Once her breathing had slowed and her heart stopped racing, Toby managed to convince Tris to return to the dorms. She wanted to stay in his arms for hours more. It was where she felt safe, safe enough to get drowsy and start to fall asleep. How she longed for a solid night of sleep without the interruption of nightmares.
That wasn't possible, though. Not in her near future at least. She was back standing in front of the dorms, trying to hype herself up to walk in. She could hear the other initiates inside, talking. She took a deep breath and pushed open the door. Before Tris could even look around to find her, Christina was running up to wrap her in a tight hug.
The squeeze of Christina's arms caused Tris's side and back to ache, but the comfort of being in another person's arms was well worth it.
"Where were you? I haven't seen you all day! I thought Eric found you and was upset or something!" Christina pulled back and furrowed her brow.
Tris smiled at the other girl's concern, though she felt slightly guilty for worrying Christina.
"I'm okay I promise! I went on a walk because I just needed to be alone after the fight. I kind of got lost from not paying attention and just now managed to find my way back. It was good though, I think I needed it."
The lie slipped easily off of her tongue. It wasn't completely false—she did need time. Regardless, Christina gave her a critical look. Right. Candor.
"Ok, if you say so. Are you hungry? You missed dinner but I brought down a salad for you if you want?" Christina's Candor peeked out as her sentence became tangled together in a jumbled string of words. Tris chuckled.
"You didn't have to do that, that's so sweet." Honestly, food had been the last thing on her mind for the past few hours.
Christina shrugged. "Don't get used to it, but do you want it?"
"Yeah, that'd be great." They made their way over to Christina's bunk, which was right next to Tris's. She pulled out a plastic container with a chicken salad inside from under her bunk and handed it to Tris. "Thank you."
"No problem." Tris sat down and opened the container to start eating. Christina sat down next to her. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, why?" She took a bite of the salad, realizing how hungry she actually was once her body recognized the food.
"Your face is kind of red." Damn Candors.
"Does it look that bad?"
"Well, your left cheek looks like a child's coloring page when they only had black and blue crayons."
Will chuckled as he walked up to where they were sitting. He sat on the floor in front of them, drinking water from the water bottles they had been given the first day. Tris raised her eyebrows.
"Don't listen to her, Tris," Al said from his top bunk a few feet away. "Your face looks fine. Well, not fine, I mean, it looks good. It always looks good. I mean-" His cheeks were bright red. "You look brave. Like a true Dauntless."
"Thanks, Al." Tris couldn't help but respond in a dulled voice. She felt bad, but at the same time, she really hoped Al didn't think they had a chance together. His compliments always left her feeling a bit uncomfortable. Even if she wasn't with Toby, she couldn't be attracted to Al, especially since he was so fragile. Being with Toby taught her that she needed someone strong to help her be strong.
She needed Toby.
Christina was grinning wildly at her, so Tris jabbed her in the ribs softly which caused Christina to giggle audibly. Will smiled at the exchange.
"Tris, while you were gone Eric told us that we are going on a field trip tomorrow. We have to be on the train tomorrow by 8:15," Will said, leaning back on his hands. Tris grimaced.
"Thanks for telling me. Any clue where?" He shook his head. Tris sighed. "Lovely, a surprise from Eric in the morning. That's going to go well."
Any lingering tension concerning Tris's disappearance broke as everyone laughed at her sarcasm. Tris smiled. For a small moment, she was able to forget all about what she had learned from Shauna and of the inevitability of breaking the news to Toby. At that moment, things seemed like they would be okay. And maybe, just maybe, they would.
The next morning, Tris woke up with all too familiar stiff joints and sore muscles. Even though it made it more difficult to move, she was well used to pushing through soreness, so it wasn't too difficult to get dressed in time to walk with Christina and Will to the train tracks. On their way, the trio stopped by the cafeteria to pick up a quick breakfast to eat on the way
When they reached the tracks, about half of the other initiates were mingling around. Four stood a distance away from them with his arms crossed over his chest. The tight-fitting shirt he was wearing left no room for the imagination about how prominent his arm and ab muscles were. Tris blushed at the sight and tried not to stare too long. It was a struggle.
After a few more minutes the rest of the group joined them. Four gave them a once-over glance, nodded toward the approaching train, and then ran ahead of the group. Getting the memo, the group followed alongside the train. The wind from the fast-moving train whipped her hair over her face, momentarily distracting Tris from the others who were jumping into the carts.
Her legs burned from running. Not from exhaustion but from stiffness. She refused to be left behind, but it was a struggle to keep up with the rest. Her lungs burned, her throat hurt, and her head pounded. She had run with worse injuries though, so she forced herself to keep going. With one final sprint, Tris made it up and into a cart before the train reached the end of the tracks.
"Feeling ok there? Or are you a little...stiff?" Peter said. He and his jockeys laughed, only managing to get Tris to roll her eyes. The stiff jokes had gotten old by the 4th grade. To say she was over them was an understatement.
"I'm in awe of your incredible wit. Are you sure you don't belong in Erudite? I heard they don't object to sissies." Christina's wit to her defense. She was starting to admire how Christina always managed to think of comebacks just in time. Tris smiled at her, who nodded back in acknowledgment of what she was trying to say. Thank you.
After a while, people in the front carts started to jump out. Taking that as their cue, everyone in Tris's cart began to jump. Following suit, she jumped right after Peter. The ground was cold and harsh against her bruised limbs, but Tris picked herself up and followed the group as Tobias led them through a field where Dauntless troops roamed.
"If you don't end up in the top 5 you will probably end up here, guarding the fence," Tobias stated bluntly. Faces in the group dropped as reality set in, but Tris's face hardened. She would be in the top 5. She had to be.
"Guarding what?" Will asked. Tobias shrugged nonchalantly.
"I guess you'll find out if you join, won't you?"
"What rank were you?" Peter's voice piped up from the back of the group.
Tobias let his eyes show a tad of pride. "I was first."
Tris kept herself from smiling with pride but the corners of her lips turned upwards regardless. No surprise there.
"And you chose to do this? Why didn't you get a job in government?"
Tris flinched. A job in government meant he would have to see his father again. It meant doing the same job as the monster that he had feared his whole life. She hated that his father had taken that opportunity from him. Toby would make such a good leader.
"I didn't want one." That was the tone he used to make it clear that the conversation had ended. She had only heard him speak that way a few times before.
An Amity truck drove up to them, filled with people with huge grins on their faces.
"Beatrice?" Her head snapped in the direction of the truck out of confusion. She saw Tobias turn his head to look too, confused as to who knew her name and why. Robert hopped off of the truck and walked towards her. "Beatrice, what happened to your face?"
"Nothing, just training." She kept her voice flat, emotionless. Anything to end the conversation as soon as possible.
"Beatrice? That's your name?" Molly sneered.
"What did you think Tris stood for?" She retorted, frustrated that Molly was looking to pick another fight.
"I don't know, stupid maybe. Oh, wait, my mistake. That doesn't have Tris in it."
"They don't seem nice," Robert said softly. "You know, if you wanted to go home I'm sure Abnegation would make an exception-"
"No," she stated stubbornly, refusing to even think about living in that grey city again. "Dauntless is my home now. Faction before Blood. This is what I chose."
Robert gave her a dubious glance. He patted her shoulder, letting his hand linger to rub his thumb in circles before he turned around to head for the truck. Tobias cleared his throat and instructed the group to head back to the train tracks. Everyone complied, walking ahead as Tobias trailed behind. Tris followed his lead until they were walking a few yards behind everyone.
Tris sighed, realizing his shoulders were tight, "what's wrong?"
"I don't like how he talked to you."
She rolled her eyes. Toby was protective about the smallest things, things he didn't need to worry about. At all. "It's not like I'm having a fling with him or anything. It's just the Amity happiness. Nothing you should be worried about."
Toby stopped walking suddenly and softly touched her cheek. "How are you feeling?"
She shrugged. "Fine, it's hardly anything."
Toby raised an eyebrow and said nothing for a few moments, letting them walk in silence until he spoke softly. "I love you."
Tris glanced up at him quickly, surprised at his sudden display of emotions. Heat flickered in her core at his low voice before she remembered where they were. She looked around. All the other initiates were ahead of them, too busy talking about the careers they wanted after training. Tris grabbed his hand and squeezed it quickly. "I love you too."
He shook his head. "No, you don't get it. I love you. Watching Peter hit you like that while I couldn't do anything made me puke. I just want to be there for you and help you. But I can't do that if you won't let me in to know what's wrong, Bea."
Guilt clawed at her stomach. If he knew...he wouldn't be able to live with himself.
It was at that moment she realized that she couldn't tell him about Marcus and what happened in Abnegation after he transferred. It would break him, he would be scared to touch her or talk to her in case he 'hurt' her. He was overly cautious like that, which was endlessly frustrating. Tris sighed.
"It's ok, Tobias. I'm okay, I'm here right where you can protect me." She brushed her fingers against his arm out of reassurance, "I love you, nothing is going to happen to me or to my love for you. Forever and always, yeah?" She made sure to look into his eyes as she made her promise and held his gaze until he gave a tiny nod back. She nodded to affirm his silent answer before she ran ahead to jump into a cart, trusting and knowing he would follow her. And he did.