam," he begged, tugging slightly.
Sam turned back to face him and Jack just stared at her for a moment. Her sobbing had stopped but her eyes were still full of tears that were spilling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said, "I had no idea." He knew it was a pretty poor apology but he couldn't think of anything else to say right now.
He ran his hand through his hair and then grabbed hold of Sam's hand. "Sit," he said, gesturing for Sam to sit back down on the sofa she'd jumped up from so spectacularly. Once she was seated he sat down next to her. They weren't touching, other than his hand in her's, but they were close. "Look at me," he said gently, "Please."
Sam turned her tear-stained face to look at him. Jack reached behind her and grabbed the box of tissues that were there. Gently he used one to wipe her face. Sam froze under his touch but she didn't pull away as Jack gently dried her face. His expression and movements were so tender that Sam didn't know what to make of them. She just sat there, still as a statue, waiting to see what he would say next. She was embarrassed by her outburst, she'd done a pretty good job of keeping it all in, but right now she was actually quite enjoying the fact that Jack O'Neill was being so kind towards her.
"I don't know what to say," Jack said, his voice soft as he dropped his hand away from Sam's now mostly dry face. "Other than you finding a way to get to me on Edora was amazing. I don't know how you did it, and I probably wouldn't understand it even if you explained it to me." Sam's lips twitched into the smallest of smiles. "But I had no idea that you'd worked so hard on it, although I should have realised, and for that, I am truly sorry Sam." Her hand was still in his and he drew tiny shapes on it. "I should have realised that something was up when I didn't see you on base for nearly two weeks after I got back."
"I was at home on bed rest," Sam explained quietly, "Janet and Hammond banned me from the mountain until I got my weight back up and got rid of the circles under my eyes."
Looking at her now Jack could see that she did look a lot thinner than she had before he'd gone to Edora. He hadn't noticed before, because the BDU's she usually wore did a good job of hiding her figure. Her current clothes of baggy jumper and sweat pants were also hiding her figure, but looking at her face it was a lot thinner than it had been, and her hand in his was basically skin and bone.
"Christ Sam," he muttered, "I really had no idea." He looked at her. "And I just realised that I never thanked you for coming to get me, so thank you, Sam, thank you." He sighed as Sam continued to look at him. "And you didn't ruin my happiness with Laira," he continued, hating himself for the look of pain on her face when he said that name, "I'd settled because I underestimated how smart you were. I honestly thought I'd never come back. Laira wanted me to become part of the village, but I couldn't. I didn't give my stuff up until the day Teal'c came through the gate, and even that I did begrudgingly." His fingers continued to trace patterns on her hand. "Deep down I'd knew you'd find a way to get me back, but I had to face facts, the Stargate was gone, and I was only one man, I didn't think I'd ever see Earth again."
Sam's eyes filled with tears again and Jack wiped them away with his thumb as they fell. "Hey now," he said, "No more crying ok."
Sam nodded and then sniffed a few times.
"That's better," Jack said with a smile. Sam smiled back at him. His hand stayed cupping her face for a moment, his thumb still on her cheek. He stroked her cheek a few times before he dropped his hand back into his lap.
"And then I screwed it up even more with the whole NID thing," Jack said shaking his head. "I am so sorry Sam, I had no idea how much this would hurt you, I really didn't, and I'm really sorry."
"Wasn't your fault," Sam muttered, "You had orders."
Jack nodded sadly, "But I am sorry Sam. I hurt you, Daniel and Teal'c with what I did, and so soon after Edora." He sighed again. "Is there anything I can do to get you to forgive me?"
He looked Sam deep in the eye and saw that the hurt and pain was beginning to fade slightly and he felt his heart lighten.
"You already have Jack," Sam said softly, "Coming here today helped me realise that I needed to let out some of the hurt that I had locked up inside." She flipped her hand over and intertwined her fingers with his. "I always try to keep everything down, keep my professional mask up, but I've just realised that I can't keep doing that, that I need to let someone in."
"What a pair we make," Jack said, trying to lighten the mood with a joke, "MacKenzie really must have a field day with us."
Sam shook her head. "He thinks I'm fine."
"Me too," Jack admitted, "I don't like letting shrinks into my head."
They both stared at each other for a while before Sam suddenly started laughing. Jack gave her a confused look.
"Imagine how much hassle we would have saved ourselves if we'd just talked," she said, her voice now much lighter and closer to normal than it had been.
"But we never talk," Jack pointed out, "About anything but work."
"Promise me something," Sam said suddenly.
"Anything," Jack said. He knew it was rash but he meant it.
"We talk to each other about stuff we can't say to Hammond, or Janet, or MacKenzie," Sam said, her eyes bright, "No more miscommunication."
Jack thought for a moment. "What about if it's about something we can't talk about?" he asked, "Something that goes against regulations. We've had a few issues over the years that we haven't ever been able to talk about, not without worrying about getting court marshalled for various reasons at least."
Sam nodded. There had been a few incidents that over the years that they probably should have talked about, the caveman incident came to mind. "How about we have a safe word."
"Safeword," Jack teased with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He knew he and Sam would be ok when Sam laughed at his joke.
"A safe word that means whatever we're talking about stays between us and that any command structure is ignored for the talk? And then we stick it all in a box and don't talk about it? We don't let it affect our work, we just talk to each other like friends and then we go back to teammates after?"
Jack thought for a moment and then nodded. "I like the sound of that Sam," he said, "I promise that we'll talk when we have to."
He and Sam held each other gaze for a long time before they both looked away, Jack's heart skipping a few beats while Sam blushed slightly.
"So am I forgiven?" Jack asked.
Sam nodded. "Yes," she said, "I forgive you."
Jack beamed at her. "Thank you," he said honestly. The two of them caught each other's eye again and held it, their hands still intertwined.
"There's a lot of darkness in me," Jack said to her, "And you've seen more of it than you needed to over the years but you still forgive me even when I don't really deserve it."
"We've all got darkness in us, sir," Sam said, "But I'm glad I can help with yours. You help with mine."
Her choice of language subtlety told Jack that the moment had passed and that it was time for him to leave. But he also knew that they'd be ok now, and hopefully, now he'd made up with Sam, Daniel and Teal'c would be better with him and MacKenzie would sign him off as fit for duty.
Do you want to know what it was? The moment I knew you were it? It was when I showed you the darkest parts of me and instead of running away, you rolled out a blanket, lay down on your back, and pointed out the stars. Beau Taplin