AITA for spraying my very expensive underwear with capsaicin extract? Honestly, I only thought the pervo skeleton was going to get a good finger burn (nothing permanent!) and I am sick & tired of my panties going missing!
It didn't work out like I expected at all.
Well, some of it did. Shortly after I laid my trap, I could hear Brook in the bathroom. "Yohoho, my flesh is tingling! If only I had flesh!" And I thought, good. Lesson learned.
But then during lunch, our cook is tearing up and pulling at the back of his pants. He starts doing squats in the middle of service. Finally, his feet catch on fire and he flees from the galley. Everyone followed him out, of course. And where did I find him?
With his ass stuck in one of the water barrels, crying "It burns, oh god. I've broken it! Oh, god! It burns! It burns!"
When our doctor had Sanji in the infirmary, I knocked assertively on the door. "What the fuck! Were you wearing my underwear? You god damn fucking stalker!"
And that's when Sanji peeked out, wearing only a robe and looking miserable. He dropped to his hands and knees and apologized. Then he explained that he just wanted to feel a little bit pretty like he did back on Momoiro Island. He had been too embarrassed to go shopping for panties.
Oh, man! I felt really bad. So, I bonked him on the head and called him an idiot. I told him he was stupid for not just asking me to help him out. I love shopping!
So, happy ending, right? NO, wrong!
I'm on the deck, going through one of my lingerie catalogues to place an order for Sanji when I happen to glance up and across the deck. Zoro is working out - again. But while he's lifting up some ridiculous barbell, Luffy decides to pants him.
And what the fuck did I see! My favorite blue and white striped underwear!
"Oi! Oi!" I yelled. "What the actual fuck are you doing wearing my panties?"
All the lunkhead did was shrug, hold up the stupid barbell with one hand, and lift up his pants with his other hand. "I needed underwear. These were in the laundry basket."
I informed him, with assertion, that those underwear he was currently wearing were mine and mine alone and if he needed underwear, he could wash some of his own.
That's when Zoro told me his always got ruined during fights. Apparently, all his clothes get torn to shreds or covered in blood and he has to spend his salary on replacing them.
"I buy the cheapest clothes I can but it doesn't always leave me enough money for underwear. Would you rather I didn't buy pants?"
So, we're arguing back and forth. I offered to lend him money and he refused and called me a name. Par for the course. Then it hit me. Zoro was just fine with the capsaicin!
"My panties aren't making you feel uncomfortable?" I asked him.
"No. I'm just fine with my masculinity. A pair of ladies underwear ain't going to change that," the idiot answered back.
A total facepalm, right? So, I had to be more specific. "Don't they burn, you numbskull?"
"They're warm. But that's what busoshoku haki is for."
I was flabbergasted. "And you didn't question it?"
Zoro shook his head and then said the most embarrassing thing, "If you need medicine for some lady problems down there, that's your business."
Trust me, he got two bonks on the head for that one!
I wish that was the end of it! But nooooo. That evening, after dinner dumb ass Luffy comes shrieking across the deck "I'm the holey robber and I'm going to steal your tangerines!"
The motherfucker is wearing a pair of my panties over his face like a bandit mask!
I do not feel bad about laughing when he finally started feeling the effects of the capsaicin and rolled around the ground, crying "These panties are made of seastone!" And I do not feel bad about hitting Zoro in the head again when he told Luffy my underwear was covered in medicine for my "special women problems."
While Chopper dragged Luffy away to fix his eyes and face, I finished up my lingerie order. As I was putting the envelope in our mail box, I noticed Usopp still working. The ironic part of it all was that I felt so grateful to Usopp in that moment for being one of the few sane male members of my crew, so you can imagine how upsetting it was when I walked in and found him and Franky . . .
Ugggh.
They had one of my bras stretched across a metal Y-post. Inside the bra cups were a pair of smoke bombs. That was it. I couldn't handle any more of my male nakama's shenanigans for the night. I picked the lock on the liquor cabinet and drank everything inside.
So, AITA for trying to protect my panties or are my male crew members all idiots?
posseofclowns • 05/22/2012
ESH only because it's a wash between you NTA and YTA and the fact we don't have enough information.
Like, how high was the Scoville level on capsaicin? You could have caused serious physical damage to someone if it was high enough. I'm not condoning your friend's behavior but I don't believe in this kind of corrective punishment. I'm going to assume you weren't a sociopath and the capsaicin level was warm, but not damaging.
Brook got what was coming to him, but maybe in the future refrain from calling him a skeleton? Not cool at all. I don't know what his situation is, but don't mock people for their body shapes.
I feel bad for your friend Sanji but how come he couldn't order from a catalogue like you did? Or online? Are you stuck in a timewarp? Does he not have access to his own money? Your letter raises so many questions that go unanswered. I'm glad you understand his particular situation but you should let him order his own panties.
The money issue comes up again with your "friend" Zoro.
Is he an MMA fighter? Why is he getting that bloody and messed up in fights? If it's his job, his job should be either paying for his wardrobe or paying him enough that he can actually afford his clothes. It kind of sounds like you're his manager and in charge of his salary? Pay the man real money! He shouldn't have to borrow money from you to buy underwear.
I'm not mad at this man for wearing your underwear. In fact, I'm wondering if it wasn't some kind of power move. (and I've never heard of this busoshoku haki barrier cream but it sounds amazing.)
How old is Luffy? Did your prank almost cost a little kid his eyesight? People are more important than property. I've changed my mind. YTA.
Usopp and Franky shouldn't be stealing your bras, that goes without saying. I have to admit, we've all been tempted to create a bra slingshot but we don't do it. Bras are too damn expensive! Sometimes, boys and men are just ignorant. My mom once told me she found her brother and his friends playing army in their backyard. They took all the maxi pads, squirted ketchup on them for blood, and stuck them over their bodies as war bandages. I kid you not!
Look, I get your frustration but maybe you need to have a frank discussion with all these guys. Pepper spray is not the answer to most problems.
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a/n - What can I say? It's canonical that Zoro likes stripes.