author's note: GUYS PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORKS PLS, first of all, so sorry it's been a million years! the holidays and my birthday and vacation and everything has just kept me too busy. i've tried to alternate between my other story (linked here) and this one, but I still hate that it's been so long. also, I know this story is a lot of your comfort fic, so I'M SORRY for the angst and heartache! just stick with me pleaseeee!
ilysm, thank you for reading! please let me know what you think!
The city lights glittered outside the panoramic windows of the penthouse, casting a soft glow over the sleek, modern furnishings. A fire blazing in the center of the living room illuminated Gianna's gaunt face. The past month had taken the youthful roundness from her face and the twinkle from her eyes. Bringing her knees to her chest, she took a slow sip of her wine as she stared out the window at the New York night. Across the horizon, a sharp knife to her heart, glowed the trademark 'A' of Avengers' Tower.
The infamous building, once filled with laughter and shared moments, sat dark and empty. Gianna gazed through the floor-to-ceiling glass, her reflection staring back at her—a portrait of a woman who had lost something irreplaceable.
Her thoughts were a hurricane, a montage of memories that wrecked her mind and haunted the solitude of the room. The past months had unraveled like a thread, leaving behind a tapestry of emotions that she struggled to make sense of. The laughter from Thanksgiving with the Avengers echoed in her mind, but now it seemed like a distant melody she no longer knew how to play.
She spun the stem of the wine glass in her fingers, ignoring the blue glow of the phone on her coffee table. Texts, calls, social media alerts…nothing she cared to check. She knew what they'd say, all variations of the same headlines that had been running for weeks.
Pop Star and Winter Soldier call it quits after whirlwind romance!
Gianna Cruz spotted on solo coffee run in Manhattan!
Who Made Gianna Cruz Cry?! Pop Star Spotted with Red Eyes Amid Split with Famed Assassin.
As bad as the tabloids were, nothing wrecked her like the truth that played on a loop in her mind.
Early December, New York
The glow of holiday lights adorned the city streets as Bucky and Gianna strolled through Central Park. Snowflakes danced around them, and the air buzzed with the energy of the season.
They paused under a streetlamp, his eyes meeting hers. "You know, you're too good for someone like me," he confessed, a hint of vulnerability in his gaze.
Gianna chuckled, playfully nudging him. "Oh hush. You're the first guy to ever think he doesn't deserve me, and it's one of the many reasons I'm certain you do."
Bucky's laugh echoed through the crisp winter night as he held Gianna's hand in his own.
"If you say so."
Early December, Upstate New York - Avengers' Compound
The soft glow of the evening sun streamed into Bucky's room as he idly scrolled through social media. His fingers danced over the screen, swiping through images and updates. A photo caught his eye—himself and Gianna, smiling, carefree, fingers woven together as they crossed a street in the city.
The initial wave of warmth quickly gave way to a sinking feeling as he caught a glimpse of the comment section. Many were positive, gushing about how good they looked together, how happy they seemed. Bucky couldn't help but smile at those.
However, as he scrolled further, the tone shifted. Harsh words leapt off the screen, cutting through him like a knife. They weren't strangers to him—the names, the insults—all a reminder of the Winter Soldier's haunted past that some couldn't let go. Comment after comment confirmed his darkest fears, the things his mind taunted him with late at night.
"Can't believe she's with a killer."
"Of everyone she could date, she chooses him? A freak of nature with blood on his hands?"
"I hope he knows he's ruining her life. He should be with a monster like himself, not someone innocent like Gianna. I hate this relationship."
"Does she even know everything he's done? I can't support her after she knowingly dates a murderer."
"She deserves better."
The words became a relentless cascade, a torrent of doubts and insecurities that he had fought so hard to suppress. The shadows of his past seemed to stretch and loom, threatening the fragile happiness he had found with Gianna. He felt guilty, shameful, stupid for ever thinking he could escape them, thinking he could find some semblance of peace.
Gianna's voice interrupted his thoughts as she cracked open the door to his room, a soft and cheerful invitation to join the team for dinner. A part of him wanted to tell her about the comments, to seek reassurance in her presence, but a darker instinct held him back. The shame was too great. Something nagged at him, told him maybe they were right. Their relationship was a fluke. Maybe she didn't realize what she'd gotten herself into. Fear crept into his mind, convincing him that if he put those thoughts into her mind, even seeking comfort from them, they'd take root and she'd wonder what the hell she was doing with him in the first place.
Forcing a smile, he silenced the turmoil in his mind and pocketed his phone, choosing not to burden her with the weight of his doubts.
"Let's go eat," He put a hand on her lower back and kissed her cheek, ignoring the nagging feeling that at some point soon, he would no longer be able to.
Christmas Morning, Avengers' Compound
The cozy warmth of Christmas evening found Earth's Mightiest Heroes lounging by the fireplace in the overly decorated living room. Gift wrapping strewn everywhere, the smell of hot cocoa and spiked cider filling the air. In a mess of holiday sweaters and new presents, the team fell into a quiet but comfortable silence. This had been an over-the-top, Hallmark-esque Christmas season. Thanksgiving had been the crack in the stoic dam that they all previously kept in place, and now the full on family festivities were unleashed.
Wanda and Gianna had baked so many Christmas goodies that Tony swore he wouldn't even be able to wear the Iron Man suit. They'd arranged a team "Secret Santa" after insisting the guys couldn't be trusted to buy a good gift for everyone on the team, so they limited it to one person each and repeatedly reminded Tony of the $200 limit.
An absurd number of stockings hung from the mantle, cramped and hung nearly overlapping, but everyone had their own. Christmas music had played over the built-in speakers in their living quarters since the day they'd touched down after Thanksgiving. The most surprising part was that no one seemed to mind the excess holiday cheer.
Now, as Christmas Day wound down, it had all culminated in a picturesque holiday.
As the festivities wound down, Bucky caught Gianna's eye, his expression softening with a secret.
"Come with me," he murmured, jerking his head towards the balcony.
Gianna followed him through the common room, away from the heart of the celebration. They slipped out onto the balcony, a quiet alcove overlooking the snowy landscape.
Bucky handed her a steaming mug of hot chocolate. "Merry Christmas," he said, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Merry Christmas," she replied. The night air was crisp, and the stars above shimmered in a vast, dark canvas. One of her favorite things about being away from the city.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a carefully wrapped gift. "I made something for you," he confessed.
"What? Bucky…" Curiosity turned into wide-eyed surprise as she unwrapped the present. Nestled within the paper was a beautifully bound book. On the cover, in elegant script, read the simple title MMXXIII - or 2023. The year they met.
Her fingers traced the cover, and when she opened it, she found a chronicle of their tour—all told from Bucky's point of view. He had meticulously compiled entries from his journal, filled with his thoughts and feelings about her, paired with photos both snapped by fans or paparazzi and by Gianna herself. It made for a comprehensive timeline of him falling in love with her.
Tears welled up in Gianna's eyes as she flipped through the pages. Bucky's writing, which she'd read before, but to have it gifted to her with all the photos and scrawled footnotes and thoughtfulness…she felt dangerously close to melting into a puddle on the ground.
"I remember the first time I saw you on stage," he recounted. "There was this light about you. It drew me in, and little did I know, it would change everything."
Gianna was speechless. Shaking her head, she looked up at him with watery eyes. "This is, undoubtedly, the best gift I have ever been given." She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "James Buchanan Barnes. Thank you. I love you."
His chest tightened. No matter how many times he'd heard those words come from her mouth or said them back to her, they never felt any less miraculous.
"I love you too, G."
Giving a shy smile, she stood. "I have something for you, too. Be right back." She darted through the doors.
Returning swiftly with her guitar in hand, she plopped back down on the chair beside him. Her breath came out in steamy clouds against the cold air. Gazing up at him through her lashes, she began to strum.
"This one is called…My Hero."
As she played, her angelic voice echoing across the quiet night, Bucky felt his stomach twist. Sitting across from him was the most beautiful, kind woman he'd ever known. She told him she loved him. She slept beside him every night. Here she was on Christmas Day, singing a song about him. As her poetic words heralded him as her hero, he couldn't help the guilt he felt reminding him that he would always be a villain.
New Years' Eve, New York - Avengers' Tower
The New Year's Eve party at the Avengers' Tower was a spectacle to behold. Tony Stark had outdone himself once again, transforming the common area into a sea of crystal champagne flutes and ice sculptures. The clinking of glasses and laughter filled the massive room.
Sam had taken over bartending - flipping bottles with flair while the actual paid bartender stood awkwardly to the side. Peter hung from the chandelier, showing off for a group of this years' Sports Illustrated models. Steve and Nat, shared a quiet moment away from the dance floor, looking suspiciously comfortable together. Tony, to no one's surprise, had been the life of the party. He bounced from the DJ booth to the dance floor to the bar, never being seen without a champagne bottle in hand. The atmosphere was infectious, a perfect ending to the year's highs and lows.
Meanwhile, Gianna and Bucky had spent most of the evening cozied up on a plush couch toward the back of the room, taking it all in. Her laughter seemed to drown out the music and the crowd, Bucky's eyes glimmered with a softness that only her presence could invoke.
As the clock crept closer to midnight, the anticipation in the room grew. The sequin and glitter-clad Avengers had found their way together in the final moments of the year.
Tony, ever the showman, took center stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, Avengers and friends, let's welcome the new year with a bang!"
The countdown echoed through the room, a chorus of voices rising in unison. Ten, nine, eight...He raised an arm, clad in one single sleeve of the Iron Man suit, and aimed it for the rafters.
Bang! Confetti rained down from where his shot hit as the clock struck midnight, and cheers erupted. Amidst the celebration, Bucky and Gianna only had eyes for each other as they pulled away from their first kiss of the new year, only feet from the barstools where their first ever kiss had been shared.
Gianna's eyes were bright as she looked up at him, "I can't wait to spend this year with you."
Bucky, his smile carrying a mix of emotion, replied, "You're going to have an amazing year, G."
End of January
The Quinjet soared through the night sky, cutting through the clouds like a sleek shadow. Bucky, sitting in the co-pilot seat, stared out into the vast darkness. Steve glanced at his friend, sensing the tension in the air.
"Something's been eating at you, Buck," Steve finally broke the silence, his eyes focused on the controls. "You've been volunteering for every mission lately. More than usual. What's going on?"
Bucky hesitated, his gaze fixed on the city lights below. He was wrestling with a storm of conflicting emotions, unsure of how to voice them, even to his closest friend. Steve was persistent, his concern etched on his features.
"Bucky, we've been through too much for you to keep things from me," Steve urged gently. "Talk to me."
Bucky sighed, the internal struggle evident in his eyes. "It's Gianna."
Steve raised an eyebrow, silently inviting Bucky to continue.
"I can't shake this feeling, Steve," Bucky confessed, his voice laced with uncertainty. "Like I'm holding her back. Like I'm not good enough for her. I love her too much to see her stuck with someone like me."
Steve furrowed his brow, concern deepening. "Bucky, you've been through hell and back. She knows that, knows it wasn't your fault, and she chose to be with you. You're not holding her back. You saved her life, remember?"
"But what if she deserves more? What if I can't give her the life she deserves?" Bucky's words carried the weight of his self-doubt. "She'll always have to pay the price for my past. I want more for her than that."
Steve understood the root of Bucky's turmoil. He reached over, placing a reassuring hand on Bucky's shoulder. "You're not giving her enough credit, Buck. Talk to her. Share what you're feeling. She deserves to know. I'm sure if she had any idea you were feeling this way, she'd be devastated."
Bucky nodded, but his gaze drifted back out the window to the night sky.
"Where did all this come from?"
"I saw some comments online."
"Buck…" Steve sighed. "You can't do that to yourself. None of us can go online without finding something day-ruining written about ourselves. It's never good."
"At least you guys have saved more people than you've killed." Bucky's tone was gruff.
"If we're looking at deaths at our hands while under our own volition, I've got you beat by a long shot, pal. Hell, I bet even Pete's got you." He gave his friend a reassuring smile.
"Yeah."
The conversation was interrupted by the Quinjet's navigation system signaling their arrival at the mission site.
"We'll continue this, Buck. But for now, focus on the mission. And don't do anything stupid until we can talk more."
End of February
Sweat dripped from Bucky's forehead as his fists pounded into the punching bag.
The chains clinked as Bucky moved from the bag to the bench, his breathing heavy. The dim glow of the overhead lights cast deep shadows on his face, highlighting the lines etched by years of war and the burdens of a tortured past.
His inner dialogue was a relentless companion, the voice of doubt whispering in the hollows of his mind.
She'd be happier without you. She could be back in New York, performing, living the life she deserves. She could find someone without your dark history. Someone she doesn't have to defend.
The weights lifted and dropped with a controlled precision, the repetition an attempt to drown out the insistent thoughts. Bucky's jaw clenched, muscles straining against the heavy load. The gym became a battleground, his internal conflict manifesting in the physical exertion.
You're a relic of a bygone era, Buck. She deserves someone who can give her a future, not someone haunted by the ghosts of his past.
The voice echoed, each word a reminder of the perceived inadequacies he felt.
He moved back to the sparring area, still running from his own demons. The stark sounds of his combat training echoing in the empty space. The punches were precise, calculated, a dance of muscle memory and suppressed rage. His metal arm moved with deadly precision, nearly knocking the bag out of the ceiling with one blow.
Bucky paused, chest heaving, a sheen of sweat covering his body. His reflection in the gym's mirrored walls showed the anguish and exhaustion on his face. He spent more and more time in the training room as sleep continued to evade him. Despite himself, he couldn't help but read more of the same comments that began this spiral in the first place. Subjecting himself to them felt like a fair punishment for everything he'd done, so he continued to scroll, hoping that facing the ugliness would somehow atone for his past. Instead, he found his guilt growing alongside the chasm between him and Gianna.
The truth was, the weight of his past had woven itself into the fabric of his identity. He doubted if he could ever truly be what Gianna needed. He'd thrown himself into missions, avoiding time with her. When he looked at her face, saw her beautiful, earnest eyes…his heart cracked. He couldn't stand to be with her and think of losing her. He couldn't stand to be with her and stomach how much better she deserved. So he stayed away.
He told himself she didn't notice him sneaking out of bed every night after midnight, and maybe she didn't at first. But as the weeks crept by, she felt him pulling away. When he came home between missions, he wasn't fully there. She'd even asked Steve if something had triggered his PTSD, sending him back into a dark place. No matter what she tried, she couldn't pull him back. Even when she initiated sex, he never seemed to be in the mood. She was at a loss.
Their reality that had once been passionate, sweaty, tangled in the sheets had given way to a new reality. One where she pretended she didn't hear him leave their room to go to the gym every night. One where he convinced himself his absence was better for her. One where neither of them felt happy.
As he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, a pang of realization hit him in the gut.
I have to let her go. For her own good.
The gym, usually a place of solace, now echoed with the tortuous thoughts that crowded Bucky's mind. He stood there, caught between the pull of love and the push of self-doubt, wondering if sacrificing his happiness might be the only way to ensure hers.
End of February, The Next Day
The air in the common room hung heavy with tension, a storm brewing in the otherwise quiet evening at the Avengers Compound. The team exchanged uneasy glances, as the thin door to Gianna's bedroom did little to mask what was happening behind it. Natasha shot Steve a concerned look, her instincts honed from years of reading between the lines.
Gianna and Bucky stood on opposite ends of her room, the echoes of their argument reverberating through the walls.
"Why can't you just talk to me? Do you know how much it hurts that you're making this decision without even discussing it with me, without giving me a chance to change it?" Gianna's voice quivered with the rawness of her emotions. "I have to feel you pulling away for weeks, beg you to talk to me, and now…this?"
"I thought it would be easier this way," Bucky admitted, his voice heavy with regret.
Gianna shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "Nothing worth having is easy, Bucky. Love isn't easy. But you don't just throw it away because it's hard."
"I'm not throwing it away because it's hard, Gianna. I'm giving it up because you're better off without me, I -"
"What do you mean I'm better off without you?!" Gianna's voice rose, a crescendo of hurt and disbelief. Her eyes, usually filled with warmth, were now ablaze with anger. "You don't get to decide what I deserve, Bucky! All I did was try to love you the best way I possibly could, and this is how you repay me? By pushing me away? By dumping me?"
Bucky's expression was a mixture of regret and resolve. "I can't give you what you deserve, Gianna. You deserve a life without the shadows of my past."
"Bullshit," Her laughter was bitter. "That's a bullshit excuse and you know it."
She crossed the room and jabbed a finger into his chest as angry tears filled her eyes. "I know your past, all of it. You sat there in my hotel room and you decided to trust me with it. Not once have I judged you, not once have I used it against you, not once have I given you any reason to regret trusting me. So don't you dare stand here and tell me I deserve better than your past when I saw all of it and decided for myself that it changed nothing."
His jaw clenched, the weight of his decision etched into the lines of his face. "It's not about that, Gianna. I don't regret telling you anything, but you deserve to be with someone without a past you have to overlook -"
"I don't overlook your past, Bucky!" She cried. "I don't love you because I can ignore everything you did, or in spite of who you are - I love you because of who you are! Everything you've overcome, how strong and kind and good you are. I don't want someone who has a perfect past, I want someone who knows how ugly the world is and chooses to be good anyways. I want you." Her voice broke at the end as her rage gave way to heartbreak.
"I would never be able to live with myself if I kept you from everything you deserve," He spoke softly.
"You don't get to decide what I deserve!" She interrupted, staring up at him with angry tears streaking down her face.
"You deserve a man who doesn't get called a murderer when he walks down the street." Bucky hissed. "Your kids deserve a father that hasn't committed fucking war crimes. Hell, you deserve someone who can give you a family at all, because who the hell knows if I even can!"
"That's not fair," She protested. "I never asked for those things from you."
"You shouldn't have to ask for a good life, Gianna." His eyes softened as he ran his fingertips down the back of her arm, a gesture that used to make her heart clench now shattered it even further. "That's why I'm letting you go find it."
She wrenched free of his grasp and stormed out of the room, throwing the door open. The team looked up, caught in the crossfire of a relationship unraveling, unsure if they should acknowledge or intervene at all. Gianna ignored the audience as she whirled to face Bucky who'd followed her out of the room.
"Do you know where I was before I met you?" Her eyes narrowed. "I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. The only people who cared if I woke up in the morning were the people who worked for me. I would go weeks without anyone asking how I really was. I was a spectacle, a circus act. I was a commodity." She paused to take a shaky breath. "So this 'better life' you're so nobly sending me back to? It doesn't fucking exist."
Gianna stepped further into the living room, finally acknowledging the group. "And do you know the worst part?" She gave that cold, foreign laugh again before turning back to Bucky. "You already knew all of that. You knew because I trusted you and I told you. Yet here you are anyways, sending me right back into the life I loved you for saving me from."
There was no sound in the room except for Gianna's ragged breathing. The look of pure anguish on Bucky's face was enough to break even the coldest heart. No one dared intervene, not when so much hung in the balance between them.
"I spent months crying myself to sleep before you came along." Gianna spoke softly, reigning in her emotions. "But what difference does it make now, considering for the past two weeks you haven't even cared to stay in bed long enough to know that I'm right back to my old ways."
Her eerily calm delivery struck the final blow. Bucky's face crumpled as he looked at the ground. Guilt rose up inside him. For weeks, he'd been avoiding her, sneaking out of their room, doing anything he could to deal with his own shit. Not once did he think of what that was doing to her. In trying to protect her, he'd been slowly breaking her heart anyways.
Gianna turned her back on Bucky, his broken expression still locked on the ground.
"Can someone take me back to New York, please?" She spoke softly but firmly, eyes scanning the pained faces of her friends. Her fists clenched at her sides.
The group shifted nervously on the couch, unsure what to do. The recent tension between the couple hadn't exactly gone unnoticed, but this explosion had caught them all by surprise. No one wanted to move, to acknowledge that this was real. To take Gianna back to the city would be to cement both of their broken hearts.
"Nat?" Gianna's lower lip quivered. "Please?"
The redhead stilled beside Steve. His hand squeezed hers in reassurance that everything would be okay. It had to be okay.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course." Nat's voice was soft, kind as she stood, weaving through the group. "Do you want to grab your stuff?"
"No." She didn't look behind her as she turned to leave the room. "There's nothing here I need anymore."
And with that, she walked away, leaving Bucky standing in the ruins of a love he was convinced he had to sacrifice.
Present Day, Mid-March, New York
Gianna's eyes stung with tears that wouldn't come. For once in her life, she had no tears left to cry.
The phone continued to vibrate, a cruel reminder of the messages she couldn't bring herself to read. The truth she didn't want to acknowledge.
Bucky Barnes had left her. She was alone.
This time, no one was coming to save her.