Log entry Mission day 1643
There are people here. I'm not alone. It's odd. I have to keep reminding myself when I hear voices that I'm not imagining them. I didn't leave a TV show or movie running on my computer. There are people here in other rooms and modules. I've been avoiding the doctor. She wants to see me. It's hard to hide here. Every module has only one entrance and exit, but so far I've managed.
I know I should just go get this over with. She's not going to be happy that I wasn't doing the exercise I was supposed to be doing while they were on the surface. She also won't be happy if she figures out how much time I spent in zero-G over the last month. Once we get back to Earth, I'll never be in zero-G again. The closest I'll ever get will be floating in a pool or natural body of water. It's not the same thing. Yeah, I could still have done my exercise. I should have. I just didn't
Maybe she's not trying that hard to find me. How hard could it be after all? Is she going to wait for me to come to her? No, she'll come find me at some point. She might just be giving me time to settle into being around people again. She might also be waiting to hear from NASA and the doctors there. Well, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Log entry Mission day 1643 (2)
Crap! It just dawned on me that Marianne probably has access to my logs. She'll know I'm avoiding her. She can read these. Beck had access to the logs on Ares III. At least, I think he did. He never used that option that I'm aware of, but I think he had access, so Marianne has to have access too.
Does it matter? She has to have figured out that I'm avoiding her. If she hasn't, she will soon. I should just pull up my big boy pants and go talk to her. Sigh. Yes, I did just type sigh, which tells me just how ridiculous I'm being. Fine, I'm going now.
"Marianne?" Mark called as he attempted to stroll down the short hallway of the module to the medical bay.
"Hello, Mark," she said with a smile. "I wondered when I'd see you."
"I thought you'd be coming to see me."
"Why would I do that? All of the equipment I need is here."
"Are you being serious or facetious?" He asked, squinting.
She shrugged. "Guess."
"Do you doctors all have conversations about being sarcastic and mysterious?"
"No, why do you ask?"
Mark ignored the question and asked his own. "Have you been reading my logs?"
"Should I?"
"Is this conversation going to be nothing but questions?"
Marianne raised an eyebrow and watched Mark.
"I have things I can be doing," he snapped and turned back to the door.
"Mark."
He sighed, and his shoulders slumped as he turned back to face the doctor. "Sorry, I don't know why I'm being belligerent."
"I'm not the enemy, Mark," Marianne replied softly.
"I know," he nearly growled, then shook his head, softened his voice, and continued, "I know. I'm sorry again. I know you're not the enemy. I know none of the doctors back at NASA are the enemy."
"But you're feeling attacked?"
"Not attacked. It's just odd to be watched so closely again. Not even again," he corrected himself. "I'm not sure that I've ever been watched this closely."
"You're feeling surrounded and suffocated," she suggested.
"I guess."
"You know, I'm not watching you any closer than I am any of the other members of the crew."
"You have to, though. I know I'm at risk for more issues than any of them. You have to monitor my food intake, my exercise, my socialization...
Marianne held up a hand. "Mark, we're not worried about your food intake right now. You may not have been eating full rations at every meal of the day. You may not feel like eating that way now. If you continue to eat less as we increase gravity and as you increase your activity level, we'll talk about it."
"What if I'm just not hungry?"
"If you're genuinely not hungry and your muscle mass is returning, then it won't be a concern."
"But you think it will be."
The doctor fought back a sigh. "It has been discussed that spending so much time worrying about food may lead to more lasting issues with eating. If I see any signs of that, then we'll talk."
"More lasting issues with eating? What does that mean exactly? What would you look for?"
Marianne thought for a moment. "Are you eating three meals a day? Do the meals that you eat have normal portions? Do you eat more one day and then less for several days after? Do you hoard food in your quarters?"
"And what happens if you see me doing any of those things?" Mark asked.
"It would take more than one to concern me."
"And if you saw more than one of them?"
"We'd talk about it if I became concerned."
Mark frowned. "Do you not want to tell me what you'd do because you're afraid I'll hide the way I eat to avoid whatever it is you'd do?"
The doctor bit back another sigh and instead took a settling breath. "I told you what I'd look for so that you could also be aware of it. I trust you to be keeping track of what you're doing and how you're eating, and let me know if you realize you're doing any of those things. I don't know what NASA will suggest if you start showing any signs of disordered eating. My first step would be to make sure someone is always with you when you eat. I know your comfort level with other people is low right now, but if you're not eating, someone will start eating with you to be sure."
"So I'm on the honor system?"
"Basically."
"OK, so what do you need from me right now?"
"Let's do a quick exam, and I'll let you go."
Log entry Mission Day 1643 (3)
I went and saw the doctor; it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I have to exercise; no more avoiding it. I have to wear the same fitness watch everyone else does. They're an update on the biomonitors we wore on Ares III, which are less bulky and obnoxious. Right now, I only have to wear it to prove I'm getting my heart rate up for the required number of minutes a day. I'm not looking forward to it, but I want to be able to walk when we get back to Earth, so I have to do it.
Log entry Mission Day 1647
I can't sleep. Well, I can, but not when I'm supposed to. I was on Mars time when I was on Mars, so I was on Mars time for four years. I spent four years on a twenty-four-hour, thirty-seven-minute day schedule. It took me a while to adjust, but I did. Now I'm used to it, and I'm struggling to readjust to the standard Earth twenty-four-hour day. I can't sleep when I'm supposed to, except I also can't sleep when my body tells me I should because others are in their labs working during that time, and it's too loud. So, I'm getting really tired but can't settle. I know I should talk to the doctor. I just keep hoping that it will change and that I'll manage to get back on Earth time. I wish I had some idea of how long it would take. I've been exercising more than required. I hoped that I could wear myself out. It's not working.
It's the middle of the "night," and I'm floating in the cupola. I say "night" because it's always dark when we look outside here. We're back to operating on Houston time. Well, everyone except me. I don't want to take sleeping pills. The one time I did that on Mars, it was bad. I slept too long and woke up feeling drugged. Here, it wouldn't be as big a deal with others around.
I should talk to Marianne. I'm going to give it another few days.
"Marianne?" Alannah called as she entered the med bay.
"Commander, how are you?"
"I'm good. Have you seen Mark lately?"
The doctor thought for a moment. "A few days ago. Why? Should I be concerned?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen him myself. He hasn't been to the mess to eat when anyone else on the crew has been. Taylor said she bumped into him in the flight deck when she went in there this morning to check the cockpit systems. He was floating in the cupola. She couldn't get him to respond for a few minutes when she was talking to him. She thinks he'd fallen asleep floating there."
"Has anyone else seen him?" Marianne asked. "Has anyone gone to talk to him in his lab?"
"No, everyone has been settling back in themselves. I can talk to them all later. We can set up a schedule to go see him."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"Why not?" Alannah questioned. "We need to keep an eye on him, and he needs to reacclimate to socializing."
"Both are true," Marianne acknowledged. "He already feels watched, though, without our doing it. I'd hate to make it worse. I don't want him to deal with paranoia on top of everything else."
"What if instead of popping in on him, we set up a schedule so one of us can be in the mess/rec module or the gym most of the day? That way, he'd be popping in on us rather than the other way around."
"That's an idea. With six of us, can we be in one of those places all of the time?"
Alannah twisted her lips as she thought. "No, not all of the time, but I think we can be there enough of the time that someone should be able to interact with him. I suppose I could let Jack and Pat attempt their floating races again. You know how much they loved starting at one end of the long corridor, pushing off, and seeing who could reach the other end first or who could get there with the fewest number of wall touches."
"That might draw Mark out," the doctor commented. "From all we know, he is competitive. Then again, I'm not sure he should be risking that right now. After four years on Mars, his muscles and bones have atrophied some. He'd be at greater risk of injury."
"We'll put that in the 'desperate to get him out' pile then."
"Probably a good idea. I wonder…" Marianne trailed off. "Are we having dinner together tonight?"
"It isn't on the schedule, but I can arrange it. Should I invite Mark?"
"For dinner, absolutely. If he comes, we can all see him, and I can discreetly check on him. Then the six of us can meet as a group afterward. I can't imagine that if no one is regularly seeing him, he'd stay long if he did show up. If he doesn't, well, then that's just all the more reason we should talk as a group."
"I'll spread the word then," Alannah said.
"Hey, Mark."
"Hello, Commander," Mark replied, not turning around from his plants or even looking up.
"How are the vegetables growing?"
He took a slow, deep breath, then turned with a smile. "They've all sprouted. We should be able to eat fresh food in a few weeks."
"Wonderful. I know everyone is looking forward to it, though no one more than you, I'd bet."
"As much as I am looking forward to it, I'm looking forward to getting back to Earth and having freshly cooked, non-freeze-dried food, not just vegetables. I want to pick an apple and eat it right there. Even better, a peach and let the juice drip down my chin, or an orange I can eat and drop the peel right where I stand. I want a bacon double cheeseburger stacked with grilled onions, lettuce, dill pickle chips, barbecue sauce, and a nice thick slice of a bun-sized beefsteak tomato, all on a pretzel bun with a side of steak fries, no spicy curly fries, and a few thick panko-coated onion rings. On second thought, no, no fries; damn potatoes have ruined fries for me." Mark sighed, closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and continued, "I want a slice of every kind of pizza there is, starting with Chicago, then a big old slice of New York style I can fold in half and eat, Detroit style with the crunchy cheese edges, even St. Louis style thin crust with that odd cheese they use, any other styles I don't know about yet, finishing off with Chicago style again. I want ice cream, brownies, and chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven. I want a big old Thanksgiving feast minus the mashed potatoes, though. By the time we get home, I may even eat those if they have gravy or I can stir in the stuffing. Barbecue: I want some good Texas barbecue with potato salad, pasta salad, and coleslaw. I want it all, and now I'm hungry."
Alannah chuckled. "Well then, I suppose it's the perfect time to tell you we're all having dinner together tonight, and we'd love to have you join us."
"That's not your regular schedule, is it?"
"No, but I think we all need to check in a bit more frequently right now. I know you're excited to be heading home, even though it will take a year."
"But the others are processing the fact that they're done, or nearly done, with the biggest mission they may ever be a part of," Mark said knowingly.
"Yes."
"You sound surprised," he commented.
"I suppose I am," Alannah acknowledged.
"You expected me to be focused on my situation."
"I did."
"I am," Mark said, "but even though I was thrilled to be off that damned planet and headed home, there is a small part of me that also knows this is the last time I'll be in space. It's the last time I'll ever set foot on another planet. I spent four years of my life there. It's not easy to let go of that; it's harder than I was expecting, actually."
"I would imagine. It's not easy for the rest of us, and we were only on the surface for thirty days. I can't imagine..."
"No one can," he remarked wryly.
"And that just makes it harder."
Mark nodded. "It's worse when people try to empathize. It's not that I don't appreciate the effort. It's just that no one can truly understand, and it's frustrating when they try."
It was Alannah's turn to nod. "I can talk to the others about that if you'd like."
"No," he shook his head, "it's okay. I don't want to make things any more awkward than they are."
"Well, then, I won't say anything. I'll let you get back to the plants. Don't forget, dinner at 6."
"Okay, thanks."
Log entry Mission Day 1651
Well, I'm sure the doctor isn't reading my logs. I'm still not sleeping well, and no one has come to talk to me about it.
The commander did just come to visit, though. Maybe she was just checking in. I've heard her pop in on others in their labs. It could be that it was just my turn. It probably is, and I'm just being paranoid. I should stop being paranoid, or I should just give in and go talk to the doctor. Lack of sleep could make me paranoid, right? Maybe? I think I remember reading that in Beck's stuff, or maybe not. I don't know anymore. I'm lucky I was able to hold a coherent conversation with Alannah when she came in. I'm tired, and I'm still not sleeping. I'm not "not sleeping" either. Horrible grammar, I know. That goes out the window when I'm tired, too. Seriously, though, I get fifteen to twenty minutes here and there, maybe up to an hour at a time. I don't want to take sleeping pills. I know I can. Marianne can tell me exactly how much to take, and I'm just being stubborn, but I don't want to! I've said this all before, haven't I? I'm just being repetitive. Fine, time to go see the doctor. May as well, but I don't plan on going to dinner. I don't want everyone watching me, and I know that's what the commander was saying, even though she didn't say it.
"Hey, doc?"
"Mark." Marianne greeted him in her best neutral doctor voice with her best poker face.
"Go ahead and say it; I look like crap."
"I would never say that," she replied, shaking her head. "Let me guess; Christopher would."
"Of course, he would, as would Martinez. We're friends; it's what we do. Besides, I do look like crap. If the circles under my eyes get any darker, I could masquerade as a raccoon without a costume."
"I wouldn't say it's that bad."
"But it's not good," he said.
"No. I take it you're not sleeping well."
"Not at all."
"Why not?"
Mark huffed, "You're actually asking and not guessing?"
"No, I find it easier to help my patients when I know what's going on from their perspective."
"Does that mean you don't have any guesses?"
Marianne smiled softly. "Oh, I have them, but I want to hear what you think."
"Will it change how you treat me?"
"As in the method of treatment?" she inquired.
"Yeah."
"I can't say until I know why," she replied.
"So, in other words, probably," Mark sighed. "I'm being obnoxious and argumentative. It's not that I'm never like that, but it's worse because I'm tired. I've hardly spoken to the commander before; we barely know each other, and I just dumped all over her like we'd known each other forever. It was weird."
"And you wouldn't have done that if you weren't so tired," the doctor surmised.
"Not with someone I don't know well, no," he answered. "I dump all over my friends when I need to or just to fill the time but..."
"You don't know Commander James well enough to do that," Marianne finished for him.
Mark simply nodded in response. "I can't seem to get on the right schedule, back on Houston time. I also can't sleep on Mars time either." He went on to describe the problems he'd been having with sleeping and the small amounts of time that he'd been able to sleep.
"We should have seen this coming. Of course, after four years on that time, you'd struggle to get back to Earth's twenty-four-hour day. It's like an extreme case of jet lag, but more complex. Have you tried anything to help you sleep?"
Mark explained his workout regime, why he wouldn't take a sleeping pill, and the different places he'd tried to sleep.
"So that's why Taylor found you in the cupola this morning," Marianne said with a nod. "Obviously, none of that is working. Are you completely opposed to taking sleeping pills?"
"I'm not sure. I didn't like how they made me feel, but I suppose if you can give me a more specific dosage based on my weight, I'd be willing to try. Do you have a non-medication-based suggestion, though?"
The doctor sat back, pursing her lips. "We don't have to use prescription strength sleep aids. If you don't want to take anything at all, I have one suggestion."
"What?" Mark asked.
"You could move back into your previous quarters."
"No."
"It might make a..."
"No, I'm not making Taylor move out of her room."
"Mark…"
"No, just no. Tell me what to take and how much, and I'll do it."
Marianne bit back a sigh. "Ok, then, let's start with some melatonin, just three milligrams. We can increase it if it doesn't work."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"Don't completely rule out changing rooms, however," she suggested.
"Why are you so set on that?" Mark wanted to know.
"If you'd give it a moment's thought, you could figure that out for yourself."
He squinted. "Are you sure you're not a psychiatrist?"
"We all take at least one class, and many of us do a rotation in psych while in med school. Some of that sticks with us," she answered his sarcastic question with utter seriousness, causing him to shake his head and huff out a laugh.
"Fine, doc, I'll think about it."
"Why I'm asking you to consider changing rooms or why the room change is an option?" She asked with just a touch of smartass.
"I think I like you," he responded.
"I think I like you too," Marianne said, "but you didn't answer my question."
"No, I didn't. I suppose you want me to. I'd imagine you want me to consider the switch because it will be a more familiar place and I might be more comfortable there. Also, where I am now is mostly lab or work space, and that may not be conducive to sleeping. My brain and body are trained to be working in that space, not resting. Wouldn't that be the same problem for the commander, though?"
She nodded once. "It could be. However, the commander is more likely to come to me for assistance sooner. Besides, your needs are greater."
"I will consider moving, but not until we've given the melatonin or other sleep aids time to work first. I don't want to ask anyone to move out of their space for me."
"While understandable, your health takes precedence over the others' comfort. Still, we'll wait and see how the melatonin works," Marianne said. "I'd also like you to wear the fitness watch at all times."
"Do I have to?" Mark couldn't keep himself from whining.
Marianne just looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, yeah, I sounded like a child. I'll wear it."
"Thank you," she said. "You know it's just to help me help you."
"I know," Mark acknowledged with a nod. "Sorry, doc. I don't mean to be a pain. I'll get the watch and put it on now."
"It's okay, Mark; I do understand. Before you go, let me give you the melatonin."
"Just give me the one for tonight. I'll come back."
The doctor considered. "Do you not trust yourself with more than just one?"
"I thought if it didn't work we might up the dosage," he replied.
"Not after one night."
"No?"
"No."
"Ok, then give me however many nights I should try it. Did that even make sense?"
Marianne laughed. "It did. Let's start with three nights worth. Don't worry about coming to see me until then unless you just want to talk."
"Trying to get me out of my shell, just like the commander huh?"
"Maybe."
"I will start spending more time with everyone. I just need to get used to people being around first. Thanks again."
Log entry Mission Day 1663
I'm finally sleeping on the same schedule as everyone else. It's great because I don't have to worry about moving Taylor out of her room. It's not so great because now I have even less excuse to not eat meals with the crew. I'm just not ready to be in a room with all of them at once. It's not that I haven't tried. I have. I'm just not there.