Is it bad if I'm more interested in who's going to the prom with me, than the actual prom itself? Is it selfish if all I can think about is the prospect of being close to her again, having those perfect teeth beaming in a perfect smile as she presses herself against me?
The thought makes Elsa struggle with applying that light shade of lipstick. Trembly hands. An excitement burns behind those blue eyes when she examines her soft, pink eyeshadow. It shows in her fingers when she puts on a pair of pearl drop earrings. Complementing that Celeste-blue gown she spent all of five minutes choosing at the store. Falling to her ankles in powdery pleats. There's nothing else she needs to complete herself. Only a pair of blue eyes and freckled cheeks. Elsa grabs her purse. One last touch of vanilla scent. Silver heels barely make it out the door before her Macbook chimes with an email. That little bell-sound freezing her in place.
Oh god, not now.
It could be anything. A fic update? A comment? Those new airpods are on sale? Yet why does that single sound flood her nerves with static? Don't check, don't bother looking. Don't ruin the best evening of your high school life.
She checks.
Ice thumps through her veins at the sender. North Carolina State University.
RE: SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION - ELSA WILLIAMS
Thank you for your interest in applying to the North Carolina State University. Despite your remarkable achievements in Academics and Athletics, the University regrets to-
She chokes on that chain tightening around her neck. Before it unravels with a snap. She slumps on her bed, Alolan Vulpix plushie screaming silently as she hugs the shit out of it. Somehow, knowing the dreaded news feels better than waiting with bated breath each day. A grey cloud over her mind lifts. Right before it's replaced with another one. Still a cloud, just a different shade of grey. One waiting for her downstairs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Accustomed to track shoes and sneakers, Elsa wobbles as she makes it down the stairs. Or perhaps it's those stares waiting at the bottom. Robbing the strength from her legs. Until their grimaces turn into grins. Iduna covers her mouth as she lets out an uncharacteristic squeal.
"Oh, darling!" Iduna's voice is higher pitched than usual, "Y-you're gorgeous!"
"You look way better than your mom on her prom," Agnarr snickers.
"Oh shut it, you," Iduna taps his head, "the apple never falls far from the tree."
Her shoulders relax. She even allows herself to smile when Agnarr sets up a camera to take a picture of them together. As a family. The timer counts down from three. She catches herself smiling.
Smiling.
Without any effort. A genuine, beaming smile that echoes the glow in her chest. Warm gushing words of adoration from her parents as they hug her in the same living room filled with angsty tirades just months ago. What changed? Once again, the world feels all so fake to her. Like she never deserved a single piece of jewelry on her ears or an inch of delicate fabric on her body. Or this warm, loving house and all its wealth behind her. Or this picture of the three of them, undoubtedly going next to the Disneyland one.
So, she does the most damaging thing she feels she does deserve.
And kills this happy moment.
"NC state just sent in their rejection."
Silence drops on them like an anvil. It picks up their smiles and hurls them off a steep cliff.
"Oh god."
"Did they say anything else?" Agnarr asks.
Maybe you should've checked. Elsa looks down at her phone.
-strongly encouraged to resubmit your application via the faculty correspondence. You are also strongly encouraged to attend NC State University Athletics trials upon successful-
"They still want me to go," Elsa sighs, "And join the Wolfpack. Just without a scholarship."
The stormy cloud spreads from Elsa's head to her father's. She sees the downpour. The slight furrowing of his eyebrows as he thinks. But he shrugs it off.
"Fair enough."
Enough.
The word rattles around her head. Iduna looks at him in mock surprise.
"Enough? But what-"
"I told you, it's not about the money," Agnarr cuts her off, before turning to his wife, "and I think we'll have plenty of time to talk things through after tonight, don't we?"
"We just want you to have a good night, sweetie."
She looks into her eyes, searching for that trace of deceit or manipulation she'd so easily become accustomed to. But finds only acceptance. A brimming trust in herself that intensifies when Iduna presents her with a bouquet of pink Hyacinths and blue tulips.
Iduna clears her throat. Hesitation stops her voice momentarily.
"Um, we kinda assumed you'd be bringing Anna to the prom," Iduna clasps her hands together, "Please do send her our regards."
Even after all this while, is it really that hard to accept this? An ache bubbles within her soul when she contemplates that her parents would never see her the same way, ever again. But she pushes it down. Forcing herself to be grateful that this bouquet of flowers is the closest she can ever hope for any semblance of acceptance.
"Thank you," Elsa mouths, allowing herself to be enveloped by two sets of wide-armed hugs, "thank you for looking after me, all these years. It, it must've been hard for-"
"It was," Agnarr cuts her off again.
As she walks to her car, Elsa ponders whether he's joking. Thinking about whether that tilt in his voice held any humour. But she tells herself to live in the moment - and forgets that nagging doubt the moment she gets a text from Anna that she's ready.
Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand, I remember you
Through the sleepless nights through every endless day
I'd want to hear you say, I remember you
Anna recalls the day she laid eyes on those black, thrift-store heels. Remembers chafing her hands as she polished them to a mirror finish in anticipation of wearing them to Elsa's prom. Now, she taps them on her threadbare carpets, in time to the Skid Row song. Waiting for Elsa to pick her up. The door opens. She leaps to her feet, but it's Gerda in her Dollar General uniform. Hefting a paper bag of thrown-out, near-expiry groceries. She drops the bag at the sight of her daughter in that dark dress.
"Mom," Anna plucks the music from her ears, "How do I look?"
"Beautiful," the voice leaves in the softest of whispers, before tilting her head, "you're wearing a dress, not a gown?"
"This was the best I could get from Salvos," Anna groans, twirling around, "you know I can't afford a friggin' gown."
"You're hardly wearing any makeup," Gerda points out.
"And yet you called me beautiful," Anna pouts at her mother.
"I-I just - I know you're going to the West Ashley prom with Elsa," Gerda continues, taking in every inch of her daughter's outfit, "I don't want anyone to look down on my girl."
Anna's jaw clenches, "No one's going to look down on me. I'm fine just the way I am and nothing's going to change it-"
"Oh come here, you," Gerda chides, before hugging a squeal out of Anna's lungs, "I'm so proud of everything you've done."
A little pang of sorrow ripples through Anna as she steeps in that tired old scent her mother carries all the time. That scent of sacrifice. A scent she won't get to taste for much longer.
"W-will you be fine?" Anna asks, the question arching Gerda's eyebrows.
"More than fine," Gerda smiles, "Ryder's got his notice to ship out to the Marines yesterday. Which means I'll be shifting out of this godforsaken house soon. I found a place downtown that's half the rent."
A sense of vacancy falls upon Anna's soul - before she tells herself that her mother deserves this.
"You're welcome to join me, it's big enough for the two of us," Gerda tucks a fringe back into Anna's crown braid, "but I hope you have more in life planned after this."
Anna's voice trembles. For all the struggling to stay afloat this year, she doesn't have an answer for her.
"I-I don't."
"You're independent, capable, strong, maybe too strong," Gerda squeezes her shoulder, "I'm glad I'll never have to worry about you."
"Not unless I get into another fight again."
"Don't make me change my mind."
Headlights sweep through their living room. They hear the faint tap of a car horn. Elsa's standing by her car when they emerge from the house, hands clasped around the biggest bouquet of flowers she's ever seen. The sight steals both their breaths.
"Oh sweetie," Gerda gawks, sucking in a huge breath, "you never told me you were dating someone who looks like an angel!"
The sunset glows upon Elsa's blonde braid, neatly coiled against her shoulder. The blue gown falls across her slim figure, draping the curves of her graceful poise. And there's a look in Elsa's eyes she can only put down as longing. Like she's struggled the entire year just to reach this moment.
"Promise me you'll keep your hands off each other," Gerda whispers, shaking Anna out of her stupor, "at least in front of other people."
"Oh my god, stop it!" Anna chides, but her eyes are still fixed on Elsa's radiance as her mother wishes her a terse "have fun and good night!"
Elsa's aura intensifies with each step she takes towards her. Keep your hands off each other. Oh yea that…might be a little difficult.
She detects that glazed-over stare yet again. And takes it as a cue to do another twirl.
"You're beautiful," Elsa declares, lips hesitating on something more.
Anna accepts the bouquet with outstretched arms. Gingerly, she leans forward, kissing the delicate soft pads of Elsa's fingertips.
"My mother thinks you look like an angel," Anna allows her gaze to drift back into Elsa's eyes, "but I knew you always were one. Deep down inside."
"Save it!" Elsa bemoans, opening the door for Anna. She bites on her lip as Elsa makes her way to the driver's seat, silent satisfaction at that gentle blush slowly spreading across her light makeup.
They blast Livin' on a Prayer on repeat, all the way to West Ashley High. Elsa's voice breaks before she hits the high notes, only for Anna to fill in the gaps for her. Still, despite the glee of car karaoke, the heavy fragrance of Hyacinths and that buzzing feeling of seeing each other dressed to the nines. A trepidation still falls on them when they reach the parking lot, carried by the faint thump of pop music in the distance.
"We're a little late," Elsa checks the time.
"Fashionably."
"Are you ready?"
"You seem nervous."
Elsa looks over at Anna, at that little tremble in her lips.
"I am," Elsa slips her hand in hers, "Anna, I have to tell you this. W-we might be the only two girls."
Anna swallows back her own fears. Her memory floats to Elsa's story.
"Remember that last chapter you wrote?" Anna smirks, "I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore."
Elsa chuckles, "Perhaps I was psyching myself up for this."
"Well, psych yourself up more," Anna comments, "your hands are shaking."
Elsa looks down at her lap, and smiles, "Maybe it's just you."
"Or you."
"Alright we're really going to be late if we keep procrastinating."
Her heartbeat thuds heavier as Elsa leads her out the car and towards the auditorium. The reverberating Demi Lovato music echoes the thumping in her chest. And when they collect their wristbands and stand before the immense double-oak doors. Her chest teeters on the verge of exploding.
Elsa squeezes her hand, and asks, "Ready?"
Without waiting, Anna shoves the door open. She recoils from the blinding lights and pounding music. A steep sensory overload grates her ears and eyes. But in that moment, a tug on her hand sends her surging forward into the party. When she opens her eyes again, she hears clapping. And whistling. Scattered student couples applauding their entry. Anna gawks at the realisation they are the only girl-couple around.
And yet.
The prom MC hollers into the mic over Katy Perry's Firework.
"West Ashley High! Give a warm welcome to our very own Track Star, Elsa Williams and her date, Anna Miller!"
A round of roaring applause nearly blows Anna's head off.
"You submitted my name?" Anna struggles to make herself heard.
"Of course," Elsa smiles back at her, "You're the kind of girl I'd want the whole world to know about."
A flutter goes through Anna's chest as she takes in the the energy flowing around her, through her. The many pairs of eyes thrown their way. No scowls, only approving smiles as she's welcomed into an environment like any other couple. With someone she adores with every muscle of her beating heart. The thought that she finally found a place where she could relax and be herself with Elsa - without hiding behind a pretence. Makes her a little lightheaded. She staggers in her heels.
Elsa catches her arm, "Don't swoon so soon! We're not even getting started yet."
"Started with what?"
That giddy tilt in Anna's spirits soars as Elsa leads her on a whirlwind around the school auditorium. Introducing her to Principal Anderson. To Rapunzel's non-stop squealing. To an unrelenting stream of pictures and yearbook autographs. They indulge in shrimp cocktails and Maui's stories about Elsa's track days. All while enduring the all-too-loud Ariana Grande and Beyonce music, and the lights which blind her everywhere she turns. Throughout it all, she can't help but feel just a little underdressed between all the glammed-up West Ash students. With just a touch too little make up. Or just a little too awkward and out-of-place. And as Elsa hits the stage to accept an award for outstanding Athletics performance, Anna feels more than undeserving of her. Of this world of wealth and glamour from a school she never made it into. Of a life she peered into every day but was never destined to be a part of. Elsa senses her unease the moment she comes back. Stuffing the medal into her purse like a dirty napkin.
"You're the most beautiful girl in the room," Elsa reminds.
"I know," Anna lies.
"Don't forget that."
Elsa leads her to the dance floor. Those couple of steps ahead giving her a view of her hips. Curves sloping with the fabric's pleats. Her mind goes blank as Elsa whirls around and pulls her close.
I'm going to have a hard time remembering anything if you keep looking at me the way you do.
The music slows. The lights dim. Nothing stands between them now, only the awkward gait of her heels giving way to a gentle sway. And the lyrics floating through her ears.
So lock the door And throw out the key
Can't fight this no more It's just you and me
Anna looks away at the other dancing couples. Still unsure of her place. Of how she looks and what she's doing. Elsa's voice pulls her back.
"I'm right here."
A shudder courses through Elsa's spine when Anna looks up at her, and bites her lip.
"I'm sorry," Anna whispers, "sometimes I just don't know whether-"
Her voice trails into the music. Try as she might, she can't shake the ambivalence afflicting her. Leaving her posture with a stiffness Elsa picks up easily. But she allows those lyrics to serenade them. To melt the space between them into imperceptible closeness.
"-whether I'm good enough to be here. Whether I'm good enough for you-"
She feels Elsa suck in a breath. Eyes betraying that slight tinge of hurt.
"-sorry-"
"Anna, I brought you here because I wanted the world to know," Elsa grazes her forehead against Anna's, "that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me-"
The words relax Anna's shoulders. She leans closer, arms draped around Elsa's neck. Chest so flushed against hers she can feel the throbbing heartbeat behind each breath.
"-and you don't have to worry about being good enough for me, any more than the birds have to worry about being able to sing. Any more than the stars have to worry about lighting the night sky."
"Oh, you're such a goddamned writer, you know that?" Anna watches her smile curl through half-lidded eyes.
"Is that not what you signed up for? Is that not enough for you?" Elsa coos a breath against Anna's lips.
"No, you're more than enough for me."
Their eyes flutter shut. Gentle breaths ghosting in that infinitesimally small space between their lips. Even without looking, she imagines that smile waiting for her in the vanilla-scented darkness. In this world where nothing exists besides two souls locked in a dance. Hearts laid bare in a single, glowing moment that could only lead to the inevitable. She hears the MC's voice floating over the lyrics.
"...if you have something to say to someone. Words you've kept inside the entire year. Now is the time, because you'll never have a chance to say it again after tonight."
Anna nearly misses the words. The meaning's lost on her as she sways to Elsa's hips. Entranced by the delicate grasp on her lower back, and that gentle voice floating against her lips.
"Do you?"
She inhales deeply, soaking in Elsa's glowing presence.
"I-I kinda do," Anna coos back, "but I-I don't know if-"
"You don't have to say it here if you don't want to-"
Anna sighs in relief, "Oh thank god, you read my mind-"
"We should probably get out of here, yea?"
"Yes, yes please-"
An arm tugs at Anna's. Leading her out the way they came. The world still dark and void except for the scent and breath and space they share in the confines of Elsa's car.
Elsa can't get to the hills fast enough. Ploughing her foot in the gas after each winding bend. Anna's uncharacteristic silence fills her stomach with ice; pensive eyes fixed at the stars fluttering past the window.
"You know this place?" Anna asks, eyes widening at that small hilltop park, "This is like the worst-kept secret in Charleston."
She looks around the darkness. Trees and boulders illuminated by the sprawling suburban glow beneath them.
"Looks like this secret's all ours tonight."
They emerge to the awe of the star-swept night sky, leaning on the bonnet. An arm snakes around Elsa's elbow and pulls her close.
Anna leans on Elsa's shoulder, "I'm sorry if I made you leave earlier than you expected-"
"No," Elsa smoothens her hair, "I actually kinda hate parties."
"And yet we met at one."
She feels something lifting in her heart. Nostalgia perhaps. Anna raises a finger in the dark, pointing out that patch of land by the woods.
"Do you remember?" Anna asks.
"Like yesterday."
Elsa curls her fingers around Anna's wrist. Relishing in the thumping she feels behind her veins. She shifts her hand to her own neighbourhood.
"And there is where I first laid eyes on you," Elsa whispers into her hair, before drawing a big arc in the still, night air, "we were on our rooftops. We had no idea each other existed."
"And now we do."
Anna sighs. Elsa looks at her. Sitting hand-in-hand on the bonnet.
"You had something to say earlier," Elsa says, trying to unravel the knot threatening to choke the air between them, "y-you can say it. Now. Only if you want to."
Anna swallows. You'll never have a chance to say it again after tonight.
"I don't want what we have to end," Anna curls her fingers into Elsa's, "but my mother and I - we've decided to move downtown after Ryder ships out."
That knot shifts to Elsa's throat, and she struggles to croak out her next words, "D-do you have plans after school?"
"I fought so hard to get out of high school that I never really thought of what to do next," Anna shakes her head, and wipes at her eyes, "And now that I've known you - nothing seems worth it anymore. Not without you in my life."
A momentary flutter of panic hits Elsa's chest as she detects a snivel. She pulls her head close, "Don't say that-"
"I assume you have everything worked out already."
Her mind races to five red lines scrawled across the notebook. And still, she can't shake off the feeling that she's disappointed her parents. But there's another throbbing heartache manifesting beside her now. Once again - that giant ball of uncertainty within her brain rages around like a caged animal. Begging to be set free. Elsa hesitates on the lock of its cage. Fearful of releasing this beast. But at the same time knowing she's the only person who can set things right.
"Anna," Elsa forces herself to keep the trembling from her voice, "W-would you freak out if I said something crazy? I-I mean I haven't worked everything out and you don't have to agree or anything-"
Anna shifts closer.
"I like crazy."
Elsa sighs, "Would you like to move to North Carolina with me?"
The girl snaps her head to Elsa. Longing rife in those glistening eyes. An answer perches on the tip of those cherry-pink lips. But she misses it entirely when Anna steals the bated breath from her lungs with the softest of kisses. In an instant, every moment of suppressed longing surges to the front of her head. The months spent fantasising about this moment. Restless dreams; desperate for her touch, her taste. It spills over in an rush of desire tasting like cocktail sauce and fruit punch. She kisses Anna back with the urgency of a winter storm. And amidst the thirsty gasps between them, Elsa hears the gentlest whisper.
"Elsa Williams, I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, just to hear you breathe."
There's a trembling curl of a smile pressing back against her own. She doesn't even register that Anna's slid from the bonnet, hungry hands dragging her off the smooth metal. Not even hearing the words slipping from her own hungry lips.
"Who's the writer now?"
Another fervent kiss cuts Anna's giggle short. She winces at her shoulders being pushed back, the aggression basking her with its otherworldly flame. And as those hands roam down her gown's softness, she feels like deity and devotee all at once. Worshipped by the adoration of Anna's lips on hers. Yet praying this blessed girl never stops. Never leaves her side. Anna's quickening heartbeat races against her own. An eager tongue dips between her lips. A hunger burns in the way Anna leans into her, pulls her closer, reduces the space between them to atoms. And Elsa soaks every trace of it all. Despite how new this sensation is to them both.
She slips a tongue between Anna's perfect teeth. Her face goes numb. A moan stirs in the pit of her belly that she can't push down. Not with the fog eclipsing all the faculties that earned her straight As. And it surges from her lips in one long vibration against Anna's chin. The suddenness of the moan evokes a terse gasp from Anna. Pulling away with a huge grin on her face.
"Were you getting carried away?"
"Yes," Elsa replies sheepishly, "I-I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Anna closes a hand around the cinch of her gown, pulling her close and stepping forward at the same time, "because I wouldn't want anyone else to carry me away."
They pause for a second. Elsa takes in the stars in Anna's glistening eyes. A trembling hand falls from the dip of Anna's jaw to the freckled valley of her neckline. Chest heaving to the rhythm of her throbbing heart. It grazes past her cleavage on the way to those hips, parting Anna's lips at the fleeting sensation of her touch. That narrow gap enough to coax Elsa into sealing it shut with a kiss. This time, Anna allows the blonde to lead her. To tell her a story beyond the fiction. The tale really meant for each other. Where each sentence became a breath between each kiss. Each chapter became a heartbeat beneath her fingertips, racing across the back of her gown. And the ending became…
The thought of how their story is going to end breaks Anna's lips away. Feelings laid bare in gaspy breaths against Elsa's ears.
"You really want a life with me?"
"Yes," Elsa snarls back, "more than anything-"
"I'm hot-tempered. I act before I speak. I speak before I think. My whole life has been a struggle just to survive in the present and I've never planned anything for the future. Do you really think I could exist in your world?"
Elsa's eyes widen. Before she pulls Anna close enough to see the sincerity in her eyes.
"I know. I knew this from the entire, beautiful year we've shared," Elsa kisses the uncertainty from her lips, "and all it's made me do is fall deeper and more madly in love with you."
"Oh god, Elsa," Arms sling around Elsa's neck as she kisses her back with a throaty gasp, "I'm in love with your smile - the way your eyes lift whenever we're together. Those words you put on a page. The way you have everything locked down in your life-"
"-I'm not perfect-"
"None of this is going to stop me from loving you the way I do," Anna lurches forward for one more kiss, "and my one biggest regret is that I never told you sooner."
A smile breaks out on Elsa's face. She retrieves her phone, and leaves it on her bonnet - playing one of Anna's favourite songs. Their fingers find one another as the ballad serenades them both, and Anna leans her head into Elsa's chest. Slow-dancing to the respite of finding someone she could call her own.
"It's ok," Elsa breathes into Anna's hair, "I have the rest of my life to tell you back."
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love