"How would you feel about having our date here?" Emma asked, after they'd been cuddling in the entrance for some time.
"No, Emma. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want her to ruin our date."
Emma kissed her cheek, her fingers stroking through her hair soothingly.
"It's your decision, Regina. But honestly? I'm happy to have it here. All I wanted from tonight was your attention and to give you mine. I want you to feel comfortable. I'm happy to order in and sit at the table with you, or sit on the couch, and talk and cuddle and just… be with you. No distractions. That interaction with your mom threw you for a loop and I know that you're comfortable here. I'm comfortable here. I'd be okay with being here if you feel okay with that too."
"I don't want you to be disappointed, Emma."
Emma pulled back to look the other woman in the eyes.
"Being with you, Regina, will never disappoint me. I don't care where we are. The point is to be with you, wherever that might be. If we decide to stay here, I'll definitely take you out on a date next time. I'm proud of you, proud to be seen with you, and I wanna show you off. You deserve to be wined and dined. But I'm worried about taking you out and being around a bunch of people when really, I feel like what you'd probably like is to just be home where it's safe and quiet."
Regina sighed heavily.
"You know me too well."
"And that's a bad thing?" Emma asked lightly.
"No," she admitted. "But I had plans for us. I wanted to take you on a date."
"You will, but maybe another night. I meant it, Regina. I just wanted to be around you tonight."
"You're far too good to me, Emma Swan."
Emma shook her head.
"No. You deserve to be worshipped. You're a queen."
"An evil queen, maybe," Regina snorted.
"No," Emma said firmly. "Don't do that, Regina. You are not evil. You're not horrible. You're a wonderfully complex woman who has been through more trauma in the first years of her life than most do in their entire existence. That kind of suffering affects a person; it makes them put up walls and makes it harder to trust people. You're not evil, Regina. You're just someone who's survived some shit. It's hard for people who have had an easy life to understand that."
Regina simply looked at Emma, brushing her fingertips over the woman's cheeks. She could see the passion in her words, the sincerity in them.
"Sometimes I wish I could see myself through your eyes."
Emma reached up and gently grabbed Regina's wrist, holding it in place as she turned her head to kiss the other woman's palm. She shifted her head to look into Regina's eyes, keeping the warm palm against her cheek.
"I wish you could, too. I wish I could get rid of the words running through your head because they're not yours, Regina. The things you think of yourself have been put in your head. It's not what you used to think of yourself."
When Regina frowned, Emma explained further.
"My therapist explained this to me once, and it always stuck with me. No kid thinks they're ugly. Or stupid. Or lesser than. Listen to any five year old talk about themselves and they're the fastest kid, the smartest kid. They draw the best in the world and they can sing as good as any professional singer. Better even. They can jump so high and they are the best at everything. There's nothing they can't do. And everything they do is the best. Then they go through life being told that they're dumb, they're bad at math, they're ugly. Then that five year old's thoughts about themselves starts to change, but not because they thought up on their own that they're stupid or ugly or a bad singer. It's because others told them this stuff and they internalised it and then they adopted it as their own thinking. And then that little kid grows up to be this adult who has this horribly distorted view of themselves, kinda like you do, because they've had a lifetime of people putting these thoughts in their heads.
"The things you think about yourself, Regina, are not things you thought up yourself. They were put there by other people. By your mother. I wish you could see what I see because I see a strong, protective, intelligent, independent, stunning, funny, passionate, complicated, caring woman when I look at you. Those are the types of words I associate with you."
"It's been a very long time since anyone's seen me the way that you do," Regina admitted softly, her voice hitching. She suddenly found it hard to swallow, so she distracted herself by looking at her fingertips stroking at Emma's ear. "And I'm afraid of how you'll see me, what you'll think of me, once you learn about my past. Once you learn about me."
"I can't imagine it'll change how I feel about you, but even if it does, we'll still be friends, I think. I'll still want you in my life, unless you push me away. Because you're good at pushing people away. You're good at scaring them away. Including me. And because you're good at being scary and a little mean, I bought the act at first. I thought you were the persona you adopt to protect yourself. I thought you were this mean, heartless person who just didn't care. But the truth is Regina, the real you, the one you hide and protect and keep from everyone else, she's a queen. A goddess to be worshipped, like I said. You're the most beautifully complex woman I've ever met, and I love that about you. I love who you are. She's beautiful. And I can't imagine anything will change that."
Regina couldn't help it, she started to cry. She was already so emotional after that confrontation with her mother and Emma's words hit her hard. Regina threw her arms around Emma and sobbed, clinging to her as she lost control of her emotions. She'd never been described in such a way before. She'd never felt like anyone had seen her this way.
Danielle had known a very different, much simpler and far sweeter Regina. Danielle had loved her through and through, but Regina had changed over the years. She wasn't that same girl anymore. And despite the fact that Danielle had loved her so completely, Regina really wasn't sure even she could have liked (let alone loved) the woman that Regina had ultimately become.
But Emma did like her, and that both touched Regina in a way that couldn't be quantified and terrified her in a way she couldn't explain. After her mother had just ripped her apart (and taken a huge bite, as Emma had once said), Emma's words wormed their way into Regina, burrowing deep inside, soothing over the gaping wounds slashed open by her mother.
"You take my breath away, Regina Mills," Emma whispered, squeezing the woman closer to her. "You have no idea how much I love being with you, how much I look forward to every minute I get to spend with you. Even just a quick glimpse in the hallway at work just… it just turns my entire day around. You're quickly turning into my happy place."
Regina couldn't help the new tears that fell, biting her bottom lip as she tried to fight the sob rising again in her chest. How was it possible that someone liked her this much? No one liked her this much. She wasn't this likeable.
Regina didn't feel worthy. She'd been so horrible to Emma when they'd first met. How could Emma look at her and feel this way? Was she lying? Was she embellishing to make Regina feel better? There was no way she could truly feel this way about her…
"And no, I'm not lying to you."
A small smile tugged at her lips before it turned into more, Regina giggling lightly against Emma's neck.
"I freaking knew you'd think that," Emma teased, kissing Regina's cheek.
Regina laughed some more, Emma rubbing her hands up and down the woman's back, smiling. The way that Emma knew her, it was comforting. And frightening. When had Emma gotten so good at reading her? At knowing her? And what about when she learnt about that thing that Regina was hiding from her… Would Emma like her so much then?
"Sorry," Regina finally replied, wiping at her eyes and nose.
"It's good to hear you laugh," Emma said sincerely. "I love your laugh."
Regina sighed contently, allowing Emma to sway her from side to side. She'd been through a roller coaster of emotions tonight and she suddenly felt exhausted. There would be time enough to obsess about whether or not Emma would accept her. For now, she was in need of a tissue.
"Can we go to the living room to sit for a moment?"
Emma quickly nodded.
"Of course."
Regina led the way, grabbing a few tissues as she walked by the box and wiping at her eyes before blowing her nose. She discarded the used tissues and joined Emma on the couch, smiling softly at the woman watching her with unguarded affection.
"You're too good to me," Regina repeated, snuggling in next to the other woman.
Emma wrapped her arms around her, and shook her head.
"I'm just the right amount of good to you."
They cuddled on the couch, not saying anything, simply enjoying the other's presence.
"What a wild night," Emma finally spoke.
Regina shook her head.
"I'm sorry, Emma. My mother is uniquely capable of sabotaging all of my best laid plans."
Emma kissed her temple.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm definitely not sorry I got to see you in this gorgeous dress. And I'm even less sorry that I've spent most of the evening with my hands on your body. So, I'm not complaining."
Regina chuckled, moving to rest her head on Emma's shoulder.
"It's been nice to be held by you."
Emma nodded.
"Agreed. Although I should probably feed you soon. How do you feel about just ordering take out?"
"I'd feel very happy with take out."
"Good. Also, I fucking love this dress on you. I can't speak highly enough about it, but what do you think about us getting into pyjamas, eating take out, and just chatting. Is that okay for our first date?"
Emma felt a little self-conscious about the offer, but the idea of just curling up comfortably with Regina and eating and chatting in their pyjamas sounded… heavenly. And after the evening Regina had had, she was hoping the offer sounded nice.
"It's perfect. Do you have pyjamas with you?"
Emma nodded.
"In the car."
Regina's eyebrows rose, a knowing smile forming on her face.
"Did you truly think you'd get lucky on the first date, Emma?"
Emma chuckled.
"No. That's not why I have them. I just always have a spare change of clothes on me. You never know when you'll need 'em, kinda like for times like this."
"I believe you're the only person I know who keeps a change of clothes in their car."
Emma scratched the back of her head.
"Yeah, well. I kinda grew up always being packed, just in case. This is an extension of that, I guess. Once a foster kid, always a foster kid," Emma said with a shrug.
Regina regarded her carefully before finally reaching out and squeezing her hand. Emma half expected a response, but none actually came.
"Go get your pyjamas, Emma. I'll order while I'm changing. Chinese?"
Emma nodded eagerly.
"Oh yeah."
"Good."
They met in the living room a few minutes later, both women grinning at each other when their eyes met.
"First time I've ever worn pyjamas for a first date."
Regina chuckled.
"I hope you're not disappointed."
"Never," Emma said sincerely. "You're here. That's all I wanted."
"You flatter me."
"Only on days that end in Y."
Regina rolled her eyes while Emma grinned. The women sat together on the couch, facing one another.
"Bringing out my A game material for you."
"I see that."
"So," Emma started with a grin, "Tell me about your life in California. Did you like it there?"
Regina nodded, swiping at an errant hair and tucking it behind her ear.
"I did. It took some time to adjust. California is very different from Maine, but I enjoyed it immensely. I still miss the palm trees and my favourite restaurants, like the pasta place owned by this wonderfully eccentric married couple who had travelled the world in their early 20's. Every time I went in, they welcomed me so warmly and told me all about the places they'd been. I don't miss how expensive everything was, though, or the traffic. But the weather was absolutely beautiful all year round and the people were so open and accepting. That's something I miss terribly."
"Do you find the people less accepting here?"
Regina nodded.
"In my experience, yes."
"Fair enough," Emma acknowledged. She wasn't sure she agreed, but she wasn't going to argue Regina's experiences. "What did you do out in California?"
"Well, for the first few years, I was a student. I worked part time while I studied, and I didn't have much money so I didn't have the opportunity to travel or go out. When Mal and I met, I was in my last year of school and she was working at a law firm. We eventually dated. Mal is a few years older than I am, so she was fairly well established in her career, and that's when things started to change for me. She showed me around the state, treated me to things I hadn't had in years – like dinners out at that restaurant I just mentioned, and buying me new clothes. She brought me to Mexico regularly. I had always wanted to go, so she surprised me with a trip there. I fell in love, so she brought me there frequently after that."
Emma loved the way Regina smiled as she told the story, smiling right along with her.
"She sounds like she was good to you."
"She was, for the most part. She was the one to encourage me to seek therapy for what I'd gone through before I left for California. She supported me when I struggled. She loved and encouraged me. She accepted me completely, and she soothed my insecurities, my imperfections. But we did have our fights. I was young and still very affected by my past. She was older and could be controlling, bossy. We didn't always get along, but she treated me well overall."
Emma nodded, listening closely as the woman spoke. She was glad Regina had had someone when she was so far from home.
"You were happy with her?"
"I was."
"Good," Emma said sincerely. She wanted Regina to be happy, liked knowing she had been. "Did you see your parents at all, when you were out there?"
Regina shook her head.
"Not really. My father flew out a few times. My mother came once and it was horrible experience. I did almost come home once, but the thought of seeing everyone in town…"
Emma waited, hoping Regina would continue, perhaps touch on the subject of what had caused her to leave, but she didn't.
"But then you did eventually come back?" Emma prompted.
Regina nodded.
"I got a call a few months after I'd adopted Henry that my father was ill. My relationship with Mal was all but over by then. I did have a permanent teaching position, but I wasn't happy. I didn't like the principal and the other teachers weren't very friendly. I was exhausted and lonely and I missed my father terribly. I had been thinking of him since I'd adopted Henry, maybe in no small part because they shared a name," she said, smiling, "and the call that he was sick was the last straw. I packed up almost immediately and headed back to the mansion."
"How was it being back with your mom?"
Emma couldn't imagine that had been easy.
"It was fine, actually. I rarely saw her. My mother had made herself scarce during my father's illness and recovery. She isn't nurturing or maternal. She looked at my father's cancer as an inconvenience, really. She did get a lot of attention and sympathy due to his illness, and I believe she enjoyed that aspect of it. But for the most part, it was just my father and I, and little baby Henry, during those months. Well, almost a year, really."
"That must have been so hard on you, to be taking care of both of them alone."
"I was lucky. Henry was such a good baby and while my father was ill, he wasn't bedridden or anything. He had many good days and it was on those days that I was able to have some time to myself. I could sleep in or go shopping or simply grab a coffee on my own. Or we'd go out together, the three of us. It was probably one of the best years of my life, although I feel guilty admitting that as my father did have some very bad days during that time."
Emma smiled at her.
"I feel like it makes sense though. You had your two favourite men with you."
Regina chuckled.
"Yes. The only men I would want in my life."
Emma hesitated before gently asking her next question.
"Did you wanna talk about why you left Storybrooke in the first place?"
Regina sobered quickly, her eyes falling to her lap as she considered the question. She didn't want to discuss anything, but she knew she would have to eventually. Or she should. Emma deserved to hear the truth, to hear her story, and she had been so patient thus far, never pushing Regina. What was more, Regina did want to be able to share everything with Emma, despite how terrified she was. She wanted to tell her everything… eventually. It just frightened her to be so honest about things that were still so hard to discuss.
She could try, tonight, to share with Emma at least part of what had happened to her so long ago.
"I don't want to put pressure on you, Regina. And if you don't ever want to talk about it, I hope you know that I'll respect that. I'm just trying to learn your story. And that's part of it."
Regina sighed, nodding slowly. She was grateful that Emma was so understanding.
"There's much you don't know."
"I know."
Regina worried her bottom lip with her teeth, looking away from Emma.
"I don't think I'm ready to tell the whole story, Emma. But perhaps, a little of it?"
"Okay," Emma said gently. "We'll go at your pace."
Regina stayed quiet for a long time before she finally spoke, her voice low, her words spoken carefully.
"I realised I liked girls when I was very young, but I tried hard to fight against it. I knew my mother would never accept it and I worried my father wouldn't either. His opinion meant a great deal to me. It still does. And back then, this town was fairly religious, and such things weren't discussed or accepted. And I was already so different from the other girls because of my ethnicity and… for other reasons. So I kept quiet about my preferences, as that just made for one more way that I was different. My mother wanted me to focus on my studies, so it was easy to decline the very few offers of dates from boys that I did receive. There weren't many, thankfully, as most were terrified of my mother. I did well, focusing on my studies. Until Danielle moved to town, that is." Regina cleared her throat before continuing. "She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. She was kind, funny, gentle. She became friends with Belle first, and since Belle and I were already friends, Danielle and I fell easily into friendship as well.
"The attraction to her had been instant. And I'd tried to fight it, truly I did, but the more time I spent with her, the more I fell for her. Soon, we became inseparable. It didn't take long for me to fall in love, fully and entirely. She had the most beautiful soul. She accepted me, all of me, in a way I never dreamed would be possible. She was the first person I told about-about hidden parts of myself and she just... God, she accepted everything so easily. She told me that she didn't care, that I was beautiful and that she loved every inch of me. I was so terrified to tell her. But she was so accepting. And she treated me so… reverently, so wonderfully. And in a way I never felt I deserved," Regina's voice became thick with emotion, tears filling her eyes. God, how she had loved Danielle.
"We hid our relationship because we both knew our parents would never approve. Hers were deeply religious and I knew, at the very least, that my mother was very homophobic. But even if she hadn't been, I still would have hidden our relationship because my mother took pleasure in destroying anything that brought me happiness. What's more, Danielle's family was poor, and I knew that my mother would certainly not approve of that either. So we kept it hidden, and I was so happy, but then we were discovered and-" Regina stopped speaking, swallowing against the pain that washed over her.
She took several deep breaths, staring at the wall, looking up at the ceiling as she blinked back tears, decades old wounds still slashing at her heart. She'd discussed this in therapy. Had spent years with this pain, but still, it hurt so deeply.
"The reactions were worse than we feared," Regina whispered. "My mother was… horrific. When the townspeople discovered that I-" Regina quickly cut herself off, shaking her head. "Danielle was quickly moved from Storybrooke, sent away. I-I didn't know where she went. I was removed from school, kept at the mansion under lock and key for weeks. Months even."
Regina decided to skip most of the details of the rest of the story now, not ready to get into the rest of the details of that night.
She bit her bottom lip hard enough that pain radiated beneath her teeth, but still it didn't help. Tears fell in droves down her cheeks. She wiped at her eyes, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She couldn't look at Emma, so she looked down at her knee, picking at the lint on her pant leg.
"My entire world was upended in one evening. Everything changed. Danielle was taken away. I was locked up. I was so traumatised, and I was kept locked up, alone. I kept waiting for an opportunity to escape. I had hope that I would be able to see Danielle again and that's what kept me going. That hope. But then- and then-" Regina sobbed, shaking as she fought to get the words out. "I found out Danielle was dead. After everything that happened, and then that, I broke. I had nothing left. My father finally found an opportunity to help me escape, and I ran. I went to the bus depot and bought a ticket for the furthest place from Maine. I ended up in California and stayed there for the next 7 years."
Regina wiped at her cheeks, her hands trembling. She needed to look at Emma, who hadn't spoken a word since she'd begun talking. She was terrified of what she'd see in her expression, but she forced herself to look up. And when she did, finally meeting her eyes, the woman's face betrayed nothing.
"Please tell me what you're thinking," Regina begged.
"I have never wanted to pull someone into my arms so fucking badly but I'm terrified to touch you right now. That's what I'm thinking."
Regina didn't hesitate. She immediately threw herself forward and was quickly snatched into Emma's embrace, strong arms pulling her into a firm, safe embrace. Regina began to cry in earnest, Emma's arms pulling her closer, tighter, as Emma nuzzled her cheek, ear, throat.
"You are the strongest, bravest, most resilient woman I have ever met in my entire life, Regina Mills."
Whatever Regina had been expecting her to say, it wasn't that. And the conviction in Emma's voice was so severe that it left absolutely no doubt in her mind that Emma meant every last word. Regina sobbed hard, burying her face in Emma's neck.
Emma held her close, whispering words of comfort, affection, rocking her gently as she held Regina tight.
"You are so fucking brave, Regina. You were so brave. I admire the hell out of you."
"I didn't feel very brave at the time," Regina whispered through the tears, voice thick with emotion. "I was so scared."
"The point is you did it, Regina. You did it and that's bravery. Being brave isn't the absence of fear. It's doing the thing even though it scares you. That's being brave. Christ, Regina. You survived all of that here in Storybrooke and then you moved to the literal other side of the country all by yourself at what? Seventeen? Eighteen?"
"I had just turned eighteen."
Emma shook her head, her right hand coming up to cup the back of Regina's head.
"Fuck, you're amazing."
Regina buried her face in Emma's neck once again. The way Emma saw her… Objectively, Regina knew she was a survivor. She was a fighter. She didn't give up, even when she wanted to. But Emma looked at her in a way nobody else in this town did. The way that Emma saw her made Regina feel… well, she didn't have words. Could not describe it. All she knew is she really, really liked the way Emma made her feel.
"I'm so sorry, Regina, that you went through all of that. And I know there's a lot more to the story. I know that's not everything. But you have no idea how it feels to know you trust me enough to tell me this much of it."
"There's so much more, Emma. More... to that evening and more that you need to know about me, but I can't."
"Then don't. It's okay. I'm so glad you shared what you did, Regina."
Emma stroked Regina's back, kissed her temple, squeezed her middle. She held her patiently, carefully, rubbing her back and arms and stroking her hair. She gently kissed her skin and waited.
"This really isn't how I pictured our first date," Regina finally whispered, after they'd been silent for ages.
Emma kissed the side of her head again, her fingers stroking through her silky hair, smiling at Regina's content sigh.
"Maybe not, but I was hoping to get to know you better on this date, and I feel like I have."
The truth was, Emma had had no real expectations for their date. She truly had just hoped Regina would open up to her, that they'd talk, even if it was about mundane things. She'd been given more than she could have hoped for though, and she was grateful. Regina had opened up in a way that she knew was leaving her exposed, vulnerable, and Emma's heart soared at the show of trust. The pieces of Regina's life were starting to fall into place for Emma, and her story was starting to make more and more sense. Now, she just had to make sure Regina didn't regret it.
Regina curled closer to Emma as the woman stroked her hair, her back, enjoying the gentle attention being paid to her. It had been a very long time since anyone had touched her so delicately, and she thoroughly enjoyed the way Emma's fingers danced over her skin.
"Like that?" Emma asked, hearing Regina's happy sigh.
Regina nodded.
"It's been a very long time since I've been touched this way. I love the way you touch me."
"Good. Cause I love touching you," Emma murmured against her temple, before laying a soft kiss there. She continued to stroke her fingers along Regina's back before glancing at the clock. "I don't want to interrupt our moment, but they're probably getting impatient at the restaurant." Their order had been ready for some time now. "Why don't I go pick it up and you choose a movie for us?"
"Are you sure?"
Emma nodded.
"I'll be quick."
"Alright."
Emma placed one last quick kiss to Regina's temple before reluctantly slipping off of the couch and heading out to grab their food.