This chapter got a complete overhaul. I don't think I found anything in the original that I wanted to save, so it was clearly the weakest chapter. Literally, just awful. In fairness to me, the source material was on the weaker side and as I mentioned before, I initially felt too constrained by the original games to deviate. But, yeah, I'm embarrassed. In rewriting this chapter my goal was to vastly improve upon the first attempt and make this chapter more than filler. Here's to second chances.
No Matter the Cost
Shepard slammed a biotically wreathed fist into her locker causing the metal to warp and twist beneath her knuckles. As she pulled her hand away and surveyed the damage, her mind automatically ran through the regulations she had just violated: conduct unbecoming an officer, damage to Alliance property, and endangerment of a vessel under her command. The thoughts came and went without sparking any feeling in the commander. It wouldn't matter in a couple of hours. Saren would find the Conduit, bring back the Reapers, and they'd all be dead. The Alliance was welcome to court martial her corpse if it wanted to.
Leaning her back against the locker, Shepard sank down into a sitting position with her legs drawn up, elbows rested on knees. She felt empty, her mind stuck between the realization that she had been betrayed, that she had been a fool to trust the Council and Udina in the first place, and the overwhelming thought that none of it would matter once Saren reached Ilos. It was clear now that the Council had never taken anything she said seriously. They had humored her as long as she got results, but trust had never factored into the equation. And now that Shepard was asking for them to put their faith in her, they had balked at the idea.
She had been outplayed. They'd used Shepard's misguided trust in them to lure her back to the Citadel and ground the Normandy. And now, because of her blunder, everyone in the galaxy would pay. The enormity of her failure made her feel completely numb.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Liara round the elevator well. She looked around, her face a mask of worry. The asari spotted Shepard and walked over, stopping beside the crushed locker. Her eyes registered the damage before focusing on the commander. "Garrus just told me what happened. Are you ok, Shepard?" she asked.
Shepard couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. "It doesn't matter. None of us will be ok in a few hours."
"Unless we do something about it."
"Do what? In case you don't know what a lockdown is, it means we don't even have control of the ship right now. And even if we bypassed that, we'd be shot down the second we tried to leave. They outplayed me, Liara. I'm out of bright ideas."
"So, your plan is just to give up? That is not the Commander Shepard I know."
Shepard gave the other woman a withering look. "I'm a bit fed up with being Commander Shepard right now. Commander Shepard just walked into a trap and doomed the whole galaxy as a result. Commander Shepard just got her ass handed to her by a bunch of sniveling politicians."
Liara sighed and crouched down so that they were on eye level. "I understand that you are frustrated, but we do not have time for that right now. You need to get it together."
Shepard couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. This was the Liara she liked best; the one who wasn't afraid to boss her around and tell Shepard exactly what she thought. She doubted anyone else would have the courage to tell Commander Shepard to just snap out it. Somehow, despite her own frustration, Shepard found herself marveling at how Liara always seemed to know what she needed.
Looking into Liara's blue eyes, Shepard felt that now familiar pang in her chest. She wanted so desperately to kiss her. And why shouldn't she? Playing by the rules clearly had not worked out in her or anyone else's favor. Chances were good they'd all be dead in a few hours, so what was the harm in trying to find a little happiness?
Raising an eyebrow at Liara, Shepard couldn't help teasing, "Who said you could give me orders, T'Soni?"
Picking up on Shepard's playful tone, Liara smiled and shrugged. "If you do not lead us out of this mess, then I will have to do it. And I really do not want to."
Shepard chuckled, exhaled slowly, and ran her fingers through her hair, although she was careful not to disturb the bun itself. She forced herself to clear her mind and think rationally. Liara was right: she couldn't just give up and wait for Saren to show up with the Reapers in tow. She needed to figure out how to escape with the Normandy no matter the cost. It was time to break some rules. Shepard could deal with any consequences later if they were still alive.
"I'll think of something," she said.
Liara straightened back up and offered her hand to Shepard. As she gripped the asari's hand, Shepard couldn't help but notice the spark she felt at the contact. Inwardly, she felt somewhat embarrassed that even the barest touch sent her thoughts racing about all the things she couldn't have.
Liara pulled the commander to her feet, and Shepard found herself standing mere inches away from Liara, still holding her hand. Her chest felt tight as she looked into Liara's eyes and saw the same quiet desperation that she felt. The injustice of it felt crushing. Shepard had played by the rules and denied herself a meaningful connection with Liara. She had also played by the rules and reported to the Citadel as her superiors commanded, and now the galaxy was on the edge of the apocalypse. It seemed like the rules were doing nothing but harm. And the only thing Shepard could think was, Screw it. We might be dead anyway.
Wrapping her free arm around Liara's waist, Shepard pulled the other woman to her and kissed her. There was a brief second of surprise and tension from Liara, and for a moment Shepard wondered if she would push her away, but then Liara kissed her back. The asari placed her free hand at the back of Shepard's neck and leaned into the commander. Shepard felt almost lightheaded as her senses filled with nothing but Liara. It felt surreal to feel Liara's lips pressed against hers, to have the warmth of her body pushed up against her. There wasn't a single thought in her head other than she wanted more.
It felt good, but more than anything it felt right. Keeping distance from Liara and suppressing her feelings had felt miserable. As much as Shepard had tried to deny it, Liara had some unnamable power over her. There was relief in submitting to that power, and in the physical confirmation from Liara returning the kiss that she felt it too.
Time lost all meaning and Shepard had no idea how long they had been standing there completely absorbed in one another before Joker's voice sounded over the ship-wide intercom. "Commander, Captain Anderson asked to see you immediately. He wants you to meet him at Flux." The sudden interruption nearly made Shepard jump out of her skin. Breaking the kiss abruptly, she looked around expecting to see the pilot standing behind them. But they were still alone, and Shepard realized that Joker had simply made the announcement so that she would hear it anywhere on the ship. Looking back at Liara, the commander saw her own emotions reflected back at her: longing, fear, confusion. She didn't know what to say or do.
Liara seemed to have her thoughts in better order, and she stepped back from Shepard, pulling out of her embrace. "You should go speak with the captain. Maybe he can help us."
Shepard's throat felt tight, like the words were being involuntarily choked out of her. She stood for a minute just staring at Liara, unsure what she should do. She wanted to pull the other woman back into her arms. She wanted to surrender to that power again, that feeling of belonging she had felt. But she also knew that she wasn't supposed to do that. She knew that the galaxy expected complete devotion from Commander Shepard.
Finally, her training kicked in, and told her that the only thing she could do was her job. "Ok," she whispered. Turning, Shepard quickly headed towards the stairs. Her head was swimming with the memory of the kiss and her desire to turn back around and hold Liara in her arms again. But she pushed those thoughts down. Her moment of being human was over. The galaxy needed Commander Shepard again.
All things pass; love and mankind are grass.