CW: Discussions of rape
After talking with Toby and having lunch with Christina, Tris decided it was time to visit the infirmary. She was injured enough for it to not arouse any suspicions and she had a couple of hours until training later that night.
She needed to make sure that everything was okay, physically at least. The last thing she needed was an injury she didn't know about setting her back in training, or unknowingly getting worse. She didn't know the Dauntless's general stance on rape, but she knew it had to be better than Abnegations. That wasn't enough to stop nerves from bubbling in her stomach, though.
Hi, my name is Tris. Can I get a check-up? I haven't been feeling well.
The script played out on rewind in her head. It wasn't a complete lie, she decided. It was just an omission of truth. Her hips had been sore ever since the first time Marcus had raped her and the cramps had never fully eased. The thought of telling someone about what had happened terrified her—it was enough to make her almost puke from anxiety—but her gut feeling that something was really wrong outweighed any worry about what people thought.
She approached the infirmary and tentatively walked up to the front desk. She had never done this before, and feeling lost was an understatement.
What was she supposed to do? To say?
The only doctor she had seen was the one in Erudite when she broke her arm as a kid. Except now, instead of an annoyed-looking woman in blue and black, a lady with a black tattoo crawling up her neck sat at the front counter with a computer. Her hair was cut short and a piercing stuck out from her nose. Despite her appearance, the lady offered Tris a kind smile.
"What can I do for you today?"
"Um, hi, my name is Tris. I, um, I, can I get a check-up?"
"Sure hun, what for?"
Tris froze. Her speech hadn't extended this far. Her brain completely blanked.
"Um," shit, what was she supposed to say? "I wanted a check-up because some things haven't felt ok. I want to make sure everything is alright."
"Sure thing. Shauna doesn't have any patients right now, so I can set you up with her unless you prefer someone else. Just wait out here and fill out this paperwork while I send for her." The lady handed Tris a clipboard with a pen and paper attached before going back to her work on the computer screen. She picked up the phone next to her and started speaking as Tris took the clipboard and pen.
She found a seat in the corner of the room by a plant and a small table with a few newspapers open to various pages. Tris glanced at the page and found that most of the questions were pretty simple. Many were straightforward, like "Have you gotten your period?" or "Have you ever had surgery?" She finished most of it without a problem until she read the first question of the last section.
Have you had sexual intercourse in the past year?
Her hand froze. She knew that she had to check the box yes. Shauna was going to ask about it, no doubt.
She's going to think she is a slut. A dirty whore. She'll tell everyone, they all will know her as the Stiff who had sex before she even transferred.
Weren't doctors required to keep the information they learned private? Tris couldn't remember, but she chose to believe it was true as she checked the box next to 'Yes.'
No one will want you, you filthy bitch.
Marcus's voice filled her mind as she brought the clipboard back to the lady at the front desk. She couldn't bring herself to meet the nice lady's eyes, knowing her own were glazed over with held-back tears. The woman put the paper in a folder and handed it to another girl in pink scrubs. She had dark blonde hair, similar to Tris's, and warm brown eyes. Her smile was warm, which slightly eased the tension that had grown in Tris' shoulders.
How many hands would touch that form? How many eyes would see it?
"Great. I'm Shauna, and I'll be your doctor today! Come on, let's go in the back and talk a bit before I start your check-up."
Tris nodded, too afraid to use her voice in case it betrayed the complete fear that was flowing through her body. Shauna led her down a hallway, turned right, and then turned right again until she reached a door that had the number 164 on it. She pulled out a key from her scrubs and unlocked the door. Shauna held it open for Tris.
"Thank you," Tris managed to whisper. Shauna nodded and smiled.
"Of course. Now, I always like to get to know my patients a little bit before I do any examining. So why don't we start by introducing ourselves and then I'll ask a few questions. Is that alright?" Tris nodded. That didn't sound too bad. "Alright. I'm Doctor Jenkins, but please call me Shauna. I got 5th place in my initiation a year ago and got lucky enough to have the opportunity to train to be a doctor. I specialize in helping domestic violence and rape victims, but I help with whatever I can around here."
Tris felt her heart start to race. It was her turn. What would she say? What could she say?
"Um, are you allowed to tell anyone about what I tell you?"
"No, honey. Not unless it's something illegal and you're secretly a murderer or something."
Tris smiled a bit at Shauna's attempt to lighten the mood with humor. "Alright. Um, my name's Tris. I'm in initiation right now, and um, there's nothing left to tell really. I came from Abnegation so my life's been pretty boring so far. I'm not used to talking about myself." That was a lie, but it was safe. Expected. Tris prepared herself for a Stiff joke, but it never came. Shauna just nodded and scribbled a few things on her pad of paper.
"Ok Tris, it's nice to meet you. Your name sounds familiar, you were the first jumper weren't you?" Tris nodded, smiling a bit at the memory. "Oh! And you're friends with Four. He talks about you all the time." At the mention of Toby, Tris blushed, unsure of how to respond. "Anyways, this is getting unprofessional sorry. Is it alright if I ask you a few questions now?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, let's see." She flipped through the pages on the clipboard Tris filled out moments before. "Why don't we start with why you're here today? That way I can get a better idea of what exams I need to run. I mean, it's clear you got roughed up in training pretty bad, but I have a feeling that isn't all that brought you in today."
Tris stiffened. This was going to be so much harder than she had already imagined it to be. Fuck Marcus.
"I, uh, parts don't feel right and I figured I should get it checked out before Initiation gets more serious." There. A full sentence. That was a good start.
Shauna nodded, scribbling something short on her paper. "Ok, yeah that's completely understandable. Good on you for knowing your body like that. What in particular doesn't feel right? Can you pinpoint that for me?"
Tris gulped. She felt tears well in her eyes, threatening to spill over and make a fool of her in front of the nice doctor she had just met and who apparently was friends with her boyfriend. She could pinpoint it, but she didn't want to.
What if Shauna thinks she's too difficult a case and just decides to give up on her as a patient?
"Hey, oh honey I'm so sorry. I didn't want to pressure you into talking about something you aren't comfortable sharing. Here," she handed Tris a tissue. Tris wiped at her eyes quickly. "Are you not ready to talk about it?"
Tris shook her head. She needed to get this out. Someone needed to know who wasn't her or that monster. Dr. Jenkins could help her. She seemed kind and safe. And she apparently specialized in taking care of people who were...raped. Out of everyone, Tris could trust her. Right?
"I…" Her head spun trying to find a starting place to explain what happened. Her vision was foggy from the tears and lack of focus, making it difficult to perceive much around her. Her nose was stuffed up from crying, so breathing was getting more difficult. It was now or never. "In Abnegation. I um," she furiously wiped her eyes with the tissue again. This was pathetic, she shouldn't be crying. She looked so weak, and that was the last thing she needed to look like.
"It's okay. Whatever it was, I'm not going to judge you and I'm not allowed to tell anyone either. So whatever it is, is safe with me."
"I was raped," Tris's voice was hardly a whisper, "and abused."
Dr. Jenkins, Shauna, leaned over and wrapped Tris in a hug. Her arms wrapped around the other girl's torso tightly, offering a shoulder for her to cry into. Tears freely fell down Tris's cheeks as she rested her head on Shauna's shoulder. It felt so good to be held by someone who knew. And who didn't think any less of her.
"Oh sweetie," Shauna whispered, soft and gentle. She pulled back from the hug, lingering close to Tris and lightly holding her hands in support. "I'm here for you. Don't worry, you're not with them anymore. You left. You're safe. We can take care of you."
Tris attempted a smile, which probably appeared as more of a grimace. "Thank you."
Shauna nodded. "I assume you want me to do a check-up on everything that could have been affected?" Tris nodded again. It was all she could manage at the moment, but it seemed to be enough. "Alright. Let me set up a room. I'll be right back."
A few moments later, Shauna returned to lead Tris toward a different room where a machine sat in the corner. A desk with a computer sat in a different corner and a hospital bed stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by smaller machines.
"I'm just going to perform a few tests, alright?" Shauna asked, walking around to press various buttons. "I won't hurt you, I promise. If anything hurts tell me."
"Ok."
Tris hopped onto the bed and let Shauna perform the tests she needed to. It offered Tris a much-needed break to relax and process everything that happened in the past hour. The tests hardly hurt and felt more like pressure than anything. Once Shauna finished, though, everything felt sorer than it did before. Sitting was more difficult, but not impossible. Shauna grimaced when she saw Tris struggling to find a comfortable position.
"I'm sorry, I wish the tests were less invasive and didn't cause so much soreness. I can get you a couple of things that should help, though. Let me just take these results to the lab and I'll be back with your results and some meds for you."
Once Shauna left, Tris glanced at the clock on the wall behind her. It was approaching dinner time, and Christina would definitely wonder where Tris was. She would have to make up a believable excuse. If that existed when lying to a Candor.
You could tell the truth.
No, enough truth had been shared for the day. She would tell Christina that she was on a walk and got lost. That would hopefully work.
A sharp knock came from the door, followed by Shauna who was carrying what looked like a couple of plastic bottles. "Alright, I'm back." Tris noticed that her voice had lost its cheerful perk and that her eyes were dimmed. "There's good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" Tris asked. She needed some positive news. It would be a buoy to cling to when she heard the bad news.
"Well, you aren't pregnant. And you didn't get any STDs, which is really good." Tris nodded, relief washing over her. That was good.
"And the bad news?"
"Well, from the ultrasound it looks like one of your ovaries collapsed from the trauma. Which means… it means that you are around 50% less likely to be able to have a child. I'm so sorry Tris."
Tears collected in her eyes again, and this time her throat began to choke up. Tris nodded, letting Shauna know she had heard the news. How was she going to tell Tobias? She didn't think "Hey, your abusive father beat and raped me after you left and now I'm half as likely to have children" would go over well with him. Would he leave her because of it? They hadn't even talked about kids. They were 16 and 17 for fucks sake.
Regardless, Tobias wouldn't leave her over that, would he? He promised forever and always.
But that was before.
Was this enough for him to change his mind?
"I have some medications to help with the pain and prevent any infection from forming while the torn muscles still heal. After another week or so it should lessen to a dull ache or go away completely."
"Thank-thank you." Shauna rubbed her arm, pulling away to look Tris in her eyes.
"Of course, sweetie. If you want, I can put myself down as your doctor since I specialize in this. It is so important to talk about this stuff with someone, so it doesn't get bottled up inside of you. I'd recommend we start with weekly sessions if you would be okay with that."
"Y-yeah. That sounds good." Shauna nodded.
"Okay, I'll have it set up for this time each week. If there are any conflicts, just let someone at the front desk know. And if anything gets worse, doesn't feel right, anything at all. Feel free to stop by, okay?"
"Okay."
Shauna gave her a sad smile, rubbed her shoulder one more time, and then walked out. Tris held her head in her hands, pulled her knees to her chest, and held herself.
She wanted Toby to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. There was no way he could know this. At least, not right now. She would tell him eventually, sometime soon. Maybe if she pulled herself together she could find her way to his apartment and meet him there. They could cuddle, and she could ignore her problems.
Nodding to herself, Tris unwrapped from her tight ball and wiped her eyes with fresh tissue. She glanced in the mirror and saw how red her face was, so she splashed some water to help it cool down. The shock of the cold water against her warm face was refreshing and helped her feel a bit more grounded.
Another look in the mirror told her she looked better, so Tris decided to leave and head toward Tobias's apartment. It was somewhere on this floor, she just needed to find it. Her stomach was in too many knots to consider dinner, so she would just have to spend the time getting lost instead.
At least she wouldn't be lying the next time she saw Christina.
After a couple of minutes spent looking, Tris made her way down a familiar-looking hallway. Tobias's room stood at the end. She knocked, praying he was home. After a moment, she was considering knocking again but a familiar face came into view as the door opened.
"Bea? What are you doing here? Aren't you-"
"I wasn't hungry. I just, I really needed to see you." Tobias looked at her with concern but moved out of the doorframe for her to walk in.
"Are you okay?"
No
"Yes. Well, I will be. I just, I needed you."
Tobias nodded. He sat on the couch and gestured for her to follow him.
"I'm assuming you don't want to talk about it?" Tris shook her head. He sighed. "Okay, c'mon. You know the drill. Cuddle time."
Tris smiled lightly and walked over to the couch which had a pale grey, chunky knit blanket lying on the side. She pulled it off the arm of the chair and wrapped it around her shoulders before sitting on the couch. Tobias wrapped his arm around her and began to softly rub her arm.
"Is it ok if I'm this close?" Tris nodded, afraid to speak because she knew her voice would still be shaky. "Okay, what do need from me right now."
"This. This is good." The blanket muffled her voice, so she wasn't sure he could hear her.
"Ok." He wrapped his other arm around her so he was holding her in a loose hug. She leaned back so they were fully lying on the couch, his arms wrapped around her pulling her tightly to his chest. "Remember when we would do this in the training room?"
Tris smiled at the memory. "Blankets and pillows on the fighting mat. Was warm."
"It was warm, I loved that." He resumed rubbing her arm slowly. She felt her heart start to calm down and she snuggled closer to his chest. "You okay with me talking?"
Tris nodded. The distraction was comforting and was helping to ease away all the shock and sadness her appointment had caused.
"I loved that you felt safe with me. I still do. It amazes me that I can be your safe place, after everything." Tris flinched at the thought of Marcus. "Hey, hey. I'm sorry. I won't talk about him."
"I like cuddling."
She felt his chest vibrate from a soft chuckle. "I do too, Bea. You're welcome here anytime, ok? No questions asked."
"Okay."
Tobias held her closer to his chest. The pressure from his arms was comforting in the moment. It felt like nothing then could hurt Tris. She was entirely safe with him.
"I love you, Bea. I will be so, so lucky if I get to call this my forever."
A stab of guilt hit her chest, breaking her peaceful delusion. He didn't know anything. It hurt to say the words back, so instead, she snuggled her face more and stayed silent as they stayed cuddled for many more minutes.
Thanks for reading as always :)
DFTBA,
thebooktrooper