Hey guys! Before we head into the next chapter, I just want to give a quick shoutout to my friend Angel, who helped edit this chapter and motivated me to write this and the last one. You have her to thank that I've been writing these last few days. Anyways, she's awesome and great and all things wonderful and yeah. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter!
Tobias POV
Uriah and I get back to my apartment five minutes later. I pick Tris up again out of the back seat, careful to place my hands on her neck and the back of her knees where it will hurt the least for her to be carried.
"Thanks for the help, Uriah."
"No problem dude. Take care of her, alright? I know you will but...she's already like a little sister to me. I can't lose her."
"I can't either, Uriah. I'll do everything I can. I'll keep you updated."
"Alright man, thanks."
He drives back to the control room, and I rush inside with Tris. I fall into the all too familiar routine that I followed almost every night in Abnegation. Except, this time it was with someone else's back.
I lay Tris on my bed on her stomach and head to my bathroom. With shaking hands, I pull out the first aid kit and gauze. I wet a black towel with warm water and grab another dry one before heading back to my room and push all thoughts other than helping Tris away into a dark corner. Selfishness is the last thing I need right now. Right now, Tris needs me. And I'm not going to ignore her this time.
I gently peel off my shirt, for once thankful that she is unconscious. I'm not sure I could handle doing this with her consciously feeling this pain. I don't know how she did it with me all the times that she did. My heart shatters at the lashes on her back. New and old, though the old ones are barely visible. And a tattoo, covered in blood. Stop getting distracted.
I wash off the blood with the wet towel and make sure that the cuts have stopped bleeding and before I dry her back off. I add anti-bacterial and numbing cream before wrapping her back in gauze. I do the same to her arms and legs, but instead of gauze, I use bandages. I dress her in the smallest shirt and pair of pants that I could find in my dresser, but they were still huge on her.
I wash my hands in the bathroom, watching the blood turn the water pink as it swirls down the drain. I need to go to the training room and punch something. I need to hunt down that bastard and teach him one of his own I can't. I need to be here when Bea wakes up, which is who knows when.
I drag a chair from my kitchen and pull it beside my bed. I grab Bea's hand, finding comfort in the faint but steady pulse in her wrist. I can't believe I let this happen. I had tried so hard to prevent this, I had hoped so hard that this wouldn't happen. That she wouldn't have to go through the pain I did. Go through the fear I did. The loneliness.
"I'm sorry Bea." I choke out, tears streaming down my face. I can't bring myself to wipe them away. "I'm sorry that I let this happen. I'm sorry I didn't notice. I failed you. I don't know why you don't hate me already. Or maybe you do, and you've just been hiding it. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
The words come pouring out, and I am unable to hold them back. "You don't deserve this. You don't deserve me. You never have. I don't know why you stayed. Why you followed me. It only leads to this, to pain. And I'm sorry. You're too perfect for that. You don't deserve that in your life."
"I wish I could take this away from you. I wish I had noticed sooner and had been able to help. You've been fighting on your own for so long. Why didn't you just ask for help?"
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like you were for me. I'm sorry I wasn't there to clean your back and comfort you in the closet. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from that monster. I'm-"
"Shhh," I stop mid-sentence. Did I imagine the sound, or was she awake? "Toby...it wasn't you're fault." Bea's eyes squinted open. Her voice is hoarse and quiet. "It's okay, honestly."
"No, it's not. I-"
"Toby, listen to me, okay?" She turns onto her side with a grunt and looks into my eyes. "I kept this from you. It's my fault, not yours. I didn't want you to know. I tried to hide it from you. You didn't know because I did everything I could to keep you from knowing."
"Why?" She sighed.
"I've meant to tell you. Honest. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tell you that you're worst fear had come true. I couldn't break your heart like that. I mean, look at you. I haven't seen you cry this much in years. I didn't want to make you hurt like that."
"So you hid it until he came here and beat you unconscious?" She flinched.
"That wasn't part of the plan, but I guess, yeah." I shake my head. "Can you help me sit up?"
"Won't that hurt your back?"
"The numbing cream here is a lot more powerful than the one in Abnegation. I barely feel anything right now, so no."
"Alright, I'll help you." I gently hold her back as she pushes herself up. "Better?"
"Much."
"Do you want some water?"
"Uh, yes, please. And maybe some crackers?" I nod and get it quickly from my kitchen. I come back and hand her a glass of water and a plate of saltine crackers.
"Is that alright?" She gives me a small smile.
"Perfect." I nod, deciding silence is the best policy right now. She needs to lead the talking. I've already invaded her secrets enough. "So I guess I should tell you everything now."
"Whatever you feel comfortable telling me." She gives me a wry grin before biting into another cracker.
"If that were the case, it would be nothing. But I need to tell you; I know I do. I'm just...scared."
"Why?" She pauses for a moment, finishing her cracker and taking a sip of water. For a second I worry that I've already pushed too far, but then she starts to speak.
"I almost feel like its invalid... you dealt with him for ten years, and here am I complaining about barely seven months with him." So it wasn't the entire year. That's good news.
"Tris, you were still abused. For however long doesn't affect that fact. I'm not going to see you as weak for telling me about it."
"I guess."
"I'm not going to judge you. Or criticize you. I just want to know what you went through so I can help you. Protect you. Keep things like today from happening again." She flinches, but nods.
"Alright. I-I'll try." She breaks eye contact with me.
"It happened after Visiting Day. Or on Visiting Day actually. I came back from visiting you on the train and jumped off. It was still the middle of the day, and I thought both of our dads would be at work.
"They weren't. Marcus was waiting for me at the train tracks. He dragged me to my house, and apparently, my dad was worried sick. They talked about my 'punishment.' Eventually, they decided that they would pull me out of school and that I would help Marcus around the house every day instead.
"I'm sorry, Toby. I know I told you I would try and avoid him. I really did try. I did everything right besides that one thing. I had to visit you on Visiting day. I told you that I would, and they were all supposed to be at work. I'm so, so sorry." Her shoulders shake, and her breath catches.
"Bea, calm down. I'm not mad at you." I try and make my voice as soft as I can. She can't blame herself for this. It's not her fault in any way.
"You're-you're not?" She hiccups.
"No, not at all. You tried your best. Marcus is a sneaky bastard with power that he manipulates for his own good. Stop blaming yourself." A bit of tension relaxes in her shoulders.
"Okay, okay." She whispers. I rub her shoulders with my hand, careful to avoid any of her major cuts.
"Are you alright to keep going?"
"Yeah, give me a sec." She takes a deep breath and another sip of water. "So that's what I did. I basically moved in with him. There was no point in going to my house every night since I was expected there before dawn the next morning, and you know what would happen if I was late. Plus, it was rare for me to have no visible bruises. Marcus stopped trying to hide them once you left. The first few weeks weren't too bad. Only a shove or yell a few times a day. It confused me more than anything.
"Training kept me sane. I did it during the day while he was away. It was risky, but not as risky as going at night. And I rarely was capable of walking at night let alone climbing out the window."
"It was that bad?" I whisper, my heart breaking for the pain she had to go through alone.
"Most nights, yeah. He took his anger about you on me, as you predicted before you left.
Then, of course, there were the things I messed up that made him mad too. He was pretty much always mad at me."
"I managed it for a while. Thinking about meeting you in the training room kept me going. I looked forward to it for weeks."
"Why didn't you come?" Tris flinches, and her hand flies to her necklace. "I'm sorry, am I pushing you too far? We can stop here?" She shakes her head.
"No, I need to tell you. I want to tell you." A bit of warm relief spreads through my chest. At least she knows I'm not forcing her into this. "I, uh, that day he found out about my necklace. The one you gave me? I knew I should have hidden it in the training room once I started living with Marcus, but I couldn't. It kept me sane during the beatings, while you were gone. He found out about it one night and threw a fit. He ripped it off of me and hid it. Then he-he,"
"Shhh, I've got you. He's gone. I'm not letting him touch you ever again. Promise."
"He beat me really hard that night. He only beat me unconscious a few times before, and that was one of the nights. He locked me in the closet for a few days after that. So, yeah. I wasn't really able to see you that night. I felt awful. I hated that you didn't know why I didn't come. I hated that you would think I abandoned you. Especially after the second time."
Guilt washes over me. I can't believe that all this time I thought she chose to ignore me, that she decided I wasn't worthy enough to come out. She had been fucking unconscious in a closet.
"I'm sorry that I didn't come find you. I'm sorry that you had to go through that alone. You shouldn't have. You didn't deserve it. Any of it."
She chuckles coldly.
"You don't even know the half of it." I flinch. "I'm sorry, that was so uncalled for."
"No, you're right. I don't. Don't be sorry. Why weren't you there the second time?" Her body begins to shake harder. "Shhh, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to judge or leave you because of what happened. I went through it too. I'm here for you. I've got you, shhh."
Tears stream down her face, and I wipe them away with my thumb before, but she continues. "Before I knew you wanted to meet, I planned to steal back the necklace while Marcus was at work one day. So after he left in the morning I went into his room and found the necklace. I ran it over to the training room, knowing that he would search me for it as soon as he found out it was missing." I grab her hand and squeeze it. I already don't like where this story is going.
"When I got to the room I saw your note, but I had already taken the necklace, so I hid it and hoped he wouldn't notice for a few days. I wasn't so lucky. It had been in his shaving drawer in his bathroom so he would find out eventually.
"He, he found out that night. After dinner, he went upstairs and then he came back down, which you know isn't normal for him. He was fuming, and my sarcasm didn't help."
"Wait, your sarcasm? You were sarcastic to Marcus?" She chuckled.
"Yeah. I knew he was mad and was going to beat me unconscious anyways. I was fed up and said and did some stuff."
"Like what?" I could barely get through a beating, let alone be sarcastic to him.
"When he was half choking me against the wall, I spat in his face and called him a bastard." I flinch and push back all the memories of him doing the same thing to me.
"You did what?" A grin spreads across my face. "I can't believe you actually did that."
"Me neither. Afterwards, he kicked me a lot, but then my dad knocked on the door, so I had to go upstairs and wait." I flinch again. Waiting was the worst. Especially if someone interrupted. He would just come back more angry than before.
"What did your dad want?"
"He wanted me to come home. Apparently, he and my mom both knew what was happening, but they never said anything because Marcus was, well, Marcus. But apparently, they were tired of never seeing me, so he told Marcus I had to be back by the end of the weekend." She sighed. "I only wish he had done it sooner and he could have helped you." I squeeze her shoulder.
"It's alright Tris. I had you to help me." But I can't help but wish the same thing…
"That really pissed him off. He thought I told him or something, which I didn't. He came upstairs and beat me like normal. I ended up in the closet that night too." She ends it really quickly and hunches her shoulders. I can tell she's holding back, but I don't want to push her too much.
"He didn't beat you unconscious?"
"No," she agreed.
"He didn't do anything else?" Please say no again, please agree with me.
"Um, not exactly." I knew it was too good to be true. I wait for her to continue speaking. Her hands are shaking even harder now, and the water glass shakes as she tries to lift it to her lips. I cover her hands with mine, steadily guiding the cup to her mouth. She took a sip, and I set the glass on the bedside table. I hold her hands again, squeezing them in an attempt to comfort her. "He really wanted to find that necklace. It wasn't on me, obviously. If it were, I probably would have been unconscious that night. But he couldn't find it. He-he made m-me t-t-take of-f m-my c-clothes s-so h-h-he c-c-could check." I freeze. No. No, no, no. Marcus was a monster, but not that much of a monster. "I tried to stop him, Tobias. I really did. But I hurt so bad and he was so strong and forceful, and it hurt so bad, Toby. So, so bad." By now she was sobbing into my chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
I climb onto the bed with her and wrap my arms around her shoulders in a silent comfort. She climbs onto my lap, and I rock her back and forth, whispering kind words into her ear. Her entire body is shaking. She doesn't need my anger now, even though I want to kill Marcus for what he's done to her. If it hadn't been for that necklace...guilt washes over me again. This is all my fault.
"Shh, Bea, don't apologize. It's not your fault."
"But I could have done something to stop him. I was weak and cowardly and pathetic, and now I'm just a dirty slut and-and you're going to realize it and realize what a waste of time I am and hate me and leave."
"Bea, you are none of those things. Did Marcus tell you that?" She nods, and I wonder how many times he had to have said it for her to believe such pathetic rubbish. "It's not true. I love you, Bea. I hate Marcus for what he did to you. You're beautiful and perfect, and everything that I want and need."
"You don't have to lie for me, you know. I know the truth." Her voice is soft, and I just barely hear it.
"I'm not lying, Bea. Whatever he told you was lies. Believe me, I know how hard it is to forget. I have unloveable carved into my back for fuck's sake. But it isn't true." I shake my head. "Did he do it more than once?" I feel her head nod against my chest. I feel nauseous with grief and guilt. "Jesus, Bea. I had no idea. I'm so sorry. If I hadn't bought you that necklace, none of this would have happened."
"This isn't your fault either, Toby." Her voice is sharp again, and louder. "You just told me how this wasn't my fault, but it isn't yours either. You could have done just as much as I could have."
'If I hadn't bought the necklace for you though…"
"He would have found some other excuse. It's not your fault, okay?" I nod.
"Have you tried to get help from someone since you came here?" She nods.
"Yeah, I had to go to the doctor because it still hurt after a few months, which even I knew wasn't right and I got a therapist. Do you know Shauna?"
"Zeke's wife?"
"Yeah, her. She specializes in domestic violence and rape cases. It was a coincidence really. She's helped me a lot mentally. Physically, well, before this happened, I was alright." She gulps and pauses. I don't say anything, realizing that she is preparing to say something. "When she scanned me, she realized that he had caused a lot of damage down there. She said, she said one of my ovaries collapsed from the trauma and that my fertility rate decreased by 50%." My heart drops. Not only did Marcus take away her virginity, but he took away half of her likelihood to have children?
She chokes on another sob. "And I know it shouldn't mean much because I wasn't planning on having children for a few years anyway, but he took that from me, Tobias. He took that from us." Tears gather in my eyes, but I hold them back the best I can. I have to stay strong for Tris. She chokes back another sob. "Later, she said I had to refrain, refrain from sex for a year to recover, which I was okay with. I wouldn't have been able to mentally anyways. Apparently, it would decrease my chances by another 15% because of how much damage he caused. Any more stress on that area and it would tear up more than it already was ."
"Well, that's ok. We can get through that much Bea. I don't mind." She gulped and turned around, so her eyes stared straight into mine. Tears glistened, sparkling in front of her grey eyes.
"That's not the thing. Today. He...he did it again. In the office after he beat me." I can't hold back my tears anymore. I let them fall freely, let them stream down my face. I pull her close to my chest again, savoring her comforting warmth. I rock back and forth, both of us comforting each other.
"You don't deserve this, Bea. You don't deserve any of it. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him. I'm so, so, sorry."
"Will you come to my next appointment with Shauna?" She whispered, looking up at me shyly. I look at her, surprised. "Everything in the sessions is confidential, and she knows about us from Zeke, and she's asked me a few times to bring you, once I tell you everything."
"I don't want to intrude or anything," I stutter. She smiles.
"You won't. I mean...if you don't feel comfortable going, I completely understand. You don't have to go, I was just asking cause she's brought it up a few times and I was wondering, but you don't have to go or anything."
"Bea, I'm honored that you trust me enough to ask me. I'll go." She grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly while looking up at me with a tiny bit of hope.
"Thank you." I give her a small smile.
"Anything for you Bea, anything at all."