Chapter XII

(Maura)

I sink so deeply into my sorrow that I don't hear the approaching footsteps.

"Maura! My God, what happened?"

Strong hands grasp my shoulders and pull me into the embrace I thought I'd lost forever.

"Baby, please talk to me!"

The realization that I was so wrong in thinking she had left me again sends me on an emotional rollercoaster, causing me to break into another fit of sobs.

Between sobs and failed attempts to breathe, I manage to say:

"I... I... thought... you... had... left... again."

(Jane)

I'm utterly shocked when I return to Maura's bedroom with two cups of coffee, only to find her crying and gasping for air like a broken doll.

Did I hurt her? Did something happen while I was away? Does she regret the last few hours?

The doubts and uncertainty paralyze me for a moment until her heart-wrenching sobs snap me out of it.

I rush to the bed and pull Maura so tightly into my arms that she nearly ends up on my lap.

"Baby, please talk to me!"

I gently stroke her hair and kiss her temple as another wave of sobs overtakes her.

I still have no idea what triggered this emotional outburst and frantically search for answers when I hear the fateful words:

"I thought you had left again."

Stunned, I freeze.

Yes, I suspected my less-than-glorious exits hadn't made her happy. I suspected that our growing bond and intimate moments meant more to her than just a casual affair. I knew she was angry and disappointed with my behavior and hasty retreats; she made that more than clear. I was unfair and deserved her hatred.

But I hadn't realized I had broken her heart so severely, shaken and hurt her so deeply.

Only now, holding her so desperately in my arms, do I realize with the merciless force of an exploding bomb how unimaginably I have tormented her with my selfish and unfair behavior.

How could I not see that she opened up to me each time, giving me everything without demanding anything in return because she believed in me, didn't want to pressure me, and showed me in the most loving and selfless way – not with words, but with actions – that she would give me all the time I needed. That her love was so incredibly strong that she would endure my doubts, fears, and struggles with me.

I thought I had nothing to give her. How wrong I was.

How could I not see that she had only one simple and easily fulfilled demand: to be allowed to love me when I couldn't love myself.

How could I trample on the best thing that has happened to me in the last ten years, maybe even my entire miserable life?

I swallow a few times as all these realizations hit me, my thoughts racing at lightning speed.

Only when Maura tries to pull away from my vise-like embrace am I jolted out of my musings.

If there's even a tiny hope of salvaging anything, I need to do the right thing NOW. Not for my sake, but for Maura's.

(Maura)

I don't know how long we've been sitting like this, me seeking comfort in her strong arms, and she lost in her thoughts.

Does she really have nothing to say? Not a single word of explanation?

How does she think this will go on after I almost had a breakdown because of her and laid my feelings bare, only for her to ignore them again?

I feel a dark cloud of anger brewing within me, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I need to get out of this embrace. I can't take it anymore.

This was the last time I cried because of Jane. This unbearable game is making me sick, and for the sake of my sanity, I need to end this – whatever it is – once and for all.

"Let me go!" My voice is calm, dangerously calm.

"Maura, I-..."

"NO, JANE. Let. Me. Go."

"Mau-..."

No, I don't want to hear it anymore. Her empty promises, her audacious excuses, her meaningless apologies.

"Leave, Jane. Get out of my house."

"Let me-..."

"No, Jane. I won't let you do anything anymore. Leave! Pack your things and go. I never want to see you again!"

I scream as another veil of tears covers my eyes.

I can see her incredulous look, I can see how hurt she is. But I can't care about her feelings anymore while she tramples on mine. I deserve to be respected, and my feelings deserve to be acknowledged.

This relationship has brought me more pain and sorrow than joy. It has destroyed me. I can't stand the uncertainty of what she's planning, her selfish coming and going as she pleases, the taking what she wants and then leaving without a word, any longer. It's almost a self-destructive drive to let myself be treated so poorly for so long.

She cries, and I get even angrier. How dare she cry when she's the one who had the freedom to do whatever she wanted at any time? When she's the one who used and abused me.

"GET OUT!"

My voice cracks, and I throw one of the many pillows at her.

With a few steps, she suddenly stands right in front of me and reaches for my hand.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I shake her hand away forcefully and clench my fists. She takes a few steps closer, and I instinctively step back. I can't bear her proximity anymore and just want her to leave.

"GO, JANE. JUST GO!"

I'm almost hysterical, crying and screaming simultaneously.

"No."

She takes two more steps toward me, and I move back almost simultaneously.

"GO! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

She steps closer again, and just as I try to create more distance, I feel the cold glass of the balcony door against my bare back, trapping me between the glass and Jane.

At that moment, as I realize I'm now trapped between the glass and Jane, she closes the remaining distance, pressing me lightly against the glass.

"DAMN IT, JANE! JUST GO!"

I start pushing her away like a wild animal, but I fail miserably. Without much effort, she grabs my wrists, pressing my hands against the glass on either side of my head, interlocking our fingers.

"No, Maura."

"LET ME GO AND LEAVE!"

The louder and more hysterical I get, the quieter and calmer she becomes. I'm losing my mind because I'm getting further away from my goal of finally getting rid of her.

I'm so busy trying to break free from her firm grip to throw her out of my life for good that I almost miss her softly whispered words.

"I love you."

"LET M-..." I'm about to launch into another tirade when her words suddenly sink in.

"You... what?"

I stare at her in disbelief, pausing to make sure I heard what I thought I heard.

"I love you, Maura."

She looks at me with that charming, uncertain smile, and before I can think of a response:

"There are no words that could even begin to describe how incredibly sorry I am for hurting you so deeply, Maura."

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I won't run away from that anymore!"

I'm so stunned that I only fully understand the meaning of her words when I feel the soft, tentative touch of her full lips on mine, silently asking for permission to kiss me.

The kiss grows more passionate, and Jane loosens her grip, allowing me to finally touch her as I lose myself in the feeling of her fingers on my body. Only now do I realize I'm still completely naked. I smile, earning a raised eyebrow and a questioning "Hmm?" from Jane.

I shake my head and wrap my legs around her hips, almost clinging to her. Her hands rest on my butt, and I lean against the glass. Fortunately, I have no neighbors who could witness the scene.

(Jane)

I relish the feeling of Maura's toned, slender legs wrapped around my hips. I can feel the strength with which she clings to me, her hands constantly moving.

My hands are on her butt to support her weight, which limits my movement somewhat. How I wish I could touch her like a few minutes ago, feeling her soft skin under my fingers.

But I let her set the pace, decide how far she wants to go. I don't want her to do anything she might regret.

So we stay in the same position for minutes, kissing and exploring each other's bodies.

After a while, she breaks the now lazy kiss and whispers against my lips:

"Take me to bed."

"Are you... sure? We co-..."

"I need you. Please."

Who could resist such a plea?

So I carry her to the bed and surrender to the sweet pleasure that will consume us for the next few hours.

(Maura)

I lie awake, staring at Jane. She's lying on her stomach, one arm dangling loosely over the edge of the bed, the other serving as a pillow. She's still wearing the shorts I couldn't get off her despite my efforts. I study her more closely, analyzing the visible bruises. The marks of his strong grip are evident on her upper arms, and her left shoulder blade is almost black. Did he throw her against a wall or a dresser?

My gaze moves down, lingering again on the shorts. Why does she have such trouble opening up completely? The thought of her having sex with him makes me feel sick, but imagining him forcing her makes my stomach churn.

I shake my head and wonder what the future holds. For us. For her. With Casey. What exactly does her "I love you" and the clear statement about not running away anymore mean?

The lines between right and wrong have blurred. Just a few months ago, I would have vehemently denied ever getting involved in anything – even a one-night stand – with a married person. And now here I am, lying next to this very married woman, in my bed.

But what comes next? She, both of us, will have to make decisions. We'll have to talk, and I'm aware that the path to a normal relationship with Jane will be long and challenging. I have no doubt that her marriage has deeply traumatized her.

Will she have the strength to break free from him? Will he let her go, or will he become an unpredictable variable in this equation? How dependent is she on him? How much will she discuss with me, and how much will she reveal about herself? Will our relationship grow stronger through the likely tough and nerve-wracking future, or will we lose each other and end up facing a big mess?

"A penny for your thoughts."

Her voice brings me back to the here and now, and I decide immediately that this isn't the right time to ask all these questions.

"You are incredibly beautiful, Jane."

For which I receive a surprisingly shy but sparkling smile.