Prompt: CCS Pride Week 2019 Day 5 – Q is for Questioning
Akiho was confused. It was wonderful to have friends, and she wouldn't go back to her early days of traveling alone with Kaito, having no one her own age to talk to and spending long hours with only her books for company, but there was so much she had no basis for understanding. Every day she learned something new, and sometimes it was like being adrift in a sea of ideas she'd never once thought about before.
She'd learned that love wasn't as simple as it was in the stories. There was no such thing as a One True Love who you were destined to be together with, who'd know you right away and save you with a kiss. Sometimes you loved someone who didn't even notice you.
After talking to Tomoyo about it, Akiho thought she'd be okay. Even if Kaito never noticed how she felt. Even if he didn't return her feelings. It would be alright. She could still be happy just to spend time with him.
Tomoyo had been a great help. She seemed to know just what to say to make Akiho feel better. Akiho couldn't help but smile when she thought back on it.
Tomoyo was a wonderful person. Akiho was coming to enjoy spending time with her more and more. She was such a graceful person. She had a lovely singing voice, and it was a joy to stand beside her in the risers at choir practice. The way she thought of the world and interacted with it was so kind and generous that Akiho worried about her getting hurt.
It took Akiho a while to get there, but she did realize that the way she was coming to feel about Tomoyo was different from how she felt about Sakura, or their other friends. It was closer to how she felt about Kaito.
She may have panicked a little when she realized that. Akiho had only just come to terms with liking Kaito, and with knowing that he'd only ever see her as a little girl. Liking Tomoyo was a whole new adventure.
She'd thought she understood herself. Well enough, anyway. But this left her confused, and maybe a little frightened.
She'd thought it was simple enough. Even if it seemed insurmountable, it wasn't complicated. Akiho knew how she felt about Kaito, and she knew that Kaito didn't feel the same way about her. It hurt, but it was easy to understand.
It hadn't occurred to her that she might feel the same way about someone else. It hadn't occurred to her that she might feel that way about another girl.
She didn't know what this said about her. In the books she read, people usually only liked one gender. She couldn't remember hearing about anyone who liked more than one.
But then, Akiho would be the first to admit she didn't know very much about people. Maybe it wasn't as strange as it seemed.
She wished she could talk to Tomoyo about it, but that would be too discomfiting. If there was anything Akiho was certain of, it was that she wasn't ready for Tomoyo to know she might have romantic feelings for her.
So she kept those feelings a secret deep in her heart. Tomoyo had let her know it was okay if you loved someone who didn't love you back. It didn't have to be lonely – it was all in how you looked at it.
She didn't expect her feelings to grow. She looked forward to school and choir practice because Tomoyo would be there. She dreaded seeing Tomoyo, because Akiho didn't understand how she felt.
Best of all, and worst of all, were the times she spent with her friends outside of organizes situations like choir and class. Akiho hadn't had friends before, and she wasn't always sure how to behave.
(Maybe she liked Tomoyo because she was a friend, a good friend, and it wasn't at all like she felt about Kaito.)
(But Sakura was her good friend too, and Akiho liked her very much, but it wasn't the same way she felt about Tomoyo at all.)
She was too nervous to go to Tomoyo's house on her own anymore, but when Sakura invited both Akiho and Tomoyo over after school one afternoon, Akiho thought it would be okay. There were three of them, and it was nice to hang out.
It was just the three of them; Sakura explained that her father and older brother were both at work. Akiho tried to ignore the way her heart sped up as she sneaked a glance at Tomoyo.
It wasn't like they were going to be alone.
Sakura led the girls into her living room. Akiho had been here a few times before; she liked how close and homey it felt.
"I'm sorry, Akiho-chan." Sakura interrupted herself in the middle of a story about a particularly tricky move the cheer squad had been working on in practice. "I haven't had a chance yet to ask my dad about taking you down to the library yet."
"Oh, that's fine," Akiho replied. She hadn't expected to see the books today anyway.
"Okay!" Sakura beamed at her. "I just wanted you to know i didn't forget."
Akiho couldn't help but smile back. "Thank you."
"Did you figure out the landing in the end?" Tomoyo asked, gently bringing the conversation back to the story Sakura had been telling.
"Uh-huh!" Sakura grinned. "We just had to keep better track of the timing."
"I can't wait to film it at your next performance," Tomoyo replied.
"Ho-hoe." Sakura laughed a little, clearly embarrassed. Akiho could understand how she felt. She'd be nothing but nerves with a video camera pointed in her direction. Unless it was for choir – it was different when you were part of a group. You didn't notice as much, and there were other people being filmed with you as well.
Akiho wondered how it would feel to have Tomoyo film her, and her whole body heated up in an instant blush.
"Akiho-chan? Are you alright?" Tomoyo asked. That didn't help. Akiho knew she meant well, but it didn't help.
"I'm fine!" she gasped. "I was just – thinking about something else." She only realized when it came out that it sounded rude, like she was ignoring Sakura's story. "I mean – i didn't mean–"
"Was it in one of your books?" Sakura asked. She didn't seem offended at all.
Of course Akiho hadn't been thinking of a book, but she was working her way through quite a good fantasy novel in her free time, so she was able to tell them about the latest twists. "And then she turned out to be a dragon, who'd only taken the form of an elf, but he's having such a hard time accepting it!"
Sakura and Tomoyo commiserated with her. Sakura was just assuring her that the elf-lord would definitely come around when the doorbell rang.
Sakura jumped up. "Excuse me a minute." She cast a quick smile at both of them, and Akiho and Tomoyo were left alone in Sakura's living room.
Akiho glanced at Tomoyo, who looked politely curious, then back down at her own lap. She fidgeted. It was hard to be on her own with Tomoyo now – she didn't know what to do. She should say something, shouldn't she? But what? All Akiho could think of were the questions she had about her own heart, bubbling up into her throat. She didn't think she could hold them back forever.
Tomoyo glanced over at her. "Is something wrong, Akiho-san?"
Akiho flushed brilliantly. She hadn't thought she would be that easy to read. She just hoped Tomoyo didn't realize she was thinking about her. "I just – i have some things on my mind."
"About Kaito-san?"
"Ah, not exactly," Akiho replied haltingly.
"Would you like to talk about it?" Tomoyo seemed just as serene as ever. Akiho had no way of knowing if she might feel as uncertain as Akiho did.
Akiho would like to talk about it, but the thought of doing so with Tomoyo filled her with a sort of terror she had never felt before. She thought of the bravest heroines in her storybooks – the dragon must have felt similarly when she showed her true self – steeled herself, and said, "You told me before that the person you loved was a girl."
Tomoyo's face grew serious. "Yes, i did."
Akiho knew this was going to come out sounding completely wrong – not at all the way she intended – but she could no longer hold the questions back. "Do you ever – feel like you like boys too?"
"No, i don't," Tomoyo said quietly, and Akiho felt the world falling out from under her. She should have known – she was entirely odd – this wasn't normal at all.
"Some people do like girls and boys both," Tomoyo continued, "but i'm not one of them."
And just like that, she provided a line for Akiho to cling to. "Really?" she asked, feeling something like hope lighten her chest. "It's not – strange?"
Tomoyo smiled at her, as if she suddenly understood. "No, it's not strange."
"I just thought it was normal to like girls and boys," Sakura said. Akiho jumped – she hadn't heard Sakura coming back. Tomoyo just smiled on, reinforcing Akiho's suspicion that nothing ever surprised her.
"It's a nice feeling to be in love," Sakura continued, coming to sit on the sofa beside Tomoyo. She set a package down on the coffee table. "It's all warm and floaty. I've felt that way before about boys and girls, and i thought it was the same for everyone. It was Chiharu-chan who finally told me it wasn't."
Akiho had been feeling better, but now she looked down again. "So it's not normal, then? To like both?"
Sakura waved her arms wildly. "That's not what i meant! It's fine! Um!"
"Breathe, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo said gently.
Sakura took a deep breath. "Thanks." Turning to Akiho, she said, "I was worried too when i first found out, really worried, but my big brother helped me out a lot. He's usually a jerk, but this time he was really nice. He likes both too, and he said it's totally fine. It's called being bisexual, and it's actually really common."
"Even just in our group, i would say that it's not unusual to like both," Tomoyo put in. "Li-kun is bisexual as well, right?"
"Yes!" Sakura exclaimed. "It was the first thing we could agree on, how much we both loved Yukito-san."
Akiho's face went a brilliant pink. "Is that so?"
"Yeah!" Sakura laughed a little, self-consciously. "So, it's just, it's not a big deal. You like who you like, and you shouldn't worry over things like what gender they are. All that matters is that you like them, and if they're a good person. That's all!"
"Yes, that's right." Tomoyo took Akiho's hand. "You're a wonderful person, Akiho, and i'm sure that whoever you love will be wonderful too. I'm sure you'll be very happy no matter what."
Akiho absolutely could not say that it was Tomoyo she thought she was coming to love. Not now. Not like this. She cast a glance at Sakura, as if her friend could somehow rescue her.
Maybe Sakura could tell that Akiho wanted rescuing, because she started talking again. "My brother brought me hot chocolate, and he didn't even put anything weird in it. And so!" she leaped to her feet. "I'm gonna make some hot chocolate for everyone!" She stuttered. "If you want some?"
Akiho nodded dumbly. It was a good thing Sakura was here. Both because of her explanation, and how she cared.
"Of course." Tomoyo smiled. "Would you like some help?"
"Sure!" Sakura seized Akiho's hand. "Come on, Akiho-chan, you come too. We'll do it together!"
Akiho closed her eyes, then smiled up at her friend. She believed in Sakura and Tomoyo. She would be alright. "Yes!"
A/N: Hot chocolate is the solution to all (most) worries. Also, Touya being a good big bro is life.