Chapter 8: Nonexistent Memories

"Cousin. No, Klein… Who exactly are you?"

Klein frowned. This was a difficult question to answer. … What are his intentions? Did he finally realize I am really not his 'cousin'?

"What do you mean?" he asked, finally.

Kim Dokja sighed, and then elaborated, "You've changed." A pause. "You're keeping so many secrets. Even if you tell me one thing, there are ten more I don't understand. How did you teleport? How did you leave the scenario? How did you become a constellation? Why did you pretend to be me? I don't mind each one on its own, but the entire picture is too much." The words and complaints seemed to keep bursting out.

Klein was silent. He was unused to dealing with accusations like this. Answering one by one wouldn't satisfy his 'cousin'. The problem was deeper.

"You always have a sense of distance about you," Kim Dokja said, with frustration. "It's like I can't reach you."

Is this true? Klein then thought about the way he had usually acted in the Dream. Is it any different? Well, even in the real world, my therapist told me to 'lift my mask' a little…

"Ah," Lee Gilyoung's voice piped up. "You too, hyung."

"Yeah, ahjussi is always gone!" Shin Yoosung said.

Kim Dokja coughed. "This conversation isn't about me."

Klein was amused. 'Cousin', is this how you react when the tables are turned against you?

"See? It's that," Kim Dokja suddenly accused, pointing at him. "You're always smiling, but I can't tell what you're thinking at all. You didn't used to be that way all the time, only with strangers. Klein, you're… different."

"What do you remember me as?" Klein asked curiously.

"You always act kind, but afterwards when we were alone together, you would point out the contradictions in people's words and actions," Kim Dokja said with frustration. "In the dorm room, you would always be cooking, and then commenting about the different flavors. Then, you were often on the internet, studying random topics and typing up essays… I remember also when you told me about your failed confession, and were embarrassed even though it was many years later. Then when your parents visited, you would always chat, and … in your studies, you always…"

It was all accurate.

Klein was quiet.

… Is this the power of the Dream?

Klein looked at Kim Dokja with different eyes.

Kim Dokja truly did see him as his cousin.

"You failed in confessing to your crush?" Shin Yoosung asked Klein with great interest. "But you're more handsome than ajhussi."

"Shh, don't interrupt!" Lee Gilyoung criticized the other child.

They were both watching with wide eyes like this was a soap opera. Klein cleared his throat and said, "Why don't you two go visit Jihye-unni?"

"Ew, don't call her unni," Shin Yoosung said.

"He's saying it from our perspective, stupid," Lee Gilyoung said.

The children began bickering, but when Kim Dokja cleared his throat, they finally listened and vacated the premises. They really do only listen to him. But why does Shin Yoosung always call him ugly? Children must think in odd ways.

"Anyway," Kim Dokja coughed, looking glad that they were gone. "Klein… it's a bit shameful to say, but that time I spent with you after you moved to Korea was some of the best in my life. The military service ended it, but…"

[Some constellations think this is very sweet.]

[400 coins have been sponsored.]

Klein knew it had taken a lot of courage for Dokja, who was always very outwardly confident, but inwardly unconfident in matters related to himself, to say this. Even though Klein had never seen Kim Dokja fully as his cousin except when he was in his dream-like state, he felt…

"Are you sure these memories are not fabricated?"

Around them the party went on, with dancing, chatter, and laughter.

"What?"

"Are the memories fully consistent with how you have lived and thought? Are you sure they were not implanted?"

It really bothered Klein.

When Zhou Mingrui had been transmigrated into Klein, he had accepted it and decided to live as Klein. Melissa and Benson soon became shackles on his heart, and he cared about them deeply. However, that was because he had memories of them, and the life that Klein had lived with them beforehand was very real.

However, Klein's memories of his time here in the Dream were complete now. And Klein, in recalling each of his steps, could not remember ever being cousins with Kim Dokja in earnest.

"Yes, I'm sure," Kim Dokja said, but he looked perturbed. "Klein, why are you asking this?"

[The Demon-Like Judge of Fire says she's nervous about this conversation.]

[The constellation that likes to switch genders slaps his knee and says that this is too good.]

[The Prisoner of the Golden Headband says to hush.]

The spectators… It's quite annoying that they're always watching. However, there is no way to avoid this. This situation has already gone on for too long.

Klein braced himself, then spoke bluntly.

"I don't remember."

"What?"

"I don't remember. When I did remember, they were like someone's else's memories."

"I don't understand." Kim Dokja's expression was… Then it hardened. "Are you really Klein?"

"Yes. There shouldn't have been anybody impersonating me at that time, and I don't have any missing memories. I'm sorry, Kim Dokja. The first time I met you was when you knocked on my door when the 5th scenario began."

"Then…" Kim Dokja sputtered, looking confused. His head tilted downwards. "I don't understand."

"I'm sorry. The 'cousin' you know likely isn't real," Klein said mercilessly. It was better to cut out the wound before the infection spread.

"It was real. We spent years together."

"I don't understand either. You described me accurately. But I couldn't have possibly been there, and I don't remember it at all."

There was a silence.

Kim Dokja laughed.

It wasn't a pleasant laugh. He drew his palm slowly over his face.

"I'm going crazy…" Then, "Why did you pretend to know me? No, thinking back, you did know too little after we met again. You were always very vague and distant."

This situation is rather complicated… Klein felt regretful.

"I recently had some strange circumstances," Klein explained, "where it was feasible that people I had known in life were re-arranged in odd roles and positions compared to reality. So when you said you were my cousin, I played along. However, no matter how I tried, I couldn't remember anything about you."

"You are really being too mysterious… Compared to reality? Re-arranged circumstances?" Kim Dokja hesitated. "Were you always a constellation?"

"Something like that. I'm not sure."

"How could you not know?"

"It's difficult to explain."

Kim Dokja suddenly looked somewhat small.

"I don't understand. Ah. I remember now. Once, you said you might have difficulty remembering me…"

"I did?"

"Yes." Some hope returned to Kim Dokja's eyes. "Could it be that you had forgotten somehow? Maybe it's related to the Star Stream…"

"I haven't forgotten anything," Klein said, frowning. He thought for a long time. "But it might be possible it's something similar. I have a way to check. But I might not be able to confirm it."

"Try it," Kim Dokja urged more confidently.

"I will. I'll know more when I return. It may be some minutes, or some days. You can ask me then."

Kim Dokja smiled, but this smile looked somewhat unlucky.

"Okay."

"Go talk with your companions," Klein then urged. The sounds of laughter and chatter still emerged around them, but Klein saw some concerned glances coming their way. The two Yoo Sangahs had stopped dancing. "They worry about you."

"Yes, yes."

Klein watched Kim Dokja's back for a while, as he paused and awkwardly approached the original Yoo Sangah, then finally nodded.

Then I should go check.

Klein stepped sideways into the Historic Void.

.

The Historic Void was familiar, but also vaguely different like the spiritual realm had been. Rather than crayon-like chicken scratch however, the Historic Void's gray fog somehow had a more… fluid nature, constantly twirling and splitting. The Void felt somehow more poignant, as if Klein could reach into the fog and touch it, like he could directly connect to history itself.

He observed this, then moved on.

I know some of Kim Dokja's past, based on the dream-like false memories I had, so it should be possible to find something…

Klein followed the connected points of light, peering into different moments in the apocalypse, and step by step, found himself beside murkily lit points even further back in time, when Seoul was a normal city before everything burned.

This one. Kim Dokja's college days. Klein was somewhat amazed that this point of history was lit up at all in the Void, and that he could travel to it. This suggested that Kim Dokja's insistence that Klein's time with him was real had some merit. Maybe some sort of mystical connection with a different Klein in this Dream was enough to establish the real Klein's connection to this piece of history.

Originally, Klein had just wanted to see if 'Klein, Dokja's cousin' really did exist in the Historic Void, or if it was all really fake, but he had already gotten further than he had originally anticipated. If 'Klein' was really present, then there might be additional clues. He leaned in, inspecting the point of murky light further.

He stepped into that part of the Void, then somehow fell into a different part of the Dream, where everything became colorful again.

Klein blinked, and glanced around. He knew he had fallen into the past. Rather than gray fog, a reality surrounded him: Seoul, with cars honking and passing by, pedestrians chatting, a big suspension bridge hanging over the water. This was Seoul before the apocalypse.

That was strange… Not only is the spiritual realm a bit different here, but the Historic Void behaved oddly here. It should be impossible to directly go to the past, but instead, this Dream was strangely… permissive.

Where am I? I was looking at Kim Dokja's past, so Kim Dokja should be nearby.

For some reason, Klein was placed on a low rooftop building, but after looking around, he eventually was able to spot a familiar mop of black hair and thin features far away.

Kim Dokja was on the nearby suspension bridge, set over a large black river. It was nighttime, so his features weren't very clear.

Klein moved to get a better look.

… Something isn't right.

Kim Dokja was looking down from the bridge with unfathomable, dark eyes. The young man stared at the deep water for a long time. Kim Dokja inched forward, and Klein tensed, sensing something ominous. Kim Dokja then paused, pulled out his smartphone, and read something. A great change came over him, and though his expression was still desolate and empty, he slowly stepped back.

Klein quickly took control of a pigeon to watch the screen.

The screen read:

[Yoo Junghyuk thought this: 'I will not give up.']

[And so he went to the next regression.]

Klein inhaled sharply.

Suicidal? He was thinking of jumping, but stopped. Because of Yoo Junghyuk… no, because of that webnovel, TWSA.

'Hypothesize boldly, verify carefully.' I still need to confirm this.

He temporarily forgot about finding the other 'Klein'. After watching this younger Kim Dokja more and seeing this behavior repeat, as Klein invisibly followed behind with marionnettes of rats and birds, Klein began to roughly understand the situation. Kim Dokja never visited friends, or family. Kim Dokja didn't chat with classmates. All he did was read his webnovels on his phone, and when his state was the worst, he would read TWSA, reliable like clockwork.

The Kim Dokja he knew always acted outwardly confident, but this was what was hidden beneath.

Klein had discovered a passively suicidal Kim Dokja, who was coping with life and the loneliness only by reading a webnovel called Three Ways to Survive a Ruined World.

After making some preparations, Klein finally knocked on a rundown apartment door in a bad neighborhood.

"Yes? Who is it?"

A scraggly young man opened the broken door. His eyes were dull; he didn't recognize Klein at all.

Ah. Klein suddenly understood something.

There is no other 'Klein'. I'm in the past right now. This is how we met.

In the logic of the real world, this would make no sense, but somehow in the Dream, it oddly did.

Covering his face for a moment, Klein subtly adjusted some features, such as making his jaw slightly rounder, the lines on his skin less prominent, his features less sharp. Klein had made himself look younger.

Face blank, he then said, "I'm your cousin."

"Yes?" Kim Dokja murmured, head lowered so his bangs almost covered his eyes. He looked so young somehow, and thin. His condition wasn't good, even though he must have been in his late teens in a very early adulthood. He was young. "I have a cousin?"

Klein shook his suitcase subtly to draw the eye to it.

"Yes," Klein explained. "Our grandmother moved to Britain some years ago after divorcing, and met my grandfather. I just moved back to Korea for university. Ehm," he coughed, "as it happens, I'm looking for a place to stay. Since we're family, I was wondering if we could split the rent and room together. Of course, if you're not comfortable with this, then there is no need to accept."

Kim Dokja blinked.

"Which university are you going to?" he asked distantly.

Klein answered nonchalantly.

Kim Dokja's eyes brightened momentarily.

"Ah, that's where I'm going."

I know. Klein would have to enroll himself later.

Kim Dokja then looked lost.

"Can I come in?" Klein said, holding up his suitcase again. "It's been a long trip, and it'd be good to introduce myself. Do you like webnovels?"

The young college student naively let him in after a pause, and then the conversation on Kim Dokja's couch flowed a little bit easier when they talked about isekai and transmigrations, and slowly, Kim Dokja relaxed.

At the end, he finally asked,

"Are you really my cousin?"

Klein nodded, his face not betraying anything.

Kim Dokja must have been a little suspicious, because he then said, "Can you prove it?" Immediately, his head ducked down. "I mean, I'm sorry. It's just very… strange. Unexpected. I suppose no one would have told me." He sounded a little bitter. "I don't know how much you know…"

"Don't worry. It's fine to ask. See? These are my documents." Klein showed him fake documents like a passport, and then a family tree that he had put together that looked very official and stamped. He then explained that his parents had told him about Kim Dokja after Klein planned to transfer to Korea, and somehow had gotten his address, but Klein didn't really know how.

Kim Dokja's shoulders lowered.

"I see." He smiled then. A small, thin, but real smile.

"Ah, I'm sorry they didn't send a message ahead of time," Klein said apologetically. "My parents didn't know how to contact you internationally, I think."

"No, no, it's alright," Kim Dokja said shyly. He scratched the back of his head. "Um, so which webnovels did you like the most?"

"Ah. World After the Fall is pretty good…"

"I know that one!"

Later, when Klein had gotten himself enrolled and had paid for a dorm room in the college, there were some whispers that surrounded Kim Dokja, who clutched his books very tightly and had his shoulders somewhat hunched. When Klein never commented on it, his shoulders then gradually unfurled, and he gained more confidence. They butted elbows and talked in an increasing volume, day by day, when they walked between classes.

Kim Dokja and Klein, though not quite cousins, had quickly become friends of sorts.

This was surprisingly enjoyable for Klein.

Kim Dokja and Klein hadn't gotten the dorm room together after all, but Klein had manipulated the circumstances so despite being in a duo, he had ended up as the lucky oddman out without a roommate.

When Kim Dokja admitted falteringly one day that he was having trouble paying rent, Klein told him he could stay with him in his dorm.

"Are you sure?" Kim Dokja asked, face hidden behind his books. He was embarrassed to ask. Klein smiled, then ruffled his hair, proud that he had gathered the courage to reach out.

"Yes," Klein said. "I'm sure. This is what I originally came to you about, wasn't it? Besides, I was lucky enough to not have a roommate. We can ask the dorm staff to transfer you in."

The dorm staff were very accomodating, and it seemed that Kim Dokja was in a state of bewilderment and astonishment at how easy it was.

"Life can be easy sometimes," Klein told him, "and it can be hard other times. It's good to enjoy the easy days when they come. If you don't worry too much when it's unnecessary, then the days are better."

Kim Dokja looked at Klein reclining on the couch.

"Then, today I'll cook something for both of us," Kim Dokja said with determination, rolling up his thin sleeves. It was cute. "As a welcome dinner, and thank you."

Klein shook his head, and pushed his cousin to the couch.

"I'm the one welcoming you, cousin," he said. "So just sit down and relax."

.

Klein got used to modern life again. It was strange; this was what he craved after having first transmigrated to the Fifth Era. However, now that he had it, he wasn't in turmoil; he was simply comfortable.

It's nice to have the Internet again.

He frequently performed his role as a keyboard warrior, and now having more insight into life after all his experiences, was able to extend his casual research to further depths, understanding such odd and fascinating things about the First Era's history. Real life was sometimes stranger than fiction. He also researched some religions in depth, and noticed a strong connection to how Beyonder characteristics and pathways were structured.

The Hebrew Kabblabah, Tree of Life… There are also twenty two pathways of the divine, and twelve Sefirot. Did they already know, in the modern era?

Some things are different, but it seems my modern earth's knowledge of mysticism was not unfounded at all…

After some weeks passed, Klein did an important divination.

It seems that the nature of this Dream is very strange in regards to time. Even if I spend months here, only minutes will pass in the normal Dream and in reality both. Some form of time compression? Or is this just time travel? Either way, it seems like I don't have to worry about staying here for too long.

Klein then looked over at his sleeping cousin, and then softly made a decision.

Yes, this isn't bad for me either. After all, this was one of the main purposes of Evernight sending me into a dream to begin with. My anchors won't increase in the meantime, but this is fine. This gives me time to further subconsciously digest all the remaining characteristics, and firm up what is important to me, the essential aspects of my humanity…

Klein decided to stay, and protect his cousin while he could.

The years passed quickly, and while there were some tough times, he was happy.

Both Klein and Kim Dokja, for the first time in a long time, had someone who would constantly watch their back. Someone who was with them during the worst times, when everything broke and went awry, and also someone who was with them to create the best times. Many moments were mundane, but important. Many days just passed lazing about together while reading and cooking. They didn't have to do much. But they were both there, together.

There was one time Kim Dokja had a bad day, after visiting his mother in prison. He confessed everything, and ended up crying into Klein's shirt, who softly patted him on his head and told him his mother wouldn't define his life.

Birthdays passed by, with simple but heartfelt celebrations.

New Year's came and went with fireworks and clapping.

There were many festivals, but most of the time, Kim Dokja and Klein both decided to stay inside and take it easy, eating home-cooked meals to celebrate the occasions.

Classes were passed, and sometimes even failed, but each time at the end of the semester they would spend some money to eat out at a nice restaurant.

Klein learned some board games, and would then coax Kim Dokja to play them with some of his casual college friends.

Then, Klein would remark to Kim Dokja about some of these friends' idiosyncrasies fondly, as well as those of their teachers, and Kim Dokja would smile and even sometimes laugh. He once said that it was like Klein was constantly reading a novel just by watching reality.

Klein had found this perspective interesting, and then was startled to be told that not everyone observed their surroundings constantly and commented on them mentally like him.

"You're very observant," Kim Dokja said brightly, eyes curved. This meant he was trying to tease Klein, but his words were too admiring. "Sometimes, I wonder if you already know everything about me, and everything about the people around us too, but just don't say anything."

"Ah," Klein protested. "That's not the case. People are quite complex, and I only see what's on the outside…"

Klein and Kim Dokja traded webnovel recommendations, and Kim Dokja eventually grew confident enough to even share his favorite webnovel with Klein, who always listened with an attentive ear.

This favorite webnovel, of course, was Three Ways to Survive a Ruined World.

Over nearly three years, Klein heard the story of Yoo Junghyuk progress each night, and saw the smile on Kim Dokja's face when he rambled and talked about how that sunfish bastard would never give up. Klein heard how Kim Dokja would sometimes cheer on Yoo Junghyuk, sometimes hate him, sometimes be happy or sad for him, sometimes be annoyed by him, but would always devotedly follow each and every action of his. A few times during these reading and rambling sessions, Klein couldn't help but give into the urge to ruffle the hair of his somehow cute cousin, and Kim Dokja didn't seem to mind, other than sometimes being a bit embarrassed.

You're growing up well, Klein thought to Kim Dokja, proud.

.

Finally, the two graduated from their local college together.

Klein found a new apartment outside of the college. Coincidentally… this was the same familiar apartment room he had spent all the restarts in the Dream. Mrs. Stelyn Sammers lived next door, and the neighbor nearby had a black cat that Klein would occasionally secretly feed. Kim Dokja stayed with him for a few days, but they both knew what would happen next.

Kim Dokja's military draft arrived. When they looked together at Kim Dokja's letter and assignment, they both fell silent.

"It's on the forefront," Kim Dokja said, smiling an unlucky smile then. "Klein, you were lucky. You're not fully a Korean citizen, so you get to skip it…"

Klein reluctantly spoke. "We won't be together, then. It'll be hard to visit on a military base. No, I won't be able to."

"Yes, it seems that way."

He had gotten comfortable living like this, over the years. But he already knew. Kim Dokja of the future had once said, 'The military draft ended it…' They had lived together for years until the military draft. This was the end.

So Klein knew this would be one of the last times he would see this young, sweet, and familiar version of his cousin.

"Klein?"

"It was a good time, wasn't it?" Klein said wistfully, his lips twisting.

Kim Dokja smiled too, staring at the water.

"Yes."

"Cousin, you'll have to be strong. You'll witness many misfortunes, and you may want reality to stop being reality. But by going forward step by step, you will reach… no, you will create the ending you want."

Klein felt emotional.

I can't stay here forever.

"Ah, it sounds like you are saying goodbye." Kim Dokja laughed.

Then went silent.

"I'm going back to Britain for some time," Klein said heavily.

"Really? You won't get a job here?"

"No."

"Ah, I see."

Klein felt the need to explain further. "I'll be back again, sometime. I may have some difficulty remembering you. But I will always be your cousin. Kim Dokja, you are a precious person. Please always stand and fight for yourself."

If it were anybody else, they would undoubtedly question or tease Klein for his words. But because it was Kim Dokja, who was used to being forgotten, he only quietly accepted it.

But surprisingly, he still smiled, that small but real smile.

"I see. Thank you, Klein."

Klein startled.

The light of the sun against the river was very bright.

"Thank you, Klein," Kim Dokja said more softly now, "for having been here with me. I will always remember it."

Klein also stared at the water.

"... I will too. Thank you, Dokja."

Klein still met the young Dokja two more times, and also spent some time with him in the new apartment. But when Dokja had packed his bags, and left for the military draft, it was the last time.

Klein sat for a long time alone by a bench nearby that same river he had first appeared at. This was the place where he had first seen the younger Kim Dokja. Now that river and suspension bridge had many more memories, but he couldn't help but remember that first time. When Kim Dokja had stared at the black water with an empty gaze, and it was only a webnovel that had stopped him from inching forward.

Klein then stared at the bright blue sky, the clouds slowly drifting by.

Most Ancient Dream, is this why you brought me here?

Klein sighed, then shook his head.

He lifted his left hand, then after a long pause, breathing in the now-familiar scents and listening to the comfortable sounds of a lively city…

He snapped his fingers.

And then was surrounded again by a ruined world.