WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE FIFTH EDITION OF MY KICK-ASS STORY, THE BATTLE CATS: X! BASED OFF OF THE HIT MOBILE GAME, HOPE YOU ENJOY!
At the Cat Base in Cambodia, Bob and the Cats are exercising for their next big adventure. Bob is doing push-ups on the ground. Cat is doing push-ups on Bob (because why not!). Tank Cat is bench pressing with a huge log. And Axe Cat is slicing straw dummies with his axe.
Bob: Cat, please get the fuck off of me. Or at least be in sync with my push-ups please! he struggles to continue from Cat's unpredictable push-up method
Cat: he does de-synced push-ups on Bob It's not my fault I go up slower and go down faster than you. he visibly goes up much slower and goes down way faster than Bob, it puts Bob off
Tank Cat: Yesterday, Snache called me fat, so now I'm building muscle! If you ask me, I can never lay off the Cat Food, hahah.
Bob: The cheek of that bastard! Say why the hell aren't you using real dumbbells to bench press? Where are your dumbbells?
Tank Cat: he continues to lift the log Sadly, retailers don't accept Cat Food. We can't buy any! So for now, we just have to make-do.
Axe Cat: chimes in I found this very axe of mine in a trash can! I've been sharpening it against sandpaper! We're flat out broke. he chuckles despite the negative situation
Cat: It's not too bad. We got a special someone who made this base for us not too long ago! And we have a special someone else who gets basic materials for us too. It all pays off. he gets off Bob Okay, are we going to keep doing push-ups? Or are we actually going to try and obtain some fucking treasure!?
Bob: Heh, I suppose you three are right. You don't need fancy-ass equipment just to have longitivtiy. he flicks his toothpick, stands up and stretches himself Okay, gentlemen, let's get our hands on some fucking treasure already!
Tank Cat: Aye. he gets up I'm right behind you all! Let's show these enemies what we're made of. And who we are!
Axe Cat: he swings his axe Ready to show off who you are, Matilda? Let's have at it!
Bob: Vamos mostrar-lhes o inferno! (let's show them hell!) he cracks his knuckles
Meanwhile, at the enemy Base, in Cambodia. Doge, Snache and Those Guys are arguing over what to do against Bob.
Doge: I'm telling you! These fuckers are on a new level now, ever since that Portuguese kid came along and fucked up everything. he sighs He's worse than their Cat Cannon, I doubt the Cats even need to use the Cannon now!
Snache: Quit your overreacting Doge, the Cat Cannon is on its knees in comparison, true. But we can still beat him if we just go really hard on them.
Those Guys simultaneously: That didn't work last time.
Snache: Okay, like you three have anything better. All you do is stay around and stick your thumbs up your asses!
Snache and Those guys break into an argument, Doge is at his breaking point, and yells out.
Doge: ENOUGH! FOR ONCE CAN YOU FOUR JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm actually trying to concentrate and think of potential opportunities for us to defeat Bob. But no. I can't have ONE moment, where I can think without you blabbering about the most unnecessary shit ever. I'm going out there!
That Guy A: Okay, chill, we get it. Sheesh!
Doge: just stares in disbelief I'm losing fur thanks to the stress all of you give me on a daily basis. I'm not waiting for you, I'd rather get killed than have to endure your complaints.
Doge shoves Snache and Those Guys out of the way and makes it outside. He slams the door behind him, he is muttering in anger. The Cats and Bob soon make it out of the Cat Base and get confused over Doge being on his own.
Bob: Hey Doge, where the hell are the others? It said you Snache and Those Guys would be here. But that's clearly not the fucking case.
Cat: Did you finally come to your senses of how ass they are as allies and teammates?
Doge: Kind of... he fidgets with his paws
Tank Cat: Wait Doge, are you actually serious? Do you really mean this?
Doge: They're in the Enemy Base...arguing over how we should deal with Bob.
Bob: he grins Heh, music to my ears, let me have a hear at it.
Axe Cat: Out of the way boys! he shoves Cat and Tank Cat out of the way
Tank Cat: No fair! Wait for us to come at least.
Cat: I want to see what they're saying! Make space for us!
Bob and the Cats rush to the Cambodian base. It is a stereotypical Cambodian base based off of the many statues found in Angkor Thom, an archaeological site in the country. It is made out of gray stone and has a face on it. Unfortunately for everyone, the argument just about ended.
Snache: indirectly Okay, we will do that! Finally a good idea.
That Guy C: Now let me open the door for you snake-y and stickmen. he slams the door open, causing the Cats and Bob to trip over onto the ground, to Doge's appeal
That Guy B: Huh? Where did everyone go? Doge, where the fuck is our opposition?
Doge: On the floor, HAH! he is unable to contain his laughter as he points at their four enemies on the floor
Bob: You guys need to stop slamming that damn door! It's going to break and we can easily steal the treasure. he rushes into the Cambodian Base and attempts to steal the treasure
As Bob slyly takes the treasure, admiring the fact that they actually managed to make a child's smiling face out of monetary materials. But as he makes his way out, Those Guys all trip him and he falls onto the floor. The inferior, normal, and superior treasures all slide into Doge's clutch as he catches them.
That Guy A: We did it! Hah, I feel a huge sense of...pride. Yeah, pride!
Snache: Don't get ahead of yourselves lads. They always manage to have the last laugh against us. But it's way too damn funny seeing a big guy like Bob like this. he smiles with pride as he admires Bob tripped on the floor unresponsive
Cat: Bob! What the hell are you doing? Get the hell up! And kick some ass!
Tank Cat: If this is some sort of game...I'm not having it. If it's some sort of a joke...it's not funny. Please just get the hell up already!
Axe Cat: You're making a real fool out of yourself mate. Get. Up. NOW.
Bob lays there, not moving. The Cats just stare at him in confusion, but eventually give in and just begin attacking the enemies. When all of a sudden, one of Those Guys walks towards Bob and attempts to kick him, but is stopped once Bob grabs hold of his foot.
That Guy C: Ow! Stop, that hurts, you know? he yells as the grip tightens around his foot AGH, STOP IT!
Bob:...he is silent for a while before speaking up, grabbing everyone's attention How was that temporary moment of pride handling you? Are you finally ready to get the biggest humbling session of your life? he stands up and towers over That Guy C Nobody, kicks someone who isn't fighting them back. Nobody, kicks someone who is trying to give you a moment of pride! he kicks That Guy C's leg and he falls to the ground, head first NOBODY, KICKS ROBERTO MOURINHO JABLOVSKYY, WHEN HE IS DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THEM! he stares menacingly at all the enemies
Cat: in his mind (Oh, I get it now! Bob was giving them a moment of pride by pretending to not fight. He just wanted to see what their reactions would be! He's honestly an evil genius, but I am willing to see how he humbles everyone!)
Bob: Cats, resume your fighting, I'll finish off everyone after I deal with this dweeb over here! he cracks his neck Morra...(Die...)
Bob grabs That Guy C and slams him down onto the ground. Showing no mercy as he continues to slam his head into the ground, causing it to bleed out and leave large markings on his head. Bob also has put his foot onto his body. Which is big enough to cover most of his petite, stickman body.
That Guy A: Oh my god! He's going insane on him. he attempts to grab Axe Cat's axe LET ME DEAL WITH BOB! I'll slice him to pieces. he trips because of how heavy it is SOMEBODY, HELP ME!
Axe Cat: You can't even lift an axe huh? You seriously need to start working out mate. Just being honest with you.
That Guy B: he also attempts to lift the axe WHAT IS IN THIS AXE? LEAD!? There's no way an axe can be this heavy...
Axe Cat: Stop! You're going to ruin Matilda if you continue! he grabs his axe and whacks the two unconscious with it
Snache: Oh damn. I don't want to continue with this anymore...I'm humbled! I'm sorry!
Bob: Heh, you say that. But I doubt it's true. Venha Cá! (Come here!)
Doge: he gulps TANK CAT? PROTECT ME PLEASE! I'm scared...he is shaking nervously
Tank Cat: Hey! Get off me! he shoves Doge off of his back
Bob: Cats, get out of the way. I'll finish this with ease...he glares at all the enemies before charging into them
He grabs Doge and Snache, and flings the two of them right into the Enemy Base, causing the door to open. He then picks up Doge and shakes him until he drops the Treasure. Before slamming him into the ground again. The two of them look severely fucked up.
Doge: I think I'm going to be sick...
Snache: Don't you even think about getting sick on me, Doge I swear! ironically, he coughs blood on Doge, to his disgust and primary puking factor
Cat: Bob, hurry and pick up the treasure before Doge gets his puke all over the Smiles of Children! The last thing we need is to clean it all out.
Bob: Uh, the Normal and Superior variants are untouched, but a little bit got on the Inferior one. he picks it up and flings it towards Cat, who refuses to catch it Come on Cat it doesn't even smell bad!
Doge: weakly That's because I'm a good eater. I stay off the Dog Food, full of processed meat and fats. The bad ones. he groans as he gets up Snache, get Those Guys, and let's find our next location.
Snache: completely covered in green and brown liquid You're paying for my next supply of water colors...he also appears queasy as he wipes off Doge's puke
Bob: Rest in Puke, bitches. he walks away with the Normal and Superior treasures, and eventually picks up the Inferior one too Hey. Let's make our way back, it's getting cold.
Cat: rubs his paws across his fur in disgust Right...let's head back. I'm not exactly hungry, but I am tired!
The Cats and Bob all make it back to the Cat Base, all discussing things about the next adventure. And dinner!
Bob: Where are we heading to next? I hope it's somewhere decent.
Cat: Yeah, we're going to the Philippines! The treasure is...Bananas, but in monetary value! So bronze, silver and gold! And we're meeting up with two people! One is from a different branch of the alliance!
Tank Cat: Wow, potassium and a different branch member! That must be so cool.
Bob and Tank Cat both have positive views on the idea. However, Axe Cat doesn't seem very fond at all. He seems to be tense.
Axe Cat: I have a feeling I know who we'll encounter tomorrow, and I don't really like it. Cat God, please make sure she doesn't come, PLEASE?!
Bob: You have to do a high pitched meow in order for him to come...speaking from experience.
Cat: Aw come on Axe Cat, why are you so skeptical? Are you hiding something from us? Let us know.
Axe Cat: Ugh, I'll tell you in the morning. Anyways I believe Gross Cat will be there too. So that's not as bad.
Bob: Who the fuck are these people? One's in The Battle Act, the other isn't! Ah well, no other choice but to get ready for tomorrow. I'll eventually figure everything out. Good night everyone.
They all make their way to their rooms and sleep. Ready for tomorrow, as it will surely be an intense ride!
TO BE CONTINUED
Alright! Five episodes down, possibly a thousand to go! To those who play the Battle Cats, I have a strong feeling you know exactly who is found after the Philippines, so enjoy this teaser! Here nothing new really debuts, so I just made up a story plot for the sake of filling up writing space (and an excuse to put in the iconic Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy introduction) Hope you all enjoyed.
Stay tuned for the next addition of The Battle Cats: X!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its respective characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The Character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him, just as long as you credit the owner.
This fiction is 100% unofficial, and can be considered as fan-made.